58. Symbiotic Relationships: Your Allies, Mentors, and Sponsors

“A mentor is someone who allows you to know that no matter how dark the night, in the morning, joy will come. A mentor is someone who allows you to see the higher part of yourself when something becomes hidden to your own view.” This quote from Oprah Winfrey starts off today's episode all about being an ally, a mentor, and a sponsor in your professional and your personal life. 

Quick! Who's one woman that mentored you and supported you in your life, either in your career or in your personal life? Your homework this week is to thank her in some way, shape or form. Either telling her thank you if she's still available to you, or figuring out a way to honor what she gave you. 

This episode is all about cultivating allies, mentors, and sponsors. I share what has worked for me and a few things that were epic fail.

Transcript

“A mentor is someone who allows you to know that no matter how dark the night, in the morning, joy will come. A mentor is someone who allows you to see the higher part of yourself when something becomes hidden to your own view.” This quote from Oprah Winfrey starts off today's episode all about being an ally, a mentor, and a sponsor in your professional and your personal life. 
 
 

Welcome to the Modern Creative Woman podcast, exploring the art and science of creativity. This is the podcast for women who want to elevate their creativity and start applying creative thinking in their everyday life. I'm your hostess and creativity expert, Dr. Amy Backos. The modern creative woman is obsessed with helping you build your creativity through her conversations and creative insights. I'll share simple tricks and practices that can help you take the mystery out of the creative process and start each day feeling empowered, creative, and ready to take on whatever comes your way. Let's get started. 

Quick! Who's one woman that mentored you and supported you in your life, either in your career or in your personal life? Your homework this week is to thank her in some way, shape or form. Either telling her thank you if she's still available to you, or figuring out a way to honor what she gave you. I want to give you some ways that you can network, cultivate helpful relationships that give you what you need to continue. And at the end, I'll share some really creative ways that I've enjoyed mentoring and be being mentored. But first, let's start with some definitions. There's allies, mentors, and sponsors. And as women, we need all three of them. And it's not just to help us advance. It's to be part of community and connect with other women. It's self-care for you, and it's giving back to your community. Now, an ally is someone who really proactively supports you and helps you with your goals. It's often, you know, a colleague or a coworker in a similar job title, so it might be someone you graduated with. It could be someone who's doing a similar job or someone you used to work with. And you respect each other. You just know each other's professional goals and aspirations, and you trust them to review your work or help you out. If you're in a bind and they'll speak positively on your behalf and you will do the same for them. Your ally is, you know, part advocate, part cheerleader, and, you know, part person pushing you to be your best. 

A mentor, on the other hand, are people who are your really trusted advisors. They're more experienced than you are. They're often a few levels ahead of you or a few years older than you, or many years older than you. And in that relationship, they set aside specific time to give you advice on your career, your work. And they're the people that really bring their wealth and knowledge to help you with your career. And early in my career, I had some amazing mentors who really took the time to share their expertise with me and helped me grow. And they're women that I meet with a couple times a month. Still a true mentor really has your best interest at heart, and they're invested in you. 

Finally, there are sponsors, and these are really like a career champion for you. And they go take great strides to be your public relations person and they'll help you find new opportunities. But really, they are people who are very instrumental in propelling you to the next level. And you don't necessarily know what they're doing. Their job is really between themselves and the other people in the field or in your office. They're advocating for you, and sponsors really choose you based on a positive impression that you've made upon them. Some kind of interaction where they see that you would be a good fit and they are willing to advocate for you. We don't always know when we have sponsors, and I think there have been people who've sponsored me that maybe didn't necessarily like me, but they advocated for me because they saw what I could bring to the table. 

So that level of relationship isn't necessarily close. It could be, but it's someone who recommends others, um, that check you out or hire you. And I've certainly had people advocate in different ways that I should go meet someone, that they're advocating for this student or this writer. And it's very encouraging. And when it's people I trust and they're recommending someone, I don't have tobe worried. You know, they've really vetted that person and they can make a strong recommendation. I started thinking about how long I've been mentored, and I think it's been, you know, like 35 plus years And about 25 years ago, I started doing supervision for our therapists. And I've been supervising art therapists and marriage and family therapists and licensed professional clinical counselors and psychologists, and doing that in a more formal kind of way for supervision. But that always includes a certain amount of mentoring and career coaching. There's things that worked for me. And things that didn't. So let me start there and you can see if any of this fits for you. 

Let me tell you some things that I've done for mentors. I have knit for a mentor who was a knitter. I made art for a mentor who is an art therapist. You see what I'm getting at? I wrote letters to people who were writers. I really offer my reflection of them in these ways. You don't have to literally provide them with an object, but it is a great metaphor for being able to relate to someone that you're hoping can guide you and give you some support, and it is a slow build up of a relationship. We don't just meet someone and say, Will you mentor me? We get to know someone and it usually happens naturally. They want to support you. 

Other things I've done that I think have worked really well is I followed some aspect of their advice, and then I reported back how it worked for me, and I was actually advised that this is a great way to be a mentee. Go back and tell them what you did and if it worked. I really worked on being as open and non defensive as I can over time, because sometimes it's hard to hear feedback that is pointing at some spot where you need to improve. I've made sure to give my mentors credit when they've helped me. I've gone back and thanked them. I've sent them business. I've referred people to them for their work. And I volunteered to help them. You know, just making myself available if they needed something. Now, those are the things on the outside. But let me tell you what I've done that I think really helped me be prepared to receive mentorship. 

First, I've done my own therapy work and I've done a lot of it, and I have a realistic expectation of what mentoring can offer. I don't expect it to be something that will change me in the way that therapy will. I don't expect it to do the impossible for me or provide me with a job or a career. I have realistic expectations that this is a woman who's going to support me and encourage me and, you know, show me a path that might be right for me. I've also had to take accountability for myself and know that what I say and do is a reflection of me, and how I respond to it really matters it. We all have our reputation and how I respond. Matters to someone who might potentially want to mentor me. Another thing that I think is really important is to talk positively about others, to your mentor, to other people, and not do negative gossip because that gives us a bad reputation. Another aspect that is internal is working a lot on my own anti-racism. Being a part of an and anti-racism group. For a couple of decades I've been working with these women. It's also reading, educating myself, and making sure that I have a handle on my own biases. And I also ultimately had to check my own relationship with authority. We all have a relationship with authority, and it all comes down to doing a little bit of work on it. Valuing yourself enough, not resenting authority because they have authority, not being too formal or too deferential. Being respectful in a way that fits. 

Now here's some things that I could have done better. So in a mentorship relationship, I've gotten upset over a feedback and felt defensive about it. I've also decided at some points to be confused. What do you mean? I don't know what to do. Um, and that doesn't help. I think I've held too much formality around authority, and I, you know, kept myself sort of, uh, nervous too much in the beginning or just, like, a level of formality that wasn't necessary. And there's a space between formal and too casual, right? A mentor is not necessarily your friend. It's still a professional experience. It's not your therapist. And so figuring out that sweet spot is really, really important coming from the other side of things. I've been a mentor and been doing that for a really long time, and it's given me the opportunity to have. A balanced perspective on what I can offer, what feels like too much, knowing the limit of people that I can support. 

So let me give you some examples of things that I love in people that have approached me for just advice, or wanting to build a more of a relationship. And this is over several decades. So I'm kind of combining stories. I'm not talking about anyone in particular here. I love when people nod when I'm giving a lecture. It seems so simple. If they look at me and they nod their head, they stick out of the crowd and they're often the people that they also feel, um, a connection to me and I feel a connection to them. And we'll chat after a lecture or a presentation. I like when people make introductions where we share our relationships and our networks invite people along for different occasions. I love hearing good gossip, especially at the university. A student would come in not very often, but they would come in and they'd really give praise to another student. And I thought, that's so special and unique. Not very many people did that. Something I really appreciate more than you can possibly imagine is when people show up on time. And when they show up in a way that's sort of appropriate to the situation. 

So I've gotten on calls where people were actually on their peloton taking this phone call that they asked to meet me from their peloton or they, you know, just got back from a run and, you know, didn't yet catch their breath even. And so, you know, giving the impression that they're interested or not, just like squeezing things in, I think would have helped me feel like my time was well spent with them. People who send a thank you note like, you know, a paper card in the mail, make an impression. All of the students who sent me thank you cards over the years for an interview, I think ended up getting in. And it's not only because of the Thank-You card, it's because of who they are. They're conscientious. It's just one of those things that people who are responsible and appreciative do send a thank you card. 

My parents are both teachers, and I remember at a very young age my dad saying, anytime you see a teacher out in the world away from school, go say hello. Tell them your name, which class you're in and ask how they're doing. And he said, I have so many students. I have, you know, 25 kids per five times a day for however many years he'd been teaching, he said, I need a reminder sometimes. And so I always did that and people would be so appreciative. It's awkward for someone to forget your name. So just introducing yourself each time. And it doesn't have to be so weird. You can say, hello, I'm so happy to see you. I remember last time we chatted about this and it just remind people your name and you know someone knows your name or not. But if you're running into someone that you're hoping to get to know, or a professor or someone at work that you don't know very well, just remind them it makes a huge difference. It lets them feel good and they can say, of course I remember your name, but then they won't be embarrassed to forget. 

Here's another that I think is quite special in someone showing up, kind of looking to make a connection or be mentored is that they are also mentoring others. And you might think, well, I don't know enough, who could I mentor? So you can always mentor someone. If you're in your first year of college, you can mentor a high school senior. If you're in high school, you can mentor someone in junior high. If you have been at the company six months, you can help with being an ally to someone who just arrived and started yesterday. There are areas where you have skill and you can offer value, and it doesn't have to be related to your career. It could be in any way that you allow yourself to give to others. It's being of service. Now, it might be that you're practicing being a mentor in really casual ways. You might say to someone, oh, could I offer you advice on this? Or I've been through this. Do you want to hear my version of, you know, what happened at work during this time period last year? You can volunteer to be of support. There are so many worthy organizations that need mentoring for kids, teenagers, transitional Aids, youth. That experience of being on both sides teaches us how to be a good mentee as well as a good mentor. It really is a symbiotic relationship. The mentor grows themself. By encouraging and supporting, and they learn a lot in that process. And the person being mentored is receiving support, and they are learning how to be in a complex professional relationship. I have a list of a few things that I would try and avoid. If you are out seeking a mentor. I've had people ask to meet with me saying that they want to learn how to do what I do. I thought, oh my gosh, that's a wild way to introduce yourself. Um, how could I possibly teach someone all that I do? So something specific is much more helpful. I would love to hear about when you went to art therapy school. Oh yeah, I can talk about that. But just something too broad is really difficult to orient myself towards. Like what exactly do they want to hear about? 

Another thing that I think is a challenge is if someone gives your name for a reference, but they don't tell you that they've done that. So if you're going to need some references, it's good to have people already in advance who have perhaps offered to be a reference for you. Or you can ask to be a reference for you, but always let them know. I'm wondering if I could use you and then when you do put their name down for a reference, just give them an email and say, here's my resume and here's the three jobs I applied for. I used you as a reference. Hope that's, um, enough information. Let me know if you have other questions that's so respectful. It's hard to get a phone call kind of caught unawares about someone when I don't have their resume in front of me, or a quick refresher. Another thing I think is, um, a simple thing to avoid is to not ignore the advice that someone gives you. Now you don't have to take it, but you could say, um, thank you. I think I need to go a different direction. What do you think about this idea? Or if they recommend a book, don't ignore that and come back again and say, what advice do you have? You know they. Look at the book and give some response. 

Of course, don't be a no show now. Life happens sometimes. There's accidents, there's emergencies. But don't be a no show. And don't forget the appointment. When someone has, you know, cleared their schedule for you, it's best to, you know, have a good calendar system and it's showing that you're responsible. 

You also want to, as I mentioned before, like know yourself pretty well, have gone to therapy, done your work, know about yourself in the world so that you're not oversharing or telling traumatic trauma stories. When that's not the purpose of the meeting, it's best to consider something that's more like strategic vulnerability. I never give an example of things that are just unresolved in my personal life, that that's not fair to the person who's supporting me, or we're talking about career, and I'm I want to give examples of where I've overcome something or I've thought about this. It's not a trauma trigger. It's just some examples of, you know, maybe an area where I'm struggling and need help, but it remember a mentorship is not therapy and so oversharing some of the places where we feel really stuck can, you know, cause some difficulty in the relationship. Some of the best advice I got was, well, do the work you need to do to move through this. And I thought, oh, that's, that's right. I brought it up and I got advice to, you know, take care of it in therapy or to take care of it in whatever realm of my life. I needed to work on it. And I can't just keep moving and confusion. 

I need to follow mentor's advice. If they identify an area where I seem stuck, or I need to do some art or writing about a topic, then I need to receive that feedback with, you know, the care that it is intended from a couple more areas that help you get the most out of your mentor mentee experience is to make sure that you've done enough research, like, I think, avoid asking questions that you could Google. I mean, if you could Google something about that person, that would be best to have a little bit of information instead of asking for. Something that's already widely available on the internet. You don't want to use someone's time that way. You want to create the most of the time together. 

And we have to be very careful with asking for proprietary information. I've worked very hard to create my business and my even just my forms, my intake assessments and the paperwork that I use for supervision and documentation and for anyone that I'm supervising who's opening a private practice, you know, I will offer. Do you want examples you can use? And it's challenging when people just ask for that information. And I don't have a relationship with them. I don't know what they're going to do with it. It's also I'm not invested in the relationship and they're asking for something that I've created. So be really careful with what you're expecting, asking, and how you imagine that having a mentor might feel because they can't get you a job, it can't get you a career. They can support you in becoming your very best. So when you have created a hospitable environment to be yourself mentored, you're more likely to get. The best of what mentoring involves. I want to give a little word of caution. There are some people who, because they don't trust themselves, seek a lot of input from a lot of people, and they have a series of people that they're often asking for help with, and then they're using that instead of making conscious choices. So you want to be really careful about having too many cooks in your kitchen, and you want to be really careful about how you're implementing advice, because people will give you conflicting ideas. And if you're moving down this path of clarity for yourself, adding in conflicting ideas will not serve you. I want to go back to the idea of talking about our experiences in a way that is, using someone to talk about our trauma or to make us feel better. And I've been at conferences where someone in the audience started sharing their trauma details, And that's different than I've overcome or something along those lines. But they share what their trauma was. And oftentimes the person says, well, it's so great. I can share these things now, but they don't realize that what they're sharing is, um, you know, perhaps uninvited or is going to be triggering to others, you know, in that audience. 

And so we have to be really careful with the level of intensity that we bring to conversations. If you find yourself socializing with your allies, mentors, and sponsors, please use discretion around what you share outside of an office setting. Don't overshare. Don't drink too much. All of those things really matter for building a strong, positive relationship with someone. Here are some really creative ideas for imagining what you can do as a mentor, perhaps as a sponsor, and as a mentee, because we need to have all of these relationships all throughout our life. And of course, we need our allies. If you have yet to identify yourself as a mentor to another woman. Now is the time you can help. So many people can't help so many people all at once, but there are many people who need your help and would benefit from your expertise. In any area where you have some experience, you can offer to mentor someone. And I would say that people that have mentored me asked me if that's what I wanted. That's the best way to go. And if you're already mentoring people, I want to challenge you to step up to the level of sponsoring someone. 

It really matters that we support other women. Certainly women who are looking to advance in some way. Women who are experiencing different degrees of discrimination in the workplace definitely need allies, mentors, and sponsors. When you step up as a sponsor, it's often that other person doesn't necessarily know that you're the sponsor. It's really been an encouraging kind of brand advocate for this person in a way that benefits you, your company. If you look around and you see that you're mentoring only a certain kind of person, um, like at a certain level in the field or only, um, everyone kind of looks the same. You really want to expand who you are supporting and getting support from. It benefits everybody to have a wide variety of perspectives in our lives. When you step up to sponsor someone. It's almost like acting as a publicist for them that this person's great and amazing. I think you would like to work with her and sharing that information with your network. 

Remember being a sponsors between you and your network. It's like doing good gossip about other women and seeing if you could connect them with someone who needs their job. They're hiring, you know, somebody who might. Be the perfect fit. It's a really beautiful way to support women. To think about how you could sponsor. Just being an advocate even when they're not there. My second idea is around self-care, and we can only mentor and support so many people at a time, and knowing really what your limits are. I supervise a certain number of students. I can't supervise everyone who asks. I supervise when it feels like a really good fit. What I have to offer fits with what they're looking for, and that we can both grow and benefit from that experience. 

You don't have to say yes to everyone who asks for your help, and it's okay if someone says no to you around mentoring you. They may be busy and they may have other responsibilities. They may have just really good boundaries and know what their limits are and what they can offer professionally. And finally, think realistically about what you would like from a mentor. And sometimes you can find it. You can join a group. You can join a therapy group, you can join a coaching group. You can find what you're looking for in a variety of places where you're like a consumer. You're looking for it in that way, and you can find it in more casual ways. It might be your supervisor at work, but not necessarily. They may be focused on getting the job done and not have the space to help support you in advancing your career. 

So here's where you can really get creative right about it/ Make some art about what your mentor and mentee relationship has been, and think about all the women who have supported you and encouraged you, and all the women that you have supported and encouraged. A mentoring relationship is in all the best ways, symbiotic, community oriented, inclusive. It allows us to grow and stretch in ways that we can feel really proud about. To encourage someone is a really wonderful experience. To receive criticism and know that it comes from love is also a really good experience. 

So whatever you're doing as an ally, you can support your colleagues, your past classmates. See if you can do a little bit more this week. Just 1% more for the couple of people that you feel allied with. If you are a mentor, figure out where you can be a sponsor to one of the people that you mentor. And if you are a mentee. Think about how you can enhance that relationship by giving to that relationship in a way that lets you know you are using the information. You can just provide that feedback and it helps your mentor know what's working for you, but it also gives them a lot of insight and satisfaction to know what you've tried or didn't try. Naturally, make art about it. Do let me know what you think. You can drop me a message in the show notes. You can find me on Instagram. @DrAmyBackos and I would love to hear about your mentoring experiences. It's a really special, profound opportunity to heighten your perception of community and support.

 Do you join me all through July inside the modern creative woman? We have the vibrant vision in action, so if you love that webinar, now's your time to take it to the next level. What can you do with your vision? And we will have an incredible month. There are three live classes, of course. You get the recording you can watch later comes with a new workbook. You'll get access to all the slides and of course all the modern Creative Women archives. I would love to see you inside the modern creative woman and think about how you can be mentored in the art and science of creativity. Have a wonderful rest of your week. 

Now that you know about how to use your creativity, what will you create? Want more? Subscribe to the Modern Creative Woman digital magazine. It's absolutely free and it comes out when someone and I know you can get a lot out of the podcast and the digital magazine. Yet when you're ready to take it to the next level and want you to know you have options inside the membership, and if you're interested in a private consultation, please feel free to book a call with me. Even if you just have some questions, go ahead and book a call. My contact is in the show notes and you can always message me on Instagram. Do come find me in the Modern Creative Woman on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest at Doctor Amy Backus. If you like what you're hearing on the Modern Creative Woman podcast, I want to give you the scoop on how you can support the podcast. You can be an ambassador and share the podcast link with three of your friends. You can be a community supporter by leaving a five star review. If you think it's worth the five stars, and you can become a Gold Star supporter for as little as $3 a month, all those links are in the show notes. Remember to grab your free copy of the 21 Day Gratitude Challenge. The link is in the show notes and you can find it at Modern Creative Women Comm. Have a wonderful week and I cannot wait to talk with you in the next episode.