Hard Conversations: The Unfiltered Journey of Standing Firm and Letting Go

Ever found yourself at a crossroads, where the words you need to say are barricaded behind a wall of anxiety? My girls Breona, Nikki, and I certainly have, and we're tearing down that wall in our latest heart-to-heart. We're dissecting the art of tough talks and the self-reflection required to steer our lives back on track, whether it's confronting the dissonance between ambition and reality, or the breaking points that scream for change. It's a conversation as raw as it is real, filled with personal stories that remind us why sometimes, the hardest person to be honest with is the one in the mirror.

Host KC Carnage (@iamkccarnage), Nakieyta Davis (@jxnchuurik) and Breona Dewitt (@denasha.bre) 

Transcript

Speaker 2: 0:00

with inflation and everything that's going on and mental health.

Speaker 1: 0:03

I think everybody's just like existing at this point. Like what?

Speaker 2: 0:06

are we doing? And also, how do you do it? Because the formula of how it used to work, you don't. It's not working anymore. So now you're like well, this is what I know, this is what I've always done. When did it change and how do I shift with it? What do I do?

Speaker 3: 0:50

What up, what up, what up this is, that's it, that's all. And I'm your host, casey Carnage, as you know, and we got the usual suspects on the show, you know. I got my girls Brianna, hey, and we got Nikki, oh Ler. And today I want to talk about, you know, like life has been life in y'all and I don't know if y'all have been going through like a lot of stuff I don't know what you call it would be mercury or retrograde, whatever y'all want to call it but life has been life in. So I wanted to talk about today, about having the hard conversations, and I'm not talking about just having the hard conversations with the people around you, but also having the hard conversations with yourself, especially.

Speaker 3: 1:27

Like I don't know about anybody else, but personally I feel like life has really been taking a toll on me, whether it was personal or finances or friendship or love. Like I feel like this week I've had to have a lot of hard conversations and it's kind of hard when you know you're an ambitious person and you know things just feel like they're not falling into place and you actually have to have to take the time to actually, like, take that veil off and really ask yourself are you actually doing everything in your power that you can be doing? And then, when you stop lying to yourself and that answer is no, it is a really tough, you know, pill to swallow, and you know what I mean. Like. And I found I found myself asking God a lot this week, like, is this the life that you like? I don't believe it. I don't believe it. I don't believe that this is the life you had planned for me.

Speaker 3: 2:15

Like, what is up, what do I mean? And I've had several conversations this week that kind of like put a lot of things in perspective and like I you know. So I let's just jump into it. So one of my first questions I want to ask, like you know, and if y'all have any, you know, out there in the metaverse, out there in the universe, if y'all have any questions, y'all want to answer these questions too. I would definitely definitely like to get some feedback on it. But you know why do we put off the hard conversations until, like, we either explode or just too late? Why do you think that is?

Speaker 1: 2:48

I feel like sometimes it's, you know, like again, life be life, and sometimes you just don't have the time to have those, have those conversations. Also, some people just don't like confrontation, or you don't know the ways to say it so that the person could possibly receive it, Because sometimes people just don't like to receive any type of criticism or any type of, and so sometimes it's just easier just to you know, like all right, whatever it is what it is, we'll talk about it.

Speaker 2: 3:14

We can also cause anxiety, because hard conversations is anxiety. We're already anxious about 50 million other things.

Speaker 2: 3:20

We're just like I can't be anxious about this I want to think about it right now and you think to come back to it and you kind of don't, because when the times are good you kind of be like, oh, I love her, like I'm having a good time, I fuck it. And then you know you just shit boils and boils and you know it's definitely, it's stuff, it's like you know, it's like it's definitely don't mean it to.

Speaker 3: 3:38

And it's also like I think, like Bree said, about like you know you feeling, like you have that inkling, like somebody do something. It's the first of the side eye and then somebody's like oh, I'm not going to answer her text, I'm not going to answer his text. And then the next thing, you see them and they like next to you, you just looking at them and you try and keep composing. And then next thing, you know it, like you are truly welling out, like you're welling out, and it's like, it's like, and it's like, not even like, and then it's sad because I'm not here. Like, how does that get here? Like it's like, it's like almost to like. You know, like, how do we honor ourselves in those conversations as well?

Speaker 1: 4:18

It's literally just like you just said. You just you're going to have to go to get out to look at yourself and be like look, what do I, what's best for me? And what's best for me is probably talking about the situation. If it doesn't go, how I want it to go, if it goes left or whatever, am I okay with severing this relationship? If it comes to that, which is which is probably a big thing too, it's like if this doesn't go because you always obviously don't know how the other person's going to respond to whatever you have to say, they could take it well, they could take it terribly. So there's also a chance of that relationship going sour and sometimes going through that grief of losing that relationship is something you don't want to go through either. So it's like damn, like, what do you do? But they still do what's best for you, because it's going to hurt either way, Whether you stay in something that you haven't addressed or whether you do it and it doesn't go with the way you plan.

Speaker 3: 5:11

So I feel it. I feel it. I just I don't know like this week. You know like we had a hard conversation in our friend group this week and it was a lot like people tensions was high because I feel like everybody had their own version of what was going on, and I know Nikki mentioned about like just not talking to each other, but it's also that thing is just kind of like y'all my booze, like what I'm feeling right now to convey what I want to feel, like Like it's like I got to keep keep face really in the front, but I'm screaming inside and I'm knocking shit over inside. And how do I convey what I'm thinking versus what I'm feeling and still honor what I'm feeling without having to think about is this going to affect or hurt somebody else? That is a very hard like to kind of like, like get over, because you know like you do want to leave with love, but you're angry at the same time.

Speaker 2: 6:09

Which is why sometimes I think, wait, they don't. I mean, obviously we shouldn't let too much time goes by, because then you're stacking and stacking and stacking on many things that people probably don't remember no more. And it's not fair to just come at me with all this and that's even more anxious and even more overwhelming. So I would say, wait a little till we're not angry, but who's to say how long that is?

Speaker 2: 6:27

But you know, but it's just how we have to learn how to just have this conversation to say, hey, so this kind of bothered me. I want to talk to you about this, Can we? And even if they don't receive it well, we did what we need to do. If they don't receive it, well, we just. It's showing us how to move forward with this person. It's giving us the answers we need, but we did what we needed to do and that's all we can do. We do have to do it and it is hard because we don't want to do with the anxiety of it.

Speaker 1: 6:51

We're anxious, like everybody's fucking anxious, like it's just so much, and I have that moment that you was like, how do I do it when I want to just knock and shit over? I had that moment and I blew up. But then I had to go back and realize, like these are people that I love, these are people that I care about, and my intention was never to hurt you or hurt feelings. And so I had to go back and apologize to all y'all. I'm like, look, I'm so, apologize for my delivery. I was emotional, I was in the moment. I do love y'all, but we do need to obviously need to have a conversation, because obviously I was holding in some stuff that I've been holding in for too long, but at the end of the day, you still have to realize that these are people that you care about, and how you talk to them and how you say things matter. So I had to step back and apologize and regroup.

Speaker 3: 7:36

And then we came together and said I think that, like I feel like I'm a firm believer and y'all let me know if y'all believe this too, and I believe it but I'm a firm believer in when life is telling you that you need to make a change, it makes you really uncomfortable. Like it makes you so uncomfortable to the fact that, like everything was shared, like this past couple of days, like everything has been triggering me, from talking to my boo to talking to y'all, to talking to my family, like I've literally been on pins and needles, because I feel like I had a moment where I was just like what is happening? What am I doing? Why am I not where I'm supposed to be? Why isn't my show getting the real, like the views that I know it deserves, or why am I not getting booked the way I used to?

Speaker 3: 8:28

Like it was a lot like dealing with, like my boyfriend moving, having that hard conversation as far as like well, where are we gonna go and are we gonna continue this? And this is the realization of your life versus my life. And just like it was just a lot, and also, too, like dealing with my space, like I take on a lot of responsibilities, not only for myself, but for my family, for friends. I take on a lot. So like it really came to a head and I had to have a conversation with myself. Like yo, we gotta come up with a plan. And are you doing everything on your plan? Have you become complacent? Because there is a little bit in me that, like I feel like at the age that I am and what I've done in life, that I have been coasting for a while and that's never been me. But I also have had the duality of feeling like I don't know if I have anymore in me to keep pushing Like little link.

Speaker 2: 9:30

Yeah, I mean so for moving. So I am very okay with being still. So I feel like that sometimes too, where I'm like I'm not this busy B, I need to work hard. I need to have this and this and this going on. I do like things to look forward to, but I'm okay with being very still. As Bree's mother says, I am the type of I will let grass grow up under me because I am still. I like chilling. I'm very low maintenance. I don't get me wrong. I don't mind having a little business for myself and whatever, but I don't dream of labor. I don't want to work hard. I don't want to work hard as Beyonce. I love that for Beyonce. Who got Beyonce money? I don't want to do that. I don't. I don't mm-mm.

Speaker 3: 10:08

Do you ever feel like your life isn't moving as fast as you want it to be Like? Do you ever feel like, okay, well, but girls, what you, chill or not, there has to be something that you want to achieve, right. Do you feel like, in your stillness, does it give you anxiety that you're not achieving?

Speaker 2: 10:28

Yes, and I feel guilty about it all the time. But I also feel I know there are people who are working their asses off and they still don't have enough. And that's what makes me go, because sometimes it makes you think are you lazy? It's like no, I would. I don't mind doing the work, but also, what is the reward of it? I still want to feel like I'm getting what I need from doing all this work, because I know so many people working hard and they're still not ahead. They're still struggling. Two jobs are not enough. Everything is just not enough. And that makes you hesitant, where you just lose faith in why am I getting up every day? Why am I trying? And then you just kind of I don't want to say quit, but the strength that you need to get up and do it every day it just gets lost, cause you're just like what is this for?

Speaker 1: 11:07

What is the?

Speaker 2: 11:08

reason, I'm just. Yeah, I'm just here to get up and pay bills and wake up and do it all over again with people. I don't want to be around things.

Speaker 1: 11:15

I can't enjoy things I want to do People right now going with inflation and everything that's going on and mental health. I think everybody's just like existing at this point.

Speaker 2: 11:23

Like what are we?

Speaker 1: 11:24

doing.

Speaker 2: 11:25

And also, how do you do it? Cause formula of how it used to work. You don't, it's not working anymore. So now you're like well, this is what I know, this is what I've always done. When did it change? And how do I shift with it? And that's real talk. What do I do?

Speaker 3: 11:36

That was another thing about my anxiety. So like, okay, so you all know my background, you all my friends, I know my background. Like I had no problem getting a regular job before, like I can see my resume in. I'd have five interviews lined up. Because I took a different path for a little bit. There's a gap in my resume that I'm not. I'm just kind of like did I miss out on, like being able to catch myself in my net? And if that net is gone, what the fuck do I do now?

Speaker 1: 12:03

Can you not allow that fucking resume.

Speaker 3: 12:05

No, I mean, I mean, you know, but then just saying like these were the thoughts that was coming in the skills are still there, the skills are still there. Absolutely. The skills are still there, but when it comes down to like Nikki was saying about what used to work and what doesn't work, you know you go to a former employer. They're looking at like, okay, well, your last quote unquote real job was in 2016 and it's 2021, 2023. It's like what?

Speaker 1: 12:28

have you been doing? You think COVID happened Right. But in the I mean. That's the reality of the fact. You know what I mean.

Speaker 3: 12:35

Like for us that has freelance and have learned to like make money other ways, it doesn't make sense, yeah yeah, Creators especially, we're very confused because the formula of what we used to do for ourselves it's changed.

Speaker 2: 12:48

And it's like, how do I move with the change? You're trying to, but also just doesn't work for you, or you do, and it's still not working, but it's working for somewhere else and you're just like, well, what am I doing wrong? What do I need to do? And then, with social media, it's changing so much and it seems like to be it. It needs to be negative. Whatever is click baits, whatever is views, whatever is negative, whatever is get people rough feathers ruffle that's what seems to be at the top right now.

Speaker 2: 13:11

It's not even just your art can be good. You just go off that. You can't. It has to be controversial. You did something crazy and now people are seeing your shit and it's like. I don't like that feeling either. As an artist, I don't wanna be in the tabloids that way. I just wanna do what I do. I don't wanna be on the headlines for y'all to see in a crazy way. I don't want that.

Speaker 3: 13:27

I don't wanna be crazy.

Speaker 3: 13:28

I don't, and it's so funny because, like I was talking to Zion other day, we got into a deep conversation about how, like women, like I don't even wanna say good women and bad women, I don't wanna use those terms but they were talking about, like you know, women that are strippers or whatever the case may be, or like former hoes quote unquote Like sex workers Not necessarily sex workers, but, like you know, like the Cardi B's of the world. Like they came up and just kind of like it was just like when you have the woman that is working in government or whatever, or whatever the case may be. That's what I said. It's a tricky career.

Speaker 2: 14:00

Like career one You're coming up with, surely one of the most iconic Career. No, no, no, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 3: 14:04

It's like the duality of like whatever. But if you're like a regular woman, I keep using the quotes because I don't. It's not necessarily what I think.

Speaker 1: 14:12

It's just lack of a better terms.

Speaker 3: 14:13

I got what you're trying to say it's like women that don't have BBLs or are natural bodies and have like regular jobs.

Speaker 2: 14:19

Kind of vanilla, but not really vanilla Exactly.

Speaker 3: 14:22

They're getting pushed aside, even though those are good, good women, and they're teaching younger women that you gotta be scheming, every man is a trick and all this stuff like that. And, unfortunately, when we look on the TV and stuff like that, that's all you see. So, like, what are our daughters learning? You know what I mean? Like is the way you're gonna be maybe go to college or not go to college and it's like that's a tricky.

Speaker 2: 14:43

Yeah, that's why I've been hearing why sexy reds come up is so controversial to some people, because it's like even for a darker skin woman. You know, we have all these lighter skin women in rap that are getting pushed, you know, here because they're lighter skin and then if you bring out sexy, red or dark skin women, this is what's representing us. So it's like a controversial thing.

Speaker 3: 15:04

Comment. I mean, yeah, it's a thing, because it's like you know, like I'm, like, I'm scary. Are we winning Right?

Speaker 1: 15:12

But also, is that just for trading media, or is that real life?

Speaker 2: 15:15

Because I feel like in real life, social media, real life and the Perceptions are very different.

Speaker 3: 15:20

I mean that's relative, because if you think about it now, social media is real life to people Like and that is the relativity of it, because, like to us who have tread the line of without social media and with social media like we're the last of still knowing what a house phone is you know what I mean Still remembering what a telephone is. So we still have those kind of like memories of we can tread both, we can be ratchet.

Speaker 1: 15:47

We're old and we can do stuff like that. You know what I mean.

Speaker 3: 15:49

Like we can do that, but it's also to that there are girls coming up. Like these girls come up, that social media is their life, it is their life.

Speaker 3: 15:57

So it's like what's to say that? Like, like, how do we figure out that formula? Like, what is that formula for a quote, unquote regular girl, you know what I mean? Or a woman that is not BBL and doesn't look like that, or whatever the case may be, how do they feel like they can still win and still be loved and still be represented? And those are the things that people get challenged. When you are talking to yourself in the mirror, like that shit gets down, like I don't know what conversations y'all have with y'all selves, but you know, sometimes it's like I know that I'm pretty, I know that I'm smart and stuff like that, but I do know that if I had all of this and a fat ass, or a couple shades later, like you know what I mean.

Speaker 2: 16:39

A couple of shades later I'd be way further. Even if porn is different, I think the kind of sex that's expected in porn has changed because of sex work.

Speaker 1: 16:47

Like now men just come up to you and just look at your coochie and say squirt and it's like that's not how, that's not true, I'm like you ain't done nothing to turn me over and also, vagina Coochie just ain't gonna just be wet cause you say something and I know they've seen OnlyFansGirls and we're just squirting and peeing up a storm and they just think that's what it is.

Speaker 2: 17:03

So also like social media has also changed how sex is, even just dating everything yeah, it definitely has changed Things like ready microwave. Like, everything is supposed to be Instagram application. We all just want Instagram application. Yeah, chemistry is supposed to be there.

Speaker 1: 17:19

The vibe is supposed to be there. He ain't gotta do no work. I'm supposed to be just turned on and risked right, and music too.

Speaker 2: 17:24

Music is huge. Music hasn't a huge effect on dating and how men approach women, how they see women. And you know women are standing up and saying, I mean, it's supposed to be these podcasts coming up and it's always.

Speaker 1: 17:36

We can never just have healthy conversations, it's always men against women and the conversation of dating and broken. Who should pay for what? And the roles, and I'm just like damn why everything gotta be a battle.

Speaker 2: 17:46

I'm black and women against what it works for, how it works for you. It's not right around him. It's not right around you. Whatever works for you is how it works, do that.

Speaker 1: 17:52

Find somebody who's gonna believe whatever system. If you believe that men are supposed to pay all the bills and that's your life and that works for you, do that. There's a man out there that will pay all your bills, find him, marry him and shut the fuck up. If you believe there's a man that's supposed to be 50, 50, there's a girl out there, who's with that? Who's with that? Do that. It ain't me, shut up.

Speaker 3: 18:10

But there's a girl out there for you. I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired, but okay. So the next question I have is like why is it so hard to let things go, that your mind, your body and your soul is telling you to let go?

Speaker 1: 18:25

Change is scary and it's easy just to be comfortable being things that are familiar and things that we're used to. It's like, well, I don't wanna let this go, like I'm used to it, like I don't wanna start over, I don't wanna relearn. This is like dating you leave a part and it's like yeah, I'm tired.

Speaker 2: 18:46

I'm sick of this motherfucker.

Speaker 1: 18:48

We're young, we don't wanna who's your favorite color. What do you wanna do for?

Speaker 2: 18:51

fun, I'm gonna do that.

Speaker 3: 18:52

I don't wanna fucking answer those. I don't wanna do that, we're just tired. I wanna do it. I don't wanna do it, we're tired.

Speaker 1: 18:59

I literally had a fucking notes in my phone of copied and like answers I'm just talking copied from and I'm tired of like retryping this shield.

Speaker 2: 19:07

I'm not telling you to make up my favorite color. What do I have to do for fun? I'm tired of it. Go back, go back, go back In my notes.

Speaker 1: 19:14

I had notes of common questions that I get asked during our own dating apps. What do you like to do? For fun, I already had one copy paste.

Speaker 2: 19:21

Do you smoke a drink?

Speaker 1: 19:23

I had already answers. I was tired of answering those questions over and over and having to type out paragraphs and doing the same shit. Do you squirt?

Speaker 3: 19:29

Don't? I swear y'all Like we can never have a serious conversation after my girlfriend. My name is Squirt or they're Gucci. I understand no man, I just I mean everything's old.

Speaker 2: 19:40

You're over sexualized, you can't open Instagram now without a girl shaking her coochie and her ass.

Speaker 1: 19:44

I'm like God damn. No, it's funny that you so everything's hyper sexualized so it's so hard to not be horny because everything's fucking sex and we're just horny Right, but also everything's sex. Like you can't even turn on the TV without seeing sex. Everything's sex. Instagram my whole four you pages ass, how sway Ass. I mean, I'm not complaining, necessarily, but like Can I see something else?

Speaker 2: 20:08

Even as a sex worker. On my timeline I sometimes there's just so much porn Cause I know I'm a sex worker and obviously I do porn, I post it too. But I'm like sometimes I'm like, oh my God, I need to break.

Speaker 3: 20:17

It's too much. It's just porn, porn, porn.

Speaker 1: 20:18

Second date ass green Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt ass ass dick dick, dick and I'm just like oh my God, I just wanna see. No, I feel you on something else, that's probably why I don't wanna have kids. I don't wanna raise my kids in this mess. Raise kids in this mess.

Speaker 3: 20:29

I know I feel you on that. Like we were talking, like I tell you, I had some conversations this week. I was so much I was literally in my room that day, like under the cover, like I think I was in my bed under the cover for like 10 hours straight. Like I think I got up to pee, I got up to eat once and I was in the bed. We had a conversation, my partner and I like he's moving and we were talking about like how things were gonna work, and so I was just like his response was very realistic. My response was very emotional because there was things that like I wanted him to say, even though he was telling me the truth, and my brain understood but my heart couldn't because I wasn't hearing the things that I wanted to hear. And so, but in turn, once you know you sit, you know you sit on it for a little bit, it was what I needed to hear. You know what I mean. Like because it's like one thing that I can say about the guy that I'm dating now is very adult, like it's a very adult relationship that I haven't been in a while, where it's not like fight or flee. Just got to cut, like you really got to figure some shit out. And one of the things that he mentioned about what he wanted in his life versus what my life is, he was just like I don't like the fact that you're in the nightlife, like like I just you know, it's like you do it. He said I support it. Like he's like you're an entertainer, it's what you have to do, but it bothers me, he said, because in my life he's like. In my life I get up at five o'clock every morning, I eat healthy, I go to the gym, I'm in bed by nine o'clock and the way I want my life to be is not what you're like. I'm not stopping you and I know that's what you have to do, but how do we make that work? You know what I mean? Like how do we, especially now that we're so far away, because now we're in a two hour no time difference, it's like you'll be out. I can't really check on you now. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 3: 22:21

So it was like a lot of this and my thing was well, yeah, that's what I'm saying. And my thing was like I think my emotional state was I'm not trying to do this all over again with nobody, but I also don't want to sacrifice what I have to achieve based on what I know my purpose is. So how do I figure that out? So that was giving me a lot of turmoil because it wasn't like.

Speaker 3: 22:45

The conversation was very much like this, this, this, but, this, this, this, this but and I heard the butts as no, but his butt was like the butt. When he explained what his butts were, it was more so. The butts are, these are the things we have to figure out. Like these are big things, like there was a couple other things that I need to like, like the Vogue, but like his butts, my emotional state, her, his butts is no, but my logical and rational mind heard it.

Speaker 3: 23:15

As these are things that we have to work on, especially now that we are going to be in two separate states. How do we work these things out? Not saying that the doors close, but realistically, I know you and you know me. So what do we do here? So it was a lot. It was a lot because I had to ask myself, you know, in that state, like, am I willing to sacrifice a lot? Because I would be asking him to sacrifice a lot too, and I have been moving in life with no real sacrifices, especially in my relationships. It was what I want, what I'm going to do, and you have to deal with it.

Speaker 1: 23:57

Like you know what I mean.

Speaker 3: 23:58

But also, too, I've also never had anybody challenge me in a way to actually think about like, okay, I do want kids. You know what I mean. I don't necessarily think that they were necessarily afraid of me.

Speaker 1: 24:10

It was just more so like I didn't care enough. You're very, you're very. I tell you no because like you're very bad at that, like I'm, like I always say, like people say, I work, like how does Casey sell so much? Like she don't ask them what they want. She tell them what they want, like why she not asking?

Speaker 3: 24:27

I mean it's a gift, but you know what I mean like and it put a lot of perspective in me and had to have a conversation with me like, yes, I want to have a family. Yes, I want kids. Are my actions and the things that I'm doing currently is very, very, very induces to the life that I'm saying that I want to have. You know what I mean. So it was a lot, it was a lot to do with. I was like I don't know necessarily what the future holds. I don't have necessarily the answer yet, but that was a big conversation and that lead. That led into okay, what else are there holds in my life that I have to be completely honest with myself about, because something right now is a block. There's a block happening around me, and that goes for what we're surrounding ourselves with.

Speaker 3: 25:10

What are we doing in our spare time? How are we? What conversations are we having when we're with the people that we're with? Are they enriching our minds? Are they? What are we talking about? Businesses Are we talking about? What are we talking about? And that it really these past couple of days I've really been sitting in myself. I felt kind of crazy, but also felt like I was looking at me Like all right, this is it. Like this, is it because I'm not getting any younger, you know, I'm only getting, you know, moving. I'm not saying that being older will stop my life, but I do have to think about certain shit in this point in my life that I didn't have to five years ago, you know. And so, like I don't know, like have you guys had any like hard conversations you've had to have with yourself, or did you have to work, like have been working through lately?

Speaker 2: 26:02

Yeah, I mean like we all live in LA and, realistically, if we're gonna be real, we are just getting by. We don't have real money with any real assets or savings, like you know. So at our age, we have to think like, okay, how long do I wanna be here? What am I working towards? Do I wanna start building? Do I need to move somewhere else that's a little bit cheaper, cause LA is bad, expensive, it's.

Speaker 2: 26:25

I think I'm at a point where, even when I was gonna move, before I thought about moving with my boyfriend, I thought, okay, so if I stay here, what are you doing? You're gonna get another apartment that's overpriced. You're paying $40, $50,000 a year in rent to not own anything. Like what do you? You know what I mean Like, and it's which is fine, cause not everybody's goal is a house, depending on their lifestyle, cause I'm a very singular person. I don't know if I really want a house, but sometimes I think, hey, sometimes you it's not about you you think I want a house. So if someone else needs a space, I have that space to provide for them. So maybe I'm getting a house for that reason, if it's not family, or I got kids or whatever. So, yeah, like you really have to sit and just think like, okay, how long am I gonna do this?

Speaker 2: 27:03

I had fun, I've been here, so what am I doing now? Am I doing the work? Even though sometimes, immensely, it feels like we're doing the work, which drains us physically, we really didn't do anything. Just thinking about doing something is hard too, cause I'm like I get drained just from thinking what should I, what I should do, cause I'm like it's a lot, but I mean, or just even ways that I am a mirror of. Oh, maybe you could be this way, do you not? Maybe you didn't know you're this way. You don't mind not hearing that you're this way. Maybe it's the way someone told you, the way you were, that made you feel the way. With the conversations, with having car conversations too, it's just a lot. And, of course, when someone's saying something to us, we never want to hear anything about us. That's not pleasant.

Speaker 1: 27:43

It's always gonna make us feel salty like and and then later we'd be like die, die, die At the time and then, later when we sit on it.

Speaker 2: 27:49

we'd be like I do be tripping, I guess I do. I do Like.

Speaker 3: 27:52

I do, I do, I do.

Speaker 2: 27:54

Okay, I shouldn't have maybe did that.

Speaker 3: 27:56

I mean, I guess I mean they came with good facts.

Speaker 2: 27:59

They came with valid reasons Like they came with valid reasons and valid points. You do have to sit in that space to be like oh good, fuck, you be like. Well, I said no, I said I, and then you be like why do you have to say it like that?

Speaker 1: 28:10

When you would have had me like that I love her.

Speaker 2: 28:14

Why am I talking to my friend like that? I?

Speaker 1: 28:15

was like I don't even know. I don't even know, fuck up, cause I love these people.

Speaker 2: 28:19

So you just every which is good Like it's also good to become uncomfortable, cause we can get comfortable, and it's like no, we do have to get up, we do have to get uncomfortable sometimes to be in a comfortable state we want to be in, we have to learn to be uncomfortable and that's hard too.

Speaker 1: 28:32

Yeah, I feel like that's where I'm at right now, like I used to be this, like like constantly going, constantly go, getting constantly, you know, feeling like I had to do something, reach a goal or whatever, and I'm just like I'm tired.

Speaker 3: 28:45

I just want to chill sometimes.

Speaker 1: 28:46

So, like I moved to LA, I got, you know, got the things that I needed. Of course I hustled to do that, but then I was like I just want to enjoy life a little bit.

Speaker 2: 28:54

I want to travel a little bit.

Speaker 1: 28:55

I want to, just I'm like tired of feeling like a workhorse, yes, all the time. But then now I'm at the point like, all right, I've had a couple of years to chill, I also don't want to chill too long. And then I look up, I'm 45, 40, 45. And we waste a time. And I, because I use my young energy to be getting shit done, and I'm like, okay, so that's where I'm at. Now I'm like, all right, brianna, what are we doing? Like? What do I want to do long term? What is the goals Like?

Speaker 2: 29:20

hustled out now to smell the roses. I still want to have time to smell the roses.

Speaker 1: 29:24

So then, when I'm older, then I can like really chill.

Speaker 3: 29:27

Cause. Then he also brought up a point. He was just like until I met you, I told myself I would never date an artist. He was like it was just something about you. And I was like why would you do that? He was like because I always run into artists. You be at the bar, be a 50 year old artist. I'm like yeah, I'm an artist at the bar at 50.

Speaker 1: 29:43

He was like. I mean, I was like, and it's okay.

Speaker 3: 29:45

He was like it's okay, it's no judgment, but it's just like that's not what I would want in a wife. So this is kind of like what which I understand, and I'm not saying that I I'm not gonna be at no bar at 50 talking about my artist, Like shit's happening.

Speaker 2: 29:57

But it's like Does it depend on the succession of that artist? Like, does it matter? Is he speaking of someone that I think more so is finding the balance.

Speaker 1: 30:05

I think it's more so finding the balance of like if you're saying like, like, like.

Speaker 3: 30:11

one thing that I had to say. I was just like yes, I'm a singer, but I haven't really been booked for anything in a long time. My main focus has been this show, so I have to either make a decision on saying that this is my job, this is what I'm gonna pour all my energy into or keep keeping this same sad love song about what I thought I was supposed to be.

Speaker 1: 30:33

You know what I mean. And that is all hard. Sometimes you feel too swallow and that's all hard to swallow you know what I mean.

Speaker 3: 30:39

It's like what is motivating you and feeding you now? Are you holding on to what used to be and what? Yeah, I used to tour, yeah, I used to be booked, whatever. But that shit ain't happening right now. It's not happening like it was before and I feel like there is a part of me that is hoping that that'll pick up again. But there's also a part of me that also knows, if I have to be completely honest, that, yes, I love to perform, but that shit was stressful, like you know what I mean. Like I feel like I wasn't a void. I don't know if it was because, like I was always managing everything or whatever, and I couldn't necessarily truly live in the music I was always doing. But I also have to realize, kay, you were good at the management stuff. That's what made you push. To be completely honest, you can sell a cracker to a cockroach, you definitely got to get the bag.

Speaker 2: 31:29

I love the bag. A cracker to a cockroach.

Speaker 3: 31:31

You got to get the bag, but that was hard for me Like that was really like even just admitted it here on, you know, on air, as we call it. Even admitting that out loud on air took a lot for me to do that, maybe like not saying that I have to put music on the back burner, but like that's not what's providing for me anymore, that's not what is soul providing for me anymore. So I can't. I have to start walking in the fact that I produced this motherfucker, I create this motherfucker, I host this motherfucker and that's it. That's all, and that's what my life is right now and I have to push.

Speaker 3: 32:06

When you have something that you're trying to push, you have to push it, because if you have your hands and you're looking backwards, you are going to get left in that space, that void of doubt and pressure, because you're not even dealing with what's happening in front of you, you know. So that was like yeah, like I was, like I was like my friends was like well, you going to talk to me. I was like no, I need to talk when I can talk in real time and be authentic, because I couldn't talk to nobody the last couple of days, like I don't want to talk to nobody. Now I do have one more question. Do you think that guilt or manipulation plays in a part and ending something you no longer serves you.

Speaker 1: 32:46

Yeah, absolutely. Women definitely go through it a lot, as far as like being gaslit but not realizing that that's happening in the moment. And just for I know, for me like being, when I'm with somebody, as a natural nurturer that them feeling, oh, I'm going to be without you, I'm going to be by myself, you leave me. And when I was younger, I used to like tuggle my heart strings, like, oh, I'm abandoning them when they need me the most and, at the same time, like you causing me so much grief, like I can't even I can't even really be honestly be for you the way I need to be, because you're causing me so much grief. And so, but of course, looking, you know, hindsight is 2020, you see that manipulation and people are only do that because they know that that's going to. You know, get at you or. But I mean now it's really hard to guilt trip me Because I me personally, when I am in relationships, whether it's my friendships or relationships I love so hard and I give so much that when I decide that I'm no longer doing it, it's cause you had to really fuck that up.

Speaker 1: 34:03

You know, it's not like I'm just double dutching with it and holding it over your head. Oh, if you don't, if you don't, the one moment you don't make me happy, I'm snatching it back. I'm really giving myself. So the moment that I say I'm done, you can't guilt trip me in that, because, baby I, it took a lot for me to get there. So for me I now I realized that like guilt doesn't affect me as much because I know who I am and I know what I offer. When you don't know that necessarily and you don't know your power, it's easy to warp. You know and get and warp someone's mind around like what they're actually providing for you or whatever. I don't know.

Speaker 3: 34:41

Like it's funny, because that question was more so for me, because I realized that like well, I wouldn't say that I don't know, necessarily I do it in my friendships per se, but I definitely was doing it in my relationships A lot of them like definitely the guilt, definitely the manipulation and not manipulation as far as like they were manipulating you. No, then me them.

Speaker 2: 35:08

Really.

Speaker 1: 35:09

Me them.

Speaker 3: 35:10

Because it was like okay, so as a child I was a middle child, right, and then my brother and my sister would always be like your mom's favorite, whatever, whatever. And my mom did do a lot for me that she didn't do for, you know, my older sister or my brother or whatever, and I played that part. Like I played that part, well, I put myself I've created this, this box in this. What do you call it? This facade? I wouldn't call it a facade because I'm pretty honest and I'm pretty truthful, but I did create this side that it has to be this perfect picture. Like I have to look a certain way, I have to do things a certain way, I have to get this grade, I have to do this, I have to be a part of this, I have to be on this panel. Like it was a lot of, I guess, trying to hide what maybe my family wasn't as like, even though we live in a good neighborhood you know what I mean Like my mom wasn't that. You know my mom wasn't that. My grandmother was that, my mom wasn't that. So I leaned into that role because it made me easier to float through life. So I kind of used that throughout school and throughout relationships.

Speaker 3: 36:19

And when it came to relationships, it was always like, well, who are you gonna get better than me? I cook, I clean, I'm educated. You can go out there and get whatever you want, but you're not. You know what I mean. Or I would hold something. I would hold something over their head Like, well, I knew they needed me for this specific thing, so when they made me mad, I would take that thing away. You know what I mean. Like I did that, like I was guilty of that and as far as like the guilt was, it was very much of how could you leave me? I've done all of this for you. You know what I mean. And it's funny cause, like you all say, I'm this kumbaya, but like it took me a lot to get to be kumbaya because I had to chop up some things. That was not right, like you know, like even my last relationship, like I know I stayed in that relationship waiting because it was convenient for me. Like it was like you're going to do what I want you to do.

Speaker 2: 37:06

I have some it was a pandemic too right.

Speaker 3: 37:07

I mean it was a pandemic which was still convenient for me. Like you know what I mean. Like I had a whole other place, I had you know my own things going on, I had my friends, but it was still very much of you know who are you going to get better than me? You know I'm this, I'm that and you know. And then it was time to like kind of like break up you know what I mean. Like we would have broke up.

Speaker 2: 37:29

It's really being manipulative. I'm trying to find the way that you're manipulating it.

Speaker 3: 37:34

Well, it was more so manipulating cause. We should have broke up a long time ago, oh okay.

Speaker 3: 37:39

We should have, we, we, we, we. I would say we both showed signs. I wouldn't say he was just showing signs, but we were both showing signs that we weren't truly compatible. But when I would do it, I knew he would run back to me. When he would do it, I would guilt him. It's like, how are you going to leave me? I did this you know what I'm saying Because of that fear, because of that fear of you know, maybe it was a pandemic, like I ain't trying to be out here in these streets by myself. You know, like, who knows you better than me? You know what I mean, like, and at that time there was really nobody that knew him better than me. So he, out of his fear, stayed in a situation that probably wasn't. And out of my fear, it was kind of like he was willing to stay. No, it worked. It worked. I mean For George, damn it. I mean, I don't think, I don't necessarily think that it was bullying but like it was bullying.

Speaker 3: 38:28

It was bullying, little man, it was bullying.

Speaker 1: 38:30

It was really little bit. I don't think it was bullying.

Speaker 3: 38:32

I don't think it was bullying, but I also think that, like we definitely probably should have broke up before we broke up, you know what I mean. And I think we just both decided not just like, we're just not going to try to do it.

Speaker 1: 38:42

I mean even as the I broke up.

Speaker 3: 38:43

You still ain't really want to let it, yeah.

Speaker 1: 38:45

Cause you still had that like who you going to get better than me, which I get, cause I mean you are a great woman, cause you was doing a lot of things during the pandemic.

Speaker 3: 38:50

Well, I mean, yeah, I mean, but that's normal. I feel like the after the fact is a normal thing. Like you break up, you don't know if you're going to get back together. I don't think that was like oh well, oh, I disagree, I don't think so. I think it was normal. I think it was a normal. We're going to see what happens. And once I realized it wasn't going to happen, I was like bye, Like I'm going to call you, and I told him. I said this is done, Like if this is going on, this is going to be done, You'll never see me again. I've never seen him since. So it's just one of those things. So I mean, I mean, I mean, do you guys have anything else to say? You don't know. I'd like to leave a message, you know, to our viewers or to your younger selves, about having the hard conversations, and so what would be the message you guys would leave?

Speaker 2: 39:33

Be easy on yourself. Don't compare yourself to other lawns. It's not. The grass is not always greener on the other side. You know, we have no idea what people are going through what they do make. A lot of people do have fake turf and that's okay too.

Speaker 1: 39:46

The fake turf looks nice.

Speaker 2: 39:47

But I mean it doesn't mean that that's your journey. Just because it works for them doesn't mean it works for you. So be easy on yourself. You know I don't feel too envious of what other people are doing on their lawns because, again, the grass is not always good on the other side. But take note to maybe do different things to figure out what works for you, Because there's not only one answer, there's many different answers to make Shit float, Okay.

Speaker 1: 40:10

I would say it's okay to be comfortable and it's okay to not always be moving a mile a minute, but also, don't become too complacent, because then everything else around you will start moving past you and you will think that you're outgrowing them and they've been outgrowing you you don't have it's okay to outgrow things when you do.

Speaker 2: 40:39

Yeah, definitely, things people. But some people be like.

Speaker 1: 40:43

DT, I'm outgrowing, but no, you actually are the one that people don't resonate with anymore, because you are stagnant, you're not growing, you're not developing, you're not taking accountability and you think everybody else is just or also changing. I'm like no baby, you ain't changed. Yeah, you have to change. That's the problem. That's probably the way you need to change. So, you know, don't be complacent too long Again. Like I said, take that break. Like you said, don't beat yourself up. Take that mental health breaks and fuck that job. Sometimes, like you know.

Speaker 3: 41:11

I would say also to learn how to check yourself. Yeah, Like your people that love you. It's like one of those things people can see what's happening and you can't see it. It's like can you see your face without looking at a mirror? No, yeah, Like you can't, you can't. So I would say learn to check yourself, because I feel like you've lived in your body. You know all your memories, you can tell and divulge whatever information you want to tell to other people, but you know what's up. So take the time to check in with yourself and check yourself.

Speaker 2: 41:43

Except me, because I'm always right.

Speaker 3: 41:46

Bad girl. Don't check out my stuff. Don't check out my stuff, guys. On that note, we're gonna wrap this up and if you guys Get this off, and if you guys resonate anything that we were talking about, I would definitely especially on this topic, definitely, definitely, would love to hear some of your feedback. You'll know where to find us on all platforms Like subscribe, share all the good things and don't forget to say hi or if you need somebody to talk to you. This is what this is all about to have the conversation.

Speaker 3: 42:16

You can call me.

Speaker 1: 42:17

I know you can't call me, but you can email me though. No, we should do it. We should do an episode one day of us getting some emails or people talking. Read the stories.

Speaker 3: 42:25

Like, can we talk about that after I wrap up, bitch, this is the fucking podcast. You have conversations on a podcast? Ho, well, and that's it Like I said.

Speaker 1: 42:38

y'all can send us stuff. If you wanted to talk about stuff and need some advice, Y'all can drop an email.

Speaker 3: 42:43

She wanna do a telethon? Y'all. She wanna do a telethon, Like the fuck. I said 1-800-DESIT-DESSO. I'll give y'all Breonna's number at the end of this show. So I'mma, and that's a wrap, y'all Desi.

Speaker 3: 42:56

That's all Desit-Desso is written by me, kasey Carnage, and produced by myself and Rick Barrio-Dill. Associate Producer Brie Corrie, assistant Producer Larissa Donahoe, audio and Video Engineering and Studio Facilities provided by Slap Studios LA, with distribution through our collective for social progress and cultural expression, slap the Network. If you have any ideas for a show you want to hear or see, please email us at info at slapthepowercom and, as always, go to desertdassocom and sign up there to make sure you will never miss a thing. See you next show.