Welcome to the Charlie Mitchell Teachings Podcast. In this insightful sermon titled "Cuffed to Quality," Charlie dives into the complexities of modern relationships, drawing wisdom from the timeless truths of Scripture.
Episode Highlights:
1. The Modern Dating Scene: - Charlie begins by contrasting the old days of Black Planet with today's digital dating landscape, highlighting the drastic shift to apps like Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid.
- He shares startling facts about online dating, shedding light on the often-deceptive nature of these platforms.
2. Dating Through the Ages: - A journey from arranged marriages to courtship and to modern dating, examining how romance replaced character assessment, leading to the current hookup culture.
3. The Vanity Fair Perspective: - Discussing the seismic shifts in heterosexual mating brought about by the internet and dating apps.
4. The Disturbing Reality: - Charlie shares alarming insights into the current dating ethos, emphasizing modern relationships' superficial and transactional nature.
5. Cuffed to Quality: Four Qualities to Develop and Look For:
Godly Character: Inspired by Songs 1:2-3, Charlie stresses the importance of character over appearance in relationships.
Growing Trust: Drawing from Songs 1:5-6, he discusses the importance of building trust by addressing insecurities.
Higher Standards: Referencing Songs 1:7, Charlie encourages listeners to maintain standards that honor God.
Consistent Encouragement: From Songs 1:9, 15-16, the focus is on the power of positive affirmation in relationships.
6. The Result - Feeling Special and Secure: - Charlie concludes with reflections from Songs 2:1-3, highlighting how healthy relationships lead to feeling cherished and protected.
Relevant Scripture:
- Romans 12:9-10: "Let love be without hypocrisy. Detest evil; cling to what is good. Love one another deeply as brothers and sisters. Outdo one another in showing honor." - This scripture forms the bedrock of today's discussion, emphasizing the importance of genuine, God-centered love in relationships.
Conclusion:
Charlie wraps up the episode by challenging listeners to reevaluate their approach to dating and relationships, urging them to seek qualities that align with godly principles.
Tune In, Subscribe, and Share: Don’t miss out on more episodes full of biblical wisdom for everyday life. Subscribe to The Charlie Mitchell Teachings Podcast and share these invaluable teachings with your community.
Join us next time as we continue to explore life's challenges through the lens of faith and Scripture. Stay blessed and stay wise in your relationships!
Welcome to the Charlie Mitchell Teachings Podcast. In this insightful sermon titled "Cuffed to Quality," Charlie dives into the complexities of modern relationships, drawing wisdom from the timeless truths of Scripture.
Episode Highlights:
1. The Modern Dating Scene: - Charlie begins by contrasting the old days of Black Planet with today's digital dating landscape, highlighting the drastic shift to apps like Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid.
- He shares startling facts about online dating, shedding light on the often-deceptive nature of these platforms.
2. Dating Through the Ages: - A journey from arranged marriages to courtship and to modern dating, examining how romance replaced character assessment, leading to the current hookup culture.
3. The Vanity Fair Perspective: - Discussing the seismic shifts in heterosexual mating brought about by the internet and dating apps.
4. The Disturbing Reality: - Charlie shares alarming insights into the current dating ethos, emphasizing modern relationships' superficial and transactional nature.
5. Cuffed to Quality: Four Qualities to Develop and Look For:
Godly Character: Inspired by Songs 1:2-3, Charlie stresses the importance of character over appearance in relationships.
Growing Trust: Drawing from Songs 1:5-6, he discusses the importance of building trust by addressing insecurities.
Higher Standards: Referencing Songs 1:7, Charlie encourages listeners to maintain standards that honor God.
Consistent Encouragement: From Songs 1:9, 15-16, the focus is on the power of positive affirmation in relationships.
6. The Result - Feeling Special and Secure: - Charlie concludes with reflections from Songs 2:1-3, highlighting how healthy relationships lead to feeling cherished and protected.
Relevant Scripture:
- Romans 12:9-10: "Let love be without hypocrisy. Detest evil; cling to what is good. Love one another deeply as brothers and sisters. Outdo one another in showing honor." - This scripture forms the bedrock of today's discussion, emphasizing the importance of genuine, God-centered love in relationships.
Conclusion:
Charlie wraps up the episode by challenging listeners to reevaluate their approach to dating and relationships, urging them to seek qualities that align with godly principles.
Tune In, Subscribe, and Share: Don’t miss out on more episodes full of biblical wisdom for everyday life. Subscribe to The Charlie Mitchell Teachings Podcast and share these invaluable teachings with your community.
Join us next time as we continue to explore life's challenges through the lens of faith and Scripture. Stay blessed and stay wise in your relationships!
Our theme has been this whole time, as we've been looking through cuffing season and what it means in our culture, I've been taking the cue from Romans chapter 12 verses 9 and 10. I want us to reorient them around what the Word of God says. Not what we've been taught not what we feel. Not what comes instinctual to us. But I want us to be conformed to what God has for us. And that comes out of Romans chapter 12 verse 9 and 10. Here's what God says our relationships should look like. Let love be without hypocrisy. So we're not showing a false face. We're not showing something in one place and then something in another place. But it's genuine and authentic. Detest evil. Cling to what is good, love one another deeply as brothers and sisters, outdo one another in showing honor. Now many of us were never taught how to do relationships, we just mimicked what we saw. And so what I have to do over the last several weeks, we've been looking at how you do relationships and community, because we all need each other to walk each other's back, because we tend to play the fool when we fall in love or get in a relationship. Then we needed marital, help, so we looked at what it means to pursue your mate after you've been married, because things get stale after a while and everything, it just kind of gets Same old, same old. And what we have to do is we have to continue to pursue, and today we're going to look at those of you who are single, but you looking to mingle. You know what I mean? And you might be looking for relationships, and so we want to reorient what that could look like. Now we're looking at the book of Song of Solomon. And many of you might have heard sermons, I don't know if you've heard sermons in Song of Solomon. I've grown up in church and I haven't heard very many sermons from the Song of Solomon. We get a little nervous about it because there's a, it's a lot of content about a man and a woman. And what's so interesting about it is, is we have tried to sterilize what the Bible actually says. And one of the ways we'll sterilize it is we'll theologize or we'll Christianize or we'll try to create some kind of thing that's not really what it's talking about. In other words, you might have heard this book talking about how Jesus loves the church. And so if you read that and you're a dude like me, and you go, Jesus loves the church. But he's talking about breasts, and all kind of stuff, and you're like, Uh, I don't, you know what I mean, so I can't really rock with that. But it's actually talking about a love story between a man and a woman. Solomon was a dude, he was a real historical man, and he had a lot of girlfriends, and he had a lot of wives, and he had a little bit of game. And what the Bible actually does is it gives us a picture, it gives us a glimpse of how we could love someone of the opposite sex. And so what's so interesting is, is don't sterilize it, let's just look at it and see what it is. And what's so interesting about this book too, is this. I know some of us, how many of you grew up in kind of a, uh, churchy environment where they told you you can't listen to secular music? Alright, yep, yep, yep, okay, now listen. This is a book in the Bible that does not mention God one time. And all it does is talk about love and sexual stuff. So listen, if you want to listen to a little Marvin Gaye, you want to listen to a little Anthony Hamilton, a little Maxwell, go right ahead, you have my blessing, okay? In the right context, though. Alright? So you can't just be out here listening to Marvin Gaye and all that stuff and Little Maxwell and getting all warm fuzzy feelings and then you ain't got nowhere to share that love with somebody that you're in covenant relationship with. Okay? So, so let's just, let's just tone it down, but, but I encourage you to listen to it when you can. Okay? Um, so some of y'all like, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is great. This is great. This is the best church I've ever been to. Alright. So. Before we dive in, let's pray real quick because I'm going to need the Holy Spirit's help on this one. Lord, help me. Be with us. Some of us, come into a talk about relationships in the scriptures and we look at our life and everything is discombobulated. Things are outta order. Things of outta sorts that we, some of us have deep pain trauma. Some of us are wondering, some of us are hoping some of us have a lot of issues in this area. God, I pray that your spirit will speak clearly to us through your word. Would you bring healing? Would you create a new vision in some of us of what we should expect in someone who would pursue us? Some of us are already married and got a lot of baggage that we brought into this situation. Lord, I pray for healing and restoration and renewal. Lord, you're the God who can resurrect dead things. You can heal us of the pain we may feel. For those who are single right now, who are hoping, wishing, praying that somebody would love them, God, I pray that you would give them hope, that you would give them joy, that you, you would give them a sense of fulfillment right now by the power of your spirit. Would you do all of this, I pray in Jesus name, Amen. So, listen, if this is your first time, we don't usually talk about this kind of stuff, but I'm glad you were here. Come back in like two weeks, we'll be talking about something else, you know what I mean? But listen, you're more than welcome. Okay? Okay? Y'all good? Alright. So, when I was about, ah, 14, 15, 16 years old, I remember going to my cousin's house, and he was clicking away on the computer. He was clicking away, clicking away, clicking away, and he was telling me about how he was meeting all these girls on the computer. And some of y'all remember this website. It was called Black Planet. You know what I mean? And so he was on there, and some of y'all like, oh my gosh. And so, listen, I went to Black Planet yesterday. It still exists. And some of y'all like, Oh Lord Jesus, let me go on that. You know what I mean? So I doubt that they still got your little information and how you had your little name and all that kind of stuff. But I had to realize and over the last few weeks I've been praying, thinking through this and I'm like, yo, black planet. Okay. So what's going on now? And I've been married for the last 14 years, dated my wife for three before that. So 17 years, I kind of been out of the game. And so I'm like, okay, so what's been going on? And then, there was a season where, everybody was into, Online dating, you know what I'm saying? So it was, match.com and eHarmony. And uh, now you can go like, I watch commercials on TV sometimes, and they got, a thing for every single kind of person. Y'all seen these before?'cause y'all looking at me like, y'all know, because farmers date only.com and like, uh, black professionals that live in a house with a roho like.com. And so everybody's got their little subsection. And then it's morphed out of that kind of eHarmony on the website kind of phase to the dating era, to the app era. And so what's so interesting is like the number one dating app is Tinder and Bumble and OkCupid and y'all might have some other ones that I just didn't find, but give me a little time and I'll know about it next week. And I had to find some interesting facts. I found some facts about online dating. Here's something interesting that we can learn about men and women when we look at online dating. 81 percent of people lie about their height, weight, or age in their online dating profile. 81 percent of people. Here's what's interesting. Women tend to claim that they're 8. 5 pounds lighter than they actually are. Alright? Um, men lie less about their weight. They'll say they're probably about 2 pounds lighter than they actually are. But, where we do lie as dudes is we'll round up our height by a half inch or more. Very often, okay? Guys, if you have the word love in your profile, you are more likely to find love. Isn't that interesting? Men benefited from using the words heart, children, romantic, and relationship in their profile. You had a better odds of finding you somebody that you was going to be with. Here's another interesting thing. Men spend 50 percent less time reading online dating profiles than women. We spend 50 percent less time. Where do we spend our time when we're looking at profiles? Men spend 65 percent more time looking at the pictures in the profile than women do. So, women are less interested in the picture and they want to see the bio and all that kind of stuff. But, fellas, ah, let me miss the bio, what does she look like, okay? About 30 percent of women consult with a friend about their profile. Girl, does this, I mean, is this really me? Am I really, I mean, what you think? Is this the right, okay? Fellas, what do we do? Sixteen percent of us will consult a dude on our profile. Cause we already know, man, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll put this together, this thing is gonna be fly. I'm killing it. And we don't need anybody else to consult us on who we are. Now what's so interesting about dating and when we talk about relationships and when we talk about this type of stuff from the scriptures, if I'm completely honest, I want to be 100 percent with y'all. Dating is not in the Bible. It's not in the Bible, okay? And so that's not a knock on dating, and that's not, affirming dating, it's just something that's not in the Bible. It wasn't a concept in the writers of the Bible's mind. It wasn't, it wasn't a concept. You know what else wasn't a concept in their mind? A teenager. There was no such thing as a teenager in the biblical writer's mind. You were a child and then you turned 13 and you were a man or a woman. There is no I'm 16 still trying to figure it out. No, you were, you were a man. Right? And so in the biblical writer's mind, there is no concept of dating, but we do have enough tools in the Word of God to know wisely what we should do and how we should conduct ourselves. Alright, so what I'm telling you is not law, I'm just telling you. As your pastor, as your big brother, as somebody that loves you, here's some things as we pull together the scriptures, what you should look for when you're in these types of relationships. And now we look, when we look at history back in the 8th and 9th centuries, they had arranged marriages. None of y'all are excited about arranged marriages. Okay, I know. Then they moved to this idea of courtship. And then in 1914, we have the first recorded A word called dating that describes kind of the era we're in now. And the difference between what we see in dating and what they would think of as courtship is this, that the young man didn't come as in courtship to the family to be approved and evaluated in terms of skill, suitability, and character. But now the young man would take the woman away from the family. Now, it would be based on romance instead of friendship, spending money, being seen, and having fun instead of character assessment. This inevitably led to what we have now. So it went from dating to hookup culture, which now has led us to apps. So, I read this interesting article, I gotta set this up because I need you to feel where we are as a culture. I need you to see what's going on because my heart was broken for my brothers and sisters. I got a younger sister who's 29 years old, still not married, looking for somebody. I got a 26 year old younger brother who calls me and is trying to figure this out. So, my heart was broken for you as I begin to really look at where we are as a culture. Vanity Fair. Wrote an article, not a Christian magazine, of course. Tinder and Hookup Culture Promotion. Here's what it says. We are in uncharted territory when it comes to Tinder and apps like it. Says Justin Garcia, listen to this. A research scientist at Indiana's University Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction. A scientist, a research scientist that studies sex, gender, and reproduction says we are in uncharted territory. There have been two major transitions in heterosexual mating in the last four million years. Four million. Years. Check this out. He says that the first round was 10, 000 to 15, 000 years ago in the agricultural revolution when we became less migratory and more settled. Think Abraham. So the last time there was a major shift in how we did heterosexual relationships was Abraham time. Then he goes on to say this. Leading to the establishment of marriage as a cultural contract. And the second major transition, guess when the second major transition was? It was with the rise of the internet. So if you're confused right now, on what you're supposed to be doing, Everybody is. The trained scientists are. They don't know what we're supposed to be doing because this is the second largest shift in mating in four million years. It's confusing. It's hard. It's hard to understand. My question though is listen, listen, as your brother, as your pastor, some of y'all got to listen to different ways because y'all are thinking all kinds of stuff and y'all are getting all kinds of red flags. Who are you becoming? What is it doing to us? What is happening to us? I want you to be cognizant because you're swimming in water and you don't know which direction it's going in but you can easily get caught up in the flow and just go with it. So my goal for you, my passion for you, my desire for you is like I said, I want you to, I want you to know what God called you to do, who God called you to be. And he mainly wants you to become more like him, but we got to be cognizant. Okay. Is this shaping me to be more like Christ or is this shaping me to be more like we don't even know what? Right? And so here's what happens. Who are we becoming? Guys, here's what it said in the article. Guys view everything as a competition. He elaborates with his deep, reassuring voice. Who slept with the best, hottest girls? With these dating apps, he says, you're always sort of prowling. So you kind of devolve into animal like instincts. You could talk to two or three girls at a bar and pick the best one, or you can swipe a couple hundred times a day. The sample size is so much larger. It's setting up two or three Tinder dates a week, and chances are sleeping with every one of them. So you could rack up at least a hundred girls in a year. Then they got terms for it. They got slang for it. Tinderella. A Tinderella is a girl you meet and have sex with before midnight. A tender king. A tender king is someone who can get a woman into bed with a very strong text game or not even words, just emojis. Here's what it says. Here's one woman. It's rare for a woman of our generation to meet a man who treats her like a priority instead of an option. They start with, send me news, or they say something like, I'm looking for something quick within the next 10 or 20 minutes. Are you available? Okay, you're within a mile, tell me your location and I'll be right there. Now it's kind of an efficient process. It's a swipe. It's a button. It's a click. It's no longer a human being. It's just a thing, right? If he texts you before midnight, he actually likes you as a person. If it's after midnight, it's just for your body. I hooked up with three girls, thanks to the internet, off the Tinder, in the course of four nights, and I spent 80 on all three girls. A few young women admitted to me that they are using dating apps as a way to get free meals. I call it Tinder food stamps. So, listen. Some of y'all are like, oh, well, let me, let me go on it. Um, let me go on, you know what I mean? And I get it. That's, that's just like my heart was broken. And now listen, if you're pursuing Christ and you're really looking for, I know that's not you, but I need you to know the water that you're swimming in so that if you're engaged in that world, just know you go, there's a current and it's going a direction. And it's in the direction of dehumanization, animal like instincts, not Christ likeness. Right? So, I need you to be aware of that, and I want you to see that, and I want you to feel that. So, here's the deal. Every week, I've said I want you to be cuffed to something. First week, cuffed to community. Second week, cuffed to pursuit. This week, I need you to be cuffed to quality. Because what's happening is like cheap food production. We can get food cheap and easy. You can go to McDonald's and you can get you a, you know what I mean, four for, you can go to Wendy's, get you a four for four, get you a whole meal. But most of us have not had real, healthy, organic food that can actually nourish us. So we can get things that are calorie dense, but we can't get things that are sustainable to our system. And it's the same with this. I want you to be cuffed to quality. Cuffed to quality. Four qualities I want you to look for and develop in yourself. Okay? Four qualities to develop and to look for if you're looking for a date and relationship. And y'all are in Song of Songs chapter one first thing I want you to look for in somebody, in another human being. If you're looking for love, don't look in all the wrong places like the song says. I want you to look for love in all the right places. The first thing I want you to look for is godly character. Godly character. Song of Songs verse 1, verses 2 and 3. Let, let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth. For your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes. Your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you. So if you notice, the first thing she's attracted to, she's attracted to his character. And if you know the context of the story, listen, we're in ancient times, ancient days, and y'all know what I do, don't, don't just, don't bobble size this, don't, I need you to get out of that, get out of Sunday school class, and just look at this for real, for real, right? She's attracted to his character and she equates it to very valuable, expensive oil. And why were oils so expensive back in the day? Can you think? Can you imagine? Cause they didn't have indoor plumbing and everybody walked around sweaty and musky. And so what would happen is you would have a strong aroma about you. And so how would I know that you coming? Cause I could smell you coming down the road. Now, if you could afford a little something, you could get some perfume, a little bit of oil. You know what I'm saying? Some of y'all messed with the Jamaicans back in the day. Had your little essential oil, and you put it, you know what I mean, put it on the, you know what I mean? And so what is he saying? Your character is like that poured out oil that goes before you, so that even before I see you, your name has been ringing out in the streets. And what happens is, some of our names are ringing out in the streets for good reasons and bad reasons. Good reasons. And bad reasons. So here's the deal. There's a difference between reputation and character. There's a difference between the two. The difference is this. Reputation is who people think you are. Character is who you truly are. So some of us can put on a good face. Some of us can dress up well. Some of us can put a nice profile picture. But when you get behind the scenes you actually see, Nah, he ain't nothing like what he said he was. And so what we're saying is we're not looking for For an inch deep. I don't want an inch deep. I need depth. I need character. I need trueness. I need authenticity. I need to know who you really are. And what did she say? It's so astounding to me. And she said, no wonder, all the women love you. It's no wonder, because when your name comes out, he's just so honest, he's so authentic, or she's just so godly, and she just loves people, she's so compassionate. Because man, when you get to know that person, it's just not a cheap thing that they're saying, it's actually that they're really like that. It's not because you a hottie with a body. It's that you actually have a good name. Fellas, girls, y'all gotta get you a good name. It's valuable. Treasure it. And listen, if your name has been lost already, you can get it back. It's not over, but we can redeem our name, get a good name. And so what happens is, I want you to reverse engineer this thing. I want you to think about this. If you want a godly marriage one day, start living a godly life today. Some of you are like, man, I just hope, I hope, I hope, and you're never, you're not doing the things that will prepare you for a godly marriage later. So I want you to begin to be patient. I want you to begin to be loving. I want you to begin to have a passionate relationship with Jesus so that when that person comes along, they got something to hold on to. So some of you might say, but listen, listen, Pastor Charlie, I mean, I always attract the wrong type. You know what I mean? I'm always attracting the wrong type. They're just so drawn to me. Let me talk to you like I would say it down south. If you keep catching the same kind of fish, it's time for you to change the bait. If you keep catching the same kind of fish, it's time for you to change the bait. And so what happens is, listen, you keep doing the same stuff, same stuff, same stuff around the same people, same people, same people expecting something different. If you want something different, be something different. So man, listen, marriage isn't about finding the right person as much as it's about becoming the right person. I want you to develop godly character. I don't want you to just look for somebody with godly character, I want you to be and have godly character. Another way, one pastor said it like this, this thing has been rocking me for the last three weeks. He said this, become the person you are looking for, is looking for. Become the person you are looking for, is looking for, because some of us is looking for somebody, but if they came along today, they wouldn't be looking for us. And I want you to become that. I want you to become, when that person comes along, you are ready, you can meet them right where they are. And they've been saying, I've been looking for you my whole life. So become that. Become that. Become the right person. I gotta keep moving. Listen. It's the first thing, I want you to look for godly character. The second thing, I want you to look for growing trust. Verse 5 says this, Dark am I, yet lovely daughters of Jerusalem. Alright, let's check this out. I got a little video for y'all to bring y'all back in the day. Got a little something special for y'all. Yeah, yeah. Some of y'all think about Saturday morning right now. Keep going. It's gonna keep going. Listen to this. It's gonna bless you. Dark and lovely. Yeah! Colorful and women of color. Beautified. Lightens, conditions, brightens, radiates. Dark and lovely hair color is rich. Lush. Elegant, stylish, luxurious, vibrant, striking. It's from Rio. In jet black, black, dark brown, light brown, auburn, fiery auburn, bright auburn, golden bronze, honey blonde, dark and lovely. Yes! Fashioning hair color for the woman of color. That's it. Yo! Did y'all see what she just said? Y'all, y'all ain't even know this because y'all was like, man, that's Saturday morning before I was watching Dark and Lovely commercials and, uh, on Soul Train and all this kind of stuff. But look at verse five. Here's what she says. Dark am I yet lovely, daughters of Jerusalem, dark like the tents of Keter, like the curtains of Solomon. Do not stare at me because I'm dark, because I'm darkened by the sun. My mother's sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards, my own vineyard I had. Neglected. She says this. She says something very interesting. She's revealing her insecurities, but here's what I wanted to show you that for. Listen, if you're dark, you are lovely. If you're dark, you are lovely. So you don't have to, you don't have to say, you don't have to hide. You don't have to, because, because immediately what can begin to happen is you can read into this and miss the fact that she says, I'm dark and I'm lovely. I'm dark and I'm lovely. And so listen, I want this to be a church where if you're dark, you can be lovely and we affirm you. We love you. We got your back. Listen, even in the Bible they were dealing with colorism and people with lighter complexion. This and that. You know, because she's dark, that means that she had to work outside in the fields. And she's insecure about that. Because her skin has been What did she say? She said it in such poetic language. My skin has been gazed upon by the sun. I am darkened. By the sun, I am sun kissed. That's why my skin is dark like this. And she's saying, I haven't taken care of myself as much as some ladies who probably got more money who could spend more time in the house. And what happens, I had to go and look, I had to go and look at every commentary I had to kind of find an understanding for this. And so everybody else that has something to say about this particular passage came from old white dudes. So I had to like, not look at old white dudes, so I found a Jewish scholar, and here's what she said about, and she's a female, so she can help me to understand what she's saying. The Shulamite calls herself black and beautiful. This is apparently a reference to her sunburned skin, according to her poetic phrase, the sun is gazed on me. Working outdoors, she's a keeper of vineyards, is perhaps associated with a lower social class. Those who could not afford to work outdoors would have fair complexion. The Shulamites need to account for her dark skin may sound apologetic. It may sound like she's trying to be apologetic about her dark skin, but on the other hand, it is likely that she is boasting, not apologizing. So what happens? You ever meet somebody who, who is boasting, but they're actually trying to hide an insecurity? And we did this all the time. If you had a good black mom, like you knew how to do it. Listen, Mama, they call me black all the time, and I got big lips and all this kind of stuff. Listen, tell them, Black of the berry, the sweet of the juice. And you quit to hit them with that. See, man, black of the berry, sweet of the juice. Man, shut up. You still black as night. You know what I mean? And so what it is is she's, she's beginning to reveal her insecurities, right? She's surely beginning to reveal her insecurities because when you're in a relationship with somebody you find that they've got, they might have some character, you begin to reveal the things that are going on inside. And guys and ladies, you have the opportunity when you get past the surface, that you can begin to actually step in and love them in the way that they need to be loved. Because we'll get to actually see how he loves away her insecurity. And so for us, many of us, every one of us, once we get into a relationship with somebody, we begin to get nervous that they'll see our insecurities, we and we try to hide them. And look, man, man, man, my hair growing a little thin up top, man. I wish I was a little, you know what I mean, I got on a little bit too much weight. And if you got the right one, they'll make you feel more secure in your insecurities. They'll affirm you and love you and care for you. So here's a bad sign for you. If you're growing more insecure as you're with a person, that's a bad sign. If you're feeling more nervous, if you're feeling more shame, if you're feeling more doubt, that's a bad sign. So what we want to do, we want to love people in the midst of their insecurities. We want to cover them. We want to love them. We want to speak life over them. Third thing I want you to look for. So the first thing, godly character. The second thing I want you to look for. Growing trust. Third thing is higher standards. Here's what she says. Verse 7, Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday. Why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of your friends? In other words, she's saying, I'm not going to be like those women that's always trying to throw themselves at your little friends. I'm not going to be like them. And you can imagine what a veiled woman is. That's somebody that would give themselves up very easily for a little attention. And she's saying, I'm not going to be like that to be with you. So, I understand that in our culture and based on the conversation we had earlier today, I understand it's totally acceptable for you to have sex outside of marriage. It's totally cool. And matter of fact, when I talk about it, you get nervous and you're going to say, man, here he come with that old school stuff. All right, cool. I'm going to say that. Don't, don't have sex outside of marriage. And it's, and the other thing that's expected for you is to have passionless, shabby, broken up marriages too. Cool. So you don't want to hear the one side where we try to help and protect you, but on the other side, you okay with having jammed up relationships that are never healthy. So here's what I'm telling you, if you want what everybody else got, do what everybody else does. If you want what everybody else got, do what everybody else does. If you want something different, if you want something unique, if you want something that other, that you can change the legacy in your family, if you got, if you want that, then I'm saying you got to do something different. You can't just be like everybody else. She said, man, I know it'd be girls out there standing by, standing on the side of the road waiting for y'all to come up, and y'all gonna pull up with y'all nice little flock, and it's gonna be all good. And I'm just not gonna be like that. If you want me, we just not, we can't get down like that. Ladies, fellas, listen, it's time to raise your standards. And it's hard. I understand it. That's why I say you gotta be in community. You gotta have a squad of people that's gonna hold you up. That have your back. That ain't gonna let you go through this alone. You ain't gotta deal with this alone. But we've gotta be the ones that gotta change the culture. We've gotta go upstream against the grain. Because we not gonna settle for what everybody else has. And when you look at your marriage, when you look at the future, I want you to be future oriented. I know right now there may be loneliness, I know right now there may be desire, but you gotta look at the future and you gotta begin to go, man, man, listen, we can sin together right now or we can honor God together right now and it'll change the future. I don't want this to just be business as usual and I get the same thing all my friends got. I want to change the narrative, I want to change the standards, I want to change how things have always been. You got to have higher standards. You want to look for godly character. You want to grow in trust. You want to have higher standards. Fourth, you got to have consistent encouragement. Look at verse 9. He says, I liken you, my darling, to a mare. Among Pharaoh's chariot horses. I liken you, my darling, to a mare among Pharaoh's chariot horses. What's a mare? A mare is a female horse. Okay? It's an adult female horse. But it's a very special kind of female horse. It's actually a horse that would lead Pharaoh's chariots. And here she said, I'm dark, yet I'm lovely. And I've not been out in the vineyard, and nobody seems to care about me. Matter of fact, my little, my big brothers have put me out in the field, and they work me harder than everybody else. And what does he do when he hears her insecurity? He begins to step in with a word of encouragement. He says, listen, no, no, no, no, no, no. You ain't like some other girl out there. You're actually my prized possession. Did you know that the mayor, they thought the mayor came from deity. It was the horse of the gods. And it was a white horse that would lead the, lead the cavalry as it walked out into battle or walked back into the city. And he's going, nah, y'all, you saying you dark, but nah, you lead the cavalry for me. You're very special to me. You're most esteemed to me. You're unlike anybody else to me. You're, you're like God like to me. Your skin may be burned from the sun, but it's gorgeous to me. You're everything that I want. You're everything that I've ever desired. He didn't go in there and say, yeah, well, man, you look pretty good for, you know what I mean? I mean, you alright. He didn't say that. He overwhelmed her with love in her insecure place. And that's how you know you got somebody for real. I remember me and Aaron were dating. We got married. I was 21. We were 21. And I remember being like, man, I just want to, if I could get her a house, if I could, I ain't gonna, I mean, I was trying to be in ministry, I didn't know what I was doing, all this kind of stuff. And she was like, listen, babe, I don't need a whole bunch of stuff. Give me a little small house with you. We good. I don't need a whole lot of stuff. You good? For real? Like, you see my situation? Oh, okay. Then we good then. And she didn't need a whole lot because that's somewhere, somewhere along the line. As we grew together, she could speak into my insecurity with encouragement, right? I want you to grow closer to God, but I want you to grow closer in your security. He also says in verses 15 and 16, how beautiful you are, my darling. Oh, how beautiful your eyes are doves. How handsome you are, my beloved. And so if you're watching the trajectory of this, of this chapter, it goes like this. It goes from character to trust to her physical beauty being the last thing on the list. So guys, I want you to know something. Here's a secret weapon for you. If you're single and you're looking for somebody, you're looking for love, listen, you don't have to be the best looking if you know how to love somebody right. Cause it's something about the way women are wired. Yo, you look better the more you love them well. There's a sense in which the scales will fall off her eyes if you're the type of person who can actually encourage and grow trust and step into her insecurities. So here's the result. What's the result? If I got godly character, I got high standards, I'm encouraging, I'm loving. Here's what she says. Here's what she says in chapter 2 verse 1. She begins to feel special. Here's her response, it says this, she, I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of valleys. She begins to see herself differently. Like a lily among thorns, my darling among the young women. All these women don't compare to me because he sees me the way I need to be seen. He sees me in distinct and unique ways. She says, I am a rose, not a bouquet of roses. I am singular, solo, one rose amongst the thorns. I am the most special woman on earth. And so what you see is she's gone from insecure to special. He adores her. She's cherished. She's treasured. She is valued. You gotta cuff yourself to quality. You can't settle for McDonald's. You gotta cuff yourself to quality. Not only does she feel special, because I don't want you to just feel special, I need you to feel secure. Verse 3, like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. So now she went from being out uncovered in the sun to now being able to rest in the delight of his shade. In other words, she gets protection from me. She is protected from me. Here's the scariest thing about a lot of the stuff I read. They devalue women and they see them as things, a commodity, a piece of property. Fellas, it's something we have to unlearn because we've been taught this our whole life is that they're just a thing for our pleasure. We have to unlearn that and you have to learn that you have more to offer. You have to give her a sense of safety, of protection. Protection. Protection. How do you protect a woman? You protect her in three ways. You pastor her. You provide for her. You protect her. You spiritually lead. Some of us don't know how to spiritually lead. That's why you got brothers that can help you, that can walk with you. But you're the one, you need to start praying at the table. You're the one who needs to initiate the conversation about the Lord. On Sunday, I'll meet you at church. That'll change the trajectory of your relationship. You need to be the provider. Listen, some of us have incredible wives and women in our lives that can outpace us and out earn us, but that don't mean that they can outwork you. You need to set the tone of what it looks like to say, Listen, even though we making money, babe, Listen, we gonna live beyond our, we gonna live beneath our means, We gonna have a little budget, we gonna do this thing well. Yo, if a woman feels secure, she's good! She's good! So, provide. And then you protect. You lay down your life for her. Who is our model for that? Christ is our model. That he would lay down his life to protect her. He would lay down his life so we have to be those that step in and some of us do. I don't want to, I don't want you to feel beat up because many of us were never taught. Some of us ain't have daddies, some of us got trauma, some of us, we're just trying to figure it out. That's why I know we're walking all through this together. Here's what he said. His fruit is sweet to her taste. Okay now, this is where it gets a little funny, okay? His fruit is sweet to her taste. It's a little challenging to, uh, translate in the Hebrew. Uh, verse 5 says, Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me. In other words, once I feel safe, Once I feel secure, and I feel special, strengthen me with raisins. Raisins were an ancient aphrodisiac. Um, so we give them to our kids now for snack. And uh, back in the day, that was, oh it's a snack. So, I told you, it's like a special gift that God gave us. I don't know. Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, I am faint with love. So listen to this, here's what he says, the Bible is very clear, that's why it can't be about Jesus and the church and all that. That's cool, but this ain't what they talking about. His left arm is under my head, look at this. His left arm is under my head and his right arm, what, embraces. She's willing to give herself to him. Because she feels loved, she feels secure, you have godly character, you are encouraging her. She will give all herself to him. Fellas, it's the same for you. Raise your standards. Settle for the same old thing. And listen, this is just the beginning of a conversation for us. Because listen, we got a, we got a hard, some of us are so far downstream, we don't even know where to start right now. Here's what I need you to understand. If you're feeling guilt and shame right now, you don't have to. I'm not trying to heap guilt and shame on nobody. I am trying to paint a picture of a vision that God has for us though. Some of you are so thirsty. You are thirsty for somebody to love you. You are thirsty for attention from a loved one. You are thirsty and you are dying inside. Listen, Jesus says, I am the water of life. If you trust in me, you will overflow with waters. You don't have to be thirsty if you find your identity in Christ, then you can love somebody else well. So here's what, I need there to be a reorientation for some of us because you've been looking for love in all the wrong places and you don't have to. Now you can come to Christ and He will satisfy your deepest longing. What did Jesus say to the woman at the well? I know all the stuff that you did, but you don't have to be ashamed. He gave her a brand new name in a moment. If you would drink from the, if you would drink the water that I will give, I will transform your life. And what happened? She went from being the woman ostracized by the city, had no friends and nobody would talk to her, to going back and turning into an evangelist where there was a revival in Samaria in a split second of faith and belief in Jesus Christ. So I don't want you to feel shame and doubt and, man, I'm screwed up. All right, you listen. We can't do nothing about the past, but we can start today and reclaim our name and have a new future and a new vision for what God has for you. Amen?
