Words of Love with Dr Dwayne
Exploring the power of meditation and self-acceptance.
Words of Love with Dr Dwayne
Spunky Specs and A Young Physician's Personal Growth: A Coaching Session with Dr. Kimberly Gillens
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Summary
Dr. Kimberly Gillens, a recently graduated OB-GYN resident, discusses her struggles with temperament and finding the right words to express herself. She recognizes the need to change and align how she shows up with how she wants to show up. Dr. Dwayne encourages her to give herself grace and acknowledges her growth and achievements. They discuss the importance of perception and how others see her, but also emphasize the importance of how she perceives herself. Dr. Gillens realizes that she cannot control others' perceptions but can focus on being authentic and true to herself. She sets a goal to show grace to herself every day and plans to journal and stay accountable with an accountability partner.
Temperament and Clarity
Speaker 1Hello , hello , how are you ? I am doing great .
Speaker 2Where are you ?
Speaker 1In my new house in Georgia .
Speaker 2Oh wonderful , so nice . Yes , congratulations on major accomplishment , major transition . Yep how does it feel to be in a tent team ?
Speaker 1It feels wonderful . I won't officially start until September , and so I have a nice little break to get settled in into my new location , get my whereabouts and then also go on a nice little vacation with my friends , so that's very nice . Where are you going ? Someplace exotic , absolutely . We are going on a cruise little vacation with my friends , so that's very nice .
Speaker 2Where are you going ? Someplace exotic .
Speaker 1Absolutely . We are going on a cruise to the Western Caribbean , so we will be going to Turks and Caicos , dominican Republic , in the Bahamas , okay .
Speaker 2Fantastic . So you look like you're feeling pretty settled . That had the benefit of being around you at different stages in your life over the last four years , so I'm a decent read of your energy , let's put it like that and you seem to be pretty settled , pretty present . But if you want , we can take a time of censoring before we jump into this close-shoot session . It's totally up to you . We can absolutely do that .
Speaker 1That would be wonderful .
Speaker 2Okay , fantastic , lovely , lovely . One thing I know about you , dr Gilliams , is that you are all about your glasses . You have a pair on there today .
Speaker 1Yes .
Speaker 2I do , I haven't seen before and I very recently discovered glasses myself , thanks to my husband . It's like you put your glasses on and they definitely communicate something about you to the observer . But more importantly at least , I feel like when I put my glasses on I don't know , on I don't know . It's a little bit like what I would imagine happens when Clark Kent steps into the telephone boom or when Linda Lavin does her twirl , twirl , twirl . It's almost that in and of itself is a little bit of a centering exercise , a little bit of a centering vehicle . So , with that in mind , and understanding what I understand about you , and especially thinking about what you have in front of you , this space that you're navigating .
Speaker 1Tell me about your ideal pair of glasses . Ooh , my ideal pair of glasses Comfortable has to be number one . Yeah , Comfortable , versatile and spunky . Okay , yeah , that would have to be it .
Speaker 2Okay , spunky , all right , what does that mean ?
Speaker 1Spunky . Some people may say eclectic , but I like the word spunky because eclectic sometimes has a negative connotation . But I think spunky is more of the fun side , not something that's for everyone , but , I think , something that everyone can appreciate , even if it's not for them .
Speaker 2Okay , all right , think I'm hearing . Is that what spunky means to you is that it is unique , it's authentic and has a vibe of its own . Yes , very so , all righty , you have these comfortable , eclectic or spunky pair of glasses , your ideal pair of glasses , and go and put them on . And what happened ? Tell me what happened .
Speaker 1We just got I don't know , it's a shimmy . Okay , it's a shimmy , so I got me a phone or anything , okay .
Speaker 2All right .
Speaker 1And , most importantly , look good doing it All right , all right .
Speaker 2So I'm hearing , and I'm saying this not to put words in your mouth , but to give you the opportunity to clarify what I think I'm here the value of looking great , but also the value of somewhere in there . It sounds like empowerment . Those glasses help you to feel like you can do anything , but also joy . You're like happy . That was the first word that came out of your mouth . So how close did we get to describing what those glasses do for you ?
Speaker 1I think that was pretty spot on .
Speaker 2Okay , all right , and what else about those glasses will help to bring in to this space ?
Speaker 1Clear vision , and I know that may be kind of like an audit we had to see when people think of glasses , but interestingly enough , I don't need glasses my left eye , I don't need glasses in my left eye , but I do from my right eye , and it's needed because I'm an air sighted .
Speaker 1So when I'm looking at different things close , I have to take my glasses off in order to see perfectly . But if I need to see something far away , then I need them , and so looking ahead I guess the metaphor and analogy there would be looking ahead at the future I need a clearer vision , and so it's one of those things that I have to make sure that I wear them or at least have contacts or something like that . Especially if I'm going to a place I've never been before or going to a place I'm not familiar with , I definitely cannot go without my glasses . If I'm swimming , like in my hotel , then I can ride around without my glasses without an issue because I know where I'm going . But if I'm in unfamiliar territory , that is not something that I can deal with .
Speaker 2So , yeah , yeah , that clear vision and , man , you reveal something to me there that I didn't know about you that you have this differential ability to see based on which eye you're looking out of . Yeah , based on whether you feel like you need those glasses on . Yeah , you said something there , very powerful too , that when you're in familiar territory , you can trust you're not in the environment , you can lean on those cues that may not be 100% visual in your space , that may not be 100% visual in your space , the knowledge that you carry around in your body about that familiar space , your home , but then , yeah , you recognize that when you are in a place that's less familiar , you need that . You need that , all right .
Speaker 2So I want to reiterate and I know that we're recording a podcast but , alyssa , this space is about you and at any point today , if you decide hey , you know what I don't want to do , that you just tell them . The most important here is for you to use this space to move in the direction that you want to Great , awesome . So , with that being said , with those , you didn't say what your superhero identity is , so I'm not going to say it , but with those ideal glasses that you put on and that give you that joy and , most importantly , that clarity of of vision . What do you want to work on in the time that we have today ?
Speaker 1something that actually came up recently . Okay , temperament , honestly , that is something , but that's something that I've struggled with my whole entire life , like misplaced anger or really not using the right words personally , or even if I'm using the correct words , the correct tone , I get a lot of times I get overwhelmed and I cannot find the words . So we explain that to someone and that comes out in an angrier temperament than I intend to .
Speaker 2Okay , and so what I think I'm hearing is that the way that you're expressing yourself in those moments in which you're slightly off balance , for whatever reason , right , and we're all human , right .
Speaker 2None of us walks around like 100% on our game . It's completely understandable , because you're human , that you have those moments in which you're like , oh , I don't quite know what to do here . And what I'm hearing you say is that in those moments , the way that you're showing up is not aligned with what it is that you really want . Correct , how does that sit with you ? That is correct , all right , as we're talking about this , maybe that gives a little bit more insight into that phrase . This maybe that gives a little bit more insight into that phrase . But hey , I feel uncertain sometimes about the way that I'm showing up and my ability to choose those words . And so I have a follow-up , I have a go-to , all right , and all of us have that . So it sounds like , honestly , a very normal coping mechanism . So what , specifically about temperament ?
Speaker 1more so the perception and I'm and that's difficult because I understand that I cannot control how other people perceive anything that I do or say but I also understand that there are words that I , different words or different phrases or what have you that I can use to have people more understanding , if that makes sense , and I've had a very rough time finding a filter , so to speak .
Speaker 2Okay , All right , first of all , kudos . All right , it takes a lot of courage to even say those words out loud to another person . Most people walk around with them just rattling around in their head , but even more as they say it in this setting around with them just rattling around in their head , but even more so to say it in this setting you're taking some huge steps right now . You have an awareness . You know what it is that you value , how it is that you want to move through the world , and you take action to align how you see yourself showing up with how it is that you want to see yourself . It makes a lot of sense , all right , so , kudos . So then , when you think about your ability to find the words display the temperament , the impact that you're looking to have , how would you describe your ability to do that right now on a scale of one to 10 , with one being man I don't know how to do this at all and 10 being you know what I got this . I'm out here doing the damn thing .
Speaker 1I give myself a shot six .
Speaker 2Okay , all right , you give yourself a hot six , all right , she says with a smile . And so if you give yourself a hot six , all right , she says with a smile . And so if you give yourself a hot six , now where would you like to be ?
Speaker 1Ideally , I'd love to be a 10 .
Speaker 2All right , you want to be a
Reflecting on Self-Perception and Healing
Speaker 210 . And what does a 10 look like ?
Speaker 1me looks like me being able , more often than not , to use the words that are more receptive to others , and also , in the times that I cannot find those words because , again , human error , human flaw , that I can later go and explain that to someone so the 10 looks like hitting the bullseye every time , or being able to circle back and to do the service recovery right To use the corporate term .
Speaker 2Yeah , if you decide that you need to .
Speaker 1That's correct .
Speaker 2Okay , good , all right . So why is it important to achieve that ?
Speaker 1Going into a new location where others do not know me . I don't want to give off the wrong idea because first impressions last forever . It's very hard to change those . And then also my brother just yelled at me in the car and I think we should probably work on it because he has the most even temperament of anybody I've ever met . Okay , I remember I was like we should probably work on this .
Speaker 2Okay , alrighty , listen , since that incident you used the word , just like it happened today On Thursday Happened on Thursday , all right , and so what is it about that experience that's motivating you to show up in this space addressing this issue ?
Speaker 1I've realized . Well , that made me realize that I've changed , and not in a way that I like , but I know that it was something that I had to do to protect myself when I was in residency , and so it's bled over into people that I love and I don't want that thing .
Speaker 2So so what I am hearing is that interaction with your brother was a mirror , and what you saw in that mirror was the culmination of the steps you took to protect yourself . You okay there .
Speaker 1Yeah , I hit something in the eye , all right .
Speaker 2All righty . So what you saw reflected back at you in that interaction with your brother was a reflection of it sounds understandable emotional postures that you took in order to get through what is a very stressful time . Residency all right . Anybody knows that it's stressful , whether they have been a resident or not . The fact that you took those steps , those emotional postures , you , you recognize that they no longer serve you , ah , and that it's time to make some different choices . Yeah , how's that landing with you ?
Speaker 1Yeah , spread out .
Speaker 2In light of those choices that you now have in view and in light of your very understandable focus on wanting to make a good and lasting first impression right and , most importantly , in light of your desire to align how you see yourself so showing up with how you want to show up , what do you feel you need to address or resolve in order to achieve your goal of hitting that 10 ?
Speaker 1that's the part where I'm not exactly sure . I know that being out of race sorry , this is really bothering me . Okay , I know that being out of residency has helped Just in the short amount of time I've been gone . Hold on , I need a second .
Speaker 2Yeah , take a second and I'll be right here .
Speaker 1I don't know what got you .
Speaker 2Which eye is that ? Is that the one that you need the glasses for ? Or ?
Speaker 1That's the one that I don't , alright .
Speaker 2That's a strong eye . I wonder what would happen if you took those glasses off . Maybe your strong eye is a maybe , letting you know something here , just for the moment . You don't have to now , you don't have to , you don't have to .
Speaker 1But you were saying I think she actually might like that better okay .
Speaker 2Nick strongly likes that better yeah .
Speaker 1So I'm not exactly sure what I need to resolve . That's the big question that I sense within myself . Like I said , I think my not . I think I know that being a part in a way for residency is short , just not physically being in an environment . Then , further now the fact that I'm not physically in that state anymore , and then location in that state , it's helped significantly . So it's been . I've had a really good relationship with my neighbor when I was living in Oklahoma .
Speaker 1And she's usually seemed so different , and it's only been . It hasn't even been a week yet .
Speaker 2And when she said that to you , what did you hear ?
Speaker 1She missed me and she wished that I missed living there . But it's interesting . I will say that the people who knew me the best , the ones who I will maybe come back and visit in Oklahoma , I will maybe come back and visit in Oklahoma they understand , number one , that this was a really good move for me and that staying in that environment in Oklahoma was not conducive to my development professionally , mentally , socially , all the things and that I truly do not miss it . And it's not to say that I didn't have great lessons that I learned not saying that there weren't some valuable people that I have relationships with or have relationships with . It's just it was not good for me , and so everyone is . I miss you , but I know you don't miss here , so it's been interesting .
Speaker 2So how does it feel to say that out loud ?
Speaker 1It feels good . It's partially healing to know that others recognize that my experience there was not good for many different reasons .
Speaker 2Okay , here we are , without the glasses , which is a lot like when you're home . You say , when you're home , you take off those glasses , you don't need them as much , the stronger you can navigate safely in this space , and mostly it's that comfort level you have there . And so what's that strong eye telling you now about what you may need to address or resolve in order to achieve your goal of showing up as a 10 .
Speaker 1However , this can be done and if it can be done , but resolving residency and for all that it was and all that it wasn't , and I think more so all that it wasn't for the most part for me for Donald's part , for me , yeah , okay .
Speaker 2So resolving residency , continuing the process of healing from all the things that you felt like you had to project yourself from , yeah , yeah , and doing that in a way that is supportive of this process of transitioning to your new home .
Speaker 1Literally and figuratively , yeah .
Speaker 2So what does that healing look like ?
Speaker 1Well , I don't want to think about it . I know I'm going to be rushed One of the physicians that I'm going to end up working with one of the audience partners . She unfortunately had similar experiences in residency than I did and one of the points that she made she said it's going to take a long time for you to recover from everything , but she was like being here . She was like it's's completely different and she said that coming from her place of treaty and then coming to this location was like night and day and it made the process easier . Not saying that it made it easy , because healing is never easy , but she said she feels like it made the process significantly easier . And she just noted to remind me that a lot of the fights that I had to fight in residency , you don't have to fight those anymore because those issues aren't here , and so it was nice to hear that , that there was some hope at the end of the tunnel .
Speaker 2basically , Might , I offer you an observation .
Speaker 1Yes .
Speaker 2So , from the minute we began this call , it's very clear how important it is that people perceive you a certain way . All right , that's 100% at the center , the nucleus of this goal that you have . All right . What I'm wondering is how does Kimberly perceive Kimberly ?
Speaker 1Oh , how does Kimberly perceive Kimberly ? Oh , kimberly perceives Kimberly as a just kind of authentic , kind , loving stand up for what it's right , badass , honestly . That's the show I view myself , but that's not the viewpoint that a lot of people share at first , when they when they first meet me .
Speaker 2It's something that comes later , okay , okay , but kimberly perceives kimberly as kind . I heard that's not unclear . Loving I heard that's not unclear . I heard badass in you somewhere . What is badass in me ?
Speaker 1Just no nonsense , not someone that can be stepped on and just overall good , but what I do , whatever it is that I choose to do , not saying good , as in I don't like I can't improve or anything of that nature , but it's whatever I do , it's the best of my ability .
Speaker 2Yes , yes . Two things I heard in there who values excellence and who shows up every time with that value in mind and fully intending to display that , and I think that's further evidenced by what you're doing right now , by the way , you're seeking the growth opportunities . But then I also heard who is unapologetic about boundaries , establishing them , defending them . Even I heard you say so
Reflecting on Self-Worth and Growth
Speaker 2. With that in mind , why is the way that you're perceived by others as important as it is ?
Speaker 1as important as it is , because I've had issues in the past with the perception of me has caused me issues , a lot of issues when I was in residency . Multiple write-ups by various different people for a varying degree of things , and most of the time I was in a room with someone else and there was no issue at that point in time . It was something a later deal , and so when there are people in the room who know me well and those who don't know me well , there are different perceptions , and so I'm more so trying to figure out how the people who don't know me well can perceive me in a better light , not to say because they're not going to have the same context as people who know me well , but in a better light than they have historically been .
Speaker 2But how much control do you have over any of them ?
Speaker 1Don't have any control over that whatsoever and that is one of the constant struggles I have mentally because I don't have control over this thing . But this thing is causing me issues and people say that it's my responsibility to change this thing .
Speaker 2Those people where you just came from said that .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2Were there , and in what other instances have you experienced that ?
Speaker 1Well , people who don't know me well , not much as a resident see that was my first job ever .
Speaker 2It's never been in a situation where I was constantly around people that there was a huge amount of pressure and stress because it was a completely new situation on multiple variables New state , first job , residency , training . Those are the obvious three right .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2Yeah , despite that , you still got through . Yeah , despite that , you showed up every day , did what had to be done and you put it behind you . Yeah , yeah . Let's just take a moment right now and just , yeah , acknowledge that , because sometimes that's exactly the reminder that we need .
Speaker 2Right , it taught me some things about myself . It taught me some things about other people as well , and then I used that awareness to make some powerful choices for myself , and in your case , that was getting yourself to an environment where you did feel less foreign , where you could recognize oh , this feels like a place I don't have to put these glasses on , this feels like an environment where I can trust my surroundings . So the fact that you did it once means that there are potentially some skills there that you can apply to this current goal of moving from a 6 to a 10 . What do you feel that you can address or resolve right now in order to move in the direction ? Don't even have to get to 10 , you don't even have to get to 6.1 , but to move in the direction , what I had it's all progress , it's not all .
Speaker 1Movement is not progress what shall I that , honestly , at this point in time , right now , I'm just rectifying within myself that people are just going to have to get to know me and it's going to take time . Knowing that it's not within my control of other people's perspectives .
Speaker 2So giving yourself Grace Ooh , you read my eye . More importantly , you were reading your mind giving yourself the same grace that you're looking for in those mirrors out there . That's a powerful stint , that's a powerful action , and your subconscious took you there . I wasn't expecting to hear one of my models reflected back at me , but oh , I love that . Almost been into progress , right .
Speaker 2Well , just like throwing the stitch , you bought the place first you about to become a better surgeon and you about to become a better . You just like throwing that stitch right , just pausing . Oh , I feel a little off kilter right now . Who says that I have to move ? Who says that I have to take a step ? Who says that I have to do anything ? Motion is a progress .
Speaker 1Yep , your voice is forever in my head , every time I throw a stage .
Speaker 2Now it's your voice . Now it's your voice , yeah . Now it's you reminding you . We call it a higher coach . Now it's you doing it for yourself , taking those steps one breath , one moment at a time . Because , let's face it , you're going to meet 10 times the number of people who don't see you for who you are because you're in the city . That's 10 times bigger there's way more women for who you are .
Speaker 2Because you're in the city , that's ten times bigger . Yeah , there's way more women , way more individuals who look and sound just like you , but there's way more . That don't too , right , yep ? And so there's a couple of ways that you can connect yourself energetically to what you've just been through . You can look back there at it and let it drain you of the energy that you so desperately need and want to put into showing up in this moment . Or you can look back there at it and think about what it is that you've achieved and stand in that moment of awareness and then decide okay , what am I gonna do with this ?
Speaker 2how am I gonna show up , yeah , and instead of doing it one stitch at a time , how are you going to do it ?
Speaker 1One day at a time .
Speaker 2One day at a time , but even more granular than that , one second at a time . You may hear talking about temperament and finding the words .
Speaker 1One word at a time .
Speaker 2Yeah , one word at a time , one thought at a time . One word at a time , one thought at a time . Yeah , this is not a kid-friendly podcast , all right , it's about you right now , not a kid . If you did that shit over four years , you could definitely do it now , right ? Yeah , the agency , the awareness with the allies . Man , you spent two hours on the phone with a partner who is invested in your success , right In all the ways . Yeah , and now you're identifying the thing that only you can do , only you can add to the mix so that you can move into that . Happy Clarity Spunky , how's that eye feeling ?
Speaker 1It's doing a lot better , she's doing a lot better .
Speaker 2yeah , Would this be a good time to put those glasses back on ?
Speaker 1oh , we absolutely would love to put these glasses back on . Alright , it makes me out . I know you all about your glasses .
Speaker 2Now I know you all about your glasses . Where are you feeling you are in your ability to show up on that scale of 6 to 10 . Actually , the scale was 1 to 10 . Where are you now on that scale ?
Speaker 1I think we're up to a dead 7 . How do you feel about ?
Speaker 2being in a 7? .
Speaker 1I feel better than being in a 6 . Honestly , I feel better .
Speaker 2What's being in a 7 feel like .
Speaker 1I feel more at ease . Peace is a weird word to describe it , but I don't have another word to really convey more than peace .
Speaker 2Yeah , peace is priceless . Yes , it is . You can't put a price tag on that . I'd say that's pretty damn good . Yeah , all right . How do you want to close out this session ?
Speaker 1Just a thank you to you for everything .
Speaker 2Thank you , thank me . By telling me this , you learned about yourself today .
Speaker 1I have learned that I'm still in a very vulnerable state , but I'll be okay .
Speaker 2All right , that sounds like some grace right there , still vulnerable , still got some tender wounds that need tending , but also just optimistic , but determined to do what needs to be done to get there . So how are you going to use that knowledge ?
Speaker 1Just continue to show up every day , continue to be the best that I can and give myself grace on the days that I'm not the best , that I feel like I'm going to be .
Speaker 2And so what's one way that giving yourself that grace like , what's one way you're going to do that ? Let's make it real concrete . What ?
Speaker 1do one way . You're going to do that . Let's make it real concrete what do you mean concrete ?
Speaker 2Are you open to some homework ? I ?
Speaker 1am .
Speaker 2How do you feel about some journaling I sell just for our journaling . Alright , I would suggest you spend some time writing on . How can I show grace to Dr Gillen or Kimberly or your superhero name ? You got one .
Speaker 1I don't know Technically , technically in the sense that superhero means something bigger than myself . It's Riverside Dot and that happens to be my Instagram handle .
Speaker 2I saw that . Yes , riverside Dot gonna show grace to herself every day every day reflecting it .
Speaker 1Yeah to herself , every day , every day , reflecting it .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1Really just giving myself more , so the space to grow , I think .
Speaker 2What Dr Dwayne does every day . He gets . Before he gets , he picks up his phone , he's got a note tab open and there's the three things that I have to do that day , and one of them , the number one , is always about me and it's always about the intention that I want to resonate from specifically in that day . And so at the top today and it's been there for several days now it's lived fearlessly . And then number two because I'm about 75% through writing a book . So number two is writing goals ideal day because that's my editor said I had to do , and so , whatever time I got when I didn't pick up my phone , there it is . And then number three was the email for my coaching , and so it's a document .
Speaker 2There I address those three must do's today . I take a screenshot , I save it as the background on my phone so that when I pick up my phone and I'm tempted to go doom scroll , there's my intentions , yeah , and so there's all kind of ways to do it . But accountability is a huge part of this . You got your homework suggestion . Now you have to think about OK , how am I going to say it out of the bowl ? What's your thoughts about that ?
Speaker 1Yeah , I have an accountability partner and I talk to him every Thursday .
Speaker 2Love it . So you have an accountability partner . Today is Tuesday . How are you going to use that accountability partner ?
Speaker 1Usually every single week we share new things that we want to do for ourselves , or how the week went , things of that nature . And every single week I get reminders hey , how's this going , how's that going . So I know she's going to check up on me and make sure I stay on it .
Speaker 2All right . And so then , as relates to your goal today , from a six to a ten , we got you at a seven . How about you ? Ability partner .
Speaker 1That's right . Keep communicating with her about what my goals are and be honest to her about where I am , and then use her to actually bounce some ideas off . So I get stuck or I can't fluid the grace to give myself listen .
Encouraging Words for Aspiring Physician
Speaker 2I'm really proud of you , thank you , proud of you as a home girl because we from the same neck of the woods proud of you as a former trainee , as a young physician , because I think you've made a very powerful move right .
Speaker 2This is the attending speaking now , not the coach and as somebody who has lived and practiced in Atlanta we had conversations about the things man , the way you're showing up here today , I have no doubt .
Speaker 2I have no doubt that you are going to achieve what it is that you're looking to achieve , number one for yourself . You're going to be a lot of good for patients . Yeah , because you're doing that hard work and you're willing to get uncomfortable in that hard space , and it's a very powerful thing to model for other physicians , and so that's why I congratulate you for being willing to do this in this forum , and it's definitely something that will allow you to touch the patient in a way that is as healing as possible . And I say this because I know it for myself . I've seen it for myself and never been better at what I do in my life , and it's all because I'm well along in this journey that you have recognized for yourself hey , recover from what I just did , because if I don't , I'm going to bring it to the bedside . I can't wait to see what you do the next , and you know where to find me .
Speaker 1Yes , I do .
Speaker 2Have a beautiful day , Riverside Doc .