Central Lutheran Church - Elk River
Central Lutheran Church - Elk River
The Magic Phrase That Transforms Relationships {Reflections}
What if a simple phrase could completely change the way you handle conflicts? Today, I’m flying solo from my office to share a groundbreaking communication technique that has transformed my relationships and could do the same for you. This isn’t just theory; it’s a practical, easy-to-remember tool that you can start using today. The magic words? "When you [action], I felt [emotion]. Next time, could you please [request]." Whether you're dealing with colleagues, family, or friends, this phrase helps you express your feelings clearly and request changes without escalating tensions.
Drawing from my personal experience, I reveal how my wife Katie and I have used this method to navigate our own conflicts and teach our kids to manage their disputes. Imagine your children resolving their bickering in a calm and constructive manner—yes, it’s possible! Tune in to hear the full story and learn how to integrate this powerful phrase into your daily interactions. Trust me, once you start using it, you'll wonder how you ever communicated without it.
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What is up everybody? Hey, this is Ryan. Welcome to our Reflections podcast. I'm coming to you not from Mike's Beats Laboratory, but I'm coming to you from my own office. Mike is out for the day. I'm leaving town tomorrow, so we couldn't connect, so I'm going to do this on my own. Here's the hope and my fingers are crossed that I don't do it wrong, but I'm going to go for it, because I had this idea I wanted to share with you guys, and I had to get it down on recording. Guys, on how to get it down on recording, so here's what it is.
Speaker 1:Hey, I learned a phrase a long time ago, and I want to teach it to you. You might already even know it, but if you don't, I'm just telling you this phrase. Once you hear it, and you have to use it, it will change your life. And yes, I know I sound like a used car salesman, and I don't mean to. I don't like that, but I'm telling you, if you learn this phrase and put it into practice in your relationships, it will change everything. The trick, though, is you have to use it because it really can work, and so, years ago a long time ago, in fact I was talking with a counselor friend of mine and he's like hey, ryan, I'm going to teach you this phrase. Here it is, and when you hear it it's so elementary and even a bit it feels a bit like I'm not a child, but but it's actually quite revolutionary and again it is like groundbreaking.
Speaker 1:So here's the phrase when you have a problem with somebody and, let's be honest, going through life, you and I are going to have conflict with other people. That's just the way it works, because people are all screwed up, including ourselves. The other people aren't the ones that have a rough go at life, it's all of us, and so when that happens, we tend to bump up against each other and have these conflicts, and we respond in all kinds of ways. Oftentimes, many of us will just disappear. We can just quit a job or a church and go somewhere else, kind of take our ball and go home. We can respond by being passive, aggressive and just being like you know, I don't know, however, you are passive, aggressive. You know better than I do or we can just ignore people. There's all kinds of unhealthy and unhelpful ways to respond to conflict, but here's a phrase that I want you to learn and try it. Just try it, and I'm telling you it'll change your life. And if you do it, let me know.
Speaker 1:So here's the phrase when something happens to you that hurts your feelings, that bothers you, that upsets you or offends you, here's what you say hey, grab the other person and say, hey, can I borrow you for five seconds? I want to just share what's on my heart about what just happened and then say hey, when you here's the phrase fill in the blank. I felt fill in the blank. Next time, could you please fill in the blank. So, for example, I'll just use myself as an example hey, katie, when you came home last night and you didn't give me a kiss, you know, hello, it made me feel I don't know, it made me feel sad. Next time, when you come home, could you please give me a kiss, hello, boom, done, easy. I know it sounds really elementary and kind of like a bit childish, but I'm telling you, if you do this, it will change everything. And so Katie and I actually is Katie and I we began to use this quite intentionally years ago and we began to teach our kids this now, when they were little, we had to like make them do it, because they'd be bickering and fighting, okay, what happened?
Speaker 1:Well, and they would tell me. Well, you know when, when, when my brother did this, okay, listen. So I would sit them both down and say, hey, tell him. And I would teach them the phrase. When you did this, fill in the blank, it made me feel, or I felt fell in the blank. It made me feel or I felt fill in the blank. Next time, could you fill in the blank. And I made them do it, and it invariably it would at least lead to more conversation, uh, to people being oh, I didn't know that when I did that, it made you feel that way. Uh, and next time? Yes, next time I will try to do that. You know what I mean, because here's the deal many times in life we don't mean to be malicious to each other. Sometimes things are accidental. I mentioned in a podcast a couple of weeks ago.
Speaker 1:I always try to assume ignorance over malevolence. Rather than assigning meaning to something that was the most negative meaning, I could assign possible light and assume, hey, I don't think they're trying to do me wrong or get me, but they just they were, they didn't see me or they were ignorant of the situation. And so many times it's what's happening and we will jump to conclusions, or or rather to when we are upset, and a lot of times, things that happen to us, they're legit. Some things we don't you know. Some things, yes, granted, we don't have to take up offense. We in this culture, in this day and age, right now, we seem obsessed with being offended. We don't have to always pick up an offense. That's a choice many times.
Speaker 1:But listen, let's be honest. Sometimes things do hurt our feelings and that's okay, but we got to talk these things out. It'll lead to more healthy and flourishing relationships. So you can just say something like hey, mom, when you said this, and fill in the blank. It made me feel fill in the blank. Next time, could you fill in the blank?
Speaker 1:So try it, let me know what you think and if you're already doing it, let me know how it's been going for you, and maybe you know the phrase, would have it tried. I'm just telling you try it out and see what you think, cause I think we've got to get better at our relationships and airing the things that are hurting our feelings, being honest about our emotions and not blaming others. But like hey, when this happened, I felt this, so I'm taking ownership how I felt and I try to avoid. You made me feel this, because that's not I want to own it myself. When this happened, I felt this and next time could we try this?
Speaker 1:It's just a way to also provide a way forward. It's an old phrase that comes out of counseling. It's just a wonderful way to kind of help promote healthy relationships. So that's it. So I got for you, but try it out, because we've got to get better at our relationships. We've got to get rid of all the junk in our lives and all the passive aggression and the sideways remarks and the things behind the things, and just start having honest conversations. We're going to stop the blaming and take ownership for our own selves, our own lives, our own emotions and how we feel, and then try to hey, can we find a way forward? And if, as possible, if we can, as, whenever possible, take the emotions around the thing and put it aside for the moment while you're having the conversation. That will help too. So if you're like really heated and upset and angry, let it simmer for a minute or take that emotion, put it to the side for a moment.
Speaker 1:Emotions are great. They're part of our lives. I'm an emotional dude, but if I let my emotions drive the bus, which they often want to, they will crash it. They're not good drivers. So I have to take my emotions like hey, you can ride shotgun, but you cannot drive because you'll crash. So I will often try to use this phrase with my emotions and shotgun not driving because they're not good drivers. So, okay, that's it. I love you guys. Give me a holler, let me know if you do it and how it goes. All right, peace.
Speaker 2:Hey, if you enjoy this show, I'd love to have you share it with some friends. And don't forget, you are always welcome to join us in person at Central in Elk River at 830, which is our liturgical gathering, or 10 o'clock, our modern gathering, or you can check us out online at clcelkriverorg Peace.
