S1 E5: The Super Wise Grace Episode

When do you know when to let go of a situation? Is it when you cannot see a peaceful resolution to the situation? Is it when the issue is harmful to you mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually? Is it when there is no change – no willingness to change…no acknowledgement that there is an actual problem; no progressive action? When you are able to recognize harmful patterns… then GO…and go fast.

…but when do you stay? When do you give grace?

Transcript

What's up, good people? Welcome back to the Speak Space. Before we really get started, though, I want to say a big, happy thank you to all of my supporters, to everyone who has given the podcast their ear, who has provided feedback. I am definitely grateful for you, and I want you to know that coming from me, I appreciate your support. Thank you very much. All right, so with that said, let's get into it. Today's episode will be about grace. And this is something that is very close to my heart because it's something that is really easy to not do. And I think it's something that is right up there with breathing, eating, using the bathroom, being clean, giving love, showing love. I think grace should be right up there amongst the things we need to survive, because it really is something that we as a human race, we need to survive. And I want to start out by talking about something that actually is the catalyst for this specific conversation. About a month ago, I did a really hard thing. I let go of someone who I felt I loved, and I hadn't considered the complexity of this person. I hadn't given myself nor him an opportunity to show up fully. I showed up on what I felt was my best behavior, and I was kind of considerate. I started off patient, and I cared a lot about this person. But the truth of the matter is, I was not as accountable as I could have been. In his own way, to his credit, he showed up as who he was. I know in my heart that I knew in my heart that the outcome of the situation wasn't something he necessarily intended, but I can see how it got there. But I do want to give him credit for showing up the way he did. But I knew in my heart, too, during that whole experience, that prior to him, the same heart that I felt so much love for him with was the same heart that I had experienced so much hurt prior to him. And the truth is that I wanted him to show up more because of fear. I can admit now that I probably wanted him to show up more than he had the ability to. And to be fair, he actually said that he wasn't in a space to reciprocate much of the affection in the energy that I had given to him. And I had asked him to confers about that because I wanted to know where he was coming from. I needed to have that conversation. So I can understand him, but he never wanted to. And I just wanted him to take me wherever he was trying to go, right? Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, that is. I wanted him to take me there, wherever he was trying to go. But he didn't want to. No matter the reason, he didn't want to. And that's his right. And I thought I wanted to be where his heart was. So I continued to invest my time and energy. He didn't match that. He did what he knew how to do, I would say, in that moment. But that action, the words, it's just not something that it's not a language that I know, which made it very triggering for me, which led to resentment and anger and eventually me just blocking him out. I mean, no contact, no nothing. Just gone. And it took me about a month and a half to really do some inner healing work on myself. To acknowledge and honor that. Reciprocity is at the top of my list when it comes to things I need to feel seen and loved. And there were times in that particular situation where I felt like he may have purposely or purposefully neglected me because he thought he could. Maybe so, maybe not, but I felt taken for granted, and that is that's a pretty low feeling. You know what I'm saying? I felt like I had been wronged. I also knew, though, that I had played a major role in my having come to feel that way. And I knew before I blocked him out that I wanted to do some healing work to dig into my role in that. And I needed to do some healing work to address my role in that. But before I could do it, I had to come to a place on the other side of that resentment and anger because I was mad at him. I really made up in my mind that he had wronged me when what he had actually done was told me the truth. And I did not digest that truth in a way that he probably intended because of my own reasons. And I had to hold space for myself when I was ready to deal with when I was ready to deal with the core of that truth, when I was ready to acknowledge that there were fears that I had in myself that he didn't deserve to have projected onto him. He didn't ask for any of that. And I had to hold grace for myself for putting him in a position to react the way that he did. Now, I'm not taking any of his responsibility away because I firmly believe in just saying what you have to say. I know in his mind, he thought he was being nice, but sometimes being nice is being upfront and honest and just standing on that. You know what I'm saying? It'll save both parties a lot of time and a lot of effort. But I'll also say that you can't control how another person is or what another person does. But I realized as I was going through the wicked of those emotions that I just needed to stop. I really needed to stop because it was so far past him, and it was way more about things that had happened in my past a lot of the hurt that I was harboring and didn't even realize I was still harboring. And I had to give myself grace for not immediately recognizing that, because it is a pattern for me. And I had to give myself space to really feel that thing and sit with it. It's a really hard pill to swallow when you decide to heal from a hurt. And it's not just one or two hurts, it's a bunch of hurt, okay? And I thought I really and truly thought that I was over it. The truth of the matter is, I hid it very well, and I never truly dealt with it. I just kind of walked away from it, just like I had walked away from him. And I didn't want to have this baggage, really and truly. So I remember the day that I decided to block him. I mean, it was just like, weird energy that day. And I was like, you know what? If he's not going to reciprocate, if he's taking me for granted, I was like, F him. You feel me? He could find somebody else to do that shit, too. Ain't nobody about to treat me like that. All I did was show up for him. I loved him. All that ego, right? And I did. I shut him down. I mean, it was so petty because I like I unfollowed all his shit, social media, that is. And I blocked him. I was like, he'll never even try to say nothing to me. I was so good to him. Blah, blah, blah. Girl, the nerve. Because that dude ain't doing nothing. Seriously. When I think back on it, man, I was more hurt because he told me the truth. And dudes always say I find that men say, man, women want you to tell them the truth. They can't handle the truth. I was like, no, it's not. Won't you just tell them? I think I said it earlier in a podcast. Just be a hunter. You just tell them. Tell them what it is. It'll save everybody some time. That's what he did. He did. He basically said, I see what you're doing, but I ain't ready for that right now. And I was like, I hear what you saying, but I want you to be who does that? I did that, and that's what I got as a result of it. He was not horrible to me, even though I think in some cases he could have done things a little bit better. I know that there was transparency that needed to be had in that situation, and I wish that there was more transparency to help me understand certain things. But the bottom line up front is he straight up said, I ain't ready for what you're ready for. And I heard that, and I have pretty good sense. But I was like, she I was like, I ain't trying to hear that, man. Get ready. Get ready. If you stay ready, then you all had to get ready, right? Whatever. The dude said what he said, and I was like, no. How do you tell somebody how to feel? Anyway, going back to the grace? Because I did. I blocked him out. But that was my thing, though. I think I even told him that before I did it. That was my thing. Hurt is a mug, man. Nobody wants to feel that shit. Who wants to be hurt? And this is something that stems from my childhood. I had to block a lot of stuff out and just bury it, you know what I'm saying? I never really had an opportunity to fully heal from so many things, and I've healed from quite a few things. But when a trauma reveals itself to you and you're looking at it in the face and you want to believe that you've moved on from a thing and you realize you haven't, that's some scary shit because you become a different person. I was doing things that I just didn't want myself to do. The crazy part is the resentment that I had projected onto this guy, poor thing. It was really resentment that I had for myself in the moment. I was so upset that I had allowed myself to not listen when I understood what the man was saying. And see, this is where that grace comes in, because I was so hard on myself in the moment. I was like, how could you be? And I'm going to say exactly what I said to myself. Like, how could you be so stupid? This man just told you what he didn't want to do. But because in your mind and in your heart you thought he was so beautiful, you just couldn't believe that he has said no to you and it don't even have anything to do with your mind and your heart. He said no. And when he said it, when he was honest with you, you didn't know how to deal with it. So you kind of just acknowledged it. Very graciously, by the way. I did acknowledge it. I was very gracious about it. And then I fell right back into what it is that I wanted, not necessarily what he was trying to tell me, without being rude. And I don't think in the period of time that that was happening, I don't think his intention was ever to be rude to me. And I give him credit for that, and I thank him for that because he could have been really nasty. He was just really silent when I needed him to speak. But you know how people say silence is an answer? Silence really is an answer. And I just didn't want to interpret it. It was driving me crazy because my soul and my spirit knew what was happening. And I just didn't want to be a perpetual cycle or be a perpetual person, be a person who was on this perpetual will of searching for love. And let me tell you what the real fear of it all was for me. The real fear, the catalyst that drove me to my own breaking point with this was the fact that I didn't want to have to start all over with coming into someone who I could love, right? Because I'm not going to say I don't find love easily because I love easily, right? But when it comes to partnership in me, that's a whole different ballgame. And I was like, dad, he hits the mark on so many levels. But did he? Did he really? Because I didn't give either of us a chance to show up. And when I realized the truth in all of this, I was so hard on myself and the weight of that for me was too much. So I just shut down. And as I started to come out of that and really assess the situation for what it was, one of the first things that I thought to myself when my mind was a little bit more clear was that I needed to offer myself grace. And I also needed to extend grace to him too. Because I'm not going to say he was totally innocent, but I will say that he showed up in the moment the way he knew how everybody comes with things. And I know he came with things, and I know that I introduced my things to him as well. And for me to have told this man that I love him and then shut him out the way that I did was very telling to me. It was very telling to me because I had to figure out what I meant when I said that. I don't take that word love lightly at all. And for me to have said that to him in my mind, I was like, where did that come from? Did it come from fear? Did it come from me wanting to love? Was that projection? What was that? Now, I'll say this. The guy has a beautiful, beautiful spirit. He does. But he is as himself, just as complex of a person as I am. And I have yet to see all of the sides of who he is and why. So I had to make a head over heart decision and hold myself accountable. And I had to ask myself some questions because I knew that I wanted to do the healing work and I knew that I wanted to dig into it. So I started thinking, I was like, I get that. First of all, I admitted that I idealized the hell out of him. So much so that it was just one big fantasy. And it was the idea that I can have what I want. But I don't think I really and truly respected his free will because I just wanted what I wanted. And that's a very selfish thing, a very selfish way to be. And I had to figure out what was the honest situation like, girl, what's really going on with you? And this is why I really began to understand how this could have happened from the beginning. The bottom line is that I wanted to be in a relationship period, not with anybody. But he was special. He got when I tell you all this man ticked so many boxes. I was like, how can one person encompass all of these things and not be with me, holding myself in high regard, you hear me? But if it's you see, this is the thing. We are all walking on our own journeys and what I see with my eyes and what God created a person to be aren't the same thing. And who am I to decide who am I? And in my mind, I'm just like, Aaron, if you really love this man, just leave him alone. That is the single best thing you can do for your both because you should want him to live the best life that he could possibly live. You should want him to walk in the light of his purpose. You should want him to have you should want the peace of God in you to meet the peace of God in him and let that be whatever it is. And once I really understood the freedom and the love I said I felt for him, I couldn't even be mad anymore. Because I always had to go back to the fact that in the beginning he was honest. Even though sometimes the action didn't match up to the words, he was still honest. And I enjoyed when he entertained the idea of an us. I enjoyed when he would banter back and forth when he did. It just made the fantasy feel more real. But the truth of the matter is, I don't know. I don't know how he felt. I just know what he said and I know what he didn't do and I know what I did and didn't do. But I had to be courageous enough to accept the truth for what it is. I had to be brave enough to acknowledge and to sit with the fact that it's not a perfect situation, I'm not a perfect person, and that I come with all sorts of things. I mean, so many things bubbled up when I tell you this dude triggered me with just not saying anything. That triggered me because it was just a reminder of neglect. You know what I'm saying? And it's like I really had to go in, I had to go inside of myself and I had to really dig out, like do some excavation and hold and sit with my shadows. And I had to ask myself if I was willing to work through this to come out on the other side of it, a better person. And of course I am. Of course I am. But I was so shocked at what I dug up and the grace that I had to have for my damn self, because I thought maybe it was just that I needed to give him grace. I thought he was the one that was bringing all of these complexities into the situation, that he was the one who had the baggage and he was the one who had the trauma. It was all me. Not all me, but I played a major role in that too, you know what I'm saying? And it wasn't until I sat with my hurt and my resentment that I came into a space of grace where I acknowledged my role and I acknowledged the fact that I wasn't as good as I thought I was. There's absolutely shadow in all of that. And it played a role in how things happened. And I did what I normally do. That is shut down, run away, hide it, lock it up, act like it didn't happen, and keep it moving. That's probably one of the single most counterproductive things you could do when it comes to your spirit, when it comes to your mental well being, your emotional well being, even your physical well being, you know, don't be hiding shit and don't hide from shit. You gotta you gotta own it. And it happens in time, just when it bubbles up to the surface. And when you start to see that there's a pattern, that's a negative pattern, step back and give yourself some grace to figure it out. Because if you don't, number one, you're going to repeat the patterns and you're going to leave a wake of confusion and a lack of light as a result of your hurt. And as a result of your pain. You don't want that to be your legacy. For one, I have to try to mend what I've done with this cat, because at the end of the day, he's a good dude, but I have to kind of own the fact that I played a major role in how things happened. And it takes courage to be able to look your ugly in the face and say, man, that's a part of me. That's a part of me. And see the fear, the hurting, the ego that comes with extending grace, especially when you angry, is the biggest testament to who you really are and where you really are in your journey. Because, first of all, it was very hard to let this guy go because well, I'll say it was really hard to let the idea of him go because I just want it so hard to believe. But I was really hurt. I was hurt that a person. I was hurt because I was under an illusion that A, he was trying to hurt me. Like, I had been hurt before. He don't even know how I've been hurt before. I think I had shared with him before that I needed him to say things. I needed him to use his words with me because this dude, he kind of kind of quiet. And it's not even that he's quiet. It's just that he'll be responding. I don't know what's up with that. I was like, he'll respond quick. Not even quick. See, I could be patient because I don't respond to people either. So I'm just like, all right, this must be what they'd be talking about. It takes me a minute to respond to people if I respond to people, you know what I'm saying? If we see each other, we'll just have to revisit the conversation. But with this guy, he just well, let me tell you this. I'm not going to give him all of the excuses in the world, but I know I believe at that time he had a lot of stuff going on. I believe that. But he had time to respond. He really could have. And that shit pissed me off because I told him I need somebody to respond. And I wondered when he didn't, I was like, Is he fucking with me? Excuse my french. I'd be saying that word sometimes. But I was like, for real. I was like, Is this his way of pushing me away? Won't he just say what he got to say? Then you know what I'm saying? And that's what did it for me. I just thought the dude was really fucking with me and that he was trying to play with my mind and that he was being rude and nasty and just didn't have the cojones to say no. I was really upset and really disgusted. I was like, YTF, are you still here? If you don't want to be, I'm a grown ass woman. You could leave if you want to leave. Like we were ever together in the first place. I know he was probably like, this chick is crazy. I don't know. But I will tell you what I do know. I do know that a lot of what didn't go right with that had to do with me. And I will admit that he did play a role in some of that, too. But I was so hurt. I had so much fear and so much ego by the time I stepped away from that, I didn't know what to do but to shut down. And in my mind, it's so funny because the whole time, my spirit was like, Wait. What you doing? And then my spirit was like, you know what? You need to step away, but not for the reasons you thinking. I wasn't trying to hear that either. My ego was like, yeah, but if I say something because we would do this thing where we would just wait days to respond to each other. And I don't know. Maybe we have some of the same traumas. Maybe we have some of the same triggers because we used to do the same types of stuff. And I remember one of the last things that I said to him and I was like, I'm never saying anything to him again. I use the word never. I was like, I am never saying anything to him again. This is the last time he's going to ignore me. Because my ego had just convinced myself that this guy was just simply ignoring me. He didn't care enough to honor me with the response. And my heart was like, don't leave. Say what you have to say, but don't leave. And my mind and my ego was like, he going to do the same thing. This is who he is. This ain't what you want and this ain't what you need, which was true. I need somebody who's going to communicate with me gladly. But I had to realize that I can't control what he's going to do either way. And the decision that I needed to make was not rooted in whether or not he was going to do the same thing. The decision was, can you handle him not doing what you want him to do when you want him to do it? I was like, will he acknowledge and respect my effort if I kept trying? It ain't about me. When it really hit me that this thing was so much bigger than me and I told him this before, I think I told him this before, but when it really, really hit me that it was so much bigger than me, I was like, you know what? I need to chew. It took all that. It took all that for me. Like, yeah, I need to chill. And you know what? I give this guy credit because I think he allowed me in a very natural, organic type of way, to come to that conclusion. I tell you what, he was very in many ways, he showed me a lot of grace. Even when I thought I was practicing grace for him, I wasn't. It was something else. But he was in his own way, in varying occasions, showing me grace that I hadn't given to him. And he knows the things that he did do. All right, I'm not wrong in some of the stuff I did, but I will give him credit. And the reason why I'm talking about this situation is because this happens a lot to everybody, whether it be friendships, romantic situations, family or familial situations, and just in society in general, we want what we want and it shapes the reality of how we go into the world. And I relive it as I talk about it. Of course, this is one specific situation because it's just the most raw, but it was so telling at this point in my life where I was when it came to how I love, why I love, how I hurt and why I hurt. I needed him to kind of usher me into that growth because I consciously decided that I am going to jump off of that hamster wheel and I'm not doing it anymore. I have consciously decided that I'm going to come into a space of bowing out when the curtain closes, not going back and saying, no, this is still a stage though. We're just not going to have an audience. But this plate is going to happen. And especially when you want a thing. But see, the thing is, why do you want what you want the way you want it? Is it because you feel pressure to have a thing? Do you even know why you want a thing? Sometimes we don't even know. These are the types of questions that we need to ask ourselves. And this is the level of honesty that we need to come to know intimately when it comes to ourselves, especially when we want to be partnered, right? Grace plays such a large role in loving. It does. Because it takes you loving yourself. It takes you having love for existence outside of yourself, for you to show grace. Most of all. I believe that grace is such a spiritual thing. It's such a spiritual experience because it caused you to be selfless in a way that most of us haven't mastered yet, because we can't take ourselves outside of situations. Everything that happens is a reflection of us, to us, right? When the truth is that a lot of what happens is not a reflection of, well, I'll say it this way, how we react to things is definitely a reflection of us. But the things that happen to us, that's not us. Those things happen outside of us. And they bring out parts of us that we may not think are so savory. Parts of us that we haven't met yet sometimes. And that's okay. The thing about Grace, though, is that when we show ourselves love and it's a part of love and self care when we show ourselves love to hold space and to sit through the things that are ugly, that are not as savory, that just don't fit the overall idea of who we would like to be as a high vibration person. When we have the capacity to offer up grace firstly to ourselves, I think that's probably the biggest gift of humanity that you could absolutely give, because it gives us space to make mistakes and it also gives us space to redeem ourselves from the mistakes that we make. And that's important because we all need chances. Nobody's ever really going to get everything right the first time because nobody's perfect. And we are all constantly growing. We all only know what we know in the moment until we learn better. And that's what I had to give myself. I wanted to be the wiser. I wanted to be the person who was so funny because I didn't want to be the teacher, but I kind of wanted to be the teacher, the spiritual teacher, but he taught me. And that is so amazing. That is so amazing because I. Know that I have the capacity to see people's hearts, especially their spirits, because the way my life works, everything is led by spirit first. So before I meet you, I'll meet your spirit. And sometimes spirits are kind, but the people choose to be bad, bad. And it's so crazy because it's like dag. Deep down inside, you warn with yourself. I'm not saying that this was him, but there are people who exist like that, and everybody knows for the most part, what some of their shadow is like. I encourage us as a collective of people to embrace the things that we are not and to hold space for who we are becoming and to be gracious and kind to ourselves when we are not functioning at our highest vibration, because we are all growing, we are all learning. And it's not fair to expect people to just come out the gate and know. None of us know everything. We know what we know, but it's a whole lot of stuff that we have yet to learn. So that's all I have for you today. Thank you so much for listening. I appreciate your ear, and I look forward to us having our next conversation. Until next time, go be good people. Bye.