The Why and How Behind Prioritizing Yourself and Putting Yourself First

What if prioritizing your own needs isn't selfish but essential for your well-being? Let's discuss the misconception around self-care and self-love, and how it is not selfish but essential.  How can embracing self-love transform your life?

Chapters

• 0:01 The Importance of Self-Love
• 7:22 Nurturing Self-Love Through Daily Practices
• 18:55 Cultivating Self-Love Through Daily Practices
• 23:19 Embracing Personal Growth and Gratitude

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to Paradise Perspectives. I'm Rizal, the Traveling Island Girl, and I'm here to help you start living your best life, no matter where you're at, whether you're dreaming of traveling to exotic destinations, starting a business. Explore how to shift your mindset, find your purpose and take bold steps towards the life you deserve. So grab your favorite drink and let's dive into some real talk about living your best life, one sunny day at a time. Well, hey, girlfriend, how are you today? I mean really, how are you today? I mean really, how are you today? You know, I realized that we use this sentence or this question so often. We use it almost every day. Whenever we bump into somebody that we know, we go hey, how are you? Somebody calls you, you pick up the phone hey, how are you? But we rarely sit with that question and ask ourselves what that means to us. When somebody asks how are you today, and we go into that normal reply, we answer with I'm good, I'm okay, I'm fine, and if we're having a really good day, then it's I'm great. And then we ask the person how are you today? And so it goes. So it becomes part of the conversation, but we don't sit with that question and we never really take the time to ask that of ourselves. Sit with it for a second. Take this time, right now that you're listening to this, and ask yourself how am I doing today? And see what comes up for you, what comes up for you, feel those emotions. I want you to actually ask yourself that more often. That is something that I should start doing more often. So why don't we, you and I, promise each other right now that we're going to ask ourselves this question more often? How am I today? So it's something that just came up when I was preparing for this particular podcast episode and at first I thought, well, it doesn't really have to do a lot with the topic of conversation, but it really does.

Speaker 1: 2:21

So today's topic of conversation, by the way, is self-love, and when I say self-love, I don't mean the sexual kind, although that is completely normal and beautiful and great, you know, at times but I mean that self-love, that deeper self-love, that love yourself, that self-love. I love that word self-love. It should be it's two words, but I like it Anyway as one word self-love, I love it. You know, as women, I think we are so programmed to just give and give and give. We give everything to everyone else and we rarely give to ourselves.

Speaker 1: 3:00

Some of us were thought from very early on that selflessness means that you're a good girl and if you dare put yourself first for once, then you're called selfish. And selfish itself is such an ugly word and such a judgy word, isn't it? So much judgment in that word? And as women, when we grow up, nobody is more judgy than us. We can be so judgmental of other women. It is crazy, you know, especially moms. I'm not a mom, but I hear this all the time. If you're a mom and you spend a lot of time with your kids, then you are smothering them. If you spend less time with your kids, more with your girlfriends, then you're selfish. There goes that ugly word again, and I think over time we have made that word into a very uglier word too. We made it uglier than it was supposed to be. I think that's my opinion. So I googled it, I went online and I searched the word selfish and this is what came up.

Speaker 1: 4:13

The actual meaning of selfish is seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure or well-being, without regard for others. So today, you and I are going to be rebels. We're going to be selfish, because I think that being selfish is not only okay, it is crucial and it is necessary at times. So I'm giving you permission to be selfish today. Actually, you deserve to be selfish, you need to be selfish. We're just going to be seeking, concentrating on our own advantage, pleasure or well-being period Without harming anyone else. So that's what we're doing today. We're going to be selfish, we're going to be pouring into our own cup.

Speaker 1: 5:00

How many times haven't you heard that phrase? You cannot pour out of an empty cup. And you know that phrase is so much more than just a beautiful inspirational quote that was just put together by you know great little words. And then you get that expression. It is so much deeper and it is the truth. You cannot pour out of an empty cup, just like a car cannot drive on an empty tank, and you, my honey bun, you, my darling, you, my good friend, cannot function on empty either. So by being selfish, we are going to keep our cups full. That's what we're doing. We're going to keep our cups full so that we can continue to pour and pour and pour, like we so are used to doing. You know they say that in airplanes all the time. Put on your own oxygen mask before you put it on your fellow passenger. And that's very simple. If you don't put on your oxygen mask first, you are going to pass out and then guess what you won't be able to help anybody else anyway. So you might as well put on your own oxygen mask first.

Speaker 1: 6:13

So how I do self-love, or how I practice self-care, is by traveling solo. To me, that is the ultimate way of practicing self-care. I love it. I love putting together the trip, I love putting the money aside every month, you know, to grow that money and see it grow, and then looking at a calendar to see the days go by and finally the day reaches and then you get on that plane and then you get to your end destination and you're like soaking it all in is my way of cultivating self-love. And you might have a different way. You can have a spa day, for instance. A spa day is great. A bath with bath bombs, you know, bubble bath, a massage, manicure and pedicure. I sometimes go to my favorite French bakery on the French side and I have myself that pastry that I know goes straight to my hips, but I need it then and that gives me joy when I eat it, and that is another act of self-love or self-care. It is priceless, isn't it? That is my way of pouring into myself, so this is what I want to do together.

Speaker 1: 7:22

Also, we are going to set one day out of the week that we are going to dedicate to ourselves. It can be a half a day, it can be a full day. You know, I know, we're all busy people. So if you only have a half a day to do this, then go ahead. Only half a day will do. But if you go ahead Only half a day will do. But if you have a full day, then definitely just soak in that whole full day and just fill it up with self-care, things that you can do for yourself. We are going to dedicate a day out of the week, every single week. We are going to dedicate a day to ourselves, and whatever brings us joy, whatever fills us up, we are going to do it that day. Okay, promise. So here's the thing, though Self-care is not the only way to cultivate self-love.

Speaker 1: 8:10

We women are complex beings, to say the least. We are mothers, we are sisters, we are wives, we are friends, we're givers, and I believe that, therefore, we need a little bit more than just a great spa day and a massage and a beautiful nail polish on our toes. We need to appreciate ourselves also and value ourselves, and I think that is those are really important components of self-love too. Another thing that we were taught as little girls were that we were good girls when we did something right in the eyes of our parents. My dad, for example. What was important to him was education. So whenever we came home with a good report card, we were rewarded and in my case, I would get a hug from my dad and he would tell me I'm a good girl and that hug meant the world to me, because my father was a very emotionless man. I mean, he never carried his emotions on his sleeves. He would never show any emotions whatsoever. It was a typical Caribbean man. So you know, he was never shown love when he was growing up either. So how am I gonna expect from him to be able to give it to me? He couldn't. He just didn't know how, and I wish I came to this realization before he passed away, because that would have made our relationship so much better. But you know, alas, we I came to that realization only after.

Speaker 1: 9:39

But what I want to say with that, that as women, when we grew up, that we are good girls and then that equals love, then we have a problem, because guess what we do? And that's exactly what I did. I looked for love, validation, respect. Everywhere else, it was always in the external. I was chasing love in all of my relationships. I was a sex goddess. When I needed to be one, I was a good chef or cook. When I needed to be one, I was a good girl. Every single time I was a great cheerleader. I was instrumental in him building his business, always putting him first, because I thought you know that if I can give all of that love and all of that admiration to somebody, then of course I'm going to get equal parts back right? That's how you're going to get love. If you give love, you get love in return. Isn't that what we were taught? But here's the thing of expectations Expectations often lead to disappointments, and that's exactly what happened. What happened so?

Speaker 1: 10:44

When I found myself suddenly on my healing journey after a heartbreak this last big heartbreak is when I started going deeper into my personal journey, my healing journey and etc. And I realized that loving yourself is what you need to do. That is where you're going to get the love, validation and respect that you're looking for. It's not in the external, it is coming from within. You know, I stumbled on a video recently, one of those short videos on TikTok. I mean, who knew TikTok could be so educational? This video, this guy said go within so you can go without. And I thought that was such a beautiful and perfect way of saying that Go within so you can go without. Meaning, give yourself that love, that validation, that respect that you're looking for, and then you do not have to look for it in the external. Isn't that just awesome way of saying it? Right, don't chase love. Because that's what happens when you chase anything you repel it, you push it further away from you.

Speaker 1: 11:49

So today we're going to tell ourselves we love ourselves, and I do that in the mirror all the time. Even if there are people in the bathroom with me, I still still say I look at myself deep in the eyes and I say I love you. And that's another thing that I don't know about your childhood, but in my way of growing up in the Caribbean way, we were never okay with saying I love myself, because if you love yourself, that meant you're self-obsessed and you're self-observed and you're narcissistic and you're no good, you're selfish. There's that ugly word again. You know when people look at you like who she thinks she is, when you say I love myself. But I dare you to do that today. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself I love you, I love myself, I really do.

Speaker 1: 12:38

Something magical really happens when you start loving yourself. It makes you choose yourself in situations when you are not an option. Listen to that line again Self-love makes you choose yourself in situations where you are probably not an option, and I thought that's so, so, so important to share with you. Today. I came up with that and I was like, wow, breakthrough. So another thing about self-love is also that it means setting boundaries, saying no, sometimes, that's okay. Say no sometimes, that's okay. Say no it's another way of putting yourself first. You need to set those healthy boundaries, so, so important. So we already talked about self-care as being one of the ways that you can cultivate self-love, and you know telling yourself I love myself or I love you in the mirror, and you know all of that that we already mentioned. But another way that you can cultivate self-love is by meditation, and I know I speak about meditation a lot because it has changed my life and I know it's going to change yours as well.

Speaker 1: 13:55

It is not for everyone. I get it, and it is cringy in the beginning because you need to sit there with yourself in silence and that is very, very hard when you're new to it. It feels cringy, doesn't it? Just like it feels cringy when you tell yourself in the mirror I love myself or I love you better, believe me, it not only gets better, it gets like to me.

Speaker 1: 14:22

Now it is an essential part of my morning routine. I cannot do without meditation. I feel like my day is not complete if I don't do a meditation, and sometimes I do skip it because, let's be honest, we are busy people and sometimes it just doesn't happen. But I try to do this every single morning for 10 minutes. If I can't do it for 10 minutes, if I have a lot to do, then I do it five minutes, and if it's on a Sunday and I don't have anything on the agenda, then I do it for 20, 30 minutes. But I make sure to put priority on meditation because meditation helps you find clarity and peace and ease into your life and I know it's hard to sit with yourself alone for a while. A lot of people find it very difficult at first, but it is essential. It is essential and I think it is such a routine that can be so helpful when you're trying to cultivate self-love.

Speaker 1: 15:16

Another one is positive self-talk and affirmations. Positive self-talk is so important. Be careful of what you think of yourself, how you talk to yourself, how you think about yourself and to yourself. Why is that important? If I walk up to you and I tell you you're stupid, you're not going to take it, so why are you taking it from yourself? It is that simple. We do that all the time. You send out an email to your boss and there's a typo in it and you tell yourself I'm so stupid, don't do that, because this is the thing with the way you talk about and to yourself. It has a way of becoming a belief and then it becomes the truth, and we don't want that. You want to be careful of how you think about yourself and how you talk about and to yourself. Okay, positive self-talk helps you see yourself in a more positive light and it is so important.

Speaker 1: 16:07

Affirmations is another way of reminding yourself that you're good, you're a good girl, yes, you are positive affirmations. I do those and these are simply defined, simple to find, by the way. You just go on youtube and you can find five minute meditations, 10 minute meditations or 15, 20, 30 minute meditations if you want to. But you can also find positive affirmations for women. It's things like you know that you just put out there, you put it for play and then it tells you to repeat. And then you repeat sentences like I am good enough, I am am enough, I am worthy, I am loved, I am beautiful, I am successful, I am an amazing person. Those are all positive affirmations that you can do on a daily basis if you have to.

Speaker 1: 17:02

There's a lot of people out there that do not believe in affirmations, but I totally do, and even if you do it for a little while, especially in the beginning, it's a great way to just keep repeating these words to yourself until you start believing it. All right, until they become the truth for you. It's really important I still do them today. Even two years later, I'm still doing positive affirmations, especially when I'm not feeling my best. So remember your thoughts determine your emotions. Your emotions determine your actions. Your actions determine your results. Positive thoughts and self-talk and what you listen to are crucial.

Speaker 1: 17:45

Speaking of what you listen to, I gotta congratulate you for listening to this podcast, because this is telling me that you are interested in becoming a better person. You are ready for it and that's great, because a lot of people are not. You know what I used to do when I was in the midst of my depression and I was riddled with anxiety. What I used to do was watch crime shows and listen to crime show podcasts all the time, because that means that somebody out there is having a worse day than I am. It's just so terrible and I'm known. I'm not talking bad about crime shows. If you want to walk, if you want to look at crime shows, then fine. But here's the thing that happens when you start, um, really going within and loving yourself more and giving yourself much appreciate, more appreciation, etc. And you start to value yourself more, something happens and those crime shows are become less and less important. I mean, I still indulge every now and then, but I try not to as often and I don't want to anymore either. Sometimes I don't even watch TV anymore because I'm so absorbed with everything that's going on within myself.

Speaker 1: 18:55

So listen to good podcasts that are good for your self-growth, for your self-healing. That is also another way that you can cultivate self-love. It's just important to listen to positive things, you know. Another way is self-forgiveness, or another. I should say, not another way, but just another thing that you should add onto your list of things to do to cultivate self-love, self-forgiveness. The same example again you send out an email to your boss and it had a huge typo in it.

Speaker 1: 19:37

Forgive yourself. It's not the end of the world. It's okay. You yell at your kids this morning. It's okay. Forgive yourself. You curse somebody in traffic, forgive yourself. It's so important to show compassion for yourself and not only for other people all the time. Self-compassion is so powerful.

Speaker 1: 20:07

Another thing is gratitude. I mean, I speak about this all the time, and I had one episode that was completely dedicated to gratitude. Gratitude is so freaking important because it is one of the most important practices. I think it uplifts your spirit and it allows you to see things in a more positive light. So gratitude reminds us of what we have, not of what we lack. That's what I love about practicing gratitude every day. You can do that in your meditation in the morning, or you can do that in the evening before you go to bed, you write down everything that you're grateful for. Gratitude is so, so freaking important.

Speaker 1: 20:47

Another thing is to embrace compliments. How many times doesn't somebody tell you hey, you look great and you're like this whole thing. Oh, I got it on sale, it was a bargain, I only paid $10 for it. Why do we do that? Instead of just saying thank you, you know, say to that person thank you, I accept it. I accept that compliment, take it in. Somebody is trying to acknowledge you, accept it, say thank you, that's it Period, you know. Also, remember that by not accepting a compliment, you are not only denying yourself the pleasure of having that compliment, but you are also denying the person who is giving it to you the joy of that generosity, of that gift. You're denying them that joy. So accept it, say thank you, don't brush it off.

Speaker 1: 21:40

Okay, I want to briefly remind you that, especially when it comes to meditation, I have a meditation membership and there's so much more that comes into it. It's not only meditation every month, but it's so much more. There are also webinars that are all about personal growth and travel, because you know that's what I do as a travel and transformation coach. I got to remind myself that I'm a travel person as well, not just a transformation coach now. So my Transform to Thrive tribe and my Fearless Transformation coaching program is all available for you, so I'm going to leave links in the notification or what do you call it In the show notes. After you listen to this show, you can go and click on these links and see if that is something for you. Then we get to meditate together and grow together and become amazing humans together. Okay, so that was it.

Speaker 1: 22:40

Actually, the embracing compliments was the last thing on my list that I wanted to share with you on how to cultivate self-love. I am so grateful for you to taking the time to listen to this episode today, because self-love is not only important, it is crucial. It is really crucial. And I want to remind you of one other thing too. I am not a doctor, okay. I'm just a woman who has gone through her share of shit and I decided to finally do something about it. And then, with everything that I learned on my own journey, I now decided to share it. So take with you what resonates and leave what doesn't. All right.

Speaker 1: 23:19

So we all know personal growth is not for everyone. Only a few dare to step into the pain that comes out of when you're starting to heal, and then you know to get to the other side of pain, you need to feel through it. So I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to to this episode. Again, I'm repeating myself here, but thank you and happy thanksgiving if you're stateside, by the way, since we're talking about gratitude and being thankful for things, it tells me that you are one of the few that dare to face what needs to be faced to become the person that you're supposed to be, that better woman, that amazing human that you can be. Have a great day, I guess, is all that I can say. You are amazing. I just want to remind you of that. Like our good friend Jerry Springer always says, says take care of you and take care of others. My name is Rizal, the traveling island girl on social media, and this was the Paradise Perspectives podcast. Thank you for listening.