Autumn G Noble (00:01.853)
You are listening to the Lawyer Life Podcast, episode number 29, the most important relationship tips. Welcome back everyone to the Lawyer Life Podcast. I am your host, Autumn Noble, founder of the Lawyer Life Collective, life and career coaching for attorneys.
We are wrapping up our season of summer hot takes where I am giving you the best highlights and tips from the prior podcast season and offering them to you in bite sized pieces that are perfect for the poolside. In today's episode, we are unpacking the top relationship tips that we explored in the prior season. And I have whittled it down to two essential relationship tips.
that every person needs to hear. Before we dig into this episode's topic, a few highlights of the upcoming events the Lawyer Life Collective has to offer. Next week on July 31st, we are offering a free webinar exploring why we get overwhelmed and how to fix it for good. Additional details and where you can sign up to grab your seat are linked in the show notes.
Second, if you are enjoying the content of the Lawyer Life podcast and you have not purchased your copy of the Lawyer Life Survival Guide, you are missing out. The Lawyer Life Survival Guide is now available on Amazon .com and in it you will find all of the top tools and tips that I offer my coaching clients in one easily digestible format. If coaching is not right for you, this is the simplest way to access the same information and get all of the tools that you need to create
ideal legal career. All right, let's go ahead and dig into today's topic. And that is the top relationship tips that everybody should know. And I've boiled it down to two. First, question whether you are truly ready to show up for the hard stuff. When it comes to relationships, the most important thing you can do is to consciously decide ahead of time that you are committed to doing the hard work.
Autumn G Noble (02:12.374)
It's not only about having difficult conversations which are inevitable in any relationship, but it's also about asking yourself, is the reason that I want to end this relationship quickly or that I wanna get away from this person or even perhaps change jobs, is the reason you want that so badly because you're avoiding a difficult conversation and leaving is easier than doing it. When we commit to show up and do the hard work in our relationship,
That requires us to also show up and have those difficult conversations and be honest with ourselves about when we are acting to get away from someone or something because we don't want to be honest about what's actually happening in the relationship. We explore this issue in episode number 14, The Secrets That No One Is Telling You, where we explore the primary reasons that women struggle in the legal industry and not surprisingly, difficult humans and difficult conversations
made the top five. Here's what we learned in episode number 14 about showing up for the hard
Autumn G Noble (03:22.614)
Number five, difficult conversations are often something that drive people to coaching. How to prepare for and initiate difficult conversations is often one of the more actionable types of topics that we tackle in coaching. Sometimes it's not even the clear goal of coaching, but it becomes evident as we unpack other intentions, and I'll explain. So for instance, it's very common
for an attorney to begin coaching because they're just fed up. They're fed up with their firm and their bosses, or they're frustrated with their bosses' complete disregard for their attempts at boundaries, or they feel like they've been thrown under the bus unfairly. And they feel like sometimes the way that they're being treated is just not acceptable. Given all of those reasons, they've simply decided to move on to a new
So they come to coaching wanting to make a plan for that next thing. While many of those reasons for leaving a firm are perfectly viable justifications, what we often uncover in coaching is that our struggles with those issues is more closely rooted to our own unwillingness to stand up for ourselves, use our voices and ask for what we want than it has to do with the firm or the job itself.
When we leave a firm without having those difficult conversations and seeing if there's a way for us to make it better for ourselves, we set ourselves up for this Goldilocks effect where we're simply moving from one firm and one boss to another, looking for one where the people are kinder and your boundaries are honored and people speak to you with proper dignity and respect.
And while some of us might get lucky and find those firms, what many of us find is that regardless of where we go, our need to develop those skills and those tools for having difficult conversations, it will always remain and just follow us wherever we go. So whether it is a difficult conversation with your boss around how he treats you or talks to you or values your
Autumn G Noble (05:43.602)
Or it's about asking for a promotion to partnership early, asking for more work that you actually want, asking to change practice areas or negotiating a higher salary. Maybe it's changing a supervisor and putting that request through. In all of those instances, we spend a tremendous amount of time in coaching, strategizing and planning our way through those conversations. If there are aspects of your
personally or professionally that are frustrating you, and you find yourself avoiding them or wanting to get away from them, like end the relationship or change jobs, and you're wanting to do it quickly, consider whether part of that urge is also a desire to avoid having a difficult and authentic conversation. How would your life be different if you were able to show up for yourself, speak your truth, and ask for what you truly wanted?
and be honest and open in that relationship as opposed to ending it or just moving away from it. I truly believe that this is one of the most important skills that we work on in coaching because it shows up in all aspects of our lives and often the avoidance of these conversations is what's driving a lot of big life changes. When we're able to show up for ourselves, use our voices and speak our truth,
it often becomes much less necessary to run away from relationships or circumstances or utilize that Goldilocks approach. Instead, we work on and we practice showing up for ourselves and further developing the relationships with those around us by being honest and authentic about what we want and what we need. Sometimes those conversations are very successful and sometimes they're
but who you become at the end of having them, that's really all that matters. And that's why we focus on it so much in coaching. Because when you're able and willing to start using your voice and having those conversations, you might still change jobs. You might still leave that relationship, but who you are when you leave it and what you're willing to put up with in the next one is very different.
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and you at least leave knowing that you tried and that you spoke your truth and were honest about what was going on. And that is truly what matters and the only way that we could potentially change all of those things that we see in our careers as toxic.
Autumn G Noble (08:23.384)
That was just a tidbit of the top reasons that women struggle in law that we explored in that episode. For more details on the real challenges most of us are working through, be sure to check out that full episode linked in the show notes. Next up, the second most important relationship tip that I have seen proven true again and again is this. Other people's actions often have very little to do with you. For the most part, we have absolutely no idea.
why the people do the things that they do or why other people say the things that they say. Yet we have this very human inclination to make other people's actions and other people's words mean something significant about us or assume that they are intended to communicate something to us. Our own skewed interpretations of others and their actions serve as the basis of a majority of our relationship problems.
See what we had to say about this particular issue in episode number 19, dealing with difficult people.
Autumn G Noble (09:32.972)
So years later, I was in a leadership training program and the group that was participating in the program was asked to go through personality evaluations so that we could begin to better understand the group and how we interacted with each other. At the end of the examination, there were four categories of personalities that we each got put into, controlling, supporting, promoting, or analyzing.
After doing the little worksheets and kind of the tests, I found myself classified somewhere between analyzing and supporting. I've always been a good planner, thorough and organized, but I'm also really relationship oriented, obviously, understanding and very empathetic. All of those are characteristics of analyzing and supporting personalities. So then.
After we've all been categorized, sorted, branded, shamed for the unique characteristics of our categories, we started going through exercises to examine how our personality types interacted with those and other categories. So at one point, the group was asked to guess where they thought each other should be classified.
And this was a bit of an odd task given the group because most of us didn't really know each other. And for the most part, the only thing we knew about everyone else was what they did for a living. So not surprisingly, the fact that everyone knew I was an attorney resulted in me being classified as controlling and in that category. And it didn't really surprise me because I would imagine that most lawyers probably demonstrate various aspects of this controlling.
personality, which includes taking charge, being decisive, and being very bottom line focused. It made sense to me, despite the fact that like all professions, attorneys come from all walks of life and personality types, and I could certainly flex those controlling muscles and skills when I needed to. It's really not where I live the majority of the time, but these people didn't know me at that level. As part of this process, I started
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thinking about the people in my life, the good and the bad. And I started imagining the people in my life who had really challenged me professionally, including that board member that was really upset about my associate and her hours. And I found some really interesting patterns. Oddly enough, or maybe it's not that odd, everyone in my life with whom I had significant professional struggles, they fell into that category of controlling.
As I further read through the description of a controlling personality, there were a few things that really jumped out at me. Controlling personalities tend to be impatient, too dominant, insensitive, demanding, and unwilling to let it go. In contrast, one of the drawbacks of being a supporting personality, hello, that's me, is that they struggle dealing with critical or aggressive people.
And I read this and I was like, this makes perfect sense. Like I can totally understand why this board member and in fact most of the board members at that firm, we really butted heads because a lot of them weren't controlling personality types and there's no judgment for that. But that personality type is out of the gate at odds with my personality type. It's no wonder that we struggled so much in the past. We were like oil.
and water and our drawbacks triggered the others. Our communication styles were dramatically different and our weaknesses just really inflamed the other. After having this epiphany moment, I spent the evening really working through this awareness and examining how this knowledge could have changed things for me in the past.
Knowing that these individuals were simply acting in accordance with their dominant personality characteristics, it could have helped me disconnect from their aggression and their demands and their insensitivities. These people, they weren't singling me out for this treatment and it had no bearing whatsoever on me or my value. The problem was that I had allowed myself to believe that their aggression
Autumn G Noble (14:05.632)
and their controlling kind of personality types were about me. I made it all mean that I was something lesser, that I was an idiot, that they didn't like me, they didn't respect me, they didn't think I was good enough. And I was miserable because I interpreted this behavior as something negative about myself. And at the time, I really couldn't help believe that it was all about me. I didn't see them doing that to anybody else at the firm. And in reality, no one else was running their group the way that I was.
when I was miserable because I interpreted this behavior as a condemnation of me as a person and me as a leader. And what I learned from this is that it really does all come down to our thoughts and how we interpret the situations and the people in our lives. If you're seeing a theme here between this episode and the prior episodes, it's because there is. Most of the time, our struggles in life with people or the things that happen to
Those struggles are caused by how we receive and interpret those people in those experiences. Our happiness or unhappiness in those scenarios, it's largely driven by the stories that we tell ourselves about those circumstances. And oftentimes, we make our stories about other people and their actions all center around us. Everything they do, everything they say is about us.
What if we just believe that people are acting in accordance with their personality type and it might not actually have anything to do with us? That is ultimately what I was able to take from the training session, that we all have different personality tendencies that drive our behaviors. It's just one more reason to affirm to yourself every day that the actions and words of others might not have anything to do with you and might instead have everything to do with the other person.
And the only thing that truly matters is what am I making their actions and their the situation? What am I making it mean and why? For those of you that haven't listened to that full episode, be sure to dig into it to get some insight into some of my own personal horrific experiences with difficult humans in my own private practice. Suffice it to say that I am absolutely guilty of making others actions and words mean something negative.
Autumn G Noble (16:31.19)
about myself. I continually remind myself that I am not likely at the top of anyone's priority list and I'm certainly not the center of anyone else's orbit as much as I like to think and worry that I am. Other people's actions and words have very little to do with us most of the time and yet so much to say about the other person. With that in mind, it's easier to disengage, step out of the boxing ring and just let other people be whomever they want to be.
As I said, more on this topic and some of my own personal horror stories, be sure to check out the full episode linked in the show notes. In addition, be sure to check out our other episodes on relationships where we explore how to know if a relationship has run its course and also how to transform any relationship. In the interest of keeping up with our summer hot takes format, we are keeping it short and sweet again this episode.
But don't worry, we're kicking off the next season of the Lawyer Life podcast when we reconvene in two weeks. Lots of exciting things on the horizon and lots of big changes. I hope that you'll join us there. In the meantime, be sure to check out that free webinar on July 31st at 4 p .m. exploring where does overwhelm come from and how to stop it for good. Grab your seat by following the link in the show notes. And for those of you for whom I have yet to meet
be sure to head over to the Lawyer Life Collective and sign up for a free coaching consultation or virtual coffee and see if this work might be beneficial to you. I promise you, you're not signing up for a hard sell. I just wanna meet you, get to know you, hear how things are going for you and be a resource for you in the future if you ever need anything. Grab that free consult or coffee session over at thelawyerelifecollective .com. And if you haven't yet gotten your copy of the Lawyer Life Survival Guide, head over to amazon .com
and grab your copy today. Not only is it packed with actionable and practical tips and tricks, it's going to walk you through some real life coaching examples, including a handful of my own personal horror stories from my days as a young attorney. If nothing else, it certainly provides a level of entertainment and commiseration. If you have any questions, comments, or overly specific criticisms, feel free to email me at autumn at the lawyer life collective dot
Autumn G Noble (18:48.788)
As always, thanks so much for your support and listening and thanks for sharing with your friends.
