Niki DeMar: Ruining Your Life, Independence From Gabi, Finding Fulfillment, and Queer Identity

On this Grounds For Success Podcast, Niki DeMar, a veteran content creator on YouTube and music artist, and I talk about ruining our lives, as well as so many other great topics. Join us, as we travel through her personal journey, shedding light on how the evolution of her priorities shaped her career trajectories. I discover how Niki’s childhood, punctuated by the freedom to create, influenced her identity and her unique brand. We also dive into the repercussions of evolving a hobby into a job, inviting you into our candid conversations about the significance of self-check-ins and personal growth. We also talk about her new EP, "RUINED MY LIFE", and how "ruining your life" is an expression of breaking out of your every day cycle to explore a new version of yourself.

Ever wondered how one navigates the tricky terrains of public scrutiny and criticism? Niki opens up about her experiences with negative press, and how she’s learned to handle it with grace. We also explore the less talked about side of success – the loneliness and the misconceptions surrounding fame. Niki bravely shares her journey of self-discovery, shedding light on her queer identity and her ongoing battle with internalized homophobia.

As we near the end of our chat, we touch on embracing failure and its correlation with self-empowerment. Niki and I dive into the importance of setting boundaries and finding happiness amid chaos. We share our thoughts on the future of queerness, the awkwardness surrounding the act of "coming out" (which is an outdated term that should be gotten rid of) and how boundaries play a crucial role in self-care.

ALSO, this happens to be the first podcast I ever filmed. Such a great conversation for my very first taping. I hope you love it as much as I do.

WATCH ON YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wk3iDFSr0LQ

SUPPORT THE SHOW: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2199346/supporters/new

GROUNDS FOR SUCCESS LINKS
All Links Here: https://linktr.ee/groundsforsuccess

AUSTIN SELTZER LINKS
All Links Here: https://linktr.ee/Austinseltzer

NIKI DEMAR LINKS
YouTube:  @nikidemar 
Snapchat: @NIKIDEMARRR
Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/nikidemar
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/nikidemar
Tumblr: http://www.nikidemar.tumblr.com

Transcript

Austin Seltzer: 0:01

Welcome to the Grounds for Success podcast. I'm your host, austin Siltzer. Together, we'll unveil the keys to success in the music industry. Join me as I explore my guest's life stories and experiences to uncover practical insights to help you align with your goals more effectively. Hey coffee drinkers, welcome to the Grounds for Success podcast. Please like, follow and subscribe for more content from this channel. I'd love to be able to get it to you in the best way possible.

Austin Seltzer: 0:33

On today's episode we have Nikki Damar. I cannot wait for you to listen or watch this episode. Nikki has been creating content for YouTube for the first time in a while. This happens to be my very first podcast that we filmed. You will just see how much of a professional she is, how long she's been doing this and at a very, very high level. It's very apparent from the footage and from our talk. I can't wait for you to see what a pro content creator looks like.

Austin Seltzer: 1:09

In this episode, we will be talking about the content that we filmed. In this episode, we will obviously talk about her 13 years of content creation from YouTube and different blogs with her and her sister, gabby, but we will also talk about so many other things, like her album that's going to drop this week on Friday, depending on whenever you're listening. It's called Rune to my Life and I got to mix and master the whole album for her. I really, really love this rock grunge era of her music. I'm sure you will too. We also talk about what a mix engineer can bring to a project. It's sometimes a miscellaneous thing for some artists or people who are starting out in music or just haven't worked with a mixer before. We'll talk a little bit about what I do and I'm sure in future episodes we'll talk more deeply about the mixing process. But we also talk about how she's moving her career to be more independent from her sister and just create her own lane, her own sound, her own look. That's a fun thing to dive into.

Austin Seltzer: 2:21

Lastly, a big thing is we'll talk about how to navigate bad press. Whenever you step into the spotlight, no matter what people are going to say things. I thought that would be interesting for me to ask because I want this podcast to become a big thing and touch a lot of lives. I know that there will be times when some people say some things that are negative towards me or there's quote, unquote bad press. I wanted to figure out how to navigate it, and I thought that maybe that would help some view out there as well. All right, let's get caffeinated. All right, nikki DeMar.

Niki DeMar: 3:02

Hello, this is such a cool set Guys. I wish you could be here in person. It's like an experience. It's like haunted house meets mid-century modern meets gothic, but also kind of like the friend's apartment, I don't know. It's like cozy coffee shop coolness.

Austin Seltzer: 3:20

I don't think there's any way that I could have said that better. If I were to put down what I wanted this to be, that would have been it, but I've never been able to find those words.

Niki DeMar: 3:29

So you really did it, because the vibe is very clear.

Austin Seltzer: 3:32

That's so awesome.

Niki DeMar: 3:33

Yes, we love it here.

Austin Seltzer: 3:35

Heck. Yeah. The other thing is coffee. So we're going to have a great conversation about wherever the caffeine takes us and hopefully deep places and places of success, but places of total trial and failing to figuring out the right things in that direction, but kind of all centered around coffee. So something I'm super passionate about.

Niki DeMar: 4:00

And any of my iconics watching this know how on brand that is. For me, all I used to vlog about was coffee. I'm a Duncan girl, east Coast girl, so I love my Duncan and I still love my Duncan. But yeah, I want to see this coffee that Austin recommended to me it's favorite coffee that he made me and he asked specifically what I wanted and I said ice coffee, because you guys know I don't drink hot coffee. I went viral for having a meltdown over being served hot coffee and not ice coffee.

Austin Seltzer: 4:33

We're not really proud of it, but I mean, I'm going to be honest, like vice versa. For me I might have a little hissy fit if you get it. If I got an iced coffee I'd be like, oh my God. But then I told you I like chomping ice, so yeah that was confusing.

Niki DeMar: 4:47

He's like yeah, I'm an ice chomper. I'm like so you like iced coffee? Is like no, I'm a hot coffee person. Okay, got it, but I'm like a coffee and an ice chomper person in one, so well it's going to be perfect.

Austin Seltzer: 4:57

So basically, I had made cold brew overnight and then just whipped up some creamer and nice mugs yes, my little makeshift mugs, because I wanted to make sure that that we had something branded for the podcast.

Niki DeMar: 5:13

This is so cool. You know, I have black mugs in my house too.

Austin Seltzer: 5:17

That's the only way to go.

Niki DeMar: 5:18

Yeah, should I try it.

Austin Seltzer: 5:19

Well, of course. Okay, cheers, and I just made the same, but hot.

Niki DeMar: 5:23

Oh my God, this looks really good, oh my God.

Austin Seltzer: 5:31

Is it actually good?

Niki DeMar: 5:32

Yes, I'm a coffee girl and for how basic I've been drinking my coffees lately, we'll get into that. I actually have some like health changes in my life but I have to be a very, very simple, bland diet and my coffees aren't as fun as they used to be. And when I told Austin it has to be black or have like a dairy free creamer, low sugar content, he was like got it.

Austin Seltzer: 5:57

And.

Niki DeMar: 5:57

I was worried how it was going to taste, because this is fairly new having this diet and wow, this is really good.

Austin Seltzer: 6:05

Heck, yeah, yeah, and I think, if you like, stir it and all, you can get all the yumminess down in there. Yeah, ooh.

Niki DeMar: 6:16

I could tell like some heart was put into this cup, which means a lot.

Austin Seltzer: 6:21

It was, and I try to do that with every cup.

Niki DeMar: 6:24

You know, some just have maybe not more love, but more, it's just better, you know this conversation is about to get so good because when I have coffee, like, I'm very like. I'm a small person, so coffee goes through me very quick, if you know what I'm saying.

Austin Seltzer: 6:41

The best part is like, for everybody who's watching this my bathroom's upstairs. Oh, great Through a couple of locked doors, so it's going to be fun.

Niki DeMar: 6:50

Oh great when the coffee hits. But until that happens I get very like, very like talkative chatty and I feel the coffee high very easily.

Austin Seltzer: 7:01

Okay, so we have to tie this out here.

Niki DeMar: 7:04

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 7:05

Well, what is a? What is a normal day today? Look like for you.

Niki DeMar: 7:12

I could have answered that very well during quarantine, but right now, what a normal day in my life looks like I almost don't have one. I have two different normal days, when I'm in LA and when I'm in Pennsylvania. And for those that, like, don't know and aren't familiar with me, I run a YouTube channel with my twin sister in Pennsylvania. I have for like a decade, and LA has been something that has always been calling me back to it. I'll come here. I've lived here. I moved home.

Niki DeMar: 7:46

Now I feel like the universe is like pulling me back and my normal day in Pennsylvania is very simple. There's not a lot to do there, so it's very work, focused, very content heavy and a lot of working out. It's just work, working, working out and working. And then in LA it's very I don't. I actually feel like I go off my routine. That grounds me when I'm out here, because I don't belong to a gym. I don't know any neighborhoods to work out or walk in, but I do have a very big social life here. So every time I'm here I'm working on music or with friends and I don't have a normal day here yet. But my normal day at home is like it starts with a walk and I have to eat three meals a day and it's very structured and I have to go to bed early because if I sleep in I hate myself. It's very structured at home and then here we just kind of like peace out a little bit.

Austin Seltzer: 8:48

We're already getting into what makes you successful, to be honest, like that is the point of this podcast, but we'll get there. Grounds for success, grounds for success, but like a routine. I think if you find successful people, generally there's a routine. Even if that looks like total chaos, it's probably routine chaos. So you know we'll get in there.

Niki DeMar: 9:09

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 9:10

But yeah, I mean, la has so many interesting things to do to see people, to be around. The hustle energy here is no joke, like people always talk about that, but every single time that I go away from LA it could be to see my family to take a trip to vacation which always ends up being work, you know. But you come back to LA and you're like, damn, there's just something about the atmosphere here. You can go to a coffee shop, you could go to lunch, you could go to wherever, and you just feel it the people around you are bubbling with potential. Or you know just this creative energy or drive that I don't find other places. So I can totally see how, if you don't live here full time, that could throw me out of whack. Yeah.

Niki DeMar: 10:05

Like I actually feel like from a content creator perspective, it's actually works against what I'm supposed to do, like that kind of energy. But then as I'm getting older, I want to get more business savvy and that does exist here. So it's a constant confusion. It's like when I'm back at home there really is nothing to do, but there's the seasons change in Pennsylvania, my family's there, that's where my roots, like that's I go back to my roots, like that's where it all started. I'm very inspired there. So I make a lot of content and a lot of the content I make there does very well.

Niki DeMar: 10:43

But then when I come to LA, I almost feel like people don't think it's relatable like my viewers and I've constantly struggled with that my views for some reason, my entire career the views haven't been in LA, They've been in Pennsylvania for me, which is really weird Because I haven't seen that for really other creators. So I don't know why it's different like that for me. I really think I have a very strong East Coast fan base. That's the only thing that I think could be the reason why that happens. Also, I feel like when I'm out here, because I have such a social life and because music's out here and that's really what all I want to do all day.

Niki DeMar: 11:24

Every day, I feel like I am so not focused on making content. I'm just making music, partying with my friends, or I'm at a lot of business lunches and dinners and networking, and then all of a sudden I'm like, wow, I haven't filmed a YouTube video in two weeks. Or wow, I haven't posted on TikTok in two weeks, and that freaks me out. So it's like as a content creator I almost think a content creator with ADHD it's good to strip away my distractions and be in Pennsylvania and almost put myself in a prison, Because when I'm challenged, I get creative, and then when I'm in the hot spot of things, I struggle a little bit because I want to do everything. So my life, I mean, this is just the start of the conversation. We're going to get more into it, but it's very weird, like the way it's set up.

Austin Seltzer: 12:16

Yeah, no doubt, as a content creator, I could see you know that would be very difficult to continue going on whenever you're thrown out of your routine, but also from like a let's call it a life creator or just like an art creator perspective. If you're not doing something like you do in LA, you know, throw your life into a little bit of chaos. Let's call it like you know. Chaos means just not a routine. So you're out with friends, you're partying or you're, you know, just meeting people. You're doing things that are not regular in Pennsylvania. That's how you can create art, because if it's always routine and always the same one, the art may always be the same, but at some point there won't be art you. You just won't be able to create because you don't have new inspiration.

Niki DeMar: 13:07

And I'm about to turn 28 next month and I think that's like my goal of being 28 is like create something. No matter where you live or no matter what trip you're on, you stay grounded in yourself. Wow, yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 13:20

Yeah, I love that. That resonates so hard with me because I always eat at the same time each day. This could be like looked at as a little bit crazy, but I don't know. I love routine because the way that I think of routine is like a bowling alley. Whenever you put those bumpers up on the bowling alley, that's the routine, so that you can be free to do creatively whatever happens in between those bumpers. So I generally like to go to sleep around 9, 30 to 10, maybe 10 30. I know that's kind of early, but then I wake up early and I really feel recharged. My body and my circadian rhythm wants me to go to sleep early and wake up early. I just feel better that way and I eat at the same time each day roughly.

Niki DeMar: 14:09

I do have a question for you, though, because I know you're creative. If you guys don't know, austin mixes my music and you are so honest to God, like, so talented, like you take a song, usually mixing is just like I used to think as an artist was just finalizing things, but you actually evolve it and you make it all cohesive, but you evolve the songs. It's like you're a different type of producer. I didn't realize that when I started, and I get so creative at nighttime and I'm a video editor. I edit a lot of my music videos and that's literally where I see myself. I see myself being an artist, but also making content for other artists, while still doing social media.

Niki DeMar: 14:58

But I worry about, you know, with getting in this routine, I've noticed I don't have my creative night hour and that's something I'm worried about giving up, and I feel much more stable. I feel more like an adult, I feel energized, I feel excited to do the boring things which, as an ADHD person, that's all you could ask for without being medicated. But I'm scared of not having my nights alone, like the EP, like I sometimes at like five in the morning. If I stay up till five in the morning editing, I not only edit fast, but it's an incredible edit and I couldn't have done that during the day and that scares me a little bit. So I'm wondering my question for you. I have a question for you, I love that.

Niki DeMar: 15:43

Did you ever experience what I'm talking about, where, like, you're hyper focused on what you're passionate about at nighttime and you almost became, you almost got your nights and days messed up and you're like during the day you're not inspired, but at night you work so hard and it's amazing. And if so, if you did experience that, how do you get that going during normal day hours? Because my brain doesn't seem to work like that.

Austin Seltzer: 16:08

Well, I mean thank you for asking me a question and actually like a really great one. So I find that it takes way more focus and way more like alertness to mix and master than to create creating. I really do think that harnessing that nighttime deliriousness, whatever it is, and then for me during the day, if I wake up early, I can just go in the studio and I mean you, walk through the studio. It's pretty dark.

Niki DeMar: 16:37

It feels like that it feels like night maybe I need to create a space like that.

Austin Seltzer: 16:42

Yeah, I think that subconsciously I created a space that channels nighttime.

Niki DeMar: 16:46

That's a genius idea.

Austin Seltzer: 16:47

I don't, but I can't take credit because it just happened. I Just, it just was what my mind wanted even a space like this.

Niki DeMar: 16:55

This is kind of like what my old apartment used to look like. I was just telling Austin guys like this is very Much giving, like I said, like the friend's apartment with black walls and Like coffee shop vibes and my old apartment. The theme was coffee shop. I have a whole video. I'm gonna have to show it to you and we're gonna be best friends. We are like, we're literally so compatible, like, even interior design, like and also music wise, and I'm like okay are we like best friends.

Niki DeMar: 17:23

That's awesome which this is a great way to segue into what we were talking about when I first got here, which was getting older and, like your definition of career and success and and happiness completely changing, and that the reason this conversation was even being had with my one friend was because I've been asking myself a lot this year If I want to even stay doing this like social media. Now, the only like I love social media. I'm like almost addicted to it. I love posting most.

Niki DeMar: 17:56

I'm very addicted. I can't get off my phone. I love talking to these guys. They're literally my besties. I love vlogging.

Niki DeMar: 18:04

It's almost like I'm no, it's not, almost I am getting paid to do my hobby, which what more can someone ask for? However, there is a dark side to that, and Once your hobby becomes the way you put food on your table, it almost doesn't because like, stay a hobby anymore and I almost want I'm curious that, like the older I get, if I can have Something maybe I'm not so in love with, to put food on my table, and then I get to do this for fun, then I would love my content better and I would take away that stress of having to. Like you know, if I want to pay my mortgage and eat dinner, do I really have to put my face out there and exploit my personal life? Because I have to exist somehow, and that's something that you know I'm in my late 20s, I'm entering my late 20s.

Niki DeMar: 18:56

I went from 27 to I'm going could literally gonna be 28 next month. I have no anxiety about getting older, which I used to have so much anxiety about, because I feel like, look if my 20 year old self could look at my 28 year old self. Would she be disappointed or let down in some ways? Absolutely, but I'm not here for that like that's. I Don't care what other people or my past self hold on and we're back.

Niki DeMar: 19:24

So what's really interesting is like it sounds depressing to say that if my 20 year old self saw my 28 year old self, she would be let down in some ways. Like that sounds depressing, right, but I'm actually like happy, and I think that's because what mean, like the purpose of life and what means the most to me has completely changed. And 20 almost 28 year old Nikki is happy. 20 year old Nikki Value different things and that's all that is. It's not that I'm not living my dreams or that I'm not meeting the standards I set for myself when I was that age. It's that if I followed the path of what 20 year old Nikki wanted, 28 year old Nikki would not be happy at all. And I think that's interesting and I think that's why I'm starting to have these conversations, because it's like it does nothing means failure. It's pivoting and I think in life, like you're supposed to pivot, pivot, pivot like you're. So you're always evolving. You're always and I think quarantine taught me that like you're allowed to Pause and live a slow life. If that's what you need to do for a bit, you don't need to join hustle culture and be a girl boss. You also don't need to live in a specific place. You can constantly just reflect and ask you, constantly check in and figure out what this version of yourself wants and needs. And it's always changing.

Niki DeMar: 20:49

And you know, I've been growing up online and I feel like the people that have been watching me for a long time are like Nikki You're never happy. You lived in PA, then you moved to LA and you didn't like it there and then you moved back and now you want to move back to LA Because you're not happy there. Nothing's ever gonna make you happy and it's not that nothing's ever gonna make me happy. It's that my idea of happiness is always evolving and I'm just trying to flow with it.

Niki DeMar: 21:13

And I am fortunate enough to have a job, to where it pays good enough, to where I can have the ability to check in and evolve my life, and I'm very aware that a lot of people don't have that luxury of being able to, you know, choose. I want to live a little bit of a slower life. I want to live here, I want to live there and that's when I really feel lucky that my 20 year old self hustled her ass off I didn't realize by like dropping out of college and Skipping out on the partying years of my life, that I was building something that would sustain me through my all of my 20s. That's incredible. But you know, I've been asking myself like what? If it's not asking myself, I almost feel like I have this intuition where it's like I'm always gonna be online because I love it, but I don't know if I want that to be my only thing anymore.

Austin Seltzer: 22:04

Yeah, yeah, I totally get that. I think that for the people listening, I mean I had I resonate with what you're saying so much, like it actually is. What you're describing is much of what I've gone through. I have pivoted so many times and there's a friend's joke in there about pivoting.

Niki DeMar: 22:27

We're back to. Yeah, exactly we're back to friends.

Austin Seltzer: 22:29

But with all of those pivots I Stayed the course, which was I, I love music. I love it to its core, like my core being if I have a hangover or If I am having a terrible day or whatever, whatever the case is, that's not optimal. If I play some music I love, I immediately feel better. That is my drug I music, I love it. And Through all these different pivots you know they've all been a different Angle of music. It's always been music and the thing that I wanted to tell the people who are fans of yours, who Maybe don't understand you going back and forth between coasts.

Niki DeMar: 23:19

Yeah, it's like you can have live in scarcity mode or you can live in, enjoy the fruits of your labor. It's like Scarcity mode. I understand, like sometimes people maybe were raised with parents that were Maybe struggling or they were like we need to save, save, save, almost like preparing for the worst. Or there's other people where it's like how much are we gonna give into capitalism and how much are we gonna actually really enjoy our life? And it's like finding the balance between that has been hard, because I feel like I have so many different kinds of perspectives being raised by dentists.

Niki DeMar: 24:01

I Feel like I kind of not that I have a fuck it mentality, but I also feel like, as a creative, like you said, disrupting the routine, getting out there, traveling, being alone and traveling. Being alone and traveling, I'm. I Feel like I'm becoming the person I want to be and that does cost some money but, like you said, you can do it inexpensively. I have so many friends in LA. I stay everywhere for free and I'm really lucky to have that. But it's like why not utilize those resources? And, yeah, I do fly a lot, but that's something that is Helping me become less codependent, get perspective, get inspired. It's where I'm at right now.

Niki DeMar: 24:48

I feel like a little bit like a nomad that owns a house. I'll always do social media, but it's making me wonder Is it time to like look elsewhere? Because I do want to feel that like Purpose and I feel like just vlogging. The highs, the highs, ooh, brand trips, ooh haul. Get ready with me. Well, I get ready to go on a date. Ooh like, I don't know if that there's nothing wrong with that content, but I've been doing it for so long. I can almost tell when I'm around new creators that they still have the rose colored glasses on and they're still happy and excited, and it mirrors back to me how I'm so Been there, done that and I love, I love doing this, but I definitely think there's more. I want to try out and there's nothing wrong with trying.

Austin Seltzer: 25:43

Yeah, I love that for you because, like in the conversation that we've had here and then I'm sure that listeners can understand we had a nice conversation before this because we keep on referring to it that you generally like, genuinely, genuinely want to Help others and you, you want to be a deeper, not icon a, and a deeper Person and, in your viewers, life like add some lightness to this dark world.

Niki DeMar: 26:13

Yes and I think sometimes my influencer brand can be very like feeding into capitalism and like Feeding into propaganda and feeding into you need this, you need to look like this, you, your life, needs to look like this and that like it kills me to think that some people look at me just trying to put food on my table and think that, like they, they almost are, like I need her life. No, like I want to talk about all the other things, but it's scary, you know.

Austin Seltzer: 26:44

Mm-hmm, hopefully, hopefully we can talk about some of those here. Yeah which, which leads me I would love to rewind all the way, all the way back what, what was childhood like? What was you and your sister's life early on in your family life? And I want to figure out how some of that shaped who you are, you know, early in your 20s and who you are now, and Probably some of what you got from from your childhood and how that's going to propel you into the future.

Niki DeMar: 27:18

That's such a good question. I Want to say that my mom was raised Very like, had a very hard upbringing and she tried to do the opposite with us. She wanted to give us everything she never had. My mom had nothing growing up and obviously she's a dentist, met my dad in dental school and now, looking back, I think that my mom she even says she feels bad but she just didn't want us to Carry the burden that she carried growing up. So she did the opposite and we have the very, very, very opposite problems that my mom had. I learning finances now. I had a business manager that did everything For 10 years and it's like I'm fighting to learn that now. A lot of people I've had to fire people who don't Want me to grow up because they and they have control. I've had to fight people like I want to look at what's going on. I've had. It's been hard, like really hard, and I haven't been able to talk about that online because Someone can cut this up and say that Nikki's bitching about XYZ, so I don't know.

Austin Seltzer: 28:33

Yeah, yeah, first of all, you should just not feel bad at all about learning those things now. One, because you are learning them now, but to yeah, as it, as a kid growing up, you're only subjected to so much. You, how you are raised, is your world, and if you're not subjected to certain things like you're talking about, like doing chores and finances and the the things that you said that you are now having to learn, as soon as that is now part of your life, there's no longer an excuse as to like this. I didn't know that that's the way, but now that you you have been subjected to those things and you're changing, that is, that is Like, what more could you ask for? That means that you're evolving and adapting to what is now your life and I I could see how some people could Complain about that, but if you just take a step back and understand that you don't know what you don't know, and I do have to say I think that I do have this career.

Niki DeMar: 29:44

The good side, or the side that really Helped me create this, is that my parents really did not burden me with anything, to the point where I was able to sit in my room and edit videos all night and not do chores, and my parents weren't hard on me to get straight A's so like my focus was content creation and anything creative. So that was a luxury for sure, and I do think that that aided and where I am now. So I'm really grateful. So it's like you know, nothing's perfect. I was able to have that beautiful situation to be able to really dive into my creativity at a young age, and my parents encouraged my creativity. My dad encouraged it. A lot of parents don't encourage that, so I'm left. I'm really blessed for that.

Niki DeMar: 30:31

But With good comes bad, and the bad is that because I was only a creative child, I have to now tap into the other side of my brain.

Niki DeMar: 30:39

I completely didn't use growing up and like be logical and use logic and not make every decision based off emotions, and actually be an adult and be how to be organized by myself and not have to rely on people and Stay on top of my shit and how to like stay on top of my living.

Niki DeMar: 30:57

That's something that I'm now learning to do, so but I did have, you know, siblings that were close in age, parents that supported my dreams, and a lot of people don't have that. Yeah, so that having like an, a twin sister, an older sister, all of us two years apart Like my older sister is a year and a half older, me and my twin obviously same age so all three of us were just constantly making content together, and now that I'm alone as an adult because Gabby's off doing her thing, my older sister is off in New York City Making content alone is also very hard because, like, what's inspiring you if you're not having fun with people around you? So I'm, I'm having it a little bit harder and I had it easier as a kid, and some people may have that flip flopped.

Austin Seltzer: 31:41

You know, my life was very fortunate. I I got to just sit there and do that and for anybody listening, I think that a cheat code to success is just figuring out how you can Create as often as possible Whatever you have to like. Formulate your life like if you want to be a music Artist, you want to be a producer, or you want to be like a, a painting artist or a photographer, whatever that is you have to be doing that all the time all the time.

Austin Seltzer: 32:12

So formulate your life in a way with a routine, with structure, whatever it is, to be able to create as much as possible. And it worked out for us where for you earlier in life than me, but the earlier the better just how ever you can create like that's going to allow you to get those years in that we talked about 10 years in Before others, and that's that's the name of the game is just be in the sandbox as early as possible and be making little sandcastles.

Niki DeMar: 32:43

I also feel like to add to that. I think alone time is huge.

Niki DeMar: 32:47

Yes if you're constantly filling your cup with other people and Trying to socialize 24-7. And what are my plans this week? What are my plans next week, what are my plans in a month? And life is just fun, fun, fun and you're constantly around other people. You're never really going to tap into Really like where the fuck you could go and what you really want.

Niki DeMar: 33:11

I think, personally, I've spent the last 2022 to 2023, you know I was grieving a breakup and I needed that year of just socialization and traveling because you know you gotta heal somehow and I spent so much time just with that person. I needed to just see what else was out there. But now, looking back in hindsight, now that I'm starting to really crave my alone time again and give it to myself, I feel like I'm making strides by myself and I think that my content I'm so much more proud of it when I'm. I come up with better ideas when I'm alone. Even though I was like really privileged there were.

Niki DeMar: 33:49

I had a lot of alone time because I didn't have a lot of friends, because the second I would make friends, it wouldn't last long, because when there's two people, someone's gonna fuck up. If you only have to rely on yourself. You can keep friends for a while. The friends I've made in my 20s just as Nikki friends they're still my friends. But the friends I've shared with Gabby, if she has a falling out with them, odds are they. It feels awkward with me too, because if someone's hating on my sister, how can I be friends with them? So it's like when I was in high school I didn't really have friends. I didn't wanna go to football games. I didn't wanna go to school dances. I didn't get invited to any graduation parties. I didn't have a graduation party. I graduated and that was it. And then I was YouTube. Let's go.

Austin Seltzer: 34:36

I could literally Do. You wanna throw a graduation party in the studio? We can throw you a graduation party.

Niki DeMar: 34:42

Sure and honestly, party of two, and that's how I was in high school. I was like I just wanna be creative and have my party of two or three. I wasn't a part of a big friend group and I think that's why I am where I am. I think people senior year we're just like kind of partying and relying on like clout and seniority and popularity, while I was just like editing away and I think sometimes it's silencing what you think you should be doing and really focusing on what lights you up, and I think that's why I am where I am.

Austin Seltzer: 35:18

Yeah, yeah, the sacrifices that you made that's one of the hardest things for people to see are the sacrifices that creatives make.

Niki DeMar: 35:26

So many people are like Nikki, why don't you just sell your house, just moved LA, just sell your house. And those are people from LA and I look at them and I'm like my gut says not yet, because I feel like I am really being creative when I'm over there and that's a sacrifice. Like you know, I do get jealous of people that can wake up where all my friends live and they can wake up and be in the center of entertainment, because that is what I want eventually, but I'm very well aware that's down the road, but I'm still in this middle part and Pennsylvania and alone time and the sacrifices that I am making are being rewarded.

Austin Seltzer: 36:02

No doubt, but I mean all along your life. If we went back and we looked at, day in and day out, the sacrifices that are made to make the content that you made are tremendous. Where other people are out doing all sorts of fun stuff with their friends, which I'm sure that you did with a small group, you know, here and there, I don't even have to ask you, I just know that to do the amount of content that you were creating for me, just sitting in a room, just, you know, having friends. Hey, we're going out tonight doing blah, blah, blah. Or hey, you want to come over, we're doing so much. Ah, man, I'm working on this song which nobody ever got to listen to, but the me just chipping away at learning the craft. There are probably thousands of times that I had to say no to things that I really wanted to do and I am more than certain the same with you. It's just what you have to do to be great at something, whatever that is.

Niki DeMar: 37:00

Choosing the craft over literally everything else. In college I actually didn't have a party phase. The three years I was in college People would invite me out and be like Nicky come smoke, nicky, come party. And I would say no because I'd stay inside and edit, because I saw what I was creating for myself and that meant more to me than anything else and I was perceived as stuck up and that I thought I was better than everyone just because I didn't want to party. But the irony is that now I feel like at 27, I'm getting the party years that I didn't get.

Niki DeMar: 37:33

I went through the breakup. I was in LA. I've never made more friends than I have this past year. I have so many amazing friends that I've made this year and I've been hard on myself about it, like about being as social as I am because I'm so used to working on my craft. But I also think, like I tell myself, like you had to have this at some point in your life. You don't want to be like married with kids and like wonder, like you know, everybody deserves to have a year or a few where they're just like ah.

Niki DeMar: 38:03

For sure, Like I also think knowing when you need to focus back on yourself is important too. I mean, life is about balance. I mean you're a liber, you get balance.

Austin Seltzer: 38:15

Yeah, for everybody listening. I'm not super deep into astrology, but I do know that I'm a Libra and I do know that it's a scale.

Niki DeMar: 38:24

Very balanced being and I do have to pee really bad, like the coffee's hitting this is a perfect time to stop. Yes, I mean we'll come back. Yeah, okay, cool.

Austin Seltzer: 38:35

Sweet Heck. Yes, All right. So the possibly like the main question of this podcast and exploring this among other things, but what does success mean to you?

Niki DeMar: 38:53

So we all definitely like when we hear success.

Niki DeMar: 38:58

I feel like we all see this vision in our head and part of it could definitely be very materialistic, like obviously like house with a view LA, cool, yeah, but that's like not the main thing anymore, that's like in the background.

Niki DeMar: 39:17

The main thing I really do see is waking up every day, being genuinely happy and feeling very fulfilled and the connections I have, whether that be like a family and a partner building a beautiful life, and it could look like anything. And I think like I also see success as power, and that doesn't mean like controlling other people. That means creating something that's yours and that is power. That's you know as much as it's hard being a public figure. I didn't realize how powerful having a YouTube channel was until like literally this year, because you know doing music and all that stuff. You're realizing people everyone's taking cuts and percentages and they claim this and they have phoned this and that my channel's mine and no matter whether it's doing good or bad or whatever, that's like it's complete ownership. But ultimately, I do see success now as being able to call something your own that no one else can claim as their own, and also just being happy.

Austin Seltzer: 40:39

That's a really cool thing to be able to reflect on.

Niki DeMar: 40:41

Yeah, it's kind of weird. Like I really think the basis of our hearts as humans is connection. And if you don't feel like being alone and being lonely are very like, very different feelings. You're when you're alone, you're probably choosing to be alone, and if you're lonely, that's like not out of choice, that's like you really don't feel like you have anybody making you feel like they're holding you in this hard world. And I felt lonely for a really long time. And I felt lonely when I was making some of my highest income. And what was the point of making that high income if I felt that pulling in my stomach like every day? What was the point? So it's like success to me is being able to breathe and not feeling like you're holding your breath through life because it's so hard.

Austin Seltzer: 41:40

Wow.

Niki DeMar: 41:41

Yeah, that last line.

Austin Seltzer: 41:44

I don't know if you literally mean holding your breath, but there are many days where the stress level that I'm under, with so many different projects and so many different emotions of I need this today because X, y and Z, but then also life things happening that I actually find myself holding my breath.

Niki DeMar: 42:05

Because I'm just holding on. That's like fight or flight. That's like I don't know if you like know. There's like breath work or breathing apps because, as humans, like, when we like don't breathe properly, like it only adds to the stress and the anxiety and we do stop breathing literally. We're like when we're like writing an email I don't breathe, but literally.

Austin Seltzer: 42:27

I'm like Damn, what email is this One that you don't want to be writing for sure?

Niki DeMar: 42:33

For sure.

Austin Seltzer: 42:36

Your answer. Everything that you've been saying I resonate with a whole lot. But the part about was it worth working X amount of hard for more money, I have to say that I've thought about that exact thing a lot. I've never been in the position that you have, you know, financially with a YouTube channel. I hope to be there and I hope to be happy doing it. But if we just scale it down and look at my life, if I hadn't had worked X amount of hard for whatever reward and then be like, wow, you know what, that really wasn't worth it, I wouldn't have that feeling. I wouldn't have that knowing. Like we can all look at I don't know big interviews with big whoever and you can read 100 self-help books and they all say the same thing. But I don't know if it's just a human thing or if it's a some of us thing, but we have to feel it for ourselves.

Niki DeMar: 43:42

I always say I need to learn the hard way. People can tell me what to do, but I got to feel it and learn the lesson internally. I won't listen to other people's advice.

Austin Seltzer: 43:51

Yeah, I became much better at listening to certain people after they've shown that I can really like what they say actually is true. But then there's just some things that we have to learn. We just have to learn for ourselves. We have to touch the hot pan and burn ourselves Like it's just the way it is, and I hope people listening to this take what you are saying and really listen to it. But I mean, we both know that people are still going to have to try things for themselves, but they'll look back and be like, damn, this is way to spend it. Good here Is that if you do set this goal, whatever it may be, and you do reach it and you are unhappy, that self-empowerment of actually being able to reach the goal that you set for yourself is very powerful, and I think that that is also the power that you were talking about.

Niki DeMar: 44:47

And that is a very good thing yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 44:50

I mean we need to have that self-empowerment inside of us that we feel like we can reach a goal that we set out for ourselves. And even if it doesn't turn out the way that we want, there is a silver lining there.

Niki DeMar: 45:04

I think a part of success is getting totally comfortable with failure.

Austin Seltzer: 45:07

Yes.

Niki DeMar: 45:08

You have to be so ready for that failure and not care about what other people think and how they see you. I mean, I'm doing music right now. I'm very happy doing it, but I'm very aware that you know, with each release we're always hoping for the best. Some song stream more than others, but that can't be why you put it out. You can't be like waiting for the overnight thing to happen. It's then don't do it. It's like get used to failure. Do it as if failure is always going to happen. That's how you know if you really love something or not. Is it worth it? If it still is, then you love it and then you should absolutely keep doing it. And that's how you freaking know. You know, you know.

Austin Seltzer: 45:53

That's how you know. You know, I'm literally writing a note in my mind right now because this is my first podcast episode and I damn well know that it's going to take quite a while for this to catch on. I definitely think it will, because we're going to have great conversations with great people, just like we're having now.

Niki DeMar: 46:11

Consistency. It all starts somewhere. You already have this incredible set. The concept is insane Like it's all there, it's just having fun now. Now it's time to play, and whether people are watching or not, just keep playing, keep playing and then as long as like something, I realized. Okay. I hate to always make everything a lesson, but I learned a lot this year, okay.

Austin Seltzer: 46:35

Give it to me, let's go Give it to me. Give me the lesson.

Niki DeMar: 46:39

I don't know if you're. Are you? You give me empath vibes. Are you an empath Like you? Really? You feel other people's energies and you try to. It can be overwhelming. If someone has bad energy, you feel it hard. If someone has good energy, you piggyback off that and you're always like reflecting other people's emotions back.

Austin Seltzer: 46:58

I would like to think that I am. I really do care about that.

Niki DeMar: 47:01

I feel like I work with a lot of people and I can't say a lot of them are empaths, but every time I interact with you I could tell there's like a heart in everything, everything. So I feel like you're really giving empath and I feel like I'm definitely an empath and I feel like that is something that is tricky to deal with, but it's such a gift and I think that once you can like really use that, like it can easily bring you down because, again, you're like picking off people's energies, but it can also really like bring shit up and bring in a ton of abundance.

Austin Seltzer: 47:44

Yes, there are so many people that have been in my life who no longer are in my life that made me feel a way that I don't want to feel.

Austin Seltzer: 47:54

And I have to say this is maybe something that I'm just getting, I'll say, better at, because saying good, I don't know if I'm good, but I'm getting better at sensing immediately if I want somebody in my life or not, just by the way they make me feel. And I think it's because I've been through a lot of hard relationships, not like a romantic relationship, but like with a boss, you know, at a job, or a mentor or whoever that made me feel so terrible about myself that I guess it's a trauma, ptsd type thing that immediately, if I feel that way, I'm like, okay, I can sense that this is not going to go the direction that I want to have, you know, somebody in my life, and maybe I do get a pit in my stomach, so maybe it's just a different way for me, but synesthesia is a heck of a cool thing, okay. So I want to ask why did you right ruin your life, like of all the things that you could have chose?

Niki DeMar: 49:06

I actually encourage people to ruin their life, as destructive as that sounds.

Niki DeMar: 49:11

I think that's basically saying don't listen to what other people are thinking, or saying Do what you want to do, even if they perceive it as you fucking up or you ruining things walking away from a marriage, getting a divorce, moving, taking a leap of faith, quitting your job, actually doing what you love, like ruin your life and ways.

Niki DeMar: 49:35

I wouldn't say I've ruined my life. I'm dealing with new struggles because I'm maybe not being as structured about my life, but I do think, like you said, there's some beauty in the chaos and I've had to check in on myself and ask the question Nikki, are you creating chaos because you were raised in chaos and chaos equals comfort to you, or are you genuinely just trying to figure your shit out? And I'm definitely just trying to figure my shit out because I love feeling safety and comfort and I love routine. I'm an earth sign. I love to feel grounded. I definitely don't feel grounded this year whatsoever, so I'm trying to find ways to stay grounded, like working out routine with going to bed when I eat, like things like that, maybe even like making playlists for each season and listening to repetitive songs to feel comfort when I'm not home.

Niki DeMar: 50:27

I like that, and it's like that is what's grounding me while I'm in this process of ruining my life.

Austin Seltzer: 50:35

Yeah, I think that you are ruining the box that people have put you in.

Niki DeMar: 50:40

Yes.

Austin Seltzer: 50:41

That's I mean. This year of chaos is really a year of growth.

Niki DeMar: 50:47

Yes.

Austin Seltzer: 50:48

It will just be a new box that you'll you'll be in for a moment.

Niki DeMar: 50:52

And then we break it again.

Austin Seltzer: 50:53

Exactly that's. I think that's what life is really about is just continuously evolving and being very thankful for who you were yesterday and just as thankful and stoked to be who you are tomorrow. It's going to turn out beautiful.

Niki DeMar: 51:09

Thank you, and you know what really stemmed this like whole movement. I unintentionally started.

Austin Seltzer: 51:15

What did?

Niki DeMar: 51:16

I had this realization on Christmas not this past year, but the year before where I was so not in my element like my stomach, but I had to literally ask myself how did I get here? And then I started really thinking and then I realized that I was making other people comfortable while making myself completely uncomfortable. And that's when I realized I'm not living for myself. Looking back, I know why I did it now, but at the time I just felt like I had to and I didn't know why. Because it's like, if you're going to end up with someone who's of the opposite sex, well I come out. But I think I had this like intuitive feeling that now obviously I'm, you know, living a queer lifestyle, and I knew that making you know my sexuality was going to make people very uncomfortable, including my own parents. And I remember telling myself Nikki like you can talk about being queer on social media, but you'll never talk about it with your parents unless you fall in love with someone who's of the same sex.

Niki DeMar: 52:21

Fast forward. I put myself in a situation where I'm like, oh shit, I got to talk to my parents. I was like almost heartbroken over someone, over like of the same sex. So I needed emotionally my parents. So then I started opening up about it and now it's a very normal conversation piece. It's my life now and they're so accepting. And it took a bit because you know it was a big change, especially for my dad. They're very like, old fashioned, but that was a part of, you know, ruining my life. It's like I'm ruining the daughter they saw for 26 years, like that image, and people think I'm ruining my life. But I think I'm doing what needs to be done and my EP that's coming out in the summer is very much this theme of the unraveling, making change a lot of breakup songs, but also a lot of empowering songs too.

Austin Seltzer: 53:25

Yeah, I funny enough. I think breakup songs are incredibly empowering and I know that I think there are some breakup songs and some empowering songs, but breakup songs are very empowering.

Niki DeMar: 53:37

I could see that though.

Austin Seltzer: 53:40

That was really my chemical romance and slipknot and yeah, just two very different types of music, but yeah, I think those were. Those were mine.

Niki DeMar: 53:52

I was like Miley and dummy.

Austin Seltzer: 53:54

I'm a Disney kid, Okay you know I love both of them. They're both incredible. I mean, demi's got a ridiculous voice, not that Miley doesn't and then Miley's songs are just so iconic, holy crap.

Austin Seltzer: 54:05

Okay, so I'm curious when do you see we're talking about like Mount Everest here, like the pinnacle. Where do you see your life and I guess we could say career, and that doesn't mean music, but just overall, like I know, we know one day you just want to be happy and that is, that's beautiful, like that's, that is the Mount Everest. But where do you see things going in your life from sitting here at almost 28, like musically, but other careers as well?

Niki DeMar: 54:44

I want to be completely, absolutely independent from my sister, career wise, I want to not have to every have everything so intertwined with my family. I want to be financially like not just stable, but financially, where I want to be on my own without having to be a twin publicly. And I see myself always having music in my life. When I was just doing YouTube with no music involved, I really really felt purposeless. While everyone around me that was influencing I could tell that their cups were being filled just by influencing and I didn't understand and it always felt like I was never satisfied. But that's just because I wasn't completely in my purpose and I think YouTube's a part of it, a part of the connection, but I think music is the other part that I was missing.

Niki DeMar: 55:38

So I could see myself. There's a few things I can see. I see myself living in a new city like LA, building my family. I want to have a family. I for sure meant to be a mom like the definitely be a cringy mom one day and I could have another podcast when you're a mom and yes we'll check in.

Austin Seltzer: 55:57

as we talked about earlier, this is a time capsule.

Niki DeMar: 56:00

I see myself as like a soccer mom low key.

Austin Seltzer: 56:05

We got to have the follow up episode. Whenever your kids are playing soccer I mean, I played soccer, so I resonate with this.

Niki DeMar: 56:14

I see myself being the career woman with kids, being able to do both. Because I've always been told like you want to get married and have kids, like good luck with your career. And then I've heard vice versa, like if you have the career, then you shouldn't want the kids, and if you have the kids and you shouldn't want the career because you need to be home for the kids. And it's like I love that. I can like work remote and YouTube gives me that. But I see myself honestly tapping more into the business side of things, and music is something I can't ever stop. Maybe it won't be as frequent one day, but I really feel like right now, like it is makes me so happy.

Niki DeMar: 56:58

I would love, in a dream world, to be a touring artist. Honestly, I say Halsey and pink. I want to be like a top charting artist with a family and involve my family in all that I do and I want to have it all. I want to be the career person with the family and I also see myself not just rooting for myself but building up other artists and maybe directing and editing their music videos. So it's like I want to be nominated for a VMA and have one of my videos. I worked on with a competitor or colleague and have their video be nominated, even against mine, but I made their video Like I could see myself doing that.

Austin Seltzer: 57:39

That would be so much fun.

Niki DeMar: 57:40

I'm like editing is. You know how you made your career? By being in your room piecing together music. I was editing music videos. I can edit a music video like top notch in an hour. It's like my weird passion. I would love to edit for other people, but I don't know how to get started. That's what we're looking into right now. I would love to like make music videos for like my artist friends. Start there. I really, like you, know how I have synthesized, how I see colors when I hear numbers and songs. I see music videos. When I hear a song, I see full blown concepts, storylines, and I think that's a gift and I need to like tap into that more it certainly is.

Austin Seltzer: 58:20

Yeah, I love that so much. I think that the way to do it is just like you said you can start with some friends and you could just do it for free because it is a passion of yours and it will be the gift that keeps on giving, because those friends will tell other friends that you did it and you will just get more content out there for people to see. Oh, my gosh, she really has a vision for bringing these things to life and I could see how that would be so creatively fulfilling for you. But somebody like like Pink on the Road my gosh, how, what a cool thing where you know the world knows you as as pink in this performer but you get to have your family on the road and like in a beautiful life along with a very massive career. I mean, pink is as big as you can get. She is my gosh. Her career has gone on for so long and she is still so relevant.

Niki DeMar: 59:17

That's the goal. Like I don't need to rush to the top, I just want my career for a long time.

Austin Seltzer: 59:24

So I don't know if everybody knows, but I got to mix your last two singles and master them and it was really cool to get to look into your world. One of the producers was Midi, a good friend of mine, who luckily brought me onto this project. Like that's kind of what started this relationship. And then Jules produced the last track that we did, amnesia. But, like, looking forward to some of these other tracks that are going to be on the CP you want to dive into, I don't know what all you can tell yet, but give us the taste of it.

Niki DeMar: 1:00:01

So all these tracks were written over a span of a year and a half, so there is an evolution in all the songs. Some older ones, you can tell, have a little bit of my older flair on them and like we can bleep the sound like bitch and before and after. And then some of the newer ones, like Sorry, not Safe and Amnesia, have a. My newer ones have a darker, edgier tone because I think I'm at this more. I know I'm like pissing people off but like let's go type of stage. And then I feel like the older stuff on the project is a little bit more break up, coming back from a break up type songs. But overall the entire EP is very influenced from older music from 10 to 20 years ago. So like my first EP was very, I would say, like trendy TikTok music because when I was stuck inside I was just listening to Fresh Find's pop on Spotify, listening to new artists experimenting with current sounds, and I loved that. I was making Bedroom Pop.

Niki DeMar: 1:01:15

And this past year and a half I've been actually doing a lot of inner child healing and one of those things was my sexuality. I remember the moment I knew I was queer. I was 12 watching America's Next Top Model, one of the contestants I had the biggest crush on and I was like this is wrong, nikki, this is wrong. And, ironically, I've been listening to music from 2007, from seventh grade, because now I'm like now you can be this. And then I've been listening to like Rihanna and like Pink and like Nelly Furtado, like Shut Up and Drive Umbrella, like Gwen Stefani, like all that stuff.

Niki DeMar: 1:01:56

Old School Katy Perry one of the boys, like that album I've been listening to all that and like the Veronica's and 2000 music, like Blink 182 and like Destiny's Child. But we're doing like all the Disney girls when they were putting out pop punk music, but like current. And we're doing like a little bit of Gwen and Pink and even a little Rihanna, like party vibes. That's where I'm feeling in Avril Lavigne, like that's not her earlier stuff but more so like her girlfriend era, like that's where I'm really feeling and there's mixed. This was going to be a breakup EP and I was going to title it something breakup related and then I realized, oh, like that is one thing under the umbrella of what this actually is, and then I called it something else and I'm excited.

Austin Seltzer: 1:02:48

Yeah, hell yeah. I love that. I think that this ruin your life mentality. This box that we talked about you breaking out of is finding your inner child.

Niki DeMar: 1:03:03

Yes.

Austin Seltzer: 1:03:04

It's, it's the For a lack of a better way of saying it is rediscovering the childhood that you weren't robbed of, but that you weren't like, you didn't live.

Niki DeMar: 1:03:19

Have you ever heard of delayed adolescence?

Austin Seltzer: 1:03:22

I have, but I don't know where.

Niki DeMar: 1:03:25

I think I listened to probably a podcast that dove into it a little bit, but it's a big thing in the queer community and I talked about it somewhere publicly but I haven't really touched on it that much. I've been wondering why I feel younger than I ever have in my entire life. This year I feel like a little kid. My energy is contagious and I never been told that. I just got back from a trip with a brand and all the friends I made on the trip said I was the life of the party. I've never been called that.

Niki DeMar: 1:03:50

I literally speak of the Debbie Downer negative Nancy. I really think when I was younger I was the life of the party and then I got corrupted by all that other shit but heartbreak and young adulthood and fame and stuff. I think that my energy has gotten lighter and therefore I feel younger. I actually feel like I don't remind myself of who I was at 22. If someone would see my content now versus back then, they'd be like whoa, she changed, I think for the better.

Niki DeMar: 1:04:23

But if you saw me in middle school and high school, that's who I look like a progression of I think I skipped. This is me in middle school, high school. Then there's this blue hair era YouTuber, nikki, who was negative and depressed. Then there's me now. This isn't a continuation of that girl. This is a continuation of the high school, middle school, nikki. I not only look like how I did back then, but I'm dressing how I did and I'm. It feels like I'm back to myself. I came back home to myself and in her child, nikki, I'm like. Anytime I feel like I'm having a panic attack or crying or I feel out of control. I almost I'm like talking to myself like you got this. I'm here, older Nikki's here to make sure you're okay. That's changed my life.

Austin Seltzer: 1:05:14

That's beautiful. Thanks have you by any chance. What you just said reminds me of this have you read a book called the Alchemist?

Niki DeMar: 1:05:22

No, you just told me to read it.

Austin Seltzer: 1:05:25

Okay, I'm guessing, though. Have you seen we're going to go nerdy real quick, because I am just a total nerd? Have you seen any of the Lord of the Rings? Or have you seen the original three by chance?

Niki DeMar: 1:05:39

I wasn't a Lord of the Rings kid.

Austin Seltzer: 1:05:41

Okay, I'm trying to think of a good analogy here, but there's this thing called the hero's journey and it's across so many different like stories. I think you're like any religious text or like Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. But the Alchemist is a book that everybody loves, it seems who has read it. The whole idea behind it is that we must leave home and travel and go to a place that's unknown and that we don't understand, to get back home, and home is where the heart is. But it's really who we were as a child. That is us.

Austin Seltzer: 1:06:32

But we have to journey far away from it to figure out that that's where we need to be and that all give out. I mean, that is what the Alchemist is about and everybody should really read it because it's beautiful and it says it in a very poetic way. But I think your journey through Blue Haired Nikki and that era was so necessary for you to want to come back to being a child, and being a child is where we should all aspire to be, because it's our most true self. I try and be my child self all the time. It's very, very difficult because of the Adult stress.

Austin Seltzer: 1:07:13

Adult stress is, and I think really like social norms were meant to be a certain way.

Niki DeMar: 1:07:20

We're talking like big picture, mount Everest stuff, like earlier. I really want to make an effort to not give into that and just learn how to not, even though I am just a number, learn how to be the best number you know, and the best, you mean the happiest.

Austin Seltzer: 1:07:42

Yeah, because you told us that that is your goal.

Niki DeMar: 1:07:45

Yeah, like peace. Do you ever just like see those people living really, really slow lives off the grid, like in Hawaii?

Austin Seltzer: 1:07:54

I was going to say not in LA.

Niki DeMar: 1:07:55

Yeah, no, like really slow lives. It makes you wonder, and my mind goes here Do we have to be a part of that? Do we sometimes want more than we think we actually need and we fall victim to that comparison game and then we unintentionally put ourselves on the wheel when really maybe that won't lead to ultimate happiness, peace and happiness.

Austin Seltzer: 1:08:26

Without a doubt.

Niki DeMar: 1:08:27

Like I can sit here and preach about this and talk about capitalism, but I'm definitely giving into it and a lot of. I mean it's natural.

Austin Seltzer: 1:08:33

Yeah, without a doubt that that is the case. But for somebody like me, I really love like, genuinely love the hustle of moving forward and bettering myself.

Niki DeMar: 1:08:48

And. I really do love it, and how do we stay like peaceful while doing that?

Austin Seltzer: 1:08:54

Yeah, that's one thing that my girl cast. She always talks about, I mean, while I may be, you know, the sign of a balance. I do not think that my balance is very good at all. I think that it's a little better.

Niki DeMar: 1:09:11

Well, you're creative, so give yourself some. We're always in a chase with our creativity After one good idea onto the next. We can't celebrate that good idea or that good project, we're always onto the next.

Austin Seltzer: 1:09:22

Yeah, and I actually think that that's because I get a dopamine high of working on creatively fulfilling things. The thought of us being here today is where the dopamine kicks in and it pushes me to want to make this thing happen.

Niki DeMar: 1:09:38

I mean you literally said when you were making the coffee you're like I'm so excited I almost don't even need this coffee.

Austin Seltzer: 1:09:43

That's exactly right. You just came up with even a better example. That's exactly right.

Niki DeMar: 1:09:48

Came out of your mouth it did.

Austin Seltzer: 1:09:50

It's not the actual intake of the caffeine, but the Chemicals. The thought of me getting to drink it or not. The podcast itself, which has been great, but the thought of us getting to sit down is what had me so excited.

Niki DeMar: 1:10:04

So I do have a question, since we're way more similar than I even realized have you ever found yourself in a state of your life where, before you had that awareness of needing that dopamine high from socializing, did you ever find yourself over-busying yourself, realizing and being consistently happy and then having a bigger come down or realizing you were busying yourself so hard and then you realized, fuck, I'm not giving myself, me time because it's such an addiction. It's the same way like a drug or a person. It's the same thing because I'm the same way. I get so excited and happy around people. So isolation and being alone is very hard for me.

Austin Seltzer: 1:10:52

Yeah, I only found out about the low of basically you needing to refill the dopamine in your body to just get back to baseline last month. I always knew that I was an extrovert and that I felt great whenever I was around friends. But earlier on in my life I would just always be around friends, always, and I never understood why I had days where I would just sleep and just sleep and just sleep. And now it totally makes sense that I was just always excited to be around people, that I needed full body repair to be around it again. Wow.

Niki DeMar: 1:11:46

Yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 1:11:46

I've always, always, always flourished in social settings because it makes me feel so good. I mean mostly whenever you know at least a couple of people in the room, although I love not knowing a single person and be bopping around and meeting people but, of course, like if you have your core people in there, it just makes everything better. But I certainly do need and I know now that I need that repair time.

Niki DeMar: 1:12:12

That's so crazy You're teaching me something Like. Yesterday I got back from Coachella. I spent the whole day sleeping, like all weekend.

Austin Seltzer: 1:12:22

But also, you know, you were up until like 5 am.

Niki DeMar: 1:12:26

Yeah, we were ever showing him some videos on a party bus and he looked at the time.

Austin Seltzer: 1:12:29

He's like 5 am, 5 am and it looked like you guys were just starting.

Niki DeMar: 1:12:35

I was like oh my God, I'm a grandpa. No, I felt like a grandpa. I was falling asleep while everyone was like wow.

Austin Seltzer: 1:12:42

No offense to the grandpa that's out there that can do that. So that, I think, leads to probably the last topic that I'm certain that people are interested in. But I am too. What does life look like coming from pretty much your entire life being in a hetero relationship or a hetero? I get, would you say, like mental space, like that was you thought of. I'm supposed to be with a man and moving into more of a queer lifestyle now and you know what are the dynamic changes. You know way of life, way of mindset. I'm just so curious because it's coming from a hetero man Like I. It's hard for me to understand those two mindsets in one person and I would love to hear.

Niki DeMar: 1:13:37

So that's also a really good question. I obviously only identified, even though I knew I like had something in me when I was 12, I never explored it and I shut it down right away and almost put it in the back of my head and continued living and dated men, and anytime anything queer would come up I'd be like nope, nope, wouldn't even let myself like ruminate about that idea because I knew I could possibly be. So it just never allowed it to process through my head. But during those years, while I was only with men and dating and being hetero, you know I have more of those years under my belt than I do queer and something I realized is the privilege you have just by being with the opposite sex. Starting with perception man. This year I've really had to learn to let go of people's perceptions because even just walking in an airport with the opposite gender versus the same, I've cut lines in security with a boyfriend because old couples think it's cute, but if I'm with a girl it's not the same.

Austin Seltzer: 1:14:46

It's not the same. I never would have thought about that.

Niki DeMar: 1:14:48

It's not the same On holidays. My siblings the second. They're talking to someone new and it's a man. My family relatives have no problem bringing it up and wanting to hear all about it, but they all know I'm not with a man and it's not brought up like that and I just have to be happy for myself and with myself and I can't bask in that joy with my family.

Austin Seltzer: 1:15:11

But I bet that I do feel like, at least out here, that a lot of people can just tell that you are now. Maybe you always were, but you are clearly authentically being yourself.

Niki DeMar: 1:15:24

That's the best part. I'm like talking about all the bad, but it's like I'm actively choosing this because it makes me that much happier than all the bullshit I have to deal with and that's how I know. That's who I am, because and now I identify as pansexual, not bisexual, because now I'm realizing when I, if I was to go somewhere single, I'm not looking for a gender, I'm looking for a vibe. I'm a vibe girl. It's like if you have a great personality and we have a connection and you have a great face, I'm into it. I don't care if you're male, female, transgender, I can fall for anyone and that's something I've realized and I think that's a beautiful thing. I got a really big heart and I wear it on my sleeve and I let myself get hurt very easily.

Niki DeMar: 1:16:15

But I think that, even looking back in the past, I think I've been falling for multiple types of people for a long time and I didn't know what that was because I never let myself dive into it. I think it says a lot to yourself when you know you're dealing with something hard and you're choosing a harder lifestyle, but you're still choosing it every day, willingly. It says your actions speak louder than words. You can say you want X, y, z, but if your actions are actively choosing the other thing, like, that's who you really are, your actions show you who you are. And I think my actions show me I am a part of this community way more than I thought I was. It makes I am happy, makes me happy, and I also think that the quote or the saying love is love has taken on a whole new meaning to me. I think when I was in hetero relationships I thought it was a pride thing. Oh, love is love, rainbow flag and I'm like no, no, no, no, love really is love. And how I felt with men is how I feel with women, and love feels the same way, no matter what it looks like when you're in love or being intimate, it's the same thing. Same feelings in your stomach, same everything. So I think that it's completely changed my entire framework of what I was raised thinking.

Niki DeMar: 1:17:50

And sometimes I think having such a long hetero history bites me in the butt, sometimes because I know exactly how some people may be looking at me or what they may be thinking, and I have those voices in my head that I have to combat Because I may have had those thoughts about other people.

Niki DeMar: 1:18:08

Growing up and I'll admit it, coming from a small town in Pennsylvania with a lot of conservative people around me in Catholic school, I hear those voices all the time. Well, I'm so happy with a person. It's like I still hear it and I don't know if that'll ever go away. That's like 26, 27 years of all that being fed in your ear. But I'm like working very hard on myself to like talk about it, talk about it with my like queer support system, talk about it with my therapist, with my parents, with my sisters, and like talk about that experience and like, the more I normalize it and talk about it, I don't feel guilty for having those thoughts about my own self. I feel like sometimes I do judge myself and it's like we're really working on that internalized homophobia that I was raised around.

Austin Seltzer: 1:19:01

Yeah, I think there are so many kids growing up in homes that are raised with that mentality and again, it just it takes getting outside of that bubble Again, probably leaving your state, your city, whatever, and experiencing things on your own to be subjected to new thoughts, and I just wanna say that I think that that's incredibly beautiful and it goes back to what I feel like is the keyword of this podcast is happiness. Success is happiness.

Niki DeMar: 1:19:35

Yeah, like being successful with a family. Like when I was younger, I used to see my parents want to work hard to provide and give us really nice things and that's how they saw success because of how they were raised. But when I see success with a family, I see everyone being able to wear their hearts on their sleeves, not being scared to say who they are, be who they want. No walking on egg shells. I don't wanna put my kid in time out and make them feel ashamed for crying. I wanna ask what's wrong and let's like dig into the emotions of what's going on. We were raised, everyone was raised, our generation. Like when you're crying time out, but it's like but why were you? What was going on? Like, and then we're raised to shut it, the fuck up and just, or we'll get punished.

Austin Seltzer: 1:20:23

For sure. Actually having to sit down and explore that would be so much more healthy. I wanna say that I think that it's really beautiful that it sounds like this new queer. I guess era of your life that's starting right now is beautiful because what we were talking about is going back to your childhood self, and your seven year old self is looking at you right now and thinking, oh my God, like I wasn't wrong. I wasn't wrong for being obsessed with somebody on America's Next Top Model, which is I mean, it's so innocent. There was no filter on that thought. It was only until after.

Niki DeMar: 1:21:11

It's all making sense.

Austin Seltzer: 1:21:13

That's beautiful.

Niki DeMar: 1:21:14

Yeah, as you remember, back in the day where like people used to use like queer derogatory terms as jokes.

Austin Seltzer: 1:21:23

Oh yeah.

Niki DeMar: 1:21:24

That was like very normalized in such a gross way like in 2006.

Austin Seltzer: 1:21:29

Absolutely Like you're blank.

Niki DeMar: 1:21:30

Stop being a blank. I just remember being like I am blank. Oh no. And then I just like head.

Austin Seltzer: 1:21:38

It was used in every other sentence. I felt like Yep. I'm so glad that most people are socially aware of that now, and for those who aren't, I hope that they're put in an environment where they're shown that that's just not cool because it hurts other people.

Niki DeMar: 1:22:00

I would love queerness to be and I think this is the track we are on. I would love to see, in the next 10 years, mommy and mommy and daddy and daddy being way more, way more normal in like conservative areas of the country and like I don't know, I would love to see coming out as not even being a thing. Why the heck does somebody have to be like I'm gay? Yeah, because that puts a visual on people's heads right away Like it's embarrassing, like when I was dating boys in high school I didn't have to sit my mom and dad down and say I like blank Right, like that's awkward, it's like your intimate sexual preference is nobody's business at all and it's kind of gross to have to tell like your parents, like I want to do this in the bedroom, like that's no, and I just I don't understand the concept of coming out. I think if we're gonna be like that, both parties need to come out. We need to have straight people be like I'm straight, I like vagina.

Niki DeMar: 1:23:12

Like if I'm to say it, you got to say it.

Austin Seltzer: 1:23:16

Very true.

Niki DeMar: 1:23:17

It's not fair.

Austin Seltzer: 1:23:20

I think the final point I want to make on this really is that it doesn't have to deal with who you want to be with in bed.

Niki DeMar: 1:23:28

Well, it's love.

Austin Seltzer: 1:23:30

It's love.

Niki DeMar: 1:23:31

But love always has intimacy. It does so even though you're saying I love this person, and it should be more comfortable saying that when you're coming out, there's always going to be a visual. Everybody has sex.

Austin Seltzer: 1:23:45

That's like the pinnacle of if we've reached like so and so with my partner and the mind doesn't go like I mean like visualization in bed, then we've made it.

Niki DeMar: 1:23:55

You see a pregnant teacher and you're like she had sex. Like when I was in like fifth grade I was like oh. Oh, my God Like you can't escape it, it's everywhere. It's human nature, we're born to do it. But it's like I think, like it's just a little uncomfy with, especially relatives Like I. Just that's probably something I struggled with the most. I just didn't, I got like I didn't want to give people a visual, you know. But now when I sit and talk about it, people probably are getting a visual.

Austin Seltzer: 1:24:29

Yeah, the chicken or the egg.

Niki DeMar: 1:24:31

The human imagination is incredible, absolutely. It's like picturing everyone in your class naked, like it just happens.

Austin Seltzer: 1:24:40

Write that down. With that being said, nikki, it was freaking awesome having you on as my first guest. This was this was. It was so simple, the conversation flowed so easily and now we know how similar we are. It's pretty shocking and also awesome.

Niki DeMar: 1:25:05

I know like after this we have to like for sure, hang out. I'm so down this is going to continue after the podcast.

Austin Seltzer: 1:25:11

For sure when you do to move to LA and I can be one of the people in your little social bubble.

Niki DeMar: 1:25:17

Yes.

Austin Seltzer: 1:25:18

Unless you're doing a 5 am crazy bus party thing, Cause you know like my asleep self will live vicariously somehow through that experience.

Niki DeMar: 1:25:28

But Not me like texting you at midnight last night. You're probably sound asleep, wrapped up in your bed.

Austin Seltzer: 1:25:34

I actually was, do not disturb us on, but.

Niki DeMar: 1:25:37

I just started using that, and that's on self care.

Austin Seltzer: 1:25:40

Oh yeah, mine at 930 at night goes automatically on.

Niki DeMar: 1:25:44

I need to learn how to do that.

Austin Seltzer: 1:25:46

I'll show you.

Niki DeMar: 1:25:46

Yes, let's do it before I leave, cause, like I, that's boundaries, that's we can end it there. Like I, self care is boundaries and I've learned while ruining my life that the people that benefited the most was when I didn't understand that I could have boundaries. And they like took and took and took. And people will take when you're a good person and when you're nice, when you're an empath and your people pleaser. And I just want like the last message, like success will come when you find your happiness. And to find your happiness, you gotta like maybe ruin your life and by saying ruin your life, it's listening to you and nobody else, because you're ruining your life in their eyes, not yours.

Austin Seltzer: 1:26:31

I love that. What a great last message.

Niki DeMar: 1:26:33

Thank you.

Austin Seltzer: 1:26:34

Thank you so much.

Niki DeMar: 1:26:35

Thanks for having me. Guys definitely like subscribe. Follow grounds for success and he's gonna really pop off, I feel it.

Austin Seltzer: 1:26:45

I hope to change some lives or just be able to touch a lot of them with some cool stories from cool guests.

Niki DeMar: 1:26:52

Hell yeah.

Austin Seltzer: 1:26:53

Hell yeah.

Niki DeMar: 1:26:54

Hell yeah, and on that I think I may have to pee a second time from my coffee.

Austin Seltzer: 1:27:07

All right. So now that you have listened or watched this episode, I'm sure that there are so many different things that you have taken mental note of on how you can implement into your life. I certainly have. I have a little note pad in front of me that I have all sorts of notes on Nikki is a wealth of knowledge, but there's a few that I wanna highlight here. One of the big ones I loved Rune your Life. I mean she wrote that on the chalkboard. She created an album named After this.

Austin Seltzer: 1:27:38

It's Rune my Life, and this concept of just inviting chaos into your life and really getting out of the safe and comfortable kind of daily routine will allow you to create new, different, novel ideas that wouldn't just typically come up in your mind. You have to shake things up a bit so that you don't get too much in a rut of continuing to make the same thing or any creative field it's the same. Just shake things up, not be mixing or working on this podcast or filling every little gap with something. I'm sure this resonates with you, but just hearing from Nikki, the traveling that she has done, the moments that she gives herself to just breathe and be out of content creation, allows her to come back to the table with just more passion and just overall love and energy and everything that you could put into a craft that allows her to go as hard as possible. It's not possible without those little breathers. Another big takeaway resonates with me I kind of mentioned it in the last point but traveling. Now I think that this actually kind of encompasses the Rune your Life as well. I took a four month trip at one point in 2017 and just being able to see the world through different perspective, through different eyes, through different food and culture and ways of living allows us to come back to whatever we're creating with such a fresh perspective. I mean, it really does encompass the Rune your Life and pausing to take a breather, but particularly traveling, is just a huge thing. So if you're listening or watching this, maybe this is the sign that you need to book that trip, or to do that little weekend getaway or that little road trip or anything that gets you out of the place that you live daily, the cycle that you're in daily. Maybe this is the sign you needed, and I thought it was special that for Nikki and pretty much every guest that I've had on, this is a very common theme at this point. If you're watching, I've recorded about 12 episodes now, or I have, and almost every single person says that success to them is just being happy, and happiness is to different people different things, but for her, it's creating things that feel like hers and that gives her power. It gives her this feeling of I actually made and owned this thing and that's happiness to her, and I thought that that was beautiful and I thought that I should bring that up and let you know that.

Austin Seltzer: 1:30:39

Thanks for listening to the Grounds for Success podcast. I wanna thank all of the people who work on this podcast and help me out. My team is everything to me and without them I couldn't bring these to you every single week. I couldn't post on social media with all the clips that we have, and so I thank you guys so much. I wanna also thank all of my clients on the Mixing and Mastering side, because without you, I could not have Grounds for Success. So thank you so much. If you're enjoying the Grounds for Success podcast, please follow, like and subscribe on whichever platform you're listening or watching on. It helps us out a ton and I wanna keep getting this content to you in whichever way you listen or watch.