Moments Etched On My Heart
A Broken and Contrite Heart
Barbara L’Italien, Guest Writer
Today’s Treasure
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51:17 ESV
Life can be hard! I was busy being a stay-at-home mom, wife, lover, housekeeper, church member, volunteer, nurse, pet sitter, etc. The list may seem endless for women as we try to fulfill all the things we need to accomplish in a given day!!
I did not embrace biblical womanhood graciously at first. As I moved forward in my relationship with Jesus, things from my past would creep up, including hurts from my childhood and embarrassing memories, which were sometimes haunting to think about. My father’s abandonment fueled doubts:
- To depend on my husband – how could I quit my job and have no income?
- My identity - who would I become without the fulfillment of a work environment?
- Trust factors - would my husband stay faithful to me?
- If I try hard to live the way the Bible teaches, can I protect my children from pain?
Slowly, God would help me work through my struggles. It might have been the comfort of a friend, wise words from a woman in the church, truths learned from a sermon, my husband’s words of help and encouragement, that moment in the car and the message from a radio program, words in a song at just the moment I needed them…. God provided so many touches to help me keep moving forward. It may have been three steps forward and two steps back at times, but I was inching my way in the right direction.
Then a bomb hit that shattered my world. Our pastor Chuck and his wife Sharon’s son was killed in a car accident. I could not grasp this happening to them. They gave their life to serving God. How could He take their son? Then the realization hit me: there is no absolute assurance that this could not happen to me and my children, no matter how hard I tried to honor God with my life. I struggled to shake this tragedy. Trying to be a support was hard, and witnessing their pain was awful.
The accident happened close to the time my mother-in-law passed away, and when our seventh child was born. I found myself retreating, using my new son’s birth as a reason to stay home. I became very reclusive. I rationalized that I had given a lot of myself to others and it was time to rest. What I did not realize is that withdrawing is one of my coping mechanisms.
Oh, but the picture I painted in my head. It was time to sit by a pond, where it was quiet and peaceful, looking at the wind blowing through the trees, just resting, resting, and resting some more. My reason to pull away from everyone became excuses that became lies. I began to see the pond for what it was: dirty, filled with bacteria and parasite-infested water. It caught up to me. God knew what was happening, and I needed to stop the lie. But how, how could God forgive me? I knew better. Then today’s Daily Treasure verse spoke to me from the pages of my Bible:
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
My heart was broken, my heart was aching for His forgiveness, and my repentance would not be despised or rejected by Him. On my knees, I cried to God to help me and He did. He replaced that gloomy pond with a picture of living water. I saw a stream, running over rocks, being purified and made to be refreshment to those who would taste and see that the Lord is good.
Psalm 51:17 is a verse I will always treasure as a “moment etched on my heart.”
LIFE-GIVING ENCOURAGEMENT
Is there something in your life that surfaces periodically, robbing you of a close, complete relationship with Jesus? Take heart – there is nothing you have done that He will not forgive. God sacrificed His Son, Jesus, so that the darkness of sin and death that looms as a shadow over us would be crushed forever. He is the only One you need to confess to, and He will forgive you. Let this song encourage you: Jesus Paid it All, Link to listen.