In this episode, Maeva talks about how passive aggressiveness shows up, how you might use it even though you don't know it. Then she dives into techniques and communication frameworks, including the non-violent communication technique, to better communicate your needs rather than aggressively.
Links to feelings inventory: https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/feelings-inventory
Links to needs inventory: https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory
Follow Maeva on Instagram for more content: https://instagram.com/purposefulliving.co
Want some 1:1 coaching with Maeva? Fill out this form: https://forms.gle/RfBKV8MpCiZu7vBy8
In this episode, Maeva talks about how passive aggressiveness shows up, how you might use it even though you don't know it. Then she dives into techniques and communication frameworks, including the non-violent communication technique, to better communicate your needs rather than aggressively.
Links to feelings inventory: https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/feelings-inventory
Links to needs inventory: https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory
Follow Maeva on Instagram for more content: https://instagram.com/purposefulliving.co
Want some 1:1 coaching with Maeva? Fill out this form: https://forms.gle/RfBKV8MpCiZu7vBy8
Welcome to Purposeful Living, the podcast that empowers you to live your life with intention and purpose. I'm your host, Mave Sifuentes, a business owner and investor marketer, psychology graduate, certified confidence coach, cat, mom, and improviser. I'm here to break down the woowoo into practical strategies that make. Actual sense for those that love the idea of leading with their heart, spirit, and universal guidance, but struggle to make any logical sense of it. I'm here to talk it through in practical terms and help you put it into action. In this podcast, I talk about communication and confidence. How to communicate effectively with your body, your mind, lovers, partners, coworkers, clients and friends through science, anecdotes, personal experiences, and practical exercises. We'll explore how your lifestyle and habits contribute to living your best life. Hey guys. That was so weird. I never really know how to start podcasts. Um, what to say at first from my old podcast I had, well, the SEO growth podcast that I had with my agency, I'd always say hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the SEO growth podcast or the flying cap, marketing interviews series, whatever I would call it. People would make my dad always laughed at me when I say hello. Hello. Cause he thinks I'm starting the podcast that way. So. I haven't figured out what I'm going to say to intro. This podcast. But I might just try to keep it natural. So today I'm talking about. Passive aggressiveness. Why we do it, why we might want to consider doing it less. Uh, and ways to do it less. And even if you don't consider yourself a passive aggressive person, I think you should still listen to this episode because you might recognize yourself in some of the things you might not even realize that it's, I'm being passive aggressive. And I think this is generally going to be a really useful episode for people who value their relationships. And also whoever in their lives feel frustrated. Because of something somebody else did or didn't do. This episode will be useful if you ever find yourself in that situation. So I do recommend you listen to it. So I'm sitting here. It's Sunday. I was getting ready to go to the beach. I was going to have a whole beach day today. So initially I wanted to go to, um, like this really fancy, like social members, beach house. Um, that I was like, I'm going to spend so much on cocktails there. Uh, And. I don't know. I wasn't really feeling it for today. I was like, I kind of want something. I still want a lush experience, but like a consciously lush one. So then I was talking to my friend and we were like, What if we rented some sunbeds and then brought her picnic and that kind of stuff. Um, and so we're like, that's a good idea, but then I thought, what if actually I, um, Just rent, like the ch or buy, buy the chairs. So I went to the shop yesterday. I don't have a car out here, so I walked for like 20 minutes because it was Saturday and everything was closed because of the afternoon. And that's how things work here in Spain. And so I walked for like 20 minutes. Um, To this bizarre, but bizarre. I don't know how to pronounce it. Bizarre. I believe. And I bought these two beach chairs. I bought a little ice chest. I bought an M. A sun umbrella. Parasol, I'm calling them a sun umbrella. Um, I think it's called the parasol. And, uh, and like a little paddle thing. He used to play on the beach. And I'm really, I was really excited about it. So I got up, we were making a picnic. My friend made like two. Kilos of tabulate. With tofu and a bunch of other stuff. She's bringing wine that she got from France on her. She's on a wedding there last weekend or a couple of weeks ago. And it is gray and cloudy and rainy when it has been beautiful for the last few days. So I thought, you know what, I'm going to wait it out a little bit. We're probably not going to go to an outside of beach, maybe just one here in Barcelona. If it clears up. But anyway, I thought I would sit down and record this podcast that I have been preparing for. Y'all. Something, I think about a lot. Is, um, positive aggressiveness. So again, I said, even if you don't think you're this kind of person, cause I think when we. Some people will openly admit it. And they're like proud of being passive aggressive or whatever. And they're like, I love reaching this level of petty pettiness. Um, I don't think that everybody realizes that they're doing it. Because there's some forms of passive aggressiveness that. I guess you could just interpret it as like avoiding conflict. Um, but that stuff still needs to get expressed. And I've gone on a journey. You know, to become more assertive and speak up. A little bit more and like speak the thing. That's there. The speak out the conflict. It's really hard. I have to say, like, even sometimes now after I've done a lot of work on this. Sometimes I am like expressing it. I think I'm expressing it. And I'm like, was that, did I say it? Did I say it the right way? Did I, was there some passive aggressiveness in there? So it's a journey. It's a journey for sure. It takes practice. It takes time. You're going to mess it up. Um, and that's okay. It's just about, you know, getting into the habit of doing it and making it muscle memory and practicing it. So passive aggressiveness, what is it? It is a way of expressing. Your needs or anger or emotions or something that you were trying to express. But it's supposedly in a nonhostile way. So, um, you're trying to avoid conflict when expressing this thing. So it's a deliberate it's deliberately masked. Way of expressing your feelings, but it's covert feelings. Like you don't want to actually say how you feel about the thing, or maybe you think you're saying how you feel about it. Maybe by being passive aggressive. You think that you're making the point? And maybe to an extent you are, although the other person would still have to really interpret, which that in itself is passive aggressive. Like you shouldn't have to make other people interpret what you're trying to express what it means. Um, But sometimes you're not even expressing it. Like sometimes they wouldn't, the message doesn't even get across. And if you do this enough, you might not even be aware of what message you're trying to get across. You just feel something. And since you're not used to feeling your feelings, or you're not used to, you know, breaking them down and getting the ego out of the way a little bit. Then you just react and since. Anger is socially looked down upon. And, um, maybe you didn't learn how to express your feelings. And we're going to go into that a little bit. Later. I feel the way, you know, how to express yourself. Sometimes people do this as a way to get revenge when they have perceived someone to hurt them in some way, in any degree. Um, if there's any kind of hurt or like, uh, some frustration with somebody and you're like, that's fucked up. But you don't want to directly speak about it because you're afraid to, it's going to seem like a big deal or no, you're not going to be too emotional or needy or. Um, just because you don't actually have the vocabulary to do it, then you might try to just get back at them. S perhaps, cause you think. It'll show. I don't understand maybe. Maybe they will see what it feels like to be on the other. The receiving side of the, whatever the aggression is, and they might act differently towards you. I. I didn't really know it. There is some goals behind it and it could be a mix of that. At the end of the day. It's not effective. It is not effective for expressing and is not effective for communicating and is not effective to incite any kind of change whatsoever in the other person. It's also not an effective way to deal with your anger. Anger is perfectly normal. Anger is. Fine to have, um, and it needs to be expressed. And passive aggressiveness is a harmful way of expressing that. Um, it is also one of the most detrimental forms of communication. In a relationship. So. What are some examples of being passive aggressive? Um, Some might already recognize the ones that are like you're giving a, a sarcastic comment or like a backhanded compliment or something like that. That's pretty passive aggressive. Um, but there's also other ways that you might not really realize that you're doing it. So, um, first of all, yeah, let's do, let's dive into these kind of backhanded compliments, joking shame. Uh, comments. Um, for example, maybe your partner doesn't care about fashion, your partner doesn't dress. Well, they just kind of pick up whatever's on the floor and they don't really think anything of it. And maybe they think it's superficial or materialistic or something or whatever they have their own opinions about. Making themselves look good or making themselves, making an effort for what they're wearing you on the other hand, really care about that stuff. It makes you, you feel good to dress good. It makes you feel great to be out with your partner, um, when they're dressed well. And sometimes you don't feel as good when your partner doesn't put in the same effort as you. And that's a perfectly fine experience to have a lot of people have that. And that's okay. Um, it's not judgmental. Um, some, you know, it's, it's important to some people and you should be able. To express that to your partner and they should be able to listen to it. So a passive aggressive way might just be making fun of them. And then you say, oh, I'm just teasing. You can't take a joke or something like that. So like, oh, you always look like a bomb. Or, um, I can't really think of any other example off the top of my head, but just. Making fun of them, or even, you know, when your guys are out, you make some sort of jokey comment to your friends, but you have to of course say it in front of your partner so that they hear it. So somehow you are getting that message across to them. Well, what is happening here? Uh, first of all, you're shaming your partner. So the feeling is already negative. They feel hurt, even if they're like, oh, I can take a joke. Like, they're just kidding. That's not really true. They're internalizing it. You're shaming them. It's not coming from a place of love. Um, and they're not going to change because of that. In fact, they might, um, just continue it just out of spite. Um, Which is also. Some form of passive aggressiveness, but honestly you started it. So. What happens is that person going to ever start making an effort to dress nice. Oh, no, never not. When that is your form of communication, because it's not effective. They, you have shamed them. You've introduced hostility into the relationship, masking it as playfulness, and you never want to have expressed your desire or need openly. So it's never there on the table. This does not move forward. This is all the only thing you have done. Is introduced resentment. Into the relationship and resentment builds and resentment is very destructive. So that's not really the way to go about it. Um, I'll go into examples of how, um, at the end of the episode, about how to actually like. Structure. Requests and structure the things that you want to. Express to do you your partner or to your client or coworkers or whoever it is that you're dealing with. There are structures you can use in practice. To actually make these requests. Um, that actually are effective and actually can introduce a change and progress and, um, meeting people halfway and the relationship. So nother thing that you might do as passive aggressiveness, uh, as a form of passive aggressiveness is procrastinating or self sob, self sabotaging. So, for example, if, um, your wife is asking you to do something, like fix the leak over and over again, can you please fix the leak? And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do it, but actually, um, you're busy and you're stressed and you really wanted to take the weekend to go golfing with your friends. I'm making such a stereotypical example, but. You know, you're feeling inside. Like you don't really want to do it. And you're annoyed that she keeps asking you. And again, that's perfectly fine. Um, But instead of just saying. Hey, honey. Uh, actually. This weekend, I'm really busy and I don't, um, I wanted to relax and this is going to get in the way of that. So I prefer to do this. Another week, or I could just hire somebody to do it, or, you know, find some kind of middle ground, but instead of expressing that you just procrastinate and procrastinate, procrastinate. Um, As a form of. Hostility really is passive aggressiveness. So I know that you're probably thinking, well, no, it's just because I didn't want to do it. It's not hostile. I'm just not doing it, but it is hostile. If you are saying yes. And then you're not doing it. Any form of saying yes to something. When you want to say no. Yes. It's people pleasing, but any form of saying yes. When you want to say no is passive aggressive, this. Because you are going to build resentment. When you do the thing that you didn't want to do. Um, it's, uh, you're not respecting yourself because you're not because you're not listening to your needs and your people pleasing, and you're not respecting the other person because if you respected the other person, you would believe. In their ability to. Be emotionally stable enough, emotionally intelligent enough to accept your kind. Request and accept your boundaries. Um, or finding other mutually. Um, pleasing solution. So you're disrespecting yourself and you're disrespecting everybody around you. Uh, when you do that, when you say yes, when you really mean no. And you may think that you're just being given or you're just being generous or being helpful or something. But what you're doing is build is destroying the trust between you, because if you're around somebody for long enough time and they start to understand that, you'll say yes, even when you don't mean it. And trust me, everybody figures that out after a while. They don't know when you're being honest. They don't know when you're being honest, because you never are. So, um, not only is it inviting people to take advantage of you because they know that you're going to say yes to anything. But also. Uh, people don't, aren't really going to respect you because. They don't trust that you are being honest. So. It's very distrustful. Uh to you and to your relationships when you say yes and when you really mean no and all that does is build resentment on your end you become resentful resentful to yourself you become resentful to that person even though they didn't do anything because you're assuming that they should know Uh and they're going to become resentful towards you because you are never honest and they can tell Um So this is something that i really want you to think about It's Again, Uh, it's. Saying. Not saying when something is wrong. Pretending that everything is fine when it's obviously not fine. So, you know, the classic, like what's wrong, babe? I'm fine. I'm fine. And then acting all pouty and sad and showing that something's wrong. Anyway, that is super passive aggressive. Um, so when you are upset about something even a little bit, but saying that you're fine and pretending that you're not upset. Um, that doesn't do anything for that really damages the relationship. Because if anything upset you a little bit, you should be able to direct it and you don't have to make a big deal about it. You don't have to be like. Babe, let me sit and talk to you and do this nonviolent communication. Like do this whole thing. You could easily just be like, oh, um, yeah, I actually, uh, you made that comment and I know you, I know you probably didn't mean it that way, because if you're with somebody. Obviously, they're not going to be trying to hurt you. Your partner's not trying to hurt you. And I'm sure you're not trying to hurt them either. If you recognize yourself in any of these. It's just your way of expressing it. And maybe that was that. And that's when this is a great time to communicate about it. So you could say something like, oh, Hey baby. Um, I know you made that comment over dinner. I know you didn't mean it that way at all, but I kind of took it like this. Um, So, yeah, I didn't, I didn't really like that. If you could not make comments like that and thank you. And like, it doesn't have to be a big deal at all, but just say it and then honestly, you'll feel so much better. And your partner will be like, oh, okay. Yeah, sorry. I didn't, I didn't realize I didn't mean it like that. And then you'll feel better, but saying no, I'm fine. I'm fine. And then ignoring them, giving them the cold shoulder, removing affection that is super passive, aggressive, and very detrimental to the relationship. And if your goal, if your end goal is to improve the relationship. Or to have a good relationship and to not feel shitty around your partner, then you need to stop doing things like that. You are responsible for your own feelings and expressing them and nobody else can know nobody else is responsible for them. You need to speak it up, speak up. Again, making somebody guess your feelings. Is a passive aggressive. So again, he should just know, I shouldn't have to tell him that that annoys me. Um, it's a trap. So nobody should ever have to guess your feelings, especially if it's something involving them and affecting you and affecting the way that you see them in building resentment. It is your responsibility to speak up. It is not their responsibility ever to guess. And the fact that you are assuming they need to guess or saying that it's not, you're removing the responsibility from yourself by just getting all pouty about it. That is passive aggressive behavior. Again, that is only going to hurt the relationship. And there's no context ever in the history of relationships where this actually works and where this actually helps move the relationship. Uh, forward and it helps overcome these things. Cause then they're just going to repeat. Um, again, If you withhold intimacy, affection, or connection, when you're upset that they are not telepathic. You're hurting the relationship. Um, All right. So. I've covered. I've covered a lot of examples. I think you guys kind of get the gist. It's just basically most examples where you try to find a way to express the thing without actually having to express it. And that's the, that's the, the basis of it. So why do we do this? Why are we passive aggressive? So a lot of it is that there's an underlying fear. And avoidance of direct conflict. Um, a lot of people don't like conflict either. They grew up seeing their family. That conflict was really bad. Like people fought all the time, so they didn't want to get in the middle of it or their parents just did not. Uh, address conflict in a healthy way. Maybe one parent would run a like leave if there was any ever any conflict or one parent would just like explode and scream and they didn't really express. Express anything in a nice way, or like in an actually productive way or useful way. Um, then you haven't really seen any examples of how to, um, express conflict or express your emotions, or maybe you were shamed as a kid for expressing them. And then you learned. Not only to not express them, but probably not even to feel them. So it starts to become really challenging. Um, to be able to understand what is happening and how to actually. Be assertive about what you need. Another thing is, um, people might just be insecure. So a lot of people are passive aggressive for people they are, um, jealous about or envious, or they have. You know, something that that person is insecure about, then you might be passive aggressive to them. Again, that's not, that's not really expressing something that you need for the relationship with them. That's kind of something, a relationship with yourself that you need to deal with and still expressing. Um, and that's going to be like, you know, backhanded compliments or those kinds of things, or maybe you're insecure about. Um, being able to do something well, maybe you're afraid of failure. So you sabotage it. Um, somebody asks like maybe you're in line for a raise at work. And, um, the, your boss asks you to do something and you're insecure about it. You're not sure how it's going to go if you were to make that role. So you sabotage it on purpose. I think that's passive aggressiveness towards your boss and towards yourself. And then we have, yeah. Inability to express feelings. And this happens to a lot of people, unfortunately, expressing feelings. Or identifying your feelings is not some, even like first we have to learn to identify them and then express them. That's not something that's taught in school. That's not something that we are used to doing and that we're familiar with. And, um, it makes it really, really hard because the reason we're passive aggressive in this case is because we literally don't have the words to express it. All we do is feel something and then we react. So we feel hurt and we don't know why we don't really know what we need. We don't really know how it made us feel or what the actual, what thing it was or what it ties back to. You're not really aware of any of these things. All you know is like, oh, I feel this. So I got to make somebody else feel. Feel that. Um, Again, if you were, if you grew up in an emotionless household, And there was little to no expressive communication skills. It resulted in most people becoming passive aggressive. Like if you don't know. What emotions look like, or if their parents bottle up their feelings. Uh, if they don't express themselves in a healthy way, you're never going to know how to express emotions. Well, not never, you can learn it, but it becomes a lot more challenging to do so. Um, a child's first exposure to emotions and communication is through their parents. And most people have not trained in this and do not have the skills because they do not teach it in school. So this is going to happen to a lot of people where you don't have that example of communication and expressing your emotions in a healthy way. Growing up. Um, Parents who don't know how to show love, or teach, how to show love. Express their concerns. Or take care of your own needs while it teaches us to be manipulative and find other ways to get them. Cause you're always your, your mind and your body is always going to try to find a way to. I get those needs. Um, and you might not have the skills to do it the right way. We also have learned helplessness. Um, some people. Have this thing called learned helplessness, where it's basically that. Um, you has become really comfortable in this kind of helplessness. You don't like it, but people come and support you. Um, you don't have to take responsibility for anything. Everything is, is the world's fault or it's the government's fault or it's the big corporations fault or it's your parents' fault or it's something that is something that. Uh, you don't have enough money cause jobs are bad cause inflation, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Um, and you become really comfortable in this helplessness. And you're unable to. Express what you actually need. It learned helplessness means you actually cannot be. Assertive. Um, and if you're not able to be assertive, then you're going to have to be passive aggressive because no matter what, remember it is going to come out, it is going to come out somehow. Um, and it's up to you to choose whether it's going to be helpful to you and your relationships or not, but it is going to come out. And again, some people want to normalize low expectations. Which means you want to set a low baseline. So if somebody asks you to do something like I used to live with this. And this house in London, and there was a guy there who didn't want to clean. Um, and so we put them on the cleaning schedule, Rhoda, they called it and he did a horrible job. Um, and then he was like, oh, I just don't know how to clean. Well, cause I always grew up living with women. I was like, okay. Um, That's sexist, but. It wasn't even that like, obviously he can clean he's an adult and a smart person. Like he could clean. Um, but what he wanted to do was normalized low expectations. So that later we don't have to ask him again because he didn't want to clean. And, um, we would just be like, oh, he's bad at cleaning. So don't ask him again. So that's another, um, Uh, reason that we might be doing it. And then again, sometimes it's just more convenient. It's not easy to be assertive. It's it really goes against, um, a lot of what we feel comfortable to do in the day to day. It takes a lot of practice. Uh, Uh, it takes getting through awkward situations for it to become natural. It can become natural. It will become natural to be like compassionate and kind and assertive as you. Um, set your boundaries and express your needs and express yourself and, you know, have healthy conflict, which you need to do. But there's always that awkward phase you're going to go through. And that is always uncomfortable at first. So. Instead of, of learning that and practicing it's more convenient to just be passive aggressive. But that said passive aggressive. Behavior does not actually get you anywhere. And if what, you really want us to see a change in behavior in somebody else, or you want a need to be met, or you want something it's never going to get there. All you're going to do is express the anger. Um, I got into a little bit of a rabbit hole researching this. And I found that in the DSM five, which is the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. They actually identified passive aggressive. As a personality disorder, a while back, like in the, in the war. Um, so passive aggressive personality disorder PAPD was conceptualized. As having three different types. Um, so there was the passive dependent, passive aggressive and aggressive. So the passive dependent were super passive people. They were helpless. Indecisive and clingy. So they basically relied on everybody else to do everything for them. And even if you're in this kind, if you're passive dependent, you still build resentment because you have needs inside. You want things and you want, you. You would prefer some things, but you're just completely unable to say them. So passive to send the dependent people helpless, indecisive and clingy. And you can probably still identify people in your life where like, there's like, oh yeah, whatever you want, whatever you want to do. Um, or they'll like tell you they want to do one thing. They'll tell one person they want to do one thing. And then another person comes to like, Hey, let's do this. Like, oh yeah, totally. Kind of passive dependent right there. Um, The passive aggressive style. Oh yeah. So passive actually eventually got classified as dependent personality disorder. So these are the things it sounds kind of extreme. Like I, I, I didn't dig into it that much. Um, I wouldn't say these are personality disorders. I mean, maybe these are, so maybe they're like a little bit more extreme versions. I definitely think that you can be passive aggressive and like learn not to do it. Um, as I have done. And personality disorders generally don't really change like psychopath. Sociopath's a borderline. Narcissistic these personality disorders. There's no meds that can change them. You can't really change these. Most of the people aren't even aware. So I, I feel like it's a little extreme to call passive aggressiveness personality disorder. But again, this was back in the early mid 20th century. Um, and maybe the me, you know, maybe they still exist and we can pick up traits off of them. Like, do you have now? Narcissistic personality disorder. And then you have some people with narcissistic traits, which don't necessarily have the personality disorder. Anyway. Passive aggressive type was pouty stubborn in a FA inefficient. And prone to procrastination and obstruction. I find this really interesting this line because. You know, you know, those kinds of people who are just like stubborn, inefficient prone to procrastination. And I like, yeah, the pouty ones. So passive, I'm going to read it again. Passive aggressive type was pouty, stubborn, inefficient, and prone to procrastination and obstruction. So maybe they're like, oh, it has to be perfect. Or I'm not going to do it. Or if there's any kind of one cop complicated thing that happens, they're like, oh, this is ruined. I'm not going to do it. Passive aggressive. Passive aggressive right there. So, and the aggressive type was irritable, destructive and resentful with an underlying dependency. Thought to differentiate these behaviors from antisocial personality. Um, so again, the, the, the aspect that ties all of this together is resent. And dependence. Okay, so dependence because you're dependent on other people. To figure out what you need. Because you're not going to, uh, address it. Even the aggressive type still. Doesn't express their needs. And so they become irritable and destructive because their needs aren't getting met. Um, so you're depending on other people to read your mind and understand you when you won't even make the effort to do that. So you're depending on others and then you become resentful. In all of these cases, you are resentful of others because your needs are not met or you did not express yourself or something irritated you. And so you build resent again. All of this is your responsibility. I'm sorry, but not sorry. Um, You can't be like, if, if you don't even take the time to understand yourself, understand your needs or the things that trigger you, um, How is somebody else going to do that? You, the only way they can do that is by you expressing it to them. And you have to figure that out first. And then of course, you're always going to be resentful. Uh, when, um, when those things aren't met. Um, so. Passive aggressive personality disorder symptoms includes, uh, generally across the board includes obstructionism. It's like getting in the way of things getting done because you're. Just trying to sabotage it pouting. Like Procrastination. Intentional and efficiency, because again, you're trying to make some kind of point. And stubbornness. So stubbornness being open to anything or stubbornness. About expressing something. Each of these were thought to reflect hostility with the individual. That was unable to express openly. So this individual can not express openly. It's an. Being passive aggressive probably served us as babies as some kind of protective function in our lives when we didn't know how to protect our emotions in another way. So it's an immature defense mechanism that continues with us throughout adulthood, unless we learn how to do it differently, which unfortunately people do not teach how to teach anybody how to do that in schools. Parents don't teach to their kids. So we hold onto this defense mechanism that we have as babies when we literally cannot speak. So it's because you don't have the words to express it. Um, You don't, you can't express how you feel and you don't know how to be assertive because you are a baby. Um, and so being passive aggressive protects your emotions from being hurt further, but as we grow our brain develops, we mature. We can analyze situations better. We can have introspection. This defense mechanism is no longer needed. We don't need it anymore. It causes more harm than good, but most people hold on to it because they're not aware that they're doing it. Or they never learned, they'd never put in the work to learn how to express themselves differently. They don't want to take the time to practice. Um, or they're just continuing to be really stubborn about it, even right now. Uh, maybe you're listening to this and maybe you're getting a little angry and maybe you feel a little bit triggered being like, well, uh, no, like they need to know that. Why do I, why do I have to always say. What I got to say, why do I always have to do this? Introspect introspect. If you're getting like a little angry about this, it might be because this is something to look at. Uh, it might be because this is meaningful and maybe this is something to start seeing. How can I express my emotions in a healthier way? So let's talk a little bit about how to get over it. How do we get over passive aggressiveness? So the first goal is to become self-aware. What are you, what are you actually trying to achieve? So if it's, for example, that example of I gave you on your partner to dress nicer, or, um, maybe you want your partner to buy you flowers, or you want your partner to. Spend more time with you or stay off the phone or whatever. What is your ultimate goal? Most of the time, it's not to hurt the other person. That is usually not the goal. Most of us are good people. And usually the goal is to feel more loved or. To feel, uh, to see a, more of an effort from your partner or those kinds of things. So figure out your ultimate goal here and then ask yourself. Is this. The best way to get there. Um, so are you trying to actually improve this relationship or get something from it or make yourself feel better somehow even just make yourself feel safe? Like that's an end goal. That's totally legit. Um, or are you just trying to be angry? Some people just want to be angry and being angry is okay, but you can also express it in a way that's a lot healthier than this, because this is actually damaging. So assess your style. Do you tend to voice your opinions or do you stay quiet? I've often been somebody who stayed quiet, actually. Um, Which may come as a surprise. Like, I don't know. A lot of people say like, oh, you're so. Expressive. And you're not afraid to say this and say that I disagree. I actually have, um, for a long time in my life, just kind of been the one to shut up. I grew up, um, thinking it was like, my value was that I was so temperamental and not conflictual. I didn't throw tantrums. I was rewarded for that emotionally. Um, so I never really felt like I was my place to be angry or to express those kinds of things. So it was really hard for me to be able to use my voice. Um, Are you somebody who says yes to additional work, even when your schedule's full. Let's be self-aware. Are you that kind of person? Do you say yes. When you shouldn't say yes, because you will build resent. Are you quick to judge or to blame people? This is a big one. Um, Think about it. So right now I'm asking you these questions. I want you to be really honest. About to yourself, you know, be really honest with yourself. Like, are you quick to jump to the gun to blame? Other people or something else. Um, do some people seem to dread. Expressing conflict to you because of how you react. So try to be, try to just journal about this. Journaling is great just to kind of become aware of things. It doesn't necessarily solve the problems, but just to help you sort out through your thoughts and just write, write out the stuff and try to understand your style. So when you are going to actually start trying to practice expressing, expressing yourself in a healthy way, use I statements. So some of you have maybe heard this before, but statements that start with I, the word I, instead of you. So this shows that you are. W holding responsibility for your own feelings and your own emotions, like a mature adult, and you are just letting them know what you are thinking or feeling without sounding accusatory. Um, And this is really important. Part of communication. I'm going to talk about nonviolent communication in a second. And this is one of the key elements of it is using I statements so that you can own your feelings, which are only your responsibility and nobody else's responsibility. So you could say something like I disagree instead of you are wrong. Um, If you have a request, you say, I would love if you can help me with this, rather than you need to do this. So focus it on you and your feelings and objective, uh, objective facts. One thing that's really useful is practice what you want to say. I know we only see this in movies. I started doing it a lot more recently. Um, We see this in movies where people like practicing the speech, they're going to give to somebody or like breaking up or whatever. In front of the mirror. And honestly, this makes such a big difference because it's actually, you actually need the words to come out of your voice and throat. So, like, it's not enough to just take notes. Or this think about it. Like sometimes you'll, you'll think about what you want to say, but then you maybe get a little emotional when you're saying it. It doesn't really, oh, it gets like stuck in your throat, you know? So it's like, it doesn't really come out the way that you want it to, but if you actually practice out loud, like letting your voice. Oh, man, there's still fireworks again. Um, like letting the. The words actually vibrate in your throat and come out of your mouth out loud. It becomes a lot easier to express these kinds of things. So you can ride it out, maybe practice from a script. It's going to be super awkward at first again, but this is when they say do the work. This is the kind of work. So it's not only going to therapy. It's not only journaling that stuff's not doing the work, that stuff is reflecting and expanding and just understanding. But then you have to actually take some action. You have to actually put things into practice for you to, you know, get through this healing or do the work going to therapy alone is not doing the work. Journaling loan is not doing the work. Meditating. Loan is not doing the work. All of these things are all a part of the journey together. And so you need to become aware, but then yes, you actually need to put an action. And this is going to be using your actual voice out loud practice. Um, and try to identify in a sec. When I got into nonviolent communication, we'll identify how to, how to understand yourself. So you can actually express yourself. Start small. Um, so try to practice your skills in low risk situations rather than like a big, crazy one. So before, if you've been super passive, aggressive, and never been able to express your needs in a healthy way, Don't go by, like starting to talk about all the problems with your partner. Start by something really small. Um, Or even practice practice on. On a friend or even you could do it with a partner. If it's for something small, like they ask you. Uh, can you go to this thing tonight after work and just be like, oh no, thank you. I'm tired. Practice on small things like that. Get used to it before. Getting into like tackling a really difficult situation at work, or I'm having to give somebody a bad performance review or, um, you know, anything else that might be more difficult for you? Evaluate yourself after you do it. So like, do it intentionally come ready, practice on a very small scale, low risk scale, and then try it out somewhere else. I also really like improv classes for this. So I do improv. Um, I don't really take classes anymore, but now I do it. I perform, but what I really liked about it is I could actually practice being assertive and that's a really low risk situation because you're pretending to play in a scene. And so it's not even a real life situation, but I already gave me some more courage to be able to use them in real life situations. Um, Understand why you need to stop being passive aggressive. If I haven't convinced you enough. Well, a, you know, it's not going to change the situation. If you want the situation to change, it's not gonna, that is not going to change it. Um, it's going to make yourself feel worse in the long run, even if it feels sort of satisfying somehow earlier on. And it's going to be damaging to your relationship either with whoever this is toward or with yourself. Because you will feel resentful. So passive aggression is not less aggressive. Just because it's passive. It. It's an indirect form of aggression. It's not a milder form of aggression, so you're just being aggressive and hostile. And you may think of yourself as like a really nice person because you're not conflictual and you're not bossy and you're not assertive. The bad looking assertive even though sort of is actually really positive. It's just aggressive. It's just a different kind of aggression. And another thing to remember is that you should give yourself time. Um, This is something that. It takes time to practice. It's a skill. So you're not going to be perfect at it. Immediately. Try it. You may mess up. Keep trying. Um, it, the point is to recognize your own behaviors and understand them. That's the first step. Understand why you're doing this, understand what you're trying to actually say. And then that can be faster, but then actually fully alterative altering your patterns and reactions. That takes time. I told you I've been working on this for years now. And even now, sometimes I catch myself something's on my mouth and I'm like, oh, is that actually passive aggressive? I think I could have expressed that in different way. I'm trying to express the need, but maybe I didn't. Maybe it's still, maybe I'm still holding back a little sort of, so it actually comes off a little nasty. I'm holding off on fully expressing what I feel, what I mean to say, and then it becomes aggressive. Um, So that can take a long time and it's just about commitment to the journey. Um, I realize it's okay to be angry. It's okay. To be angry. Anger is normal. Anger is a, is a healthy feeling. Um, you just don't want to hold onto it or dwell on it, or like make it express it in nasty ways. You can still be a very positive person and feel angry. You can be a loving friend, a loving wife, a loving husband, loving boyfriend. Uh, loving spouse. And you can still feel anger. In response to what that person has done. So you don't want to just not feel angry. You can express the anger if it's not that big a deal. And like, it's not something that you need that person to change, or you need them to know. You can still express the anger by screaming into your pillow, hitting your pillow. That needs to get out of you. It needs to get out of you somehow. And when you do it passive, aggressively, somehow still stays in you and it's poison. Um, Remember. When you are getting out of this behavior, you want to be assertive, not aggressive. As I said before, it takes some practice. And sometimes if you're totally not used to it, you may start by going completely on the other side of the spectrum and start with aggressiveness because you don't know what the middle ground is, and that might happen. That's happened to me. It's happened to a lot of people. So you kind of go that way a little extreme until you find it. But remember that you want to try to find your way to the middle ground, because the idea is you are assertive from a kind love, compassionate place. You're not being super defensive. You're not being aggressive. You're in a safe space to. To express your needs. Um, the idea is to just be clear. About facts and clear about your feelings and your opinions and let the other person know the impact of, of their behavior. Without being accusatory or blaming them for anything. Uh, and again, you have to be open to confrontation. That's going to happen. You have to be open to a little bit of conflict. Conflict is a good thing. Conflict helps relationships move forward. You ever have that kind of fight. Uh, with a partner or a friend, and then you ended up being really close after it because you've gotten through stuff that needs to be said, and you need to have these conversations. Um, I don't mind a little bit of conflict. I don't really get into like big fights, but I do have little, like pretty frequent little things where I'm like, oh, just some feedback about this and we can have a conversation around it. And then we communicate and things move forward. Um, confrontation can absolutely be direct and respectful. It can absolutely absolutely can and it can be loving and it can bring more love. All right. So I wanted to dive into nonviolent communication, which is a four step framework for expressing your needs. I learned this in therapy a few years ago, and it's been super helpful for me. Um, so the steps are observe. State your feeling, state your needs at your request. So observe when you observe, you have to observe what happened. Factually. So you can't be like, uh, I observed that you stopped giving a shit about me because that's very accusatory and speculative. You do not know the other person's feelings. You. Can not know what's going on in their situation. You are just assuming. So that's not an observation. The observation has to be a fact. Uh, I observed that, um, you didn't text me for two days. I, well, you don't have to say I observed, but just be like, Hey, you said that we would leave at nine. 9:00 AM. Um, and yesterday in the last two days that you said this. We actually ended up leaving at 10. That's a fact. Don't be like, Hey, um, it looks like you don't give a shit about arriving on time or like a, it looks like you don't respect me, you know? Observe it factually. So make sure to like pay attention to the facts there. Um, then you state your feeling, how does it make you feel? So I'll leave some, um, links to the feelings, inventory from the center for nonviolent communication, but they have like a list of feelings that you can have. So. Uh, compassionate, friendly. Okay. So probably not those there's some happy ones, but, um, When your needs are not satisfied, you might feel apprehensive, dread, panicked, suspicious, aggravated, disgruntled displeased. Impatient. What's really great about this inventory. It's not like it's just a list of words. It's a list of feelings, which I think a lot of the issue in this situation is that we don't actually have the vocabulary to state our feelings. So you pick a word from here, say, okay, that made me feel anxious, but you really have to tune in with the chef, be like, what did that make me feel? Um, And then you got to state your needs. So the same center for nonviolent communication also has it in needs inventory. And so you could have a need for safety security to be seen, to be understood. Trust you could have a need for movement sexual expression, safety touch. Uh, you could have a need for communion, ease, peace, beauty. Uh, independence choice. Growth, you know, like there's all these things. And again, it's just about a lack of vocabulary for a lot of people and understanding and like introspection to understand what the needs and feelings are. And then you can make your request. So you observe, you state your feeling, you state your need, and then you make a request which they are totally entitled to. I reject the request. They don't have to do it. But you make your request and if you've approached it this way, most likely they're going to be open to it, especially, you know, if they're a nice, good partner and they care about you, they will. Um, so I'm not saying. Even nice and good people who care about you. Sometimes don't have to abide by your request. It's totally up to them. If your request is totally reasonable and they're like all your crazy, like why are you being so needy, but it's normal thing. Then you might want to question it a little bit. But, um, so yeah, just an example, like, Hey, uh, we're out to dinner and you're on your phone and you were on your phone. Last time we went out to dinner. Um, that's what I observe. Okay. So that's a fact. And then I start, I can look through these feelings. So, um, it makes me feel. Anxious or I can look here like a vulnerable, oh, it makes me feel insecure or I feel insecure. You can say that if that's how you feel. Um, oh, I feel. Resentful. I feel uncomfortable. I feel unsettled. Uh, I feel sad. Or I feel. Self-conscious anyway, whatever it makes you feel when they're on their phone at dinner, say you're feeling. It's such a beautiful thing for somebody to say that feeling. You're not blaming it on them. You say this happened. I feel this. It's not their fault. You are expressing your feeling. You are owning your feeling in a calm way, then you say your need. Okay, so your need could be. Connection or closeness. Intimacy. So I need. Some intimacy. I need to engage without distractions for this time that we spent together for it to feel fulfilling to me. Then you make your request. Can we have phone free meal times. Whereas before you might've said you might've just ignored him or gotten on your phone out of spy or never ever have said anything about it, but you like attack him. Uh, for it in some other way later, when this could be a really nice way to approach it, say, Hey, we're out to dinner, you're on your phone. You're on your phone last time. Um, I, I, and it makes me feel a little disconnected, a little anxious. I would love it. If we could have some more intimacy during these times that we plan together, could we have some phone free meal times? Or even make it a choice. Could we be phone free? Um, when we go out to dinner on Fridays, I know. Cause sometimes you have to accept that. People are tired. They want to relax on their phone. They don't necessarily, always want to be on. So you recognize these things and make this kind of a statement. So. That is. Getting over passive aggressiveness. There's so much more to dive into here about how to be assertive. Assertive communication is really based on mutual respect. It's diplomatic, it's effective. It shows that you respect yourself because you stand up for yourself. Um, and you express your thoughts. You stand up for your interests and it demonstrates that you respect other people, that they have the rights to choose to work on this conflict or not. Um, So again, if you are. If you aren't assertive. So you have passive behavior, which is like, I'll just do whatever the group decides. They're like, yeah, whatever you guys want and you avoid conflict. But again, the message you're sending there is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as other people's and they are, and people will ignore your wants and needs and they aren't going to trust you. Um, and you are probably going to be resentful towards them and other people might be resentful towards you. So colleague asks you to take on a project and you're already super busy and it means you're going to miss your son's soccer game or something. Um, and you just want to keep the peace or you want to look like you're hard working, you say yes. Um, A, your family's going to be pissed at you. Your colleague's going to probably going to be pissed at you because they're overworked. You're not going to do a great job, and you're going to be pissed at yourself. This leads to stress, resentment, anger, victimization, wanting to exact revenge, somehow doubting or questioning your own judgment. So again, if you're aggressive, then you're a little bit more bullying you're self-righteous or superior. Um, you may embarrass people or intimidate others. Or, you know, just be like really nasty about expressing what you want and it's still not direct. So when you're assertive, it's. Beneficial to everybody. Um, you don't bully others. People don't take advantage of you. And You are able to Just state what you need better so all the tips that i just gave you about nonviolent communication That is a practice of being assertive um and it's a way that you can be expressed what you need In a calm and loving way and firm and compassionate and it creates win-win situations it helps you to understand and recognize your feelings you gain a sense of empowerment you're not the victim anymore you become more self-confident you build your self-esteem and you improve your decision-making skills and your relationships become honest based on trust based on respect So that's what i have to say about that i've been working on this for years has been really hard because i used to really really struggle with expressing my needs And i've practiced in a lot of ways and sometimes people aren't going to be responsive to it Sometimes people who haven't worked through the stuff themselves they're going to be offended you're going to hit their ego they're going to tell you you're making a big deal even though you're being perfectly reasonable And you know what that's okay That's not your problem. that's not your problem um you just have to decide what to do with those people Cause sometimes people aren't going to request your needs most healthy people, sorry they're not going to um some people are not going to be able to meet your requests Most healthy people will And i and especially if it's people who you can choose in your life i would recommend you choose healthy people To surround you and your life Um so that's it for today I really am glad that you guys listened to me again once more if you've listened to it All the way till the end of this episode I love you thank you so much and um let's see if i can head to the beach now So thanks again guys this assuming that people should know. There's a lot of women I'm talking to them. Heterosexual relationships here, mostly. Who are like. Well, he should just know. To do this thing. I guess it goes both ways, you know? Um, you don't want to ask a guy to come and pick you up for a date, even though you want that he should just know. You are going to you go and open the door for yourself fast because you assume he's not going to do it. You assume he doesn't want to do it. And yet you're resentful towards him. Because you wanted him to open the door for you and he should just know to do that. He should just go and run in front of the door, even though you are actually running in front of the door and opening a for yourself, rather than giving him the space or even telling him. I love it when. You opened the door for me. Um, Yeah, he should just know that I wanted him to dress nice for this event. He should know that this was important to me yet. You have never told him that in a kind and direct and. From. You know, but loving way. Um, so. Nobody should just know. Yes, you may, you may have your assumptions and you assume, you may think that everybody needs to think the same way as you. Um, but they just can't. And even if you guys have a lot of overlapping ways of thinking, overlapping ideas about things. Um, they're still not gonna be able to read your mind. So some things might be different if you have a need. If you have an expectation, if you have a hope, you need to express it. With your words explicitly give people the instructions and do it kindly. I think one of the things, when we start to practice assertiveness and setting boundaries and practicing ways of communication, that's not passive aggressive. Uh, or, you know, just clear and assertive. We go a little bit too much to the extreme. This is what, how I was as well. When I started learning how to set my boundaries. I would S I would be very defensive about my boundaries. And be very like strict about them almost to the point where even that was a little hostile, but it was still better than being passive aggressive or not being not clearly stating them. It was still better because at least I stated my needs and I had those boundaries set, but it was still not. Super conducive to a fruitful, communicative relationship. And as it wasn't just for partners. It's you know, friends and family and whatever. Um, there are ways that you can do it, but you have to go through that phase if you're really a people pleaser and you don't have to, if you can go straight to, you know, kind compassionate boundary setting and in assertiveness, Uh, then that's awesome. But some people have to go through that phase just to be able to find that kind of middle ground and that's okay. It's going to be uncomfortable. You got to experiment with what works for you. You know, we experiment when we're in high school and when we're teenagers. Uh, with our laugh, our signature, our, a style, all of that stuff until you kind of find what's yours. If you haven't found a way to communicate clearly and overtly and kindly and compassionately your whole life, even though you're an adult now, um, maybe even you've been an adult for a really long time. You're still going to have to practice and you're still gonna have to get used to it and find that style the same way that you do when you're a teenager. So, you know, Um, We're all still young. And, uh, we all saw, still got things to learn, and it's really exciting to be able to learn this kind of stuff and practice it. And it really is just like learning language. It's going to feel awkward. Anyway, I digress. Um, so back to, uh, ways that you might be passive aggressive. So what did I say already? I said a backhanded compliments, any kind of. Any, oh yeah. Backhanded compliments. You, you guys are familiar with that. I remember, um, once a long time ago. I mean I've, I've had, I've received more. I received some backhanded comments, not that much because. Um, I dunno. I just got to stop hanging out with people who give that kind of. It was such a nasty kind of passive aggressiveness. Um, there was a girl, she was like, she's now the ex-girlfriend of my ex. So she was the girlfriend of my ex like a long time ago. Um, and we were all in the same friends group. So I think she didn't like, I mean, obviously it's normal that to not like that your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is still hanging out in the same friends group as him. So I guess I empathize with that. Um, But I just remember looking at, um, there was like a picture of Halloween costumes getting ready for Halloween and she commented on it on Facebook and it was something like, oh, mama, you look great as a clown. Or it was like me and this other guy who was like, oh, um, X guy, you look, you look great. I was a friend. Um, I won't say his name just cause I'm keeping everybody anonymous. Oh, you look great in this picture, mama, you would look great as a clown or something like that. Um, He's very passive aggressive and I mean, It's hard because there's nothing really that she wanted to communicate to me. And it wasn't really about improving the relationship there. It was just like, ah, she felt really frustrated that I was still hanging out around her current boyfriend a lot, which I understand, but. And it was not really, maybe she couldn't express it to her boyfriend because she would feel like she's not that cool chill girl. Or she would feel too needy or she'd feel too jealous. So she didn't want to express it to him. Maybe I have no idea what it was like. And so she had to express that in another way toward me. Um, So that is a backhanded compliment. Um, There are other ways. As well that you could display passive aggressiveness Again, Uh, it's. Saying. Not saying when something is wrong. Pretending that everything is fine when it's obviously not fine. So, you know, the classic, like what's wrong, babe? I'm fine. I'm fine. And then acting all pouty and sad and showing that something's wrong. Anyway, that is super passive aggressive. Um, so when you are upset about something even a little bit, but saying that you're fine and pretending that you're not upset. Um, that doesn't do anything for that really damages the relationship. Because if anything upset you a little bit, you should be able to direct it and you don't have to make a big deal about it. You don't have to be like. Babe, let me sit and talk to you and do this nonviolent communication. Like do this whole thing. You could easily just be like, oh, um, yeah, I actually, uh, you made that comment and I know you, I know you probably didn't mean it that way, because if you're with somebody. Obviously, they're not going to be trying to hurt you. Your partner's not trying to hurt you. And I'm sure you're not trying to hurt them either. If you recognize yourself in any of these. It's just your way of expressing it. And maybe that was that. And that's when this is a great time to communicate about it. So you could say something like, oh, Hey baby. Um, I know you made that comment over dinner. I know you didn't mean it that way at all, but I kind of took it like this. Um, So, yeah, I didn't, I didn't really like that. If you could not make comments like that and thank you. And like, it doesn't have to be a big deal at all, but just say it and then honestly, you'll feel so much better. And your partner will be like, oh, okay. Yeah, sorry. I didn't, I didn't realize I didn't mean it like that. And then you'll feel better, but saying no, I'm fine. I'm fine. And then ignoring them, giving them the cold shoulder, removing affection that is super passive, aggressive, and very detrimental to the relationship. And if your goal, if your end goal is to improve the relationship. Or to have a good relationship and to not feel shitty around your partner, then you need to stop doing things like that. You are responsible for your own feelings and expressing them and nobody else can know nobody else is responsible for them. You need to speak it up, speak up. Again, making somebody guess your feelings. Is a passive aggressive. So again, he should just know, I shouldn't have to tell him that that annoys me. Um, it's a trap. So nobody should ever have to guess your feelings, especially if it's something involving them and affecting you and affecting the way that you see them in building resentment. It is your responsibility to speak up. It is not their responsibility ever to guess. And the fact that you are assuming they need to guess or saying that it's not, you're removing the responsibility from yourself by just getting all pouty about it. That is passive aggressive behavior. Again, that is only going to hurt the relationship. And there's no context ever in the history of relationships where this actually works and where this actually helps move the relationship. Uh, forward and it helps overcome these things. Cause then they're just going to repeat. Um, again, If you withhold intimacy, affection, or connection, when you're upset that they are not telepathic. You're hurting the relationship. Um, All right. So. I've covered. I've covered a lot of examples. I think you guys kind of get the gist. It's just basically most examples where you try to find a way to express the thing without actually having to express it. And that's the, that's the, the basis of it. So why do we do this? Why are we passive aggressive? So a lot of it is that there's an underlying fear. And avoidance of direct conflict. Um, a lot of people don't like conflict either. They grew up seeing their family. That conflict was really bad. Like people fought all the time, so they didn't want to get in the middle of it or their parents just did not. Uh, address conflict in a healthy way. Maybe one parent would run a like leave if there was any ever any conflict or one parent would just like explode and scream and they didn't really express. Express anything in a nice way, or like in an actually productive way or useful way. Um, then you haven't really seen any examples of how to, um, express conflict or express your emotions, or maybe you were shamed as a kid for expressing them. And then you learned. Not only to not express them, but probably not even to feel them. So it starts to become really challenging. Um, to be able to understand what is happening and how to actually. Be assertive about what you need. Another thing is, um, people might just be insecure. So a lot of people are passive aggressive for people they are, um, jealous about or envious, or they have. You know, something that that person is insecure about, then you might be passive aggressive to them. Again, that's not, that's not really expressing something that you need for the relationship with them. That's kind of something, a relationship with yourself that you need to deal with and still expressing. Um, and that's going to be like, you know, backhanded compliments or those kinds of things, or maybe you're insecure about. Um, being able to do something well, maybe you're afraid of failure. So you sabotage it. Um, somebody asks like maybe you're in line for a raise at work. And, um, the, your boss asks you to do something and you're insecure about it. You're not sure how it's going to go if you were to make that role. So you sabotage it on purpose. I think that's passive aggressiveness towards your boss and towards yourself. And then we have, yeah. Inability to express feelings. And this happens to a lot of people, unfortunately, expressing feelings. Or identifying your feelings is not some, even like first we have to learn to identify them and then express them. That's not something that's taught in school. That's not something that we are used to doing and that we're familiar with. And, um, it makes it really, really hard because the reason we're passive aggressive in this case is because we literally don't have the words to express it. All we do is feel something and then we react. So we feel hurt and we don't know why we don't really know what we need. We don't really know how it made us feel or what the actual, what thing it was or what it ties back to. You're not really aware of any of these things. All you know is like, oh, I feel this. So I got to make somebody else feel. Feel that. Um, Again, if you were, if you grew up in an emotionless household, And there was little to no expressive communication skills. It resulted in most people becoming passive aggressive. Like if you don't know. What emotions look like, or if their parents bottle up their feelings. Uh, if they don't express themselves in a healthy way, you're never going to know how to express emotions. Well, not never, you can learn it, but it becomes a lot more challenging to do so. Um, a child's first exposure to emotions and communication is through their parents. And most people have not trained in this and do not have the skills because they do not teach it in school. So this is going to happen to a lot of people where you don't have that example of communication and expressing your emotions in a healthy way. Growing up. Um, Parents who don't know how to show love, or teach, how to show love. Express their concerns. Or take care of your own needs while it teaches us to be manipulative and find other ways to get them. Cause you're always your, your mind and your body is always going to try to find a way to. I get those needs. Um, and you might not have the skills to do it the right way. We also have learned helplessness. Um, some people. Have this thing called learned helplessness, where it's basically that. Um, you has become really comfortable in this kind of helplessness. You don't like it, but people come and support you. Um, you don't have to take responsibility for anything. Everything is, is the world's fault or it's the government's fault or it's the big corporations fault or it's your parents' fault or it's something that is something that. Uh, you don't have enough money cause jobs are bad cause inflation, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Um, and you become really comfortable in this helplessness. And you're unable to. Express what you actually need. It learned helplessness means you actually cannot be. Assertive. Um, and if you're not able to be assertive, then you're going to have to be passive aggressive because no matter what, remember it is going to come out, it is going to come out somehow. Um, and it's up to you to choose whether it's going to be helpful to you and your relationships or not, but it is going to come out. And again, some people want to normalize low expectations. Which means you want to set a low baseline. So if somebody asks you to do something like I used to live with this. And this house in London, and there was a guy there who didn't want to clean. Um, and so we put them on the cleaning schedule, Rhoda, they called it and he did a horrible job. Um, and then he was like, oh, I just don't know how to clean. Well, cause I always grew up living with women. I was like, okay. Um, That's sexist, but. It wasn't even that like, obviously he can clean he's an adult and a smart person. Like he could clean. Um, but what he wanted to do was normalized low expectations. So that later we don't have to ask him again because he didn't want to clean. And, um, we would just be like, oh, he's bad at cleaning. So don't ask him again. So that's another, um, Uh, reason that we might be doing it. And then again, sometimes it's just more convenient. It's not easy to be assertive. It's it really goes against, um, a lot of what we feel comfortable to do in the day to day. It takes a lot of practice. Uh, Uh, it takes getting through awkward situations for it to become natural. It can become natural. It will become natural to be like compassionate and kind and assertive as you. Um, set your boundaries and express your needs and express yourself and, you know, have healthy conflict, which you need to do. But there's always that awkward phase you're going to go through. And that is always uncomfortable at first. So. Instead of, of learning that and practicing it's more convenient to just be passive aggressive. But that said passive aggressive. Behavior does not actually get you anywhere. And if what, you really want us to see a change in behavior in somebody else, or you want a need to be met, or you want something it's never going to get there. All you're going to do is express the anger. Um, I got into a little bit of a rabbit hole researching this. And I found that in the DSM five, which is the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. They actually identified passive aggressive. As a personality disorder, a while back, like in the, in the war. Um, so passive aggressive personality disorder PAPD was conceptualized. As having three different types. Um, so there was the passive dependent, passive aggressive and aggressive. So the passive dependent were super passive people. They were helpless. Indecisive and clingy. So they basically relied on everybody else to do everything for them. And even if you're in this kind, if you're passive dependent, you still build resentment because you have needs inside. You want things and you want, you. You would prefer some things, but you're just completely unable to say them. So passive to send the dependent people helpless, indecisive and clingy. And you can probably still identify people in your life where like, there's like, oh yeah, whatever you want, whatever you want to do. Um, or they'll like tell you they want to do one thing. They'll tell one person they want to do one thing. And then another person comes to like, Hey, let's do this. Like, oh yeah, totally. Kind of passive dependent right there. Um, The passive aggressive style. Oh yeah. So passive actually eventually got classified as dependent personality disorder. So these are the things it sounds kind of extreme. Like I, I, I didn't dig into it that much. Um, I wouldn't say these are personality disorders. I mean, maybe these are, so maybe they're like a little bit more extreme versions. I definitely think that you can be passive aggressive and like learn not to do it. Um, as I have done. And personality disorders generally don't really change like psychopath. Sociopath's a borderline. Narcissistic these personality disorders. There's no meds that can change them. You can't really change these. Most of the people aren't even aware. So I, I feel like it's a little extreme to call passive aggressiveness personality disorder. But again, this was back in the early mid 20th century. Um, and maybe the me, you know, maybe they still exist and we can pick up traits off of them. Like, do you have now? Narcissistic personality disorder. And then you have some people with narcissistic traits, which don't necessarily have the personality disorder. Anyway. Passive aggressive type was pouty stubborn in a FA inefficient. And prone to procrastination and obstruction. I find this really interesting this line because. You know, you know, those kinds of people who are just like stubborn, inefficient prone to procrastination. And I like, yeah, the pouty ones. So passive, I'm going to read it again. Passive aggressive type was pouty, stubborn, inefficient, and prone to procrastination and obstruction. So maybe they're like, oh, it has to be perfect. Or I'm not going to do it. Or if there's any kind of one cop complicated thing that happens, they're like, oh, this is ruined. I'm not going to do it. Passive aggressive. Passive aggressive right there. So, and the aggressive type was irritable, destructive and resentful with an underlying dependency. Thought to differentiate these behaviors from antisocial personality. Um, so again, the, the, the aspect that ties all of this together is resent. And dependence. Okay, so dependence because you're dependent on other people. To figure out what you need. Because you're not going to, uh, address it. Even the aggressive type still. Doesn't express their needs. And so they become irritable and destructive because their needs aren't getting met. Um, so you're depending on other people to read your mind and understand you when you won't even make the effort to do that. So you're depending on others and then you become resentful. In all of these cases, you are resentful of others because your needs are not met or you did not express yourself or something irritated you. And so you build resent again. All of this is your responsibility. I'm sorry, but not sorry. Um, You can't be like, if, if you don't even take the time to understand yourself, understand your needs or the things that trigger you, um, How is somebody else going to do that? You, the only way they can do that is by you expressing it to them. And you have to figure that out first. And then of course, you're always going to be resentful. Uh, when, um, when those things aren't met. Um, so. Passive aggressive personality disorder symptoms includes, uh, generally across the board includes obstructionism. It's like getting in the way of things getting done because you're. Just trying to sabotage it pouting. Like Procrastination. Intentional and efficiency, because again, you're trying to make some kind of point. And stubbornness. So stubbornness being open to anything or stubbornness. About expressing something. Each of these were thought to reflect hostility with the individual. That was unable to express openly. So this individual can not express openly. It's an. Being passive aggressive probably served us as babies as some kind of protective function in our lives when we didn't know how to protect our emotions in another way. So it's an immature defense mechanism that continues with us throughout adulthood, unless we learn how to do it differently, which unfortunately people do not teach how to teach anybody how to do that in schools. Parents don't teach to their kids. So we hold onto this defense mechanism that we have as babies when we literally cannot speak. So it's because you don't have the words to express it. Um, You don't, you can't express how you feel and you don't know how to be assertive because you are a baby. Um, and so being passive aggressive protects your emotions from being hurt further, but as we grow our brain develops, we mature. We can analyze situations better. We can have introspection. This defense mechanism is no longer needed. We don't need it anymore. It causes more harm than good, but most people hold on to it because they're not aware that they're doing it. Or they never learned, they'd never put in the work to learn how to express themselves differently. They don't want to take the time to practice. Um, or they're just continuing to be really stubborn about it, even right now. Uh, maybe you're listening to this and maybe you're getting a little angry and maybe you feel a little bit triggered being like, well, uh, no, like they need to know that. Why do I, why do I have to always say. What I got to say, why do I always have to do this? Introspect introspect. If you're getting like a little angry about this, it might be because this is something to look at. Uh, it might be because this is meaningful and maybe this is something to start seeing. How can I express my emotions in a healthier way? So let's talk a little bit about how to get over it. How do we get over passive aggressiveness? So the first goal is to become self-aware. What are you, what are you actually trying to achieve? So if it's, for example, that example of I gave you on your partner to dress nicer, or, um, maybe you want your partner to buy you flowers, or you want your partner to. Spend more time with you or stay off the phone or whatever. What is your ultimate goal? Most of the time, it's not to hurt the other person. That is usually not the goal. Most of us are good people. And usually the goal is to feel more loved or. To feel, uh, to see a, more of an effort from your partner or those kinds of things. So figure out your ultimate goal here and then ask yourself. Is this. The best way to get there. Um, so are you trying to actually improve this relationship or get something from it or make yourself feel better somehow even just make yourself feel safe? Like that's an end goal. That's totally legit. Um, or are you just trying to be angry? Some people just want to be angry and being angry is okay, but you can also express it in a way that's a lot healthier than this, because this is actually damaging. So assess your style. Do you tend to voice your opinions or do you stay quiet? I've often been somebody who stayed quiet, actually. Um, Which may come as a surprise. Like, I don't know. A lot of people say like, oh, you're so. Expressive. And you're not afraid to say this and say that I disagree. I actually have, um, for a long time in my life, just kind of been the one to shut up. I grew up, um, thinking it was like, my value was that I was so temperamental and not conflictual. I didn't throw tantrums. I was rewarded for that emotionally. Um, so I never really felt like I was my place to be angry or to express those kinds of things. So it was really hard for me to be able to use my voice. Um, Are you somebody who says yes to additional work, even when your schedule's full. Let's be self-aware. Are you that kind of person? Do you say yes. When you shouldn't say yes, because you will build resent. Are you quick to judge or to blame people? This is a big one. Um, Think about it. So right now I'm asking you these questions. I want you to be really honest. About to yourself, you know, be really honest with yourself. Like, are you quick to jump to the gun to blame? Other people or something else. Um, do some people seem to dread. Expressing conflict to you because of how you react. So try to be, try to just journal about this. Journaling is great just to kind of become aware of things. It doesn't necessarily solve the problems, but just to help you sort out through your thoughts and just write, write out the stuff and try to understand your style. So when you are going to actually start trying to practice expressing, expressing yourself in a healthy way, use I statements. So some of you have maybe heard this before, but statements that start with I, the word I, instead of you. So this shows that you are. W holding responsibility for your own feelings and your own emotions, like a mature adult, and you are just letting them know what you are thinking or feeling without sounding accusatory. Um, And this is really important. Part of communication. I'm going to talk about nonviolent communication in a second. And this is one of the key elements of it is using I statements so that you can own your feelings, which are only your responsibility and nobody else's responsibility. So you could say something like I disagree instead of you are wrong. Um, If you have a request, you say, I would love if you can help me with this, rather than you need to do this. So focus it on you and your feelings and objective, uh, objective facts. One thing that's really useful is practice what you want to say. I know we only see this in movies. I started doing it a lot more recently. Um, We see this in movies where people like practicing the speech, they're going to give to somebody or like breaking up or whatever. In front of the mirror. And honestly, this makes such a big difference because it's actually, you actually need the words to come out of your voice and throat. So, like, it's not enough to just take notes. Or this think about it. Like sometimes you'll, you'll think about what you want to say, but then you maybe get a little emotional when you're saying it. It doesn't really, oh, it gets like stuck in your throat, you know? So it's like, it doesn't really come out the way that you want it to, but if you actually practice out loud, like letting your voice. Oh, man, there's still fireworks again. Um, like letting the. The words actually vibrate in your throat and come out of your mouth out loud. It becomes a lot easier to express these kinds of things. So you can ride it out, maybe practice from a script. It's going to be super awkward at first again, but this is when they say do the work. This is the kind of work. So it's not only going to therapy. It's not only journaling that stuff's not doing the work, that stuff is reflecting and expanding and just understanding. But then you have to actually take some action. You have to actually put things into practice for you to, you know, get through this healing or do the work going to therapy alone is not doing the work. Journaling loan is not doing the work. Meditating. Loan is not doing the work. All of these things are all a part of the journey together. And so you need to become aware, but then yes, you actually need to put an action. And this is going to be using your actual voice out loud practice. Um, and try to identify in a sec. When I got into nonviolent communication, we'll identify how to, how to understand yourself. So you can actually express yourself. Start small. Um, so try to practice your skills in low risk situations rather than like a big, crazy one. So before, if you've been super passive, aggressive, and never been able to express your needs in a healthy way, Don't go by, like starting to talk about all the problems with your partner. Start by something really small. Um, Or even practice practice on. On a friend or even you could do it with a partner. If it's for something small, like they ask you. Uh, can you go to this thing tonight after work and just be like, oh no, thank you. I'm tired. Practice on small things like that. Get used to it before. Getting into like tackling a really difficult situation at work, or I'm having to give somebody a bad performance review or, um, you know, anything else that might be more difficult for you? Evaluate yourself after you do it. So like, do it intentionally come ready, practice on a very small scale, low risk scale, and then try it out somewhere else. I also really like improv classes for this. So I do improv. Um, I don't really take classes anymore, but now I do it. I perform, but what I really liked about it is I could actually practice being assertive and that's a really low risk situation because you're pretending to play in a scene. And so it's not even a real life situation, but I already gave me some more courage to be able to use them in real life situations. Um, Understand why you need to stop being passive aggressive. If I haven't convinced you enough. Well, a, you know, it's not going to change the situation. If you want the situation to change, it's not gonna, that is not going to change it. Um, it's going to make yourself feel worse in the long run, even if it feels sort of satisfying somehow earlier on. And it's going to be damaging to your relationship either with whoever this is toward or with yourself. Because you will feel resentful. So passive aggression is not less aggressive. Just because it's passive. It. It's an indirect form of aggression. It's not a milder form of aggression, so you're just being aggressive and hostile. And you may think of yourself as like a really nice person because you're not conflictual and you're not bossy and you're not assertive. The bad looking assertive even though sort of is actually really positive. It's just aggressive. It's just a different kind of aggression. And another thing to remember is that you should give yourself time. Um, This is something that. It takes time to practice. It's a skill. So you're not going to be perfect at it. Immediately. Try it. You may mess up. Keep trying. Um, it, the point is to recognize your own behaviors and understand them. That's the first step. Understand why you're doing this, understand what you're trying to actually say. And then that can be faster, but then actually fully alterative altering your patterns and reactions. That takes time. I told you I've been working on this for years now. And even now, sometimes I catch myself something's on my mouth and I'm like, oh, is that actually passive aggressive? I think I could have expressed that in different way. I'm trying to express the need, but maybe I didn't. Maybe it's still, maybe I'm still holding back a little sort of, so it actually comes off a little nasty. I'm holding off on fully expressing what I feel, what I mean to say, and then it becomes aggressive. Um, So that can take a long time and it's just about commitment to the journey. Um, I realize it's okay to be angry. It's okay. To be angry. Anger is normal. Anger is a, is a healthy feeling. Um, you just don't want to hold onto it or dwell on it, or like make it express it in nasty ways. You can still be a very positive person and feel angry. You can be a loving friend, a loving wife, a loving husband, loving boyfriend. Uh, loving spouse. And you can still feel anger. In response to what that person has done. So you don't want to just not feel angry. You can express the anger if it's not that big a deal. And like, it's not something that you need that person to change, or you need them to know. You can still express the anger by screaming into your pillow, hitting your pillow. That needs to get out of you. It needs to get out of you somehow. And when you do it passive, aggressively, somehow still stays in you and it's poison. Um, Remember. When you are getting out of this behavior, you want to be assertive, not aggressive. As I said before, it takes some practice. And sometimes if you're totally not used to it, you may start by going completely on the other side of the spectrum and start with aggressiveness because you don't know what the middle ground is, and that might happen. That's happened to me. It's happened to a lot of people. Hey guys, just wanted to quickly interrupt this episode to pop in here and say I'm opening up slots in my calendar for one-on-one coaching in September of 2023. I'm only going to be taking on about two clients at the time because my time is super limited between running the business. I'm also, um, doing a bit of marketing for another business I've invested in plus working on this podcast, so I can only take on two at the moment, but it's going to be extremely. Powerful. If you are looking for ways to feel more confident at work, speaking to your boss or colleagues, or if you're frustrated because things just don't go your way and you wanna be able to change that and take responsibility for it, or you wanna be able to speak your needs more comfortably in dating, in the relationship with your partner or even just, you know, be that person that can receive instead of everyone always taking things from you. Um, this is gonna be super valuable for you. Um, so I recommend that you jump on it as quickly as possible. You can either fill out the form and the link in my bio or just send me a DM and we can get that on the calendar, uh, booked and ready to go. So you kind of go that way a little extreme until you find it. But remember that you want to try to find your way to the middle ground, because the idea is you are assertive from a kind love, compassionate place. You're not being super defensive. You're not being aggressive. You're in a safe space to. To express your needs. Um, the idea is to just be clear. About facts and clear about your feelings and your opinions and let the other person know the impact of, of their behavior. Without being accusatory or blaming them for anything. Uh, and again, you have to be open to confrontation. That's going to happen. You have to be open to a little bit of conflict. Conflict is a good thing. Conflict helps relationships move forward. You ever have that kind of fight. Uh, with a partner or a friend, and then you ended up being really close after it because you've gotten through stuff that needs to be said, and you need to have these conversations. Um, I don't mind a little bit of conflict. I don't really get into like big fights, but I do have little, like pretty frequent little things where I'm like, oh, just some feedback about this and we can have a conversation around it. And then we communicate and things move forward. Um, confrontation can absolutely be direct and respectful. It can absolutely absolutely can and it can be loving and it can bring more love. All right. So I wanted to dive into nonviolent communication, which is a four step framework for expressing your needs. I learned this in therapy a few years ago, and it's been super helpful for me. Um, so the steps are observe. State your feeling, state your needs at your request. So observe when you observe, you have to observe what happened. Factually. So you can't be like, uh, I observed that you stopped giving a shit about me because that's very accusatory and speculative. You do not know the other person's feelings. You. Can not know what's going on in their situation. You are just assuming. So that's not an observation. The observation has to be a fact. Uh, I observed that, um, you didn't text me for two days. I, well, you don't have to say I observed, but just be like, Hey, you said that we would leave at nine. 9:00 AM. Um, and yesterday in the last two days that you said this. We actually ended up leaving at 10. That's a fact. Don't be like, Hey, um, it looks like you don't give a shit about arriving on time or like a, it looks like you don't respect me, you know? Observe it factually. So make sure to like pay attention to the facts there. Um, then you state your feeling, how does it make you feel? So I'll leave some, um, links to the feelings, inventory from the center for nonviolent communication, but they have like a list of feelings that you can have. So. Uh, compassionate, friendly. Okay. So probably not those there's some happy ones, but, um, When your needs are not satisfied, you might feel apprehensive, dread, panicked, suspicious, aggravated, disgruntled displeased. Impatient. What's really great about this inventory. It's not like it's just a list of words. It's a list of feelings, which I think a lot of the issue in this situation is that we don't actually have the vocabulary to state our feelings. So you pick a word from here, say, okay, that made me feel anxious, but you really have to tune in with the chef, be like, what did that make me feel? Um, And then you got to state your needs. So the same center for nonviolent communication also has it in needs inventory. And so you could have a need for safety security to be seen, to be understood. Trust you could have a need for movement sexual expression, safety touch. Uh, you could have a need for communion, ease, peace, beauty. Uh, independence choice. Growth, you know, like there's all these things. And again, it's just about a lack of vocabulary for a lot of people and understanding and like introspection to understand what the needs and feelings are. And then you can make your request. So you observe, you state your feeling, you state your need, and then you make a request which they are totally entitled to. I reject the request. They don't have to do it. But you make your request and if you've approached it this way, most likely they're going to be open to it, especially, you know, if they're a nice, good partner and they care about you, they will. Um, so I'm not saying. Even nice and good people who care about you. Sometimes don't have to abide by your request. It's totally up to them. If your request is totally reasonable and they're like all your crazy, like why are you being so needy, but it's normal thing. Then you might want to question it a little bit. But, um, so yeah, just an example, like, Hey, uh, we're out to dinner and you're on your phone and you were on your phone. Last time we went out to dinner. Um, that's what I observe. Okay. So that's a fact. And then I start, I can look through these feelings. So, um, it makes me feel. Anxious or I can look here like a vulnerable, oh, it makes me feel insecure or I feel insecure. You can say that if that's how you feel. Um, oh, I feel. Resentful. I feel uncomfortable. I feel unsettled. Uh, I feel sad. Or I feel. Self-conscious anyway, whatever it makes you feel when they're on their phone at dinner, say you're feeling. It's such a beautiful thing for somebody to say that feeling. You're not blaming it on them. You say this happened. I feel this. It's not their fault. You are expressing your feeling. You are owning your feeling in a calm way, then you say your need. Okay, so your need could be. Connection or closeness. Intimacy. So I need. Some intimacy. I need to engage without distractions for this time that we spent together for it to feel fulfilling to me. Then you make your request. Can we have phone free meal times. Whereas before you might've said you might've just ignored him or gotten on your phone out of spy or never ever have said anything about it, but you like attack him. Uh, for it in some other way later, when this could be a really nice way to approach it, say, Hey, we're out to dinner, you're on your phone. You're on your phone last time. Um, I, I, and it makes me feel a little disconnected, a little anxious. I would love it. If we could have some more intimacy during these times that we plan together, could we have some phone free meal times? Or even make it a choice. Could we be phone free? Um, when we go out to dinner on Fridays, I know. Cause sometimes you have to accept that. People are tired. They want to relax on their phone. They don't necessarily, always want to be on. So you recognize these things and make this kind of a statement. So. That is. Getting over passive aggressiveness. There's so much more to dive into here about how to be assertive. Assertive communication is really based on mutual respect. It's diplomatic, it's effective. It shows that you respect yourself because you stand up for yourself. Um, and you express your thoughts. You stand up for your interests and it demonstrates that you respect other people, that they have the rights to choose to work on this conflict or not. Um, So again, if you are. If you aren't assertive. So you have passive behavior, which is like, I'll just do whatever the group decides. They're like, yeah, whatever you guys want and you avoid conflict. But again, the message you're sending there is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as other people's and they are, and people will ignore your wants and needs and they aren't going to trust you. Um, and you are probably going to be resentful towards them and other people might be resentful towards you. So colleague asks you to take on a project and you're already super busy and it means you're going to miss your son's soccer game or something. Um, and you just want to keep the peace or you want to look like you're hard working, you say yes. Um, A, your family's going to be pissed at you. Your colleague's going to probably going to be pissed at you because they're overworked. You're not going to do a great job, and you're going to be pissed at yourself. This leads to stress, resentment, anger, victimization, wanting to exact revenge, somehow doubting or questioning your own judgment. So again, if you're aggressive, then you're a little bit more bullying you're self-righteous or superior. Um, you may embarrass people or intimidate others. Or, you know, just be like really nasty about expressing what you want and it's still not direct. So when you're assertive, it's. Beneficial to everybody. Um, you don't bully others. People don't take advantage of you. And. You are able to. Just state what you need better. So all the tips that I just gave you about non-violent communication. That is a practice of being assertive. Um, and it's a way that you can be expressed what you need. In a calm and loving way and firm and compassionate, and it creates win-win situations. It helps you to understand and recognize your feelings. You gain a sense of empowerment. You're not the victim anymore. You become more self-confident you build your self-esteem and you improve your decision-making skills and your relationships become honest based on trust based on respect. So that's what I have to say about that I've been working on this for years has been really hard because I used to really, really struggle with expressing my needs. And I've practiced in a lot of ways. And sometimes people aren't going to be responsive to it. Sometimes people who haven't worked through the stuff themselves, they're going to be offended. You're going to hit their ego. They're going to tell you, you're making a big deal, even though you're being perfectly reasonable. And you know what that's okay. That's not your problem. That's not your problem. Um, you just have to decide what to do with those people. Cause sometimes people aren't going to request your needs. Most healthy people, sorry. They're not going to, um, some people are not going to be able to meet your requests. Most healthy people will. And I, and especially if it's people who you can choose in your life, I would recommend you choose healthy people. To surround you and your life. Um, so that's it for today. I really am glad that you guys listened to me again, once more, if you've listened to it. All the way till the end of this episode. I love you. Thank you so much. And, um, let's see if I can head to the beach now. So, thanks again, guys.