The Truth About Five Love Languages

Have you ever felt like your partner doesn’t love you, despite their best efforts to show it? As a relationship coach and counselor, I often encounter couples who face this very issue. In today's episode, we'll delve into Gary Chapman's five love languages to uncover why this happens and how you can bridge the gap. 

We’ll explore what these love languages are, how they manifest, and practical ways to use them to enhance your relationship. By the end, you'll have a deeper understanding of how to communicate love in a way that truly resonates with your partner.

In this episode: 

• Overview of the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
• Detailed explanation of each love language 
• Common misconceptions about love languages
• Practical tips for identifying your and your partner’s love languages
• Strategies for effectively using love languages to improve your relationship
• Addressing challenges and pitfalls in applying love languages
• Real-life examples from couples
• Tools to help you and your partner connect better

Resources:

⁠⁠Juggling All the Things Workbook⁠⁠

⁠Rebuild Program⁠⁠

Couples Goal Setting Workbook

Complimentary Relationship Assessment

Follow Katie Rössler on Instagram

Check out the podcast website

Transcript

Whether you like them or not, the five love languages have been impacting relationships for over 20 years. So it's time for us to learn a little bit more about each of the love languages and some of the important details we tend to overlook when we're learning about them.

Welcome to the Balance Code Podcast, a place for high achievers to step outside the hamster wheel of day to day life and start learning tools for more balance. I'm your host, Katie Ressler, and I will be guiding you on this journey of discovering your balance code.

Welcome back to the podcast. Okay. So as a relationship coach and counselor, one of the things I pull out of my tool belt when I'm working with a couple is better understanding their love languages. Why? Because often I hear them talking about, I don't feel loved anymore by my partner. and then the partner will go, uh, well, but I do all these things, or I do this for you, or I say these things.

And the partner's like, but that's not how I receive love. So they're already having a conversation about love languages without even real it. So they're already having a conversation [00:01:00] about love languages without even realizing it. So let's first get into the five love languages by Gary Chapman. So Gary, what, So let's first get into what the five love languages are and some things you need to know about using them, okay?

So Gary Chapman came up with these five love languages as a therapist who'd been working with couples for a long period of time and he noticed trends in what people said, this is how I receive love. And then he noticed trends and how people were trying to show love, and he grouped them into these five categories, okay?

So the first one is gift giving. And, what's interesting about gift giving is we often think it's about the stuff, but it isn't. The gift is actually the fact that you stopped, you thought about the person, and you made sure to find something that was special for them. So you could even go pick a flower, or create a gift.

That would be giving a gift. For those who have this as their love language, they light up when you give them something. When they have to slowly unpack the gift or [00:02:00] receive something from you, they just like get so excited. So that, that's gift giving. And if gift giving is not your love language, it's going to seem superfluous.

It's going to seem like a bunch of junk and like, More stuff, right? So clearly that's not your love language. If that's how you feel. Okay. The second one is quality time. And by quality time, I don't mean again, quantity time, like how much time we spend together, but the quality of it. The second one is quality time.

Now quality time is when we actually have good time together. Now it's debatable. Can you just binge watch Netflix together? And that feels like quality time. I tend to say no, unless you are a couple who can stop and have conversations during what you're watching. Like, oh, what did you think about that?

Oh my god, that reminds me of a time of this. If you hate doing that, then that won't work. But for me, quality time is going and having a picnic. going for a walk together, having a special dinner. It is really spending quality time where you open the door for communication or not, where you can sit and read together.

[00:03:00] But I find watching something together tends to be more of a distraction than a form of connection. And some would say, but I really love that. And I love when we're cuddling. And I'd say, well, then your love language is probably physical touch, which we'll get into in a moment. So with quality time, you're going to hear this person say, well, I really just want to have a nice dinner with you.

I really just want to, you know, spend a little more time with you. that person has Quality time is their love language. Now, third, physical touch. Do you have that person in your life who constantly needs to, like, touch you in some way, whether it's, like, reach out their hand and rub on your back, or elbow to elbow, or maybe they kind of on the couch reach out and put their foot on you?

We all have someone in our life we can say, yeah, I know someone like that. That's physical touch. I have three kids. Two of them, physical touch is absolutely their love language. There's constantly a hand touching my shoulder or playing with my hair or a foot on me and I'm like, okay kids, now I already know how to show you love.

What's [00:04:00] important to you? Physical touch is a hug. It's a caress. It's holding hands. It is taking the time to just, you know,  it's taking the time to physically show the person matters. Giving them a hug and holding them for that hug for a period of time, not just a hug and go. Really giving them a kiss. and often with physical touch, especially in a relationship, we tend to think it's about sex, but it's not.

It's all the other ways that we can physically touch that feel like safe and calming and relaxed and comforting. So that's what physical touches. And if you're like, I'm not really a touchy feely person, the physical touch is not your love language, or at least not high up there for sure. The next one is acts of service and acts of service is a really powerful one because I believe that as a couple there'll be different seasons in our lives where this one might become stronger whereas other seasons it may not. So you might go, wow, when I was younger in the relationship, it was all about physical touch and quality time.

And now that we've [00:05:00] got kids, acts of service is like. Thank you so much. Uh, in the couple's world, we like to joke that it's called chore play, right? Like you do some chores and all of a sudden it's like, Hey, you look good today. So it's when we take something off someone's to do list without them asking, maybe they do ask, but it's, you know, it's not like, Oh yeah, I got this.

And I'm going to do two more things off your to do list. That person feels valued and loved when you make their lives. easier when you simplify things by taking care of stuff that they already have to do on a regular basis. And again, it can be considered chore play. So highly recommend adding that to your repertoire.

If your partner's love language is acts of service, gift giving physical, Quality time.  The last one is words of affirmation and words of affirmation is not just, I love you. You're beautiful. Words of affirmation are things like, you're really amazing. I was so impressed with how you took care of this every day. I'm just so grateful you're in my life. You, you matter so much.

And I just want to make sure [00:06:00] you know that today. It can be through written word. It can be through calling and talking. It can be through a voicemail. It can be through copying the lyrics of a song that you really like. And it goes, wow, this really speaks to who my partner is. If words of affirmation is not your love language, you probably are thinking like, you know, words don't have a lot of meaning, action does, right, or doing something else does, physical touch does.

But for this person, words have a lot of meaning, and it can be really painful when you say things that are hurtful, more than to somebody who doesn't have this as their love language.

So now that we know the five love languages, and I'm sure you're going like, yep, that one's mine. Yep. That's my partners. Here's the problem we've run into. And I see this on repeat with couples and I have this happen in my relationship too. It is actually the telltale sign.

So now that we know the five level, so now that we know the five love languages, let's get into one of the major problems people have using this. Now, I see this with the couples I work with and I experience this in my own relationship because it's actually 100 percent normal. And what I'm about to teach you is going to be the like, Hey, you know, warning signs, warning signs that we need to do something differently.

We believe that [00:07:00] our love language is how we show it to other people. Well, you know, my love language is physical touch, so I just hug everybody, or I hold hands. No, your love language is how you want to receive love. You make the mistake by giving it out to other people that way too with the assumption they will experience the same level of love feeling as you do because you're showing it that way.

But that's not true. If my love language is physical touch and it is not my partner's, then every time I give him a hug, he's not going to be like, wow, I feel loved. He's gonna be like, okay, thank you. Nice. It's not going to be like, Oh, she loves me. I am giving my love language out, expecting other people to receive it the same way.

And that's not how it works. It is my job to learn about my partner to better understand what his love language is so that I can give [00:08:00] him his love language. It is being thoughtful and mindful of, Hey, my partner is having a really rough week. What are things I can do to help him feel loved? But often couples get into this mindset that, well, it's my love language, so that's how they should receive it.

You should know because it's my, you know, I give hugs to show love that you're getting love in that moment. No, that's about you. That is very ego driven. So it's important that you take the time to learn about your partner's love language. Now there's a great test Chapman's website. But one of the things I want you to think about is just because it's not something you say, Hey, this is how I receive love.

It does not mean it's not how your partner receives it. If your partner's love language is words of affirmation and you're like, words are pointless. Show me, put it in action. But for them, it is like, ah, [00:09:00] everything. It will be challenging for you to push past yourself and to start to show them their love language through words of affirmation.

You're so amazing today. Thank you so much for what you're doing. I'm really grateful you're in my life. You know, I'm really impressed by the things that you're able to accomplish, right? You're saying all these things might go like, God, it just feels like hot air, but your partner is going to light up with a feeling of, I feel so loved.

By my partner in this moment. And then what happens is if they're attuned to it, they start to show you you're lovely and they start to do those acts of service. They start to do those, the physical touch, giving you more hugs or the gift gift, whatever it, yours is right. More quality time because their cup of love is filled.

Now, chicken, egg, who goes first? I tend to say, who cares? How about we all just jump in at the same time, right? Why not start to show each other love, how we will receive it. [00:10:00] Now here's your warning sign. If you find yourself getting into the pattern where you start to give love the way you want to receive it, right?

Like if I start to do words of affirmation to my partner, that is my warning sign. I don't feel like I'm receiving love right now. So two things need to happen. One, I need to communicate that to my partner and say, Hey, I'm not really feeling like I'm receiving love from you. Um, And I know that's not how you intend.

So help me sort of, you know, help me see it more, maybe point it out to me when you're doing something. And that's a good sign for them to like, man, am I starting to give it the way I want to receive it versus how my partner wants to. And the second is sometimes we're not even paying attention anymore.

To our partner, showing us love, even when it's our love language and we really enjoy it. Let's say, let's say mine is physical touch and my, my husband keeps hugging me, but it's sometimes you would think like, Oh, well, if you do it too often, then it wears out. Actually, what happens if we're so [00:11:00] stressed, if we're in a life challenge, if we're in grief or in or in situ, if we're in burnout, if we're in different situations, then it's harder for us to receive the love.

If anything, we need a little bit more. And in a variety of ways, we tend to have two love languages that are prominent and strong. So that's an important sign of like, Hey, I don't feel like I'm receiving love. Let me start being more mindful and paying attention of me and my partner's interactions. Maybe what I might be doing to push them away, or to not even be mindful in the moment to soak up when they do show me love in the way I receive it.

Cause my mind is over here thinking about other things and I still have that resentment towards them and holding this fringe and I have all these things. And so I can't even receive it when they give it. So that warning sign of, hey, I'm starting to give out love to them the way I want to receive it, or I don't feel loved.

I don't feel like they're showing me love. These are chances for the [00:12:00] two of you to have a great conversation, not an attacking, you're failing, you're not doing enough, but hey, I don't feel loved in our relationship. And I'm wondering if I'm pushing it away. I'm wondering if it's because I'm so stressed lately.

I'm wondering if it's because we both fell out of practice of giving it the, the way that we need to receive it versus, versus the way we want to receive it. And maybe that's something we can work on this week or, you know, today or tomorrow just to get back in the hang of showing each other love the way we want to receive it.

And some great conversations come from that because there might be grudges and resentment that needs to be uncovered and discussed that weren't before. There might be, pieces of the puzzle that you were not aware of that your partner's going through or vice versa that you finally get to talk about because you framed it as, Hey, I want to make sure you're receiving love because I don't feel like I'm receiving it.

So I'm guessing we're not giving it or maybe we're in just different head spaces or [00:13:00] emotionally and challenging places where we can't. So what can we do to support each other? So the five love languages are, it's a wonderful framework. You know, a lot of people don't like personality tests and even the love languages.

They think it's all like pop psychology, but all of these things were created by doing research of studying how people communicate. What are they talking about? What are they saying? So recognize that there's some value to it. Use it the way you want to, But the biggest tool I think is stop giving love the way you want to receive it and expecting your partner to receive it back.

That's like, that is a recipe for failure. That is making sure your, your partner always feels hurt. Cause it's always about you. That is absolutely a recipe for your partner to feel like, wow, he's a bit, or she's a bit of a narcissist when you only do it for the way you want to receive love. It is important that we think outside of ourselves and say, how can I show my partner love [00:14:00] today?

And you know, a challenge is one to two times a day, do something in the love language for your partner, right? Like go and give them that extra hug and hold it a little bit longer. Say those special words, do that thing off their to do list, give them a special gift, plan some quality time. And you're going to see that as soon as you start to do it.

And good communication happens. You'll see the reciprocal nature of it. And that cycle of showing connection and love be really, really powerful.

So go check out the vibe leveling, which is a little bit further online. Listen to this episode again with your partner and start having those windows and start having those really wonderful conversations that will help you feel more love in your relationship. And dear listener, here's to finding our balance code.

Thank you for listening to today's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Take a moment to leave a rating and a review on your favorite podcast platform. That helps other listeners just like you to find this podcast too. Want to connect and learn how we can work together? Check out the links in the show notes [00:15:00] below.

Discovering your balance code doesn't have to be a one person journey. You can have a team and I'd love to support you. So here's to finding our balance code 

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