The myth of the Twin Flame or perfect Soulmate is robbing you of true love

Today is Valentine's Day and what better topic to speak to than love! More specifically, the notion that we must find our perfect soulmate or twin flame in order of find perfect, true love!

Join me as I dissect the myth of Twin Flames/perfect soulmates and discuss how attachment to these notions can be jeopardising your relationships and preventing you from creating a truly loving and safe connection.

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Intro and Outro music: Inspiring Morning by Playsound

You can also find me on Instagram @integrated_wisdom

Disclaimer: This podcast is intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended to be treated as psychological treatment or to replace the need for psychological treatment.

Transcript

Tatiana: 0:00

Welcome to the Integrated Wisdom Podcast. I am your host, Tatiana Da Silva. Join me as we discuss what it means to live an integrated life, explore ways for you to create a life filled with greater meaning, peace, and connection by integrating the wisdom of spirituality, psychology, neuroscience, epigenetics, and energy psychology. I hope to empower you to create deeper and more loving connections for to yourself and others whilst also paving the way for humanity at large to be reimagined and inspired to become the very best version of it. Hello and welcome to the integrated wisdom podcast. Thank you for joining me for yet another week. I have to apologize in advance for the huskiness in my voice. I have been quite unwell this last week. And. I'm coming out the other side, I feel definitely much better than I sound. But the voice is still. A little bit wobbly. So I apologize for that. Um, and hopefully he doesn't attract too much from your listening experience today. And in today's episode, I wanted to speak to. Something that's very timely. The episode gets dropped on Wednesday, 14th of Feb, which is of course, most parts of the world. Considered Valentine's day. Um, so I thought I would speak to the theme of the day. And that is love. Romantic love to be precise. And some of the traps that we can fall into that make our experience of loving relationships. More challenging than they need to be. I think a common one that crosses. The bounds of Interspirituality or spiritual concepts. Is this idea of twin flames. Or a soulmate one single soulmate that we're all looking for. This. Um, elusive other half that once we find that person, everything will align. The sky will open up and bliss will be showered upon us. And I really want us to speak to that today. Because I think it's, it's a concept that's very prevalent. And. Can can get in the way I think of. Genuinely good relationships. But also can, um, I think it can impede us from the learning and the personal growth. That our romantic relationships have to offer us. Well, I see. Romantic relationships as a gift. That we have. To, to learn and experience ourselves in a different context. Our romantic partners are often a mirror. For us. Of some of the things that we still need to, to address some of the things that we still need to learn. And I think when we're in the hunt for that perfect partner, that perfect relationship. We then miss out on some of these really juicy Lessons and learning opportunities. And that's a shame. One, because it sets us up to fail. Right. No relationship is perfect. Um, even if. The concept of a soul, a true soulmate, one true soulmate, or a twin flame were to be true. And we would talk a little bit more up to that point as we go through these episodes today. But even if that were true. Even if we own did have that. Soulmate. And at one twin flame. No relationship would ever be perfect because we're still talking about two imperfect human beings coming together. Right. As divinely inspired and matched as we may be. There are still challenges that are inevitable because of our humanity. And so. It's important to have that, that acceptance, that awareness. That even in the best relationships, they're going to be tough times. And how do we then what do we need to find within ourselves? So we need to draw on. As a partnership. To be able to push through those challenging moments. And come out the other side, even stronger. Even better as individuals and as a unit. Because if we don't have that at the forefront of our mind, if we think we're only looking for perfection or that's the benchmark. That we hold all our relationships and partners to. It's going to be a very frustrating life and we're going to end up pretty lonely. So, so why don't we start with the concept? Of twin flames. Many of you may have come across this concept before. There's lots of books written about it online. There's lots of videos about it. In the previous episode, I talked about some of the unscrupulous. Most practices around working with people's desire to find the twin flames. But for those of you who are listening, who may not have ever come across the terminology. What, um, I just want to give a little brief explanation of what it is. There are. Some schools of thought. In the new age. Spiritual realm. The belief that every single individual on earth. Has what's known as a twin flame. And that twin flame is a half. Of eight. Single soul that was created and then split. Um, and. They've been chasing each other and looking for each other ever since in. Every incarnation that they're in. And some of the philosophies, will talk about the fact that. We're not necessarily meant to find this twin flame in every lifetime. sometimes we have to go through individual growth. before we're ready to, to meet without with that other half. But for the most part, we all have this one half of ourselves that we're looking for craving feeling the absence of. Which accounts for some of the things that we may feel some of the. The emptiness. We may feel in that constant feeling of just searching and angst. That sometimes we can feel. And. They talk a lot about some of the signs that you experience when you're in a twin flame union. The literature that talks about these who often speak to it, being a challenging relationship. There being different levels of Ascension through the twin flame bond. Which account for it being there, being like a push pull, kind of. Period in the process of that, those two souls coming together in, in union and finding peace together. So they described this push pull phase where one is running away and the other one's chasing. And eventually, so goes the lore, that if those two souls can work through their stuff, then they can find union and bliss and peace together. Potentially in this lifetime, but maybe not. And a lot of people are very, very attached to these notion of having a twin flame. And looking for their twin flame and sometimes being in relationships, meeting somebody where there is a really strong, energetic charge. And believing that maybe that other person is their twin flame. They get to a point where they're willing to blow up the relationship that they're in. To pursue this other person. Because in their mind, in their belief, based on all the things that they've read. their one true soulmate is their twin flame. And any other person that they might be in a relationship with is the wrong person for them. And so they will willingly. Look for this person or move towards who they believe that person might be. And so that's the concept of twin flames, right. And there's a lot, there's more to it than that, but I think that gives us a nice overview for the sake of what we're talking about today. And when you listen to some of the key features of twin flame relationships, right? This. This notion. That there is only ever one single person on earth at any given time who is your perfect match? Every other relationship is going to come substandard to that. What's the danger in that notion. Well, the danger is that you start to feel like relationships should be perfect. That the person who's with you. If they're your right partner, if they're your twin flame. Things are going to be blissful, things that are going to be peaceful. Everything will be easy. And if it's not. Then. You're not with the right person, but worse. Right. You start to create the conditions for having a really good relationshipto feel like but maybe it's still not enough. Right. Like maybe the grass could be greener. If I was to find this elusive perfect fit for me. so that's the first danger. That I see with adopting too strongly or holding too tightly to this notion of there, there are twin flames out there. And the second danger that I see. That now starts to bleed into psychology really nicely. Is this concept that it inevitably is a stage of twin flames coming together, that there will be a running and chasing phase. Right. That there will be one person who will be running away from commitment, running away from the bond and the other. Person's going to be chasing this push pull dynamic. And so people have been who, who believe, um, the concept of twin flames. Who are searching avidly for that other person. Already are primed to accept that are then the dynamic that they encounter is going to have this push pull. Period. Right. Now where it veers into psychology. Is for those of you who are familiar with attachment mechanisms, you will recognize this. As the push pull that can often happen. When a avoidantly attached person. Becomes bonded to an anxiously attached person. Right. So there is definitely a push pull dynamic that we see with those two attachment styles coming together. And psychologically speaking. That's actually a dynamic. That is indicative of. Of relationship that comes together because of the mutual wounds that each partner is activating in each other. Right. And you can actually be a very unfulfilling, very hurtful. Dynamic because. One partner, craves independence, craves detachment isn't as emotionally available. And the other. Is almost. Excessively emotionally available in the sense that they're willingly. Diminishing their own boundaries and needs in order to accommodate for the other person. They have a very high level need of closeness. Um, which is diametrically opposite to the more avoidantly attached partner. And so they've got this magnetic charge because. You know, These two. attachment styles are drawn together. Like magnets. They have this massive poor to each other. Because they are mirrors of each other, right? Like they, they activate. their attachment wounds And what that then does, is having these people believe that these. This magnetism, this charge, this spark, as people are often referring to it. Is a sign that they're meant to be together. And I say this a lot for my clients in, in clinical practice. That often what we call spark that charged them, people will describe feeling. Well, what are the time that's actually anxiety? Because unconsciously and intuitively we're sensing. That there is a certain danger in this dynamic with that person. Right. There's a certain uncertainty. We can't quite put our finger on it, but we intuitively are picking up on the fact that that person doesn't necessarily have. The. The thing that we're looking for. Or they're activating. There's a familiarity there. Because they're activating our wounds. right, it can feel like a, like a soulmate. Relationship can feel like, oh my gosh. I've known you my whole life and. There's this knowing that comes with those sorts of dynamics, because in some ways it's true. You have known this. The archetype of this person, your whole life, they represent all the wounds that you've acquired in your attachment wounding, growing up. Right. The, the. The overly controlling parent. The emotionally unavailable parent. Um, and so. You can see then if I have an insecure attachment style, I'm either avoidantly attached or I am anxiously attached. And I also believe that. Twin flames. If I encounter my twin flames there or not, there is always inevitably going to be this period of time where we're going to be. Kind of at odds and pulling away and chasing each other. Then I see these as signs that this relationship that's actually probably more harmful than helpful. Is meant to be. Right. And so. I think there's a real danger in that. Because a lot of us, what we crave most desperately in a partnership is a feeling of safety. A feeling of belonging, a feeling of, I want to be able to be myself exactly as I am. I want to feel ease. I want to feel relaxed. Right. And we very rarely will. We encounter that with people that have an avoidant attachment style. For example, because they're not as emotionally available. They're not as comfortable with closeness. Right. Um, which. Isn't to say that they can't become more comfortable with closeness or more securely attached as we would refer to word. Someone who's comfortable with closeness is reliable, is available emotionally. Um, these like both people who are anxiously attached and people who are avoidantly attached can become more secure in the wind, in their orientation. So they can learn to be. You know, have better boundaries. If they're anxiously attached, prioritize their needs. They can allow the other to have, that separation space without feeling. That the relationship is in jeopardy. And equally someone who's more avoidantly attached can learn to get comfortable with closeness. And accept that. There needs to be vulnerability in a relationship But there needs to be a lot of individual work to be done before that can happen. And often the best way to be able to achieve that is being in partnership with somebody who already is. Securely attached and can model that really, really well. They provide, they naturally provide that environment of safety. And acceptance. And so I believe that the dangers in buying into these concepts of a twin flame, all set you up for really. Challenging relationships and tolerating relationships. That probably shouldn't be tolerated. Right. But if we go even further into the spiritual concept of. Of soulmates and. You know, whether there are twin flames at all. Most of the. Learning's out there. The. The writing's out there. On this spiritual concepts that I have come across. Uh, always very category in the fact that there is no such thing as a twin flame. Because the concept of a twin flame can only exist. If we believe that. A soul that was created whole. So we're spirit that was created whole was then. Fractured into two. two halves And most of the literature. On. spiritual concepts and souls and things like that. don't really subscribe to that notion. They, they will speak to the fact that souls are. Absolutely single entities in their own, right? There is no splitting of souls in that way. Um, and so. The concept of twin flames in and of itself doesn't exist. But also what we often will refer to as a soulmate. Is really what We can come to understand to be a member of our soul family. So once we've had multiple existences with assault, we've learned to love them unconditionally, and we create this permanent bond. With that other person with that other entity. We are then. It's an unbreakable bond. It's an eternal bond. And that. And you become part of each. Like of a soul family where you're all vibrating. In the same. Um, Frequency. And the same dimension you've achieved the same level of evolution. Right. And often our soulmates will come into our lifetime with us. But in different roles, not always as a romantic partner. Right, sometimes our soulmate is our best friend or our sister or. Or brother or one of our parents or an aunt or an uncle or grandparent. Or a complete stranger. That just helps us out. In a really tricky moment in our lives oversight in particular situation. Right. our soul family members or soulmates. You know, they're the true definitions of soulmates. They will come in and help us at different times. And we do the same for them in various ways. Holding lots of different roles for us. Sometimes they're not even on earth at the same time as we are. Right. Sometimes they're actually one of our guides and they're watching over us while we're here. Right. So that's actually the true definition of a soulmate. Um, or what we talk about soul families. And when you think about. Twin flames There's no cohesion with that. Right. Um, because it, again, it pushes this narrative that. We were only whole when we have these one person. Right. And that's not true. Every single one of us. Are on a growth and evolution trajectory that is unique to us. And we're all moving at different times. Right. It's another reason why. Even the most. Loving. Right relationships at times we'll have this rub because our partner. I will not always be moving at the same pace that we are. Right. So sometimes we might be a little bit more advanced in our evolutionary track. And we might be able to, to guide our partner. On some of the lessons that they still need to learn. And other times it will be the other way around our partner is actually moving us and pushing us to grow and to evolve. And in holding this, Invisible mirror up to us to help us understand. Look, you still need to work on this. But it can feel very painful. It can feel really challenging and frustrating at times. Right. Um, but it's coming from a loving place. It's coming from a place of okay. I've signed up to help you with this. Right. Um, So. I reading, find you to look at your partnerships. From that place. Of wonder and see if you can identify different ways in which your partner might be helping you. To learn things about yourself. That needs to be developed that need to be. Growing a little bit more. Right. And vice versa. How are you helping your partner? No, I think it's extremely important that I add this. Disclaimer here. When I am talking about relationships in this way, and I'm talking about the challenges that all relationships will experience at times. I am not speaking about abusive relationships. Okay. That is never part of our trajectory. Right. I am not speaking about situations that are dangerous, where there is physical abuse. There is emotional abuse of psychological abuse or sexual abuse. In any way. Right those relationships are dangerous and, and need to be exited. Safely. And as quickly as possible. And if you're listening to this episode or, you know, somebody who is. I encourage you to, to reach out to services that are out there that are designed to help support you to transition out of those unsafe situations. As safely as possible. Right. There is a real danger in abusive relationships, and that is not what I am speaking about today. I am speaking about. Relatively healthy relationships. Right where there is still an undercurrent of. Acceptance of respect. Of. Partnership. But that sometimes things are hard. Or sometimes we don't step forward in our best possible selves, but we still have the capability of showing growth of showing compassion. Of showing respect to our partners. Right. There is a very big distinction there. There is not a single partnership that lasts. 50 60 years, 70 years, even where there haven't been moments along the way. Where those relationships could have very easily ended. Right. I think every partnership that lasts a lifetime. He has multiple moments of time. Where they're asking each other. Do I still want to choose this person to spend the rest of my life with. And at every single moment. They have chosen. Yes. Yes, as hard as it is, as frustrating as it is, there are still things here for me. That make the whole relationship worthwhile. Right. Yes, it's challenging, but it's challenging in the right way, in a way that encourages us. To grow. To become the best version of ourselves. Right. That helps us confront parts of ourselves. Like. Sometimes we will come into a dynamics where. Our partner. We'll push us to. to recognize that we're too willing to give up our needs. We're too willing to, to accommodate them, them or other people. And sacrifice ourselves and how toxic that can be for us. Those relationship dynamics will feel very frustrating at times. But that partner is holding a mirror up to us. Right. They're pushing us to see if I keep sacrificing myself in this way. If I keep like, Nullifying my needs in this way. I'm not doing myself a service at all, and I'm not doing this partnership or service at all because I'm not showing up fully. And if I'm not showing up fully and authentically, Then my partner doesn't get all of me. Right. Well, the other, or the partner that points out. To their spouse. You know, when you're doing these sorts of things, it's really harmful to you. You need, you really need to think about how you navigate your relationships. You need to think about being more gentle and soft when you speak. Right. Like we are we're mirrors to each other in, in healthy relationships. And those mirrors sometimes are very confronting. They're very uncomfortable. They can be sometimes even painful, but they're never harmful. Right. And that's why I have a particular gripe with this notion of twin flames. Because I. I believe that sometimes they will encourage people. To just stay in very harmful dynamics. Because of this underlying belief. That if I find my true soulmate, there are going to be periods of intense. Pain and challenge. So, as I say, all of these to you, and as you've been listening to, to this today, I encourage you to have a think about and reflect on. What are some of the notions that you had coming into your relationship, or if you're not in a relationship right now that you bring to you to dating, or when you're looking for a partner. What are some of the underlying assumptions that you're holding? About what partnerships should look like or what your ideal partner should be like. That maybe are actually harmful. Right. That maybe are actually limiting you. From finding the depth of connection and love that you're really craving. And that you deserve. And similarly, I invite you to have a think about. Those relationships that we know those moments of challenge. If you're, if you're going through some of those right now, Or if you can look back in the periods of challenging the past. And again, I'm going to preface this with, I am not talking about abusive dynamics. Okay. And I'm talking about. Healthy relationships that sometimes hard. But looking back on those moments of challenge and seeing if you can identify, what was that situation trying to show me. What was there for me to learn in that moment? That was really, really helpful for me. To, to kind of appreciate. Like, I'll give you a personal example to give a context, to help you in your own reflection. Um, my husband and I have been together now. For it will be. 10 years that we've met at the end of this year. So. I've been married for seven years and together for nine years, Time flies. Um, and we're very different people. And lots of different ways. Like you obviously y'all know how spiritually minded I am. He's not that way inclined at all. Um, so that makes for very interesting conversations sometimes. But one thing that he was always quick to point out to me. The mirror, one of the mural mirror moments that he was for me. In our relationship is that he started pointing out to me at different times. How scared off loss, financial loss. I am. How I had these unconscious scarcity mindset. Where I was always kind of playing to. Secure myself financially. And I was always afraid. Of not having enough. And he would point this out to me and point out how limiting that was and how it was holding me back from achieving true prosperity. And. But like, Very rarely as these things tend to happen very rarely in a really gentle, loving, You know, like you would always point it out in the most blunt way possible. And, and at first I couldn't see it. I was just like, whatever, what are you talking about? You're just too cavalier with money. You think somebody just manifests out of thin air? Um, But over time, I started to really understand and doing some, you know, some of my own work. I've started to understand that he was right. I had this limiting beliefs about money. And a fear of not having enough. All losing money. And here he was mirroring this to me and I wasn't able to see it at first. Right. And in combination with the work that I've done, having him model for me, what it's like to come from this complete abundance mindset. Right. unshaking belief that he has, that there will always be enough. That he'll always be able to make more. Um, I like, I still feel. Sometimes with how much trust he has. But for the most part his way of living his life. A lot of the time actually serves him and he does seem to land on both feet. Um, And so there's so much for me to learn with that, right, in terms of clearing my own money blocks. But that's a really good example of how somebody can hold up a mirror to us. And help us see parts of ourselves that we're not really. Conscious of, but that are actually limiting us. In very real ways and that we need to address that in order for us to move on to the next level. Of our growth and evolution. Okay. So we encourage you to think about that. What are some of the rubs in my relationship? Or if you don't know relationship right now in previous relationships that I have been where now in hindsight, looking back, I can see. There was a lesson there for me. See if you can identify that lesson. Right. And see if you can put some things in place to help you start to address that maybe you have already, because time has passed. Um, but there might be some more work to be done there. You know, I think for me, it's something that I'm going to continue to be working on. but he's great like that he will hold up these mirrors to me at times, and I'm very grateful. To have him be there for me, even though sometimes it's, you know, it's not always fun. But that's the part that he plays. Um, and that's the part that your partners will play for you and that you'll be playing for them. So. I encourage you to, you know, let go of this notion of perfection, let go of fairytales and. Lists of criteria hold like really look to values. They're the true compass of how we determine whether our relationships are healthy for us. Right. And remember healthy. Isn't always going to be easy. Cool. What's good. And loving. Isn't always going to be easy. Sometimes it's going to be the medicine. We don't want the swallow. Right. It's going to be the thing that's going to force us to grow. But always coming from a loving place, never from a harmful place. So I will leave you there with that reflection. I would love to hear what you thought about these. If you have any examples of your own. Of where you can now in hindsight, see some of the contributions that your partnerships were making for you. To become. You know, a better version of yourselves. Um, or if there's anything that you'd like me to clarify that wasn't clear or that you disagree with. You know, you're always welcome to reach out to me. I welcomed the interaction. You can find me on Instagram at integrated underscore wisdom. And. That's it for today. I hope you all have a lovely week. with lots of love. but first and foremost, with lots of self-love and self-compassion because it does start with us. and we, you know, And only from there, can we pour into and receive from others. So I wish you lots of love and light and I'll speak to you all soon. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of integrated wisdom. It is my sincere wish that today's ends. New episodes are published every Wednesday, and I hope you'll continue to join us as we dive deeper into what it means to live an integrated life. So if it feels aligned to you, I invite you to hit subscribe and share it with others who you feel may benefit too. You may also find me on Instagram at integrated underscore wisdom. Remember, each moment is an opportunity to embrace your divine potential and create a world that is more frequently inspired. So for now, stay connected, stay inspired, and keep shining your light into the world.