Raising a High Achieving Family with Shane Carter

How can high-achieving families create balance while managing busy lives?

In this episode of the Balance Code Podcast, we dive into the concept of the high-achieving family with our guest Shane Carter. 

Shane, CEO of Hampshire Capital, LLC, is an experienced developer, operator, and father of three. He shares his insights on integrating work and family life. From maintaining family traditions to establishing effective time management strategies, Shane offers practical tools to help families thrive. 

We explore the importance of family meals, one-on-one time with each family member, and ways to face challenges like sick days or business travel. Shane also discusses the value of resilience, fear management, and maintaining a strong partnership with your spouse. Tune in to learn how to foster a balanced and fulfilling family life.

In this episode:

• Introduction of Shane Carter and his background
• Defining a high-achieving family
• Work-life integration vs. work-life balance
• Practical tools for family connection:
• Family meals and sharing daily highlights
• Time blocking for family and individual time
• Dealing with daily challenges and unexpected events
• Teaching children resilience and handling fear
• The importance of prioritization and boundaries
• Values to instill in children for their success
• Balancing high-achieving careers with marriage
• Unique date night ideas and activities for couples

Connect with Shane:

Find him on Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/shanecarternh/

Hampshire Capital website: https://hampshirecap.com/

Resources:

Couples Goal Setting Workbook
⁠Rebuild Program

Couples Goal Setting Workbook

Complimentary Relationship Assessment

Follow Katie Rössler on Instagram

Check out the podcast website

Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome back to the podcast. So we talk as high achieving individuals and couples here on the podcast, but today I want to talk about the high achieving family. How do we really start to create better balance for our families when we're doing all the things? I have Shane Carter here to talk with me about what he's doing in his own family and to share with us some practical tools of what we can start doing too.

Welcome to the Balance Code Podcast, a place for high achievers to step outside the hamster wheel of day to day life and start learning tools for more balance. I'm your host, Katie Ressler, and I will be guiding you on this journey of discovering your balance code.

Thank you, Shane, for being here. Yeah. Thanks, Katie. My pleasure and honor. I would love to hear a little bit more about yourself, share with the audience kind of about your family as well, your work and where you are in the world. Okay, so I am physically in New Hampshire right now. We spent some time in Florida as well when the weather gets Too nasty [00:01:00] up here.

But, for business and for work, I'm the CEO of Hampshire Capital. We're a private equity real estate firm, investing in diversified funds and in assets in the growth markets of the South. primarily land development, multifamily assets, and outdoor hospitality, which, for folks who don't know what that is, we, that's a fancy word for RV parks, campgrounds, and marinas.

and so we have a lot of fun in business and really enjoy that. I am blessed to have a, a, beautiful wife and, and three amazing children, an older son, Rory, who's 15, my middle son, who is six and my baby girl, who's three years old. Excellent. And I'm going to point out because you shared it with me and a lot of the listeners are the same way.

You're in a bicultural marriage. I am. Yes, my wife is originally from Yugoslavia and moved here when the wars of that happened in the and the former Yugoslavia split into seven different nations, [00:02:00] and her folks are from Serbia and Bosnia, and then they had to go to Croatia and eventually came here to the US.

So that might come into our discussion today, too, just because, as you know, I'm in a bicultural relationship as well, and it creates some interesting dynamics bringing in different cultural ways of handling family, life, and work ethic, and all of that. Let's get started with, in your point of view, how would you describe the high achieving family, just from your perspective, so we know where we're starting from.

Yeah. So from my perspective, it's, um, I'm a big believer of. this, sort of phrase that I, picked up actually from, from Tony Horton, uh, uh, years and years ago, which is that it's not work life, balance, it's work life integration. And so, sorry, I said Tony Horton. I meant Tony Robbins, my, my bad.

We can cut that out. but yeah, th that, concept of integrating. A holistic view of your life and in terms of high performing is really how that's the plateau. [00:03:00] That's the place that I come from is how can I be super efficient and high performing in business and with my relationships, which are really the most important thing in life.

So we go out and we make all this money and we go to work and we feel fulfilled. But the purpose of all of that, I've realized, is really just to, to have more time, or freedom of time, and what do I want to do with most of that time, is spend it with my family, my dear loved ones that I care so much for.

So how do I do that really well from both perspectives? And that's been my focus and, and where I energetically, Come from on a daily basis. So when you think about some of the things your family has to put into place because of your work and your partner's work and, and knowing that it's about that integration, what are some practical tools you could talk to us about that you guys have, have started integrating?

So one of the practical tools, I mean, you know, to start with, love the concept of, [00:04:00] and unfortunately we had veered from this in, prior things because life gets busy and kids are messy, especially when they're young and they're difficult. But, but ensuring that we have a family meal and we all sit around the table together and we all share that time together.

and the number one thing that our family that we do is we go around the table as we're eating and we start with usually the youngest and go by age. So I get to go last. but we say what was, your favorite thing about today? And we talk about that. And so we get to share and we all comment and we, we, share in, what was the most beautiful thing or most important thing or most amazing thing that happened in everyone's life and that form of connection I find to be irreplaceable, and I know that this is something that my children.

Are going to pass on because it's indeled in their memories now that this is just what you do And this is how you have family time. Um beyond that, I i've become very Segmented and focused in my business life in terms of time blocking and being [00:05:00] extremely hyper efficient with what I do and how I do it, right?

In other words email I I just can't stand I rarely go on it if I do it's for very focused amounts of time You And I have my, three rules of do delete delegate. And so that I'm through my emails very quickly. And then that's over. I essentially do the same thing with my family in terms of time blocking, where I have dedicated specific time.

That is one on one with my wife, of course, right? Not just random date nights here and there, but focused one on one time where we can really connect. Talk deeply understand each other and and have that focus time where there are no distractions. There are no children. There's nothing else going on.

There's just us. And I do that with each child so that it's not just me coming home from work and spending time with the family as a group. because I have this, these disparate ages. I have a 15 year old and I have a three year old. So my one on one time with my 15 year old is that he has decided that he wants [00:06:00] to go to the gym and work out.

And so that we go, he's my gym buddy now. And so we have focused one on one time where we go work out together and spend that one on one time. We also go hiking together. We do other things together, but we have focused one on one time. And I do that with my six year old. And I do that with my three year old and so that every one of them feels very important, very heard and understood.

And, I think it creates a great family environment for all of us. And I encourage my wife, of course, to do the exact same thing with each one of them. I really love that you just shared two things that, anybody who's listening and who's got children, or if it's just you and your partner that can, you can start doing.

That first one, the table, we do the same thing. Cause I was, you're saying, I was like, Oh, we do that too. Even if they have friends come over, like the friends expected to share the good thing we added. Cause I talked with my husband, we're both entrepreneurs and we really wanted to bring that mindset into, we also say, what was your biggest challenge?

And so we have them kind of talk about like the negatives too, right? Like here's this thing I [00:07:00] faced and this is what I did. And. Sometimes it involves us then brainstorming together. How, would you handle that? Or how would you face that? And it's really interesting. I think in your home, you're all speaking English and our home, we try English at the table most of the time, but sometimes there's like, it's.

English. It's a mixture of German and English. And it's interesting to hear my girls processing life through the two lenses of language, depending on if it's positive or negative. And that's been really, really fascinating, but also to have them start to have a more holistic perspective.

Perspective of their day and to see the challenges as, um, you know, times to take risk, times to have more courage, times to face fears that is really powerful. And I think it's a high achieving family. That's an essential tool. We have to teach because resilience is like prime. For me, that's just like for all of us.

It's prime. Yeah, absolutely. I'm so glad you you mentioned that that is the most important thing. I think that we all need to be teaching children and it's harder today. I [00:08:00] feel like than how we all grew up. Is really teaching that resilience and teaching, how to push through. but first my approach is generally just to be there with them and not to try to solve and not to try to coach and advise, but just to sit in the moment and let them process emotions.

Cause I also feel like that is something that we in Western cultures don't do well, is that we don't allow everyone time to just feel the emotions, just sit with it and just sit in it. And as men, we always try to solve things and come up with solutions. Cause we know immediately our minds go to, Oh, okay.

Well, if that bad thing happened, you should do this. But I've learned how to just quiet that voice in my head that's telling me to say that and just be there and be present and be with them and feel what they're feeling and that that allows for the deeper connection and then maybe they might hear something later.

But I always, I've learned how to ask permission. Would it be all right if I shared an example of something that happened to me and could I offer you maybe some, a word of advice on that? And I get them to say yes first. [00:09:00] Before I offer that the invitation waiting for the invitation. That's huge. I also love that you mentioned the time blocking.

Cause when I think of time blocking, I think exactly like you said, work being efficient, you know, but how valuable, I think there's so many skills in business we can bring into our family life to make it not run better, but to be even more engaged. And that right there is one of them. Time blocking. The time you have for each family member and in our situations when you're a family of five, both of us have that, that time.

And then also for yourself, like you mentioned them, but I was like, what about where's your time? Yeah, well, it's in there. So you can't function and the relationship can't build if you don't make that time. How do you handle, the hiccups, right? The sick days, the business travel, the kid who doesn't want to spend the time in that moment, like, how do you handle those situations?

Well, I'm still always in a process of [00:10:00] learning and getting better. So it's a constant process of improvement for me. And so how I've learned how to handle them better and better as the years have gone by. Is by, you know, first of all, like to take one of your examples, if it's a sick child day, first of all, I have a super human wife, so that helps, right?

Cause she's just, she's amazing. And, and she can have, she, she's so efficient and good at doing everything that, it blows my mind most days. So, that's super helpful. So if I need to take go on a business trip for three days, obviously lots of advanced planning and warning. And, sort of getting her in the right mindset that she's going to have to pick up slack a bit because dad's going to be gone.

on the inverse, if she's having a tough day and we've got sick kids, I'm fortunate enough to be in a business where I can just say, you know what I need to take today, or I need to take the next two hours. I need to take this half a day and go take care of my family, clear my schedule. Reschedule the meetings.

I'm out. These, these folks are more important to me than anything that I'm doing here in business. [00:11:00] So I, tried to do that. Interesting. This actually happened last week. Right? So my wife, we had both had strep throat, the younger one, 6 and 3. And she had been up all night the night before in trying to tend to the kids.

And, I'm a super deep sleeper. It's one of my superpowers and she hates me for it. But anyway, she, was exhausted the next day and she called me and she said, I know you're supposed to, you know, go drive and have your business meetings working on the business with your business partners today for, you know, two hours.

You do that every, every Friday, but I need you. I'm not, going to be able to make this. I, I need your help. You need to, I need you to be here. So I said, okay, no problem. Called my business partner. Sorry, guys. Can't make it, you know, strep throat wife's, been up all night. She's exhausted.

I need to step up and step in. So that's what I'm going to do. And our culture in our company is, is such that everyone's like, yeah, of course, no problem, man. Go do what you gotta do. No, no sweat. but I get there and she had rallied. And she was, was good, but [00:12:00] I had showed up and I had offered to make sure that she was 100 percent okay.

And that was enough for her to say, Okay, you know what? Go ahead. I know what you need to do is important today. I've actually got this now, but thank you for coming here and thank you for showing up. but I'm going to be okay. I'll see you this afternoon. And, and so that was a real world example of that just happened.

And, um, and sometimes it's just the proof of I'm willing to drop everything and be there. 

Hey there. I wanted to take a moment to interrupt this interview to share with you a resource I have for you. Do you find that you and your partner struggle to set goals together? No, I'm not talking about cleaning out the garage or finally filing taxes, but to actually set goals about your relationship.

Well, I have the couple's goal setting workbook just for you and your partner to help you start getting more focused on building your relationship rather than getting the to do list items off of your household tasks. So check down in the show notes for the couple's [00:13:00] goal setting workbook and make sure you take some time out in the coming weeks to use it and start to build a stronger relationship together through setting goals that you're both excited about.

Yes. Well, prioritization. I mean, what you just talked about was showing not only your coworkers, right? Your partner, but also your family members. Prioritization and we struggle with that as high achievers, and it feels like if we're not getting a sense of achievement, which we tend to get in our work, right?

The thing that pays the paycheck, then it feels like, okay, well, this thing where, you know, sick kids, like they're, they're not going to say thank you. They're going to cough all over me. And then I'll probably two weeks from now, I'll be sick too. Speaking as a mom who tends to have that problem. but that's something that I think we have to teach our family members better is how to prioritize.

And then the next thing you said was about the boundaries. You know, being [00:14:00] able to tell your partners at work, got to go like I'm needed and having the boundary between work and home, even as an entrepreneur, that's super challenging because it's very easy to feel like, oh, well, I'll, I'll do it all right.

Like I can, manage this and this, but that burns us out. And I think raising the next generation to not go straight down the burnout train is essential because if they see two parents who are like, we rally, do it all, we can do it all. They'll feel a sense of, I have to, but if they see you guys go, Hey, I can ask for help.

I can put on some boundaries and I can prioritize you all. you guys are modeling some amazing things. I don't mean to become like a family therapist to you, but you're doing some great things. And I just wonder, you mentioned the very beginning, this is all a learning process. How can you encourage those who are listening or watching this to understand that it isn't about perfection?

Cause I think that's the struggle. Oh my gosh. Yeah, that is, uh, it's one of my life codes really is that there is no [00:15:00] perfection in this world. There is only the constant ability to improve yourself. And that's, that's my life journey. I think that's what we're really actually all here for.

Just to get esoteric for a moment, but, um, when I see life that way and I would encourage others to do the same and don't, don't be hard on yourself. There's no, we all say, look, there's no, parenting guidebook. Well, there are, there's lots of them actually, but, there isn't a rule book.

There's no right way to do this and there's no right way to, do everything that we do. And this world is constantly changing and we go through it. You know, global pandemics and all sorts of things that just get thrown at us. And so we have to be flexible and resilient ourselves and be kind to ourselves about the progress that we're making And it's those little incremental steps that we we in our company we say one percent every day So you look up in a year you're three hundred and something percent better, right?

Depending on how many things you work So, that just tiny incremental steps of getting better every [00:16:00] day And then when you look back on it In a month, two months, six months, you realize, Oh my gosh, I've come a long way. I've done well, but you don't see it initially. So it's just about being kind to yourself and giving yourself the little kudos and pats on the back where, when they're needed.

Definitely, definitely. When you think about your three and them growing up in today's world, what are the values you hope to instill in them to help them be successful in their own ways, right? Success, I'm putting quotations for those who can't see this, for successful in their own ways. Yeah, yeah, got it.

So, um, the number one thing that I have experienced myself, and I just went through this with my teenage son, who had some challenges with, um, anxiety, social anxiety, which is fairly normal for a teenager, but this was a bit, you know, exacerbated, I'll say. and, how, what is fear?

What is the purpose of fear? And how do you interact with fear? [00:17:00] Because there are a lot of things in this world and in life that will fill you with fear or that your initial response will be fear. And so how do we parse that out? How do we separate that out into the real fears? You know, I'm about to have to try to cross a four lane highway on foot.

That's a real fear versus Oh, my gosh, I might have to walk by that group of people, and I don't know if somebody's gonna say something to me or not. and that's a perceived fear. And so, then there's the, classic one of, of public speaking, right? Of getting up in front of people and speaking and, and being able to communicate well and whether or not you're gonna fumble.

But here's the interesting part is that once you go and step into those perceived fears and take that first step towards it, the fear immediately dissipates. And so, I had. my son go through a couple of different steps of, you know, if this is fearful to you, I want you to be brave and just take one little step towards it and see what that feels like.

Do you feel [00:18:00] more afraid or less afraid? And that stepping into the fear is ultimately, as we all know how you dissipate and conquer it and remove it. And that is, I think, a massive lesson for Children in this day and age to learn. Because they grew up in an age of fear, right? Our three year olds were in the prime of the fear experience.

Yes. Yes, absolutely. You know, when I think about them being able to sit with fear, to face fear, whatever way you want to look at it. It goes back again to that resilience piece, right? That, that we're teaching them how to handle whatever life brings them. And I think one of the cornerstones of being a high achiever is that to be able to handle whatever life brings you, to be able to face that challenge and, and feel like whether you need to ask for help or learn more to overcome it, whatever it might be that you will still be able to face that.

so I love that you talked about the fear piece of it, because even as [00:19:00] parents, we have to learn that. You know, as our kids get older, there's a lot of fears that come up. And so it's like, how do you face that and modeling that for them too, as we learn for ourselves. Yes, absolutely. And, and one of the things that's actually amazing about this day and age is we're in the information age and information and data is ubiquitous and we can all access it rapidly, and it's fascinating, I think, in many ways, because.

So the essence of many fears is a lack of understanding and our lack of knowledge, right? So what can we do? And so this was the tool I taught him. What can you do, son, to give yourself the knowledge or understanding about this fear that you have that helps you understand it better so that you're less fearful of it.

and that, again, I tried to be broad because I could see the applicability of this. Um, To many different phases of life, whether he's in his twenties, thirties, forties, fifties and onward. that lesson is still there for all of us. Yeah, definitely. Well, so we've been talking about the kids. Part of a family [00:20:00] is, is the relationship, the marriage.

Let's talk about that. How did the two of you balance being high achievers? So, oh boy, again, still, a continuing work in progress. it is interesting in terms of the cultural difference, which, which I've learned to navigate well, and what, what her culture. expects of a man and a woman and versus sort of what the American culture does.

and, so that's been an interesting dance to dance with her. But, um, you know, I think what we do specifically is, of course, you know, we have dedicated one on one time and we go out at least once a month, usually twice a month for date nights. We have an amazing network of child care support folks in our, in our community.

and so we leverage that and use that and mom and dad get to get out and get that one on one time and really, get free and also during the day I've learned how to do this. randomly, I'll just take time and show up and say, Hey, let's, do you want to go grab a bite? You want to go grab lunch?

Just [00:21:00] completely random. She had no idea. In fact, my schedule said I was supposed to be doing something else then. Right. and I don't do that as much as I, should. And so I'm sort of speaking myself as well, that those little moments of time, when I do that, they are golden and she lights up and everything just becomes instantly better.

And so that's, those are just maybe some of the things that we, that we've done so far. Let me ask you, what do you guys like to do for your date nights? Because often, I think people think of sit down and eat, sit down and eat, sit down and eat. And I'm, I'm curious, is it just sit down and eat? Or do you guys like to do things?

Yes, we, we are foodies. We do love food. but, my wife is an amazing dancer and she loves to dance as well. So sometimes we'll go to a place where, where she can dance or we can dance. And I've learned to, uh, free myself from caring about how I look or, or anything other than how I feel when I'm dancing.

And so that's what I would, coach other or guide other people to consider is. Forget about what you look like, focus on how you [00:22:00] feel when you're dancing and how does that make you feel inside and let your heart shine from that. And that is so freeing and so beautiful. like when I see my three year old dance or my six year old, they are, arms are flailing and they're wild and crazy, but they are dancing from their heart and soul and it's beautiful.

And so we can all dance that way. We just forgot how to do it because we learned how to be adults instead. So that's something we do. we haven't really done the movie thing very much, but we are foodies and we do love to go out to eat. but it's really more, going to the city because we live in the country a bit.

And my wife is a bit of a city girl. So going to the city, going to, operas, going to art museums, going to cultural events. are things that we do for our dates. I love that you shared those last ones. Cause I think again, often we think date night, especially we're exhausted. We've been working so hard all day.

People just think, go sit down and eat together. And we forget to be creative with that time. We need those creative outlets and much of what you've shared in your process of growth is about [00:23:00] creativity, being creative and how you talk with your son about things, being creative and how you Plan your schedule or showing up randomly spontaneously for creative date.

These things are important, but when we're stressed, we can't go there. So good that you shared a few ideas for people to think like, Oh, museums. Okay. Opera. Yeah. This would be great. It doesn't have to sit down, eat, You know, talk about the kids, talk about the kids. Yeah, right. Did we file our taxes and plan this?

When do we do this? When are you going to finish emptying the garage? No, like to connect, actually enjoy that time. Well, for before we wrap up, is there anything left that you'd like to really share with our listeners about really helping to raise a high achieving family? You know, I would say that, everything that we talked about, obviously, but, but to add, one of the things that I've been focused on in the last year or so is, really how to be a heart forward leader.

And I think that's, that's a prevalent concept these days, but, applying that to your family life. And it seems. like a given that you would do [00:24:00] that. but for, I think for a lot of us men anyway, it's easier said than done. And so how do you show up in a heart forward manner with your family and with your loved ones?

And what does that even mean? You know, you, you may need to go decide that for yourself and figure that out. But for me, it means, Like I discussed quieting that little voice inside my head that wants to help everyone and being in their space with them the way they want to be and, not trying to control or change that in any way that's been an important thing for me to learn.

And that goes against so much of what we think we should be doing. Think already, right? Mind, mind, mind, mind. Our mind is always driving so much, but to Really raise a high achieving family to lead with our hearts. I love that you point that out and I think it will, everyone who's listening will have to figure out, like you said, how to apply that in their own way.

What does that look like? And you brought up at the beginning that you spend time with each of your kids [00:25:00] individually, and I think that is how you discover what that looks like, because you really tune into what each child or your partner, or even what you need. That isn't what your mind tells you that you're supposed to do.

You should, and that's, that's essential. So Shane, thank you so much for everything you've shared, for sharing your personal stories and your experiences. And, I know that the listeners are going like, okay, yeah, I need to look at this time blocking. I need to really look at my priorities, how to shift them.

You're a great model for us and doing those things. If people want to connect with you after this episode and, and to learn more from you and to talk with you about your business, how can they do so? So, yeah, and first thanks so much for having me on Katie. I really enjoyed this. I really appreciate it.

so yeah, people can connect with me, on, Facebook, LinkedIn, Shane Carter, NH, our website, hampshirecap. com, hampshirecap. com, happy to, meet folks and chat with them and see if there's any way we can help. Excellent. And dear listener, here's [00:26:00] to finding our balance code. 

Thank you for listening to today's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Take a moment to leave a rating and a review on your favorite podcast platform. That helps other listeners just like you to find this podcast too. Want to connect and learn how we can work together? Check out the links in the show notes below.

Discovering your balance code doesn't have to be a one person journey. You can have a team and I'd love to support you. So here's to finding our balance code.