You're going to want to take notes during this episode. So go grab a pen and paper. I can wait.
You're going to want to take notes during this episode because I'm going to be dishing out tools on how to break bad habits. And these are going to be,[00:00:00]
you're going to want to take notes during this episode because I'm going to be dishing out tools on how to break bad habits. You're going to want to come back to this episode. So go grab some paper and pen. I can wait.
Welcome to the Balance Code Podcast, a place for high achievers to step outside the hamster wheel of day to day life and start learning tools for more balance. I'm your host, Katie Ressler, and I will be guiding you on this journey of discovering your balance code.
I got to get water. Vida, give me a second. It's
going in the back of the throat.
Welcome back to the podcast. So, as I shared, we're getting into how do we break bad habits. On this podcast, we're all about creating better balance in our lives and discovering what our unique balance code is. And that often means, Breaking bad habits. Now let's just start with what does it mean to be a bad habit?
And I really think of bad in quotations because really it's the habits that we no longer want to have and we feel like they're detrimental to our growth, right? They're impacting our lives. [00:01:00] They're impacting our relationships. And overall, we're just seeing like, Hey, this is a habit I'd like to shift or change.
These are not habits. Other people tell you, you should stop doing because you're not going to, I don't know about you. I don't like being told what to do. So when somebody is like, You should really stop doing that. I'm usually in the back of my mind going, yeah, that's going to stop, right? Like that's not happening.
Of course, now I'm going to keep doing it. Cause you told me to stop. So these have to be habits that you have said, I don't like. This is a problem. Now, let me give you a little, information about the psychology world. Okay, so as you guys know, I've been a therapist for 15 years and though I don't practice traditional therapy anymore, I am not diagnosing clients anymore.
One of the key things about diagnosing a client is you cannot give a diagnosis unless they say this is impacting my life. I'm having [00:02:00] impact because of anxiety symptoms, depressive symptoms, narcissistic symptoms, whatever it might be. You can't diagnose until the, and the reason they're there in therapy is because something's bothering them, right?
Something's impacting them, but that's the key. So it's just like a bad habit. No one can tell you it's a bad habit. You have to say, This is a habit I don't like. It's a bad habit and I'd like to shift it. So I just want to start with that because often we come to the table with the habits we've been told other people don't like and like, okay, well maybe I should shift this.
And frankly, when I do couples work, often there's one partner that's like, I really wish you'd stop doing this. So the other starts to try to change it for their partner. And that tends to not work out. It's not a stable change. It feels very like only when you really show me love, will I make this change?
And it just, it needs to be because you actually see it's a problem for you and you desire to [00:03:00] change it. Okay. So now that we've got that clear, I want you to think of A habit you have, you don't like that you do something about you, something that, maybe you've been doing for a really long time that you want to change.
And now we're going to look at it from these frameworks of how to start to shift out of that bad habit. Now I'm going to be using the example of me being extremely cluttered, contrary to popular belief. I might seem very organized, but my workspace and even parts of my living space are very cluttered.
Okay. Yes, husband, I have admitted to it. I am a cluttered person. I've always been cluttered. Now, little side note story. My dad, as I grew up as a military kid, my dad rarely, really took time off because he was constantly traveling for work. So he took a day off when I was about 10 or 11 years old, to help me clean my room because it was that bad.
And what's funny about [00:04:00] that story is we never really got to cleaning my room because everything he would pick out, I would give like a long monologue of why we needed to keep that item, why that was essential and important. And we were not allowed to throw it away. So my poor dad, thank you, dad. I know you listened to this and I'm so grateful for your time that you took off, but I'm sorry that it didn't work out very well.
We made maybe a 10 percent in the progress and. If you're picturing like a really messy bathroom, you're probably right on track. Like, I really kept everything. So me being a cluttered person has been there since I was young. Yes, my parents told me to clean my room. Yes, I would get in trouble if I didn't clean my room.
It didn't change it. I associated myself as I grew up, as I am just cluttered, I'm just cluttered. I always will have a cluttered space. And by making statements like that, I right there have shown you that I [00:05:00] have identified as being cluttered. Like that's part of my identity. So if I have the goal of breaking the habit of being cluttered.
I have identity work to do, and I know this about myself. There's no surprise. I have things that I have to work on and removing that identity of being cluttered. If you're a procrastinator, it'd be the same thing, right? I always procrastinate. I've always been a procrastinator. I'm a serial procrastinator.
Whatever way you've identified yourself, whether you were joking about it, or you really meant it subconsciously, you were form, you know, formulating that this identity of I am, I am this. So if I break that habit, then who am I? How am I supposed to be in the world if I am not this? I get logically that sounds extreme and like, and silly, but our brains don't think logically.
Most of the time, right? Subconsciously, there's a [00:06:00] part of us that's like, no, must stick to the habit. This is who I am. This is how I am. This is what I do. Right? You have told me I'm a procrastinator. So therefore, I will procrastinate. I put it off. I'm protecting myself. So it just becomes a cycle. So one of the things you have to do in order to break a bad habit is to explore how have you identified yourself with that habit?
How has it become who you are, how you are, and what you do? And start to kind of, reverse engineer. So like, I want to get to the point where I'm not cluttered. What are the steps that I need to do to do that? One of the things I've had to work on is to feel safe in a non cluttered environment.
And I realize those of you who are like, super organized and do not like clutter. Like what is she talking about? But there's something inside of me that doesn't always feel calm and safe in a clean [00:07:00] environment. I feel like I could do something wrong in a clean environment. I feel like if I touch something wrong, if I move something in the wrong place, like that for me gets me hyper anxious internally.
I may not show it on the outside, but I do. I feel this sense of like, And I don't like that feeling. So if everything's sort of already out and cluttered, then if I add one more thing to it, whatever, like it's not a big deal. So I've had to go, okay, first I have to get more comfortable with. not being cluttered, right?
Not having things be in a place, in a home. If you loved Marie Kondo a few years ago, then, you know, it was like everything had a home and I loved it. We did it. And then within like six months, it was all cluttered again. Cause again, It helped me feel safe and comfortable in our environment. So having its home I've had to learn is a good thing and I can be relaxed in that and I can remove it [00:08:00] from its home and then I can put it back in its home.
But part of me breaking the habit is also the recognition that I didn't put it back in its home. So as you see, I had to really go, okay, my goal is to break the habit of being cluttered. Why? Okay. Because I see it starting to cause chaos in my life. I'm already super stressed. I don't need to add more stress cause I can't find things or where I put them has been relocated by one of the three little ones in my home who lovingly sometimes do that.
Right. And you're like, where's that thing? Oh, I'm not sure. They carry after me at least one of them does. So it really becomes stressful. So I know now. For my life to work simpler, easier, right? Like I, I need to have less clutter. I'm aware again, my husband's listening. I love you. Yes. You're you've been right.
It is now recorded. Everyone has heard me say this. So I have to work on those things, but I have to work on the identity I've created and the emotional story I have [00:09:00] told myself in relation to that. And that's tough. That's heavy work. It seems like, Oh, well just tell yourself everything's safe and calm and fine and everything's good.
Well, no, but this is years of stories I have told myself that I am this way and that Having things be in their home and uncluttered. it's a bad thing, right? That I could get in trouble, I could do something wrong. So this is the work you'll have to do when you want to break a habit that you're having a hard time breaking.
If you've not really formed an identity around something and you're like, no, I like kind of picked up the habit of whatever it might be, smoking or drinking at the end of the day to de stress and you want to break those habits, but you haven't been doing it long enough for it to be a part of your identity, then you're just breaking the psychological and physical addictions to it, right?
Like just the like, This is how I unwind. This is how I relax. Okay, well then let's just replace it with a different behavior, but if you've been doing it for a while. then it's a challenge. It is a [00:10:00] challenge to pull yourself away from that so that you can start to break that habit. So that's your first thing to do.
Notice if your identity and your, emotional story is so wrapped up in that habit that it's going to make it difficult to break. And if so, start to do that work, whether you go work with a counselor or coach, whether you do that internal work on your own. Whatever, but I'm letting you know to break the habit and be consistently stable with the broken habit, not fall back.
You will need to do that work. Okay. So the second thing is to create a new habit chain, right? Like we all have that. A triggering event, something that reminds us that we got to do this thing, right? Brushing your teeth. You go in the morning, and you go in front of the sink, you go into the bathroom, up, there's the queue, I need to brush my teeth, right?
And we're in the habit of doing it. Sometimes we forget still, and you've been doing it for your whole life. But it still happens, [00:11:00] so we'll get to that point in a moment. But what you have to do is create that new habit chain. So let's say at the end of the day, and I work with several of my clients, actually on this.
If you guys are listening, this is a reminder on this, using alcohol at the end of the day to unwind. Stressful day, stressful week. Uh, I don't want to think about it. Feel it. I want to relax. So you go for that glass of wine that turns into two or three or, you know, more. Right. And it, and it can't just be one at this point because of your stress level, because of life, it's kind of in that, that space.
Okay. So we always, I always work with my clients on like, what is your new habit chain going to be? You are used to a drink at the end of the day. What if we replace it with something different, something fun, something that still feels special. So you get that hit of, Ooh, this is for me. This is special.
It's my thing. Right? And so my clients have found. different types of like fizzy [00:12:00] drinks that are fun, adding fruit into, particular non alcoholic drinks and things like, and they realized it wasn't actually the alcohol that they needed. It was a drink. It was the habit of drinking something, something in, you know, putting the glass to their lips, the smell, all of it.
And so they were able to find replacements, and very quickly, and quite amazed, they realized, Wow, I actually didn't need the alcohol, I just wanted something special for myself. At the end of the day, to unwind, to give myself kind of a treat for the day I'd had. So look at creating a new habit chain. If I do this thing, what will feel like a reward for changing it?
What will feel like something special instead of what I was doing. And once you find that, new chain of events, right. And you repeat them, your brain will naturally go to, Oh, this is what we do now. Right? This is what I'm [00:13:00] programmed to do. Your brain is the best personal assistant, but it's a little bit wonky at first until you've really trained it.
It's like that personal assistant that only hears a couple of the words you say, and usually it's the most negative words because that's how our brains are wired. And then it goes, well, that's the thing. And you're like, no, I said not to do, not to think about that thing, not to go for that, not to grab the, you know, bottle of wine, not to have that cigarette, not to eat that food because tomorrow I'm going to exercise, whatever.
Right. So you have to go into, this is what I do. I have this special drink at the end of the day. I, put away my things at the end of the day. I, I do my taxes. I don't put them off, whatever, you know, but I'm coming up with a whole bunch of different ideas. But like I am loving to my partner at the end of the day.
I don't complain and blah, blah, blah all over them. I, I immediately welcome them with gratitude and excitement to see them. That is who I am. And that is how I will be. And when you [00:14:00] break that habit chain and make it sort of like, this is how I am and you train that personal assistant brain to be all in, then it, it will always seek out that.
And it is amazing like brain hack once we figure this out, but you have to be really careful. Cause again, if you go into the, like, I don't want to drink tonight. Your brain is going to be like, drink, drink, I need to drink, I don't want to drink. And so then naturally you're going to go for like the thing you don't want versus like any drink.
So be very careful.
Hey there. I wanted to take a moment to interrupt this interview to share with you a resource I have for you. Do you find that you and your partner struggle to set goals together? No, I'm not talking about cleaning out the garage or finally filing taxes, but to actually set goals about your relationship.
Well, I have the couple's goal setting workbook just for you and your partner to help you start getting more focused on building your relationship rather than getting the to do list items off of your household tasks. [00:15:00] So check down in the show notes for the couple's goal setting workbook and make sure you take some time out in the coming weeks to use it and start to build a stronger relationship together through setting goals that you're both excited about.
Okay. The third thing to remember when breaking a bad habit and how we can break this bad habit is to recognize that progress takes time. And if it's a habit you've been doing for a really long time, like my clutter habit, right? This is taking me years. And I have found that there are certain spaces in our home.
I'm a little bit better at than I am others. Like my personal workspace. Absolutely. I mean, it looks great here on video if you're watching this, but everything around me is cluttered. And so it's one of those things where I know I can do it in certain spaces. Bathrooms are really easy, by the way, like guest bathrooms, really easy not to be cluttered.
So, Spaces I don't use on a regular basis. Oh, they look amazing, but that's besides the point. But [00:16:00] being able to understand that it is going to take time. And especially if I'm working through the identity piece, if I'm creating new habit chains, then I will start to see progress and on my really stressed.
I barely got sleep last night. I'm just completely exhausted and not thinking clearly days. I will probably slip into the old habit because it's so ingrained. It's a lot like if you, had a saw in a log and you'd been going back and forth and back and forth. And growing up in the deep south of, the United States, like, it was very common to be out in the woods and you just saw these big logs that had been like cut down and everything.
Sorry, it's southern accent starts to come out. So, You're, you've got this saw and you're going through the log and you're going through the log and it's taking a really long time but it is deeply in that groove. And if you just pull the saw out and you move it just a little bit over and you start to work down, it will naturally slip back into the bigger groove, right?[00:17:00]
You really have to remove it and put it further away from that. So it is natural when we're just, Oh, I'm so tired. I'm not focused to slide back into the old way of being. And if you have a whole couple of days, sick days, a week, that's just off, right? It turns into a month. It turns into months of. The old habit coming back.
It doesn't mean you didn't make progress on creating new neural pathways to know that this is the habit you want. And I start doing that thing. Absolutely not. It is natural because when we're stressed and exhausted, we go back to what, is the situation where I have to think the least. Because when we're forming a new habit, which a whole part of a habit, we don't have to think, but when you're formulating this new, ritual, this way of being, this way of doing, it takes time for it to become a habit so that you don't have to think about it.
It takes time to override the old programming. This is normal. So you will [00:18:00] absolutely slip up if that's the term you want to use. Fall off the wagon. Go back to the old ways. And that is just a reminder that you're human. It's just a reminder that you're normal. So taking a moment and going, okay, man, this was a bad week.
Okay, let me get back on it. What do I need to do? I'm going to set some reminders on my phone. I'm going to write it down on my to do list to do the new habit. I'm going to put sticky notes in different places to remind me just get back in the groove, going to the gym, you know, taking my vitamins, whatever it is, right?
Like you create the environment that will help you remember. And when we want a new habit, so here's sort of a fourth thing. There's something about us that as soon as we get out of like school, we start to think that. All of that conditioning about how to remember to do things, right? Reminders, alarms, you know, somebody holding us accountable, right?
Like our teacher or our professor, things like that, coaches, our parents, that all of a sudden [00:19:00] we can do it without them. But your whole life, you've been conditioned with reminders. So if you go into your adult life thinking, I don't need reminders, basically breaking all of the programming conditioning you had that actually supported you in being able to remember and get things done.
And some of you are like, no, even with all that, I still didn't remember. That's okay. I'm speaking to the ones where it did work for you. So why not? Build up your new habits with the support of what you grew up with. We grew up with that alarm to wake us up, right? With that reminder little note on the door or in our sandwich box to remind us of that thing we needed to do, and now we've got technology to help us have those reminders and alarms and timers and whatever we need.
If you're a sticky note fan like I am, then you, you get to put those in different places. Just change up the color occasionally, or you'll see it and be like, brain goes [00:20:00] not registering anymore. It's been there for two days. So change it up, change where it is, change the color, but we need it. And we need the accountability buddy of that friend who goes, how's it going?
And who doesn't judge or make fun of you when you like, Oh, today I missed it. It's that friend. That's like, okay, we'll go do it right now. I'm right here. Like I'm I'll check in on you in like five minutes. Make sure you took your head months, whatever it is. Right. Like. That you got that project done instead of procrastinating.
I'm here. And you feel like, okay, you're right. Okay. Yeah. Versus I want to hide that I didn't do it. I'm going to lie and act like I did because I don't want you to bother me. Got to be all in on changing these habits and your accountability partner has to be able to do the level of support that you need.
You know, with kindness and love and a little kick in the butt. Okay. I hope you enjoyed these tools for breaking bad habits. I hope that they have given you some things to reflect upon of why you still have the bad habits you've been wanting to break and ways you can start to shift [00:21:00] them, understanding that progress takes time.
You are human. And that the way that we develop. is to do something on repeat. And when we break that repetition, we just go right back to it with all of the conditioning and cues and reminders that worked for us when we were younger and we can still use now. Okay. I'm really excited for you guys to start using these.
And it's even giving me a tip. Kick in the butt reminder around my clutter that maybe after this episode, I clean up my desk. We'll see if that happens. I think it will. I feel actually really quite motivated. So enjoy, go back and listen to this. look of your notes and start to break those habits that you no longer want to have in your life.
And here's to finding our balance code.
Thank you for listening to today's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Take a moment to leave a rating and a review on your favorite podcast platform. That helps other listeners just like you to find this podcast too. Want to connect and learn how we can work together? Check out the links in the show notes [00:22:00] below.
Discovering your balance code doesn't have to be a one person journey. You can have a team and I'd love to support you. So here's to finding our balance code. Okay, um, Vita, I don't think that one needs, I meant to do a commercial in it. I don't think that one needs a commercial in it. Or does it? Yeah, let's still do a commercial. Do the, um, I think I did the level 10 assessment. Didn't I? No, let's do the workbook. The workbook with the goals. Sorry, workbook with the goals.
Um, that one for that, that episode.
