"I can't sanction that buffoonery" with Max Beasley

Laura and Daniel chat with the wonderfully clever comic and filmmaker, Max Beasley. They discuss swinger iconography, Lorena Bobbit: girl-boss, kink test results, touching that tonight show money, Woody Allen's Children's Hospital/2nd wife pipeline, checking vax cards at the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum, filmmaking inspirations and Oscar wars.

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Laura Kightlinger
Twitter: @KingKightlinger
Insta: @laurakightlingerlives
Web: laurakightlinger.com

Daniel Webb
Twitter: @thedanielwebb
Insta: @the_danielwebb
Web: thedanielwebb.com

Transcript

0:09

hi, Daniel. We're so lucky to have with us Max Beasley. I met Max. We were both outside a shelter. We were playing bingo with some other gals, and then we finally made enough money to take a bus to Atlantic City. And when we were there, we just, you know, had nowhere to go. It was really fun. Kind of a last stop situation. Yeah, definitely. I think we can safely I can speak for Laura on this. I think we're both surprised to be here right now. You're right. You're so right. I think we both saw when city is sort of a last stop. Yeah, Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah. It really is like a sort of like performing in a living room in Van Nuys, which I've done recently. That's going over. Uh. Yeah, Atlantic City. Smells like smoke. I'm sure it smells like a lot of things. Every lobby. Now the living room Was that a friends was a planned when you did stand up there? It was planned. Was it was it an ambition? In my standup career where I still say yes to a living room? Oh, okay. Great fun. This can be fun. It it was funny because the place had the exact vibe of like, a swingers. Oh, no. That's not the pantry. It looked like the house know. Yeah. Oh, shit. Weird living. Room. And I go out and everyone has a pineapple logo on there. We have a tattoo around there. It felt like everybody was there to fuck each other, which is not really the vibe for comedy. Oh, no. Halloween party like that. And there was. Oh, I have a lot of experience with parties and. There's like, nothing but like swingers who all want to like, dose you with. Have you. Ever been to Boulder. Colorado? No. And I didn't find out about the pineapple thing until there was this guy that that means you're a swinger. If you have pineapple in your clothing, it signifies that you're a swinger. Yeah. Or on. On the front of your house, on your mailbox. Well, it's like a handkerchief in the pocket for the swinger. Uh. Yeah, I only. I found out about that two years ago. I think there's got to be people who are just, like, idiots for tropical pineapple. There are. And I was one. Oh, yeah? And until someone said, Hey, I see you got pineapple on your shirt. And you want. To fuck with life. And you just and you had to find out you just had a pineapple. It was just a slice of pineapple. You're on target. There's a fruit code. There's a fruit code. also there should be our spinoff of Girls Code three. Code. But if you ever go to Target, you'll see in the clearance section and they always have a shirt with a pineapple on it because people don't want to buy a pineapple shirt because they want to signify that that's what they are. Or they've returned it because they wore it out on the streets and couldn't and got catcalled by right. One of you have a pineapple cart, why do you do that? Thick and fuzzy, left and right. Is that it? Okay. I have a question about pineapple. Yeah. And either of your experience does pineapple make semen taste better? Like whose haven't sampled taste? I don't think I've ever. consciously tasted semen yet. Okay. Yeah, I won't. You're going to say I've never consciously enjoyed you both. Never like that. To determine whether or not it improves the taste of your. It requires a lot of premeditated thought. Yeah. In that situation, lighting really matters. Oh yeah. But then you have to have like sample. Lighter moments as well. I think the more I look like an alien coming out of the spaceship. No, the door of the spaceship opens and you just see that. Yeah, I call that beautiful skin. I mean, Parliament Funkadelic. No, I. Man, no. I've seen videos make my funk. The P-Funk. The UFO lands on this. Shit. I'm kidding. Door opened in the whole pair. Become where. Every. Show. No, I'm. Which one? Which one did you see? Okay, that's actually a crazy story. Okay. The night before, I was at my friend Serena's house. Don't ask about it. It was a whole group of friends. We're all young, and it was one of. We just meeting lots of people. Just one guy who was blind. And the only reason I bring that up is because we're playing a drinking game. It's like a patty cake. Game. And the blind guy is winning. We're all drunk and have side and are losing the game and he's this really sweet guy. Flash forward 24 hours. We're at the Parliament-Funkadelic show. The UFO has landed and then fucking George Clinton himself was like, Give it up for I can't remember the guy's name, but it's the blind guy who comes on stage playing a saxophone. Oh, George Clinton holds the microphone in the horn of the. Amazing. Guy and is like, Isn't he amazing? And my friend Serena and I are like, tripping our way. What? Oh, gosh, there's magic. I remember going to a party in college with my friend Max. I think I could say, well, maybe I better not say his last name, but we. We went to a party easily. No. Yeah, you can say it. I'm here knowing before Max was born anyway, and. These are there. And we went to this party. We were on mushrooms really heavy duty. And We were laughing all the way into this party. And this was in Boston and somewhere in Beacon Hill. And that was one of like a rich kids party in this, building. And there was a person out front, you know, like a concierge letting us kind of sign in, like greeting us as we went in. and got in and the apartment was one I and the guy has one eye. Yeah. Yeah. And we fell all the way. We said, Oh, it's one eye. And he's like writing it down. We're like, And then we just fell up the stairs. And I know he heard us laughing like assholes on the stairs because we couldn't believe it. I actually, that's like my new apartment. I moved in with a comedian recently, and we're in apartment L. It's like L stands for a loss making ls constantly on that apartment. Have you ever heard that? No. No. it's even for people younger than me. It's like a Lenny old Zuma term. Oh, Jesus. But it's like taking you. I was just like, Oh, losing, basically. Zuma is like The generation below millennials. Our. Grandkids and boomers, maybe I'm. So old. Well, I guess it's a I don't like naming. But you know, both of you guys, you you you you ladies can't say anything about being old because you know that I'm older than I. Don't like giving a fucking. Young. Generation a personality. It's like boomers I get because it was like a thing. And there's even a generation below. Zuma to see what. Damn it. Babies. Yeah, yeah. So annoying. Why do they even get a name? Yeah, they've done jack. Shit. Do you see? Why do they get generation. Yeah. Generation X because they didn't do anything And then. Right. We have to name ourselves. So now everyone has a stupid name. You're right. It eventually becomes a slur. Zuma Yeah, let's just. Liam Sounds like a slur. Yeah. Fuck. Zuma Yeah. Careful. You don't want to eliminate your guess. And 20 years, that statement is going to come bite me in the in the. It's almost sounds like either getting your dick cotton zipper a Zuma. That would be with that. Yeah. Or you know I've had that happen once. You know it. It's not fun I. Can't handle that. It's like I was watching the little Rayna Bobbitt documentary and they really show it to you. And I was loosely. Yes, I couldn't handle it. Think about how ironic it is that her last name, Babette. And she bobbed up there. Yeah, I there's a lot of that story of all of the re-imagining or re interpretation of like nineties scandals, like Monica Lewinsky was. Oh, right, right. I do like the rehash of Lorena Bobbitt. Mm hmm. Yeah, she looks psycho. Well, she's a girl. Yeah. but have you that old Disney movie The Sword in the Stone? Jeez, I think I did a long time ago. Right? Yeah, but they become squirrels. Oh, really? I always thought that's what drugs would be like, but it's not. Yeah. Do you ever notice there's a lot of that in Disney? Like animated stuff is people turning into animals. Oh, there's. Oh, yeah. There is. Yes. It's because if you read Fast Food Nation, two things that McDonald's and Disney who have a couple similarities not because they are, but they're their upbringing also and the way they run their companies, but they both revolutionize advertising because they were the first to do what do you call market research. Hmm. Children. Wow. Really tapped that market. Yeah. And they what they discovered in some of that testing was that like EP until the age of six, seven, eight. I forget the actual numbers, but it's like 80% of children's dreams are about animals. Wow. Oh, a kid. What did you do last night? Even if they're making shit up, I'll be like, Oh, shark. Well, it's only. Mine are still about animals, but it's about saving animals. Or I've got to I've got to get Garrett to help me because there's a, there's a dog that looks like it's limping or a coyote or some god damn thing. Yeah. She has a givers heart. Thank you. Well, maybe I like that, but I think I am an animal, though. I don't know what I'm doing in this. In this body. That doesn't work. I would like to be reincarnated as. I want to be. They're so damn sweet. Deadly. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. They're sweet but. Deadly. They just look sweet in the pool. Hippos are like my axes. Little thing will tear you apart. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, sure. Your first choice animal. Mm. Oh, that I want to be, like, after. Like a whale. Mm. I wouldn't mind being an otter just because they. They hold hands as they're floating down the river. To work is an honor, though. Don't you have to build a little city for yourself? Oh, man, maybe so, But I like doing that. I collect shit. To be a dog because I don't want to have to do anything. Yeah, Yeah. My whole life. Him don't do anything. They just chop shit in half. Anything? Mm hmm. Famously, Yeah. There was a game called the Hungry Hippo, right? That very hungry. Yeah, That's the loudest game I've ever played. But they obviously never played a video game now. Oh, my boyfriend. We play games now. Oh, yeah. Which. Yeah, you're switch your switch. I know that. Yeah. He dragged, he dragged you into it. So you take it to find out all this like. A personality test. For that. No, for like your kink test or whatever. Oh. Was like Dom aggro switch. Wow. Probably similar. It was like that. I'd like to take that test. I can find it. When do we find it? And I'll just answer the first question. Oh, that was like the quiz I took for Love Addiction and I got it. 37 out of 40 years. Wow, you're addicted to love. Like that shitty song by Robert Palmer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You might as well face it, Max. You're addicted to love. Again as a drug addict. Sorry. Okay. I think this is fucking great. I think Laura should take this quiz. Do you an. Artist? Yeah. Yeah. Just ask me what the first. What's the first question? Okay, Uh, we'll go around the table. You were. Head. Yeah. Okay. Well, we have to do gender and age. So we won't say her name before we go. Okay. You know who's saying what? Okay. But for Laura, you're female. Yes. Okay. Do you want to state your will? Say there's brackets. Okay. There's. There's 41 to 50, 51 to 60 and 61 to 70. Let me do that for you. And higher. Well. Let me do the 41. Yeah, You had. 36. 40. Yeah. No, I guess I know what they have to know that to tell you what your kink is, because they maybe I don't have because I don't I'm too lazy to have a kink as I'm get. Older, I think it's like physical. Proclivity. Okay, You can say you can go ahead and say that the next one. Wasn't even a question. They want to know what is still possible, I think. Oh, oh, Jesus Christ. And then do that. Do the 60 to 80, then do the 50. Then you can still. Be a 50 to 70. 80. And it just goes, Thank you for taking the question. God damn it. Okay, you're you're looking. Good staying alive. Yeah. Yeah, it really is. Question The answers are are you have percentages or your choices have a way to answer. Okay. Question number one, you have a normal taste in sex. The majority of people who are not in the body and am or any other can you practice All of your sexual behaviors are within the range of normality 10%, 30%, 50, 60, 80, 100%. Normal times 30? Yeah. They don't know 20. Mm. I guess I'm going to them for me. Okay. Well we, I have to give you I said it's one and one answer. I don't even understand the question. Do your normal taste and. Say oh I would eat a. Normal person. Yeah. Like horny. Are you normal? Oh, God. It's like my. Third question was more like, how kinkier you. I'll read it in for you have a normal taste in sex parentheses just as the majority of people who are not into BDSM or other kinky practice closed parentheses and all your sexual behaviors are within the range of normality. So how normal is. Is there a notch above dead? There's zero. Okay. 0%. Okay. Next. You love to see exactly how far you can go by teasing, testing limits, pushing boundaries, cajoling, begging, breaking rules. And you love to ask for punishment. Uh, is this a kink test? Okay. Yeah. No, no, I like to. I like to demean, and then it's like, come on, jump, jump on the on the I what? What do I usually say to get jump on the breadwinner I'm into? You know what? I understand? That's because most of the girls have done with her the same way they sort of do cajole you. Mm hmm. It's not quite bullying, but it's a it's a cajole. It's emasculating. Because I had sex with a woman that men are just so fucking horny and like, when. Was the last time you had sex with a woman? Not as long as you, I think. Maybe. How long or. Than maybe ten years. She's someone. Then she. She. That's a long story I told you about. Oh, my God. Well, you. That was the worst. I think you definitely had sex with a woman before I did. But I liked having sex with girls. Yeah, it wasn't anything that we're like. I like it. Okay. Question two I would say, how exactly do I like all the teasing that I would say like 80%. Oh, you like the the teasing you. Yeah, But after punishment. Mm. Laura 1030, 50, 60, 80. Well I, you know, goddammit, you know, a friend of mine in college, I'm going to get off track. A tiny bit. I, I could have taken a job. She was getting $300 an hour to hit a guy with his briefcase. And the type of job you want. I want. I know I was afraid because I thought I'd be too violent. I said I really thought so because that sounded like something I wanted to do. And I. How would you know when you're done? Yeah. Imagine, like you hit him with the final blow that kills them. Yeah. Opens. And there's a shit ton of money. Yeah, well, that would be okay. I like that. That's a good that's a good thing. If case opens and there is a little audio device that's been recorded. Look, it's a lie. Yeah. Oh, that would make total sense of. Then he could jerk off to it later, but then he can't. And now that's what go to work. They go through his family. His briefcase. It is. It is. I know, but that part turns me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. I'm not very good. Okay. What? 80%. Okay, Max. The question was, how much do I like pink cheese? You love to see exactly how far you can go by teasing, testing limits, pushing boundaries, cajoling, begging. Oh, I don't do any of that. And you'd love to ask for punishment. I think my asking for punishment is implied. It just show. Going to dinner with someone. That's not something we have to talk about. The energy of someone who is taken advantage of. Oh. Oh, that's awful. That's awful. Okay. Oh, by the way, your answer, the lower it is, the more red and extreme and the closer it gets warmer. 100% light green. Okay. Hmm. Question three Would you play with a naughty disobedient partner rather than someone submitting spontaneously during sex slash BDSM? Would you rather have a disobedient partner or someone who's just like, spontaneously, like a slutty stranger? Oh, that's an interesting either or I want this spontaneous submit or that's me. Kind of forcing me too. Me too. Yeah. But what? Oh, no, I was just thinking, like, what is the least amount of work I can do? That's what it's like. I want somebody else to do everything, and I'll just. The least amount of work you can do is just like. Yeah, that's what I like. Yeah. You do that with stranger. Or no or I was kind of seeing this nutty guy who would take me like, kind of take me by surprise, like throw me up against a wall. And I like that. So that makes me submitted, submit submissive. Like that, too. Yeah. Or just over. Yeah. Because you're submitting to that. Yeah. Because it's the element of surprise that is something. Yeah. So I would, I mean, I'm somebody who, you know, if you took a knife in me, I would probably be like, Oh yeah. I know a girl who gets really turned on by like, having a knife. Oh, God, no. That's how. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a plain knife, But just the really knife to throw it out. Ooh. Okay, Next question. Okay. You like to completely tie up your partner during sex slash BDSM? Completely tie up your partner. See, here's my problem, is that we live on a fucking fault line. And I never did Boy Scouts. So imagine having a high anxiety attack in the middle of an earthquake. I already have performance anxiety. I don't need to not. And I was dating a professor in college. Not the professor I went to, you know, but I woke up to being, like, hogtied. And I was like, What? What do you. And it was a fix up from a friend. He was like, I was sleeping on his couch, waiting for him to come home. And he was like, tying up my ankles. And I was like, What's going on? He goes, Oh, don't you like that? And I was like, No, I don't like that. I got really scared. Putting it down for 100%. Okay, Yeah. My thing about hooking the tying up, my thing about it is I don't want that growing with to start looking like a boat. And, you know, you have to throw rocks at other guys. Like, they're like, Hold it. I don't need the I don't either. It's like, what am I saying? Right? It was all end to being tied up and all that shit. Or would you be open open to joining a multiple partner relationship for sex and or emotional pleasure? If you if you were single, would you be open? That's asking if you're poly. Multiple partner relationship or sexual emotional. Oh for sex or emotional pleasure if you were single. Uh, I'm monogamous personally. Me too. I don't. I don't think that ever. Relationship sounds like love, like brunch gone bad. Kills. What the hell is that? What's the dual. Is that for? It's. It's where you are dating multiple people and everybody's kind of dating each other. It's like a COVID bubble. But for fucking. Cat, I know what it's called. A cult is what it is. But who cares about Russia? Oh, okay. Rent. Yeah. Probably the guy getting all the pussy, I would imagine. Okay, well, I want his job. Who doesn't? Hmm? Hmm. Never mind that my throat closed up. That that business would be called. Oh, man. We have to get them change that. No, we did long. Okay. Will you give the control of your finance to your partner in terms of how much? I don't know what this question means. Okay. Will you give the control of your finance, such as bank account, etc., to your partner in terms of how much of your own money you can have access to? So would you give your money to them and let them dole it out? Of course, that's that's what I do now. I should be 100% okay. Yeah. Because you want somebody that's good with money. I need to not be in charge of my finances. Yeah, I'm either. You're quick. Are you turned on by inflicting pain? No, I don't. I don't know. I accident. I know. You know, I accidentally elbowed Garrett and we had a fight about it. 50%. And then I. No, no, I didn't enjoy it. I was really. I really felt terrible. Yeah, it perturbs me. Yeah. I don't like, seeing violence against women in general. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And movies and stuff. Ooh, I hate it. Yeah. Porn is that's the number one reason I can't watch it because the fucking expression on the woman quit. I quit more than a couple of months ago because it was just like, This is so toxic. Yeah, ridiculous to me. Like, I can't watch, like, mad Men quite so silly. Yeah, it's so. Buffoonish. It's like a soap opera. Yeah, but, I mean, I could. I could use a storyline. It looks physically grueling. That that's why. I mean, all porn yourself. This is the thing about sex. It's like I have a weak bicep, so. Yeah, I'm on top of it. It goes from. I'm on my hands for about one minute. Then I go down to the elbow 5 minutes, and then I go down to laying on top of her. And oh, man. You get what you get pleasure from. Physically restricting. That sounds like tying up. We said no. Right I moving vision hearing, doing all that. Taking away sentences. Uh huh. I wouldn't mind blindfolding someone or like, Mm. Something like that. Yeah. Because then you can get the wallet. I'm going to say 60%. Yeah. Do you remember? And I'm going to confuse this with a Fellini film like I always do. Classic Laura. Eight and a half weeks or nine and a half weeks. It's either nine and a half, which is Fellini, or eight and a half. Why don't we combine those two. Films No. More. And that was made after the, um, the Hugh Grant. Oh, yeah. But half a minute. Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah. But that's what I was thinking. But that movie with Kim Basinger and I can't I can't remember the guy's name. Oh, Mickey Rourke. went, he blindfolded her and was just feeding her strawberries and stuff and naked and stuff was dripping down her. I kind of grossed me out. Yeah, yeah. Food. It's food noises that grosses me. Yeah. Handle the chewing and the mouth and all that, like, nastiness in a movie. But she she's beautiful and and I think an amazing actress because she made it seem like it was fun. But I'm curious. You've got to wonder if anyone could get off to it. Really? You want to know? Like, I wonder if if you just set a camera up and taped me having sex. Somebody there's an audience for that. That's your only fans thing, isn't it? You know the audience. I've had several friends who are only fans, just who aren't entertainers. They just started. I know that they're like 340 year old gay men on my Instagram who would love if I got an only film boom. Yeah. But came dollars a month. I could easily do 15 a month. I you, my friend, paid for my piece of it. Oh, yeah. Wow. But not fucking. It's like just all nudity, right? okay. I remember somebody coming to a stand up show that I did This guy. This is a long time ago, like, probably nineties. And he said, Are you going to do another special? And I said, Yeah, I hope so, yeah. Because I'm kind of done jerking off to the first one. So people do that. No, I saw a male comedian recently who someone in the crowd said that they jerked off to his special Oh yuck. How? I don't know. I can't imagine someone who is that funny or that sexy. Yeah, I may have. That's not the point. But I touch myself once or twice during watching like a Sarah Silverman special. I do for myself. If I'm watching myself, I can jerk off. Something that I This is something I've actually learned about recently as people do jerk off to themselves. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, no big thing. I guess that's the height of narcissism, right? I wouldn't even know if it's a narcissism thing. I think it's like if you're a like, for example, like if you're a bisexual woman. Mm hmm. Your own tits and ass and pussy turn you on. Oh, yeah. That's kind of nice. Hmm. Do you have that? But no. You're not. It doesn't turn your. No, I think it's like no, because my mean, my type is not my type. Got it. Got it. And I'm not. I always said. If you were your own type. Yeah. You could just get off to yourself. Yeah. It'd be like a snake eating its tail. No, a lot of time to burn. Then I. I'm sorry. That sounded kind of perfect. Snakes don't have their own tail pretty easily. There's a new. There's a new Kamasutra, and it's Max Beasley's book. The Snake. Eat Your Own Tail. Imagine you were a. Lot pre Kamasutra. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. What? I say I'm upsetting everything. Kamasutra. Yeah, go ahead. Imagine that you were a lion. You would you enjoy chasing your prey? Yes. wait. Yeah. I'm taking all kinds of actions from biting, scratching, kicking, hitting to capture it. Would you enjoy the chase? Biting, scratching. Everything it took to take to capture it? I'm going to go ahead and say live on the air. I don't enjoy biting or hitting or scratching. Mm hmm. But know you're a lion. If I was a lion, I'm probably would be in my nature. Yeah. But as a cat person, I like shaking my food to make sure it's dead. I do that with everything, and I'm a vegetarian, so I do that with asparagus. Yes. I don't like it. Your. Oh, that's what you're throwing in neck brace. Poor thing. Imagine where it's wearing a neck brace. Could be like coffee and it's a whole thing. A rabbit. Would you enjoy being hunted by a predator after a grueling fight? So fighting for your life. That's a stupid fucking question. That is a stupid fucking question. I've gone along with this bullshit long enough that it's the dumbest fucking thing I've heard yet. I don't fucking know. I'm like, What do you do? You get to do? Like thinking about dying? Horrible, horribly. Jerking off to this test. Okay. Oh, okay. I'm just going to answer so blindly. You know that Kissinger wound up, like, autoerotic asphyxiating himself. Yeah, Yeah. At 100 Die Hard. No, it's just shot. Uh, I mean, you're 100. Who gives a shit? You might as well. If I was 100, I'd go out that way. Yeah. Yeah. Like the. Best thing. Ever. Yeah. Yeah. Go out on a high. No, it really happened. Henry Kissinger. Yeah. Old. That old fucking son of a bitch Who said that? his claim. Otto Reich. No, no, but his, his claim on this earth is that he extended the Vietnam War you know, made people there longer. There? Yeah. Yeah, right. He's responsible for the tie chi. I Do you like keeping your partner as a pet, providing them with a cage, feeding them with a bowl? I would be super into that. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like whoever wrote this test. I think it's stupid. Okay, that's. Probably just one. Yeah. What do you think we could you keep Jason in a cage? Yeah, he'd be into it. All right. Don't like ice cream through the cage. Oh, well, maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. I'm really. Imagine if you were being taken care of like a pet. It'd be so nice. But he's. Cute. Garrett, like, brings me breakfast and I'm in bed most of the time and so maybe I am like a pet that's being spoiled, like. And he'll even say, cause I'm in bed all the time, like, or taking a nap. He'll say, Laura, back to one. Yeah. So, yeah. Results are in. Laura Oh, right. Okay. You're 100% Finn. Dom Do you know what that means? Finn Dom, do. You know that if I know him. you're into financial domination 100%, 100% a pay pig their word no pain. Pig What does that mean? I don't know. I do always. If I do anything, I feel like I need to get paid. You're 95.5% submissive. You're 91% primal. This is your new credit when people bring you in. Oh, my God. I love that. It was recently tested as 100% of love it. You're 71% brat tamer. Mm hmm. You are 61% switch switches. What? I ranked the. Highest switch means that you can be dominant or submissive. The lowest thing you rank in is non-monogamous and master. Mistress. That's what you're not good at. Oh, interesting. Look, you ranked really low in vanilla, you spicy thing. Okay, I checked. I sent. I took a screenshot of it. Okay, Now I'm bored with me. What was your score? That was your. Score. But did you get the scores of anybody else? Oh, I have my other one. Well, I guess paid pig is enough. That's. I love 100%. It's anything like all the grades I got. Like I probably got a C minor in a the same store. And Encino sold whatever the last lotto things like 400 million got to winning tickets were sold at the same store in Encino. Um, like Encino people already have. Oh, shit. I just moved to downtown Burbank. From what I've been doing is I just kind of jaywalking in hopes that the inventor of jaywalking himself, Jay Leno, strikes me with one of his vehicles. And I get a nice little insurance and I get to touch that tonight. Show you. Oh, yeah. Oh, that'd be so good. Not touching it. Let me get a piece of that. I think he spends his money. You know, money famously. Oh, really? Famously has never touched his Tonight Show. What the fuck is he going to do with it? Well, how does he get those cars? He apparently has a lot of money from 9 to 19. Oh. the super rich people, who, don't give back at all like there's not like a Seinfeld shelter or Kardashian shelter. Crazy about Leno. It's like when he brought donuts to the strike. Mm hmm. It was like one box of donuts. And he, like, brought his own photographer up to like, to, like, take a photo of him handing a single box of donuts to the strikers. Oh, my God. Friend network. Meanwhile, he owns, like,$20 million of vintage jalopies. Well, yeah, and Seinfeld has a whole building in New York City, right, in Manhattan. That's just for his cars. Wow. Yeah, It's like the Peterson car Museum. But for just so. Yeah. There's. There's never. I was just gonna say and there's not the Woody Allen Childrens Hospital, but that's probably for the best. It's like it's time to a second wife. Oh, good God. Sorry. You know, that's it. But I love that. That's why Diane Keaton always has to work clean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God almighty. That being said, the last time I was in New York, I was like, This is just like my favorite Woody Allen movie. Oh, I know. But every fucking street, I'm like, It's like Manhattan Murder me. Oh, damn. I know. It's a good movie. My heroes have been canceled, which has led me to fact that I. Know because I went hardcore to the church or Roseanne for a day. I was sure. Oh. She was probably. She's probably the biggest Denver comedian. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But I was her. And just even like, before I started comedy and stuff like Love Roseanne, I just I thought it was funny. The writing was great, but like, her standup was great, and it's like. Yeah, yeah. my first job because Roseanne and Tom, saw me on a Comedy Central something an I was to play Tom Arnold's wife in a sitcom and. Oh, I think you did. Yeah. Yeah. And I got fired. Uh, first. I told my mom and she told everybody at the phone company. So I thought, Oh, I'm going to make it. I'm won't be a star on the sitcom. And but and that was horrible. And but also, on the day that that happened, I was like 26 or so and and the kid who played my son was like 17 playing 14. And so I had to find a phone to tell my mom like, and or just cry about it or whatever. And I sit. And play him on the. Teenager. Yeah, all I do is play and. I'm a baby and I'm 20. Eight. Yeah, but yeah, it didn't it didn't make a lot of sense. But anyway, I said, Do you know where the phone is? Because it's right over there, babe. And I was like, I'm your mom, you stupid cunt. And. But yeah, and, and then and then I was I was really a wreck. But, you know, you know, but then the great thing was, I remember Steve Higgins. I was mortified. It was my first time, you know, out here, and I thought all this shit, you know, And he said, nobody would believe that you'd fucked Tom or Arnold for times like that for kids. That was the whole 92nd thing. I mean, that's even why you. Louie, though. Yeah, I mean, that's every. Yeah, that's every sport. Wife Peg. Husband. Yeah. Oh, that's sweet. That's the other thing about Roseanne, where she was like, we like normal. Although I was very, very attracted to Mike Haggerty because he was so goddamn funny. He played my husband unlucky Louie. Mike Haggerty. Yeah. Did you get. Oh, yeah. Unlucky Louie. I was Pam Adlon brand you now. Steven Weber and the other guy who plays, uh, on an is a typical name, is that. Yeah. Like, so sporty, handsome. Yeah, they were cute. I remember that. With my mom being like, I feel like they're. I don't know why I like. Oh, yeah. One of my big first crushes, I think probably was the nanny. Oh, yeah. Right. I think she's so hot. Yeah. I've always been attracted to, like, Jewish women for some. Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm so old. When I watched it as a kid, I was like, She's like an old. Like, I didn't. I Now I see her as young and, like, quirky and like, in her third. Year. Childhood, I was like, she seemed like she was like, totally, you know, very more matronly. Yeah, for sure. That's everybody. You know, when Nicole Tom when we were together on minor accomplishments of Jackie Woodman, I didn't know that she played the daughter on the nanny. What? She was the little blond girl. Is this, like, unforgettable? Yeah. Yeah, I feel like because I. She looks like she did when she was. Yeah, Yeah. Exactly the same time. Yeah. Yeah, I. I guess a little while back with the girl from Full House. Oh, Jodie. Yeah. Oh, Show the Comedy Store. Yeah, Yeah. That's really fun. That was the one of what's it called? Family dinner. meeting her was really one of the more head trippy moments of my life because it's like some she's my age, so. It's just like she did, too. Oh, that was so. That. Show, when you're a kid and you watch TV and you just see the people who are seem to be your age. Yeah. Like Darlene on Roseanne. It's like when you look back on it, you had a crush on them. Like middle school. Yeah. Hm. When was I ever sexually attracted to a child. On the on the Roseanne? I was like, I wanted to either be her. Uh huh. Imitate her or I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I couldn't figure. Oh, that's so funny. She I think. I felt the same way about Kristy McNichol. Who? Kristy McNichol When she was on was called Family. It was just called family. and her brother was gay. And it was a big it was a it was a drama called Family. Mm hmm. And then she I think you I think she was on empty, empty nest, which now I'm going to have to change my cake test. Nicole The brunet? Yeah. Redheaded. Yeah. Yeah. She have, like, she left show business or something? Yeah, Yeah, she's a she's a, I guess, a real estate mogul. No, I thought, like, empty nest did, like, a number on her, and she had to leave the business. You know? So boring. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, give me a full nest. No favorite things is whatever. It was like Golden Girls, Empty Nest, something and Golden Palace and one other show. That was the block, uh, in the days where there'd be, like, a hurricane and each TV show would have a hurricane episode. Um, Storm blew into every. I love shit like that. Yeah, the lights go out, but the whole block of the Thursday night show was like, the power is out on Mad about You, huh? Like every show experience the blackout. Wow. I love that bullshit. Yeah, it's kind of like a movie comes out, and all the same, they're all about the same things at the same time. Like Marvel. Yeah, I can't handle it. Uh, I. Started recently showing up to movies 20 minutes late to miss the previous, uh, can't see that. Nicole Kidman, AMC. I It's so funny. You love it. Oh, it's hilarious. It makes me want to die. Yeah. I cannot. I cannot sanction that buffoonery. Thing to have a You're. Cheering for a conglomerate. Wow. The end of capitalism if you're you're cheering for an ad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is so bad It was. Campy for two months now like, just for a month now. It's like equivalent to, like, Bacon or Taylor Swift in the lexicon of culture. Oh, well, what about what about the how Pantages is pushing a pedophile like I've seen so many MJ musical things everywhere. There's a lot of Jacksons. Yeah, the musical at Pantages, it's everywhere. Is he's like, when I worked on all those you probably know those from your job, like when I worked on all those live sitcoms and show and the whole playlist to get the audience out before the show is is Michael Jackson. You can't really like, try as you might like. You cannot take him out. Everybody loves his music. It's so good that people still go crazy. Well, his shit. I did not go to the Church of Michael Jackson growing up, so it's not hard to divorce his music. But that is completely opposite to the way most of my friends feel. Yeah, because. The Off the Wall album, it's like. People worship and it's like for me, I love that. video for I remember the time because it's probably the best piece of film ever made. Well, I can't separate the art from the pedophile. I don't think is really. Is that good? Oh. Yeah, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's some of it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Five of done like his first album and stuff. Oh, I. Oh I remember seeing them. Disgusting. There was the Jackson five cartoon I remember. Yeah. Calling me Scooby Do. Oh the Jackson five Scooby Doo. Oh shit. We're going to have to look that up. I love. The o o. O because it's like an invisible luminous paint kind of stuff. That's a good thing. That happened several times. There's an Adam Salmon crossover where there's a cartoon was good. It's really easy for me to look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo if I wear it. Do you know who did The Voice? If I were brown pants and a green shirt and just walked on Hollywood Boulevard, I'd make like five. Oh, that's so funny. Mickey Mouse on Hollywood Boulevard. Very little office. I call him Mike. I used to work on the Hollywood Boulevard. I used to work at the Ripley's Believe. Oh. Oh. What was that like? A horrible nightmare. Yeah. Oh, it was during the pandemic. So my job was to check vaccine cards for all the tourists. Oh, jeeze. Nightmare. And everyone is fighting you for their everyone's maga. I literally saw one that I could tell was handwritten by the guy like moments before. Oh, oh. Look at that. Like it is like check the date. It was like 13 and 13. Smile. Oh, it's like 15, 27 and jeez, it was like, it was like it wasn't Modiano, It was like it closed. It was like a madonna. I'm like. Oh my cousin got a fake VAX card so we could go on a fishing trip. It's embarrassing. I think probably. Back then at. Least 30% of people who say it's fake. Yeah. Now I'm meeting people who are like, Well, you know, I'm not vaccinated. Do you think. People are out about. It? I think it's crazy that people go to like the wax museum and then take pictures next to. Talking about this with, yeah, how strange it is that like to have that sensation of like, I need to see a visual representation of this person in front of me? Yeah, yeah. Next to myself. Or you ever come to Hollywood as like a tourist before you were in the movie? When I was. Really little, but I don't really remember. We did all Any article, any artifacts close to a famous person felt that whatever that is, it's like. Wow, I still keep on my bedside table. I have like my first big autograph. Who are Pam Grier? Yes. Amazing. Oh, that's that's. Wow. Yeah. It's like from 2014. Wow. I was like. And I was like, in high school. That's amazing. I keep that one that's like, my name. That's like. Jackie Brown's one of my favorite movies. That's like only movie. Tarantino managed to find a soul. I Oh, I love her. Yeah, I love just that. Like Max Cherry. Yeah. Yeah. She's beautiful, too. I mean, the. Guy in that. Rock I like. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he out. It's great. There's this amazing bail bonds place right next to my apartment. It's like lime green. Uh. 24 hours. Oh. Lived there. It's like a little house. Wow. Every time I go past that, I think of that movie. Oh, I love when I pass the Alamo Mall. Yeah, I'm like. That's so exciting. Yeah. I don't know how that sort of business stays in business. A The mountain. Yeah, you do. Do you see Rudy Giuliani, Bail Bond Street to a normal bail bondsman? Because nobody would put the money out for, like, a run of the mill. Yeah. But why would they think that you that you could pay them back? Well, it's like payday loans. Yeah, like, it's just. Yeah, it's like. A huge interest. It. Yeah. You have to pay it back like they make it so that you have a choice. like all the Elmore Leonard novels and it's been like. Like getting the vig, huh? Oh, yeah. Money. Yeah. That's what, like, modern day bounty hunters. Oh, yeah. You go catching the vig, which is like the person who owes money to a mailbox. Wow. I. Okay, I had that. That didn't dawn on me. I thought, No, no, I didn't. And I. Like that. That's what he does is he, like, goes and finds people who owe money to bail on. You know, I thought it was just like that. They're like criminals who escaped or like embezzlers or something. I didn't know it was specific. Yeah, I think now police just handle, like, fugitives. Yeah. Oh. Okay. Yeah. They don't put up a wanted poster and offer a bounty anymore. They don't. Second autograph. You guys. I have a lot of sports autographs because I grew up really liking sports. But in terms of, like, entertainers, it's very I really never understood the appeal of an autograph. Mm hmm. I would much rather have a photo with the person if I want to have, like, a memory. Yeah, that's a similar thing. That's such as it really is. They're having. Yeah, an autograph. It's just like, okay, well, you wrote your name. Like, okay, In the old days, famous people would tell you no photographs. Mm hmm. Yeah, well. That's. That's the thing, too. It's like I don't ask for it often because where I'm at in the country right now. And so it's like, I mean, It's kind of gauche. Yeah. It's gosh, the only time will do it is if I'm like at no point with the person and it's like people are taking photos with the people, you know. Yeah. Now you're going to go to the Ferrari premiere. Good friends who like have you know, who are like big or whatever, who I like have no evidence that I know them because you know, even if I posed a photo of them, like when we're hanging out and. Cringing. Yeah, that's where But the Ferrari premiere, I don't know how this happened, but I got an email the other day inviting me to the Ferrari premiere. At the. DGA, so I'm going to go. Well, because you've been directing shorts. Let's talk about that. Let's plug it. Oh, yeah, We're going to go find your work. all my like, dates and clips and stuff I just put on my Instagram and my links are on there too. That might be. At Max Beasley, but how about was that on the kink thing when you can't sell yourself at all? When you're not really, you can I Yeah. No, I have a, I have shorts and I have one that is in post right now that I produced and I'm trying to get one going for next year. Called a degrade. The degradation are going to be bigger. I, I don't like to be degraded but I feel like it's a natural part of me is to. Not plug his website. Yeah I'm naturally humble. Mm hmm. Okay. Okay. I'm basically bragging about being. No, no, no, self-effacing, but with no reason. yeah. I mean, that was my first. I really my whole, like, teenage years in childhood wanted to be a filmmaker and I went to film school and that's like what I wanted to do. And then I just ended up starting comedy while I was in film school for my first year. And then that ended up just taking precedent. Mm hmm. Because that's a it's a lot easier to get noticed as a stand up and as as a filmmaker. Sure. now I feel like I'm just doing my movie stuff on the side of second. But I always viewed standup as an avenue to get into what I really want to do. It's just like. Writing. Mm hmm. People do that. Yeah. Like the conduit or whatever. Yeah, but what kind of films are you watching that you? I mean, it's weird cause my movies are, like, not comedic at all. The stuff I write in my. I mean, I think I would be amazing, like writing comedy. I think I can do, like, off the cuff really well and, participate in a room. But, like, the stuff I write is more kind of odd and dramatic. MM The sort of shows that I like or like Buried or, The Curse or L.A., where it's like, funny, but it's kind of surreal and kind of dark. Mm hmm. Kind of experimental. Like, the stuff I write is really personal and kind of. dark and strange. And I'm influenced by, like, mainly seventies cinema. Mm. And mainly seventies music. Just that's I'm just like a big seventies. Me too. That's what I fucking love. And I like watching Italian horror films from the seventies because partly because of the music and Yeah, and just like, Oh my God, yeah, yeah, yeah. The lighting and the music. Yeah. I, I love to create a creative, visual and sonic vibe. Yeah. Into in my filmmaking, I like, like a man movie with this great actor, Tomasz Brown, and it's sort of like a period piece of early seventies about sort of a piece of shit private eye. Uh huh. Who is supposed to be investigating the disappearance of a local girl, but his girlfriend left him, so he's like preoccupied with that. Yeah, it's combining the two women in his head. Oh, that's that's either maybe. Drunk or over the night. And it's sort of just like an inner monologue of a of a broken person. Oh, that sounds. That sounds really incredible. That I like to write. And it has, like, humor in the dialog and stuff, but it's more natural feeling to me than, like, something worse. I can't I don't really love stuff that's just jokes, jokes, jokes. Mm hmm. I love that in standup. Like in standup, I'm really all about the jokes and the punch line and like, people who have actual jokes and but through writing, I feel like I like the more organic sort of character based joke, If it's less contrive, here's some. Crazy situation that the character finds himself in and it's more like, the funny thing is how the character reacts to a normal instead of a character reacting to a crazy situation in a normal way. Mm hmm. Reacting to a normal situation in, like. Crazy, right? I love that. the kind of movies that that I like. I mean, like, I think my favorite movie is Midnight Cowboy, because the music, the everything is so sad and and I've seen it so many times. I start crying the second there and get on the bus at the end. By the way. I just saw Days of Heaven. Oh, my God, no. Richard Gere, like, you know, like a 90 minute long visual poem about America and like the 19 tens. Jeez. it has this sort of, like, timeless biblical quality, like all of the story beats. Visuals are, like, taken from, like, old Testament. Oh, wow. How fucking cool. It's just so cool to have a movie that came out like 50 years ago that is set 50 years from when it was. Yeah. And it's still as timeless as it ever was because the themes and the characters that it's exploring. This isn't Wings of Desire, is it? What did you call it? It's days. Oh, okay. It's kind of like that, though. Yeah, I love that kind of stuff. Like Paris, Texas, Right? That's I think that might be Garrett's favorite movie. I love. I love any kind of 70 seconds. Yeah. Oh, I now I think it was better. But it was. Seventies, eighties, better than a visual text. Yeah. That I really I just love the way that those movies look and sound. When is Once Upon a Time in the West at 66. Yeah. The things to come from the 30 I've heard of. No. It's so good. It's H.G. Wells, but jeez. Wow. It's really. It's not. It's a complicated. We really like science fiction and fantasy. Yes, I had to watch that. I was writing a horror feature, and I really, like. Like horrors. I've been making sort of like, experimental horror shorts about this thing called frogging. Mm hmm. If you're aware of this. But it's where someone lives in your house without, you know, knowing. Who God, that already gives me the creeps. In the creepiest thing. Yeah. A house in Hawaii and in the bathroom upstairs. You know, sometimes there's just, like, a panel in the ceiling. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, up a little bit, too. Like with. But, like, you can see the dark crack into the. And so that's kind of the stuff I've been making as I'll just go, Wow. My ideas sort of like, how can I make mundane footage scary? Mm hmm. Just through visual and sonic. Oh, yeah. So literally, just going around, I used to live in this crazy, creepy old Victorian house on a hill, and you can just go around and shoot little things like the alley, the smoke detector hanging off the wall or like just little things. And then I would add, like, I'm the last one I did. I did news report, audio, a plane break, and underneath and then added sort of like a droning sort of like horror score underneath that. And then it's just sort of shots of an empty house. And it's cool. Footage that sort of adds the context of what you're seeing. It's kind of like this. There's this old Russian guy who he would just take one shot of just a person's face, like just like this. And then he would do a split screen and then next to the face, he would put like a bowl of soup or a person dying. Or, wow. War or like peaceful field. Mm hmm. And it was the same shot of the guy for each thing. But based on what was shown next to him is how you read his expressions. Oh, that's that's amazing. He could have a blank expression. But if you're if you're showing him reacting to war footage and you read it as being like he wanted to show it next to, like a peaceful meadow, it's just like, wistful. And so it's it's like you can almost derive context and meaning out of anything based on what you put it next. Yeah. And tell you that story yesterday about the cruise ship. And I found I was keeping myself as a performer and I wasn't dreaming that my father had a glass of champagne once. I was like on the deck watching the sunset, having, like, a moment of like, look at that. Look at me. I didn't know. I was like, I'm all over the world. Yeah, yeah. And then I feel the tap on my shoulder and it's two cruise workers and like, Hey, how's it going? I'm like, I'm just enjoying the sunset. They look for how are you feeling? Okay. I was like, Oh my God, They think I'm about to kill myself on security and probably saw me, like, leaning over the edge or Oh, that's amazing. I was having was like a narcissistic, like. Oh, that's so. Funny. We have a jumper. Oh, my God. Oh, you know, that's like, my joke about how I. I think nobody in any of the schools I went to cared that I wasn't a bad student because they expected me to kill everybody in. When. As long as you can have it to seven. As long as you know I'm a guy. Yeah. Yeah. Don't rattle this kid. Yeah, exactly. Let's. Let's do baby. You know, I was thinking of, you know, what I like more, you know, about seventies in movies up to the seventies? Is they were allowed to breathe, like, and be real? Like everything wasn't right. Like in the horror film. Don't look now I know it. Yeah. There are so many, like, just quiet moments. Women by open. Do you. Know. That? It's like, sort of a movie I'm obsessed with. It's Shelley Duvall and a couple other people. I forget who, but maybe the girlfriend. Carrie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like in the seventies. You could just make a movie where it just kind of follows a character. Yeah. With a woman. Yeah. Jewels. Really? Something that's amazing. And, you know, there was a in 1964, one of the actors that I've always been in love with is Anne Bancroft. Oh, my God. And you have to see the what she won her Oscar for or against Craft. Really? Oh, I like that. I was trying to get my hair like it's pumpkin eater and it was fucking this incredible movie. And she won an Academy Award for it. It was in 1964, and there was this whole Oh yeah, and there's this whole back story because Joan Crawford was so nutty. I guess she wasn't invited to the awards or she wasn't up for anything. So she asked Anne Bancroft if she could accept her award. Do I have that wrong story? Wait. Didn't get nominated right then who Bette Davis did? Yeah. So does sweep it out. She called all the nominees. Right? I'll accept. Except. Okay. Right, right, right. Yeah, but. But she did accept it. And you know what? She did accept it for Anne Bancroft. Oh, but that's the year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 64. Yeah, yeah. And Betty Davis lost. She lost Anne Bancroft. Yeah, but because. What's her face? Joan fucking Crawford still wanted to be up there. So she really. What happened with the native woman that Marlon Brando brought up to accept his Oscar actually called him and was like, Hey, can I. Oh, Oh, I would love that. God damn it. I was like, Yeah, okay. Great book is probably the best book on Hollywood I've ever followed. Oscar Uh huh. By Michael Schulman. Oh, wow. It's the same guy. I read the Meryl Streep biography, but he he like, writes for Vanity Fair and stuff. But it's basically a history of the Oscars. However, it's basically just a history of Hollywood because it's just viewed through that lens. But like what you're describing has happened basically every year and every time. Really, there's so much behind the scenes stuff at the Oscars. So even I didn't know about and it's people say like, oh, it's fixed or they're trying to make themselves look good based on the nominees now and stuff literally before, like people can buy nominations or awards. But that's literally been the case since the whole. Yeah. And the Oscars started. It was run by all the agents and managers. Oh, I wanted to publicize their movie through the awards show. Oh, my God. What It's been this whole time. It's a it's a publicity. Yeah. Dave has always said about Joan Crawford. She's like, she was so stupid. She was like, we would have each one made$1,000,000 more if she'd won the Oscar campaign against her own movie. Oh, because. Oh, because of the Grudge. Movie and won an Oscar for anything. Yeah. You know, I. Just heard it would have been better. If everybody knew. Damn their whole their it's like athletes where it's like, if you do this, this or this, you get this bonus. Yeah. Same thing for awards. And they like to. Fact. Literally in contracts for directors and stuff, it's like if you get nominated for so-and-so awards, you get this amount of background. Yeah. Wow. I didn't know that. Was fucking nuts. There's a good story. She was a guest on the Lucy show and was so hammered and like she they said she was puking between scenes, but. But she was in her dressing room, and Lucille Ball went to her dressing room off the set and made a phone call to Joan in her dressing room. And fucking writer. The writer. Wow. In this book about Joan and and that movie, I highly recommend it for gay. For it's a very queeny. For people. Yeah. Everything attached to that movie is very if gay. For women who hate other. Women. No. No, no, no, no. I really that I wish that didn't happen. Gay men love like the tragic end of like a of like gangs. Why? Okay, Yeah. You get Ryan Murphy's career. Well, like, I'm in search of all of that 1980. Yeah. Yeah, like Carol Channing. And. Like a it can't wait for American Crime Story and Zendaya and Ryan Murphy telling the story of Taylor Swift and Travis. And that's history. Oh, my God. It's the same. It's. It would be the same. That's how they made OJ show. Max, will you please plug yourself in a confident way? Yeah, Well, follow me on Instagram at Max. Obviously, he was too wise on Instagram, and I have all my tan updates and movies and stuff on there. yeah, I've come out to a show. I just put on my first Max presents show, which Laura was on, and I think it was her. Alison I loved it. It was such a great room to do more. The first one I had Laura, John Daly, Reggie Watts, bunch of people. So I'm going to try and keep that going. Yeah, Hopefully in 2024 I'll get hired to work on something that isn't my insurance that day job. Woo hoo! Yay! Yay! Max, Thanks. Yeah. I hope I get to see you again. All right. Thanks. I don't know when this is dropping, but happy. Whatever it is, Happy 911. Think it comes out? Sure. Yeah, yeah. Okay, great. E awesome. Let's go. Pete.