The original episode ("Would You Rather be Unique or Normal?") was based on an eye-opening conversation with my child about our pandemic puppies. His unique perspective, shaped by autism spectrum disorder and ADHD, encouraged me to question some of my most deeply held beliefs about the importance of fitting in.
It also illustrates the idea of being neurodiversity-affirming: viewing differently wired brains not as problems to be solved, but rather natural variations with unique strengths... as well as unique challenges. As we delve into this topic, we'll question whether being "normal" should be the ultimate goal, and explore the inherent value of embracing diversity.
So please join me and get inspired to embrace the uniqueness in yourself and others! Mentioned in this episode: Neurodiversity: A Conference About People Who Think Differently Click HERE to register for VIP virtual access to the neurodiversity CME discussed in this episode. You'll receive links to watch my talk, along with those of the other physician experts, plus access to online materials and more!
_________ Need help applying this to your life? Ready for more strategies like this, but personalized to YOU? Set up your free consult and let’s talk about your unique situation and how coaching can help: https://getcoached.jennyhobbsmd.com/consult _________
Everything on this podcast and website is for informational purposes only and should not be used as medical advice. Views are our own, and do not necessarily represent those of our past or present employers or colleagues.
The original episode ("Would You Rather be Unique or Normal?") was based on an eye-opening conversation with my child about our pandemic puppies. His unique perspective, shaped by autism spectrum disorder and ADHD, encouraged me to question some of my most deeply held beliefs about the importance of fitting in.
It also illustrates the idea of being neurodiversity-affirming: viewing differently wired brains not as problems to be solved, but rather natural variations with unique strengths... as well as unique challenges. As we delve into this topic, we'll question whether being "normal" should be the ultimate goal, and explore the inherent value of embracing diversity.
So please join me and get inspired to embrace the uniqueness in yourself and others! Mentioned in this episode: Neurodiversity: A Conference About People Who Think Differently Click HERE to register for VIP virtual access to the neurodiversity CME discussed in this episode. You'll receive links to watch my talk, along with those of the other physician experts, plus access to online materials and more!
_________ Need help applying this to your life? Ready for more strategies like this, but personalized to YOU? Set up your free consult and let’s talk about your unique situation and how coaching can help: https://getcoached.jennyhobbsmd.com/consult _________
Everything on this podcast and website is for informational purposes only and should not be used as medical advice. Views are our own, and do not necessarily represent those of our past or present employers or colleagues.
Speaker 1:
Welcome to Rethink your Rules with Jenny Hobbs MD. A fresh perspective on relationships, success and happiness for high achieving moms.
Speaker 2:
Hey, there it's, jenny. Welcome back to another episode of Rethink your Rules. This week I am going to be re-sharing an episode that I did a little over a year ago about whether it's better to be unique or normal, and this was part of my Lessons from my Kids series, and I explored a conversation that I had with one of my kids that really made me think and opened my eyes to a different way of looking at things. This is an episode that a lot of people have downloaded. It's one of our more popular episodes and a lot of people have mentioned it to me when I've chatted with them about the podcast and they've offered me some really interesting thoughts that came up for them as they listened, so I wanted to repost it for those of you that are new.
Speaker 2:
But, more importantly, I was thinking about this conversation a lot a couple weeks ago when I was participating in that neurodiversity continuing medical education conference that I did and I've mentioned that here on the podcast over the last month or so. We kind of did our neuro spicy months talking about ADHD, and then I actually spoke at that CME and got to meet a lot of other neurodiverse individuals while I was doing it and it was such a fun time, really great insights and conversations and I could just tell these were my people and one of the concepts that came up over and over during this conference was the idea of being neurodiversity affirming or neurodivergence affirming. And this is a big topic, but just to give you a brief idea so that you'll kind of see how it relates to this conversation that I'm going to share for you in the repost when you are neurodiversity affirming, you are saying that differently wired brains are not diseased or disabled or disordered or a problem to be solved, and that the goal is not for individuals who think and act differently than the norm to be conformed back to being like everyone else right? So we don't want to treat someone's different brain wiring as a problem to be solved, but rather we want to recognize that it is a naturally occurring phenomenon, that there are going to be brains that are wired differently there always have been, there always will be and some will be pretty far outside the quote-unquote typical expectations that we would have and that those differences are actually important and useful and provide a set of strengths and a different perspective and a variety to the population. That's actually really important and that's part of why.
Speaker 2:
You know, if you think about it from an evolutionary point of view, the argument is that's why there have always been people who are wired a little differently and people who kind of don't fit in, and that they actually serve a really important purpose and that's why they continue to be present in the population at some degree, to some degree, and there's also probably a reason that people like that are not the majority of the population, right? So because there are strengths and weaknesses to being wired this way, it's just a different set of strengths and weaknesses than maybe your average or quote-unquote neurotypical person. So neurodiversity affirming perspective says okay, like this isn't a problem or a disease or disorder, even though it looks kind of like weird or disordered or neurotypical person. So neurodiversity affirming perspective says okay, like this isn't a problem or a disease or disorder, even though it looks kind of like weird or disordered or problematic from a typical perspective, which is the main voice or perspective that we see in the world, because it's the most common, right. So these people who are neurodiverse are going to have unique strengths and weaknesses. That's not a problem. It's just that they're different, right, and that those strengths and weaknesses mean that they may be less able to function successfully in a modern environment, for whatever reason, right. So if a school environment or a capitalist work environment may not be a good fit for an autistic brain or an ADHD brain, that doesn't necessarily mean that their brain is broken or a problem, but it might mean that the unique way their brain operates is not well suited for that current environment and that they're not as easily able to adapt to it or mask their true wiring in order to fit into that environment as the next person. Therefore, that may be the best way to help these people be successful is not to sort of punish them or push them or try to force them into things that make life easier for the rest of us, but rather taking a step back to try to understand how they may be differently wired and how that may actually be a good thing, good for everyone, and bring strengths, and may mean that they may need some support to handle the unique challenges that come with that wiring right. So a completely different perspective.
Speaker 2:
And as we were talking about this, I just kept being reminded of this conversation that I had with my kid that I'm about to replay for you here because it was so obvious from this very short interaction that my kid's belief system was that being unique and different was inherently better than being the normal, standard, typical way, that it was actually more valuable to be different. And I remember that it was so shocking to me because up until that point in my life I had always believed, without questioning or even articulating it to myself really, that the goal was to fit in and be normal and be, you know, like everyone else. And ever since then I've spent a lot of time kind of pondering this belief system of mine that I uncovered about it's better to be normal and act like everyone else and kind of just pondering gosh, where did that come from? Why do I hold to it so strongly, without even questioning it? Do? I want to try to loosen my grip on that belief and try to be more open-minded to my kids' perspective.
Speaker 2:
And it kind of all came together for me at this conference because, remember, when we're talking about neurodiversity, affirming perspectives, we are really holding them up as a counterpoint to the traditional mindset that these differences are diseases, disabilities, problems to be solved, and that the goal is to treat these individuals so that they can behave in a more neurotypical, standard, normal way, right. And so I noticed that the belief system that I realized I had been holding so strongly is a belief system that was given to me by the prevailing model of the time that I was being raised, right. So in the in the 80s, 90s, 2000s the first 30 years of my life the prevailing mindset around all these differences was that they were disorders and disabilities and problems to be solved, and the concepts you know in psychiatry and psychology and medicine was that the goal was to treat these individuals so that they would behave and act more like the normal neurotypical standard. That was just the implied goal everywhere, right? So that's all I knew.
Speaker 2:
And as a girl with undiagnosed ADHD and red hair and all kinds of other differences, right, I really did not fit the normal in any sense and I was probably given a lot of implicit and explicit messages that I should be more normal and I should. It would be better if I can figure that out, right? So of course I internalized that and held it very strongly and, for whatever reason, this is not the case for my kid, right? They seem to have this very genuine natural perspective that is neurodiversity affirming and positive about being different, and I honestly don't know. Is that because they were born seeing this differently than me? Perhaps because they have both ADHD and autism and I just have ADHD, so maybe that autistic side of them is more okay with being different and looking at this issue differently? Or is it just a reflection in the shifts in society you know from when I was being raised until now, and so they're actually getting more positive neurodiversity, affirming messages from their educators and other people in their lives, which would be amazing? Or maybe they were just so young at the time we had this conversation that they hadn't yet experienced all those negative messages that society has to offer about being different. And, you know, maybe they won't be able to hold onto this belief system in the face of that over time and maybe it'll change, but I really hope it doesn't. The thought kind of breaks my heart, because this type of unique, wise perspective is exactly what I love about people who are nerdiverse and what I love about raising nerdiverse kids. They always make you think and there's so much truth there if you are willing to listen. So, with that, take a listen and I hope that this gives you something to think about, just as it did for me. Hey, there it's Jenny.
Speaker 2:
Welcome back to Rethink your Rules. Today I'm going to share with you a rule that I rethought after an interaction with my son that I thought was really interesting and I'm super excited to do more content like this. I'll maybe try to think of some kind of catchy subtitle or way to label these on the podcast so you can see, but I kind of want to share some examples of things my kids taught me, or things that I've learned life lessons that I've learned from the experience of parenting my kids. As I've mentioned, my kids are no diverse. They're very smart, they're very independent. They are not always easy kids to raise. However, they also make me think every day. They've made me such a better person, a better doctor. They've shown me a roadmap to loving myself more and having compassion for other people more. And you know I I don't.
Speaker 2:
I like the fact that I'm candid and vulnerable and open about the challenges of being a parent and, at the same time, there's so much wisdom that comes from those experiences, even when they're challenging, and I want to be sure to be sharing those with you, and sharing with appreciation and love for my kids and what uniquely amazing humans they are, and I want to, you know, bring some of those positive examples to light as well. I also think for many of you who do have kids, these examples can be a really powerful way for you to see the concepts that I'm sharing in action. And you know, we know that, as humans, these stories and analogies are the best way to learn things. So I think that can be really helpful. And, you know, if you're here with me and you're not a parent, I also want you to be able to have these examples, because there's some of these lessons that, to be honest, I don't know that I would have ever fully learned or understood if I hadn't gone through the experience of becoming a parent. Honest, I don't know that I would have ever fully learned or understood if I hadn't gone through the experience of becoming a parent. But I do think that by me sharing them, maybe even if you don't choose that as your path in life, you can still use it as a lesson that you may be able to apply right, and they give you a little bit of an insight into something that you would not otherwise experience. So, anyway, hopefully we'll be doing more of these things, and sometimes it's going to be things that my kids say to me and directly and make me rethink, and sometimes it's going to be something that I learned through learning a parenting strategy right, or something that my husband and I sort of discovered along the way. So, anyway, this one today I want to talk about is an experience where my son actually said something to me that really made me rethink a core, like a core hidden thought that I'd had like my whole life.
Speaker 2:
So, as I think I've mentioned, we have two dogs. We got them a few months apart, which wasn't the plan. They were both puppies. It was quite crazy. But the first one we got was a mixed rescue dog. So she came up from Texas and, um, you know, she was sold as like a boxer mix on the website. She's very cute. Um, we ended up getting her DNA tested. There's like almost no boxer. There's 20 other breeds, though, um, quite the mix of things are in her. There's 20 other breeds, though quite the mix of things, and so she is very much a, you know, a mutt or whatever you want to call it.
Speaker 2:
And we did have to pay for her because there's some expenses associated with rescuing and there were so few dogs at that time. It was, you know, during the pandemic, when it was very hard to get dogs, especially up here in the Pacific Northwest. So even getting a rescue dog costs a little bit of money. So we got her, she came. She's great. She's a little crazy, let me think about it. She's a wonderful dog and she's a lot of work, but so anyway, we have her.
Speaker 2:
Her name's Bella, and then we had been on a wait list for a purebred Boston Terrier, which is the types of dogs we've had in the past. We know we really liked that breed and so, as it just turned out, that wait list ended right after we got the rescue dog and so we suddenly had two puppies. And the second puppy was a purebred Boston Terrier, which cost us, as you can imagine, a lot more money and it was a lot more difficult to get him, and his name is Oreo. So we now have two dogs, bella and Oreo, and my son is very obsessed with dogs, and my son, as I think I mentioned, has diagnosis of both autism spectrum disorder and ADHD.
Speaker 2:
So he sees the world a little bit differently than other people, and we were talking one day about our dogs, the two dogs and he was talking about how much he loved them and how wonderful they are. And he said, mom, you know, bella is a lot more valuable than Oreo, right? Like she's probably a lot more expensive. And I said, actually, no, it's kind of the opposite. You know, bella was a rescue dog and she's not a purebred, so you know she's kind of less valuable or expensive. You know, bella was a rescue dog and she's not a purebred, so you know she's, she's kind of less valuable or expensive, you know.
Speaker 2:
And I was trying to be careful not to say that she wasn't as valuable in a larger sense, but he was sort of thinking about costs and money and he said, well, that's strange, because Bella is a lot more unique. I said what he's like? Well, there's no other dog with that exact mix of those 20 breeds and that exact amount. You know, she's very rare. And Oreo is, like, bred, just like all the other Boston Terriers, right?
Speaker 2:
And I thought for a minute and I thought you know he's not wrong, like that is an interesting way to look at it, right, without knowing the context of society, thinking that you know there's a breed standard and that you know purebred dogs are, you know, better aligned with that idealized standard. Right, if you don't know all that context, you would think you know, maybe she's more unique and therefore more rare and therefore more valuable. Right, that's in Turley's mind, my son's mind, without any context of those things. That was just what he would have thought, right, and it really made me notice how, as a society, we've sort of all agreed on this idea that, like being aligning to a certain idealized standard, being, you know, accepted or perfect, or looking a certain way right, we have all these ideas of conformity being better, and or it's either the idea of conformity or this like idealized, perfect standard, right In either case, like we are often thinking, we need to fit that.
Speaker 2:
And I noticed that what it really brought up for me was a lot of awareness of my own insecurities, about being different. So, if you haven't seen me, I have red curly hair. Me, I have red curly hair. I was always different.
Speaker 2:
As a kid, I not only did I have the red curly hair, I was, you know, short, I was overweight, I was very pale skinned, I had, you know, freckles and glasses and, um, this is really like terrible haircut and my parents didn't really know about fashion or style or anything cool and I just like, like I always was sticking out in a bad way is how I felt, and I felt like, um, all I wanted, you know, was to be like normal and beautiful and like fit into this cultural ideal of of beauty, right. And also I was like smart, but like smart in this like way that stood out, right. So I was able to read, you know, full chapter books well before I started kindergarten. So they would like single me out to like be the smart kid often, right. So that was again another form of separation, which I'm sure they saw as a positive and it kind of was, but it also was like I felt again I alienated or different from everyone else. My parents even had, I remember, this like church songs tape that they would play on trips and it was like this kid's choir from church and there was literally a line in there that said you could be short, fat, red-haired and freckled-faced, it doesn't matter, god loves you anyway, which is terrible if I think about it now, but I still remember thinking I was like, wait, that's me. And so are they saying that, like you know, only God can love me because I'm so different and so, you know, not perfect and not in this conformed, ideal, standard, right, and that literally stuck with me my entire life, like even now.
Speaker 2:
I have a very hard time whenever I feel like I'm different and, as you can imagine, I've now discovered I have ADHD and um, this, all this neurodiversity, all these things I thought I was just not able to do as well as everyone else, or I couldn't fit in with everyone else, or I, you know I was failing at that. I thought those were personality flaws, and now I'm like no, I was just wired differently and and so it's like I want to accept myself for being wired differently and being true to that. And there's this part of me that is like but I don't want to be different. I've never wanted to be different. Different is bad. That's what I've always thought, right, and it's very, very deep and core to me.
Speaker 2:
And so it was really interesting to see my son coming at this from a completely different angle, without all of that baggage that I had, and to ask myself like, is that even true? Like, do I even still want to believe that? Do I want to learn to be more like Charlie and embrace how I'm different? And you know he's, he does this in so many ways. He, he actively looks for things that are different and unique, and actually my husband tends to be more of this way as well. Um, and I've had other friends who've who've uniformly sort of valued things that are unique and rare and different. And obviously, as a person with bright red hair, you know, often the, you know, like the guys who are interested in dating me or whatever like they're, they typically tend to be people who are interested in things that are different, right, because that's kind of part of being this. What does my friend call it? Genetic unicorn that I am.
Speaker 2:
But anyway, I just I really wanted to share that with you, because I hear all the time from women who feel like you know, they can't keep up with this person they see on Facebook, or this other mom who seems to have it all together and they're the only one. Or I hear from people who are neurodiverse and they're just crying and struggling with, like, accepting themselves as being different. And I hear from you know, I see it happen with kids, right, of course, kids are so cruel to kids that people that are different, and I think it's really easy, if we're not intentional about it, that we can slip into this automatic belief or this rule that, like, that's a problem and that we need to, we need to conform, we need to be the same and, of course, it comes from a good place, right? If you think of our primitive brain. Our primitive brain is, you know, still has this vestige of being, um, you know, in a tribe of people who had to stick together in community in order to survive, right, like not being eaten by a I don't know whatever tiger, whatever. I always say that I don't even know what animals were around that were threatening humans back in the prehistoric times, but you know what I mean. So your brain is kind of like remembering wait, if the crowd, if I don't fit in, if I don't align with this community, I might die On some primitive level.
Speaker 2:
That can be. How bad it can feel, it can feel that terrible, and so we have to be aware of that and then just ask ourselves, like, maybe we want to be a little bit more like Charlie, maybe we want to reframe it as, like this is great, I'm unique, I'm valuable, I have something to offer. My purpose is to be different, like I am, maybe, like for me, I kind of like have worked on this with myself, like I was clearly born to be different, right? I mean there's no, it's not accidental that I look the way I look and I have all these things that are unique and maybe I'm muffling and holding back from, like, my zone of true genius because I'm trying to fit in and be something I've. I was never meant to be right, and if I can practice sitting in that discomfort and trying on a new you know, rethinking my rule about that and adopting Charlie's rule about that, you know what could I possibly accomplish and it's a daily practice for me. But anyway, I'm going to keep it short. I always say I'm going to do that, but I actually did it today, so I'm pretty proud of myself.
Speaker 2:
I would love to hear first of all from you if you resonate with this. If you feel different, if you feel alone, if you feel like you're, you know you want to fit in and you don't know why. If you wonder if gosh, like I, never feel like I fit in. Am I neurodiverse? Do I have ADHD? This is my jam. I am here for you. I promise you're not alone.
Speaker 2:
The women I work with are too much moms. Part of being a too much mom is being misunderstood, and we can reframe that, we can own it. We can decide that being too much is not a problem. It's a wonderful thing. We can be like Charlie, and if you're parenting neurodiverse kids and you're feeling like oh my gosh, like I don't know what to do with these guys, also reach out Like this is my jam, like we can commiserate on how challenging it is and we can enjoy these beautiful moments of connection with them and we can learn from their unique perspectives that they bring us. Like I'm so grateful that I have this kid, even though he challenges me every day, because he also teaches me every day, and there's a beauty to that too. So I hope you have a beautiful week.
Speaker 2:
Please be sure to subscribe if you haven't already. Shoot this to a friend who needs to hear that she's unique and wonderful. I am really trying to grow this podcast and get it out to more people. I just relaunched it onto a different platform where it can be easier to view on places like Spotify. It's going to be much easier for me to reach you with this.
Speaker 2:
So please, please, spread the word. Help someone. It's free. Why not brighten someone's day with free content? And if you want to take it to the next level. Of course I'm here. Oh, and I should mention please, please, please, leave a review. I know it's kind of hard to get in there and clunky, but if you could leave me a five-star rating and review, that really, really helps. The algorithm, like, just like social media, there's an algorithm with podcasts, so nobody's going to see this stuff if we don't put in the review. So you know, don't say something, that's not true. But if this is having even a small impact on you, that is an easy, simple way to help other people and doesn't take more than 30 seconds help other people and doesn't take more than 30 seconds. So, with that, have a wonderful week and I'll be back next time.
Speaker 1:
Thanks for listening to Rethink your Rules with Jenny Hobbs MD. Would you like to learn more about how to apply this to your own life through personalized coaching with Jenny? Visit us on the web at JennyHobbsMDcom to schedule a free consultation. If you found value in what you heard today, please consider subscribing to the podcast and giving us a five-star rating so we can reach even more women like you.