Your Therapist Needs Therapy 48 - Finding Your People with Special Guest Lane Moore

This week Jeremy is joined by the ultra-talented Lane Moore. Lane is a comedian, actor, author, and musician. Moore is the creator of the hit comedy show Tinder Live, bestselling author of How To Be Alone and You Will Find Your People, the frontperson in the band It Was Romance, and host of the podcast I Thought It Was Just Me on Patreon. Jeremy and Lane talk about how hard it is to make friends as an adult, the importance of chosen family, and the joys and perils of internet culture. It’s a very fun chat from two ADHD brains, covering a lot of topics in a short time.

To learn more about Lane you can head to lanemoore.org/ or follow her at hellolanemoore on social media. Lane also gave a TED talk related to her book How to be Alone, which is worth a watch!

Jeremy has all his practice info at Wellness with Jer, and you can find him on Instagram and YouTube. 

Head over to Patreon to support the show, or you can pick up some merch! We appreciate support from likes, follows, and shares as well!

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Podcasts about therapy do not replace actual therapy, and listening to a podcast about therapy does not signify a therapeutic relationship.

If you or someone you know is in crisis please call or text the nationwide crisis line at 988, or text HELLO to 741741. The Trevor Project has a crisis line for LGBTQ+ young people that can be reached by texting 678678.

Transcript

Your Therapist Needs Therapy - Lane Moore (2024-03-06 11:03 GMT-6) - Transcript
Attendees
Jeremy Schumacher, Lane Moore Assistant
Transcript
This editable transcript was computer generated and might contain errors. People can also change the text after it was created.
Jeremy Schumacher: I'm joined this week by the multi-talented Lane Moore lane. Thanks so much for joining me.
Lane Moore Assistant: I'm so excited to talk to you. Yeah, thanks for having me.
Jeremy Schumacher: I love having non-therapist on the podcast because I think The diagnosis this makes so much sense.
Lane Moore Assistant: Okay.
Jeremy Schumacher: And the way you talk about mental health and…
Lane Moore Assistant: totally
Jeremy Schumacher: your own Journey with it. And the way you wrote your books. I think is just so much more relatable to folks than saying. Here's a clinical diagnosis. Hope this helps.
Lane Moore Assistant: totally and I think it's one of those things for me. I've been in therapy for most of my life a lot of therapist. To me and so I think for a long time I really had to kind of and I think this is true for a lot of people kind of had to be my own therapist.
Lane Moore Assistant: something on a page that seemed really distant and didn't really Encompass everything I was going through and then also, there's just things that I learned on my own that when I found the words for it, it really clicked in a different way and I also know How helpful therapy can be helpful if you find a great therapist needs.
Jeremy Schumacher: Yeah, yeah and the lived experience helps give people language to experiences that are hard you're a writer you're good with words putting it into language that someone's holy s***. That's me helps so much to be read this paragraph. that's me versus having to come up with the words on your own.
Lane Moore Assistant: totally because I think that can be such a challenging thing when you're struggling with mental health stuff if you feel like you don't have the words to express what's going on with you that was true for me for so much of my life where honestly a lot of the diagnosis that I realized that I had to come up with my own. I hate that that's true for anybody where you have to get real lucky with that. So it's like for me I think a lot of what I do is if I can help people Get there faster than I was able to get there where I really had to Fumble around and there was so much pain and not understanding why you are you feel the way you feel why you have such a hard time interacting with the world and look in a perfect world. We all meet the perfect therapist.
Lane Moore Assistant: Needs therapy, but there's doors their therapist. I'm so happy for that. That's what I want. Yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: Yeah, and I mean in your life history and your story I'm assuming there are times where therapy was also inaccessible you talk about living out of your car and not having a ton of support That's hard to be like,…
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: alright, I'm in the Walmart parking lot gotta wake up and go to therapy tomorrow. that's just not always accessible to everyone.
Lane Moore Assistant: No, yeah, exactly and it's like, a lot of times people love to just be like, my God seek help and it's like first of all, do you know how hard it is, especially in this country to find a really good ist. Needs therapy. Your traumatized take care of it get rid of it it's some horrible thing and…
Jeremy Schumacher: Mm-hmm
Lane Moore Assistant: that it's easy to get rid of I think most people with mental health struggles. They don't know loving this. No one's loving a mental health struggle. No one loves feeling like they're completely alone. No one loves feeling like they're trying to tell their loved ones. How do I explain to you how this feels and you don't see You don't understand it. It's such a horrible feeling. so much of what? I want to do is make it so that it is this community thing. It's not this Thing that seems like this horrible burden you're choosing to carry. We're not actually.
00:05:00
Jeremy Schumacher: yeah, yeah and Writing your books you talk about attachment style and family history some of these things like that might be what you're going to therapy for without being aware of it without knowing this is…
Lane Moore Assistant: Totally and…
Jeremy Schumacher: what I'm carrying with me into the office.
Lane Moore Assistant: wish I had known about that before, I remember having a therapist needs therapy. And I talk about this relationship in my first book how to be alone because There was so much more going on in that relationship and with my own mental health and what I didn't realize I didn't fully understand how my trauma was manifesting all this stuff and sometimes if you have somebody who's not super trauma informed
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah, and you tell them I kind of want to break up but I don't know. Of course. They're gonna say just break up just move on but sometimes we want to cut and run because we're scared. We don't know how to accept a healthy relationship. We don't know how to accept someone who's loving us. So the answer was not to break up with that person. I would never have given that advice. I would have asked more questions. But if you're not trauma informed you're just like this person seems unhappy. Let's free her from this. no, because I went back and forth with him so many times we were breaking up all the time, because I just didn't know how to figure out my own nervous system and what was coming up for me so when I
Lane Moore Assistant: learned about attachment Styles and same thing, during the pandemic was kind of figuring that out in how to be alone and I talk about it some in that and then really during the pandemic started kind of translating them in tiktoks in a really funny way because a lot of what I had read about attachment styles again, similarly was this really clinical thing that was hard for me to absorb just what ADHD brain and you're just like, what are you I've lost the train here. I don't understand this. And it was such a fun thing to do because I figure that out just from kind of taking the information and looking at my own relationships and being like, I get it. I know how to kind of translate this for people whose brains are maybe wired like mine and a book of clinical texts is not going to be absorbed by my brain.
Jeremy Schumacher: yeah, yeah, and I like the difference between even the books you write and showing up on tiktok or Instagram in a different way like a therapist needs therapy either don't catch it or…
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: aren't asking questions about it and so Simple advice or empty platitudes that don't make sense to your brain.
Lane Moore Assistant: Literally that and it's like, I'm always careful when I talk about it because I don't want to make it sound like all therapist needs therapy don't understand or a Divergence aren't taking that into account. there's things that they really are good at and then there's just blind spots or things. They haven't studied or things are not informed on and that's okay and you're still grateful for the help that you can get. But at the same time how great would it be if everybody had access to a therapist needs in one therapist
Jeremy Schumacher: Good.
Lane Moore Assistant: the number of times that explain trauma have had to explain neurodivergence all these things to my own therapist.
Lane Moore Assistant: The good thing that I was able to have come out of that Was able to learn a lot on my own that I could put into my books put into my podcast put into social media and say look not every therapist needs.
Lane Moore Assistant: therapy where I can
Jeremy Schumacher: Yeah, and I think people who can translate that. I think also just normalizing you might need to see more than one therapist. needs
00:10:00
Lane Moore Assistant: I've seen many.
Lane Moore Assistant: But yeah.
Lane Moore Assistant: Right and feeling like you just have to and that's the thing too. I always want to validate how exhausting it is to do that and if you find one and they're not a good one and you kind of maybe thought they weren't but you wanted them to be and then I'm just say some stupid s*** and that's really harmful and those empty platitudes and you're like are Sleeping through this have you met me? How are you? Just giving me this Let It Go and you're nothing about a neurodivergent brain can simply and also that can simply let trauma go also there's a lot of trouble works if we could. we would it's just so those experiences are so
Lane Moore Assistant: challenging and exhausting and you go to therapy because you want to feel seen and heard in a way that you might not feel from anybody else and then when you have a therapist Doesn't make you feel that way it's so horrible. You just feel what place is safe Yeah, so hopefully, Through kind of translating these things that you can find Solace from people who understand why you're pissed that your therapist.
Lane Moore Assistant: Who understand these things for most of my life? I absolutely did not I was around a lot of people, I talk about this a lot you will find your people of reaching out in moments of real serious mental health challenges. I guess I talk about it how to be alone, too. but it had to be alone. I was more just like everybody sucks when it comes to talk about mental health and you will find your people talking about it. I wanted to write a whole chapter about how to help a friend who's struggling with mental illness because I still even now will run into people who you're in a low moment. You don't know who to You reach out to someone who says they want to help and then they say some stuff like do you have a therapist?
Lane Moore Assistant: Mean it just reads as this is Icky. You're not fun right now. Can you go talk to a pro and you're just like I just want a friend why can't? Friendship Encompass compassion. You don't have to be my therapist.
Lane Moore Assistant: Needs therapy. I'm so sorry. You're feeling that way God that must feel so lonely that feels so heavy why can't friendship Encompass that I truly believe that it should
Jeremy Schumacher: Yeah, and you talk about that in how to find your people like this idea that friendships can tolerate discomfort and that was You talk about it in the book this Eureka moment for you holy s*** it's okay for a friend and I to work through a thing instead of it just needs to be nice and pleasant all the time.
Lane Moore Assistant: and I never wanted that friendship and I always felt so weird for not being okay with just locking up all my feelings and struggles. that were outside of the pleasantries of an Instagram post where you're just like these are my besties. They always got my back when I talk about really simple problems. I know I didn't want a friendship like that. I wanted to be able to even at a very young age. I was
Lane Moore Assistant: Brought up in a world and an environment and a culture that really hasn't changed. It's changed a little bit but really didn't want to talk about feelings really didn't want to talk about struggles that were outside of I'm trying I'm studying for a big test this week like all these sitcom problems that are what we're told are appropriate to talk about within a friend group. But if you're going through anything more than that, that's weird. That's dark that's disgusting come back to us when you have jokes for us. has been a through line in my life. And I wanted to be free of that. I wanted more than that. And the way my brain works. It's like I want it for me and I want it for everybody because I know I'm not the only person out there like having
00:15:00
Lane Moore Assistant: this exact conversation and I'm grateful for whatever voice is in my head or my heart that knows and new as a little kid. if I'm going through this and this is Hell someone else is somewhere even if I don't know them even if they don't tell me and I wish I could free us both from this. I wish I could do that. So, it's so remarkable and kind of mind blowing when I get these DMS and stuff from people who are like, you absolutely did that for me. My brain is like
Lane Moore Assistant: it also unable to process it because that was such a dream of mine such a deep want of mine since I was a kid. Yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: Yeah, and I think the online community you're interesting you occupy this weird space for the online community around mental health and neurodivergence. Lgbtq plus issues like buy Erasure all this stuff that I think the online community can be super helpful for and then you also also do Tinder live,…
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: which is the worst part of the internet.
Lane Moore Assistant: It isn't but yeah dating apps. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: That's what I meant that the dating Community is like.
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah, I figured.
Jeremy Schumacher: Who are global warming is a problem. We should do something about it.
Lane Moore Assistant: totally
Jeremy Schumacher: But then in dating and these dating apps, it's the worst of the internet distilled through an algorithm into being frustrating and…
Lane Moore Assistant: yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: crazy making
Lane Moore Assistant: Totally and it's so funny because with Tinder live for people who don't know I guess I'll tell them a little bit about what Tinder live is I go on my dating app on a big projector screen and in real time. The audience chooses who we swipe right or left on and then we message the most chaotic profiles possible, which if you've ever swiped through particularly men's profiles, is most of them because there's some people who haven't done it and they're like, these must be just wonderful men that you're roasting first of all, that's the opposite of what I do and what I think is funny but no, it's calling out these profiles. That'll just be like, women are crazy. No fatties. No single moms. you seem ugly like you better shave every day all these
Lane Moore Assistant: Toxic men's profiles that can be really harmful and exhausting. And the reason that I started tender alive was to explore this thing that can be really isolating and exhausting and alienating and you feel like my gosh. Is anyone good here? And even if there are good profiles on there, but the process and this is true really for all genders, but I'm swiping through all these things and seeing somebody say something really hurtful. It's like a drive by even if you swipe left you still had to read that you still had to see it. you still had to see some weird transphobic joke. You still had to see some racist thing like you still had to wait through it and it's hard not to let that kind of ruin your day. So what I really wanted to do. with gender reliab was to
Lane Moore Assistant: Let people first of all make it a communal experience and make it something that was cathartic because the character I play on Tinder live is really taking aim at who a lot of those toxic guys want which is someone who's really young. Has one brain cell, needs at all super drunk super horny and kind of plays with that in a way really takes the power back and creates this thing. I know it's so cathartic and funny for people because I hear from so many women who are I thought I was the only one seeing profiles like that getting messages like that and you think it's because you deserve it.
Lane Moore Assistant: You think something is wrong with you some other woman who's prettier smarter better or whatever. She doesn't get that you get it because you deserve it and that's not true. We're all seeing the same crap. We're all navigating this and then, hear from men who are I didn't know it was this bad on dating apps and I'm like, yeah. You're welcome now, it can be rough.
00:20:00
Jeremy Schumacher: Yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: Yeah, it's and I come from it from a different perspective. Obviously, I'm a marriage therapist needs the
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah.
Lane Moore Assistant: Yes.
Lane Moore Assistant: I always love that. I get a lot of people in the audience exactly who are just like I've been married for 20 plus years and now I have to do this and what even is this and I'm like, I know I know and so it's like providing that catharsis but also providing, I will call stuff out on stage and be like, hey, here's why everyone in the audience grown when I read this guy's profile because there might be someone in the audience who has that in their profile and doesn't know why it's bad. So I genuinely want to make it better for people. So it has all these thread that's not just look at this moron like some of those people are more on say just don't know.
Lane Moore Assistant: How to communicate what they're actually trying to say I learned this where I started during the pandemic and I still do it I started redoing people's dating at profiles for them to make them less toxic and to communicate their emotions in a way that was less alienating because that's really what it is. there are people who are just crappy on dating apps, but some people don't know how to communicate what they want in a relationship without being like I don't want you to be like this and don't waste my time and it's like, that's not how to say that and some of these people are good people who just don't have the words don't have the tools which I'm sure you see all the time, too.
Jeremy Schumacher: Yeah, and if they're spending time online. Getting Andrew Tate recommended to them or Jordan Peterson or whatever and that's making their words worse like they're getting bad information.
Lane Moore Assistant: Wrong, he's telling yeah, and I got to say those toxic profiles. I always look at them and I'm like you're still on the app because it doesn't work. whatever Andrew Tate article or video you watched that told you this was the way to get women, you're still single bro. this isn't the way it's just like somebody got bad information or had some toxic douche friend. tell the women that they all look ugly. They'll plan for you and it's like please how can I undo that for you? I would love to and for all women I would love to undo that for them.
Jeremy Schumacher: yeah, yeah, which is
Jeremy Schumacher: Yes, I love in first your opening who you're writing the book to is this laundry list of shows and songs and artists and I want to touch on that because your books cover these concepts of chosen family and…
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: social support and normalized. It's hard to have a friend as an adult. But I love that kind of unspoken message that …
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: hey, sometimes when you're growing up and your family's not great this is your family. These are the people you learn from. These are the things you connect Here's Your Role Models. It might be a sitcom character or a superhero and that's okay if that's what you have available to you.
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah, thank I was really proud of that book dedication because it was my first book and all the book dedications that I would read for other people were thanks to my mom and dad for being so loving every day of my whole life and thanks to my perfect husband who brought me, gold wrapped candies every single that I'm like I didn't relate to any I was like this every author on Earth just have the best Partners. that's not my experience. And so I wanted my book dedication for how to be alone to be a dedication to all the TV characters that felt like friends to me the authors who felt so Kindred the musicians, I would listen to and be like, you get me like that was my friends and family. Those were the people who had always been there for me. So I always love when people appreciate that because it was kind of like, a gentle finger to all the book dedications. They're just like I've always been so loved now, I'm gonna
Lane Moore Assistant: talk about how life was hard for two seconds I didn't like those targets.
Jeremy Schumacher: Yeah.
Lane Moore Assistant: They may be so much more alone. You're just like How can you write this? I think you're just like but everyone's I've never had a bad day ever and I'm sure that's not what it means. But that's what it read like to me.
Jeremy Schumacher: yeah, I do want to highlight one of the shows you talk about in there that I never see talked about and my ADHD brain was like Lane and…
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: I are best friends already and we've never met you you mentioned Strangers With Candy and
Lane Moore Assistant: The biggest strangers fan biggest changes candy. I loved that show so much Jeremy blank is so incredible. everyone that show is just so unbelievably perfect. yeah, there's some deep cuts and that Dedication that I always love hearing from people the one that they're like, my God, you mentioned this and I'm like, yeah, I was obsessed with that. I don't think I mentioned anything in that list that it wasn't obsessed with I'm not really passive about anything especially with neurodivergence and ADHD stuff. if I mentioned it, I've seen it four thousand times and…
00:25:00
Jeremy Schumacher: Yeah. the dedication is also very coded ADHD.
Lane Moore Assistant: I know everything about it. Yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: As I was reading it. I was like, I don't know if Lane's neurodivergent. I don't want to diagnose someone on my podcast. But this is pretty ADHD.
Lane Moore Assistant: I extremely Yeah. I always love when people read that and they're just like I know you've since talked about it, but I knew before and I'm great. I wish you had told me sooner it would have been nice.
Jeremy Schumacher: Yeah, I don't know if you've experienced this but I say this to my clients a lot because I diagnosed a lot of adult ADHD that was missed earlier neurodivergent brains find each other.
Lane Moore Assistant: wow. Yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: It's So weird, but there's a communal aspect like your brain doesn't work. The way society says it should mine either cool. Let's be friends.
Lane Moore Assistant: I think there was a lot of that too in my younger years where I was around only neurotypical people or only straight people or whatever. It is. and you don't realize that's part of it. It's not that person's bad. But you realize you don't really get me and I don't really feel seen by you and I don't know why and it's not that you can't be friends in neurotypical people, but I will say increasingly. I've been like, I don't know if I can have as deep of a friendship with somebody who's neurotypical because
Lane Moore Assistant: It's just you have those little moments where it infuriates you that they're just like I'm gonna go run my 30 errands today and come back home and do this and I got everything done and life is just easy for me and you're like, this is making me sad. This is like a girl boss Instagram post that I can't be around, hashtag not all neurotypical people or whatever but yeah, you just kind of are like I want to be friends with other weirdos who get why something is affecting me so deeply that quote unquote doesn't matter.
Jeremy Schumacher: Yeah. Yeah. I will cut this but how hard is your out for 11:30?
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah, I have a meeting at I guess 12:30 my time.
Jeremy Schumacher: Okay. Yeah.
Lane Moore Assistant: So yeah,…
Lane Moore Assistant: if we can wrap up, that'd be great. Yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: Okay, I'm gonna wrap and…
Jeremy Schumacher: let you plug what you want to plug.
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah, that sounds great.
Jeremy Schumacher: Okay, awesome Lane. This has been a lovely chat if people want to learn more about your work follow you on socials. Where do they find your stuff?
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah, so I'm at hello Lane Moore on Instagram and Twitter and tiktok and everything. If you want to find out about tour dates, I have some really cool merch also that I hand drawn is very mental health focused. All that stuff is Lane moore.org and you can find tour dates. I think I said that already ADHD brain is Saying hard. I also have a mental health and relationships podcast I thought it was just me that touches on all this stuff too. And that is on patreon.com slash Lane Moore.
Jeremy Schumacher: Yeah, and we'll have all those links in the show notes. So people can find them Lane. Thanks so much for all the work you do and…
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah.
Jeremy Schumacher: for B coming on and chatting today.
Lane Moore Assistant: Yeah, thank you so much just it was wonderful.
Jeremy Schumacher: All right, and to all our wonderful listeners, thanks for tuning in again. We'll be back next week with another new episode.
Meeting ended after 00:28:46 👋