Criticism Decoded: Why It Hurts and How to Make It Help | Holistic Happiness Club | EP 56
Jul 09, 2024Season 1Episode 56
Akshay Tiwari
Welcome to another enlightening episode of the Holistic Happiness Club, hosted by Akshay Tiwari. In this episode, "Criticism Decoded: Why It Hurts and How to Make It Help," we delve deep into the often painful experience of receiving criticism and uncover the hidden potential it holds for personal growth.
Criticism can sting, but understanding its roots and learning how to process it constructively can transform it into a powerful tool for self-improvement. Join us as we explore the psychological and evolutionary reasons behind why criticism affects us so deeply and discover practical strategies to turn negative feedback into positive change.
In this episode, you will learn:
The evolutionary basis of our sensitivity to criticism and its impact on our behavior.
The different types of critics you may encounter and how to identify their motives.
Proven techniques to build resilience and embrace criticism with an open mind.
A step-by-step framework to assess, respond to, and act on criticism effectively.
Whether you struggle with taking criticism to heart or seek ways to harness its potential for growth, this episode offers valuable insights and actionable advice to help you navigate the complex landscape of feedback. Tune in and learn how to decode criticism, so you can transform hurtful words into stepping stones toward a happier, more fulfilled life.
Download my ebook - https://lp.akshaytiwari.in/ebook
Book 1 to 1 call with me - https://lp.akshaytiwari.in/1to1
✅ About Holistic Happiness Club: My Channel is about Holistic Happiness.
I come up with the topics I think are necessary for 360 degrees of happiness; when I say holistic happiness or 360-degree happiness, it includes health, Success, career, work life, social life, and every other aspect of life. I focus on mental health primarily, but mental health cannot be excluded from any aspect of life.
So, my focus is Happiness, which includes not only positive psychology like gratitude, mindfulness, surrender, forgiveness, letting go, etc., but also your success in life, be it in your career or anything else that you consider a success. I believe Happiness can only be inclusive.
Welcome to another enlightening episode of the Holistic Happiness Club, hosted by Akshay Tiwari. In this episode, "Criticism Decoded: Why It Hurts and How to Make It Help," we delve deep into the often painful experience of receiving criticism and uncover the hidden potential it holds for personal growth.
Criticism can sting, but understanding its roots and learning how to process it constructively can transform it into a powerful tool for self-improvement. Join us as we explore the psychological and evolutionary reasons behind why criticism affects us so deeply and discover practical strategies to turn negative feedback into positive change.
In this episode, you will learn:
The evolutionary basis of our sensitivity to criticism and its impact on our behavior.
The different types of critics you may encounter and how to identify their motives.
Proven techniques to build resilience and embrace criticism with an open mind.
A step-by-step framework to assess, respond to, and act on criticism effectively.
Whether you struggle with taking criticism to heart or seek ways to harness its potential for growth, this episode offers valuable insights and actionable advice to help you navigate the complex landscape of feedback. Tune in and learn how to decode criticism, so you can transform hurtful words into stepping stones toward a happier, more fulfilled life.
Download my ebook - https://lp.akshaytiwari.in/ebook
Book 1 to 1 call with me - https://lp.akshaytiwari.in/1to1
✅ About Holistic Happiness Club: My Channel is about Holistic Happiness.
I come up with the topics I think are necessary for 360 degrees of happiness; when I say holistic happiness or 360-degree happiness, it includes health, Success, career, work life, social life, and every other aspect of life. I focus on mental health primarily, but mental health cannot be excluded from any aspect of life.
So, my focus is Happiness, which includes not only positive psychology like gratitude, mindfulness, surrender, forgiveness, letting go, etc., but also your success in life, be it in your career or anything else that you consider a success. I believe Happiness can only be inclusive.
Hello and welcome back to another interesting episode of Holistic Happiness Club. And today's episode. As I said, it is interesting. It is going to be about criticism. Criticism. Although it's challenging, but it can be very powerful tool for our growth if we embrace it with open mind and heart. But to embrace it, because it is hard to embrace criticism with open mind. So to embrace criticism with open mind and heart, we need to understand the nuances behind criticism, what criticism is from where it originates, and how can we be prepared to handle criticism in a positive manner. So we will understand all this in today's episode. But before starting today's episode, I just want to say thank you so much. Thank you for tuning into holistic happiness club and deciding to spend the next few minutes with holistic happiness club and with me. I'm so grateful that you have decided that and I am committed to provide you the best value of your time invested right. So thank you so much. And special thanks to all of those who decide and who choose to listen to holistic happiness club every single week. Thank you so much. Your investment of time is the fuel and it is the motivation behind us that is the fuel that keep us going. So please keep the support coming all the time, as you have already and always have been doing. I'm so, so grateful for your support. Without further delay, let's dive into today's topic. Hi. My name is Akshay Tiwari, and by education and by profession, I am a software engineer. But by passion, I am a holistic happiness coach. I am the author of the book named Ashar. I am the founder of Holistic Happiness Club. Holistic Happiness Club is the place where we talk about happiness holistically. We understand that happiness is not a single faceted concept. It's a multifaceted thing, and that's why it needs to be looked at from a 360 degree perspective. Everything that contributes to our life, that is connected to our life, that is a contributor for our happiness, be it our health, be it our relationship, be it our wealth, career, or business or anything else. That's why we consider and we talk about everything in holistic happiness club. More about me and more about holistic Happiness club at the end of the episode. But for now, let's dive into today's topic. Alright, so let's start with the topic now. Let's understand what criticism is and why criticism matters to all of us. So many people you might have met and you might have seen, they will say that it doesn't matter what others are saying about you don't care about it. But if only it was so easy. It's not easy because we are designed to listen to other people. We are designed to care about what others are saying. So we need to understand why it is so. Because if you go back like 100, 200, 300, 400 years back, we are here on this earth for lakhs of years or, and we are in civilization for thousands of years at least, okay? And only as recently as 400, 500 years ago, we started getting disconnected. Our society has started getting disconnected and it started becoming more and more transactional. All right? And it is as recent, I think as 50 or 100 years ago, not more than that. So nowadays, if you are living alone and if you are going out and if you want to purchase anything from a supermarket, if you have money, you can purchase anything. All right? So nowadays we are a lot more disconnected compared to if you go back 100, 200 years ago when we used to live mostly in villages and very close knit societies. So if a person is saying something bad about you, you might be outcasted from the community. And if you are outcasted from the community, our survivor was a question. Because humans could not survive outside of the community. There were very, very few. If you are outcasted from the community, it's very hard from where you are going to get food. Even if you are working hard to whom you will sell your labor. If you are some, let's say you are a farmer, you are producing some crops, but you are not able to sell because you are outcasted from the community, nobody will buy from you. So it is important, it was important for us to care about what others are saying. And that's why still it is there in our DNA to care what others are saying. Still the criticism matters to us. We are designed to listen to other and we are designed to change our actions and our words based on whether they will be liked or not. You know, because we are a social animal. We are a gregarious animal who lives in societies. And that is why it is very important that we make a harmonious connection with all of us around. And that's why criticism matters to us, right? So if this much is clear, then let's dive a little deeper and let's try to understand what criticism really is. Okay? What it is so another story about evolution. We have been evolved for so many years and we have adopted in such a way that anything that is not familiar to us, we quickly try to notice that because it used to help us in surviving. If we are going to certain place and if something is not familiar to us, if something is unknown, then we used to back off because there is, there are chances that this place can be dangerous. There can be people to whom you don't know and whom they are not very familiar to you. And there can be wild animals as well. Alright? So we quickly notice anything that is not serving us. We quickly notice that anything that is not familiar to us, okay? Now, this familiarity when it comes to the society as sophisticated as ours, where there are so many things, there are so many moving parts and variables. When this familiarity can be represented or it is represented through our values. So there are few things. Let's say that I value, okay? For example, I value time, okay? And there is other person who is more result oriented, okay? Who is more. He's not process oriented or whatever. He is result oriented. He wants that that result should be there. Now let's assume that that person is working under me, okay? And I have designed a process that, okay, this
particular task, it should be started at 02:
30 p.m.
and it should be finished by six, by 06:
00 p.m. the other person who is goal oriented and result
oriented, he started that task at 03:
30 p.m.
and he finished that task before 06:
00 p.m. now he has achieved the target. But in my eyes, who values time so much? I spent 1 hour from 230 to 330 thinking what this guy is doing. Because to me it was supposed
to be started at 02:
30 p.m. sharp. Because I am someone who values time so much. And according to me, if you are not able to value your time, I mean, I'm just taking example. I'm talking about that person that if you are not able to take care of the time that you have committed or that I have given to
you that you have to start at 02:
30 p.m. you were not able to start. And to me you are almost waste. It depends how much I value time. If in my priority time is on a very, very high priority on a top list, then according to me that person is a waste of time. That person doesn't. I mean, that person is not good even though he has completed the task and even though he has produced the result. Still according to me that person is not going to be good, okay? Because he is not functioning according to my values. Okay? For me, it is just a matter of luck or chance or
whatever that he was able to finish the task by 06:
00 p.m. but according to me, he was
supposed to start at 02:
30 p.m. so this is what criticism is. When we see that things are not matching with our ideas of how they should be, then we quickly notice that there is a difference. This is how I want these things and this is how these things are, right? And when there is a difference of our ideal scenario and that and the scenario in which things are being played out, then I tend to criticize. That criticize means I tend try to find out and voice out the differences. If I have the authority that, hey, listen, you had to do this in particular way, but you have done this. You are not not doing it correctly. You are doing it wrong or whatever. Okay? So from this place, the criticism arises when it does not match with my own values. Okay? So I have given this example in the first person. Now try to imagine the same scenario in third person. So you are the person who is doing everything right according to you. But there is a third person who is seeing and watching and observing your actions. And then your actions are not matching with his idea of how it should be happening. Okay? When it is not matching that person, what that person will do, he will criticize. That's right. So this is where criticism arise. So we need to understand that this is criticism is nothing, but it is the difference between the idea of how things should be and the reality that how things really are. Now everyone can have a different idea. I can have a different idea. You can have a different idea. If things are matching according to my idea, it's good for me. If it is not matching according to your idea, you will start criticizing me. Okay? So I hope this understanding of criticism is clear to you because this is the foundation of dealing with criticism. All right. All right. So let's move forward now. Now let's understand that you are receiving this criticism. Now we understand that it is coming from the person from according to whose idea things are different. Okay? Now we need to understand that how many type of this criticism can be there and how many type of person can give you this criticism. So the type one is from the person who dislike you. Okay? Someone who does not like you, they will try to find out what is wrong. Even though you are doing 99 things right. If you are doing one thing wrong, they will point out that one thing because that person does not like you. It's as simple as that. That person is trying to find out fault in your behavior. All right? So that is type one. Type two is people who love you and who support you, okay? So they will also criticize. Now, why they will criticize. Number one, because it is not fitting into their core values, okay? Their idea of how things should be. Now, why they are criticizing, because according to them, it should be in a particular way. And if it is not in a particular way, it is going to be harmful for you. So what they are trying to do is they are trying to protect you. Okay? So that is why you receive criticism from your supportive loved ones also. And then third type of criticism that you receive is from someone who is a chronic critique, okay? I am someone who is, who is very good at finding differences in what is not working. I mean, not working. It's a separate thing. If you try to show me a positive side, my mind quickly turns and try to find out that what is negative in this, why there is so much positive. If you will try to show me, show me a negative side, my mind quickly turn and it will try to find out what is positive in this situation. Because I am someone. Leave the because part. Because I just am like that. Okay? There can be multiple reasons for that. I'm not. We are not discussing me here. We are discussing criticism, okay? So if somebody is like that who is very quick to find out the differences and who is very quick to criticize anything because it is not according to how it should be ideally, right? So that person will also criticize. Now you need to understand. See, there are three different people. Three different type of people who is criticizing your actions, okay? Now you need to understand it is originating from one root, okay? The root is that it is not matching with their idea of ideal, okay? Now, somebody who dislike you and somebody who love you, both are finding the differences according to their own core values. And when you distinguish these two things, that there is a person who does not like me and there is a person who likes me. Both are critique. To whom should I listen to? And there is a third person who generally finds fault in every system, in every action. To whom should I listen to and how much I should listen to this person? Even if the person does not like you. Okay? So even if you are doing everything perfectly, if you have left one corner, that person who does not like you, that person will try to find out that one corner. So you can be thankful for that person to find out that one corner where you can still improve. Okay? And if you, if the criticism is coming from a loved one, then you can still, again, you can be thankful and you can think from this perspective that this person is trying to protect me. So there is a scope, which I am leaving, maybe, which I am leaving, which can be improved in order to protect my future interest. And if there is, if it is the criticism which is coming from a chronic critique, then still, again, you can take it positively and you can understand that it is coming from a person who generally, who is designed, whose mind is designed in such a way that he is trying to find fault always. So there are some problems. Let me fix them. Okay. So this is very crucial to understand. Number one, the understanding of the criticism from where it arises. It arises from the differences between the core values, the idea of how it should be and the idea of how it is. And then there are three different type of people who can criticize you. And then you need to decide, okay, how much I need to listen to them and how should I take action upon that. All right. All right. Let's move forward. And before moving forward, I have a very, very special request to all of you. I have a request that if you are listening this podcast on Spotify or iTunes, they have a special feature that you can rate this show up to the five star. You can also leave your feedback or comment about what you, what else you want to listen to me? How did you like this podcast? What else is missing? As we are talking about criticism, you can talk about that. What is. You can be a critic of this podcast and you can tell me what is still missing, what else you want me to cover. Alright? And if you are listening this podcast on YouTube, please like this video, please share this video with people with to whom you think that this can be beneficial. And please subscribe to the channel so that you can stay up to date with latest episodes. Right? So this was the special request. Let's move forward with the topic. Okay. Now what are the strategies to handle criticism? So there are four points I will be covering under this section. So number one is build resilience. Number two is embrace the lesson. And number three is let go and keep the lesson. Let go of the criticism, but keep the lesson. And number four is prioritize meaningful opinions. Okay? So build resilience. So what is building resilience? So number one thing that you need to understand from where the criticism is arising, from whom it is coming. And you need to understand that every, every criticism is an opportunity for you to improve upon not that every person who ever is trying to point a finger of what you have done that needs to be taken care. Maybe may not be because if it is not aligning with your values, maybe you don't want to fix it. But you can listen and you can think of that, okay? Can it be improved in the way I am moving forward? Okay. All right. So you can listen to them and understanding is the key to build the resilience. So if you understand that, okay, the criticism is for me, criticism is an opportunity for me to grow, okay? If you understand that it's coming from a loved one, they are trying to protect you. You will not have that kind of anger against them that why they are criticizing. If you are receiving a criticism from the person who does not like you, you will understand that this person anyways does not like me. So his job is to criticize. Okay? Let him do his job. My job is to move forward and grow. I will do that. Okay? And if it is coming from a chronic critique, then you can understand that, okay, there are some fault. Let me try to improve if there is a possibility. All right. So second point which I talked, which I said that embrace the lesson again, as I said that you need every criticism is an opportunity, that there is a possibility that you can improve. So you need to look at again from a critical mind that can you improve upon this or can you not? Okay. Third thing is, don't take the criticism on your head. See, this requires some practice. It will not come from the day one. But if you have, if you have decided that you are not going to take the criticism on your head, on your heart, then slowly but surely you will start doing that. You will be able to do it. So the point is that you let go of the criticism, but keep the lesson. So somebody who has criticized you, you don't, don't try to remember the whole episode that how he has criticized you, but try to remember the lesson why that person has criticized you. Is there any possibility that I can improve upon? Okay. And third, on the fourth and the last thing is to prioritize meaningful opinions. So understand from whom it is coming. Is this the person who is a chronic critique or is this a person who loves me and support me and wants to protect me and that's why this person is criticizing me. All right. So these things you need to keep in mind to deal with criticism. All right. Now, a five step framework for handling criticism. So this will cover this will. This needs to be looked at from the previous four points where I talked about the strategies of handling the criticism. And now this. This is a five step process that you need to follow that will help you build resilience. Let go of the criticism, but keep the lesson, etcetera. Okay? Number one, decide in your head that you are going to receive criticism no matter what you do. Number one. And you are going to receive it with grace. Whoever is going to criticize, he or she is giving you an opportunity that you can make amends and you can move forward in a better way. Whether you take that opportunity, whether this is really an opportunity for you, it's something different. But if you keep this in mind that whoever is criticizing you, they are offering you an opportunity. If you have this in your heart, so whoever is criticizing you, you will be thankful that they are giving you an opportunity to grow. Okay. Second point is same, similar which I have just covered, that understand this. Understand from where it is coming, what is the perspective, who is criticizing you. When you understand that, you will be able to take it more positively. And don't forget to say a thank you to that person. Whoever is criticizing, even if you don't feel like saying thank you, still say thank you. It changes things in a long run. Okay. Third thing is reflect and assess. When you have received the criticism received with grace, you have already said thanks and you have understood the perspective and the intention behind that criticism. Now you need to reflect back. Reflect on that criticism or the comment which has been made, and you need to carefully consider the feedback. Then you need to determine which elements are valid and which may be biased or unfounded. So let's take an example. You are trying to build a business for yourself, and you have been in a job for, let's say, 15 years now. When you are trying to build a business, your family member will say, why you are trying to build a business. You are in a job, you are doing good, you are earning well, you are getting two days off in a week and etcetera, etcetera. Try to understand that they are trying to protect you. Number one, your interest and their interest also, okay? That's why they don't want you to get into the uncomfortable situation of business, running a business, okay? That's. That's what they understand. That's what their value is. That's what their belief system is. So they are seeing the world. They are seeing the whole process from their lenses, that it is not easy why this person is getting into uncomfortable situations. What they are trying to do is they are trying to protect you, okay? They are trying to protect you from this unnecessary discomfort or uncomfort according to them. And if it is some person who is, uh, let's say some person who does not like you and he is saying that why you are trying to get into business, it's not easy, why you are wasting resources, etc. Etcetera. Maybe you can think it in this way that that person wants to pull you down. He is jealous or something. That he does not want you to want to see you prosperous. That you need to assess what is your core value. Your core value is maybe creating more value, adding more value to people's life. And that is why you are getting into a business. Your core value is to solve problems and that is why you are getting into a business that solves some problem for people. Alright? So if it is aligned with your values, then you need to see how it is aligned with others value. If it is not aligned, it's okay. If it is, then you need to try to see from where it is coming again coming back to same thing that you need to see from where it is coming and what is the perspective and intention behind it. Right? So reflect and assess. That was the third point. Fourth point is respond, don't react. Think through and, and understand and craft a thoughtful response that acknowledges the criticism and also clarifies your perspective. That why you are doing what you are doing and outlines a plan for improvement. You can say that. Say to that person, okay, that I have heard you. Thank you so much for your criticism. And here is the way I am going to take it forward. Here is the way I'm going to include it going forward in my plan. All right? And the fifth one and the most important one, take action on that criticism. See, everything else will be waste if you are not taking action. Not taking action willfully is also an action. Okay. Try to understand this one that you have taken the criticism, you have understood, you have thanked that person, you have reflected and assessed, you have responded. Now you need to understand whether you are going to incorporate this thing or not, whether you are going to improve this particular thing or not. If you are going to improve, then take the decision that this is how you are going to improve. And if you are not, then take the decision that you are not going to improve, but make it a conscious decision that you are not going to improve. There is a difference making a conscious decision that you are not going to work on it and just not able to work on it. Okay? So make it a conscious decision if you are not going to work on it. Okay. Taking an action will solidify everything. It will solidify that you receive the next criticism with grace. Reflect and assess. You understand and thank that person and you respond carefully because last time you have seen that this has helped you grow. So next time more likely you are going to continue with the same process. Alright? So this is the five step framework for handling criticism, right? Even after understanding everything. Also, there might be times when people criticize you and we get offended. It's okay. We all are human and we don't. We, you means we take criticism seriously and sometimes we get offended. It's okay. So don't get very harsh on yourself that even after understanding all these things, I am not not able to handle criticism in a positive manner. Every so, after understanding this, even so, let's say today, every time a person is criticizing you, ten out of ten time, you are reacting to that person in a, in a not so good manner, okay? And it is always there in your head and it is tickling and increasing your stress. After understanding all those things, even if it comes down from ten to eight or seven, that's also a progress. Next month, if it has come down to seven, then if you will start working on that consciously, next one, it will come down to six, then five, then four. Every progress is a progress. That's what I'm trying to say. And if you miss the mark one time, don't be harsh on yourself. Because our evolution is like that, that we are not able to take criticism lightly. It's okay if. It's okay if we are not able to take it lightly. All right, so that was all about criticism in this episode. So the topic of the day is covered. But before I end this episode, I just want to make this announcement that I have this ebook. The name of the ebook is the happiness blueprint. Practical strategies for a fulfilled life. It's a pocket size ebook. It has a lot of actionable steps that you can apply, that you can take right now and apply in your life and increase your happiness. Question. It's a very small book full of actionable steps. So please go ahead and download this ebook and start applying those things in your life right now. The link to download this ebook is given in the description or in the show notes. Okay? Also, if you want to connect with me on a one to one basis, then you can connect with me. We will discuss what are your roadblocks for your happiness and success, and how we can design a personalized and tailored happiness blueprint for you. Okay? We, we all need to will be on the call. So if you want to book that one to one call, the link is given in the description or in the show notes. And if you want to connect with me on social media, Instagram is the place because I'm most active on Instagram. Happiness architect is my Instagram handle and if you want to check out more information about me, you can go to my website which is Akshayativari dot in. Alright, alright so this is the end of the episode. Till the time next time we are seeing each other again. We are connecting again. Take care of you, take, take care of yourself, take care of your loved one and take care of the people around you. And God bless you. Bye bye. Peace and always remember, happiness is a lifestyle.
