The Hidden Opportunities in REJECTION

Ever been turned down for a job you were excited about? I, Tony Tran, can relate. I've felt the sting of rejection too, from that time I was denied a barista job. It felt like a gut punch. But guess what? Rejection is universal, and it's not all bad. Join me as we explore this shared experience, how it impacts us emotionally and physically, and how our innate need for acceptance drives our reactions. We'll delve into the deep-rooted social aspects of rejection and its role in our lives.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Mindset Focus podcast. I am your host, Tony Tran, and if you are new to the podcast, I want to extend my warm welcome to you. I hope today's episode will be informative, fun and helpful for you. So what I have on the agenda for today's episode affects every single one of us. That's all right, guys. Absolutely each and every one of us, each and every one of you listening today, is affected by this, even if you think, nah, tony, I'm not affected by rejection at all, like ever. Well, message me as soon as you can so that I can learn from your secret, which I don't think really exists. But hey, you can prove me wrong, right? No one is immune to the absolute fear of rejection. I am telling you, absolutely nobody goes through life without the fear of being rejected at some stage in their life. It is something that is experienced by everybody, at all ages and backgrounds, and it can affect you when you are either 10 years old, fearing the rejection of your friends at school If they don't play with you at lunchtime, or when you are what? 30 years old, fearing speaking up to your partner about your wants and needs due to the fear of being abandoned and being alone. Now, even the most confident of people have fears and rejections at some point, and the most confident person that I know of in my life has faced countless of rejections in his life. His ability to brush it off as if it's nothing to move on with his life is astounding. Honestly, you have to see it to believe it. It's something to see in real life and, mind you, this person has a very strong personality, which I believe is why he is so good at facing all of these rejections. But you don't need to have a strong personality to have the resilience as this person. I'm going to go into more depth on how you can bounce back from rejections later in the episode. Now, it is a natural part of being a human being to face rejections, as everybody faces setbacks and disappointments at some point in their life. Okay, so, whether it's going through five job interviews only to find out that you didn't get any offer, or asking someone out on a date only to be told that they only saw you as a friend, rejections happens all the time around us and, truth be told, it freaking sucks, man.

Speaker 1: 2:34

I remembered one time when I really wanted to get a job as a barista. I have never had a job before this, so this was my first time trying to put myself into the workforce. Okay, so I had no experience whatsoever, but I really wanted a job because I wanted some money on the side as well as studying to get everything going. So I did whatever it took, even if it meant I had to fake it till I made it. Anyways, I went in and had an interview and a trial at one of the cafe. Everything went well, in my opinion anyways, it was 100% perfect. But I thought my work hard attitude would prevail, my lack of barista skill, which could be learnt through the job, because you can't really change your attitude that quick, right? So then, 30 minutes later, I received a phone call from the manager. You know I was super excited, hoping that they would offer me the job. You know I'm ready to take on the world one cup of coffee at a time Only to be told that I wasn't what they were looking for at that time.

Speaker 1: 3:38

They said that I didn't have the experience that they wanted, and I still could picture my you know, very, very disappointed and pale face until now. And you know how am I supposed to have all of that experience that they needed when I'm not given the chance to experience it at all. It was like seriously getting a punch in the gut and then like kick down continuously while I was on the floor. You know, for those who haven't been punching the gut before, it freaking hurts man. It feels like you just can't breathe and you can't. You're just nursing your stomach like a little baby on the floor.

Speaker 1: 4:14

In fact, see, with the trauma of rejections, researchers did a brain MRI scan. So when a part of the brain is activated, for whatever reason, it will light up on the MRI scan so researchers could see where it activates. So they were starting to see which parts of the brain activates during rejections compared to which part of the brain activates when they got a cut on their finger, and the result was that these two stimulus acted in very similar way. So similar regions of the brain were activated when they were rejected as well as when they got a cut in their finger. Isn't that just kind of crazy and amazing at the same time? Like you obviously want to avoid cutting your finger right.

Speaker 1: 4:59

So if you think about it, as humans we are built to actually avoid pain, whether that is actually physical pain like touching a hot kettle or emotional pain like being rejected by other people. Okay, anyway, looking back at my cafe job rejection, I was actually very thankful for that rejection because a few days later I was actually offered a better cafe job to work with one of my friend. So maybe everything happens for a reason. Right, I'm one of those person who do believe that everything happens for a reason, whether it is to take me closer to my goals and dreams or simply let it be a learning lesson in life. I take it as a sign of life, trying to guide me to where I am supposed to be or where am I supposed to go. Are you the same as me, where you believe everything happens for a reason, or do you think that maybe things just happen in life and you take it as it comes? I'm really interested to know your thoughts, so definitely shoot me a message through Instagram and let me know of which side you are on.

Speaker 1: 6:06

Now, guys, beyond the emotional pain, rejection also strikes at our need for acceptance and belonging. So most of it isn't really even your fault. Humans are social creatures and our desire to connect has developed through evolution. Okay, so, beginning when humans live together during our caveman days, people who you know were accepted into tribe had a greater chance of survival, and those who couldn't were left out in the wild and their chances of survival was lessened. So the need to, you know, be wanting to belong somewhere is actually hardwired into your brain and now it has come across to us into our days. Now, okay, but if you allow rejection to eat at you and let the self doubt and negative thinking creep into your mind, it will slowly drag you down and it won't allow you to push to your potential, take on challenges and step outside of comfort, because you are always looking to play it safe Right. So the fear of failure and rejection can also lead to avoidance behavior, where you are going to withdraw from situation or challenges to prevent a potential negative outcome.

Speaker 1: 7:26

Now, while the fear of rejection is natural for a lot of us, like what I said about it, learning to deal with it can lead to resilience and personal growth. Okay, so when you fail your exam, you don't solve around for hours feeling sorry for yourself. You should take it as a motivation to study even harder and do better in your next exam or being rejected by your love interest, so that you can go and actually find someone who likes you for who you are. I know so many couples and marriages where they did not actually get together with the first person that they have dated and said it's usually, you know, they have been in a few relationships before they actually have found the right person. Okay, so I have a few quick tips for you guys. Just ease that burden of rejection and make it seem more likeable for you so that you can look at rejection in a more productive and positive light.

Speaker 1: 8:23

So most of the time, rejections are not even personal. A lot of the times when we are rejected, we feel attacked, you know, our ego takes a hit and we start being defensive about it. That's why rejection freaking hurts, because when our ego is threatened, we feel inferior and stupid. Right, and no one wants to feel inferior and stupid. However, most of the time, the rejections aren't personal attacks on you. There are so many and many more reasons as to why you got rejected and most of the time it's not even your fault. It's not about what you did, how you looked, what you said okay. It's not about how you performed. It could be due to that. The other person is how they are feeling at that time or what they have gone through in their life at that time. Who knows?

Speaker 1: 9:11

Right, we are not mind readers, but just know that everyone is struggling with something in their life and you know when they reject you let's say you try to ask a person you fancy out on a date through text but you got rejected the other person may, you know, have just gotten fired from the job or they could be really sick, or you know they could be having family issues at that time. All of those, any of which will put them in a bad mood. And you know, kind of don't want to make them want to go out on a date because it's not your fault, it's just their situation, all right. So, yeah, just don't take it too hard on yourself. It's not a personal thing most of the time.

Speaker 1: 9:55

Right, and look, even with that cafe job, when they didn't hire me, maybe it was because they are losing business and they needed a very experienced barista at that time. So you know they don't want to lose any more business that they didn't want to take me on. You know, have that all that time to teach me and train me in the beginning. You know that could potentially make them lose more business in the beginning. So, looking back, you know, I didn't really think about this at all because my ego kind of got the better of me. I was angry at myself and I was angry at the manager for not giving me that opportunity. But as time went on and on and I matured, I thought about it and I thought you know, perhaps it wasn't even my wrong doing that got me rejected. Maybe it was the situation that they were in and they had to do what was best for the business. So I totally understood that.

Speaker 1: 10:51

So yeah, the next time you get rejected whether it's from someone you like or from a job offer, think from their perspective, because most likely it's not really your fault or doesn't really have anything to do with you. I always say to myself if I don't go for that opportunity or take that chance, even though I am avoiding the possibility of being rejected, what's actually happening is that I am rejecting myself. Okay, I am rejecting myself of my potential, I'm rejecting myself of my growth and learning, and I'm rejecting myself of who I could be and what I could have, and to me, there is nothing worse Than not trying to see what I can go in life. So next time, guys, if you are scared of being rejected, just think about whether that rejection is worse than that of you rejecting yourself. I Believe that rejecting myself is a lot worse than speaking up for what I actually truly believe in. What you think about yourself is so so much more important than what other people think of you.

Speaker 1: 12:01

Now try to reframe every rejection that you experience as a redirection to an opportunity in your life when you should think oh man, I just got denied offered to the job that I wanted. How am I going to make my money? My career is doomed, my life is over. This is the, you know, the start of the downward spiral. My life, blah, blah, blah, or the negative thinking, keeps going right. That's why it may feel like at the time, but as time passes by, in your perspective changes. You will look at this rejection and you look back at it and smile, because it is simply Steering you in the right direction.

Speaker 1: 12:36

So take, for example, j K Rowling, the author of the famous Harry Potter. Right, she was actually rejected 12 times before she landed a deal with her current publisher. And you know, for most of us we would have given up after two or three rejections, right, but no, j K Rowling kept going because she believed in herself, she knew what she had done Was good enough for someone somewhere, and she kept going until she found the right person, right. And now she's worth or her net worth is worth over one billion dollars, right? So, yeah, just refrain your rejection in a positive light, guys, and just keep it going Right.

Speaker 1: 13:18

So the next one is to know that the discomfort feeling associated with rejections Only last temporarily. This is really comforting to know that the pain with rejection doesn't last forever, and it only does if you allow it to take over your life right. And even better, the more and more rejection that you face, the less and less pain you will feel, because you will become so used to rejections that you will become more resilient to the emotional pain that it creates. And lastly, just to repeat what I've said earlier in the episode, guys, but it is very comforting to know that nobody lives a rejection free life Absolutely nobody. The most successful info man, the most successful, influential, well-rounded person that you know of, have gone through countless of rejections to get to where they are, and they will perhaps go through more and more rejections and rejections in the future as well. Okay, but you need to put yourself out there a little bit more each time if you want to get ahead of the 90% 95% of the people around you. Okay, they.

Speaker 1: 14:28

So we're gonna go ahead to what you should do if you do face your rejections, because doing the same thing over and over again is my Put you at risk of creating the same results. They say insanity is Repeating something over and over again and expecting the same result. So let's go Firstly take a step back and analyze your performance, guys, and start off with the positives. So what went well and what went right. I know one thing that did go well, and that is you having the courage to step outside of your comfort zone to do whatever that was you did, whether it was doing stand-up comedy for the very first time, or cold approaching a girl and asking for her number at a bar. You know what. Good on you guys for taking actions, because actions create results I've talked about this many times in my previous episodes and results is going to allow you to make changes in your life. Okay, it's these changes that will be the difference to whether you are having a better life or not having a better life.

Speaker 1: 15:30

Alright, so did you learn anything during the process? Perhaps you learned that you should have prepared a couple of days before the job interview instead of cramming in everything the night before. Then I want you guys to move on to what didn't go well. So maybe your performance during the job interview wasn't as good as it could be, maybe because you were unprepared for the interview questions and some of them caught you by surprise. List down the positives and the negatives onto a piece of paper or on Microsoft Word on the computer. Okay, that way you have a side-to-side comparison. Then work your way through each negative and come up with a strategy on how you could improve the next time. So maybe you could prepare possible interview questions and have pre-planned answers so that you don't stumble and stutter your way through the questions right, and take the positives with you onto the next attempt, whether that was your enthusiastic attitude or your willingness to answer every question with honesty.

Speaker 1: 16:32

This is great because it's right in front of you. You can visually see it rather than trying to work it out in your brain and forgetting about it later. If you write it down, then you won't forget it because it's already there. It's visually there that you can see it Okay. So every rejection you face is a learning opportunity rather than an obstacle blocking your growth. Take your time, you know, in this process you work it out to work out the good and the bad, because these will lay out to be the foundation for you to come up with strategies so that you can adapt and evolve.

Speaker 1: 17:05

So the next step is called adapting and evolving. Hence what I said previously Now that you have analyzed what went well and wrong, as well as having some possible strategies to improve on your next attempt, you need to go out there and take that chance again, but this time you are going to implement your new strategies. Hence you're going to adapt to the situation and evolve as a person. So if those new strategies work, then great, keep it up, continue them. And if they don't, then go back to the previous step and list down your positives and negatives. Then come up with strategies to combat the things that you didn't do so well. Like I have said before, if you keep doing the same thing over and over again, you're probably not going to get a different outcome, an outcome that will benefit you. So you need to adapt and evolve, to improve and move forward, just like us humans over time, From our caveman days till today, wednesday 23rd of August 2023, we have adapted and evolved through our food and technology in order to live as we are now. Otherwise, if you don't evolve and adapt, you'll be coming at risk of becoming extinct like the dinosaurs. They didn't evolve. All those talks about meteor strikes and stuff like that I won't go through that with you in this episode.

Speaker 1: 18:33

Lastly, but very importantly, guys, this is what the whole podcast is all about, but you need to shift your mindset from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. Remember that rejections are not, you know, in reflection of your worth, but they are stepping stones towards success. If you get rejected, that doesn't mean you're a failure. It doesn't mean you're not good enough or pretty enough or smart enough. Don't let rejections define you as a person. Don't let it define what you can do in your life. Okay, this is your life and you only have one life, so don't let one moment in your life has such a large impact on how you live. So adopt a growth mindset and Seek these rejections as learning lessons in your life. Let it motivate you to be better next time that you try. Let these rejections be the badges that you wear on your shoulder to your path to becoming a better person. Just know that you are ahead of 95% of other people by being courageous, by taking on that chance, by becoming a better.

Speaker 1: 19:41

You Know that what you are doing is Something that a lot of other people are consciously Deciding not to do because they are too afraid. Okay, there, you are willing to do the things that people aren't willing to do because they fear of being rejected. You will get the result that they will never get because you are simply giving yourself the chance to do so. Guys, you got to be in it if you want to win it. All right, guys.

Speaker 1: 20:10

So that comes to the end of this episode. Thank you so much, everyone for tuning in today and I hope now that you understand that you are not alone. You're facing rejections. Okay, everybody gets rejected at some point in life. It is a normal part of life and the pain it's only gonna last temporarily. You are not emotional or weak. If you experience Disappointments or self-doubt when you face rejections, you know You're emotional reaction on. Okay, it might be difficult to control, but you can control how you respond to these situations. Now remember, it's not about how many times you fall, but how many times you rise back up. That truly defines you.

Speaker 1: 20:54

Even though I didn't get my first dream cafe job, you know, I kept applying for other jobs and eventually I landed one, with the bonus of working with my friend. So if you were rejected by your date, that's okay. I know it freaking hurts, you know. But soak it up. Soak up the emotions, but don't wallow in your shame or embarrass for too long. Keep going on dates and hopefully you'll find someone who matches your energy and vibe.

Speaker 1: 21:18

So go out there, step outside of your comfort zone, guys. Take on those challenges, whether it is joining a social soccer club or Volunteering to do a work presentation, it will. If you do it often enough, it's going to be your comfort zone. And finally, let me ask you this Are you going to go and take on that challenge, or are you comfortable enough with the idea of rejecting yourself from your potential by not taking on that chance? I promise you there is only one answer that will make you a better person and it will make you happier in your life. So I want you to ask yourself that every time when something scary comes up. So until next time, guys, take care of yourselves and be kind to other people, because what goes around comes around.