Episode 76 Learning From Common Parenting Fails

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On to today's episode:

We've all heard them. We've all done some or all of them.Over indulgence, inconsistent discipline, helicopter parenting..and the list goes on and on. It is easy to fall into the trap of some these common parenting fails. Our kids are so cute. Maybe just one more toy will be fine. And one more, and one more. Before you know it you have a house full of toys and a spoiled child. Recognizing these common parenting fails early can save a lot of problems down the road. Our kids will be better for our restraint.

Today we discussed a few of our own failings in these areas and what we did about it to get back on track. Too often you don't see it until we are in the thick of it and see our kids demanding more and more. Oops. Parenting fail. I know I've been there quite a number of times as my big kids have grown up. It is hard to see until you're there.

Have you heard our episode about fostering independence in your kids? Check that out HERE

Transcript

Recap

Overindulging children can create unrealistic expectations and entitlement.

Comparing your child to others can lead to unnecessary pressure and dissatisfaction.

Helicopter parenting can hinder a child's independence and problem-solving skills.

Inconsistent discipline can confuse children and undermine authority.

Avoid judging other parents and focus on your own parenting journey.

Overscheduling can lead to stress and limited quality time with children.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction

00:21 Overindulgence

01:20 Comparisons

03:07 Inconsistent Discipline

04:06 Judgment

04:16 Inconsistent Discipline (continued)

08:12 Helicopter Parenting (continued)

09:38 Inconsistent Discipline (continued)

13:55 Inconsistent Discipline (continued)

21:08 Conclusion

Transcript

Ellyn (00:06.415)

Walking through parenting is like walking a tightrope. Today, we're going to talk a little bit about some of the mistakes that we have made and that we've heard about and what we've learned from them. Let's get started.

Lauren (00:21.424)

Over indulgence, this is one that killed me when I had my first child. I got over it by the time I had the second and third one. But with the first, I felt like I needed to get her something every time that we went somewhere, I just liked giving her stuff. It made her happy and it made me incredibly happy. And it was so hard to say no. Like I said, I've gotten over it now. I'm really good. I've been practicing in the mirror and yeah, I say no kind of every five, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, something like that all day long. No, but okay.  But when she was first, like she was a one.

Ellyn (01:08.013)

As a default, the answer is no.

Lauren (01:20.688)

probably by the time I realized I needed to not do that. Like she was going to start expecting to get something every time we went into a store and it wasn't healthy for either of us for me to always get her something. And that probably stemmed from not getting... okay I can't say this... from not getting as much stuff when I was a kid.

I just, I wanted to give her stuff. I wanted her to be happy.

Ellyn (01:53.484)

And you guys waited so long to have your kids too that well now that she's here you want to give her stuff.

Lauren (01:59.672)

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, that was yeah, that was probably part of it too. And yeah, so that's my overindulgence. And I definitely, I think my kids are a little bit spoiled too with what they eat. I tend to at least try and make stuff that they like because they like a lot. They like a lot of stuff. We - cook okay and I -

I make stuff the way that I know that they're going to like it, if that makes any sense, as often as I can. Now there's times when I'm like, I just want what I want and I will make something that I know none of them are going to like. And that's just tough. But yeah, they've been a little overindulged in the food department too, because the food around here is pretty good.

Ellyn (02:57.932)

Good.

Ellyn (03:07.403)

And I would have to agree pretty much with everything you said. My oldest definitely got more spoiling really early on than either of my younger kids. But if there is a benefit to that, he doesn't remember. He has no idea. So if you're going to indulge your kids, do it before they have any memories of such things so that they don't ever expect that indulgence. And it's possible that I do overindulge my youngest a little bit because I know she's my last one and I'm but I just I want to and so I can't help myself.

Lauren (03:55.152)

But that kind of overindulgence is do you want to sit and snuggle? Do you want to read another book? Like I am okay with that kind of overindulgence, mostly because I definitely do it all the time.

Ellyn (04:06.537)

It's true. Yeah, this is the last one of these and I just have to soak it up.

Lauren (04:16.976)

Yep. And that has come around to bite me when I've not with my oldest funnily enough, but when I have gone into a store, like a bakery, I went into a bakery one time and I bought them a cookie. And for the longest time after that, whenever we went to the store, they wanted one. They're like, oh mom, can't we have a special cookie? It's like, no. You can't. And it was just the one time that I got him a cookie. They never forgot. I still have dreams about that cookie.

Ellyn (04:50.823)

Yep. It was the best cookie ever. This next one is something that I honestly to this day have I have struggles with. I compare myself and my kids to other people and I try to keep it an internal struggle. I don't think my kids feel it, but

Lauren (04:56.878)

Brutal.

Ellyn (05:19.813)

I do like, oh, why can't my kid be really, really good at math? You know, it'd be so nice if my kid were really, really good at math. I do have one that's really good at math. And now, oh, their kids, they're so well behaved. And it's not that my kids aren't well behaved. They are. But it's...

It's a comparison of in the moment things where I know that other parents' child is not always perfect. It's just in this moment, right this second, they're perfect. And all I can do is compare to how my kid is throwing his hands from on the floor. Again, for telling me that things aren't right in her world or talking about my youngest, we're going through some stuff.

Lauren (06:15.394)

Oh no.

Ellyn (06:16.708)

Um, but I mean, but then she's perfectly, she was so snugly today when we were at our homeschool co -op, she nestled right into me and told me she loved me. So, I mean, it's not every moment of her day, but it's, you look at other parents and their relationship with their kids, but you don't see the things that are happening behind the scenes in every relationship.

You can only see the things that are happening behind the scenes in your own relationships. And you can't, it's really hard not to compare other people's perceived perfections to your perceived imperfections. I can't seem to say that.

Lauren (07:04.592)

And that goes the other way too, when you start to look at other people's kids and think, oh my, I can't believe that they let their kid blah, blah, blah. It's like, no, no, no, no, don't ever think that. Don't ever think that. It's, but seriously though, it's, I don't think it's healthy to make those kinds of comparisons and to...

Ellyn (07:20.801)

Right.

Lauren (07:34.032)

And this is something I struggle with in my mind is judging people. I can't really say I've ever judged other parents because I knew that that was just never going to work out well for me. But I have thought judgmental things about people and it just, it doesn't put you in a good place in your mind. So I try to avoid doing that whenever I can. which is, you know, most of the time.

Lauren (08:12.152)

All right, right on to helicopter parenting. I think we all know what this is, but it's basically when you are with your kid all the time and kind of, oh, okay, you need help with that? Can I do that? What do you need? What can I get you? You need help climbing the ladder? You need help getting on the swing? That's helicopter parenting. And it's... it… To me, it takes an opportunity for your kid to learn how to climb into the swing by themselves. And it's certainly something that I've done. When I realized that, and for me, it's most often when I see other kids my kids age doing the thing. Oh, okay. That other kid can zip up their coat and tie their shoes.

That means that I probably should stop doing that stuff for my kid.

Ellyn (09:12.768)

That just happened the other day. it was your youngest in the zipping of the coat and I'm like, oh she zips her own coat? Really? Oh, oh my, my kid doesn't say that. I just zip her coat for her. Yeah, that's helicopter parenting and I should probably stop zipping my youngest coat.

Lauren (09:18.704)

It was talking to me.

Lauren (09:27.406)

Okay.

Yeah.

Lauren (09:38.608)

She'll figure it out when she's ready.

Ellyn (09:41.216)

It's going to be a struggle. But she's kind of set in her ways. These are the things I do and these are the things mommy does and mommy doesn't get to not do the things that mommy does.

Lauren (09:56.656)

That's what bribery is for.

Lauren (10:12.336)

Oh, okay. Look, your brother can zip up his coat. You can too. And I also frame it in like, look how fast you're growing up. Oh, you're getting older soon. Soon you'll do all your own zippering all by yourself. Yeah.

Because she wants to be as big as the other kids.

Ellyn (10:40.127)

Yep. Yep.

Ellyn (10:44.927)

And I think that helicopter parenting is bad for our kids because it does make them stay little longer and it keeps them from being able to see grown up or how big they are getting if like for instance with my youngest I am still zipping her coat and not allowing her it I mean it'll be a little bit of a struggle for her not allowing her the struggle of being able to figure it out by herself it it does keep her a little longer and it it isn't healthy for her she should be able to do bigger things and

Ellyn (11:30.655)

I think that that's more beyond the co -zipping. Letting them see they can do things for themselves, like Lauren's example of climbing on the swing. If they just go and stand in front of the swing and wait for you, they never realize that they can handle these things by themselves. And so...

Lauren (11:35.568)

It's just an example.

Lauren (11:51.632)

Right. And, and I feel like that's something that, I mean, my kids aren't all that old yet, but there's things that every single stage, all the way up to 40, that's how old I am. That just you realize I can do that. I can do it by myself. And when they're really little, you're teaching them. You're not just teaching them that they can zip up their coat, you're teaching them that they can do stuff on their own. So, you know, the helicopter parenting does take away a little bit, from that kind of thing. Now, I'm not saying you should run out and give your kids some shoe tying lessons like right now, get them out of bed or anything like that. But when, or even tomorrow morning, when you're rushing off to wherever it is that you need to go. Yeah, no, you go ahead and tie them. But when you've got a minute, give it a try. Just a little lesson on how to do it.

Ellyn (12:57.983)

We had a little DIY project. I took a piece of cardboard and put an old shoelace through it like it was a shoe, crisscrossed all the way up it with little holes that I had made. And that's what we use when we have a few minutes to learn it, as opposed to when we're walking out the door learning to tie shoes. And it's really worked well for her.

Lauren (13:19.024)

Right.

Ellyn (13:22.651)

And I don't think I did it with my big kids. And I am now kicking myself because I did do it as we were walking out the door as if that that was a good learning environment. So with her, I am I'm growing, I'm learning. And so I made this little shoelace board for her to learn to tie her shoes. And it's working. She's getting there.

Lauren (13:32.728)

Yep.

Lauren (13:43.61)

Yep, they're learning to learn at this age and it's fun to see, very fun.

Ellyn (13:52.759)

sure sure is.

Lauren (13:55.464)

Inconsistent discipline is the next thing on our list and I'm guilty. I don't know what goes on in my mind. Like the people are slacking half the time and the rest of the time they're asleep. But I have yelled at the people. Yeah, the people in my mind. The kids never go to sleep. Anyway.

Ellyn (14:16.763)

the people in your mind, right? That's what you're... Okay.

You

Lauren (14:25.424)

Um, I, I yell at them and sometimes I accidentally let stuff go that I shouldn't or I'm distracted and I don't intervene with things before it's too late. And then sometimes I'm like, okay. Yeah, no.

Ellyn (14:47.035)

Uh huh.

Lauren (14:52.24)

We're not going to do that anymore. And I jump right on it and in comes the discipline. And yeah, it's totally inconsistent and something I definitely need to work on.

Ellyn (15:05.338)

And I have some of the same stuff with discipline because you in some places you hope that they'll work it out themselves and realize that they shouldn't be jumping off the top stairs say you know just as an example. Like oh that hurt I shouldn't do it again but rarely do they learn the first

Lauren (15:31.098)

Problem is, it didn't hurt enough.

Ellyn (15:34.138)

52 times that they try something they shouldn't. And so I should have stepped in on time too, but you just, you want them to learn sometimes these lessons for themselves and they won't. Or when my big kids were little and they would fight, I would want them to work it out for themselves. So I didn't want to step into it and get in the middle of it. And there are times I look back on it and go, I should have stepped into that sooner and helped them troubleshoot ways that they could have either prevented the fight or worked through the fight a little bit better without screaming, scratching and whatever.

Lauren (16:18.968)

You're right. outside where the neighbors can all hear. Yeah. I always thought of like in the spring and fall we open our windows and I what the neighbors conception or perception of me must be changes definitely from when I have my windows open to when I don't.

Ellyn (16:25.657)

Right, right.

Lauren (16:51.888)

Like, oh, they're always so tranquil over there. No, no, we're not. There's lots of yelling. There's balls bouncing. There's people pretending to be livestock. Like there's, there's a lot of stuff going on and none of it's really all that quiet. I'm sure they can hear it through the windows, but it's muffled when the windows are closed. So.

Ellyn (17:19.031)

They look forward to winter and summer with the heater or air conditioner on.

Lauren (17:23.456)

Totally.

Ellyn (17:31.446)

Our next one is over scheduling and I am guilty as charged. I have done this a few different times in my kids' lives. My youngest is still too young to be scheduled very much yet, but my older two definitely were over scheduled for a while because there's so much good stuff out there. And you want, I wanted them to be in as much stuff as they could because, oh, this program is going to end before too long. So I want to get them in it and oh, well, there's this one over here.  And I think especially as homeschoolers, you feel like you have to provide more and different stuff since they aren't getting anything from the district. And so I know that at times I over scheduled my big kids and that season would end.

Lauren (18:21.582)

Mm -hmm.

Ellyn (18:30.358)

And I'd be like, oh, this is glorious. We're just to stay home a few nights a week. It'll be great. And then I would vow never to do it again, but it's just, it's an easy thing to do. And you don't realize you've done it until you're doing it. Usually.

Lauren (18:33.84)

I know.

Lauren (18:43.054)

Mm -hmm.

Lauren (18:46.736)

Yeah. I haven't done it with actual activities. I mean, I definitely scheduled them. They've got several things, you know, on every week, but I don't feel like we're running all the time. We have plenty of downtime here at home for the moment. But what I have done is, for example, scheduled a playdate with a mom that I really wanted to get together with.

in between.

um, the end of preschool and the beginning of ballet after lunch, for example, a really specific one now from, from my life, from my real life. This is real people. And it, it just makes me feel crazy to do that kind of thing. Like, okay, I've got a free hour and a half and that's really all it was. And that was drive time included. And I still had to get the little ballerina back home to change into her ballet costume. Like this was not practical. And I've done that. I've done that several times when I just had a couple of hours and with the drive time and the. So we're driving to the park and back from the park and then to ballet. And we have to go home and change. So it takes two hours down to one really at the playground once you add in all the drive time. And that's just, it's hectic. No one likes that. No one wants to spend an hour at the park.

Ellyn (20:28.306)

Mm -hmm. Right. And it's not relaxing for you to get to hang out with your friend, and it's not relaxing or as much fun for the kids because they're just getting into playing, and it's time to go.

Lauren (20:34.384)

Oh, certainly not.

Lauren (20:41.07)

Mm -hmm. Yep. I like to leave a little bit more time than that, but sometimes it's all you can do. Everyone has busy lives, and if you really want to get together with someone, sometimes that's what you have to do. But it makes me feel hectic.

Lauren (21:48.494)

Well guys, these have been some of the more popular parenting fails, or I guess more common. And, you know, as you can see, we are guilty of, at least in part, of all of them, so you don't have to feel bad. It's just stuff to keep an eye on. We hope that you got something out of this episode. Parenting isn't always a walk in the park.

We aren't experts by any means, we're just muddling through just like you guys. Just remember not to stress too much about every decision you make. This isn't easy. Until next time.