Banya Beatings w/ Kira Soltanovich

Laura and Daniel chat with the beautiful and hilarious, Kira Soltanovich. They discuss the dark nature of Russian Fairy Tales, the indomitable Rasputinic like nature of Kira's mother, Babushka's last beep, withstanding Joan Rivers, growing up in San Francisco, sneaking into stand up shows at 15, worst sets and Russian spas.

X:
@kiracomedy
Insta:
@kiracomedy
Website:
kiracomedy.com

BREAKING BREAD WITH TOM PAPA

WWTWH YouTube Channel

Laura Kightlinger
Twitter: @KingKightlinger
Insta: @laura_kightlinger
Web: laurakightlinger.com

Tony Camin:
Twitter: @tonycamin
Insta: @tony.camin
Web: tonycamin.com

MUSIC:
Jimmy Harry
Twitter: @bonsaimammal
Insta: @thejimmyharry
Web: jimmy harry.com

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

0:08

I want to say this real quick. Sultan Povich. I am worried. I'm worried. I'm worried that I'm going to say it wrong on top of everything. So part of it is. Just guessing. Like. Someone told us how to say our. Oh, yeah. And then I. Guess we're just guessing from what the previous generation guessed. Yeah. Someone you know, 500 years ago that has your last name is like. That is not how you. Oh, I know. It shouldn't be kicked in. Yeah. Exactly. We have this whole podcast is about us becoming friends with each other over the podcast. I love it, but one of my tricks of the trade. Yes. Our industry is as like a host. Sure. Where? It doesn't matter if I say no, it's. It's Kightlinger, right? I'll forget or fuck it up. So I talk on stage. You just have to do it like Oprah. Like I. Are just blur. It kind of into. I have that. I have someone take out all the vowels of my. Oh, my God. And they just, like, sell that time. It's. And then. And then he was mad at me. Oh, my God. I'm not going to get offended. Yeah. It's such a beautiful last name, But we should introduce you the brilliantly funny, beautiful and hilarious. Extremely hilarious. We've both been lucky enough to work with her on several stand up shows. Kira, it's hot out now. Soltanovich That's very. That's Russian, right? Yeah. Yeah, That's nice. I like that. Soviet. Beautiful. I'm Called the Romanoffs. I've read a lot. Oh, yeah, This one is. It's like the 200 year history of the dynasty or whatever, and it's epic. These people are fucking insane. Absolutely insane. And then I have a book of Russian fairy tales that are. It's ever read. But the Russian version is violent. I picture for you. My friends, that I grew up with in San Francisco, California. By the way, you you talk about Margaret. She and I went to the same high school. Oh, great. Different years, anyway. Ha ha ha ha. Going to be. Margaret. Um, but I grew up in San Francisco. I have this street of kids, you know, They were all, like, very Americana. Wanted to be like them. And I begged my parents to read me some sort of, you know, night night book. I mean, seven years old. All my friends at night, they would get tucked in and their parents would read them some cute little, you know, I think I can I think I care a story about, you know, perseverance. And my finally I wore them down and my mom was like, okay, I read you, good night. Everybody dies. Oh, oh. Oh, no. 100% true. Every Russian like a fairy tale or it's always some ghost leaves the house and leaves her kids. The end. Or a baby. A real life baby has been replaced with a goat. And a wolf comes along. Oh, man. Story. I regret it. So you know what, Mom? I'm good. Yeah. Oh, I'm good. Because it wasn't like Now, now. Goodnight. Sweet dreams are like. So you listen to me. You are like, baby, go. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh. That's awful. Everybody dies. But they also tell you gory detail version of how they died. Like, there's one where it's like the and the prince and the princess. And in this story, the prince is stolen and replaced with a cat. Oh, no. The cat has a moon on its back and a sun on its chest, which proves it's magic. Wow. So at the end of it, whatever. Everybody's replaced. The prince and the princess live happily ever after and literally the last paragraph goes. And as for the witch who is drawn, of course, she's dragged by a horse. Oh. And they're like, We're glad she lost her limb. And when the horse rounded a tree, she lost her head. And it ends that. Wow. You just described. I did a similar thing with, like, I read a bedtime story, but mine was. yelled and spent enough time with me, which was bullshit anyway, but it was just an attention grabber. But they manifested that into game night mind. But as a kid, I didn't really want puzzles together like, fuck, I. Did this to. This doesn't feel like a game night that feels like someone got the chicken pox. Yeah. Yeah. Consequence room and do it. Your mom gives you, like, a bedtime night. Goodnight stories to your children. I read to my eight year old. Still, she can read. Hmm. Great reader, but she loves that. Like, sit down. But that's the thing, is that, you know, you can't. Look, I make a joke about her on stage. I wore my kids a lot in the little baby carrier. Mm hmm. You know, like, all the time. Whatever I was doing, if they were asleep or even if they were awake, I'm wearing them. They're on my chest skin to skin. And my mom said to me. You're going to ruin these kids. Because you say to them, I love you. Like, Oh, and you're. Always wear them. You read books. And you know what? She's right. Yeah. No, no, no. I thought you were going to say that your eight year old still breastfeeds, and then I'm going to have to. I'd have to check out of the room. On the pump. You know. Now it's like you have to do it every night. Hmm. Punk. No. PA, bedtime. The bedtime story. At this point, I'm like, can you just get yourself. Oh, I got to get dressed. I'm going to the Laugh Factory wants to make drunk people like her. Yeah, And, you know, that's. And so my mom was a little bit right. I said to my mom, Did you hear yourself? You said, I. I say, I love you too much. Yeah. Yeah. And you never did that. Mm mm. Can you hear why that's wrong? Yeah. And what does she say? She starts a voice like a wolf and tries to kill ya. Okay, that makes sense. But you don't think because, like, especially for Christmas, right? This year, it's like I have a boyfriend and my sister has kids, and it's always different scheduling. And my mom's like, you know, it doesn't matter if we're all here on the 25th of Christmas. It can happen any time. It's just it's not the day. Mm hmm. Oh, good. New rule. I'm 41 like that. That's it. In the 40th plus decade, it was like, that's 25th. Why aren't you. Here? That's very progressive. That's. I'm impressed. Yeah, it took her to her 70. That's. Yeah, forever. She gets to. 80. my aunt had three kids and I used to stay with them. And my aunt never said, I love you to any of the kids, and they're all fucked up. They're all really, you know. And my and my mom had that. My aunt had the conversation with my mother that your mother had with you. she said, you know, you always say, I love you too, too Laura. She's going to be, you know, too clingy, you know, whatever. And it's like I'm five and I'm staying with a bunch of animals at your house. Ron Kids and her siblings couldn't call my grandfather. They couldn't call him dad. They had to call by his first name. Huh? Your grandfather's. Room? Yeah. Oh. Oh, isn't that strange? Yeah. They don't want to come, Dad. He didn't want because he didn't want to be called Dad. He didn't want to be called Dad. They all called. This nice. Arrangement or something. And as a result. Yeah, I mean, it wasn't like he was a stepdad or any kind of weird resistant to other than he just. Well, I couldn't. I couldn't call my dad, Dad, because he was somebody else's dad. My dad was married to somebody else. Well, you know, you know, that whole boring story. I mean, but, you know, Kira, the last time we talked, it was on your podcast and you said your mom was kind of like, is she doing better? You said your mom was kind of in bad shape or something. Well. Okay, she will not die. So I love you. You're like with so many friends, I find myself saying, why didn't I ask that? I know that I shouldn't be asking how is someone? Because I know it's going to be bad. But with you, you make it fun. I don't know what to do. Holding on to something in this realm. Yeah, yeah. In this dimension. She's been in hospice, and when someone goes into hospice, usually, yeah. It's like, look, this is where they are right now and it's maybe a couple of weeks. Maybe a month. Yeah. They say a month to. Be nice year. Two years. Because like Jimmy. She's beating the system. That's great. She's really okay. You know. the reason I can joke about it, because I really have said my goodbyes. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. But to her right. This is going to sound so I know whoever is listening is. Not judging this. I sent my grandmother off. I allowed her to die. Grandmother was 101. Wow. It's. You did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, and she also strangely made us call her Tom. I don't know. Oh, wait a second. So if you don't admit to being a parent, you can live longer. It sounds like. You know what? You. You when she's, like, in the hospital, my dad calls me. I'm driving up to San Francisco. He's like, I don't think she has much longer. I drive to San Francisco, and the nurses are all like, looking at us. They give you that look. And so we know my cousin cannot stand it. Oh. Oh, So we're watching that. Beep, beep. What's that? A shock? You know what I mean? We're watching it. Yeah. The heart starts to go slower and the nurses are, like, preparing us. It was very sweet. They were like, I just want to let you know if you want to hold her hand. Yeah. My cousin jumps into the bed. Ha! No, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. Her heart goes, Baby, baby comes back. She can't bring her back. Oh, no. Oh, my dad's crying. Like, uh. It's like. And then my dad walks out to the hallway and he's calling cousins to tell them he's crying. Wow. My cousin goes downstairs to smoke a cigaret, which eventually ended up. Killing her, too. And so to. Smoke a cigaret and my dad's in the hallway and I hold my grandmother's ham. I go. Go now. No. Yeah, yeah. They're not here. Yeah, it's okay. Go. Yeah. And, I watched the thing. Yeah. What to look for. Yeah, yeah. And she's slowing down again. Is it just. A heart monitor. What is it called. Oh yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I like that. Daniel. I'm on that now. It's like a supermarket sweep. Yeah. Oh, God. Swings open. Yeah, because a nurse came in, and as the door swings open, I see the elevator. I have a perfect, like, island view of the elevator. It opens. My cousin's coming back. She's talking to my dad. I see them coming back into the room, and I go. Go, go, go. Oh, man. I start stressing my grandmother out. And Diane, quick, quick, quick. Go, go, go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that happened three times like that. Wow. I had to. For her out. Yeah. But that was nice. But feel like Yeah. You're not doing them any favors because it's like, be released I. Gave her whole life back to. Her. Yeah. I was like, when you were born, you know, your mother had to go to the hospital on a horse. Yeah. Through this war. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I gave her to her whole life. Yeah. Yeah. You know. Reminder that things are getting worse and worse. Now. Listen, nothing's changed. You might as well just check out. You know that that's. Like, now and then was in the hospital, um, like, brain damage all day. So I was like, she wasn't whatever, in a coma, whatever you call it, but I was there. And then eventually it was like we were going to like this. So it was the same kind of thing where it was like there was a stand off her. My aunt, who they fought all the time, like, insistent on being there, like slept over in the night. Right? So we know everybody else had to go home. I figured an answer to that would stay there. And it was funny for like two weeks. My mom was like, Nancy, you have to, like, leave. You have to go home. So she did. And my mom was on watch, and that's when my grandmother died. I was like, Of course she did. She wasn't going to go on there. Oh, sorry. Like. That's what happened. Mom, you can go. I gave her, like. Soliloquy. Yeah, I go home. And you're like, Yeah, it'll work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's in. Is she near where you live? Or like, I moved her close to me. Yeah. She lived in five different places in a span of two years. That's intense. When she was cognitive. Yeah, she was show up to, like, a nursing home or whatever. And she did, like, everyone here is trying to poison me. Oh, I have to. Talk her out of it, and I have to do this. And then I pack her up, and because I have guilt. Sure. I'd pick her up and move her somewhere else. And then that place, they were all trying to kill her, too. Oh, jeez. You know, finally she's, like, declined so much, you know, she doesn't complain. Yeah. Yeah. I sleep with her eyes closed every day. Yeah. Quality of life. Yeah. You like to let them go? Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, if anybody's terminally ill and kind of on the fence, curious Antonovich will be available to. To talk you into the next life. I will. Oh, so this is a first. Very relevant, I swear. So I know you worked with Joan Rivers, and I want to ask you one. Oh, yeah, So you worked it. It was called. How did you get so rich? Yes. Which I remember. I remember the show. It was like, wow, TV Amazing. Was like, just silly shows. Yeah. Lifestyle and Joan. for sure. Workaholic, I'm sure, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Documentary. I mean her schedule we would get her schedule and it would be like, 7 a.m. Joan leaves from Newark because she did QVC at 6 a.m. Wow. I realize you have it. I have a picture in the Sherri Shepherd dressing room at the Rivers dressing room. And there are calendar pages frame. Wow. How intense it was. Wow. Oh, commercial. Wow, wow. Thank you. Work. She's to Vegas. And then we would the crew would fly into Vegas. Yeah. She's performing that night in Vegas. Wow. QVC with all her necklaces. Him in Newark. Wow. And then go straight to the airport and fly to Vegas, shoot with us, and then perform that night. Wow. And kill. And kill. Yeah. And then the next day we would either shoot again, get on an airplane and fly to wherever to do another thing. and then we'd meet her on Florida. Oh. Amazing. Why? Said about people who have curious ways of becoming billionaires. Yeah. Oh, Duck Dynasty. Duck Hall. Yeah. How cool. And so was was part of her wealth due to like her own line of clothes and jewelry and stuff or. Oh, really good. Wow. Talking about it. It's like, thank God for QVC. And did you know how funny you were. so we thought it was. Interesting So this is an interesting story. So when I think of Joan, I think of like how I wrote for Joan Rivers. Oh my God. And then at the same, like, right at the same moment, I go. Fucking Joan Rivers. Yeah, I think she was. Oh, of course I had. I yeah. I had a very tiny, tiny second with her. What on the red carpet with, Jack, Jack Black and. Oh yeah. I'm sorry. No we didn't. Because you love her so much. I didn't think I could. I think I would not have never been on a red carpet thing before. I had, Monique Lhuillier gown on, but I was so nervous about meeting her, I forgot what I was wearing. And she said, okay, what were you wearing? And I said, Oh, well, you know, it's not mine. I borrowed. Everything's borrowed. What are you wearing? And I said, she goes, I'm not going to look at your tag. And then I just kept walking. I know. Yeah, I know. She was busy. She had bigger stars to fry. And I was just wandering through because I was with Jack. And so. But she must have known you from the me. No, no, I don't think so. No. Well, this was like 2005. 2006. I don't know. I was around. I know. I. I know. Well, thanks. Thank you. But she didn't. But anyway, I keep interrupting, but I wanted to hear why you thought she was so mean. What did she say to you? I didn't mean it. Well, it's a long story. Going again. No, no, no. It's not that long. So it was a show where we go into people's homes. Yeah, we walk into their eight car garage. Yeah, the mega mansion. One guy that owns Treasure Island in Vegas, we walked onto his 767. Wow, wow, wow, wow. He got in the whole thing and he made it like a beautiful it has, like, bedrooms and jacuzzi house. And it was incredible. Wow. So we would go ahead of time. There was another writer and myself. Two of us. Amazing. We get there and we start looking around like I could write a joke about this. Okay, I'll make fun of it. Oh, yeah. Okay. Let me ask about this painting. And you just wrote jokes. Oh, wow. That's great. Yeah. Every single week, the other writer got fired. Oh. Not you, Not me. But I always thought it was me. Yeah. Well, this is the week. It's my. Oh, no, that's too much stressed week. Wow. Like, I would show up. It's Monday again, and we are in wherever, you. Know. And. And we were like, in Texas or whatever. And there's a new guy and I'm like, Oh, hey, I'm curious. He's like, I'm Steve. I how. Good luck, Steve. I don't get comfortable that. Steve was gone. Oh, I did Georgia and I had arrived. I'm like, Where's the other writer? What His name is like, Oh, Dave. Every week. Wow. There was a feeling of, like, first of all, uneasiness constantly. Yeah, Yeah, I was pregnant. Oh, no. First kid. Oh, well, nobody knew it was the first time about it. Yeah. Yeah. You couldn't. I didn't want to. I'm very superstitious. Right, okay. But I wanted to vomit. All Oh. So every week, Joan had a different way that she wanted the jokes pitched to her. You know, one day, she's, like, whispered in my ear, you know. Like, okay. While you're shooting. Yeah. They'll cut around her. Oh, how great. Like, hold. Up a cue card. You know? Oh, it was like, print her out the jokes. So it was very like, what is she going to want now? One day I'm on my hands and knees and have I had a black sharpie on my hands? I'm writing. Today's the day. She wants cue cards and the Sharpie smell. Um. Oh, my God. It makes me want to vomit. Oh, I just hear, like, you know. Clicking on her shoes. On, like, this marble floor in this gorgeous house we're in. And she walks over and she. Clicks the cue card and she. Goes right bigger. Oh, my. God. Oh, no. And I almost. Lost it together. But I was very hormonal. Yeah. And I just was like, you know what? Maybe I get fired this week. Yeah, maybe it's me. And then it wasn't again, and I just. Kept hanging on. But you have miscarried, and I don't know if that was worth it. I don't know if working with Joan Rivers is worth a brand. Oh, my God. No, I. We were shooting in L.A. the following week. Mm hmm. Is there. Is there any kind of mode where you're like, okay, Because she is like, legends, right? That is play any part where you like. I shouldn't say anything. One. Hundred percent. But one day I did. Oh, good. We're sure I want. I want women to fight back. I got. Damn it. Good. At this point, I assumed I'm next. I just. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, and I'm very hormonal and I can't talk about it to anybody. I want anyone to be like, Oh, we'll treat you differently, you know? Yeah. You don't want to. Yeah. No, I don't. Hire chicks because. They get. Yeah, we are. She, you know, the guy that invented bedhead hair products. Yeah. Okay. His beautiful house up overlooking, you know, somewhere like overlooking Hollywood. Okay, about sunset. Oh, it's gorgeous. It's amazing. It's beautiful. And she got angry about a joke that I pitched, and I go, I mean, maybe I shouldn't say this, but I said, okay, just don't say it. Uh huh. Yeah, right. Uh huh. And she didn't like that I said that to her. Uh huh. And I was like, she said, Well, you got to write something better. And I go, I get it. I will. I'm going to go right now. Let me think of something right now. But in the meantime, let's move on. Yeah, She got mad kind of directing. I wasn't trying to. Yeah, Yeah. Get out of this situation. Hmm. I admit, maybe I didn't do it correctly and she got a little bit more angry, and I said, I don't see what the big deal is right now. Uh huh. And she goes, Well, it is a big deal. And I said, No, Joan. Oh, no, Yeah, it's. Not a big deal. And I turned around and I left. Huh? Now, that is so intense. I know the E.P.. That's why I was hired. He knows me. He's, you know, very close with Joan. And I looked at him, and I go, I know, I'm sorry. But he was like, Okay. Ha ha. After that, she was my best friend. What exactly? Exactly A best friend. And I had to leave early because I told them when the shooting started, guys, I have some road gigs. I cannot move. I'm just letting you know. So when she found out I was leaving early, she was like, Why? I'm so upset? Oh, no, don't leave early. I stayed for the entire season. Uh, and like, our very last shoot was somewhere in Florida. A lot of millionaires who got rich selling like doggy pads. Yeah, I moved to Florida, just like, you know. So we're in Florida again. It's like the third time, and she and I are hugging and she's like, Oh, I'm going to miss you and good luck to you best friends. Damn. She overstepped. I don't think she did. Because you stood up to. Maybe I stood up to her mate. I have no idea what's shifted. I never want to ask her. I think something. Is sounded like that you stood up to her. That's like in a movie. That's like a dream. Like, I like if somebody says, I want. Your opinion, What's wrong with this? company or this? And then you say, Well, this sucks, this is and you need to do this. And it. then they go, You know what? You're right. Like that sort of thing. That's that kind of example. I know. That's so amazing. Yeah. Happened. And then we were driving the van together whenever we were traveling or driving to the airport, and I'm cracking jokes, you know, like that moment in the van where you have a superstar and you can say something and then they laugh and then. and then she would laugh huge. And then she. One of my jokes in her show. Yeah. I know. Have people think I'm like, I do my set and I leave. Yeah. A single thing I say to one comedian and it. Wasn't. My personal joke. I want to make sure No joke I wrote. For the show. Oh, nice. I remember. I won. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had brain, baby brain. You were, like. Watching her show, and you're. Like. Well, we were shooting in Vegas, and we. I wrote all these jokes. I would write a hundred jokes for, like, one house. Wow. A weird wallpaper. But what am I supposed to do, right? Yeah, I give her all these, and then she's like, This is so funny. I'm going to use it tonight. And I go, Okay, I can argue. That's amazing. She Did she use it on stage? Oh, that's great. Yeah. So that's why it's a long story because it is kind of there's nuance in my relationship with Joan and I. I wish that she was still around. Yeah, I would be able to actually continue that. had a moment like that a long, long time ago when I first started doing standup in Boston, I had this joke about, well, you know, I heard in New York that people are being killed for their coats. And I don't think that's right. I think if you're going to kill someone for their coat, you should eat them, too. And Bill Hicks came up to me and said, that's a good joke. And I was like, okay, I can die tomorrow. That's all I care. And it's really not that good of a joke, but I mean, just that he somebody noticed it really means something appeared. Yeah. So it's a unique, unique voice when you do your jokes. No one can copy that. Hmm. Thank you. It makes sense coming from you. That's probably also where that compliment stemmed from. Oh, he's also saying you have a unique voice. Yeah. Something different that not everybody. I want you to read me a bedtime story. I think you're a lot more comforting, definitely, than your mother. But Then most people, you have a really sweet. I mean, I know, like, you're rough and tough, but you have a super sweet side to you, too. Like, you're a big hearted person. You can tell. Comics would be good psychiatrist or therapist or. You. Definitely 100%. I think you're so funny that it would be like a welcome presence to be able to help someone and be funny, you know, like, like in a one on one situation. But don't you think we're doing that on stage? We're helping people see the world like, Hey, my relationship with my dad, Seth, what about yours? Yeah, Yeah. And we're kind of helping them see, like, Oh, yeah, that that's true. Curmudgeon Yeah, Yeah. Why does that happen? Right? I think we. would make a good therapist. Yeah, well. I feel like I'm helping myself mostly on stage, but just having somebody to talk to. Could make a good therapist. Has the narcissist. Because I do feel the same way. There was one time I did a show in Dallas where I'm probably all family game and all my sister's friends, all this bullshit, but it was my dad's like college roommate from the sixties who's super gay. Oh, he's he's he's been in, like, 202 live theater productions. Oh, wow. That's incredible. Yeah. Six years. Anyway, so he's. Made dozens of dollars. He's exactly. A few dinner. Jacket. He was at the show, right? Old school, gay. And I was just up there the whole time, and, like, that was the only time for him. He was like, I have it like this hard years and all this stuff. And it was just like this weird, like, singular moment of pride. I was like, Cool. Yeah. You had a breakthrough kind of thing, you know? So I do think it does happen. Of course. But like, the same thing happened to me. If I'm, like, tripping at a Bjork concert, which is still an old person thing to do. Young people are not at your country well. But do you see where I thought you were? 23 and a half? Because I'm immature. No. You look like a kid. Is y to. You? For sure do. But they were put in pajamas. Because you came in in a diaper and you're not that kind of old ivory wear in. The in the front carrying baby. I was like, we? I wanted to ask about high school in San Francisco. Oh, yes. That's a crazy place to grow up. One of the best places. Yeah. Now, I don't want to get political. Yeah. On this podcast. But you hate Jews. Okay? I don't blame you. I care about me too. I'm half Oromo. Not really. And my dad was full. My dad was a full Jew. He is, can I say full blown Jew? My mom's not though. My mom is German and Swedish and a bunch of other shit. Pekinese. Yeah. I don't know. My No, so I'm not. And you know what? I know you are. What if you can choose, you can identify. And then I think it's all about. Yeah. Yeah. I'm the bottom half, I think. See, that's what I say. People just think I'm Jewish because my bushes are painted here. LGBT Jew. Okay, I like that idea. Okay, thank you. My question. Is, is that San Francisco now is so different from when I grew. Up. Um. Heart breaking. Uh, I was just up a few weeks ago, and it's unrecognizable. Uh, so, I want people to understand why is this there, Cisco? I mean, late seventies, eighties, 90, and then I went to college, so I went to School of the Arts. Mm hmm. Fantastic. Yeah. So you had fun? Was it like, fame? Like the older. not older. Be original fame. Yeah. The kids were dancing in the halls and lockers. Really? That was extra credit. I, I would love that to be true. Well, the whole Joan Rivers thing, I think you're kind of magical now. I don't like that. Yeah. No, it was an. Amazing place to grow up. you know, my street again, a lot of kids, a lot of families. But there was a school bus stop that we would walk to. Yeah. To take us to school. We only did that on rainy days, by the way. We had to walk a mile. Yeah. And now my kids, you know, I have like a radar up there. On my phone. Would you let your kids take the same route? Walk it? Absolutely not. Yeah. Yeah, So. Many. First of all, all the streets are on hills and turns. You can't see the car. Oh, God. Why not? Anyways, But we would stay waiting for the school bus. And then the, you know, the Japanese mother on the street would come out and be like, You kids look hungry, and she'd be Japanese treat. You know, my Russian mom didn't do shit, but like, you know, the whatever mom do it all these different, you know, I mean the Vietnamese mom was like, Here, we want to have a little thing. We fed all these, like, different foods from around the world. Amazing. Where else do you go? Uh. Our cities there are multicolored rural and cosmopolitan and metropolitan, all that. But San Francisco was just so unique, and my husband still doesn't understand that. I grew up in the city. He thinks where the cable cars go is the city. Yeah, And then I'm in some sort of. No, there are home. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. There's a whole. Yeah. Looks like suburbia. It's not. Yeah, it's like over Presidio. Yeah. Or like south of that. Do you have sisters and brothers that you went to school with? Yeah. Deep. Not as cool. Not as cool. My brother passed away. Oh, I'm sorry. 38 Know from a heart attack. Holy cow. I know. I'm sorry. It's just me. Mm hmm. Which is also. That was okay. So that was like, 20 years. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then we obviously, I don't know, not to get into it, but know, like, if that's a genetic thing or you're like. Well. Thankfully we have different dads. Really? Really. I did, right. Wait a second, kids, Do you. Oh, my God. Okay. Everything I'm. Saying is. Because I think I don't know anything about my. My dad had a heart attack at 58, so I don't know anything about anyone in his family. You're like his your half Jewish heart. Yeah. Yeah. Like, so my going to, like, whatever I think I, I've already had my aneurysm so I'm probably. But like Margaret Cho I work with as she talks about growing up and. Where she grew it. I mean, it was. Y y. Y because that part of town was like, you know, it was just like happening. It was like it was nightlife where she grew up. I was like, well, I don't know where specifically, but I know where her parents store was. Right on Polk Yes. I know that area very well. And, you know, those are the kind of friends I had, like, my Asian friend's parents owned a burrito shop, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Burrito. Yeah, I agree with you. They came to this country. They were like, We're opening a business immediately. Yeah, like, we're going to Mexico to learn English, and we're opening up our own business. Yeah. Can you? Yeah. We were in San Francisco. Don't ask me where. Maybe Richmond. Richmond we were at. There's a place nearby called Yankee, and they sell crepes. It's a crate full of ice cream. Oh, my gosh. Chop up like a slice of cheesecake, and I slam that on top. I know you're no sugar. And it sounds like heaven, like. Basic whipped cream as well. Also, some toys. But that sounds incredible, though. It's like that's one of it's like, so delicious. But like your comment as if it was. A city was honestly magical. Yeah. When we were kids, we sure there were there were weird parts and oh, yeah, you know, but no one was taking a dump, like on your front stoop. Yeah, just, you know, our homeless. You had to do that yourself, right. General question And maybe just because I live in Los Angeles, but I was just in New York, is there more fecal matter on the streets than there used to be, or is it? I remember walking around when I was in Manhattan the nineties when I started really started doing stand up regularly and I lived on 17th Street. I don't remember seeing anything but bird shit. I'm like, ah, is that people have more dogs? Is it like there's. Oh no, no. Those are their bowels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. It's like not to be super gross, but. Yeah, I. Was lucky enough to go to San Francisco at least in the nineties and see that it was a beautiful. Yeah. And like, yeah, it had, it's like the homeless population prevalent, but it was like different. It was different. Like these were people that were like, Look. I don't want to talk about it. Ha ha. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very much like it was. It was earned. It was really, really earned. I deserve to take a shit right here, wherever I want. Even though it was very much like that. Had, like, a shrine. We just, I moved here because my parents in Sacramento and wouldn't let me do fentanyl. So. Uh huh. Macy's is. Letting me be. Their. Vestibule. Oh, damn it. Yeah. True, though, because she's so stunning, right? On all kinds of levels. So to see it lose its like spirit or whatever, so. But you met her in the nineties. Yeah. Yeah it was Yeah. Cobbs and that. Yeah. The the punch line And what else do we have. There is a beautiful theater and I hate the name of it, It was called Bimbos and I did a special there and then that is just. Yeah. A holy city zoo. That was like the place everybody talked about like. Yeah. Stand up. Yeah, yeah Coke in the parking lot and then perform on stage in, like, a lather. Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. So I. As a kid would sneak into comedy. Club. Wow. I was about 14. Amazing. Like, why? Oh, I knew when I was five, you know. Our family, friends, some fellow Soviets to Robin Williams, How to speak Russian from Moscow on the Hudson. Whoa. Oh. So I understood who he was, and I knew. And then I was like, Hold on, hold on. That's Mork from. Yeah. My parents were like, Yes, this is. But that's what I want to be. I want to sit on a couch using my head instead of my butt. But it was what I thought as funny. Oh, that's right. I thought that was genius. Yeah, because Mork was always. On his head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I knew at five, and I told my parents at five, Hmm, I want to do it. But Mork for work days. And they said, Shut up and sit. We weren't even we weren't even citizens yet, Uh, until I was eight or nine, we became citizens. They were on. Edge. Oh, I'm sure that's right. Yeah. You don't get proper government service. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. School like. Yeah, they were going over their shoulders. And then when became citizens, they loosened up a little. Oh, yeah, Yeah. They were like. Okay, it's. Everything's okay. Oh. We, you know, we had to, like, really watch our P's and Q's when I. Was a kid. Oh, sure. And so when I said stuff like that, they were like, You don't even understand. Yeah, you tomorrow. Oh, I go back to the Soviet Union and just be lucky if you're not pregnant at 17. So yeah. And so I knew as a kid I cut school one day with my friend Rachel Dan and we went and bought tickets for My Little Pony came out and because we were 12, sure made a left and instead went inside delirious. Oh, like on purpose. They were like, whatever it was, it like we. Couldn't buy tickets? Yes, it was rated R. The My Little Pony was, was a red herring. But I mean, it was perfectly timed. Oh, man. One of those moments. Yeah, it was like a movie ticket. And then we went down the wrong. Wait and went inside. How cruel. I go. Do you want to come with me? I'm going to cut school today. And this movie just came out and he's like a huge stand up comic and I want to be a comic. Oh, wow. You're going to have to ask her twice to cut school. Yeah. Incredible. That's a good friend to have. Yeah. I don't want to be here. So we left and we went to go see this movie. And the whole time I'm watching it, she's dying. She's laughing. I'm laughing, too. But I was already a comic. I was watching it like the way comics watch comedy are amazing. I see what you did there. Hmm. That was smart. And it was racist and homophobic and politically incorrect. Yeah. Yeah. We did that now. But at the time, we all just laughed. Oh, yeah. And then I went and sat over and. Oh, wow. Then Blockbuster. Uh huh. Uh huh. I would take whatever. It's a happy, happy Christmas movie. Take that and put raw inside and hope that they didn't because sometimes they didn't open. So people have to really fast. I don't know if anyone is young enough to remember. It was that you would have the box. The VHS cover. On a shelf. You would go to the front and might turn into rent and you would switch the tape. So even before. That, uh huh. Blockbuster trusted people enough and that the tape was inside. Okay. Yeah, the tape was you. Were the reason they. The tape was inside. Maybe it was not a blockbuster yet. That store turned into a blockbuster. It might have been a mom and pop shop. A video and. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you know, I forget the name now, but. Yeah. So I would switch them out and I would take raw home. But it was kind of like, you know, Mary Poppins. Sure. Yeah. It's amazing that that's how I mean, I just knew. I just knew so early on it, you know, for me to comedy. Clubs, I felt the same way when I saw the back of Hurricane. But I saw Joan Rivers live for the first time. That was the first time I was like, I think I want to do stand up because it was the same thing where everybody else was losing their minds and I was too. But and just for very different reason. And I was like, you just analyze and dissect and and you're watching it, thinking this is a real. It's a joke. Yeah. But Delirious is the one, I think, where he walks out and he's in the red. There's that. The velvet. I'm not I mean, the red leather. Uh, I think that's raw. I think one of them is the first line where he walks out, uh, he makes a fagot joke. I forget which one. Well, he made a. Lot, but he's like, I don't want no fagot looking at my ass. I think that's the line. Yes. Oh, the place goes. Crazy. Crazy. Uh, he had to apologize like a couple generations for that. Oh, she's so annoying. He's like, the latest group of young people are like Eddie Murphy Fagot and the special in the eighties. It's like, Yeah, but he got dressed in the nineties. Do you know what I mean? Like, he's already been. Yeah. Your thoughts on that? Because I'm curious. I comedy doesn't ever age Well depending. Fagot is a derogatory word they gay men are murdered too. It's also an old word. I say it you know I sound old and I also use it a lot as a punch line from a straight guy. It's offensive for just that reason. It's usually straight guys that have called us fagots for not helpful reasons, but it is, when it comes from a straight dude. Yeah, yeah, 100%. It matters what the intent is. Yeah. I get no joy out of saying any words that I know. And I know the comics were bad on me on this, but if someone is going to be sad in a comedy show. Yeah, what is the. Point of me? Yeah. That's not why I'm here now. Yes, I'm going to always please everybody. Absolutely not. Right. But that's because maybe I've written a joke that you don't find funny or you're like, Well, I was beaten as a kid, so don't joke about hitting kids or Yeah, I can't help it if I did it like I'd never desired. Yeah use yeah to offend. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I like to say the word slutty horror once in a while, but I'm speaking from experience different. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have any desire to say that, but I am really, like, curious. Like, do we make Eddie Murphy apologize? Do we make. Him? He has. Yeah. Yeah. But, like, do we use it as an example? Like, do we go down the line and say, Okay, Andrew, Dice Clay, you're next. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go down and make every single person. But people now should be more aware at least. I mean, like, I guess it was Kevin Hart said something that was, like. About to have a gay. Son. Yeah. And then. And I think he. Got canceled for that. Like, Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then there was he could have the Oscars, right? Yeah. Yeah. They took it away. Okay, this is a great example. Should you get that taken away from you? That job, that big huge you know, opportunity because seven years ago you said something. I don't think it's right. Yeah, I agree with him. But I also feel like, God, have we always said the right thing. All the time? Well, yeah. Yeah. Most of the writers for the Oscars are a bunch of gay guys. Yeah, yeah, sure. The producers to write jokes for this. Yeah, but it's also I agree. It's like if everything in my parent's lifetime, if everything they said was documented somewhere, I'm sure I'd be like, oh my God, my mom is canceled, right? One time I was at a show, this was in Texas and like, I bombed, but whatever. But it's one of those where you have a 15 minute set and you're bombing for 14 and a half minutes. Like really, it's just going to be this. And it was. And when I finish, I just went sat at the back and it was awkward. And then the guy after that, he spent the first 5 minutes of his set addressing my set. Oh, my God. I was horrible. And I was so new I didn't know what to do. So I just sat there and took it. But he ended his set with I know I'm a bad father. If my daughter grows up to fight for money and my son grows up to suck dick. And then he said that everybody in the bar turned around and just watched. It was a while. If I knew what he. Horrible where were you? Where were you? But it's just outside of the city where I was like, Oh. But his son's acting for money. It's like they get our period. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we ever get equal pay for women? I don't know. That's. That's first of all, horrible. But it's one of those things when you're new comic, you don't know any rules or I didn't have. Yeah, you know what I mean? In my own personal authority. Yeah, but way. Okay, so when you were 14 and you sneaked into a comedy club. Yeah. Who did you go see? Oh, my God. Lizz Winstead. Amazing. I love Liz. It's great. I didn't even put it together until years and years later. Yeah, And I go, What does that mean? So, yeah. Rich Yep, I'm sure. I was laughing so hard on his set, he stopped. Oh, are you okay? Oh, that's so great. Came and he talked to me. At that point, I was like, Wow. And I go, Now, Richard, I know how disgusting. Yeah, but he and I told him I wanted to be a comic and he was super supportive. And Rachel Dan again was there with me. Oh, that one. We can sneak into that one. My mom lied and said we were all a team and she took us. That's so nice. Soviet's is that They don't care about. I thought you were going to say they don't age. Well no. I'm for your birthday. I go, I want to take all my friends two cards and she and two of the time and the girl at the box office was like, are you all 18? My mom was like, all of them. My children. Ha ha. All of them 18 and drop aside. And she laughed, Oh, that's so funny. care. What was your worst that ever? I have to. I have to. I've only. I've only seen. Two. Amazing. That's usually the story. Oh no. It was. Horrible. Was it up in S.F. or. No. It was down here when I started. I thought you had to start in either. Oh. Uh huh. I had no idea. Oh. No, there were no like, there were hardly any books out. Yeah, yeah. The books. And I assume that that's what you did. You started in L.A. or New York? Yeah. I couldn't in San Francisco because there was a kid I grew up with who started stand up at six. Oh, well, I wanted to do Sure. Now he was in the paper and he was getting older. Oh, youngest San Francisco comic. By spring. Of forties. Yeah. Yeah. And so if I would have done that, I would look like copy cat. Oh, I was like, God damn it. All right, now I have to wait. But, um, I was in L.A., I was in the valley. Very sweet little place called The Kindness of Strangers. Oh, my God. The cafe. Oh, wow. Kindness of strangers. That was the name. And they had a little open mic, and I signed up and I went up, and it was horrible. Wow. So lutely horrible, huh? That's most open mikes. Are these people that had. Oh, yeah. The first set. And, you know, the crowd went wild. I was in Mexico Square Garden. First set. I mean, like, these stories are insane. Yeah, it was five other open. Mike. Yeah, well, it sounds like they should have, like, prepped the crowd a little. I, I think. But, I mean, I remember having a really good first set because it was, I think his, name was John McDonald in Boston because he was so sweet. He got everybody like, look, this is this person's first time up. You know, the people you're seeing tonight, they've never done this before. They've got more guts than you or anybody. So, you know, be nice and be supportive. Yeah, but there's the problem of this is more the alt comedy scene is when you're playing like a cafe and stuff where it's like some people are there working or on a date or doing something. Yeah, there'll. Be times when I'm on stage and you realize that the crowd has been ambushed, right? They're like, They don't know. Stand up. I'll fit their space in the venue. Right. Which to me is also a little insane. Yeah, I was up against the comedy show. I was like, you know. have either of you ever opened for a band? Yes. Do you don't, like, know? I don't think I ever have. I was just curious. Who was the band? they were a one hit wonder. Oh. Uh huh. And I can't remember them. Till the Wet Sprocket. It's been great. And I had to open and no one was there to see me. Obviously. Uh huh. People are still walking in. And it was, it was at a venue like a bimbos, you know. Oh, wow. Wow. it was pure hell. Yeah. I told them I don't want to be here either. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want me here. I don't want me here. Yeah. This booker, I try to talk them out of it. Yeah, I was on their side. Oh, yeah? Oh, that's smart. I started booing myself. Oh, that's great. That's great. That's a good. Idea. Well, the bands were. Oh, shit. But I tried to literally tried to explain to the person who was running the show at an outdoor venue. I was like, This is it really probably going to work? I didn't know how to do it. I there's probably a better way to approach it, but I sucked from the job was just like emptiness and a lot of movement. Then the prior the lead singer of the band who just finished walks on onstage, I'm using the same microphone she was using where she left her phone that someone had spilled a drink on. All right. So she considers cell phone and right next to me, I'm on the mic. She's right next to me in front of all shows. You spilled a beer on my phone. Oh, my God. Oh, I did it. And I know it doesn't look like I'm performing, but I am actually horrible. A roadie is just anybody. She has no clue. And then the person running the show comes out dead center and starts doing the like across the neck. Oh, my God. Like finish. Horrible. It was awful. Well, you were such a fan and had such focus on wanting to be a comic when your first set didn't go well, were you like, Wait a second, I thought I knew what I was doing or. I mean, I knew I had to get back up on stage. Mm hmm. It didn't go well again. Sure. Right then. I talked to some comics and they were like, You just have to keep getting up. So I just kept getting up and it was awful. Yeah. How long are the years? Years it takes. Yeah, it does take a long, long time. Psychotic. That, like, you suck and suck and it's awful. The only way to feel better about it is to go back. But then when you suck again, you're like, I keep making we're masochists. We're narcissists that are masochists. Okay, here's how I describe it to new comics, because new comics will ask me this a lot gotten this like, Well, what's their advice? I want to start comedy. Okay. Have you ever, like, thrown clay on one of those clay things? These tables as. Clay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called throwing clay. Oh, yeah, Yeah. Okay. And so you push it on the wheel, on the pedal, and it's going really fast. So who are making a. One run move? Because we're going to. This looks like a baby has come out of a vagina. Like it's already torn up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just disgusting. Yeah. And then what do they do? They pack it all again. They throw some water, they start slowly smoothing everything. You take so long to learn how to make a bowl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is, like, the easiest thing to. Right? And then you do something and it's, like, spins out of control. Yeah. So that's kind of what it felt like for me. Yeah. I was like, okay, like one joke worked, right? Five did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. I guess I'll just do this one. My first joke. You want to hear my first? Yes. Yeah, I. Feel like people have done this, but whatever. I was new, so I just came back from the doctor and it's official. I'm eating for two tapeworms. Ha ha. That's great. Yeah, that's really good. I don't know who the father is. Ha ha ha ha. And then said, That's why I'm going to go to the doctor and get rid of it. Fantastic. Yeah, that's good. That's awesome that you know, that was maybe one. Yeah. Yeah. Giggle. Sure. No, that's smart. No, that's really good. But then there were ten. That was just. Silence. Yeah, I feel like throwing clay also sounds like a fake sitcom. Ha ha ha. When you're ready for it. Sounds like someone throwing clay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Clay. So if I don't do three shows a night, I feel like a loser. What then? I'm more than a loser then, Because I. If I do a show a week, I think, wow, I'm really getting something done. Trying to get back in there. No, no, you're not. You don't need. It. Let's go with us. No, Why don't we? Why? Please. I want to go with you guys. I need to. I. I need the camaraderie and friendship. I have to start doing stand up with your kids. You've got to. Okay. That's the first time it's been that. In a minute. Oh, that's good. Oh, you're constantly working on the road in town. It's different. I know what you mean. It's like if I'm not well, I'm on. The road with Tom, Papa, so I'll feature for him. That's great. Well, yeah, let's. Let's plug in something relevant. I want to play what Kira's up to on my phone. the delightful cure salt content. Aha. Well will be performing no cure with you Please tell us what's going on. Where we can listen to you or where, where, where our listeners can see you live. If they go to cure a comedy. Great Instagram. It's awesome website and Twitter, but Instagram is usually where I will throw up some shows and then I'm on Breaking Bread with Tom Popper. Oh, fantastic. Yay. We do it. It's also a video podcast. Oh, okay. You can listen to it. And that's called Breaking Bread. And then I'm just I'm in town, but then I'll go on the road with Tom, then do my own gigs. It's weird because, like, you know, you want to headline your own gigs because you're a headliner and then you want to pay your mortgage. Yeah, yeah. But that's a great that's great. That's great. So he's awesome. Fun. And I drag him to Russian venues and I beat him with sticks. Oh, fantastic. Bar. And I make him wear the wall hat. And so he's a good sport. Oh, amazing. You ever go on since that two Russian looks dress store? Of course I love Russian books cause they've moved. I think they were. Yeah. They haven't been there in a very long time. But I went in there really fast once and like, they didn't believe it because I collect, like, children's books from other countries. I was legit looking, so the guy was kind of stiff at first. At first. Well, his. Whole life. Like friendly or whatever it is in me. And then slowly, like. And then the wife came up from the back. Mm. Started telling me what stuff was when I was like. Oh. She yelled at him in Russian and then he put on a record player and some music going. To drown her out. And then they turn the lights on like the shelf life. Like they turn the store on and oh. That's so sweet. As soon as I was like, I purchased that, I was leaving. Just as I was leaving, he took the record off like he taught the music. Well, he really just turned. But for you, they wanted to hear. Yeah. Oh, love Russian books. Yeah, well, I love Russian spies. Yeah, I try to find them wherever I go. I'll take Korean spot to. Where do you go? I found one in Calgary recently. I'm on the road. Oh, wow. You know Dana Moon? I texted her. We were both going to Calgary, and I go pack a bathing suit. Don't ask questions. Fantastic. She didn't see it in time. And so I had to go by myself. She didn't have a baby. I would have been fine. Excuse me. I'd like to go. I like to go to one here. Where do you go? Yeah, we. Please. Well, in L.A., I do go to the Russian Vanya, but they recently, during COVID, they made it like Prescription? No, not a subscription. No, They made it like you have to buy a membership. Oh, member. Oh, okay. Mm. But it's called for that. Which means Russian in water in Russian. Sorry. Okay. Whatever it is. Say I go to cruise in L.A.. Okay. And in what's a Caribbean? Caribbean. It can really stand. Up. For that. But New York Koreans are okay. I go to in Coney Island. That is scary. Russian gangsters. If you want to almost die, I'll take you. I really want to go. I've never been to Coney Island. I was. I mean, I lived in Manhattan for like ten years and I didn't. I don't know. Kathy Paris over in Hollywood. No go. There's really. Oh, wait. Yes, yes, yes, yes. They had a place right on the. Yes, yes. They're so mean. I have. Yeah, they're they're scary people. There's some old man smoking a cigar at 8 a.m.. Of course. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. I. I'm obsessed with sweating. I think I might have texted you this a long time ago. I did a talk show in my sauna. Oh, wow. It was called. Let's Get Sweat, huh? And it's basically my mom. I was my mom as the talk show host. Amazing people come in all comics, of course, and interview them and then beat them with Vicki. Which are these branches? Wow. I'm interviewing them, and it's a real sauna. It's on, and we're really sweating. And I feel really turned on by that. Yeah. I asked you if you were available. I think you were busy. Oh, tonight I feel ripped off. Like, why did you bring those wreaths over here? Well, you know, I also went to the first time got talked into going to a hot yoga I walked in, I said, it smells like shit in here. I smell of sweat. I I'm not that good with that kind of stuff. Yoga man. Everybody there was hot yoga used to sit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please tell me. Do that on stage. Hmm. Well, this is so much fun. Kira, we will go. I do want to go to a Russian sauna, though, with you. I want to see what it's like. Yes, please. I would love to go. I would be honored. Okay, great. You upside your face. Oh, thank you so much. I feel like I'm falling in love. You'll see her in front of my husband. That's Sultan of it. I'll say it together. Soltanovich. Is that how you like it proved to be pronounced? Like when there's a harmony. Yeah. Antonovich sultanahmet Sultanahmet Sultanahmet. What. I call it. It's by the small town of it. Yay! Yay! Thank you. Thanks so much. Gosh, it's fun.