An Inside Look At Moving A Declining Parent into Memory Care | Special Guest Beth Crocker
Apr 18, 2024Episode 35
Sherri Lund & Beth Crocker
Join Beth Crocker, retired high school theater teacher and avid crafter, as she shares her personal journey of moving her declining parent into a memory care facility. Beth opens up about the challenges, decisions, and strategies her family used to provide the best care for her loved one. You’ll hear tips and heartfelt stories that shed light on the importance of proactive planning and the impact of social interaction on mental decline.
There's something new to learn every week, so make sure you subscribe, hit the like button, and save this video to a playlist. If you need help, visit https://willowwoodsolutions.com to contact Sherri Lund.
Timestamps: 0:00 Introducing Beth Crocker 6:21 Empty Nesting, Depression, and Families Moving Apart 8:44 Social Interaction Can Slow Dementia Decline 13:30 When To Put Aging Parents in a Memory Care Facility 16:24 How To Introduce A Reluctant Parent to a Memory Care Home 19:32 The Impact of Visitation and Social Interaction on Mental Decline 22:54 Financial Considerations of End-of-Life Care 24:18 Encouraging Your Children to Spend Time With Grandparents 28:03 How to Deal With the Guilt of Placing Mom or Dad Into a Facility 35:00 Advice for Dealing With Mental Decline in Aging Parents
Connect with Sherri Lund and learn more about probate real estate, downsizing, and caregiver support on
Disclosure: The information shared on The Probate Podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute legal or financial advice. We strongly recommend consulting with a professional for advice specific to your situation. If you need help finding a professional, feel free to reach out to us at www.willowwoodsolutions.com/contact.
Please consider kindly rating this show so others can find it!
Join Beth Crocker, retired high school theater teacher and avid crafter, as she shares her personal journey of moving her declining parent into a memory care facility. Beth opens up about the challenges, decisions, and strategies her family used to provide the best care for her loved one. You’ll hear tips and heartfelt stories that shed light on the importance of proactive planning and the impact of social interaction on mental decline.
There's something new to learn every week, so make sure you subscribe, hit the like button, and save this video to a playlist. If you need help, visit https://willowwoodsolutions.com to contact Sherri Lund.
Timestamps: 0:00 Introducing Beth Crocker 6:21 Empty Nesting, Depression, and Families Moving Apart 8:44 Social Interaction Can Slow Dementia Decline 13:30 When To Put Aging Parents in a Memory Care Facility 16:24 How To Introduce A Reluctant Parent to a Memory Care Home 19:32 The Impact of Visitation and Social Interaction on Mental Decline 22:54 Financial Considerations of End-of-Life Care 24:18 Encouraging Your Children to Spend Time With Grandparents 28:03 How to Deal With the Guilt of Placing Mom or Dad Into a Facility 35:00 Advice for Dealing With Mental Decline in Aging Parents
Connect with Sherri Lund and learn more about probate real estate, downsizing, and caregiver support on
Disclosure: The information shared on The Probate Podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute legal or financial advice. We strongly recommend consulting with a professional for advice specific to your situation. If you need help finding a professional, feel free to reach out to us at www.willowwoodsolutions.com/contact.
Please consider kindly rating this show so others can find it!
Hi there and welcome to the probate podcast. I'm your host. My name is Sherri Lund. I'm so glad that you're here. You know, I started this podcast last year in hopes to educate people and provide a community's resource to cover a topic that's just not talked about very much. Probate is massive and scary and most people don't know about until they drop into it. And then I had questions come up about what to do in the middle of it. Today's episode is going to be different from our conversations about probate and end of life planning. I'm, I have Beth Crocker as my guest today. Beth's mom has dementia and she lives currently in a memory care home. And today's message, today's episode is a very personal to Beth and I. And, We're gonna talk about what it's like to be a daughter with mom who lives thousands of miles away and how her and her family are juggling all of that. You're going to want to grab your pen and paper. Beth, I imagine my listeners have a journal that they write their notes down into so that they can come back and, you know, refer back to that some other time. But before Beth and I start talking, and before I really introduce her Beth and I've known each other for over 50 years. Beth and I, we have talked a lot, but regarding this particular episode. Um, This is a sensitive topic, and this is 1 family's way of handling it and managing it. And this is best perspective on that. And I'm just very aware that this is a sensitive topic for Beth and her family. And for the people that are listening from the same perspective that Beth might be sitting in today. And so this is one family's way of handling it and the resources that they have and the way that they found to manage this situation may be different from yours and your challenges may be different from theirs. Beth and I are both very aware of that. And we're extra cautious as we go into this episode because we are sensitive to all of that as we have this conversation, but that aside, I want to introduce you to Beth, because she's awesome and she's got some great things to say. And she's so generous in spending her time today. Beth. Beth is a mom. She's a retired theater teacher, high school theater teacher, and she says all the things that come with that. She's also an excellent photographer. She's a crafter. She's a quilter. She loves to bake. She bakes amazing things, and she does herbal studies, and she currently has 11 rescued cats. They're not all indoors, but 11 is still 11 Beth and her husband were raised in Texas and they're raising their son here as well. The rest of her family, her siblings and parents live about 2500 miles away and they're trying to figure out how to manage mom and dad's care. Both of her parents are still alive in their 90s, and they're separated physically and mentally because of her mom's dementia. Yeah. Beth and her siblings have found ways to work together despite the distance and they, they do a great job of caring for their parents. So. You know, this is a funny seat that we sit in, because as we're aging, too, we talk about these things, but we're also like, okay, what does this mean for us? And so Beth and I have also talked about that. Beth, thank you again for joining me today. I'm so glad that you're here. Oh, gosh, thanks for asking me. It's always self healing when you can share your experience, because even if majority of people, it wouldn't apply to there's going to be those few, or in maybe in the majority of people, everybody can pick one or two little things that, you know, might ignite an inspiration in them. And then that returns into helping us know we're on the right track. So I think this exchanging is part of the whole process for progress. I couldn't agree more. And, you know, the other thing I wanted to say was that you know, we're like, we're in uncharted territory. Both of my parents are gone. So I've done that part of my journey. you guys are trying to figure it out. And some days you may think we've got it, we're going good. You know, we got it good. And then something else comes along and so you're just trying to figure it out. You've done, you know, so you're a couple of years in with mom in memory care and moving forward with dad at home still trying to figure those things out. Before we get into that, I want to talk about you as a person. Let's just set the foundation of if you and I were hanging out at the quilt show and you seemed like a really nice person. Who you, who are you? Tell me about you as a person. What are you like? It's interesting because when you talk about me as a person, the average person, that's just an individual entity, but I'm one of two because I'm an identical twin. And so like my husband used to comment when I would say things, I'd say, we, I always identified in the plural. And he'd be like, Who's this we? Who else is with you? It's habit. Sorry. I'm 60 years old and I still have this habit. I am enjoying retirement, but staying busy and my son's a senior. So that's, and he's active in theater, which is what I taught. So it's a lot of fun. And so I'm looking at two different perspectives at the same time. I'm looking at because I'm a late life parent, my, you know, as 60, I still have a kid in high school. All my, Friends or grandparents already, but that does segue into my parents, you know, in their nineties. Luckily still alive. Luckily all four siblings are still alive to share that job of role reversal. And so I'm just navigating the waters each day, taking their lead because I'm not present there. And then living my life at the same time. I'm trying to balance it so that part with my parents doesn't block me experiencing these precious years as a parent. Yeah. Yeah. We grew up in North Houston together. Yes. And and I actually worked for your mom for a little bit. Your mom. I love your mama. then they moved to Washington outside of Seattle. Can you talk a little bit about what that was like for you? And what your expectations were before they moved? And then after they moved, what was that transition like? I had fair warning, I guess you could say, because they snowboarded 6 months there, 6 months here for quite a while till her dementia was just getting on and her dementia was so slow. No one's heard of it ever being as slow as it is. The first sign I noticed was like 15 years ago, and she's still hanging on and functioning. Just can't remember. She lives on a fantasy land. So the moves would trigger onsets of behavior issues They decided where are we going to settle full time? Texas or Washington and it was a no brainer You have three siblings up there and it's just you down here and at the time I was still working But I knew I would be retiring soon. Bottom line is my mom really preferred Washington. My dad prefers Texas though, but my dad acquiesced because she was the one they needed to worry about. So they settled up there now, keep in mind. We were all raised here and tight family, but my parents raised us to go find our lives and not be bound to staying at home, but I chose to stay home in Texas where I, at that time, when I was young, thought my parents would always be, I figured family gatherings would always be in Texas. When they made that final move and spent, they sold their Texas property. My Christmases and my birthday, which is in the winter time. All those winter events, my son's school activities they used to attend suddenly that stopped and I did go through really bad depression about going from family gatherings to my husband, my son and me, really, depressing. I chose to stay home and the nest left. So I'm like, where do I land? But luckily I can I'm a bird and I could fly, I can land at the nest. But yeah, that was a traumatizing thing for me because I never imagined I'd be the not near home. Yes. There's no, there's nothing like that support at home to make that easier for you because it is hard. Thinking about Carol's memory lapse, you said that it's been like, 15 years coming. It was slow at 1st, and then it, it was actually able to hide it she has always been gifted on a, I'm going to say the word psychic level. She's always been there. And there are some fun stories that dad's only admitted to us after she went into her memory care facility. It wasn't there to stop him because she kept it to herself. She didn't talk about it, I think mind over matter. She's always had this paranoia in her and it may have been her intuition knowing this was going to be her demise in the first place. There's no family history of it. And she had one uncle, I think, who had Alzheimer's as opposed to dementia, which is much more aggressive and quicker and all that. She just went into this paranoia mode in her young adulthood and it grew and grew. I think ultimately it's possible she manifested this dementia, which would explain why it came on so slowly. So slowly, like record breaking slow. For 15 years, she could hide it. She could lie about it. She could deny it. As more obvious as it became, the more fearful she got. She started becoming argumentative, more controlling. She was already a controlling woman, and she would get very bossy and aggressive. And that's the common signs that you would see in both dementia and Alzheimer's. But as we understand it, dementia happens slower, but it also includes hallucinations. Alzheimer's does not. Dementia includes extreme hallucinations. And those were really bad, especially in the middle of the night for my dad to help her deal with heartbreaking. But in those early that first decade, she could hide it. She finally admitted to me in her last year before we Put her in the memory care facility in a clear moment that she had. She said, Beth, I do know what's happening, but if I admit it to anyone, y'all are going to just put me in a facility and abandon me. And her biggest fear from day one was abandonment. And I assured her otherwise that would not be the case. And she said, the problem is in 15 minutes, I won't remember that's not the case. She even knew that she wouldn't remember it. You know, she understood the core of her disease was that all the comfort we could give her is irrelevant because it'll be gone in 15 minutes. And I believed and I reassured her that it's still in there subconsciously somewhere. There's going to be something that clicks and gives you comfort. And we just kept feeding her. And sure enough, when we decided it was time and we put her in this facility, we chose she actually regressed into a healthier standard of living because as she told my brother on one clear moment visit, I do know where I am and I don't blame you. And besides, I see you more now than I did when I was living at home. We had made the conscious decision not to make her feel abandoned to make her feel reassured. And my three siblings living there were going twice a week each. For that first six months, that's six days out of seven. She was getting a family visit. And that was way more than she ever got at home. And my dad said she might be better off there because she's a social butterfly and she has no one here at the farm to visit with or talk with. She just sits in stairs out the window. She was declining faster at home. Now that's not going to be the case for most people. We found a good facility. We have a lot of people to go visit her. But my answer to people who are alone in this would be build yourself a circle of friends who know your parents well, who are present, who could help with visitation. It doesn't have to be the children because she doesn't even remember who we are most of the time anymore. If anybody just comes and singles her out and keeps her company a while, she is happy and it makes her day. It pulls her out of those dark moments sometimes we find her in. And it lifts her up, so it really doesn't even have to, I think, ideally, as we grow and evolve as humanity into longer living lives, we need to be more aware of new systems caring for our elderly. One of those things would be, Full on companies you can hire like babysitters who would go visit your family for you because you're Alzheimer and dementia people with no memory. They don't know who you are They don't know this is a stranger and they will in time bond with that person and even if in their head They think they're talking to their child or their spouse or their sibling my mom swears every day she's talking on the phone to her mother who died before I was born, and given my mother's psychic abilities, we joke and say she may very well be talking to her mother, we don't know, but yeah. So when you guys made the decision, okay, now it's time you, you didn't actually put her, you didn't find a place immediately you, you guys took your time. But what was that like when your family came to the decision, so my dad was in denial himself and he kept trying to go status quo, the two of them living together and she was dropping weight like crazy and getting more belligerent towards them. Meanwhile, it was affecting his health. She flat out refused to go see any doctors because she was paranoid that they would not diagnose her and her fears would begin. So she refused to go see any doctors. My dad would go to doctors for his own care and he managed to get her to go along with him and his doctor would be in on the game to where he's really indiscreetly examining her through questions and things. So he was able to give us a lot more confirmation and solidify what we knew was happening. At that point, my dad was getting little mini strokes. It was affecting him on a level that it was going to kill him. Her behavior towards him, her treatment of him was just killing him. And the doctor finally told my dad, you need to you know deal with this or she will be gone in two months. She will not she will.. She's not eating She's starving because you're not realizing that she's not eating.. Dad thought she was eating when she really wasn't So then he got more on the ball and he called us all together as a family meeting without her And he said I gave her my word. I would never put her in a facility and I cannot go back on my word But I don't know what to do and we just stepped up we
said dad:
You can throw us under the bus You can say we overruled you because we're going to overrule you when it's time. You just tell us when it's time, when you've had enough. So during that next year, my siblings up there, specifically two of them did all the research. They walked through, they interviewed, they checked out all the facilities within a reasonable distance. looking at different facilities. They found one near one of the siblings actually, like 10 minutes from her home. So it was functional. It was 45 minutes from my dad and my other two siblings. And they were like, okay. We talked about it. We looked at the pros and cons. We looked at cost. We looked at insurance coverage and all that. And one brother manages all their finances. He's the numbers guy. And we settled on a location, but we had to be on a waiting list. So then they started notifying us when availabilities would come up and we'd get a window of opportunity to make that move. I think maybe we decided not yet and passed on the first window and then another opening came up and we let dad know and he thought about it and he evaluated, you know, his recent days with mom at home and with him and his own health. And he made that call and he said, okay, you know, I'm ready. And it was frightening. None of us knew at that point, mom was a very belligerent person and we didn't know what to do. And my dad, he couldn't even be a part of it. you know, because he couldn't have her blaming him or accusing him. And he was hell bent on staying true to his word that he would never abandon her and he has not abandoned her. So he went out for lunch or something out to the grocery shop or whatever. And then two of the siblings came and got her and said, we're taking you to lunch, mom. And they just flat out lied. And they took her to this facility and walked her in. It was one sibling in the end who ended up actually being able to have the strength that the rest of us probably didn't. And she just, Took her in and she and our other sister had set up mom's room. We were able to get her a private room, which is a big deal for my mom. She's very English and very modest. And even in her dementia, that's something that will never leave her. She needed a private room and we were blessed enough to be able to handle that so they decorated it I mean they shopped at the Goodwills and you know, they got a little rug, nice furniture Decorated the walls. They even put up a big whiteboard erase board So whenever we visited we could write messages and when she's feeling lost and alone She could read them and know that we visit her and it's right there in her face and that's probably been the single greatest thing we've done to help her feel home at home in her room. We gave a big story. We told her this is. a facility that houses rentals for people who have guests all the time. And we said, you know, this is Marie and Mark, one of my sister and her husband, the one who lives there. This is their space. And you're going to stay here while dad is out working on the oil rigs. And when he gets back, he'll pick you up and y'all will go back home. So for the first two weeks, they said, don't come visit her. Let her get settled in. We were, half of us were like, yeah, half of us thought that was insanely inhumane and mean. But it was their rule. We did it. We went and got to go visit her after two weeks and she seemed fine. She seemed like she was making friends. She didn't feel like any time had passed as far as it seemed to me. And the reports I got, I may be remembering in a Rose covered glasses kind of way, but it works and we started in with the stories, but we had to get the whole staff in on it. We had to get all the staff in it. They couldn't say things like you're in a memory care facility. They had to say your husband will be here after he's done with his job and everything was vague. She bought it because she liked her cozy room. She liked having people to talk to. Half the days, she thought she owned the place and was checking and caring for everyone all day long. Half the days she thought she was a guest and it was a nice place. She thought she was in England. Most of the time still does. Most of the time things she's in England and waiting for dad to come get her and take her home. And she's adjusting. She went from having to walk on a walker. To not walking with any support, walking freely, her swollen knees stopped swelling up because like my dad said, social butterfly, she spent all day walking those halls, checking on people, just checking on people. And that interaction gave her purpose. And I will say this. Everybody else who was brought there, they all say they, their kids dump them and abandon them, and they cry over it. And who knows, maybe mom does the same when we're not there. Maybe all of them had visitation regularly, they just didn't remember it. But I'm thinking not, because the guest book never had that, those sign ins for visitors like ours, like moms. And you'd see them be dropped off and then just decline in months. And mom in two years has stayed status quo. She has not really declined except in little details that keep reminding us to be prepared the day will come, you know, but I really do credit 99 percent of it with my siblings regular visits. They have gone to one day a week each. So she gets three visits a day a week. And that's. And if they're on vacation, then she'll go a week without a visit sometimes. I've gone up after it's been a week without a visit and I've seen her looking like all the other zombies there. But as soon as. I'm there, she wakes up, and I figured it's about four days. before she gives up on us and starts declining. But now I don't even think that happens. I think she's just accepted her role and that's where she is and they can go on vacations and not visit her for a week or two and we find her.. What now we're monitoring is the staff's job. That's a big thing. If we don't go two or three times a week, we're going to find her Room in a total mess with nasty personal things around no toilet paper type stuff. We have to go maintain that even though we pay a lot of money for this facility to do those things There's no amount of gold in the world that can help people that are understaffed and overworked You just got to step up and be there or have someone that you can hire to go in and check those things And that makes all the difference in the world their comfort level You Like I said, she doesn't know who we are. I've buried two children and she'll show me their pictures and say, they died. And I'm like, yeah, I know. They're my daughters. Oh, I thought they were my daughter's daughters. I am your daughter, mom. Oh, you know, but. It's okay, because I appreciate that. So, I feel like my mom. She left a long time ago, but there's a sweet lady there that reminds me of my mom. Thank you, Beth. Oh, you're welcome. I'm an Aquarius, so I'm emotional. You just encapsulated the whole thing right there. And I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that Carol has y'all caring for her that way. And, was everybody in agreement that this was a good thing to do with mom? Yes, not just for mom, but for dad. Because one thing here is, financially speaking, if anything happens to dad, the funding is gone. And so while we do have a backup plan, it will definitely significantly change her lifestyle at that facility. They grandfather, grandfather claused her in. So when her financial support stops, she doesn't have to leave, but they will be giving her a shared room. She won't have a private room anymore and that'll be significant to her. We don't know. We were very afraid of her. We didn't think she would last a year once we put her in the place, and it's been two. Who knows? Maybe when that happens and she has to start sharing a room, it'll be okay after all. You know, our fears will be for naught, you know? That's for another day. We just take things one day at a time, and we prepare. We prepare without really losing our time now that we have. We don't give too much time. We just know that we've got a backup plan. Because we, dad is now saying, I've come to the conclusion that you all have to prepare for her to outlive me. So we need to have a plan. You know, and it's true. And we just, Seeing her in this facility has allowed us to breathe a little and think about the next step Yep! So we could have a listener right whose parent is in and hopefully we do I expect us to.. Aging parent is needs to move to an assisted care community and they don't know where to start.. But what could you say in how you have stayed connected with your parents and your value of. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but the value that you have with your family, your parents and your siblings and how you honor that within yourself, you know, your own value and how you're choosing to carry that out. It's a sacrifice. Even if you're, your husband works for the airlines, you're choosing to Go up there often and visit and you know.. I go through it with my son.. He's a senior in high school and I'm active. And when I do this, when I leave home, I'm leaving my job as a mom and a wife with their support, you know, but being one who values family and heritage. It's important. Like I say, I'm late life parent. My son is 17. Um, I make him, he doesn't get a choice. We give my son a lot of freedoms to decide what he wants and, you know, in his routines, but once a year he doesn't get a choice, but luckily I don't have to drag him kicking and screaming up there. I pick, I let him pick when we'll work best with his schedule. And I even let him bring friends this last time, which was fun for him. But I get him up there because he is our only child in the sense of living child and all of his cousins. Are adults with their own children. He, that's how late life he is. He really has no family. And even down here in Texas, he's got a few cousins that live out of town. He's got an uncle that lives on our street. And that uncle is really like the only family that he's really got this interacting with him. So his family is almost non existent. It's his dad and his mom. That's it. And then his uncle across the street. So it's important to me that I maintain the legacy of my parents. through him. And I get him up there and he loves his uncles and aunts up there. You know, he's, he loves cooking with Steve. He loves going out on the adventures with David. He likes to go check out Marie's latest cool artwork or whatever, or, you know, and Anne, Auntie Anne, you know, she's just a bunch of wonderful flower and joy that comes around and makes him feel like, Oh, I've got that cool aunt that, you know. It's important that he also witnessed us caring for our parents. My parents have five kids to divide this burden too. My son's gonna have to carry that whole burden on his shoulders by himself and he'll be significantly younger when it happens because we are older, you know. We, as a human race are not providing for our elderly like we need to be doing at this point. There need to be systems in place and I'm not saying the government has to get involved. There can be private entities that create just like these facilities we're putting our parents in. Yeah. I think you're right. I think you're right on that. You know, we've one of the things I do now is help people find places for their parents to go, a senior placement agent. And it is hard because they want to find the best place. The best place. You know, I don't know that there is a best place. I've thought about this a lot, you know, because because mom or dad's not in their best place. And physically, emotionally, mentally, the best place is the place that will care for them and provide the care that they need. So what would you say to the adult daughter who has concerns? Maybe some, maybe she's feeling guilty. Maybe she's not sure if this is the right time or, you know, maybe she is like. Your son is going to be maybe she's the only one that has to make this decision or somebody has to make the decision. Not all siblings are in agreement, but it seems more convenient when you're the only one that has to make decisions because you don't have to consult with anyone. But I would say that's not a good thing. You need other perspectives. People think differently. I think anyone who's alone, who has this burden on their shoulders, number one, I would say get two or three good, trustworthy, lifelong friends that are willing to step up and help you. Listen to your decisions, look at your finances. Be there when you can't make, you know, make recommendations that you don't have to take. But I think that you're shortchanging your parents. If you think you can do this all by yourself that's a really good suggestion. And also to remind you that you're not feeling guilty. You're not you're not doing the wrong thing. You're not doing the same thing. Someone just to keep you going. Yeah, do you prepare yourself mentally somehow for. what you're going to possibly see or are y'all communicating enough during the visit so that you know what, how do you handle your own personal psyche before you step into your mom's room? I follow their lead and we actually, modern technology You know, people can say a lot of negative things about it. People are aging older, especially, but the benefit is these are two, there are two things. One is. For those people who don't have my advantage of being able to travel long distance to check on their parents, they can do what we are doing right now, video chatting, they can do FaceTime. They can do any one of the multiple options for video chatting, because you can contact the facility and the staff member. will get on and set it up and go to your parent and sit there with them while they're chatting with you. So you could actually call the facility and say, do you have an available staff member? So I can go say hi to my mom and they will do that. But the other thing is texting. As a family we have our family thread and we have our family thread and it's all of us, including my dad. And the oldest grandchild, my oldest sister's daughter, who happens to be a nurse, because she helps out a lot with the medical aspects. Her knowledge just gives us advice and things, but she doesn't necessarily get involved in his daily medical routines with my dad or my mom, but we go to her with, when we have questions and she looks into it and helps us out that way. So we actually even have a granddaughter in the thread. But every visit is followed up with a mom report. And that is to all of us and it reports all the details. And then if there's anything we need to discuss, and mostly it's like, Hey, she's been out of toilet paper now, both my last two visits. I took toilet paper up there on my last visit. I took three rolls. You know, we figure these things out together in these dialogues. And so we do that and we all report, you know, I taught, I talked to mom that I, we sat with her granola bars and sparkling water, you know, and it really makes a difference just knowing how to go with food in hand, gifts in hands, cause she won't know who we are, but she'll know we're coming with goodies. And that makes her happy. Yeah. It's also so neat because your family gets to participate in those visits, even if they're not actually there. Yes. Yeah. And we talk about it. We analyze what did we see today. Good day. She was in a good mood. She had no problem letting us leave. You know, other times she kept trying to say she needed to drive us home. I had to sneak out. I had to get the staff to help distract her. You know, stuff like that. We have learned the games and we work with the staff directly on helping them when we need to um, them helping us with our games when we need to. But yeah, For the most part, we have no clue what's happening when we're not there. Her blessing. Is that she forgets she had a bad day 15 minutes after an argument with someone at the facility. She'll forget it. You know, we still Obsess over our bad days months later days later, whatever, you know, we can't let go.. She can. It lets, let's go for her So when we see her in such a state that might make us upset, we just remind ourselves, it's like Houston weather. It's going to change in 10 minutes, you know, And we, we go often enough to know that she's not losing weight. She doesn't have bed sores. You know, my twin sister Marie she somehow is, it's ended up in her lap to do all the laundry. They do laundry there. But nothing ever comes back. Other people's things come back. You can write your, her name big in red, black, sharpie inside everything, on the bed sheets, on the little picture frames sitting. My mother, she thinks the whole place is hers, you know, we will bring her picture frames. Of us and we'll go visit her the next time and all her frames are missing And then we'll notice they're all up and down the hallways on end tables and in the lobby And she gets you know, she's an interior decorator. That was her career So she's always decorating the whole facility with her personal items And we know this. So we give her things we don't care if they're they get lost. We go to goodwill and get her clothes We bring her new slippers all the time because we'll go visit her and she'll have one slipper on and some You Some guy's gigantic huge slipper on the other foot, you know, it's just crazy and you can't control that. You just got to go with the flow and just keep her comfortable. So we do that. And that's what makes the difference. If she were uncomfortable, if she were hurting, that would be a bad thing. But the staff, some of them are nice. Some of them are rude. Some of them just don't care. They're burnt out. The nice people do their best. They're usually the new ones, the new hires, they get burned out pretty quickly. And you just got to learn not to go Karen on them. You just got to learn to save your Karen moments for when it's really important. You know, we've asked for this three or four times and no one's done it, you know, and go to the supervisors and then it gets taken care of. But if you don't visit, you can't do that. And if you can't visit. You try and find someone who can, because it makes it all better. It makes it doable and it allows you to live your life and still make sure that your parent is getting the best care that they can, you know? in the last few minutes here that we have, is there anything for the adult daughter that you would want to say from your heart to hers if she's wondering what to do, how to do, when to do all the things. I would say the most important things are number one. You cannot do it alone. You must have a support system. However, you manage that. If you hire people, if you utilize your friendships. But you must have a support system. You cannot do it alone. It will cheat you of your life and your parents don't want that. Your parents want you to enjoy your life and have a good life. They don't want to be that burden. So don't try to be strong. Ask for help or find it. The other thing is understand the finances. I'm not going to lie. I have no clue about the finances with my parents, but that's because I have a brother who does and manages it and we trust him. Now, if something happened to him, Lord help us all. And I have a, one of my sisters is always wanting to keep up with that. She's can you tell us, can you explain what you're managing? Because we need to know in case. You know, for some reason you can't do it. And that's true. That's good. I'd say, always have a backup on anything, but don't try to do it yourself ever. The whole thing, the whole journey. Is not a journey for one and understand the finances because you can so easily get screwed over and nobody even knows doing it intentionally. Sometimes you just don't realize there's better options, you know, and if you understand your options, we are always reevaluating our options in mom's care to decide if we need to start looking at another facility if we're not happy with this one Or if she changes or what, you know pros and cons I think it's imperative that you understand the finances even if you don't have very many finances. Well, Beth, this has been this has been easier than I thought I was nervous about this episode because, you know, I love you guys and I love Carol and I wanted to do y'all well, But I also appreciate your unique perspective and your willingness to share what you've learned in this process with other people who are steps behind you and just getting started on their own journey. And so I appreciate you taking the time and your willingness to pull the curtain back a little bit and let us peek into what that might be like for you and other. I absolutely appreciate what you are doing because like I said, we have to start stepping up and doing this as a humanity, as a human race, as we start to live longer, we have to educate each other on what we're facing and how to handle it so that we're prepared. And, you know, businesses like yours, people, outreach systems like yours. They're rare, hard to find. It's gotta be so difficult for you to get this going because we still live in a world that doesn't see its value. And in no time at all, within this generation we're raising right now, it's going to be essential. Yeah, I had so many people say why didn't anybody tell me about this? Or why doesn't anybody talk about this? And the that's when the educator in me said, we've got to, we've got to start doing something to get some relevant content out there. Yeah, because little tiny things like you may pick a facility that's perfect. And over time that facility will change managers. Change owners, even change staff, and you're in a whole new place without your mom or dad, even moving or leaving there, you know, and you're like, wait, all new rules, you got to start over all over again. And just knowing just being educated, just being prepared. It makes all the difference in the world. So those little throat surprises, and, you know, things like throws at you in the middle of it all. Don't throw you off guard that you're prepared. So you can be empowered to make some good decisions and have the confidence to do that. Yeah. You've inspired me so much. You, Nick and I are like, you know, he's I'm 60, he's 65. And we're like, dang, we got to get our stuff together. We're not as prepared as we should be. You know, we got, why are we not? Using all of this knowledge that's coming at us and actually acting on it. Why are we still sitting back and living our lives in our routines? You have to say, Today's the day. I'm going to step outside of my comfort zone and go take care of this. I'm going to go get that will done. I'm going to go make sure that I have a place in mind. These Are things people don't think about. And even when they're told to a million times, we tend to put it off. Cause who wants to deal with that. It's a necessity. And you have like literally lit that fire under me and we're doing this. We got to get this done because again, I don't want this all to be on my son. Yeah, my goal is to inspire 50 people this year to, to have a will or a trust or something. And so when you get that figured out, let me know, add your name to the list cause it's fun to see that list growing. Okay, so we're going to wrap this up. Thank you so much for joining me back. Thank you for joining me. Listeners Beth and I both want you to know that you're not in this alone, that if you don't have a team of people around you already to help you, please go out and find 1. that's what this podcast is about. I have resources that I'm happy to share with you. That list is growing all the time. But please don't try to figure it out. It's too much to figure out all on your own. And there's a lot at stake. There's your health, there's your parents health or your spouse's health. Yeah, please don't be alone. That's a sad, depressing place to be. Anyway, thanks for joining us. We hope that you'll come back next time. Please subscribe to the episodes to the YouTube channel so that you can catch the next episode. We come out on Thursdays at 3 p. m. Central Time. So I hope to see you again. Take good care. Thank you.