Journey through the highs & lows of family travel with a neurodiverse child in our latest podcast episode. Discover how empathy & adaptation pave the way for unforgettable experiences.
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Need help applying this to your life? Ready for more strategies like this, but personalized to YOU? Set up your free consult and let’s talk about your unique situation and how coaching can help:
https://getcoached.jennyhobbsmd.com/consult
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Everything on this podcast and website is for informational purposes only and should not be used as medical advice. Views are our own, and do not necessarily represent those of our past or present employers or colleagues.
Journey through the highs & lows of family travel with a neurodiverse child in our latest podcast episode. Discover how empathy & adaptation pave the way for unforgettable experiences.
_________
Need help applying this to your life? Ready for more strategies like this, but personalized to YOU? Set up your free consult and let’s talk about your unique situation and how coaching can help:
https://getcoached.jennyhobbsmd.com/consult
_________
Everything on this podcast and website is for informational purposes only and should not be used as medical advice. Views are our own, and do not necessarily represent those of our past or present employers or colleagues.
Welcome to Rethink your Rules with Jenny Hobbs MD. A fresh perspective on relationships, success and happiness for high achieving moms.
Speaker 2:Hey, there it's Jenny. Welcome back to another episode of Rethink your Rules. This week I am sharing another lesson learned from my kids. I don't think I've done one of these episodes in a while, and this experience with my kid actually happened while we were traveling a couple of years ago and it kept kind of coming to mind as I was doing my little series on traveling with a neurodiverse family. So I thought I would just go ahead and share this as sort of a brief episode of its own, because I do think that this experience, while it did happen on a trip, is kind of relevant for many interactions that we have with our kids, particularly if we have a neurodiverse child or a child that struggles with sort of doing the typical things that other kids like to do, and, honestly, it also gave me a little insight into just human nature in general.
Speaker 2:So this happened a couple of years ago while we were at Legoland in San Diego, and I had actually planned this trip specifically because I thought it would be a great option for my kids, even though one of them doesn't really like to travel. Everyone had told me that they were kind of at the perfect ages for Legoland to really enjoy it, and I'd also heard that the rides there were maybe a little bit more tame and less intense than the ones at, say, disney World or Disneyland and I have one kid that doesn't really like super scary roller coasters but does like some fun rides and things and inside of Legoland they actually have a water park, which my kids both have really enjoyed water parks and swimming in the past. So I thought this was a great way to actually get some sun and travel, which my husband and I like to do, but also in a way that my kids would enjoy it. And I don't know about you, but I just love San Diego in general. So the plan was to go to Legoland and actually stay at the Legoland hotel right there, keep it super simple and spend a couple of days there, and then we were going to go for about four or five days to an Airbnb house within walking distance of the beach in San Diego and have a lot of free time to be at the place, relaxing, but then also go, you know, maybe check out the San Diego zoo and some other things, and we were going to keep it a little bit open-ended. We also planned ahead and actually invited my niece, who's in her early twenties to come with us because she had not ever gotten to go there and she's great with kids. She's an elementary ed which at the time she was finishing up her elementary education degree. She's done now and she does great with my children, and so we thought this is perfect, because if one of the kids doesn't want to go to things, then we have a third adult to kind of flex with us, right, and then we could maybe, you know, kevin and I could get a date night squeezed in there somewhere and it would be great.
Speaker 2:So we really tried to follow all of the tenants that I went on and on about in the last three episodes about travel. And we go on this trip and we get to Legoland and just from almost the beginning of it my son was having a really hard time enjoying himself. So there's the scavenger hunt you do when you arrive at the hotel, which seems super cool, and my kids ran off and did that, and then the prize that we got was, um, like a little Lego set to put together. That was super cute, but of course to my son that was like not not good enough, like he felt like it wasn't worth the effort. So he was disappointed about the price.
Speaker 2:And then we went to our first day of Legoland and I don't know if he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed or what happened, but from the minute we went in there he was just unhappy. He didn't want to do any of the rides, he didn't want to wait in any of the lines. It was really nice weather, there were sprinklers, there was treats, there was all kinds of fun stuff. My daughter wasn't doing it and he was just having none of it. And he was so unhappy that he couldn't just go along with the flow with the rest of the family and be a little bit bored. He was actively miserable and sharing that with everyone and refusing to walk with us and refusing to participate and just complaining loudly and making it really challenging for anyone to enjoy what they were doing. And eventually we sort of had to kind of split up and one of us had to hang out with him and we kind of tried to take him to other parts of the park that he might enjoy and he just could not get into a frame of mind that was anywhere close to just neutral or, okay, much less positive.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it was kind of bothering everyone in the group. My niece, you know, she even kind of said she was like gosh. You know, sometimes my brother doesn't like what we're doing as a family but he'll just, you know, kind of like be quiet and hang out with us but not like actively resist doing everything you know so loudly. And you know, she just was kind of commenting on that and obviously she knows our kids and she loves our kids and I, you know, she just was kind of commenting on that and obviously she knows our kids and she loves our kids and I, you know, I kind of felt the same way. I was like geez, like we're here for for him, right, and for my daughter, and it's not like I would have picked to spend this much time at Legoland, but I was really hoping that this would be something that they could easily find enjoyable.
Speaker 2:And it kind of just persisted throughout the morning for whatever reason, and I found eventually that what I had to do was basically buy my son some kind of you know icy or ice cream or some kind of treat you know, every hour or two, just to kind of keep him from having a bad attitude and keep him like somewhat happy and long story short. You know, we were there for a couple of days. He did find things that he did enjoy here and there, but then he would get kind of stuck on the random thing that he would enjoy and then not want to leave and do the next thing. And it wasn't a consistently easy time and he really wouldn't just go over and say, enjoy the water park, even though he typically always enjoys those things. So by late morning on the second day we're there. I said offhandedly to my niece that I was walking with. Well, it seems like it's about time to find some kind of treat so that these guys won't start acting like assholes, which obviously I don't think my children are assholes, so don't judge me. I just sometimes, sort of tongue in cheek, use that as a way to refer to the way that kids can act sometimes when they're not at their best.
Speaker 2:And honestly, it was true I knew I needed to get some kind of sugar or food going or else there was going to start being a lot of complaining and frustration, whatever. And, to be honest, I probably wasn't at my best right. I was kind of bitter because I had specifically chosen that trip, thinking it would be easy for my kids to have a good time. It wasn't, of course, what I would have picked to do with my vacation time. It costs money to do it the way that I did it making everything super easy and staying right there at the place and all this stuff and I felt a little bit annoyed that I still had to spend money every couple hours on sugary treats to get them to calm down and enjoy a place that I had already paid for for them in the first place. Right, it was like why didn't I just go where I wanted to go then and pay for a treat for them every hour, right? So I was just feeling a little bit bitter and being human.
Speaker 2:But my daughter heard me say that Apparently she'd been standing not too far behind my niece and I, and my daughter heard me say that Apparently she'd been standing not too far behind my niece and I, and so she heard mom called us assholes, went and told my son this. So they were both mad. They came up frustrated. So I had kind of stepped aside and was now walking with my son, who was really mad at me, and I was like, hey, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it that way. I don't think you guys are assholes, and that's not what I said.
Speaker 2:I was just kind of expressing my frustration that it just seems like I planned this trip and worked so hard and yet people are still complaining and can't find any way to enjoy themselves. And I was like if you could just be more flexible and kind of maybe just keep it to yourself when you're so upset sometimes and not take it out on everyone else and not demand all these things, you know, it would just be a lot easier or something like that. You know, I basically was just like if you could just do da, da, da, it would be so much better. And there was a brief pause as we're walking along and he goes mom, I am working on all of those things. It's just really hard, especially when I'm trying to do them all at once. And I remember just being so floored because I first of all felt terrible, of course, and also I just thought that was such a honest and vulnerable response that had so much truth to it and so much wisdom. And it's interesting because you know, this was long after I had already internalized some parenting concepts, like kids do well when they can, which is from a book I've talked about before, the Explosive Child, like I believed that kids do well when they can, already right, and I thought about that a lot and I had probably by that point, even done a podcast here for you talking about. You know, everyone is doing the best that they can and I often use kids as an example of that.
Speaker 2:But for whatever reason on that trip I wasn't in that mindset at all. I was very focused on how it looked to me, which was it looked to me like he wasn't trying to enjoy this trip and get along with everyone, and because it looked to me like he wasn't trying, I just assumed that that was true. He wasn't. And I was frustrated, right, and wanting him to be different and wanting him to change, and I needed my own kid in that moment to remind me of that right and he did so in this just very sort of I don't know matter of fact way that kind of stopped me in my tracks and it was just such a poignant, memorable moment for me as a parent and it actually has left me with a number of lessons that I've brought into my parenting and just how I look at people in general. So I'm going to share some of those now and could see if they resonate with you as well.
Speaker 2:So the biggest thing that I realized, right as he was saying that was okay, just because it doesn't look to me like he's trying doesn't mean that he's not trying right. Maybe he is doing the best he can with the resources he has available and maybe this is what that looks like, right? How do I really know whether or not he's doing his best? I think that is one that we can translate not just to our kids, but to any other human right Like you just really never are going to know for sure what their best is, even if you think that you know and you're so sure that they could be doing better because you've seen them do better in another scenario or whatever. At that moment, with whatever's going on in their brain, that's the best they can come up with, especially with kids.
Speaker 2:I think it's honestly that clear cut, because it's really our role, when they're this young, to figure out what it is that they're lacking that's preventing them from doing better, right? So, rather than just observing that they are being rude or manipulative or lazy or whatever, like, where is that coming from? There's a reason for that. There's a skill they're lacking, there's a problem that's going on, there's a trauma that's happened that you're not aware of, and so it's not really helpful to just assume that they're not trying. It's more helpful to kind of try to understand why it's looking like that and what's preventing them from doing better in that situation. Maybe they need, you know, therapy or medication or a different setup, or, you know, maybe there's an unmet need that's completely unrelated that's resulting in them acting this way right. Especially as parents, I think that's our job.
Speaker 2:But then I have this other takeaway I thought about, because obviously sometimes it's not a situation where it's our job to help them figure this out. They're not a kid or not our kid, right? They're maybe older, they're maybe an adult, and it seems pretty obvious to us that they are acting like an asshole and they are not trying right, and we are frustrated. And it's maybe harder to get to this point of I wonder what skill they're lacking that I could help them develop so that they could do better right. Maybe that's easier with our own kids and not so easy in some situations, but even in that case, notice how the type of thinking I was doing in this situation was not helping. So I was thinking along these lines of he's not even trying, he's acting like an asshole quote, unquote, as I said to my niece, right? But the result of that was that I acted like an asshole. First of all, right, I felt like an asshole when he said he was trying and it was hard. Plus, notice how that did not result in any improvement in how he was acting or us all enjoying the time together on this trip. It was just making things worse.
Speaker 2:For me to think that way so that's my other takeaway that I've had is like, even if it, even if my son was out and out lying to me when he said he was trying okay, or even if some other human says they're doing their best and they're really not doing their best, right, choosing to think they're not doing their best, they're just being an asshole. That kind of thinking doesn't create anything good for you. It only makes you look like an asshole and it creates more problems to solve. It doesn't solve the original frustration and problem anyway. So there's really no benefit to that line of thinking. It's always more beneficial to just assume that they're doing the best that they can, because at least then it's less frustrating for you and it actually has the potential for you to show some empathy and create connection, which is your best chance of them actually wanting to change Right and so like with my son when I was able to apologize and show empathy and acknowledge that we at least have a little bit better chance.
Speaker 2:Now I'm not piling on like more and more shame and negativity for him because the more and more negative emotion he has, he feels disconnected and frustrated and misunderstood by me. It is, you know, those emotions do not create him having a good attitude and being able to calm down and enjoy the trip. They just make him more and more frustrated and more and more likely to wall off and not talk to me. But if I'm able to respond in a more mature way and assume the positive intent and that he is trying and be empathetic and curious and try to help figure that out, that creates an environment where we do have some chance of him maybe having a slightly better attitude. Right, it's not a guarantee. That's not why you do it Frankly. You do it for yourself so you can enjoy your trip and not be arguing with reality and trying to make a person different than they are.
Speaker 2:But I come back to that over and over just because, first of all, I do believe my son and that was a very honest response and I think many of our kids, if we ask them, feel like they're trying their best and feel like people are still not happy with their best and that we don't see that. And secondly, I think that whether that's true or not, that people are trying their best, it's always a better place for us to be to assume that than to assume they're just being an asshole. And then the third thing that's come up as a lesson for me around this is more recent and it's come from doing more reading and listening to podcasts about autism and, long story short, what I'm beginning to understand better and better all the time is that for an autistic person, when experiences come up that are not preferred or feel out of control, like traveling right and the way that it feels inside is sort of this flood of anxiety, almost on the level of like PTSD type of response at times. And I haven't circled back and talked with my kid about this at all and he's pretty young and I don't necessarily even know that all the things I'm reading and hearing you know he would necessarily identify with, because I don't want to speak for his experience, because I don't want to speak for his experience. But it has occurred to me as I look back on that interaction at Legoland that maybe my kid was literally in this overwhelming fight or flight anxiety type response related to that situation and that's why he couldn't do the things that he knew we wanted him to do and, to be honest, that makes me again feel like a bit of an asshole as a mom.
Speaker 2:But it also just reminds me that there's always a reason. There is a reason why kids are doing what they're doing. There's a reason why other people are doing what they're doing and it may not make sense to us and it might be years or never until we find out what that reason was. But if we can trust that that reason is there, we at least can maintain connection and partnership with that person and give them the best chance of working through it in a safe environment. We're not adding to their trauma and we can just feel better about how we are showing up as the best parent or human or friend or partner that we can be right. And of course we're never going to do it all perfectly. We're humans who have our own emotions to deal with too right, but I just for me at least, this is something I come back to over and over as a reminder of how I want to show up, how I don't want to show up and why I do this work of coaching myself and getting my mindset right and understanding my kids better. So I hope that you can relate to that as well and you have a takeaway that you were able to take from this story and, as always, if this does resonate with you, I am here.
Speaker 2:The next step. If this feels like something that makes a lot of sense, but you're not quite sure how to apply it to your life, or you're wondering about a specific situation that I maybe haven't covered, the best thing to do is to set up a free consult with me. The link is here in the show notes. It is a chance for me to hear exactly what's going on in your life, all the details. You can just lay it all out there, and then we will go through it and talk about how these tools would be applied in your situation and what type of results you can expect from that. So I am here and with that, I hope you have an amazing weekend and I'll talk to you next week.
Speaker 1:Thanks for listening to Rethink your Rules with Jenny Hobbs MD. Would you like to learn more about how to apply this to your own life through personalized coaching with Jenny? Visit us on the web at JennyHobbsMDcom to schedule a free consultation. No-transcript.