The Survival Kit for the Broken Hearted during the Holidays

Facing the holidays right after a breakup can feel like walking through a storm without an umbrella. But I'm here to tell you that 1. You are not alone and 2. There are ways to survive the festive season even when you're not feeling very merry.

PS
I am not a doctor. I am just a woman who has gone through her share of healing and personal growth and is eager to share what she knows with you.

Happy Holidays.

Paradise Perspectives will be taking a break for the holidays and will return in January 2025.

Chapters

• 0:01 Surviving Heartbreak During the Holidays
• 12:54 Navigating the Holidays After Heartbreak
• 20:50 Embracing Hope After Heartbreak

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to Paradise Perspectives. I'm Rizal, the Traveling Island Girl, and I'm here to help you start living your best life, no matter where you're at, whether you're dreaming of traveling to exotic destinations, starting, we'll explore how to shift your mindset, find your purpose and take bold steps towards the life you deserve. So grab your favorite drink and let's dive into some real talk about living your best life, one sunny day at a time. Hey, hey, my friend, and welcome back to another episode of Paradise Perspectives, the podcast, to inspire you, empower you and help you live your best life. And all of that coming from the perspective of an island girl who loves life and loves to travel. Because, after all, what is life without the ability to explore and discover? Am I right? All what is life without the ability to explore and discover, am I right? So this episode finds me in cold and gray Belgium, where I suddenly found myself. I took a plane and decided last minute to spend the holidays with my family. My mom's getting older, she can use all the help that she can get and, to be honest, I don't know how many more Christmases we will have together. So I decided to braise the cold and be here with my siblings and my mom for the holidays, which I'm actually quite looking forward to.

Speaker 1: 1:41

This episode here is for the broken heartedhearted, and it is an episode that I've been wanting to share with you, my friend, for a very, very long time. So if you are currently going through a divorce, a breakup or a separation of some kind, this episode is for you, and I hope you keep on listening until the end. And if you're not, then good for you. If you have a goody-goody life and everything is hunky-dory and you're with the love of your life, still keep on listening anyway, because you never know of what all you can learn in this episode, and better yet, maybe you have a friend who is going through a breakup right now and what you will hear in this episode, what you will learn, may come in handy in you supporting that friend. Even better, why not share this episode with them and let them know that you are there for them whenever they need you to? So we are officially fully in the holiday season and if you're finding yourself suddenly unattached this time of year, it can feel really, really hard.

Speaker 1: 2:51

My own intense heartbreak happened of all days. It happened on our 20th anniversary, which happens to be a month before Christmas. So my first Christmas without my husband was devastatingly painful, to say the least, even if things had been really bad between us for some time before the separation actually happened. I can tell you that my heart felt like it was broken in little pieces, and I guess that's where the word heartbroken or brokenhearted comes from. It literally felt like my heart broke in pieces. It was a pain so intense that I can hardly describe it, and those who are going through it right now know what I'm talking about. That pain is so great that it feels almost like you cannot breathe. It feels like it should kill you, but it doesn't.

Speaker 1: 3:51

And you go on to wake up another day and the day after that and the day after that, and the world around you continues to function like everything is normal and you are expected to be normal as well. You're expected to still wake up in the morning, put on your clothes and go to bed I mean, go to work, sorry and while all you want to do is really stay in bed and hope that you don't have to come out from underneath the covers. That's what it feels like, or at least that's how it was like for me. Family and friends will come up and they'll tell you everything's gonna be okay and this too shall pass and you'll feel better, you'll see, but all you want to do is you want to scream at them when, how, when, though? When? When am I going to stop feeling this pain? And honey, I hate to say it, but they are right. I am not here to sugarcoat anything. So I'm going to tell you how to survive the holidays like a champ, but here's the thing. You're probably not going to like what I have to tell you.

Speaker 1: 5:00

But first, before we get into it, let me say this I've been where you are the person who you thought was you forever turned your tub of ice cream. I don't know. It sounds very familiar. Actually, now that I'm saying it, it is. I think I've done that a couple of times, you know, right after the separation. It is all part of it, though, but at one point or another, you're going to have to get up, you're going to have to dust yourself off, and you're going to have to adjust your crown, like the queen that you are. You hear me? Because here's the thing. Like I said before, your friends and family are right. You will get over this. Things will get better, but sitting in your misery is not the way to get there. It's not gonna help you in the long run.

Speaker 1: 6:11

I remember sitting in my friend's apartment after I decided to leave the home that I shared with my husband, and I was googling and I was also typing it in YouTube what is the fastest way to get over a broken heart? And I can tell you. I went deep into that rabbit hole, video after video, and here's the thing every little one of them was saying something different. So I'm gonna tell you what worked me, so you don't have to go down that rabbit hole yourself. Okay, first of all, the only way to get over anything yes, even that immense and deep pain that is in your heart right now, even that immense pain of a broken heart. The only way to get over it is to go right through it. I told you you're not going to want to hear what I have to tell you, you're not going to like it, but it is the only way You're not going to get over anything.

Speaker 1: 7:17

If you don't feel the emotions and the feelings that come up, I know all you want to do is desperately try to avoid feeling this way. It is human nature. It is what we were taught to do as well to get over things. Don't feel it, ignore it, but guess what? They will keep coming up until you deal with them. So the best and easiest and fastest take it from me way for you to get over the pain of a broken heart is to feel the emotions that come up, acknowledge them, notice them, feel them, because they are there to tell you something, the only thing, things that I have learned, by the way, living on an island that is impacted by hurricanes every so often, the only way to survive a storm is to go through it, because a lot of us don't have the chance to escape it. So you cannot escape this either.

Speaker 1: 8:20

These feelings and these icky feelings and emotions. You're going to have to deal with them. Either, these feelings and these icky feelings and emotions, you're gonna have to deal with them. You're gonna have to go straight through them. Believe me, every time you do so, you're gonna start feeling a little better, and a little better and a little better, and before you know it, you are gonna be smiling again, you're gonna be laughing at jokes and you're gonna feel actual joy in your heart, and it's okay if that joy and that happiness is felt at the same time that you're going to feel actual joy in your heart, and it's okay if that joy and that happiness is felt at the same time that you're also feeling grief and sadness. It's part of the game, it is all part of it. So don't repress the feelings that come up. Feel them, acknowledge them, let them watch over you. And something that can help you deal with a wave of emotions that are going to come up is journaling. Write down all of those icky feelings, but don't only write down the terrible things that you're feeling the sadness, the anger, the hate, the whatever. Also write down the joys, the happy moments. Write down about a good thing that happened in your life that day. It helps to write things down. It helps you deal with them. It helps you feel them.

Speaker 1: 9:38

Another way is to reflect, sit in stillness. This is actually the time when I was trying to get over the pain that I was feeling. When I was trying to get over that, the one thing that I discovered was meditation. When I was trying to get over that, the one thing that I discovered was meditation. That was one of those YouTube videos that actually said that you should meditate. So I was like what do I have to lose? Let's try it. I was just willing. I was desperate enough to try anything at that point, so I tried meditation and guess what it was awful that first time I tried meditation and guess what? It was awful that first time. It was really uncomfortable because I've never sat with my emotions and I never sat in stillness before, but it did help and it does help to this day. Meditation for me, was key. So I ask you, my friend, what do you have to lose? Try it.

Speaker 1: 10:35

Meditation, sitting in stillness to reflect on the things that you're feeling and the things that come up with you, is crucial, it is essential and it is helpful. Next thing you're going to want to do is you are going to want to create new traditions, and this is perhaps a very good time to start with new Christmas traditions or new New Year's traditions. Perhaps you want to now try to host a dinner with friends, or you want to go out for dinner, or you want to try new traditions with your kids. Listen, holidays or no holidays. One thing we don't talk about enough when talking about breakups and divorces is that it is not only the end of a partnership relationship or a marriage. It is also the end of the history that you shared with your partner and, more importantly, even the end of the future that you had planned together.

Speaker 1: 11:38

I remember I was giving an island tour on St Martin and I was showing the client one of my favorite spots on the island and I kept hearing myself saying, oh, my husband and I this, and that my husband and I used to come here very often. Every two sentences out of my mouth mentioned my husband because, guess what? I had two decades, 20 freaking years, that I had spent with this man. So, naturally, I had two decades of memories that had him in it. So, and all of a sudden I realized at that moment I remember I had to go silent for a moment and pretend that I was taking all of a sudden uncertain. I had to come up with new memories and I had to come up with new traditions and I had to learn to walk, so to say, on my own again, and that hit hard.

Speaker 1: 12:54

So the holiday season is so focused on family and this can be really, really hard if your little family recently went through this whole big overhaul. Right, old traditions can feel too painful without your partner there, so new ones will have to do, and actually new traditions can feel very empowering. So I, for instance, decided to spend Christmas Day by myself. But you might want to host a dinner or you might want to do something that makes you truly happy and between you and I. If that something is something your partner never really cared for, then even better, right, okay.

Speaker 1: 13:38

So now the holidays, especially the first one after a breakup, is when lots of people, whether they are close to you or not, whether they're family or friends or not, they're gonna want to invite you to their Christmas or holiday event. They're gonna invite you out of pity, sometimes out of just love for you, or just they want to have you in their midst when they celebrate. But there are also some that will reach out to you and invite you to events just pure out of curiosity, because they want to know the sordid little details of how your life fell apart, and this is something that I had to experience, unfortunately, right after we decided to separate, and living on an island is like living in a small community, so this shit happens all the time. People that I barely knew, that I was not close to at all, would come up to me and ask me point blank. They had the audacity to just ask me whether my husband and I were still together, because you know, I heard so-and-so, or somebody told me, or I haven't seen you together for so long. Are you still together? And let me tell you something the only reason they are asking you this is because they want to satisfy their own curiosity.

Speaker 1: 15:14

Answering this question does nothing for you. In fact, bringing up all of that stuff that happened between you and your partner is only going to dread you through the whole feelings and emotions again. Take it from me, because the one thing that I did that I wish I didn't right after our separation was I told everybody that would ask about it. I told them everything. I told them how I was feeling, what he did, what happened to our marriage, and that shit just comes back to haunt you after.

Speaker 1: 15:50

So please this is the point that I'm trying to make here this is your time to say no to people and events. This is the time, the best time, to Put or make your boundaries known. Say no to people and events that don't light you up. You're going to have to set these boundaries. It's none of their goddamn business what happened between you and your partner. Say no to invitations that don't light you up. Say no to people who you don't want to be around. Say no to events and people who drain you period. Instead, make what does feel good a priority for you. So if you don't want to hang out with your in-laws for the holiday season, then don't do it, and what's the worst that can happen? Anyway, they're going to disown you Whoop-de-doo.

Speaker 1: 16:45

Speaking of saying no to people that don't light you up, same goes for social media, by the way. This is the perfect time to stay away and take a break from social media, because you do not need all of that crap that social media will be spooing at you during this time, and obviously you do not want to just accidentally bump into a picture of your ex looking all happy and joyful, because that's the worst right now. That is not something that you need to see and not something that you want to acknowledge right now. Okay, so stay away from social media during the holidays. Actually stay away from social media period. Nothing good can come from it. Instead, we are going to now focus on gratitude because, like I always like to say, gratitude is the best attitude and it is my go-to whenever I want to feel better instantly.

Speaker 1: 17:43

So do a little gratitude meditation, or you can also, if you're not comfortable with meditating, maybe you want to just write it down journal about all of the good things that are in your life. I am grateful for my car, I am grateful for my home. I am grateful for my kids. I'm grateful for my family. I am grateful to be in cold belgium, even if it's cold. I am grateful to be here because I get to spend the holidays with my family. I am grateful for the presents under the tree.

Speaker 1: 18:15

Just write down everything that you are grateful for, because you know what this is going to help you with. It's going to help shift your perspective. You're going to see things from a more positive side. So gratitude is definitely not going to erase the pain in your heart, but it will help you feel better because you're going to see how positive things are in your life right now. You're going to see what all you do have in your life right now and you're not going to be focused so much on the losses. So I want you to remember one thing this is just one chapter out of the book called life, and just like when you're reading the book itself. This chapter will end and another one will begin. You will be okay. You got this, I know you do. You got this, I know you do, and you know how. I know this Because I've been there and I have come out on top. I survived the end of my marriage as I knew it, and I am now in freaking Belgium celebrating the holidays with my family. It's something that may have not happened if it wasn't for my separation. This, too, shall pass, like Gandalf the Great said or did he say that? Actually, I'm not quite sure I think. Oh no, he said you shall not pass, but I'm going to change it to this too shall pass.

Speaker 1: 19:45

Happy holidays, have a great one, despite all of the icky feelings and emotions that come after a breakup. It is up to you whether you will let the situation bury you or if you will allow it to plant a better version of you. Are you going to be better or are you going to be better? So what are the takeaways from this episode? How will you survive the holidays post breakup or divorce or separation? First of all, embrace your feelings, feel them, acknowledge them, let them be. Number two, create new traditions, if it's new Christmas traditions, or new New Year's traditions. Create new ones that will help you feel empowered. Number three set boundaries, so important to say no to people and events that do not light you up. Also, focus on gratitude, because gratitude simply is the best attitude and you will feel better about what you have in your life right now.

Speaker 1: 20:50

And I want to add another one Look ahead with hope. Okay, there is hope, a lot of hope after a breakup. I believe in you. I know you've got this. I know you will be a better woman after this, so I want to again remind you this setback is your chance for a comeback. Things sometimes have to come apart for it to come together. That's just how it works. So thank you for listening, thank you for leaving a review. I so appreciate you for doing this, because it does help this podcast grow. And, as for me, I'll be back with more Paradise Perspectives after the holidays, so we will talk again in the new year. My friend, have a blessed one. This has been Paradise Perspectives and my name is Rizal, aka the Traveling Island Girl. Wishing you all the best for the holidays.