Siiickbrain: How To Transform Adversity Into Art, Authenticity, Modeling, and Skrillex

This week on Grounds For Success I have the most vulnerable and open talk I've had on this podcast with my guest, Siiickbrain. From a conservative upbringing to battling agoraphobia and an eating disorder to going on tour with Bring Me The Horizon, she has overcome difficult obstacles in a spectacular fashion which became the rocket fuel for her art. This podcast is very, very deep and is sometimes difficult to listen to because it is so open and vulnerable, but I implore you to continue to listen because, at the end of the day, her story can help everyone to become more empathetic towards others who deal with or have dealt with mental health struggles.

Siiickbrain's unique journey takes an exciting turn as we explore her makeup career, modeling career, and nightlife fun. We learn some about the people she called family when she first moved to LA and we also learn about her best friend, Tristan, and how dealing with his tragic loss shaped her journey. From this loss, Siiickbrain channels the pain and sadness into writing and screaming, and creates a unique sonic identity that catches the attention of Skrillex.

By the end of our discussion, Siiickbrain reveals valuable insights about authenticity as an artist and what she stands for. We explore her creative process, unwavering dedication to creating genuine music, and aspirations for her upcoming album.

WATCH ON YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fomccQ-Bp0o

SUPPORT THE SHOW: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2199346/supporters/new

GROUNDS FOR SUCCESS LINKS
All Links Here: https://linktr.ee/groundsforsuccess

AUSTIN SELTZER LINKS
All Links Here: https://linktr.ee/Austinseltzer

SIIICKBRAIN LINKS
All Links Here: https://siiickbrain.biglink.to/SIIICKBRAIN

Transcript

Austin Seltzer: 0:01

Welcome to the Grounds for Success podcast. I'm your host, austin Siltzer. Together we'll unveil the keys to success in the music industry. Join me as I explore my guest's life stories and experiences to uncover practical insights to help you align with your goals more effectively. Hey copy drinkers, welcome to the Grounds for Success podcast.

Austin Seltzer: 0:32

On today's episode I have Sick Brain. She's a good friend of mine and we have the most intimate conversation I've had so far with any guest. We touch on very, very deep matters. So I just want to let you know right now that this episode is going to be deep and possibly sometimes difficult to listen to, because Sick Brain dives into very intimate, deep things that have gone on in her life and I think through this episode you will become much more empathetic towards people with mental illness but people who have struggled with very difficult things in life, and through her eyes we can see how she's overcome so many things that have gone on in life to do incredible things that have been propelled by trauma that she's gone through in life or her upbringing. And I think that this is one of the most beautiful podcasts that I'll ever create with somebody, because she is just such a shining light through the things she's gone through in life.

Austin Seltzer: 1:38

In this episode we'll learn about her early childhood and really how the community she grew up in was very judgmental and it shaped who she was early in life, of course, but throughout her years as well. We will also talk about her mental health from a young age and kind of like how it affected her early childhood and through middle school and high school and how she saw the different places that she would move and the different school she would go to, how that would affect her anxiety levels and an eating disorder and kind of like how that shaped who she was as a child. We will also talk about how she developed agoraphobia, a disorder that I looked up. I didn't really understand, but through her eyes she wasn't able to leave the house and be in social settings, so how having this allowed her really to develop a craft and put in her 10,000 hours at such a young age. She also gives us a look behind the scenes on how incredibly difficult being a professional model is, kind of all the things that go along with it Very interesting topic.

Austin Seltzer: 3:00

We also hear the tragic story about her best friend, tristan, and how through him she was able to move into music with a very authentic message that she wanted to just get out of herself. I mean, really like pure art. And then, lastly, we'll talk about how sick brain connected with skrillex really, just through being incredibly authentic and doing something different, a really cool story as well. Alright, let's get caffeinated. I think that you as a person I've met you several times, but we haven't gotten to have any, I don't know, like lengthy, deeper conversations. But there's one thing that's so easy for me to see, and I'm sure that anybody who follows you or kind of knows I don't know, you don't put a ton of stuff online, so maybe not.

Siiickbrain: 3:53

I used to. I used to be crazy on the internet.

Austin Seltzer: 3:56

Okay. So people definitely know you're like I don't, I'm just gonna say like artwork through and through. I mean, obviously you're a beautiful person but like. I feel like everything you do has such intention and such beauty to it, whether I know your music is heavy and abrasive and beautiful and all these things, but it's all beautiful. It's just like what I mean by that is so thoughtful. Thanks.

Austin Seltzer: 4:26

I think that on this podcast I want to explore kind of like the DNA of what got you to hear, understanding how you function and how you think, and maybe we're going to explore things that you haven't really even thought of. And I think that that's kind of a beautiful thing as well. So to start off, let's go all the way back. I'd really love to learn and hear some about your childhood and where you grew up I think it's North Carolina.

Siiickbrain: 4:58

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 5:00

But some early family life and early things that you did in life.

Siiickbrain: 5:03

Yeah. So, yeah, I grew up in North Carolina. I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere. There were no neighbors. I was constantly terrified when I was alone in the house because I was like someone's gonna come here, no one's gonna know, I'm gonna die. Fear, yeah. So I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere with horses, and the community that I went to school in and grew up in was a very typical of a Southern conservative community. It was just not an open-minded community at all. There was also a lot of shame surrounding mental health. Yeah, basically, it was just very frowned upon, very judged if you had debilitating anxiety or any other problem with your mental health.

Austin Seltzer: 6:11

So there's I'm forgetting the name of the book right now, Kind of a shitty thing to. I'm referencing something I don't exactly remember, but there's the lead researcher who deals with trauma wrote a book. I don't remember what college she's a professor at, but she wrote this book and I think it's just called trauma, but it's upstairs somewhere. I read it. Beautiful book to help somebody who. I didn't have any trauma growing up and I feel very fortunate about that, and I've had to learn from my girl, cass, a whole lot on empathy for people who have had trauma and to understand how that can change someone, like the fork in the road where things happen and whatnot. I got very interested in learning about trauma and anxiety and one thing that this book talks about and they know for certain now that trauma is passed down from your parents and so if they went through, or somebody one of the two went through a very, very traumatic event, you can pass on that to your offspring.

Austin Seltzer: 7:23

It does change DNA. It changes their DNA if they went through really deep trauma. I think the people that they studied were like Auschwitz survivors and people that went through just incredible trauma and how that passed on, and so I don't know, but do you know if your parents went or one of your parents went through something that was incredibly traumatic?

Siiickbrain: 7:49

Oh yeah, I mean I know my dad and I have a very me and my dad type relationship, like there's always been like a wall there, so I'm not really positive on that. I love my dad. He's the best ever. He's like my favorite person. He and my mom both they're incredible. You met them.

Austin Seltzer: 8:16

They were in this room. They were in this room. Yeah, we recorded some cello.

Siiickbrain: 8:22

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 8:23

And we showed them the room and the studio next door and they were lovely yeah they're amazing.

Siiickbrain: 8:29

My mom has definitely been through a lot. I don't know if that's something that I want to talk about publicly, because it's not my stuff to share Of course.

Siiickbrain: 8:40

But, yeah, my mom has been through a lot and I think that she's super inspiring to me because she and it wasn't this way always Like I as I got older and like learned more about life, like I kind of realized more about how she works and had a newfound appreciation for her, because as a kid we were always butting heads and I think it's because we're so similar. Yeah, like we had a really hard relationship growing up, but now she's like my person and yeah, she has shown me that going through a lot of stuff can really shape you into a strong person and, instead of letting it just rip you apart and, like you know, cause a bunch of issues, you can turn those issues into something really wonderful and you know it can shape you as an individual and give you empathy and more of an understanding of, like, what other people go through. But, yeah, she's wonderful, she is amazing. Yeah, I love that she's definitely been through some shit.

Austin Seltzer: 10:09

Yeah.

Siiickbrain: 10:10

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 10:11

Yeah, and I totally understand. I mean that is her story to tell. Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 10:15

Me and my mom were very much the same way. I think that her and I are so similar in so many different areas that me and her just butt heads forever. And then there was one day that it clicked. Probably I think it was like 18, like right. Whenever I was graduating I had this like weird epiphany moment where I was a class clown, I was a dick to subs, you know substitute teachers. I don't think that I really picked on people in school. I would definitely wasn't a bully, I think I. But you could see like whenever people were like poking at somebody, I think that I would join in.

Austin Seltzer: 10:57

And there was this one day where I don't know what happened, but like it was like life just slapped me in the fucking face and I changed completely. I was like, wait, substitute teachers are just people, just like me. These people that I'm like joining in, picking on somebody, are that. That person is me.

Austin Seltzer: 11:20

My mom is just like me and my whole world just like flipped and I started to treat people just so much differently, Like like I'm treating myself and me and my mom became very close and I understood. Like that also clicked. I, you are just like me. That's why we're butting heads and I love that you had that epiphany with your mom as well.

Siiickbrain: 11:45

Oh yeah, and it sucks because it's like when I moved out, I moved to Brooklyn before I moved to LA, but when I moved out was when I started realizing it, you know it takes like a very mature shift.

Austin Seltzer: 12:02

Yeah, a different perspective on life. Yeah, moving out makes sense, Okay. So yeah, you're in second grade and you're having stomach ulcers and incredibly difficult. Oh yeah, I can't imagine.

Siiickbrain: 12:17

I don't know why I was so stressed. Like girl, calm down.

Austin Seltzer: 12:22

But I'm guessing that that was kind of just the beginning.

Siiickbrain: 12:26

Yeah, that was just the beginning. I knew, like, you know, that started like triggering a lot of other things, yeah, and then it just like kind of went crazy from there.

Austin Seltzer: 12:39

Yeah. So let's explore some of that, and this isn't just to understand the I don't know the dark and deep things. I think that all of this is what has created someone who has such an interesting story to tell, with such an interesting background, and I think that people who go on to really inspire those and make great art, they are channeling something that they have been through that nobody else has, with a story that nobody else has, and you're somehow able to take all these things that have happened in life and create something truly inspiring. And so I. This exploration is to figure out those things, because you've told me, you don't really understand how you you are where you are and doing the things that you are, and so I think we get to explore this together. So let's move on from second grade. What point in life did art of any form start taking place?

Siiickbrain: 13:43

I mean, when I was growing up like since before I can even remember I was always like ingesting a lot of music, not like actually eating music books, but like I, was like it does. I was listening to music as I was waking up. My mom was playing piano, like every morning. That's how I would wake up. She was playing like a grand piano in the living room every day, and I was so over it at that age.

Austin Seltzer: 14:17

But looking back I'm like yeah.

Siiickbrain: 14:19

I'm like I would do anything to have those moments back. But I was just like ingesting that and you know, my brother and I shared a wall so I was listening to his, like you know, yellow card and Hawthorne Heights, blink Bayside, I'm guessing.

Siiickbrain: 14:45

Lincoln Park at that era and, yeah, like everything he was listening to that. Okay, and he's my older brother, so I was like obviously very influenced by that. My mom was in the living room playing piano and my sister, who I obviously have looked up to forever, was listening to, like the shins, radiohead, the cure, john Mayer, elliot Smith incredible, like one of my favorites. She was listening to a lot of that and anytime I would be in her car I just remember like the shins playing or like Radiohead.

Austin Seltzer: 15:37

This makes so much sense.

Siiickbrain: 15:39

Yeah, so I was just like influenced by like these, and then my dad like listened to like Jimmy Buffett.

Austin Seltzer: 15:50

Having met him, I totally see it.

Siiickbrain: 15:53

Oh yeah. He's wonderful and he's like on a country era right now. He's been listening to a lot of country music which, like he wasn't really growing up. Growing up it was very like Paul McCartney. You know stuff like that.

Austin Seltzer: 16:10

Yeah, what was the? We go into the studio and I have him. What was that? I don't know. So for everybody, for everybody listening and watching I had Caroline and her family over and I had them sit down in the chair and, just like, choose whatever they want to listen to. Yeah, and your dad chose like the most twangy country.

Siiickbrain: 16:34

Oh my God, I listened to like who did I play? I played, oh, Ethel Cain. I was like oh mother.

Siiickbrain: 16:51

So I was like, oh, let's listen to Ethel Cain, because I've just been like living for her lately, so I was playing that. My mom was like I think too shy to pick a song. So I was like, here, just listen to this. It's like a God want. She like sits in the chair. She like listens. My dad's like I can't wait to pick one and he picks one. It's so country. I don't know anything about country music except for Shania Twain and the Dixie Chicks for lifers.

Austin Seltzer: 17:22

I mean, I immediately looked over to you and you're like oh my God, what is he playing?

Siiickbrain: 17:27

I was like oh my God. I was like this place has never heard that music before. It's so true. My dad picks this country music and he's sitting there, the speakers are here, we're all behind him. He's like, looking at the screen starts playing the country music, singing along with his chest, having a country moment, and I am back there biting my lip, trying not to laugh because he's having his moment. Let him have his moment, you know.

Austin Seltzer: 17:56

But he was like I've never heard this this way.

Siiickbrain: 17:59

I've never heard it like this. He was like so into it. He was singing all the words and I was like yes, but I was like that is wild. I've never seen him or heard him listen to that music before. But anyway, he's on a country tip. But back to what we were talking about. I've had all these influences surrounding me forever and that was really my first. That was the first thing that I was artistically shaped by, I guess. And then, of course, was very individual art. I was drawing all the time and I was doing I mean, starting at around 13, I started doing my makeup and doing other people's makeup and really getting into it and having a moment, because I was also dealing with my anxieties and agoraphobia.

Austin Seltzer: 19:00

What is that, by the way?

Siiickbrain: 19:01

Agoraphobia. Oh, I couldn't leave the house. I would get super lightheaded and feel like I was going to pass out. I couldn't do anything. Even there was a point where I was really looking forward to going to homecoming. This was when I was getting a little older. The agoraphobia was actually a thing thing when I was in high school.

Austin Seltzer: 19:24

What age did that start?

Siiickbrain: 19:27

That started seriously when I was like I want to say 16. We came like an actual real thing. I think it was kind of a thing my whole life, but it was a real thing that was extremely debilitating when I was 16.

Austin Seltzer: 19:49

Two things. What were some of the really difficult things that you were dealing with at that time? If you're open to it, Go.

Siiickbrain: 19:57

Basically, when I was like I was trying to get, you know, I was trying to find like my place, where I fit in. So I grew up, I went to private school, like I said before, until seventh grade and I started going to public school and I had like girls in the class and I was, like you know, starting to make friends with them. I was also struggling with an eating disorder, which is crazy because I kept that for my family forever, like they still don't really know, like that that's what was going on. I was like terrified of food, like I had a really bad fear of like being sick and like I didn't want like, as my body was growing and like developing, it was like freaking me out. I've like had this weird thing with time my whole life, and so I was like kind of starving myself, but I was also feeling really sick, like super nauseous, but that was, of course, rooted in anxiety, and so it kind of led to like this fear of food and my family it was kind of just like never really thinking that that was a thing, and both my parents are in the medical field, so they were like sending me to doctors, doctors, doctors, you know a few times like doctors would like bring that up. I would freak out on them Like that's absolutely not what is going on, you know. But that's what people who deal with eating disorders do Usually, you know. It's like this very like I don't have a problem and that's what I would say, and they would be like, okay, then you don't have a problem. Then you have a medical problem and yeah, it was just like eating disorder that was going on.

Siiickbrain: 21:56

I was also trying to fit in by doing photo shoots with this photographer that was like really well known in the town, who I actually found out that I was not the only girl, that he was like extraordinarily inappropriate, to like a degree of where he should be in jail, vibe, which was really sad to find out because he shot my family photos when I was four years old and went to high school with my mom and everyone in the town kind of knows it. But he's just out taking pictures of a little kid still and vibing and you know what, he had my photo in his window for years. He can rot, but anyway. So I was dealing with that, you know, and I didn't want to tell anyone because also, on top of that my mom didn't want me to take photos with him.

Siiickbrain: 23:11

So when I got my license, I started secretly going to take photos with him because I wanted to fit in and I wanted to like be, like find a way to have girlfriends and like find like my crowd, you know, and I could never do that and I was like maybe, if I like do some of the things that they're doing, maybe like they can find a way to accept me or think like I'm cool enough to be around or like cool enough to invite places or whatever. Because, like I needed to like try extra hard, kind of, because I just didn't have like I was randomly coming in mid middle school to public school. So I was like I gotta try. I mean, I guess the timeline I was starting to take pictures of him when I was 16, but it was still like a progressive thing where I was like felt like I had to continue to try like throughout my entire high school career, you know, yeah, but anyway. So my mom had told me I was never allowed to shoot with him.

Austin Seltzer: 24:20

Because she knew yeah.

Siiickbrain: 24:23

Like, as I got older, I wasn't like allowed to go shoot with him alone. Yeah, you know.

Austin Seltzer: 24:29

I'm guessing, because the town knows these things, but they're just not set.

Siiickbrain: 24:33

They never are set. So I had that go on. So that was something that was in my head. Constantly. I was like kind of living in fear of that, living in fear of like men, and then I like had like my first relationship that was, god awful, like a very putting me in a really weird place. So I would just like constantly was kind of being let down by men, except for my dad, of course, king. But yeah, that was just something, and I think that that causes a lot of trauma.

Austin Seltzer: 25:18

And was this first relationship whenever you were 16? Is this the guy that you wanted to go to homecoming with?

Siiickbrain: 25:24

I think so it was around that same time that we started yeah, seeing each other.

Austin Seltzer: 25:32

So do you know how the Goraphobia started? Because this is a really interesting thing that I don't know much about.

Siiickbrain: 25:42

It just started Like I always wanted to leave school, like my entire life, like I always wanted to go home.

Austin Seltzer: 25:51

But was it preventing you from leaving the house?

Siiickbrain: 25:55

Oh yeah, like it got there. Like I would always. I would always leave school like my whole life, like I would be like, oh, I don't feel good, like I want to go home, like that was like my whole life, basically Because then in high school it got to a point and then I ended up finishing high school from home. Okay, like I would have people, like teachers, like bring my books and bring my assignments, and I was so.

Siiickbrain: 26:23

It was so bad at a point where I didn't even want to see anyone from the outside. So I remember having a teacher come and like bring stuff to the house and, by the way, at this time my only friend was my cousin who like had just gotten out of rehab. He was like my only friend and we laugh about this all the time now. But I had a teacher come with my books and I literally was so scared to like confront them and like see them and say a word that I literally ran to another room and like hid. Like I was like, oh my God, like act like I'm not here, you know, like I can't. Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 27:03

How I mean to just explore the thought a little bit more, and then we can move on from this because I can see that how this is going to influence things. You know more current. But, how did you start moving to a point where you could leave the house and you did get more friends and you know you actually looked forward.

Siiickbrain: 27:26

I never really had real friends in North Carolina, I only had my cousin. It wasn't until I moved to Brooklyn. Everyone in North Carolina was like making fun of me for like my mental health because they didn't understand and none of them were like had been, you know, shown that they didn't understand. They were like, oh, she's just like crazy. Yeah.

Siiickbrain: 28:00

And like it's weird because it made me think that too, I was like I'm just like literally off the rails and I remember there was a point where my mom was like telling me because, like, like I said, like we weren't really friends till I moved out, she would. She would say you're just going to be here forever, like you're going to just be on the couch forever and you're just going to starve to death and be on this couch and not leave. Because she was like putting this in my head, I guess, to try and like get me to like do something about it, like instilling fear in me that this was my future forever.

Austin Seltzer: 28:40

Yeah, Well, I I don't know how you left North Carolina, but first of all I got to commend the hell out of you. Oh, thank you For getting out, for multiple reasons, like one I know. Whenever it feels all consuming, like that, you, your world is in this tiny town. It's very tough to leave. I mean, you've already said that going from a private school to a public school is very difficult. Leaving and going somewhere else is so incredibly tough. How did you leave? What was, what was the thing that?

Siiickbrain: 29:18

got you to leave. Basically, I was like okay, I'm going to prove to my mom that I'm not going to go to community college. So I applied to like a few colleges. I got into one, like probably two and a half hours away, and I was like terrified to go.

Austin Seltzer: 29:42

And I. I stayed in mental health like help, housing and sorry to interrupt you here, but I it totally makes sense, though. Right, those are your people not because they're in use, sort of way it's because, they weren't judging you. They weren't right saying that you are this, that or the other.

Siiickbrain: 30:05

Right.

Austin Seltzer: 30:06

You just, you just fit in because they weren't doing that, and I love that, right, I think that's a great thing.

Siiickbrain: 30:13

Yeah, it was great, but I hated it. I hated it. I didn't want to go there. I just like needed to get out and it was the easiest transition for me. Like it was the easiest option I had in front of me. I just needed to get go somewhere and that was the only place that, like, I could figure out how to go to. So I went there.

Siiickbrain: 30:40

I only went to that school for one semester and, by the way, I ended up graduating high school early. I graduated one semester early from high school because I was just like I can't, like I cannot keep doing it. So I crammed all my, all my credits like into, like for semester, senior year, basically, and then I finished and then I got to focus on my mental health for a little bit and then during that period it was so bizarre, like I was on so many different medications, trying to figure it out, going to so many different doctors, so many different therapists. I made one of them cry and like question her life. It's crazy. And then I ended up bouncing and going to that school and I wrote my parents a letter like midway through midway through the semester. It was only like semesters aren't that long Like now that we're thinking about it, like now that we're like older, it's like wow, that's like two months, like half a semester. That's not right. I think like three maybe.

Austin Seltzer: 31:55

I don't know, I don't know Half a semester, yeah, it's like three yeah.

Siiickbrain: 32:01

So I wrote them a letter and I was already like done. I was like this sucks, like I'm over it. I know that I can be out of the house. And, by the way, my anxiety was getting so much more manageable because I had no choice but to figure it out on my own. I didn't have someone in my ear being like this is what you're going to be for the rest of your life. People you know telling me take this, take that. You know I was. I was figuring it out on my own and I was away from all the trauma that I got when I was younger. So I moved to Brooklyn. I wrote my parents a letter. I was like I got to get out of here. It's like this is not what I want to be doing.

Austin Seltzer: 32:45

I like that you wrote them a letter. I did, it was an email.

Siiickbrain: 32:48

It was an email.

Austin Seltzer: 32:49

Okay.

Siiickbrain: 32:51

And all the reasons that I wanted to move to Brooklyn and why I thought I could do it. I wrote them a long email.

Austin Seltzer: 32:57

Do you remember any of those reasons?

Siiickbrain: 32:59

Yeah, it was just like I'm not happy here. I think I may have had in this letter I don't know if I ended up deleting it out of the letter, but I think I may have literally had like, if I stay here, I'm going to kill myself or something. It was like I like basically threatened my life. I may have deleted it, but like in my head that's what was going on. I was like if I stay in North Carolina, I'm literally going to kill myself. Yeah.

Siiickbrain: 33:28

And so I bounced, and as soon as I got to New York and I lived in Brooklyn and, by the way, I had been to New York one time for like two days before I moved- there.

Siiickbrain: 33:42

And before I moved to LA, never visited, never came here, but I just up and up and left and I started going to makeup school. I was like I'm going to be a makeup artist because, like I said, I was like doing makeup on myself and like my friends to try and like feel better, feel something you know, feel more confident in my skin. I was like maybe I'll feel better. I was like, you know, hiding in my room I had time on my hands. I was like there's all. I have all of this stuff. So I started just doing makeup. And then I was like more I was I.

Siiickbrain: 34:12

As soon as I got out and got in the city and had a taste of what life could be. As soon as I was like more, more, more, more, more, more, because I had been locked up by my own mental health, like I was essentially in my own prison, you know. And I got out and I was like, okay, more and more I was like I'm going to start a makeup company. That was my first thing that I was like besides doing makeup. I was like I'm going to start a makeup company. I was like, but there's no schools like where I can learn to do that, and so I found a school in LA. I'm like I'm going to bounce, I'm going to go get a marketing degree. Wow.

Siiickbrain: 35:09

I was like like I said, like I was just like on a roll here. I was like, okay, I can do this. Like I was like I'm figuring out how to ride the subway. I'm like living on my own, I'm experiencing things. By the way, like I started like going out, like I started going to clubs by myself Bravo, Crazy person.

Austin Seltzer: 35:29

That's actually really hard.

Siiickbrain: 35:29

Crazy person Like, but it's like I was fresh off the farm, like I wasn't thinking about, like what I'm going to, like what kind of impression I'm going to put on people, and just like I want to experience it now because I'm sick of it. Like I was like so in my zone and so I literally like befriended a club promoter in New York and I would go oh, I would like use my fake ID and like go to these clubs by myself and like, and at this time I was like living a crazy person lifestyle, like 18 year old living in New York. Like I was, like I there's models here. I've never seen a real model in real life. Like that's crazy. They're signed to an agency. Like oh my God, anyway, we go to LA. Right, I go by myself. No friends in LA, like I'm. Like I'm going to school for marketing, move downtown, like, start going to school.

Siiickbrain: 36:39

And as I was going to school, I was working as a makeup artist. And as I was working as a makeup artist, I went to a job. There was one model there. The other model didn't show up. I had done like. I said like I had shot with that creepy guy North Carolina, yeah, um, I had like a little bit of experience in front of the camera. They asked me if I would model the stuff and I would get her rate. I was like they told me her rate. I was like girl, like that's way more than I'm getting paid as a makeup artist and I'm putting all that money back into my kit so I can keep working Like I would like. Once you put like so much money back into your makeup kit, it's like you get like scraps. You know, it's like really hard being a makeup artist and lugging your shit around. It's like a tiny person. Um, I was like fuck it, like okay, I'll model. So I modeled and then I got more modeling jobs.

Austin Seltzer: 37:43

Do you remember what the first gig was?

Siiickbrain: 37:45

Like some random, like Japanese brand. So, um, and I had hair at the time, yeah, and so I was like, okay, crazy. And then I'm like, hmm, start, you know, experimenting with my hair, you know just doing a bunch of stuff like doing fun photo shoots with my friend. Um, I ended up moving to another spot downtown with my friend that I met at school and Bianca Um, she's an incredible photographer and she was just trying to get into photography and I was like, can you take pictures of me so that I can like, maybe make this a real thing? And so she started like taking pictures of me and she was building her book. I was building mine.

Siiickbrain: 38:40

Um, I was also like living an insane like lifestyle. Like I was still like trying to, like I was going out all the time like doing crazy things. Um, my hair at this point was getting super, super damaged. So one day I was like I just shaved my head, like she like videoed it. I shaved my head and she took photos of it and, like, immediately, like I started booking so many modeling jobs. And then, oh, throughout this, like right before, right before I signed to a modeling agency, um, there was a setback like in my mental health, like everything was going really well. I was struggling with anxiety and stuff, um, but there was a shooting in my building downtown and my neighbor got shot in front of my door and died.

Siiickbrain: 39:33

So I came home one day I was getting all these texts. They were like are you okay? What's going on? And I was getting all these texts because my friend's sister like lived there or lived and worked there. And he was like working in the like leasing office, yeah, and he was like check the news, like for your building. And I was like what the fuck that's? I share a wall with the guy who got shot and killed. So I come home and the carpets ripped up in front of my door and that was like where he was killed.

Siiickbrain: 40:07

And so I was that sent me like a life is scary, like here I go back to being crazy and like mentally and well, um, and I move out of that building like literally within like 48 hours. I like don't sleep, I'm like on a sick one, I'm like I gotta get the fuck out of here. But I'm not going back to North Carolina or anywhere else, I'm moving to West Hollywood. So I moved to West Hollywood, near all the clubs, and by this point I have almost graduated and I finally graduate, signed to a modeling agency and then I'm like, okay, I need to start like making money because I have to. Yeah.

Siiickbrain: 41:09

So modeling is so unpredictable you can work for, you know, three months straight, make a grip of money and then don't work for a year. That's just how it works. Trends come and go. Trends are people. You know my shaved head, my tattoos. I'm also small for a model, so, like me, getting booked is like you know, kind of you never know. And so I start working as a club promoter. I've never said that in an interview. Never admitted it.

Austin Seltzer: 41:50

Wait, so we're going to pause there.

Siiickbrain: 41:52

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 41:52

I want to hear about that. That's very exciting. It's like I can understand networking wise how that would open so many doors. But so I want you to realize this. I'm starting to see some of the how you got to where you are, and what I want to say is have I bring this up on each podcast episode, because this is one of the things that I love? Have you read or heard of the book Outliers? By chance.

Austin Seltzer: 42:22

So the point of this book is to talk about how people who are great at something, people that we put not on a pedestal, but we just know that they are great at whatever they do, but like exceptional. So one of the examples I give from that book is Bill Gates. He grew up in a small town that happened to have a library that had a computer and one of the only computers in I think it's the state, and he would go up there and work on this computer. That's like brand new and nobody knows how to work it, but he figures it out. Whenever he's a kid and he happens to go to a college that's in his hometown, that one of the only computer labs in the US, and he has already learned to use the computer, so he's already like way ahead of everybody, and so he puts in all these hours that nobody else can on a computer.

Austin Seltzer: 43:28

And so the place that he was born was an outlier. The outlier just means like what are the freak of nature type things that have to happen in order to make somebody ridiculously great. And it has so many other examples. But what I wanted to say here and what's so interesting, to just use this Goraphobia, you, being in your house for so long allowed you to do things that people who are going to school daily could not do. So you said that you were playing with makeup all the time, right?

Austin Seltzer: 44:07

And like, tell me some other things that you would do at home. While basically everybody else is at school, you were doing things at home that were probably things that you were more passionate about so makeup, but how were you spending your time?

Siiickbrain: 44:28

Um, literally that's it Makeup and listening to music.

Austin Seltzer: 44:33

There you go. So you put so many hours into learning makeup, learning how to do it, I'm sure, in many different I'm not like a makeup person, obviously, but I'm sure that so many different styles, so many different techniques. You're exploring this and that and failures, and oh, that works. So you're honing in on that and trying different things while people are at school. They have to pay attention in class.

Siiickbrain: 45:02

Yeah, and also quick question If I asked you something you learned in high school, or like something you learned in college, do you even remember, like off top of your head?

Austin Seltzer: 45:16

Maybe in the class that I actually cared about.

Siiickbrain: 45:18

Right, like I didn't give a shit about any of that shit at all.

Austin Seltzer: 45:24

Yeah, one thing that I found except for English but I still made it. See, I'm going to find a good point here is that I think people who are very, very creative and just to their core are creative and they go on to do great things. I think that almost all of them hated school because we don't like the rigidity of like you have to do this, that and the other, but we all love learning and we like learning about things that we care about, so you were learning about makeup.

Austin Seltzer: 45:59

And then you went to marketing school and you did music stuff.

Siiickbrain: 46:05

Well, I will also say, though, I wanted to go to marketing school, kind of to learn about what, like doing you know, doing you know owning my own brand. But also, dude, I only really went to marketing school. Like, I'll tell you this honestly, I could not tell you one thing that I learned in marketing school that I applied in my life, or that I will be applying to my company if I launch one.

Siiickbrain: 46:39

I love that I love that I do not believe. I do not believe in that type of education. I think that living life will give you the education that is the most important for living the lifestyles that we live.

Austin Seltzer: 47:00

I think that that's so true. I didn't go to school for music.

Siiickbrain: 47:04

Yeah, fuck that. It's a waste of money. You could literally spend your time doing things that will benefit you in a much better way. Yeah, like I, yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 47:19

I do personally love learning, like. So, if there's something that I'm interested in, I will seek out either a book, an online course or something like that, and I'll just like take this one thing and learn about this one thing, like starting a business. I went very deep into learning about that thing, but anything surrounding that I just don't care about.

Siiickbrain: 47:46

I don't care about that bullshit and it's literally a waste of time. You will spend so many hours like working on school projects, homework, reading things. I mean I think reading is important and everyone should read, but it's like I don't remember anything that I read in high school or college. Like that shit is wild.

Austin Seltzer: 48:11

Like yeah, I'm very much on the same page. I didn't give much of a shit. I made really good grades.

Austin Seltzer: 48:20

Waste of time, except for in math I fucking suck at math. But but to the point that I was saying with the Goraphobia thing, that that is part of your outlier or that is your outlier you put in so many hours into doing makeup and that's what propelled you to get out of your hometown. That's what sustained life while you're in New York. You came out here. That's what sustained life for a while is because you honed in this craft that you were so good at.

Austin Seltzer: 48:54

And I think that as we keep on talking, I know that makeup and beauty is going to be like a very deep fabric of who you are. And if you didn't have Goraphobia, if you weren't at home constantly doing makeup, maybe you would have gone to school and come home and done it a couple of hours, but then you would have had homework. I'm sure your parents would have made you go to sleep early, like this circumstance is what allowed you to hone in a craft that nobody else could have had the amount of years that you had whenever you went to New York. So I find that's a very deep fabric of what makes you special is like you are able to put in hours at an early age in this craft. That's so creative and artistic Thanks.

Austin Seltzer: 49:47

And now we can go back to you being a club promoter.

Siiickbrain: 49:52

So, yeah, I was a club promoter and I was modeling at the same time and during this period of time, I was like going through a bunch of crazy shit that, like I never thought I would go through, like what.

Siiickbrain: 50:08

Like as I was modeling and it's crazy because I was like I swear I'm never going to bring this up, but and I think modeling is a great thing and I think it's a great opportunity if you have that opportunity Like, I think it's wonderful and like it's an amazing way to see like I learned so much about marketing when I was modeling because I like saw like the behind the scenes, I saw like everyone there like literally doing an incredible job, like. But I dealt with a lot of inappropriate, disgusting behavior that triggered me based upon what I had been through with modeling.

Austin Seltzer: 51:04

From photographers.

Siiickbrain: 51:05

Oh yeah, oh yeah. And there was like an extensive list that came out in like a few years ago that had like over a hundred like photographers that were like blacklisted just because of the things that they would do.

Siiickbrain: 51:26

That pisses me off To models Because they think models are just toys or like props. And also everyone uses modeling. It's like a stepping stone, like no one's like oh, I'm going to be a model forever, like no. Like I was trying to make money and at the same time I did really enjoy it. When it was good, it was good, but when it was bad, it was like really bad. Like there was a point where I there was a really bad incident that happened. I mean, some shit would happen and it's like damn, like that sucks. I'm going to go cry about it for two days and it's going to suck and like I'll get through it and I'll like tell everyone else that I know not to work with them. But then there was like an incident where, like I was at the police station for like an entire day with my modeling agent.

Siiickbrain: 52:25

I had like a call from the president of the agency Like oh my God, I can't even imagine what happened.

Siiickbrain: 52:32

And then we all decided we're not going to say who it was, because, hey, it's just really hard to like when you're in a position like this or like you know. I know that Lady Gaga said in an interview too one time, like that she would never say who it was because she never wants to face him and this type of shit happens. It's the same as what I said with, like the person in my hometown like I don't ever want to see this person again, I don't ever want to speak to them again, I don't ever want to like have to. You know, of course, like I'll bring it up in conversation during things like this, but this is the only time I've ever brought it up in conversation, like in with a camera or like in some sort of like podcast or interview, and it's like just insane how common it is.

Siiickbrain: 53:27

It's like if you want to be a model, you have to have a thick skin. You're getting rejected, rejected, rejected, and then when you get accepted, great for something, or you get the job, like sick, like you're going to have a great time, probably like 80% of the time. The other 20% it's like you're running on no sleep, like you're surrounded by models who are like so insanely beautiful. It was like triggering my eating disorder at a point really bad made my like body dysmorphia really bad. Like yeah, modeling is hard.

Siiickbrain: 54:10

And then during that I was also like in the club promoter scene and like going out every night and like, of course, I was like come home like and sleep for like two days because I would just be so exhausted. But I was just like trying to make money and, granted, I was like living, I was like having a good time but, like all my friends were like drug addicts, escorts or industry people and bro, all the industry people that I met as a club promoter, that I became friends with like bro, I have not asked anyone for anything that I met back then, or like no one has helped further my career that I met back then.

Austin Seltzer: 55:08

That's very interesting and yeah and great for people to know.

Siiickbrain: 55:11

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 55:14

That's clearly where, because whenever I stopped and went back and I said we continue this, my mind immediately went to was like, oh, you probably like met someone in the club promoter scene.

Siiickbrain: 55:25

No, I mean, I met great people that I'm still friends with to this day. Half of them were dead but like a lot of them I don't talk to because they're like still off the rails or like married to an old guy. But, like I don't know, I just I. That's when I met, like Kels and like Maude and like everyone. I met them all back then but I haven't, like I haven't worked together on like a music level.

Austin Seltzer: 56:16

Yeah, but I'm sure that it will come back around to this conversation. But I have a feeling that that, that part of your life, if it hadn't happened the way that it was, you just wouldn't be the person that you are.

Siiickbrain: 56:29

Well, yeah, because if I hadn't have had that time in my life, I wouldn't have, like made friends with, like my best friend in the world, who like is the person who ultimately, in a weird way, made it so that I could start my music career.

Austin Seltzer: 56:49

Who is that person?

Siiickbrain: 56:52

My best friend that I met through this girly pop. It was like her man at the time and we all three hung out and he was like, when I met him, how old was he? I think he was like 20 when we met. That is Tristan as my best friend ever. He was sober when we met. We met like like I met her through nightlife, like I met her through like the club promoter, like seeing whatever. And, by the way, at the time I was like not telling people I was club promoter, I would just go out with my friends and I would be getting paid and like be club promoting like on the low, like they would be like why do you have a table with all these bottles?

Siiickbrain: 57:49

and I'm like, oh my god, I don't know. But yeah, so I met him. He just like I don't know, we just like instantly clicked and became like very close. It was weird because he was like family to me and he was sober, he had just got off heroin and then and then he was around me during the whole like time that I was working in nightlife and he was like I want to do it with you and so we became this like power nightlife duo and became so close he tattooed his name on me.

Siiickbrain: 58:40

I tattooed mine on him in the same spot, because I got a tattoo gun for Christmas one year. Because my parents became like super, like progressive and like so cool and like because, like, I started like being like I'm still me, but I'm like doing all this cool stuff, like I mean, well, they didn't know about the crazy shit. So Tristan kind of was like this family person, like to me, like he was always there for me no matter what, like anytime that I would be seeing someone, it would go bad. He would always be there. Anytime I needed anything, he would always be there and like with balloons or something. And he was like this scruffy, like floppy hair, like boy so tall, like he was a model as well and he like brought me to his mom's house, like introduced me to his mom and her like this. And because we were in nightlife, he started being like I think I'm going to drink again. I'm just going to try it, I'm just going to do a little, I'm just going to smoke a little weed, like everything's going to be fine. I'm like, okay, just be careful. Like to get it like whatever starts doing other stuff. I'm like, okay, be careful, I get it. Everyone's doing that, it's fine, whatever.

Siiickbrain: 1:00:17

And then he had dealt with a lot growing up and then it just started becoming like he was like doing more things, doing more things, and I was doing less things and I was like he's freaking me out, like it's not going good. And then I was like falling in love with him because he was like my best friend, he was my person, you know. And then he would be like I can't be with you because I'm not doing good right now. I need to get better and do all this stuff. And I'm like, yeah, like you do, like, but I'm here, I'm like supporting. And there was a point where he was like trying to get sober at my house and he was like having seizures, like on my floor, like hitting his head on the floor, and I was like just holding him because I was trying to get him sober, because I knew like he needed to get sober because she was getting bad, like he was doing bad shit again, and I was like you can do it like I'm practically sober at this point. I'm just like I'm over it, like I'm just seeing all the bad shit. I'm tired. I'm like fucking exhausted. Come on, like you got this.

Siiickbrain: 1:01:24

He ends up getting sober again and then we're spending a lot of time together, but he's like so sad, he's like so depressed, he's like I miss not being sober and this is like the classic like story. It's like if I don't do drugs, I'm gonna kill myself because I'm so I hate being sober. Like I hate it so much, like I hate the way. Look, I hate the way I feel like I hate this, I hate that. And then I'm like, okay, well, if you like need to smoke weed again to be here, like you can do that, like whatever.

Siiickbrain: 1:02:00

And then I the whole like timeline is so fucked up to me because everything was happening so quickly and like there would be time periods where, like I wouldn't speak to him, or like he wouldn't speak to me or he would just be rogue. There was like a time period where his mom kicked him out because he started using again, but like just little things, and then he started staying with friends and then, fall of 2019, he didn't come to my birthday, which was in November, and I was like where are you like this? We're like this. You know we never. We never were like fully dating because he was always like I just want to be better and then we can be together like at some point. Like I know we're like I know we're gonna like have kids together, I know we're like getting married, like I know we are like and I'm like, yeah, cuz you're my best friend and like all this other shit anyway. So he didn't show up to my birthday.

Siiickbrain: 1:03:08

I was texting him. He was he like hit me up the next day, was like I'm sorry I didn't make it, everything misspelled, I'm like, but he like sent me a selfie. He's like where are you? I'm like he's he's like on another planet, like alright, whatever, my my homie was like don't see him when he's like this, like da, da, da, da, da. And I'm like, okay, biggest regret of my life. He was like bouncing around from like friend's house to friend's house. And then I talked to him on Christmas because I was like I remember I was like in North Carolina for Christmas and I was like Merry Christmas, like da, da, da, da, da. And he's like I'm in the hospital. I'm like what the fuck happened? He's like I don't know.

Siiickbrain: 1:03:51

I woke up like I think I OD'd like on the sidewalk or something. Like he's friend, he OD'd with his friends that he was with that. He was like couch surfing, like he was crashing at their place and I guess it was like a drug dealer or something and they dropped on that sidewalk and called 911 because they didn't want to get in trouble. So he woke up, like on Christmas or like some like one of the days, like before or after Christmas, I don't even remember 2019. He was like, yeah, I woke up in the hospital like I think I OD'd, like, oh my god, and then I'm like I went once I get back in town, like I'm gonna make it, make more of an effort to like be around him and stuff. Like, even if he's not sober, like it's fine, like I just needed to be around him. And then I was like talking to him, like and then I run into him at a party in January of 2020 and, well, I told him to come and this was also right after I met Maggie.

Siiickbrain: 1:04:57

I met Maggie and like I think it was like November, december of 2019, and we immediately became like best friends and I was with Maggie at this party. I was like I can't wait for you to meet Tristan. He's like the best person in the world. He's like, he's like me, like we're the same. He's just like going through it, but you're gonna love him. So he comes, and at that party it was me, maggie, and then I met this guy named it was a different Austin but he was like, have you ever thought about making music? And I was like not really. I mean, I know I can scream because, like an ex that I had, that was like in the music industry, like heard me scream, tall thorn heights, like Ohio is for lovers, like for fun, like being funny one day.

Austin Seltzer: 1:05:55

I think we've all streamed to that.

Siiickbrain: 1:05:56

Yeah, and he's like wait, why can you actually scream? And I was like I have no idea that I even could, but anyway. So I like had in the back of my head that like if I ever wanted to do music which I did my entire life I wanted to do music. But I was too scared and so I was like, yeah, to make up whatever, I'll stay, like you know, in the back, but I was like slowly getting pushed like more, like in front of the cameras and like whatever. Anyway. So back to that party. I met that guy. It was like if you ever thought of doing music, I was like maybe we could like fuck around, like make something one day. Tristan comes I introduce him to Maggie.

Siiickbrain: 1:06:34

My good friend Daniel was there who was like also, like it was like the trifecta of like the nightlife club kids like it was me, daniel and Tristan, and Daniel was there and me and Tristan like went out on the side patio and we're like talking for a long time and it was like, oh yeah, like we should just say fuck it and like be together or whatever. And then I'm like okay, but I need to go home. I'm like so tired. I like say bye to Maggie, I say bye to Austin and then like I say bye to Daniel, and then I turn around and Tristan's there and Daniel's like why don't you guys just like date already?

Siiickbrain: 1:07:16

like this is fucking ridiculous we like kiss, and he's like whatever, I'm like okay, I'll see you soon. I leave. We like make plans, like a couple weeks later I'm out or we make plans. I FaceTime him. I'm like I'll see you tonight. Like do you want to hang out tonight? And he was like I have something tonight, but let's hang out tomorrow night. I was like I can come with you to the thing tonight. He's like no, no, no, it's like too dangerous. He's probably like doing some like shady, like drug deal or something. He's like it's too dangerous. I'm like okay, even though, like I can hold my own, I can literally get with you. I don't care, I just want to be with you. I don't care. He's like I'll see you tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow. Like let's go out tomorrow. I'm like okay, okay, but I go out with my friends to Warwick, couple people in nightlife and Femme you know, femme, yeah. I do.

Siiickbrain: 1:08:17

Yeah, with green hair, my queen and we had just became friends, like I mean, no, we had known each other for I guess a couple years, but we weren't super close at this point. But we were out. I was text interested and I was like, hey, where are you? I was like where you at? He didn't hit me back. I was like okay, whatever, like he's just doing something. And then I like look towards the door I'm like having a great time, by the way. I like look towards the door and my friend Daniel's walking in and he's like looks weird. I'm like what the fuck? Like Daniel's?

Austin Seltzer: 1:08:58

here let's rage.

Siiickbrain: 1:09:00

And then I see my other homie who, like had grew up with Tristan behind him and they're like kind of like looking around. They're like I think Daniel like grabbed a bottle. I'm like like off someone's table. I like jump down, like off the like railing. I'm like yeah, like let's get lit. And he literally looks me dead in the face and I will never forget this moment. He was like he's gone. I was like what? I was like who? I was like what's going on? What are you talking about? He was like Tristan. I was like what do you mean? And he was like he's gone and he was like he's dead. And then my friend that like grew up with him, like was right behind him and he was like I'm sorry. And I was like you're joking, right, like you're joking, like you're literally joking me, right, and I was like what the fuck? I was like no, that's literally impossible. I just texted him. We had plans tonight. Like it's literally impossible.

Siiickbrain: 1:09:59

So we walk out, and this was the last day of January. It was like midnight. I walk outside, I start fighting everyone. I'm like fighting people. Femme is like chasing after me. My other homie is chasing after me. I'm like fighting people. I'm like there's no fucking way. Everyone shut the fuck up. I'm like the bouncers are staring at me. I'm like screaming, kicking shit, breaking shit. I didn't even know that I had this in me, because I am not that type of a girl. I was like we're calling an Uber to his place right now. Call an Uber to his place. I'm like Daniel, get in the fucking car, let's go, he's fine, I'll prove it. Like let's go. We get into the car. We show up to the apartment.

Siiickbrain: 1:10:49

We like went to the wrong address at first because we were both like what the fuck is going on? I'm like calling everyone. I like call like my homie from Brooklyn. I'm like I don't know what's going on. I'm freaking out. I call my mom, freaking out. I'm like do I call his mom? I'm like I don't know what's going on. I shouldn't call his mom. Like I'm panicking. I don't know what to do. I'm like I'm freaking out. I like can't breathe. I'm just panicking.

Siiickbrain: 1:11:16

I'm like I'm calling people. I'm like calling people that I know we're up, my friends. I'm like I don't know who else to call because I would call Tristan, you know, and I show up there and there's cop cars and I'm like you're fucking kidding me and me and Daniel run like top speed to the elevator and we're like we get in the elevator and they're like who are you? And we're like both like at the same time. We're like, oh, we're his family, because that's like what it was. And we get up there, we walk to his apartment, they're like okay, they like didn't question us. We said we're family, we're like good, the way that his place was set up. It's like the apartment. And then like which? It was his homie spot. It wasn't his, because he was like couch surfing and there was a couch. You could see the back of his head and his hair like his floppy, and then there was like a cop in front of him just taking pictures with flash, like a bunch of pictures, and I'm like what the fuck I'm?

Austin Seltzer: 1:12:24

like this my whole life right here.

Siiickbrain: 1:12:27

Like this is my person, like this is the person that I always call. No matter what, daniel walks in, immediately turns around. He's like don't go in there. And I like tried to go in there and I swear to God, I've never felt something like this before. But I tried to walk through the door and I couldn't like it was like there was something, it was blocking me from going in there. And then we just left and it was like throwing up on the sidewalk. I was just like crying. I was like I don't know what to do.

Siiickbrain: 1:13:01

We like went to my house and like laid in my bed until the sun came up and it was like the weirdest thing ever. And then, yeah, it was just super weird. And then that's the moment when I was like unwell for weeks at a time. And then I think it was like a couple days later, my homie that I met that night. That was the last time that I like saw him. He was like do you want to do something? And I was like, honestly, bro, anything to get my mind off this, let's go record something. And that's when I made my first song.

Austin Seltzer: 1:13:37

So wow, thank you so much for sharing.

Siiickbrain: 1:13:42

I just like kept going.

Austin Seltzer: 1:13:44

Oh, thank you for sharing that. That, wow. It makes I understand how, if you didn't tell that story in that way, I don't think that me or anybody would understand the impact that he had on you. I have a couple small questions. One did he OD?

Siiickbrain: 1:14:08

Yeah, he ODed on fentanyl, but he was it wasn't laced, he was taking it on purpose because he was already like so used to doing heroin.

Siiickbrain: 1:14:18

and also he had, like, after he passed, the person that he was staying with told us like he had OD'd like probably three times between Thanksgiving and when he OD'd for the last time, like yeah, that wow, yeah, it's crazy and there were a bunch of weird things surrounding his death too, like it was obviously an OD and everything, but there were like weird things, like when I went with his mom to go pick up his stuff from like the corner or wherever you go to pick up, I think it's.

Siiickbrain: 1:14:58

I think it's the corner's office. I was wearing this necklace when I found out, like the night that he passed and it was a little silver angel from Dalmada, and whenever we picked up his stuff, they what they do like if you haven't like done that before, they like slide everything across and tell you what it is in like a super dramatic, like weird way. Why are you guys so dramatic? Just hand us the stuff like I'm trying to get the fuck out of here. They were like this rolled up dollar bill, that's what he had in his mouth. This, that's what he had in his pocket. This is his wallet, here's that, here's this. And they slid across the exact same necklace that I was wearing that night when he passed away Some brand Dalmada, like Angel.

Siiickbrain: 1:15:55

Wow and he.

Siiickbrain: 1:15:56

That was like the only necklace he had on weird right yes and so I feel like he's like kind of always like with me and like kind of like I always. I'm like, oh, I have like these unexplainable like things that happen to me now and I'm just like I don't know, like like I feel like I'm a spiritual person but like honestly, like the only thing that I can even like chalk shit up to is just like it's him. You know, when shit like weird happens, I'm like how come, like I had been listening to like this one artist and then they hit me up and like they want to do a song? Like it makes no sense. How come I've had like the amazing opportunities I've had since the beginning of 2020? No sense, bro, and I'm not like a tiktoker, I'm like just an artist and it's just so weird, yeah, but anyway, that's that.

Austin Seltzer: 1:17:00

So that's how I got into music yeah, you said that he's the one who who really opened the door for music, and you haven't explained that yet.

Siiickbrain: 1:17:10

I'd love to hear yeah, I mean my whole life. I like had had it in the back of my head. I had like visions, like in the back of my head that I was going to be like performing for crowds, you know, at like festivals and stuff, and I was like I could never do that. I'm scared to leave. Like I'm scared to see one person, let alone play for a crowd, let alone. I don't even think I'm a very good singer, but I can write because I've been writing since I was, since I started like being like a club promoter, like I just started writing all this shit down because like it was weird, like I was like why am I dealing with all this crazy shit? And like who am I going to tell? Yeah, so it literally was.

Siiickbrain: 1:17:56

The fact that he passed that literally grabbed my fucking face, shook me and was like this could be you tomorrow. You could literally die in a day. So why don't you do what the fuck you want? Because life is just simply too short. We don't know what's after this. Like we don't know if we're gonna have like our own fucking. We don't know if we're gonna be able to do what we really want after. Like we're not on this earth, so like we might as well fucking just do it. And so that's. I just didn't leave the studio, like I just kept going back yeah, because it was.

Siiickbrain: 1:18:40

It was removing you from the pain and right it was handle it somewhere right, and it was also just like screaming in my music, just like, was super cathartic and also like, well, the first song that I ever wrote was about him. I was still, to this day, just like, can write a million songs about us, you know, but yeah let's um.

Austin Seltzer: 1:19:08

We talked before sitting down about how be or Brent be, this. I guess the beauty school dropout guys are gonna come up a lot of my podcast yeah. I love them. I want to know how you met. Did you meet BSD, or was it so?

Siiickbrain: 1:19:28

I, I, I met BSD, um briefly through like I kind of knew Cole a little bit more through Bianca, the photographer that I lived with, um, she was really tight with them um. So I had met them like in passing and stuff and then, um, and I don't even know if they had music out at the time, but I met be on a modeling job for, like, we were like doing some shit together, um, and we just like hit it off and um, yeah, we ended up recording with me him in Diego, yeah.

Siiickbrain: 1:20:10

I think, that was like so I met him and then like the whole thing with Tristan passing happened and then he they were like some people that I got in with like at the very, very, very beginning yeah, be is the one that that I hit it off with as well.

Austin Seltzer: 1:20:29

I he's such a beautiful soul like dude is so fucking nice he's so nice, I love, I really love him um so I met him first and then I I met Bartow and Coley after, and yeah, it makes so much sense that on a modeling job, I'm guessing you had a buzzed head then.

Siiickbrain: 1:20:53

Yeah, we were like twinning. Yeah so funny.

Austin Seltzer: 1:20:57

That makes sense and then, okay, so at that time, well, he introduced you to Diego and I told you that. I went to the Blackbird Academy in 2015. I don't know what year he was he was before me but whenever I moved out here in 2016, I was connected to him and we haven't hung out all that much. But I love Diego. He's an awesome dude, and so your first recording session ever was with Diego.

Siiickbrain: 1:21:27

It was either with Diego or Austin. They were probably both within a three-day span.

Austin Seltzer: 1:21:34

So you recorded with Diego and I know you said the track didn't really go anywhere, but the feeling and the emotion of just being able to scream and get this emotion out. I'm guessing was a new type of drug.

Siiickbrain: 1:21:50

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 1:21:51

And just something that made you really you felt passionate about getting out these feelings, and I'm sure it was just an addictive thing that I finally have an outlet Right, and then I could just write about everything. Yeah.

Siiickbrain: 1:22:09

And yeah, and it's crazy, there were just so many things that I learned about music that I just had never known. And, to be honest, dude, it was so weird, like the timing of everything If it would have been a different time it wouldn't have done anything Like it was really interesting. It was like I made my first song beginning of February, put it out beginning of March on Tristan's birthday, and then didn't stop and, like COVID, hit in March.

Austin Seltzer: 1:22:43

Yeah, and what did you do during COVID?

Siiickbrain: 1:22:46

Record.

Austin Seltzer: 1:22:48

It was perfect.

Siiickbrain: 1:22:49

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 1:22:51

I think a lot of us, if we take a step back and think about it. Covid, while terrible in ways and I'm really sorry for the people who passed and the people that it really affected financially and whatnot.

Siiickbrain: 1:23:03

Me too.

Austin Seltzer: 1:23:05

Very tough. That way, I think, also one of the greatest possible things if you needed time to hone in a craft and put time into a specific thing, like music, takes years in years in years of time and effort and love and trial and error, but you could condense years down to months because we had so much time. So, just being able to get in record, put your feelings into something, learn the ins and outs of probably how like, if you're working with Diego, how to tell him what you want that's a whole new vocabulary.

Austin Seltzer: 1:23:46

But the cool thing is you've been so deep into music listening wise for so long that you have an ear. You didn't have to train that, you just had to learn, probably, how to-.

Siiickbrain: 1:23:57

How to like say Valorize what you wanted Exactly.

Austin Seltzer: 1:24:01

Yeah, it's a beautiful thing. Yeah, yeah, thank you so much for sharing all that Like. I'm still trying to absorb that. I've never had anything happen to me like that and so like I have never been in that position. But I can really understand by the way you told that story. You know how that shaped where you're at right now.

Siiickbrain: 1:24:27

Yeah, it's weird. I'm like I don't know. Thanks.

Austin Seltzer: 1:24:33

So I'm really curious with having so many tattoos. I wanna know kind of when that started and what like the impetus of getting your first tattoo was and continuing to get them. I don't want to assume, I want to ask, but I am guessing that they somehow have to do with pushing certain people away or certain. You want to look a certain way so that certain people, possibly from your childhood and those type of very conservative, judgmental people, are just kind of pushed out of your way.

Siiickbrain: 1:25:22

Maybe like subconsciously, I did that, but to be honest, I just like wanted a tattoo when I turned 18, I had like always wanted one and obviously at the time I had hair, and so I got it on the back of my neck. So my mom couldn't see it because she was not about that, and so I got my first tattoo on the back of my neck. It's little horseshoe giving farm, and I'll probably get it covered, honestly, soon. I've been like on this thing of like covering like tattoos. I don't know why, really, but I got that on my 18th birthday with my sister. She came with me, it was shaking, I was so scared and I got it and it was like immediately addicted.

Siiickbrain: 1:26:14

I was like, oh, that wasn't even bad and I like went back the next week and like got another one and then I just like kind of kept going, but I never like thought that I would end up looking like this. Like I think it kind of was accidental. But now I look like this and I'm like, oh cool, it's just like me, it's just like how I look. Yeah, I mean, I honestly just didn't put that much thought into it. I think a lot of the time I try and like make things I like, will create something in my head where I'm like trying to make it like some deep thing. But I'm wondering if maybe it's just like more of an in the moment thing. Like my legs mainly have just like tattoos that, like my friends have given me and they're my favorite ones because they're like moments that I've captured, like this one like my friend gave. Actually, that's not true. This one my friend like gave to me in my kitchen, like downtown and those watching she was pointing at her knuckles.

Siiickbrain: 1:27:21

Yeah, and like I have like a bunch on this arm that I gave myself just like at four am. Yeah, like this one was a stick and poke from a photo shoot. A hairstylist did it. I don't even know why the hairstylist was there, because I'm bald and I was bald at that time.

Siiickbrain: 1:27:44

But yeah, no, I just have like a bunch of just random tattoos that I got in the moment and I like to have them as more of like an in the moment thing. I like don't care if they're shitty. I just kind of am into black and gray. I had like a lot of color on my arm, but I just recently got it blacked out just cause I like the look of it. There was definitely a time where I was kind of like I think I'm pushing everyone away because of the way that I look.

Siiickbrain: 1:28:10

But now I'm kind of like damn, like, why'd I do that? And then, yeah, I think also something that I've found myself doing is I always want to be different. Like I spent so much of my life like trying to fit in. Like I said, like in high school I was like trying to do things, to try and make friends or something or be like other people. But now I'm like yuck, like I don't want to be like anyone else because I want to be my own person and I want to be an individual. And like I'll get kind of pissed off when, like people are like copying my tattoos or like doing something. Like there were like a couple of girlies who like shaved their heads and like got like a spider neck tattoo and like X's on their eyelids and I'm like damn, that's like very specific I'm like yucky.

Siiickbrain: 1:29:14

yeah, yeah, it's weird.

Austin Seltzer: 1:29:20

So I want to know the juxtaposition possibly of like what does your house look like?

Siiickbrain: 1:29:26

What does my house look like?

Austin Seltzer: 1:29:27

Yeah, what do so? This is your exterior. This is how you show yourself to the world, but I find, like the place that you live, as the yin and yang representation of somebody.

Siiickbrain: 1:29:40

That's so funny. So I just moved actually, but I was living in Laurel Canyon since 2018, I think, oh, wow, you're there for a while.

Austin Seltzer: 1:29:58

A lot that that place saw.

Siiickbrain: 1:30:00

A lot and I became really attached to that place because just a lot of stuff happened there. I grew a lot as an individual there. There were posters all over my walls like black bed frame, you know. I had like velvet bedding. It was like green. I had like a really cool like pink rug but it's not giving like like it was giving like vintage, like it was giving like very vintage rock and roll. Like in Laurel Canyon. I had like a bunch of stuff on the walls. It was really unique, like I had like a literal bird cage like hanging from my ceiling, like with a bondage Barbie inside.

Austin Seltzer: 1:30:51

Yes.

Siiickbrain: 1:30:52

Yeah, it was giving that, and a bunch of Polaroids too on the wall. I'm like trying to paint you a picture.

Austin Seltzer: 1:30:57

I love it, I can see it.

Siiickbrain: 1:30:59

Yeah, and a lot of books, a lot of records, stuff like that Just giving like Laurel Canyon rock and roll room, and so I moved out a couple of months ago. I needed a change. I wanted to live on my own because like I had had friends coming and going, like living in the other room, which was cool. But yeah, a couple of months ago I kind of realized I was kind of like living for I like have this like people pleaser thing inside of me but like I just always want to make sure everyone else is comfortable and happy, but at my own expense, and it was really starting to get at me Like I was really losing my sense of comfortability in my own home. I ended up moving to a cute little bougie high rise in Hollywood, which is weird because I was like I'm never moving down out of the canyon because I love it up there.

Austin Seltzer: 1:31:59

I really do, it's beautiful.

Siiickbrain: 1:32:00

But I just kind of wanted to be somewhere like really safe. So I have like a concierge doorman. It's a little space though, but it's all white. It's all white. It's a lot of different textures. Like I'm super about textures. Right now I have like a like stone table. I have like a bunch of like my bedding is made out of what's that like? It's linen bedding, neutral tones, a lot of plants, big view, 14th floor. It's giving something, but it's giving. Small but it's giving. I'm living here by myself and I need zen spa, cleansed vibe.

Siiickbrain: 1:32:51

It always smells like sage in there. I always have candles burning. If I have lights on, it's just this little warm orange lighting everywhere. That's like the same color of candles. I love that. It's all like wood. Like I kind of wanted to emulate like the one hotel a little bit, but anyway, that's my new place.

Austin Seltzer: 1:33:12

Yeah, I love that and that kind of makes sense. I don't know why.

Austin Seltzer: 1:33:18

It's mostly like your music, the way you look very edgy and like rough beauty and I figured that there's like some kind of juxtaposition of balance and your places is that. It sounds like it. The LA is chaos and you said that your mind at times is chaos and the place that you live brings you some zen. Okay, I want to move on to kind of the main point, I suppose, of the podcast, although all of this really is. But what does success mean to you?

Siiickbrain: 1:34:04

Right.

Austin Seltzer: 1:34:04

It's a very deep, thoughtful question.

Siiickbrain: 1:34:07

It's just to me has changed. I think when I was in the before time in the before time, like before, I really grew up and I'm telling you, the beginning of 2020 was a huge change in who I am as an individual. Before, I think success meant like the amount of money in your bank account and how comfortably you lived, but now success to me just means like literally as corny as it sounds, it literally means just like having done, or having access to do, the things that like really fulfill me as an individual. Like one of the things that I want in life is like just to have out an incredible body of work that I'm really proud of as me, not like, hey, what do you think of this song? I want your opinion Like mm-mm. Like what do I think of the song? Yeah, because I've had to like figure that out lately. And, yeah, I think success is literally just being proud of who you are as an individual.

Austin Seltzer: 1:35:45

The beginning part of your answer, I think, is my exact definition of success. It's if I have an idea or some avenue of creativity that I want to explore that I have the ability to do that. That is a financial thing. I need to know that if I want to start a coffee company, that I am able to do that. I have the resources. If that were some money needed, or if that's relationships or whatever, that I have the ability to creatively pursue something.

Austin Seltzer: 1:36:30

If I feel like that's too high and I can't really go for that thing right now. I need to step up to be able to go for that. Like I want to be able to creatively fulfill my dreams that pop up.

Siiickbrain: 1:36:45

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 1:36:46

And, yeah, I think that success the definition always changes. But I think throughout this talk we've kind of explored why I mean you are absolutely successful. You have set your mind to several different things rolled with so many different punches in life, and you just keep on moving forward and you keep on striving to create art. And I think throughout this podcast we've really explored why you are so special and why people should look at your art. And I'm certain that whenever you listen to your music, whenever you look at your posts like your modeling stuff where you are wearing these crazy extravagant, like alt pieces of clothing, like it's just like mind boggling how cool these pictures look, the artwork for all of your singles and music. I mean it's just like so well thought out. I think throughout this conversation people can understand that your story is just very special and you have used all these experiences, very tough experiences, and you've honed them into something that I think resonates profoundly. I genuinely feel that.

Siiickbrain: 1:38:20

Thank you.

Austin Seltzer: 1:38:22

Yeah, and I'm certain that if we did this a year from now, successful will look slightly different. I think that's the. Thing that always changes.

Siiickbrain: 1:38:31

I think so too yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 1:38:33

I don't think happiness does. I think that that's one part with everybody I've talked with. Success goes from a materialistic thing which is probably always there. I'm certain that you want to be well off financially and you want to have great friends and you want to be able to explore things creatively and this and that. But I think the one thing that always stays constant is the happiness aspect. You want to be doing things that make you happy.

Siiickbrain: 1:39:06

Yeah, absolutely. Sometimes I don't know what that is Like. I'm sure a lot of people feel that way. Like sometimes I'll be in my room and I'm like what do I even feel like doing, you know?

Austin Seltzer: 1:39:20

Yeah, it's weird. I think that's very human.

Siiickbrain: 1:39:23

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 1:39:25

We don't always know until we know.

Siiickbrain: 1:39:27

No, you're right.

Austin Seltzer: 1:39:28

There's a moment where something will hit you and you're like I have to do that.

Siiickbrain: 1:39:32

Yeah, absolutely.

Austin Seltzer: 1:39:34

That is what I have to do right now. Tattoos it's that feeling Like whenever you have that spark. I think, the ability to act on it right there. That's like. That's one of the best feelings I want to talk about this that you wrote there. Leave something for me. Yes. Slightly touched on it before. But why did you leave? Why did you write? Leave something for me.

Siiickbrain: 1:40:02

I wrote that because it's kind of like a reminder for me. But also I just had this conversation with my manager and he's also like one of my closest friends. He's wonderful, but we both struggle with like. This is just like a topic like super relevant in our lives right now. Like we just give so much to other people in terms of like making sure they're comfortable at our own expenses, or giving so much time, or like listening to someone going through something for so long that it's like but they didn't even listen to what I'm feeling or what I'm going through. They're not leaving a second for me. It's kind of like what it feels like. So it's a reminder to just like hold the universe and like myself like accountable for like what I need as an individual in order to be happy.

Austin Seltzer: 1:41:20

Yeah, I'm currently reading a book because my buddy Sai put me onto this. It's called Not Nice and I am learning so much from it. The whole point of this book is that we need to stop being nice. And what? Nice means in this book? Is this facade that we put on to make others feel good, or that's not the right way to say it? Nice is just a facade that we put on to not stir the waters like in your hometown.

Siiickbrain: 1:42:00

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 1:42:01

Nice is us just being agreeable or listening and nodding our head to something that we are not passionate about, we don't agree with, but we don't want to make somebody feel a certain way Totally different than kind. We should all be kind people, right, but nice is disingenuine. Yeah, like you were saying, not like you. Just taking so much of your time to make everybody feel good is expending so much of your energy and we really have to think about ourselves, because then we can bring the best version of ourselves to the table. And it's so difficult.

Siiickbrain: 1:42:45

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 1:42:46

Because I feel like the industry that we're in, or really any industry that's creative, we always feel like we shouldn't stir the waters or make somebody feel a certain way, oh yeah. Yeah, will I get the callback. Will I get on this tour. Will I get on this feature? Will I be able to mix the next single?

Siiickbrain: 1:43:04

You know it's like Right, but it's also, at the same time, something that I've realized, like lately is kind of like, if you feel like you can't open your mouth to like say like how you feel about something that may you know, get in the way of you doing something, or get in the way of you doing a feature, or get in the way of you going on tour with someone, it's like, bro, do you even want to be going on tour with them? Anyway, if you don't agree on such a level that you're afraid to like open your mouth, they're like. You know what I mean.

Austin Seltzer: 1:43:35

Yes, so what song of yours? I'm not trying to lead this. Actually. I really want to know what song of yours kind of like started the ball rolling downhill when you're. I mean you went on freaking tour with Bring Me the Horizon, so dope Love them, I've loved them forever. But we're just saying where your career is going. I mean we're just making a lot of music, going on tours, doing this and that. What is the song that really started the ball rolling?

Siiickbrain: 1:44:14

Probably. I mean, I feel like it's been kind of progressive throughout, just like me beginning music, but one that I feel like a lot of people kind of like know me for being a part of is this girl, swaley song. Yeah, yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 1:44:35

I mean certainly I personally. That's the first time that I heard you. Oh really. Yeah, yeah. So I want to know how that came about, like what were the things that happened before that track?

Siiickbrain: 1:44:50

And then, how did you link up with Skrillex and so I had literally this is so funny and I feel like people are going to hate me for this, but this is just one of those things that just literally happened and it happened literally, I think like a couple months after I even started recording music, Like Skrillex just hit me up and was like do I know you? Like what is up? You scream in music. That's cool, Because obviously he's from a very hardcore background. Yeah, he's like what's up with that? And he was like can we chat? And I'm like, yeah, we can chat. Like what is up?

Siiickbrain: 1:45:53

I was like confused. I was like is he trying to like get at me? But no, not at all. He was literally just like what is going on? Like you're doing something different and you're a girl artist? And he was like what do you want to come to the studio? And I'm like, yeah, honestly, sure, like fuck it, Like what do I have to lose? Got in a situation and I called like my homie who had like literally it was one of the only people that I had recorded with and I was like, should I go? Like what is tea here? Because obviously, like, given my history just in life, like okay, dude hits me up, he wants me to come to the studio. Okay, Like you know, Absolutely yeah.

Siiickbrain: 1:46:47

But literally no. Like I was so shook. He was like sweetest, nicest person ever. He was like I love your stuff, what's going on? And I'm like that's so crazy, I don't know what I'm doing. Like I have no idea what's going on. And he was like let's fuck around. Like you know, his homie heavy metal star like playing guitar. I was like, okay, I just like. There's a mic in the middle of a room. I'm like low key, shaking in my boots and, bro, I just like scream on a mic in the middle of the room. I don't even think I had headphones on. Like I think I just like started screaming this shit on this track and they were like fucking with it. We like hung out a little bit longer. I like bounced. He calls me like a few days later. He's like hey, I think like we're going to get this person on the track. I'm like for real, like this is actually going to be a real song. What's going on?

Austin Seltzer: 1:47:46

Did he say Swaley at that time?

Siiickbrain: 1:47:48

He said someone else and then he like called me like a week later and was like just kidding, Getting Swaley on it Like my God, that's crazy.

Siiickbrain: 1:47:57

Yeah, I can't and so he like like, come through, I want to play for you. I'm like, okay, he plays it for me. I'm like I should recut vocals, like in my head. I'm like I was so nervous I didn't know what I was doing. Obviously, like you know, we made the track like a year before it came out and like, or did it come out in? No, it came out in. Yeah, it came out in 2021. So we made it like a year before it came out.

Siiickbrain: 1:48:26

And so over time, I was like, fuck, like I'm in the studio all the time, by the way, like after I first go in, like not with him, just like in general. So I'm just like progressively, like figuring out like my vocal sound and like how I like to sound and like how I like to record. So I went and retract the vocals, like three times, and then he like he was just the one from the first day. I'm like that's crazy, cause there was. He was like there was an energy, you know, and I'm like period, do whatever you want. Seriously, like, do whatever you want, like that's so far.

Austin Seltzer: 1:48:59

And then he clearly knows, you know what the vibe of a record is supposed to be like.

Siiickbrain: 1:49:03

Yeah, so yeah, I mean, and then too bizarre happened. And then after that he was like, oh, I'm going to do another version for the album. I'm like, okay, it's crazy and it's funny because like I know I shouldn't do this, but like I like read the comments on that song, like I was kind of like ooh, scary, because obviously Swaley's audience not a lot of them have probably heard screaming before. Yeah.

Siiickbrain: 1:49:35

So it was like people either loved it or didn't. My part at least. I mean the rest of the song obviously is pristine, but yeah, it made me feel a little bit. I was like, oh, my. God, yeah, I've never.

Austin Seltzer: 1:49:50

I've never read a comment on that track, but I fucking love it and I really think that that juxtaposition Thanks. I mean, that track would not be what it is without that. I really think that you guys harness something cool and it's so funny. I've never met him, never met Sunny, but I have this like very weird, like hindered spirit feeling about him.

Siiickbrain: 1:50:14

Dude, he is just so sweet. He's just a little sweet angel. I don't know there's like something so special about him because he just loves art. He's given me the best advice in life and in music. He's just, he's just like bro, the industry is so saturated with like literally pieces of shit people and like it's just so rare to find like real people like him. And yeah, I don't know, I just love him.

Austin Seltzer: 1:50:53

Maybe that's why I feel that I have worked with so many people that are incredibly, not great people and my mandate legitimately is now. I just want to work with kind people who I'm friends with because there are so many talented, kind, awesome people. Why would you choose to work with people who don't make you feel great?

Siiickbrain: 1:51:17

Bro, it's so wack yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 1:51:20

But so easy to make that choice.

Siiickbrain: 1:51:22

Yeah sure.

Austin Seltzer: 1:51:23

You might say no to some things that turn out to be this or that, but honestly, whenever you listen to that track, you're going to feel that hurt or that pain or whatever you went through to get that thing out there. It's just not worth it.

Siiickbrain: 1:51:37

It's not.

Austin Seltzer: 1:51:38

So we've talked about all like your life, starting from the beginning till now what, what comes next for your artist project?

Siiickbrain: 1:51:51

Well, I am working on an album right now, finishing it up. I want to. I want it to start getting mixed and mastered in like a month or so, Actually yeah, in like a month or so. Yeah, so I'm working on an album. I have like a couple of songs coming out before then. I just have to figure out which ones I want them to be. I'm really excited about it. I think it's just going to be a me album. I think it's going to just be everything that I want it to be.

Austin Seltzer: 1:52:33

As you know what do you want it to be.

Siiickbrain: 1:52:37

I want it to just be super eclectic and experimental and I want it to be new sounding and I just want it to be very me like. I want it to sound very ethereal and have like some hard shit in there. I want to be fun. I want like a few ass shaking songs. Who doesn't?

Austin Seltzer: 1:53:03

love that.

Siiickbrain: 1:53:03

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 1:53:05

What are you going to say? As you know, I forgot. Sorry about that.

Siiickbrain: 1:53:11

No, it's okay, but yeah, I don't I don't know yet if I want to have any features on it. Because it's just so me and I feel like a lot of people know me, for I don't want to be a feature artist, I don't want to be really an extension of anyone else, because I'm just so. I'm just not that like I want to be known for being an individual artist and, yeah, I definitely want people to be a part of it, but I just want it to be what I want it to be, if that makes sense, like I want it to be really weird, yeah, and I want to love it.

Austin Seltzer: 1:54:11

I think always, at the end of the day, you could just like re-release the track with a feature.

Siiickbrain: 1:54:15

Absolutely.

Austin Seltzer: 1:54:16

But you have like this body of work that is just unapologetically you.

Siiickbrain: 1:54:21

Thank you. Yeah, I'm also planning on. Literally I like, I'm like cool, I have to finish this album, but I also already have like an EP for following the album like halfway done. I love that.

Siiickbrain: 1:54:33

And it's just going to be acoustic? Yeah, because I don't know, I love like the heavy production shit. But Writing has always been really close to my heart and I just want the lyrics and the vocals to really speak for themselves and I want to show people that I don't necessarily need to be a feature artist or production artist, I just want to be an artist. Yeah, so I'll put out a little cry album, little cry acoustic or EP, rather Probably in the fall, yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 1:55:14

Yeah, that's going to show a cool side of you. I can't wait.

Siiickbrain: 1:55:16

Oh yeah, I like already have a lot of the songs done. It could be done honestly now if I wanted it to be Some of what? Like it's all pretty much like voicemail motion, but I mean it'll do what it what it does. I mean right now I'm like an independent artist and, like I said, like the most important thing To me is just to feel good about the work that I put out. I've had some experiences with labels wanting me to sign and become something that I'm not. I will never be a sell out refuse. I would rather have 10 monthly listeners and be broke and find my money other ways than to be a sell out artist. Yeah, if I ever do that, someone slap me you heard that.

Siiickbrain: 1:56:14

Yeah, literally.

Austin Seltzer: 1:56:15

But I don't think that you could be. I just from the little I know you, which now I feel like I know you so much more deeply. I can tell that that's just not in the fabric of who you are.

Siiickbrain: 1:56:28

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 1:56:29

You have too much of an authentic story to put into a box.

Siiickbrain: 1:56:32

Thanks. There have been moments when I've been like, shit, I need a bag, let me just sell out really quick. But it's like once you sell out, you can never go back.

Austin Seltzer: 1:56:41

But also there's a bag waiting for the person who sticks to their vision.

Siiickbrain: 1:56:46

Right and also like I don't know. I'm just in a place where I'm like whatever dude, like I'm not going anywhere, like I'm not like honestly dude if I'm scraping by and like living on someone's couch like I'm sorry, but I'm still just like as long as I can get by, I just don't want to, I'm just not interested in like making some song that's going to eat me alive, you know.

Austin Seltzer: 1:57:18

Yeah, you'll play it at every single tour date and every single time that you play it, you will just lose it.

Siiickbrain: 1:57:26

And it's like the whole point of me being in this career in the first place was literally just doing what I want, like why would I suddenly do what I don't want? Or like also another point of me being in this career and like being an artist in general is like to save my life. You know what I mean. Yeah. So why would I do that?

Austin Seltzer: 1:57:50

Yeah.

Siiickbrain: 1:57:51

How can you?

Austin Seltzer: 1:57:51

channel a real raw emotion. Right what puts you into this.

Siiickbrain: 1:57:55

Right.

Austin Seltzer: 1:57:55

If you know that it's being disingenuous.

Siiickbrain: 1:57:57

Right, it's like it's saved my life once, like, what would I do? Like it almost seems like a disservice to like the opportunity that I've had thus far to like do some wax cell out shit, you know. Yeah.

Siiickbrain: 1:58:14

Also, I just feel like there's like this really sad message being sent to like the youth who are like going to shape the world, you know, after we're gone, and like, honestly, it just sucks because like there's this weird wave of like artists being manufactured right now that you know we're sending their own message to the youth and like they're lying and being like I made this song because of X, y and Z and it's like bitch, no offense, no offense, but like no, you didn't. Like you literally were handed a career because of the internet and like you're not a real artist, so stop acting. Like it Like it's really sad to see like kids looking up to that. Yeah.

Siiickbrain: 1:59:09

Yeah, because it's like art can really save lives. But that type of manufactured shit where it's like, where it's like a career is handed and manufactured, bro, those people are not happy, I know them. They're not happy. But like the people that are happier, the ones that are like doing what they want and like creating real art, because then it's like, do you know the satisfaction that it can give you when you create something that you genuinely love and someone can you know it can resonate with someone? It's just crazy. It just goes so much longer, it just goes like further. It's just better. It's like we need more of that. And it's really sad too that like society is absorbing all the manufactured shit and like kind of giving it more power right now, like when there's so much good real art out there. Yeah, yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 2:00:17

I really hope that people listening and watching understand that.

Siiickbrain: 2:00:21

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 2:00:21

People that are off on this journey, maybe right at the beginning, and they're faced with this, like they're not getting instant feedback, with tons of listens or views or this or that, and there's this fork in the road where they can decide to be disingenuous to what they really feel connected to yeah.

Siiickbrain: 2:00:45

And bro, it's like people in the industry can tell, like, if you're being like fame hungry or money hungry or whatever, and you're just like, oh, like, I'm gonna make this pop song like or whatever, versus like I'm gonna make something that I like, and because it's something I like, I know that at least one person will also like it. Yeah, you know.

Austin Seltzer: 2:01:13

I don't know. I think you're spot on with that. Okay, so I have to know, and I'm sure that I'm not the only one that wants to know this. But, dude, your skin always looks like so ridiculously good and, as someone who wishes his skin looked better, like I really take care of it.

Siiickbrain: 2:01:34

Your skin looks so good. You're like glowing oh thank you, it's giving.

Austin Seltzer: 2:01:39

I feel like I could do better, but I try. But I have to ask since your skin looks so damn good always, how can the rest of us, just mere mortals, figure this out?

Siiickbrain: 2:01:54

Mere mortals. I think the most important thing, honestly, is like obviously people hear it time and time again, but it's like hydration, but not only just drinking a lot of water, because, like I know, I'm like I need to drink more water, but even just like hydrating your skin from the outside is really important, but with like good ingredients, like clean ingredients, without a bunch of additives, is really important. Getting enough sleep, treating yourself with like love and like your skin, because it's the biggest organ on your body, like biggest organ that is a part of your body, it's the only organ arguably on your body. But yeah, I mean, I think also like in terms of like using makeup and stuff, skin is like the most important because I mean, as long as you have a good base, everything else is just kind of like you know extra. But I mean, no matter what type of skin you have, there's always ways to like accentuate and like bring like the best out in what you're working with and like ways to make you look and feel your best.

Siiickbrain: 2:03:20

Yeah, but yeah, I would just say good, clean ingredients, no toxic stuff, no show with additives. Yeah, sleeping enough and like taking time for yourself yeah, it's the most important. Yeah, I also love icing my face.

Austin Seltzer: 2:03:43

Icing. Yeah, tell me about this.

Siiickbrain: 2:03:45

I have these like cooling globes that I like put on my face like go upward, like brings any like inflammation down.

Austin Seltzer: 2:03:54

That's cool.

Siiickbrain: 2:03:55

Yeah, that's like my favorite thing to do.

Austin Seltzer: 2:03:57

Okay, I'm gonna have to figure out about that.

Siiickbrain: 2:03:58

I'll send you a link, yeah, I gotta understand that.

Austin Seltzer: 2:04:03

So obviously you're very into makeup. I mean, that's like part of the fabric of who you are We've talked about, and like just being a person who I can tell is not gonna be satisfied in one category. I mean you want to keep on creating different things.

Siiickbrain: 2:04:20

Oh yeah, I wanna be in like, I wanna like explore, like multimedia art as well.

Austin Seltzer: 2:04:26

That would be really cool. Do you have any interest in getting into the world of either skincare or makeup or something like that?

Siiickbrain: 2:04:34

Yeah, I mean, as I've gotten older, I definitely like love skincare like a little bit more, because I've just I don't know, I just love like the ritual of it and yeah, I love skincare. I also like wanna get involved in film and TV stuff.

Austin Seltzer: 2:05:03

I could totally see that.

Siiickbrain: 2:05:04

Anyway, yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 2:05:07

You're gonna have so many buckets.

Siiickbrain: 2:05:08

Yeah, there's a lot of things going on.

Austin Seltzer: 2:05:10

Yeah, and I think, as one of the pedestals or the one of the crafts that you're building either, music modeling, whatever it may be, raises, I think that all of the other tides that you wanna explore will also have a place, like you always see like music artists who get large and then they wanna go into acting or they wanna go into brand development.

Siiickbrain: 2:05:42

And it just kind of builds everything.

Austin Seltzer: 2:05:44

Yeah, I mean, there's no doubt that's gonna happen.

Siiickbrain: 2:05:45

Yeah, I mean, I think it'll just be fun and it's like, like I said, like before, like life is so short Like I wanna do all of it.

Austin Seltzer: 2:05:57

I love that.

Siiickbrain: 2:05:58

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 2:05:58

I can't wait to see that. Thanks, so I just super thrilled that you came on this podcast.

Siiickbrain: 2:06:06

Thank you so much for talking with me. Me too. Thanks for having me. Thanks for opening up, Thanks for having me. Hello, can I speak English?

Austin Seltzer: 2:06:12

Yeah, thanks for opening up about so many deep things. I think everybody has learned so much more about you and what goes into the fabric of your life, your creativity, your art. I feel like knowing all of this stuff just makes everything that you do just so much more beautiful, cause you can see all of the love and care and difficult things that you've gone through that have created this world of yours, thank you, thanks for having me.

Austin Seltzer: 2:06:51

All right. So now that you've listened to this episode, I know at times this was very beautiful and very dark and challenging and optimistic. I mean, it had everything in it and I'm so thankful that Sick Brain opened up and allowed that conversation to happen. There's so many beautiful topics that were in there and, through the struggles that she's dealt with, somehow she has managed to channel that into art. That's very authentic. I mean check socials and wherever. I mean. She's just like pouring out art all the time. It's very unique and authentic and I hope that you enjoyed listening to this podcast.

Austin Seltzer: 2:07:39

A couple of the key takeaways among so many but I'll highlight the few that I just thought were very outstanding was her outlier undoubtedly is the time alone at home. Whenever she wouldn't leave the house. She was using her time to listen to music all the time and do makeup. She became incredibly good at doing makeup of all styles and through our conversation you can tell that that translated into professional jobs and other cities. It led her to New York, it led her to LA and having put in her 10,000 hours at such a young age just allowed her to become so good, so young and at a time when she just wanted to get out. She just wanted to go do things that weren't in North Carolina, and this actually allowed her a vehicle to do that. So really the takeaway for me is that the younger you can put in the hours into a craft, the better. But if you're listening to this right now and you're in your 30s, your 40s, your 50s, wherever you're at, it's really just about blocking out time to be able to do a thing that you're passionate about and through that time you'll get better and better and better at a craft and then just utilize it as soon as you can. I think as soon as Caroline could get out, she did and she went and did makeup and it got her out of North Carolina.

Austin Seltzer: 2:09:16

The next huge point about sick brain success is the tragic death of her friend. Tristan was kind of like a rock for her here in LA and through the tragic loss of him Caroline had like an authentic message of anger and sadness but beauty and love for somebody who'd passed on. That she was able to put down on paper and lyrics and in music she was able to scream and let her feelings out and through that she made like purely authentic music and you hear through this podcast that she just wants to be true to herself and her art because that's where it started and it's. I think it's really cool to hear from somebody who is just so purely indie. She knows exactly what she wants and she doesn't want a major label or anything to help her out and I mentioned in this podcast that's not the only way to go about music, but I love that. It's authentically her and that's what I'd like to highlight from this episode is that she came from a very authentic space. I keep on saying that, but I know so many artists, so many artists, and a lot of them wish that they could just be purely authentic, and Carolina is a splitting image of that. Hold yourself accountable for what you need to do in life to make you feel happy and fulfilled. I thought that that was a really cool line that she said and that it really goes with the last point. It's just like being as authentic as possible because it's going to attract people to you that resonate with that authenticity Somebody like Skrillex, of course. I mean he hit her up and wanted to have her in the studio only months after she started making music because you could tell that she's so authentically her that it brought him to her. And so if there's anything to take away from this episode is just figure out who you are and it's be as authentic to that as you can be. That might be the indie mindset, like Sick Brain has, or that might be somebody who wants to be just very straight ahead pop. You want to sell as many records as possible. You want to play a stadium. You want to have a song on the radio. Just be very authentic to that vision and that's going to take you as far as possible.

Austin Seltzer: 2:11:50

Thanks for listening to the Grounds for Success podcast. I want to thank all of the people who work on this podcast and help me out. My team is everything to me, and without them I couldn't bring these to you every single week. I couldn't post on social media, you know, with all the clips that we have, and so I thank you guys so much. I want to also thank all of my clients on the mixing and mastering side, because without you, I could not have Grounds for Success. So thank you so much. If you're enjoying the Grounds for Success podcast, please follow, like and subscribe on whichever platform you're listening or watching on. It helps us out a ton and I want to keep getting this content to you, in whichever way you listen or watch.