From Overwhelm to CALM in Minutes: The Simple Question You're Not Asking Yourself

When was the last time you asked yourself: "What do I need here?" Or if you did, when was the last time you answered honestly, from the heart, noticing what emotional needs you have in that given moment?

In this episode, I'm sharing why this deceptively simple question is so powerful.

 If you're like most of the high-achieving working moms I know, you can't remember the last time you asked yourself what YOU need...because you're too busy worrying about meeting everyone else's needs! Or perhaps you thought about it, but the answer was really just more of what you "should" do or what you "have to" do.

It takes courage to ask this question, answer honestly, and do what it takes to meet our emotional needs.  Especially when that means we have to disappoint someone else or be a little less perfect.

We are taught to believe that acknowledging our emotions is self-indulgent and a waste of time. But it's not. It's essential. It's the key to feeling less overwhelmed and showing up as the calm, connected moms we want to be. And this simple question is the first step.

So take a listen and give it a try this week. You might be surprised at what a difference it makes!

PS I'll be digging even deeper into this topic in my upcoming Webinar on Thursday, Feb 8th: Cure Your Headless Chicken Syndrome with the CALM Method.
I'll show you how simple strategies like this can make a huge difference in your life. Register HERE.

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Need help applying this to your life? Ready for more strategies like this, but personalized to YOU? Set up your free consult and let’s talk about your unique situation and how coaching can help:
https://getcoached.jennyhobbsmd.com/consult
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Everything on this podcast and website is for informational purposes only and should not be used as medical advice. Views are our own, and do not necessarily represent those of our past or present employers or colleagues.

Transcript

Kevin: 0:09

Welcome to Rethink your Rules with Jenny Hobbs MD. A fresh perspective on relationships, success and happiness for high achieving moms.

Jenny: 0:23

Hey, there it's Jenny. Welcome back to another episode of Rethink your Rules. I am so excited to just sit and share with you today. I'm cozyed up here. It's kind of cold and wet here in Seattle. I think most of the US has been really cold this week, so I'm snuggled up in my sweats and just reflecting on the week now that it's Friday, and really excited to share a couple things from the heart with you, starting with the fact that, yes, I'm recording this on a Friday and you know what I am supposed to quote unquote supposed to record this on Wednesday and release it on Thursday, and I'm supposed to do that every week and I missed a week last week and it's Friday instead of Wednesday right now. And I'm telling you this despite the fact that everyone who tells you how to run podcasts and businesses like mine would say that I really shouldn't share that, that it makes me seem disorganized or inconsistent and that it's not a great way to build a following and all that stuff. But I want to share that with you specifically because the reason that I'm in this situation is because I asked myself some really one really key question actually, and that's what I want to talk to you about on this podcast.

Jenny: 1:43

So in the last couple of weeks I've had a number of moments where I've needed to ask myself what do I need here? And this is a deceptively simple question, so I don't want you to miss it what do I need here? And I've had to ask myself that and put it first. Put it before what I am supposed to do to grow my business or to be consistent business owner, before what do I need to do for my family. What does my family need? Right, how can I be more successful? How can I be kinder to everyone around me? How can I do a little bit more at work, even before? How much sleep or exercise or whatever am I quote supposed to do for my health, for those goals that I have? And this may sound kind of crazy coming from coach, a life coach, like how do you get anywhere in life? And I'm just asking what do I need here instead of sticking with the goals and following through and being decisive? And there is a time and a place for all of that. But the reason I'm highlighting this question is because part of what coaching gives you is the ability to ask that question and be open to whatever answer your mind and body give you Sometimes when we ask that question.

Jenny: 3:18

Most of the time when we ask that question, we answer it with something that comes from what we've been told is best. Again, what we've decided our business coach said we should do, or our trainer said we should do, or that person on the internet said is a white thing to do, or a habit of always checking off all the things in the list before we stop and rest, or always returning emails within this much time frame, whatever the case may be, all these unspoken rules that I talk about so much and so often we think that we are checking in with what we need, but we're really checking in with those unspoken rules and the key to everything is being able to ask that question what do I need here? And answer it honestly, which means that sometimes you're going to get a different answer. Sometimes the answer is going to be to break one of those unspoken rules, and your inner wisdom knows that and I know this sounds kind of woo. If you're like me, it's probably what sounded woo to be a few years ago, but I have become so much more in tune with my body and my emotions and my needs and things like that. And I've learned to trust myself to answer that question, and I've learned to recognize what the right answer is for me, even when it might seem like the wrong answer to someone outside me, and even when it might seem like the wrong answer on paper for what I said I was going to do the day before. And this is very different, mind you, than avoiding something just because you don't want to or just being lazy or I don't know. I can't think of another example. But there's a difference between listening to that inner voice and doing what you need, regardless of how it looks on the outside or what previous unspoken rules is breaking. That's very different than just saying, oh gosh, I can't handle, I don't want to face this thing I'm afraid of, so I'm not going to do it. Do you see the difference there?

Jenny: 5:15

So that's why I say this question is deceptively simple and sometimes, like in my case last week, I was completely drained from so many things with my new job and family things and various logistical issues and whatever else, and I had to make the decision that what I needed there was to not stay up and try to put together a podcast for you, just because I had on paper. You know, do this every week. That was what I needed in that moment and I felt good about that decision. Right, and the same thing earlier this week. Your answers may be different, but I want you especially as we're sitting here on a Friday I really think it's important for you to start asking yourself this as you reflect on the week that just happened. You can do our evaluation process.

Jenny: 6:10

I've talked about before what worked, what didn't, what I want to do differently. But you can also ask yourself in there, you know, where did I really honor what I needed? So, rather than saying like beating yourself up because you didn't get something done, maybe give yourself some credit. Okay, was I honoring what I needed in that moment? Can I actually celebrate the fact that I listened to myself, right? Or if you had an uncomfortable conversation and you're feeling bad about the person's reaction, well, really honestly ask yourself well, maybe I was doing what I needed there, right? Or if you're heading into the weekend and you're feeling uneasy about something with your family or your spouse, maybe commit to yourself that you're going to be asking throughout the weekend.

Jenny: 6:46

You know what do I need here, but how can I trust myself and how can I have my own back when I decide what I need and I trust myself and I ask for it, even if that person's not too happy, right? So sometimes that might look like your kids want you to do something and, rather than just knee jerk, well, I should do it because I haven't seen them much and da-da-da, okay. Well, what do I need here? Do I need a little more time with my kids and this works great, or do I need a break? Whatever, do I need to ask for some boundaries around this? Whatever the case, going back to that question that's so simple what do I need here? And it doesn't have to be a big, complicated thing, it doesn't have to take a lot of time. I just think that you would be amazed what you find when you really let yourself ask that question and trust yourself to know the answer and not expect anyone else outside of you to approve of it, whether it's your spouse or whether it's your own sense of duty and obligation.

Jenny: 7:38

And part of the reason I wanted to talk about this question was because I've been having a lot of conversations with my clients and they've started using this question, and I'm talking about very accomplished, brilliant doctors and women who are very successful in their own fields not just medicine business leaders and nurses and all kinds of great people. And I've had a lot of them come back to me and say, you know, I realized I don't ask myself that question pretty much ever, like it was so weird when I started asking that question before I just responded to everyone else's needs Like what do I need here? And they've had a lot of wisdom and insight that's come from that. And notice how I'm not the one giving them those insights. They're finding those insights. I'm helping them find them by offering this tool, but those insights are coming from their own brain, so that tells me that they're already there.

Jenny: 8:30

We just have to get in the habit of asking and looking for them, which you know is the power of coaching, because I help you prioritize and focus on that which you might not otherwise ever do, because it's hard without a cheerleader, kind of helping you find that wisdom, because most other people are not going to support that. They're going to just support what they need and what they want out of you or from you. And it's not, you know, to say that they're bad people. This is just human nature and they're used to you giving and giving and giving. So this is how you kind of really get back to understanding why you're, you know, pouring from an empty cup, as that saying goes. We got to figure out what you need to fill up your own cup, and you can't do that until you ask this question. So I know it sounds crazy, but I really want you to focus on asking yourself that what do I need here? And just don't dissuade yourself from going with the answer, even if it sounds counterintuitive, even if it means ticking an app instead of returning an email or whatever the case may be, and remind yourself that, even if that is the quote unquote, wrong choice or someone gets upset like, you're still going to have your own back, because it's always a win when you are reconnecting with what you want and connecting back to your body.

Jenny: 9:30

And the other reason I want to talk about this is because so many of my clients talk with me about how they feel like actually, a couple of people use this phrasing a chicken with its head cut off. They're running around like a chicken with their head cut off a lot of the time, right, and I started calling this the headless chicken syndrome because it's so common and I mentioned to my husband. He's like, yeah, that's how he was, like that's totally how you have been for many years, right? And so when we're in that headless chicken syndrome, we are not asking what I need here, we're just running around doing all the things and we're in our brain and we're very cognitive right, and most of us have been trained through medicine or nursing or finance or whatever we do, to like be in the cognitive world. What needs to be done, what's next, what's next, what's next? It's part of capitalism, right? You have ADHD. I mean, forget about it. You're in headless chicken syndrome, running around all the time and going, going, going, and so most of us are up in that level and I've noticed my clients saying, gosh, I feel like a headless chicken.

Jenny: 10:21

I feel like a headless chicken. I feel like I don't really know what I want. I feel like, you know, I don't take time for myself, but I don't know how to like get out of this because there's just so much to do and so much going on and I can't find that inner calm right. And it's kind of whenever I notice clients saying the same words to me over and over, like that, talking about headless chicken and overwhelm and then talking about they want that inner calm or that inner peace or their focus on that. I always pay close attention to the patterns that I see because I know that if several of my clients are mentioning it then you're probably feeling it too right. So for my clients who are in that place and that space of headless chicken running around, overwhelmed, too much to do and they're kind of wishing that they felt calm and centered and like they found a few minutes of time to do things they loved and enjoyed, but they feel like they can never get there and they're kind of resentful of everyone around them, like their husband who isn't helping them get their bosses or their kids even. I mean I admit sometimes that happens with me too right.

Jenny: 11:21

So for people in that position, I have found this question is such a great starting point in a centering question like what do I need here? And we resisted because when we were in headless chicken syndrome mentality, the headless chicken syndrome is sort of characterized by this focus on hyper rationality and cognitive things right and lists and to-dos and the hustle and we tell ourselves we don't have time to ask what we need, we don't even have time to think about what we do with 10 minutes to ourselves, okay, and this is where we have to start. We have to prove to ourselves that in fact, we do have time. I had a client try this out and she told me she actually said I think it took me less than six minutes to figure out what I needed and to like kind of get myself to a space and then get refocused and get back to it and a very hectic day. Okay. Before we worked together she would never have taken that time.

Jenny: 12:17

And six minutes may even sound like a lot of time to you, but you get that time back because you don't end up in a fight with your husband or forgetting something or yelling at your kids and having to make up with them later, right, so I want you to trust me here. Just start by asking this question and trusting yourself and noticing and following. Okay, what do I need here? And if you find, gosh, I know what I need and there's no way I can get it because there's too many obstacles in the way, that's also valuable, right, just pack that. Pack that way, follow that away in your mind. Okay, like, I know what I need and I can't figure out how to get there. So sometime maybe I need to think about what obstacles I can remove so I can find that in my life, or how can I create that for myself later. Or, of course, you can talk to me like that's what I'm here for.

Jenny: 12:58

I help you kind of from outside of all of that headless chicken confusion. I help you kind of center in on what you need and help you get a strategy in place to get there, because often when we're in that state, we can't even see the logical steps to create that space for ourselves. It's totally normal. We aren't in a logical space, right then, and that's life. Okay, that's being a human. That's being a high achieving too much mom, as I talk about. Right, that's being someone with ADHD. This is why coaching is so useful for ADHD, because we sometimes just need someone to kind of slow us down and go step by step through this. Okay, that's what I'm here for.

Jenny: 13:32

The other piece of this is that asking what do I need here is a way of noticing your emotional state, okay, and the emotion that is driving you. I want to talk more about this in next episode, but the reason you do or don't do anything is because of an emotion, and those of us who have ADHD, who are in these kind of high performing careers that are busy moms we are often trained to never think about our emotions, or I should say a better way to say is we have just never been taught to think about our emotions, to name them, to deal with them. We were taught that they're kind of like a nuisance in the way, that we should like ignore them and, in fact, the secret to everything is to stop ignoring them and to get the skill of noticing them and processing them so that we can move past the emotions and accomplish what we want. Okay, so it's so counterintuitive. It's something that has to be learned because no one teaches us this. They don't teach you about your emotions in school.

Jenny: 14:31

Growing up, most of our parents are kind of bad at this, to be honest. It wasn't a part of our culture much in the past. It's getting better, but it hasn't been. Certainly, when you're going through higher training, like you know, to become a physician or a nurse or a lawyer or whatever, no one is teaching you the power and importance of learning to handle your emotions in a healthy way. Okay, so you have to learn it. It's a skill that you have to actually stop and focus on and redirect your brain to try something different. Okay, this is how you stop that headless chicken. This is how you find that inner peace. This is how you accomplish all the things that you're wondering why you're not doing. Why am I not doing this? Why am I doing this silly thing? Over and over, it all lies in this step.

Jenny: 15:11

Okay, and this is what I teach my clients in the call method, and I don't think that it is a stretch to say it can completely change your life, especially if you're person with ADHD, even more so because we are notoriously bad at handling our emotions and our emotions feel more overwhelming and more difficult to control than other people, so this is particularly important for us. But, honestly, anyone can benefit from this, so don't ignore it. Just if you think you don't have ADHD or you're not sure, just give it a try. Notice those emotions and start by asking yourself what do I need here? And noticing what comes up and seeing if you can get a little bit better, even one time a week, of honoring what you need here, instead of those unspoken rules or expectations from other people. Okay, and if and when you are ready to take it to the next level, or if this is making a lot of sense. But you have some questions or you wanna see exactly how this would play out in your life.

Jenny: 16:06

I have two great options for you. The first one is a webinar. It's a brand new webinar that I am doing, that I just put together, called Cure your Headless Chicken Syndrome with the Calm Method. And, yes, I am totally gonna talk about the symptoms of Headless Chicken Syndrome and the prognosis, just like any doctor, right. And I'm gonna talk about what you can do to treat it and cure it with the methods that I've developed that have worked for me and my clients, and that's the Calm Method, starting with connecting with ourselves and our emotions and learning the skill of self-compassion. It's gonna be a lot of fun. I'm gonna have you walk away with tools you can use right away in just a few minutes at a time, totally free.

Jenny: 16:44

It's gonna be February 8th. I almost said the wrong date, thursday, february 8th. It's going to be at 1 pm Pacific time, which is 4 pm Eastern time. There will be a recording replay available. You gotta go to the link and sign up so that you can be sure to be on the list to receive everything. Okay, so the link will be in the show notes, but it's gonna be getcoachedgennehobsmdcom backslashheadlesschicken. Okay, and that'll be in the show notes.

Jenny: 17:13

I'll be talking about it, you know, all over my social media. But join us for that. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's totally free. It's just for anyone who's a working mom that's looking for that little glimmer of inner calm and peace instead of feeling overwhelmed all the time. Okay, and of course, in the meantime, if you don't wanna wait for February 8th, or if you wanna just have a one-on-one chat and that sounds a lot less stressful than you know a webinar, that's totally fine. You can use the link that's always in my show notes instead of a console Again, totally free. You just get me helping you. I listened to everything about your life and I help you figure out how we wanna proceed and get you feeling better and finding that calm for yourself. Okay, so two options webinar February 8th, or console anytime for free. Both are free. The webinar you can be anonymous on there, so don't worry about that, and I'll be back with more on emotions and Headless Chicken Syndrome next week. I hope you have an amazing weekend. Bye, I'll see you next time.

Kevin: 18:13

Thanks for listening to Rethink your Rules with Jenny Hobbs MD.