Embracing Change: A Journey of Self-Discovery, Taking a Short Break from Running, and Overcoming Caffeine Withdrawals

It's been a week of self-discovery and firsts, including giving up caffeine and redefining my identity. Join me as I share the ups and downs of taking a tiny break from running and battling caffeine withdrawals, while learning the importance of truly listening to my body.

We also talk about setting intentions for the full moon, reading from my personal diary, and creating a "cool mom life." I open up about my past roles as a fashion model, runner, and sober person, and how I'm embracing all aspects of myself without letting any one identity define me. Don't miss this honest and raw exploration of self-growth, and let's manifest our goals and dreams together.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Dear Diary. Just kidding, this is the Lucy Beatrix podcast, but today's episode is kind of like a diary episode. I'm just talking about what's going on in my world. So if you're interested in that kind of thing, stay tuned. Otherwise, if you want more of a specific episode about training or fueling or sobriety or anything like that, go back and listen to some of my other episodes. But yeah, today's show is very off the cuff. I'm talking about some things that I'm exploring right now and things that I've kind of ventured into.

Speaker 1: 0:33

But it just so happens that this week was a big week of firsts for me And I figured I would just talk about what those firsts are, because they're kind of huge. And I mean, if you know me, you know that I was a fashion model for over a decade And then I transitioned to running fast and far and running competitive times in the marathon. But now I'm just kind of like living my life in Texas figuring out who I am. I'm still training, i'm still going after a huge goal this fall at the Berlin Marathon. But all the while it's been a very interesting exploration in my sense of self, and what I mean by that is I had this identity in New York City for so long And now that I live in Austin, texas, which was completely on a whim I kind of like pointed to a place on the map and was like I want to be there now. Like six months ago I came out here kind of just starting completely over, and while I have a few pillars or North stars that I look to as my guiding forces whether that's training for a fast marathon in the fall and focusing on my sobriety as well as writing a book I have been just in this state of finding out who I am, and that's been very eyeopening because for so long I was clinging to this identity as a fashion model. That's who I was. That was what kind of explained my existence in New York City for so long.

Speaker 1: 2:04

And then I clung ferociously to my identity as a runner. I was like I'm the runner, i'm going to go do crazy things, like run 76 miles straight on the track and then run every race, and just I was very obsessed with being that. And then I also got really attached to my identity as a sober person. I'm like I'm the sober person who. This is my world, like everything I do is based on being sober, and while I still do have those identities, like I still do see myself as this fashion model, like that is part of my life, that's my past, it's what shaped me into adulthood, i also see myself as a runner and a sober person, because these things are true, but I don't let those things be like the guiding force of who I am.

Speaker 1: 2:54

And I've been thinking a lot about this because this week, as I mentioned, it was a week of firsts, and one of those firsts was that I took the longest break from running I've ever taken in my entire running life, which has been. I took four days off was it three or four? I think it was four days off of running. Yeah, it was four whole days off of running, and that is a long, long time for me. I've never done that before.

Speaker 1: 3:24

So I yeah, i just basically decided that I it kind of was an on a whim thing, i didn't plan this, but it coincided with a couple things. It started on over this last weekend where I went out to get a coffee with my boyfriend and on the way to getting coffee this is kind of a long, long and winded way of explaining, like, why I took four days off of running, i was not feeling too great And so I drank an energy drink a Celsius energy drink, on the way to getting coffee with my boyfriend And we got some cold brew which is very caffeinated, like iced coffee, and then after that I wanted another energy drink And I was like God, i just don't feel that great today, like I'm just so low energy And I had drunk so much caffeine. But I still felt tired And I was like something is wrong with me. Like why do I feel tired? Why is like standing up I feel faint, like I am not living an optimal life, like here I am like trying to like make myself a better person and live very healthfully, and I try to eat a certain way. I try to like you know, live in a way that's full of health. And what am I doing? I'm pouring enough caffeine into my body that could like kill a small animal that every day. This is not in a. This wasn't like a one-off kind of a day, like I do that kind of stuff all the time. So I decided, okay, i don't feel that great, i'm not going to run today. So I didn't run that day.

Speaker 1: 4:53

Then the next day I was like you know what Fuck caffeine? I'm over it. I'm over this dependence on caffeine that I have because I've been consuming something like 600 milligrams of caffeine a day for the past 15, 16, 17, 18, who knows, maybe two decades worth since I started drinking coffee. I mean, i started drinking coffee in high school And so, when I think about it, i really haven't gone a prolonged period without having caffeine in my system and a lot of caffeine in my system on top of that. So it was. It was time I needed to like reset. So I was like you know what, i'm not going to drink any caffeine this entire day. No coffee, no energy drink, no nothing.

Speaker 1: 5:39

And in a weird way, i kind of thought of it like this is a get out of jail, free car type of a day where I'm just going to like let this be an off, weird day. So I let myself rest. I was not feeling good at all. I was having GI issues on top of that. I felt like I just was like maybe had the flu or something. I just felt horrible on that first day with no caffeine And I thought, you know what, if I can get through one day, maybe just try to string them together and do a couple days.

Speaker 1: 6:08

So I just I kind of did this whole thing that I've learned in recovery from alcoholism, which is one day at a time. And so I just was like you know what, today is the day I didn't drink caffeine, not gonna worry about how far I'm gonna go with it, i'm just gonna see if I can do it again, like see how I feel in the morning, and just keep going. So I did and it was not fun. I had horrible headaches, i felt so sick, everything was wrong. But I also decided at the same time I'm not gonna run either, which is really weird for me. I ran the day after running the Chicago Marathon. Like I mean, i've ran the day after huge runs and when I'm the most tired and broken and whatever I've run.

Speaker 1: 6:53

So the decision is not run. I was like, okay, i'm just gonna see what this is like, cause I'd never really done it before. And the other thing I should add is like I didn't just replace that with other cardio. I wasn't like slaving away in the gym for an hour on the bike or something. I literally just did no exercise. I was like I'm not even gonna, i'm not gonna hold myself to do anything, cause I just don't feel well. And I'm listening to my body for real. We hear it all the time listen to your body, listen to your body. No, i was really listening to my body And my body just said you know what, girl, you've done a lot. You've done so much over the years that you're allowed to just say I don't feel like it today. And so I went with that And I went several days without running, several days without caffeine, and then suddenly, on the third day of no caffeine, i did decide to run and I ran for fun.

Speaker 1: 7:44

I didn't think about the pace. It was hard because I think I'm not used to it And my system is still adjusting to this no caffeine life. But I actually felt really, really, really accomplished and proud of myself when I got through that. And then I ran the next day, which was today. So five days into no caffeine, i've run twice now, but I think it's really amazing that I was able to just take days off and just reset. And I kept thinking of it like, wow, i'm just pressing pause on my adrenaline. I've just been firing myself up for so many years. What happens if I just let it all sink in for a second And this is not a novel concept Like as a coach, as somebody who knows a thing or two about training and running, i know that there's a time and a place for a rest, but I mean taking four days off of any kind of exercise, that was pretty big and something that I can't, honestly say I had done in a really long time. So it was kind of cool. I actually felt really excited about it. I was like this is really awesome And I think I'm just like resetting everything inside And it kind of did fire me up to think about how to start training again. So yeah, but then now, this time, now that I'm going back into it, i'm like whoa, i like kicked caffeine And that seems so small to so many people, but I'm telling you that was so big for me.

Speaker 1: 9:08

I can't even tell you how dependent I was. I thought that I needed to have that every single day to ever run. I never thought I could run without having caffeine ever. I don't even think I really have before. So this was so big.

Speaker 1: 9:21

So, on top of all these firsts, which was like not running, not drinking caffeine, not caring about these things, like being like it's not that I'm just aloof to like what I need to do. If I'm going to train hard for Berlin, it's that I just could be like, yeah, i'm okay with this. I don't feel like I'm ready to go, get out there and run, so this is just where I'm going to be And yeah. So it's like feeling like detached from that pressure and knowing that there's a reason that I'm feeling this way. Whatever, it is like maybe I needed to like reset some other stuff. I may be like I just needed to rest. Maybe my body is working so hard that it needed to like just chill.

Speaker 1: 10:04

Well, on top of that, it was really funny because my boyfriend's out of town right now, but before he left, the night before he left, i decided to kind of surprise him. I was like you know what? We have this list of restaurants that we want to go to in Austin. Like he wants to either show me or we want to go together. We've had a bunch of them, but there are a few on the list that are for very special occasions. Or if there was a time and a place that I wanted to eat steak, there was this one spot that he loves, and so I said to him he was getting off work and he was like what do you want to do tonight, like dinner wise? And I was like, well, i have an idea. And then I suggested this and he was like, oh yeah, like we're going to go get steak.

Speaker 1: 10:45

And so it was really really fun to go get a steak, which that's kind of unusual for me. I mean, i've had a couple of bites here and there like over the years and stuff. But like to just be like, yeah, i'm going to go order a steak at a restaurant. You know, balls to the wall, here I am. And at the same time, this exact same day, which was like this just all feeds into like the week of firsts.

Speaker 1: 11:08

I mean, i do know how to drive, but like, so my boyfriend has a Tesla and he's been teaching me how to drive it And I've driven it like maybe once or twice since I moved to Texas. But he was like, well, how about you drive us to go get the steak at the restaurant? And I was like, okay, and so then I drove us to go get dinner, and then I drove him to the airport the next day on the highway, like big stuff. This is all really revelatory. And I was like God, what is happening Like Texas has made me into a man. Like I'm eating steak, i'm driving a Tesla on the highway, i'm just like I feel. So it's just a funny.

Speaker 1: 11:44

It's very funny, but I also am leaning into it because I think that there's kind of something to be said about just pressing pause, turning your world upside down, doing things completely opposite that you normally do, so you can get perspective and kind of shake out what really sticks and see like, oh, okay, like these things are the most important thing to me. So in this practice of doing all these crazy ass things this week, i was like, wow, writing my book is the most important thing to me right now, and not only that making my body a better body. Not just like getting bought, like I could slave away and get the miles in and maybe I'd just be like, okay, cool, i checked the boxes this week, but no, i'm making my body better right now. I know that by like fasting off of the caffeine, eating different things, learning how to do things I don't normally do, i feel more excited about everything else that I want to go back to. So I'm like, oh yeah, like running is awesome. I can't believe I ever did that. It's so hard I can't like wow, and so like I want to really attack this marathon. So it's kind of giving me a perspective shift. And with that perspective shift, buckle up, because this is a big one. This is kind of like. I'm sure some people who know me are like what did she? what is she going to say? So I, it is kind of sound, kind of crazy. I have some North stars and I love. I love that I'm like so attached to like writing a book and having my marathon this fall And like these things, that I'm like these are my goals.

Speaker 1: 13:11

But beyond that, i also really really, really, really, really, really want to set up my life in the next few years to be able to become a mom. And I've never really thought like that before, like I'm not, like I never like actually took inspired action of what would it be like to really be a mom. And I noticed when I was walking around Austin yesterday listening to an audio book and enjoying golden hour, I was just like living my best life. And I looked at the tattoo on my shoulder that's a wolf and it has my dad's birthday and death day on it And I was like I want to tell my future child when they pointed that and they're like mom, why do you have a big ass wolf tattoo on your shoulder? Because I'm going to be that mom. I want to be able to tell them that that's in honor of their grand pa, joe, and tell them all about their grandfather, my dad, and that weird feeling Like it sounds so like I don't know, mystical.

Speaker 1: 14:11

I was like damn, that fires me up so much And like that makes me want to just attack this race even more this fall and like do all of the things, like have this book out and have all these things to show my future child. Like I'm I'm excited thinking about it. So I just keep thinking like I want to set my body up for that And that's part of like this. Like I didn't think that when I first was quitting caffeine, but I was like you know what? I want to get off of reliance on something like that, so that if and when I am pregnant which I don't want to be drinking copious amounts of caffeine I want to be able to be ready for that. And I also want to be able to be ready for if there's a time and a place when running isn't my only thing, like when I'm, you know, i can have other things to be excited about.

Speaker 1: 14:57

And, honestly, it was weird to think that that like that feeling just intensified when I took some days off and was like eating steak and chilling out and giving my body a chance to reset. I was like you know what? Yeah, i really, i really, really really want to be a mom And so that's like a funny, funny thing that came to my mind while I was in this week of firsts. That is kind of awesome. And so it's a full moon tonight which, by the way, i don't know If you realize, because I'm not one of these astrology people who's obsessed with that stuff, but I do feel like it's kind of cool to have these intentions that we set on the full moon.

Speaker 1: 15:37

I don't even know if that's what you're supposed to do, but I'm doing that. So I'm setting all my intentions for the full moon, and my intentions are to get through this training block for Berlin and slay my goal like blow my goal out of the water and have a manuscript, have a book like you know, the majority of my book done by the end of the year, have all the things that I could ever dream of in that way, and then set the stage slowly but surely because we know that this girl needs a lot of I need to, you know warm up to what this life would look like. But slowly but surely, i want to set the stage for what it could look like to be this like cool mom, tattooed mom someday, someday, somehow, who really knows. But yeah, so that's my diary entries of quite personal, i guess. But I guess it's also not, because if you listen to my show, you know I talk about all kinds of crazy stuff.

Speaker 1: 16:36

So I hope you got something out of this. Hit me up on Instagram. I'm at Lucie Beatrix L-U-C-I-E-B-E-A-T-R-I-X. And until next time, just be fast, just win.