How to Stop Parenting Your Partner with Karina Daves

Are you parenting your partner without even realizing it?

In this insightful episode of the Balance Code Podcast, along with relationship expert Karina F. Daves, I delve into a common but often unspoken issue: parenting your partner. 

Karina is a relationship expert (shared by Beyonce’s mom) who teaches women how to enjoy more satisfying partnerships. As a relationship coach, Karina leverages her experience as a former social worker and adjunct professor of women’s studies to teach women how to strategically evaluate their personal identity, values, and standards so that they can elevate their relationships and themselves.

Whether you’re the one unconsciously taking on the role of a parent or your partner is, this conversation is packed with insights and practical advice to help you break the cycle and build a more balanced, respectful relationship.

In this episode:

• Explore the dynamics of parenting your partner in a relationship.
• Understand how hyper-independence can lead to controlling behavior.
• Learn about the impact of trust and the lack thereof on relationship dynamics.
• Identify the roots of nagging and how it affects both partners.
• Discover methods to break the cycle of parenting your partner.
• Recognize the importance of letting your partner fumble to build trust and independence.
• The need for flexibility and grace in relationships.
• Gain insights on handling personal anxiety and the false sense of urgency.
• Strategies for initiating constructive conversations about changing dynamics.
• Understand the significance of talking positively about your partner with others.

Resources:

Couples Goal Setting Workbook
⁠Rebuild Program

Connect with Karina:

Find her on Instagram

Listen to her Podcast

Couples Goal Setting Workbook

Complimentary Relationship Assessment

Follow Katie Rössler on Instagram

Check out the podcast website

Transcript

Welcome back to the podcast. Oh gosh, dear listener. We're going to be talking about a heavy topic that either is going to hit right at you and go, Ooh, I do that. Or you're going to be like, I know somebody who does that. And that bothers me. So today I've got Karina Daves and we're going to be talking about How to stop parenting your partner, 

 Welcome to the Balance Code Podcast, a place for high achievers to step outside the hamster wheel of day to day life and learn tools to create more balance and connection. My name is Katie Russler. I support goal driven couples and individuals who are ready to get off the one way train to burnout and start to enjoy life to the fullest.

Oh, and by the way, I'm an American living in Germany, mom of three and married to a fellow entrepreneur. Discovering our balance code has been a game changer in making our life goals a reality. So let's go on the journey to uncover your balance code, so you can develop the life you desire to have [00:01:00] too.

Welcome to the Balance Code Podcast, a place for high achievers to step outside the hamster wheel of day to day life and start learning tools for more balance. I'm your host, Katie Ressler, and I will be guiding you on this journey of discovering your balance code.

Welcome to the Balance Code Podcast, a place for high achievers to step outside the hamster wheel of day to day life and start learning tools for more balance. I'm your host, Katie Ressler, and I will be guiding you on this journey of discovering your balance code.

Karina, welcome to the balance code podcast.

I have a feeling this is going to be a great episode. Me too. Katie, thank you for having me and amigos. My name is Karina F. Daves. I am a relationship expert, a speaker and the podcast host of relationships. You understand, and I help you overcome the number one conflict in your relationship so that you can have your life back and some peace as well.

Yes. I love that. Yeah, no. Where are you located? I know you're you're state based. Where are you located? So I am in dirty Jersey. That's where I'm at. For those of you don't understand, just look it up. It's just the dynamic that you can never explain, but it's real dirty Jersey. Excellent. Karina, let's dive into how does this dynamic happen where partners start parenting each other?

How does that occur? So I think it [00:02:00] really starts in many different forms. I've seen it with my clients that you have, um, my, uh, my female clients that are super independent before they even get a partner. Right. And so they've had this journey where like they have been their own private problem solvers.

They've never really had a lot of support. And so their way is the right way and their way is quicker and not in the Everybody else sucks, but more so that that is just the habit that they've created. And so even though there is such a deep desire to want to be with their lifetime partner, there still is this programming inside of them that they fix everything.

And then that Fix turns into control or somehow I call it. Your caring turns into control because you love this person a lot, but then it just becomes controlling and parenting. And then I would say there's the other part where there is a very big sense of trust, so it's a lack of trust, excuse me. So it's not so much that you're programmed that way,  but so much that you don't have a lot of trust in your, or confidence in your particular partner.

And so. You don't allow the ball to ever drop and you don't realize that because you don't allow the ball to drop, your partner will never actually pick up on any of the habits that you wish that they did have. And I know we'll get into this later, but those are the two types of, people that I've seen how they become people who parent their partners.

I love that you pointed out, like, it's that kind of hyper independence. I can do it. Fine, I'll do it. Oh, you need it to be fixed? I can do it. And then that starts to turn into the The parenting and so let's bring it in the nagging. What, how does that get formulated into all of this? This, this is, this is what, when I work with couples, I was like, it's, but it's the nagging.

It's like the, you know, it's just nagging me. And I'm like, the nagging, where do you see that coming from? I see it in two aspects. So [00:04:00] one partner, the one that's getting that feels like they're being nagged at. It feels like you don't trust me. Feels like, why are you reminding me? And the partner that is nagging is like, I'm just checking.

I'm on my mental to do list. Like, I don't mean it. Necessarily to nag you this is just something that's on my mind and until it's completed. I'm just going to keep asking about it whereas What i've worked with a lot of my clients on is like how can you? Come off or how can you communicate in a way that seems more like you're partnering about this together?

rather than like i'm holding on to this very thing and I'm the parent in the relationship. Like we're no longer a team, but more so like I'm checking up on you as like, this is your to do list and I gave you something to do and you haven't done it yet. Yeah. Yeah. I find when the nagging starts to happen, ultimately the crossed arms occur and the pissed off teenager comes into the room and you're just like, Oh God, it's like adding to the dynamic, but it's so ingrained in us.

this pattern, right? As soon  as we feel this nagging or this, this fixing or things like that, the other partner retreats into like a very younger way of acting and mindset. And then it just feeds the cycle. What are ways you help people break this cycle? Like, how do we really stop parenting our partner, especially if.

The dynamic is so ingrained in us as a couple, say we've been together, seven, 10, 15, 20 years. And it's like, well, how do we stop that? It's like, just how we are. Sure. So I have a couple of ways. One is that I like for my clients to take accountability for their part. And where I've seen a lot of my clients, really start to have a sense of, clarity is that they've created a very much false sense of urgency.

So getting back to your question before is that nagging is sometimes, and most of the time rooted in creating this false sense of urgency. Like this has to happen right now because you're going through the Rolodex of items in your mind of what needs to get done. [00:06:00] And so once you can sort of. Divorce yourself from that false sense of urgency and understand that like, this is just something we have to do.

And it may not be something that has to happen right now. And I get it. There probably are things that have to happen right now, but not everything does. Then that can sort of really ease our nervous system in a way where we don't show up in that nagging spirit. But perhaps DMV about that one thing?

There's a big difference between That heart posture and the heart pressure of like, did you do it yet? Like they're just two. Yeah. I wish y'all could see Katie's face. There's just two different like ways of asking things. Yeah. Um, so I think one is definitely accountability for the false sense of urgency.

I think two, and I know a lot of my clients hate this, but I need you to start letting the ball fumble. Seriously. Letting the ball fumble will create so much magic in your relationship. It [00:07:00] is unbelievable because when you don't allow your partner to fumble the ball, you are robbing them of the opportunity.

to create the very habits that you want them to have. And if you just keep fixing everything, they'll never really create that. And it really takes a team. And then third, I would say is, what my husband and I always talk about is like having flexibility for. All of it. And the rainy days, like, I think, you know, plenty of us in the last two, three years have really much heard the word grace, having grace, having grace.

And people are like, I'm tired of giving so much grace. And I'm like, all right, well then just be flexible. Okay. Just be a little bit flexible with the plan. So I am a planner and my husband may not have been when we got together and I realized that. The plan was just a way to keep the boat moving, but in the house moving per se, but if somebody woke [00:08:00] up sick or somebody, you know, we forgot something that needed to happen that we didn't get done.

The plan is in place to help support the family moving, but we can still be flexible and it's in that flexibility that you create that grace. Yeah, definitely. So the first point you brought up is very much about your own personal anxiety and that need for the to do list to like get knocked off as fast as possible.

And especially when we can delegate it, right? Like this is yours to do. You should have it done already. And it's like, well, they have their own schedule and things. And I love it. You said like it really coming with, Hey, I just want to check in. Is much more peaceful than like, did you do that thing? Cause when I hear, did you get that done?

I'm like, Oh God, hold on, wait, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And if I asked you Katie, like, Oh Katie, did you get, did you call the DMV? That tone, it opens up for your partner to even apologize and be like, Oh my bad. Like, I'm so sorry. Let me, let me write it down [00:09:00] or get it done now. Like it leaves room for that. Right.

Right. Absolutely. And I love that you brought up in the second point. Our partners can only learn from, I like to call it feeling forward, right? Like from, Oh, I dropped the ball. I made the mistake. I waited till the last minute and then feel that pressure and have to fix it. And for you not to rescue. For you not to, to just be like, ah, I know how that feels, right.

Show them grace in that way, right. Compassion, but not fix it, not go, okay, well, I'll just, it's fine. I'll just do it. Yeah. That's the only way we do learn all of us. Right. And so the more times that the ball drops, the more lessons we learn, the higher chance that in the future we won't follow that pattern.

I don't know if you see that too, but I see with me and my partner that, you know, sometimes it takes one big ball drop and you're like, yeah, next time I'm going to pay attention. Like that wasn't about him trying to nag me about it. That was actually important. That [00:10:00] was something we really needed to get done.

But we, we have to have that feeling because if you've had the trampoline, right, or the safety net always underneath you, you don't think like, well, okay, well, if this doesn't work out and then like, she's got it or he's got it. Like I'm good. Yeah. Thousand percent. And I just want to add one more thing with a quick story, is that also flexibility with the way that your partner does things.

Your partner. And. Is not going to pack the way that you pack. They're not going to talk the way that you talk, but they will get it done. So when I transitioned into my tech job two years ago. I handed over the management of the finances to my husband. So we always did all of our money together and paid our bills together.

But the managing, like who went into click the bills was me to pay the bills was me, excuse me. And I like just did not believe in auto pay. I was very old school. And so my husband [00:11:00] was like, listen, I will take over. I totally understand. Like now you're getting to this position. you need more mental capacity.

If you can just walk me through. you know how to pay all this stuff. Give me a google doc and I will make sure it happens and I'm like, okay, sure so The first month passes by and I remember seeing like emails like payment due soon and i'm like Karina, don't you dare? Don't you dare and I would just I wouldn't say anything right the next month passed by and i'm like, honey How's you know, like there's no like red tape around the house or anything.

I'm like, how's everything going with the bills? he's like It's fine. I've just put everything on autopay. And I'm like, what? And he's like, yeah, I don't know why you didn't think of that before. He's like, you just got to make sure there's enough money in the bank. And I'm like, okay. And I'm like, do you feel good about that?

And he's like, yeah, like, you don't really got to think about anything. You just got to know your overall numbers. And he's like, and then we save a certain percentage and like, I feel good. And he goes, you know what? I'm like, why? He goes, [00:12:00] I called a couple places and I got his discounts because if you're on autopay, you get 10 percent off here.

You get 15 percent off here. And I'm like, you do? And he's like, yeah, it's. I spoke of customer reps and I was like, wow, I, I, uh, that's, I'm really happy that you did that. And I think like that was one of the biggest things that I really let go of. And this is a good story of me describing the way I would handle the bills versus how my husband handled the bills.

But at the end of the day, the bills got paid. 

Hey there. I wanted to take a moment to interrupt this interview to share with you a resource I have for you. Do you find that you and your partner struggle to set goals together? No, I'm not talking about cleaning out the garage or finally filing taxes, but to actually set goals about your relationship.

Well, I have the couple's goal setting workbook just for you and your partner to help you start getting more focused on building your relationship rather than getting the to do list items off of your household tasks. So check down in the show [00:13:00] notes for the couple's goal setting workbook and make sure you take some time out in the coming weeks to use it and start to build a stronger relationship together through setting goals that you're both excited about.

Yeah. And what you just said was I built trust with my spouse to be able to get the job done. It's just going to look different. Like, but the trust is there now that like, Oh, actually I wouldn't have thought to call the places and be like, Hey, like, can we discount here or there?

Like, I would Online Auto pay. Done. Done. Yeah, exactly. But oh, if you talk to them. Okay, everybody go, go call your places and ask . He's such a hustler. Honestly, Katie, he's such a hustler. I'm like, I would've never thought of that. He's like, yeah. It's like everywhere. All over the website. I am like, never read it.

Never would've read. I would've been like, paid. Done next. Hey, done. Yep, but he just was like, I'm going to work smarter, not harder and just showed all of us like, where should I be asking these questions? and then lastly, you brought up [00:14:00] grace or flexibility. And frankly, all of us who use the word grace, we're like, yeah, flexibility is what we've been meaning the whole time.

It is so hard to be flexible and adaptable when we desire to control things. And as high achievers who are overwhelmed, we constantly feel like, uh, right. It's like you're holding the rag doll and shaking it. So give us, we're going to break that down a little bit further. What would be some things you would talk to a spouse?

Seems like I really have a hard time being flexible, like watching the email come through and being like, and not saying anything. What are some things that you could replace that with or help them give them some tools to like calm their nervous system as they learn to be flexible of packing the last minute.

Your partner does it versus the week before, right? Like how do you sit with that? I think it's really asking yourself, like, Why are you inflexible? Like what, where does that come from? [00:15:00] Instead of trying to change your partner or trying to change you, like you can still go nutty inside. Like, I'm not asking you to change your mindset about it.

I'm asking you to first focus on the way that you treat your partner. Because essentially, like you. are going crazy and nutty inside, like, I just want this to happen now and I get you, but I think it's also rooted in asking yourself why, why is this so urgent? Why is this so important?

Like, are you anxious about this is, you know, even going back to like your own story that you know your best about yourself, right? Is this rooted in a situation where you didn't have your hands on something for once and it all went, you know, on fire or down the hill or whatever? And is it rooted in that and are you placing that same exact fear or that same exact sentiment on your partner, which is completely unnecessary.

And I think processing through that in those moments can help rather than blaming it on your partner. Because I think when we [00:16:00] think too much about the partner and their dynamic, especially in these scenarios, it's very quick to blame. And I don't want that for you. So let's say someone's listening right now and they're like, I need to have this conversation with my partner, whether because they're doing it or you're actually finally taking ownership, whichever, how do you have that type of conversation of like, Hey, I want this dynamic to change.

Or is it worth the conversation? You know, like saying, let's not talk about it. Let's just put it into action. What, what advice would you give a couple? I always say that when your partner takes accountability and talks to you about it like out loud, it changes the temperature of the relationship, like an I'm sorry, or you know, my bad, you know, a sincere in that way really changes the The dynamic.

So I would honestly challenge you to have a conversation for comprehension, not a conversation in circles for two, three hours. And you're bringing up things from the [00:17:00] past for like decades. That's not what I'm asking you to have. It's a simple, like, Hey, I've been thinking that perhaps I set up such a false sense of urgency, for things that are really not that urgent and I'm gonna work on it.

I'm gonna work on it because I've realized how much it's impacted us and I need to trust you more and I want to spend the next season of our relationship really building trust within each other because we're adults, you know if we could pay a mortgage and Have children or whatever the cases have these careers like I have to be able to trust you and you have to be able to trust me.

So that's my part. and I really want to work more as a team rather than constantly being the fixer. I know that if I just let things fumble or allow more space for you to be present, then you'll actually be creative. And I'm robbing you of the opportunity to be creative about solutions [00:18:00] for our partnership.

And I'm sorry about that. I want to work as a team. I forgive you Karina. I'm in. I'm all in. Let's do this. You had me. Hello. I've got this. you know, hearing you say that it's so good because often we kind of need a script, right? And maybe you go back listener and listen to this and to go, okay, how can I say this?

But. One thing I want to point out because the point of view you gave was the person who is being, doing the parenting on the spouse. If you've been doing that, you've broken emotional trust with your spouse because they feel like, you know, it's like always an attack. It's always negative. It's always pointing out what I did wrong.

So when you come with that, it's going to be a beautiful gift of healing. Cause it'll be like, whoa, this feels different. So see that, know that you're building that trust around their emotions. And, and, you know, hold that as a sacred thing. Cause it's very easy for us to slide back into [00:19:00] like being as negative as possible instead of like, wow, I see.

I've been hurting you by doing this and you've been hurting me. And it's just this ongoing cycle. And if you're on the opposite end, let's say you're the spouse is being nagged. You might want to be like, Hey, listen to this episode. We should talk about it together later. There's a really great script that Karina gives.

No, but I think coming and going, Hey, I recognize I probably create urgency in your life by not doing things on your timeline, but you know, I have my own timeline. And. I do get things done. So let's work on this. Like that's the way you can do it on the opposite end. There, there are ways to have these conversations.

And I agree with you. It does change the temperature when you talk about it, because you're just, the other person just constantly waiting for the ball to drop instead of, Oh, I know now to expect, cause we've talked about it. This is the ship happening. You know, it also helps Katie one more thing. I think we also, if we're the one that is parenting our spouse, what I also [00:20:00] offer is, I'm not saying that everybody does this, but to also refrain from talking crap about your partner to other people.

I do not entertain those conversations. Like when people are like, yeah, like my husband can barely go grocery shopping and like, doesn't even know, you know, what day this is for the, like, I don't entertain those conversations because what it does is it continues to Jade. perspective and my point of view of my partner.

And if I'm trying to have a better relationship and I'm trying to see them in a better light, I can't do that. So that is for me like a big boundary. Like I just don't talk crap about my partner in, in the negative way. If I have something to say, I go straight to the source. I go to him and I'm like, Hey, listen, I don't like that you did that.

I've always been real about that. Yeah, our words hold so much power and you're right. If you're speaking so negatively, your brain's then processing anything around them in that same light. So I love [00:21:00] that you brought that up. That's a great tip and a good reminder. Karina, people want to connect.

They want to find you. If they want to be like, you know, In your space, listening to what you do, you mentioned podcast, share again, where are you? How can they say chat with you? Okay. So I primarily live on Instagram My handle is Karina F as in Frank Dave's. If you go on Tik TOK, just don't entertain the comments.

Cause they're a little bit spicier on Tik TOK. Um, or you can go to my website, Karina F days. com. If you feel like this is the season of your life where you want to work on resolving the number one conflict in your relationship. So that you can have more peace and get home and be happy and actually enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Then definitely book a call with me so we can talk about everything that's happened, what you tried and how I can help. you can also listen to my podcast at relationships. You understand and all platforms that you listen to your podcast. So that's me. Excellent. I'll make sure all the links are in the show notes so people can connect with you.

And I really appreciate your time and sharing with us. I feel like we like pack this with a [00:22:00] lot of meat for people to chew on. So like, yeah, we're the same person. replay replay, play it again, send it to a friend or two, maybe a family member. And, I know that there's going to be some, some good nuggets of wisdom that come out of this each time you listen to it.

So Karina, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We're so I'm so grateful to have this conversation, but also to help my clients who are listening right now, who I know are working on these issues as well. So thank you on their behalf as well. And dear listener, here's to finding Our balance code. 

 Thank you for listening to today's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Take a moment to leave a rating and a review on your favorite podcast platform. That helps other listeners just like you to find this podcast too. Want to connect and learn how we can work together? Check out the links in the show notes below.

Discovering your balance code doesn't have to be a one person journey. You can have a team and I'd love to support you. So here's to finding our balance [00:23:00] code.