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Want some 1:1 coaching with Maeva? Fill out this form: https://forms.gle/RfBKV8MpCiZu7vBy8
Welcome to Purposeful Living, the podcast that empowers you to live your life with intention and purpose. I'm your host, Mave Sifuentes, a business owner and investor marketer, psychology graduate, certified confidence coach, cat, mom, and improviser. I'm here to break down the woowoo into practical strategies that make. Actual sense for those that love the idea of leading with their heart, spirit, and universal guidance, but struggle to make any logical sense of it. I'm here to talk it through in practical terms and help you put it into action. In this podcast, I talk about communication and confidence. How to communicate effectively with your body, your mind, lovers, partners, coworkers, clients and friends through science, anecdotes, personal experiences, and practical exercises. We'll explore how your lifestyle and habits contribute to living your best life. Hey guys, good afternoon. So I'm recording this from London. Actually, I bought a mic, uh, to have out here because otherwise I was trying to record episodes in advance, um, so I could make sure that they're going out every week. And the other weekend I tried to record three and it was just really intense. Um, It was a whole workday during my weekend, so it's because I didn't have anything to record here while I'm in London. So I bought a mic. I have it here, leaving it at my boyfriend's house, and I'm gonna try it out like this. I don't have my studio. I hope that the sound is still good. I haven't really tested out this mic yet. I don't really have, um, what are they called? Like those sound buffers sound. Sound, the things that's gone, the wall that make the sound better. But you know what, um, I'm trying to set up my life to make things a little bit easier, and I'm still very committed to this podcast and I want to create some quality content. Um, actually, I already recorded this episode, which is about. Data-driven dating and chemistry versus compatibility. Most of all, that's kind of the overarching arching, arching theme. Um, but I didn't really like it. I was so tired by the end of the day that, I don't know, I just didn't have my full effort into it. So I ended up deleting the episode. Uh, there was also parts of it that I didn't really like. Um, the way that I was presenting the information. So I'm recording it again from scratch, hoping that it's going to be better for you. This time you can hear this creaky, creaky chair that I'm on. Um, yeah, so I'm also quite tired today. We went out last night to, uh, a nightclub in shortage, I believe in London. We were out to like four in the morning and then couldn't get an Uber. So I had to take a bus that was like an hour long. It was so long to get back home. I was very tired. Uh, woke up at like 11, had a full English breakfast, a veggie one for me that my boyfriend made for me. It was very nice. I got a little flat white with oat milk, watched some of the new season of Rick and Morty, and then basically have been napping all day. Um, Until now it's almost 6:00 PM I decided to get up and record cuz uh, now he's moved, he's moved house. So he's got like this nice living room space that I can do my own thing while he continues napping. Uh, I really enjoy being able to have our own separate spaces, um, cuz I like to be active a lot during the day and he likes to chill out. Um, on the weekend and I don't wanna disturb him. So yeah, I'm here downstairs. It's nice and warm here in London in July. And um, I guess I should get into the topic of the episode. So I was actually just listening. Sorry, before I get into that, I was listening to a podcast while I was sleeping. Uh, or like resting and laying there. I guess it wasn't really a nap. He put this podcast on about geopolitics, what's happening in Russia and like the population, the, the demographics of Russia and China, and basically how there's not enough young people in the generation to actually sustain these communities or these, um, Populations over the next 10 to 20 years. Like there's a lot more people over 60 than there are in the new generation. And so this guy who was a, I guess he is a economics economist, um, yeah, he was just explaining all of these different ways that the societies are structured and like the ideal demographics that a society should have. Um, and he's saying, Uh, when we were farmers, they were like a lot more young people cuz you would have young people work the farms and have all this labor. And then as you, as societies became urbanized, um, it just became more mouths to feed. You didn't really need as much labor. So the, so the society became a little bit more, Like cylinder, I think he said, uh, or like rectangle. I think he said cylinder. Whereas before it was a triangle. And now in some of these societies it's inverted triangle as in there's a lot of older people, retirement age and barely any young people. And also in China there was this, the one child only policy and now that's having quite an impact on the population. Um, stuff. I don't really listen to that much, but I found it quite fascinating and have been on a journey to learn a little bit more about history, economy and the way that the world works. I'm always very much into psychology and the way that like the individual works and the mind works. Uh, and to be frank, I always struggled with history as a topic. Um, I was really good at school. I was always an overachiever, but man, I really did not do well in history. Uh, more of like a science and math kind of person. But as I get older, I. I really do wanna learn more about it. Um, so if you're listening to this and if you have any good books or podcasts to recommend, please do. Cause I'm trying to expand that part of my knowledge. So anyway, about the episode today. So today I'm talking about chemistry versus compatibility. This is something that took me a really long time to wrap my head around as a young. Person, Um, I was always such a sucker for chemistry. So the vibes, the tingles, the conversations, the eye contact, the feeling, it's, it's chemistry is beautiful. It's this two way thing where you feel it when it's there and it's powerful. And the combination of chemistry plus acute face. It is just killer for so many people, um, getting themselves into relationships that end up either not working or making them feel like they have to change themselves or suffocate themselves or sacrifice a part of them. If they are to remain in that relationship. So I think this happens to a lot of people. They're thinking, uh, why can't I just find anybody? There's no good people out there. Relationships never work out for me. Or even you're in a relationship and you're like, Ugh, I, I just feel like I'm sacrificing myself. I've been in a couple of those where. You know, in the long run we were just not compatible. And if I, I, it took me a long time to realize that that was the issue. Also, because I hadn't taken the time to get to know my own values, what was important in a relationship, I always thought that chemistry was the most important thing. I, and actually, if you sit down and try to think about what is it that I want in life, what are my values? These things are a lot. I mean, chemistry is also very important, but it should be like 50 50. Chemistry and compatibility or chemistry is just one of the elements in being compatible with somebody. Um, it's not the only thing. So in trying to wrap my head around this, at one point I was hiring. I was hiring people for my company and you know, they say that the people on your team are the most important people they're going to make or break the success, success of the company. So we wanted to get really serious about who we're hiring. And I'm the kind of person I really like people. I can make friends with anybody. I always see the good in people. Um, I really like everybody that I meet almost. It's very rare that I don't like somebody. I always see the good in people. So again, it was kind of the same thing where I was on calls with people and then I'd be like, oh yeah, I really like them, and then I would want to hire them. But I was like, wait, no, no, no, no. I have to, I have to think this through. So I created this role, this hiring scorecard, um, that listed all of the other things that I was looking for, uh, to make sure that I tested for them in the interview stage, or to make sure that I, I could see these things before I made a big decision. Um, And it was really helpful in hiring the right kind of people. And then, you know, I was thinking about it and of course I, yes, I am a double ver go do love a spreadsheet, Um, and people don't really, people find this idea really weird, but I'm telling you, like, listen to this episode, there's gonna be some nuggets in here and you're gonna understand why this made sense. But, um, I thought, you know, the person that you choose as your partner, As your life partner, as a person that you maybe plan to marry and build a family with, if that's what you want. That's like, even if you're not building a family with them, it's somebody that you're sharing your future with. It's the most important life decision that you're gonna make. It's gonna completely define how you live your life moving forward, how you feel about life, how happy you are, um, you know, your life situation. All of these, like it's the most important decision that you make. So I was like, okay, why would I not be following a similar structure where at least I know myself? I know that I get carried away with with chemistry easily. So I had to put, write all these things down that were important to me. And actually put them on a spreadsheet, which I will talk a little bit more about later on in the episode. Uh, because first we have to start covering the, like, what is, what is compatibility and how can you see if you're actually compatible with somebody? Well, first a little touch into chemistry. So chemistry. So. We know it. We love it. It's this intense emotional and physical attraction that two people have. They're strongly drawn to each other. You're like magnets to each other. When you see each other, you always end up like, you know, in that corner, talking, talking and talking. And it could just go for hours. Um, it's that initial spark that you have with somebody and you can feel that it's going both ways. There's never one side of chemistry. It's always this reaction between two people where there's just something about them that magnetized, uh, to each other. So it's can be a combination of physical attraction, emotional attraction, some shared sense of, ah, I don't know, but it's just something that's there. So it's effortless. The flow in their interactions. And there's just this kind of sense of, of connection. Even if you've just met this person physically, it could be this strong mag magnetic pull, heightened sexual desire, um, or butterflies when you're around the other person, uh, emotionally. Chemistry is the ease of conversation, understanding each other without words or this sense of emotional resonance. And it's beautiful. We love chemistry and I think you do need chemistry. Some kind of dating experts say you don't even need chemistry. uh, that compatibility is the most important thing. I would not wanna be in a relationship without chemistry. Personally. It's very important to me. Um, it's very special. It's sexy. It's. Uh, it, it gives me the feels, you know, and I love having that feeling of chemistry, but it's not enough to be in a, in a long-term relationship. Um, I, if you're in a long-term relationship and you're not compatible bowl, things start to fall apart. Um, it, it took me a long time to kind of analyze. How I was not compatible with some of my exes. Um, it was really different life visions. I am a business person. I function in a capitalist society, and I've, uh, had an ex who didn't believe in that. Um, and he was very judgemental of business owners, um, bosses, you know, people who. Well ran businesses and, and did things differently. Lived in a society where you build things for yourself. Um, and that's fine. That's his vision of things. But it didn't quite work out for me because I felt like I would have to put, make my dreams smaller to be able to be with him. I would not be able to pursue that. Um, I would feel uncomfortable for wanting things that I wanted in life because, He would see those things as materialistic or shallow, when in fact they're not. Um, so things that might not work out if you're not compatible. So, opposing values, this is really, really important. This is probably what a lot of relationship experts say is the most important thing is values. So even if you have a strong initial attraction or chemistry, But you have fundamentally different values. It's gonna cause serious conflicts in the relationship. So for example, one person might value tradition stability, um, doing things the same way. It's always been done doing things the way their parents have done it. Uh, and it's really important to them to live that way. It's not something that you discover right at the beginning, it's something you learn about somebody over time. Um, But then the other person prioritizes adventure, independence, uh, doing things differently, breaking the status quo. That's gonna cause problems in the future for, for this relationship. Um, and it's really important to just sit and kind of explore what values are important to you. So, Some people, for example, are really, for them it's like morals, like religious morals, uh, upholding ethics, upholding tradition, upholding moral principles that have been passed on to them by their parents. Um, some other kind of values might be growth. Pursuing personal professional development a lot, always trying to learn more, embracing challenges, um, taking calculated risks, you know, where somebody else might be very skeptical, um, or might be very comfortable wanting to stay in their, in their comfort zone and not wanting to take risks. Sometimes that can be compatible. I know my, my dad is a bigger risk taker. My mom, um, is more of a skeptical kind of person and it seems to work out. Uh, but it really just depends on how extreme that affects your lifestyle family. Um, some people might find it really important to have a family, to be in touch with their family members, to invite their family members over, spend a lot of time with family, have a family, have kids be married. This is something that's really important to know about your partner if you are with a partner who doesn't want the same things in you in life at some point. One of you is gonna have to make a really big sacrifice, or you, you know, just need to decide. It's not a compatible thing, really depends on how important it is to you. Adventure as well could be a value. Um, do you like seeking excitement, going to new countries, put putting yourself in situations you haven't been in before, um, starting new businesses, these kind of things where somebody else might just want to. Always go do the same thing that they are comfortable with, like being a homebody. Uh, and all of these things are, are perfectly fine, but does, is there compatibility here in this, in this value, there's also health and wellbeing. Somebody who prioritizes physical health, mental health, emotional wellbeing, having a very, very active lifestyle might not be very compatible. Um, with somebody who doesn't have that kind of lifestyle, who eats a lot of junk food, um, who drinks a lot of soda, who just sits on like watches TV all day long, um, that might become an issue later on in life. Then there's also the value of pleasure and fun. This is a strong value of mine. I like to have a lot of fun. I like to indulge in, in pleasurable things, and some people might think that that's really hedonistic or that it's, um, just not an important thing in life, and we would clash on that, uh, if we didn't, if we didn't share that value because it could be seen as shallow by other people, which then would make me feel, or whoever has this value make. You feel smaller or you have to play smaller and not be full of yourself because you're gonna get judged by this other person. Then there's also luxury, like living a comfortable life, um, wanting more. This is a value that some people can have and if somebody else is, like, having a modest lifestyle is a very strong value for some people. Um, they, they. Some people think it's wrong to want more. So you wanna know what kind of values you have and what's important to you, because those are the kind of things that you might be clashing on as well. So there's a lot of different kinds of values and it's really just sitting down and trying to think what are mine? Um, communication. So now we're moving on to another area where you might not be compatible. So communication styles. So again, chemistry might make. Conversations and interactions feel really effortless at the early stages of relationship. But if the two people have drastically different communication styles, it's going to create misunderstanding and frustrations. So this is of course, like this is helpful if the people are self-aware and if they spend any time kind of working on themselves to improve their communication style if they have an unhealthy one. But sometimes that's not always the case. Um, So one person might be very direct and assertive and other people might prefer to avoid conflict or communicate indirectly, which in my last episode I did mention this a little bit passive aggressive, but another example, for example, I really don't like when people are like sarcastic to me or like in a mean way. Um, I don't like hearing negative things and. I like to say positive things about other people and bring them up. And that's really important to me. And I don't like these kind of snide or I don't like, you know, self-deprecation or nasty sarcasm. To me it feels nasty. But there are some people who that's like banter to them and they love it and they need that in a relationship cause it's really fun and funny for them. So this is something that would not be compatible with me, for example. And then in other terms, in communication styles, we have. This plays into like attachment styles and conflict styles. So in attachment styles, which you're probably familiar with, we have the anxious attachment style and avoidant attachment style. And this can play into your communication style. So if you are anxious, you want, um, a lot of reassurance. You want to be in communication frequently, um, you want to hear nice things from each other a lot. If you're avoidant, you want a lot of space, you don't want to be. You feel like drained or cornered if you're having to communicate a lot with this person. So this is a very, very conflicting, uh, communication slash attachment style to be in it. I mean, ideally the best is gonna be two secure attachment styles. I am a more of a, like a, a fearful avoidant, which is the mix of anxious and um, avoidant. Meaning I do need a lot of reassurance. I do need a lot of connection, but then also any, I, I can interpret a lot of things as as rejection, and then I quickly just, I'm so easy to just shut people off or just be like, okay, well I don't, you know, whatever this is over. Uh, I've done so much work on this, so this was a lot worse before. I think I'm like a lot closer to having a fully secure attachment style. It does flare up sometimes it feels like some kind of disease that is in. Uh, what is it When the, when like cancer ends, but it's still there in, I can't remember the word. It starts with an R. But it, like, it's still, it's still hanging out there and sometimes flares out. But I've done so, so much work on my attachment style, and it's possible to get at least close to secure attachment style. Luckily, I'm with a boyfriend who has a very secure attachment style. Um, he is, he can be vulnerable. He's affectionate, he's not needy. Um, he listens, he can talk about, you know, emotional things. Um, Find yourself somebody with a secure attachment style. Or in any case, if you're two people with non-secure attachment styles, at least be self-aware. Try to be able to communicate about it. In any case, that's not always the case. Um, sometimes it's just gonna conflict, especially if people aren't working. If, if they're not aware of it and actively working on it, sometimes it's just not gonna work that way. Then, And then you have conflict style. So are you somebody that needs to yell and scream or like have actual fights? Some people need that. Uh, and other people that would totally shut them off like they stonewall, they can't deal with conflict. Uh, some people are invite conflict, like they wanna talk things out, but it's like healthy conflict. So these are all styles that might be, that might clash. Um, and then you have to decide whether what your style is and what you might be compatible with or not. Hey guys, just wanted to quickly interrupt this episode to pop in here and say I'm opening up slots in my calendar for one-on-one coaching in September of 2023. I'm only going to be taking on about two clients at the time because my time is super limited between running the business. I'm also, um, doing a bit of marketing for another business I've invested in plus working on this podcast, so I can only take on two at the moment, but it's going to be extremely. Powerful. If you are looking for ways to feel more confident at work, speaking to your boss or colleagues, or if you're frustrated because things just don't go your way and you wanna be able to change that and take responsibility for it, or you wanna be able to speak your needs more comfortably in dating, in the relationship with your partner or even just, you know, be that person that can receive instead of everyone always taking things from you. Um, this is gonna be super valuable for you. Um, so I recommend that you jump on it as quickly as possible. You can either fill out the form and the link in my bio or just send me a DM and we can get that on the calendar, uh, booked and ready to go. Then you also have these long-term goals. So even if you have strong chemistry, your long-term goals and aspirations, if your long-term goals and aspirations are incompatible, it will create tension and dissatisfaction in your life. Again, if one person wants to settle down and start a family and the other person just wants to travel and advance their career, and that's all that they're focused on, both of those things are perfectly fine. Life goals. Um, but their paths are going to diverge and either they're gonna follow different paths and have to separate, or they're gonna be resentful and have unfulfilled expectations in their life. So what are your long-term goals? This is stuff you can talk about early on in a relationship. You could talk about this kind of stuff in the first date. Um, I want a family. I want babies. Uh, I remember on my first like official date with my boyfriend, well, it wasn't official. We were at a music festival when we met, um, and we were sitting in a restaurant. I don't think he remembers this. I asked him. It's funny, men and women like, remember completely different things. It's really in the memory. Brain works completely different. But, uh, I asked him if you remember this, but he didn't. But on that date, he's just like, So when do you wanna have kids? Not like me and him, but just like it was a conversation, like asking what I saw in the future and I just thought it was funny. Um, and I thought it was nice. It was a sign of compatibility for me, whereas if I didn't want kids, that would've been like a red, like I would've been like, oh shit, why are we talking about this? But I do. So it was really nice. Um, and we are compatible in that kind of long-term goals of starting a family, like. You know, having a nice life, uh, no, sorry, I didn't mean it. Like not having families, not a nice life, but nice for us cause that's what we want. Then you have emotional compatibility. So again, chemistry does involve a strong emotional connection. But you also need to be emotionally compatible. So again, this kind of ties into attachment styles or the way that you like to deal with things. Some people need a really high level emotional support and openness. Um, I had a friend a while back and we clashed a lot because we were just not compatible as friends. I think she. A hundred percent wanted to have really deep conversations. And it's nice. I do like deep conversations sometimes, but sometimes I also like to, I don't know, just have fun, lighter conversations. I like a mix of them. I don't always need to have really, really deep, deep conversations. Um, and it stressed her out cuz sometimes I would shut off a bit, uh, because it was a little much for me and she was amazing. You know, like, So many people would love that. Like that's exactly what they look for in front, somebody they can always have deep conversations with. But I, I do need a little bit of a, of a balance and to have fun and it was really, really stressful for her. Um, because sometimes I would just sit there in silence and she'd be like, why are you like, why are you being quiet? Are you mad? Can we talk about our emotions? And for me it was kind of like, ah, do I need to dissect my emotions every single second of the day? So it wasn't really compatible Emotionally, they're like, I'm vulnerable. I can talk about emotions and I'm happy to do it. As you know, I'm talking about them here on this podcast. But I do like to have a bit of a lightness in my, in my friendships and relationships that made it, um, incompatible. So if also you are somebody who. Need a, needs a high level of emotional support and openness, and the other person just struggles to be emotionally vulnerable and express themselves. They might not even understand what their emotions are. This can create a serious problem in the relationship. Um, and the, the, you will have a lack of emotional fulfillment, and that's not a life that you wanna live. So unless the person who can't be vulnerable, Can do some work on themselves and try to find ways to open up, which a lot of them don't really see the need to, and you know, that's them. Or if the person who really needs like a high level of emotional support can try to find that in their friends, uh, or find a way to fulfill it elsewhere, you know, they still might feel that kind of loneliness around it. So that's something to think about as well. And then we have your lifestyle choices. So again, chemistry is great, but if your lifestyle and daily routines are incompatible, that can be tough on the relationship. If I am an early morning person and you are a bartender that's working nights every night, that's not gonna work for me. We're not gonna be able to see each other. You're leaving a completely different lifestyle. If one person is super social, outgoing, likes to go out a lot, and the other person hates going out a lot, doesn't like crowds. Somebody's gonna have to get, like, somebody's not gonna be happy there. I like to go out. Um, my boyfriend likes to go out. We both met at a music festival. We're compatible in like the kind of parties that we like to go to as well, so that's really great. Um, I also like playing games and doing those kind of things. And when you date somebody that thinks games are dumb or they're like rolling their eyes, it's kind of a bummer. I mean, For both of us. Cause they don't wanna play games and they would rather be with somebody who doesn't wanna play games, Um, and I'm here forcing them to play games. So, um, and it's really thinking like, what is your lifestyle? What kind of lifestyle would you like to continue living? And what is their ideal lifestyle? And again, neither one of them is wrong. Uh, but it's just thinking, do we want, do, are we living the same way or am I gonna have to totally change? So, um, This is kind of my breakdown on compatibility and chemistry, which brought me to this, uh, data driven dating. So I was thinking about all of these things and what's important to me. Um, and I created a spreadsheet and it was really because, um, I just wanted to make sure that. I was making the right choice. I do love a spreadsheet and I did accidentally tell my boyfriend that I created the spreadsheet. He did not like that, which is normal, a normal reaction cuz what kind of sane person creates a dating spreadsheet. But honestly, it really, it helped, like it really made me so sure of my decision. And yes, of course, it's something you feel in your heart. Um, and you know it, but sometimes you know things in your heart and you are still in denial and you still make choices that don't align with what you feel in your heart because you are disconnected from your body and possibly, you know, lack the, uh, intuition that you need. And I was at a point where, you know, I was exploring, I was getting, I had just got on a leash, another relationship where, uh, it took me. So long to realize that we were not compatible and I wasn't fully trusting, um, in my ability to see that yet or not. So I created the spreadsheet just to make sure, I'm just gonna put everything on here and calculate some scores. So I have like this one main page and I will share the spreadsheet. I will share the spreadsheet in exchange for a favor from you if you could give this podcast a, a review. Um, On whatever podcast platform you're on, take a screenshot, uh, go to instagram@purposefulliving.co. Follow me there or you don't have to follow me, whatever if you don't want to. But send me the screenshot, DM me the screenshot of you having left the review, and I will share this, uh, pod, this, uh, spreadsheet with you. I have shared it with a few people. They. We're like, this is game changing for dating. There are so many people who struggle to see past acute face and strong chemistry, and it's painful for dating life when you're that way, especially for somebody who wants a long-term relationship. This spreadsheet is game changing. So basically on the front page it has all of the sections and you can see all the, I put it candidates cause I got it from the um, From when I was hiring people. So here are the sections. So obviously you have to understand what's important to you and edit the spreadsheet a little bit. Like there might be a lot of overlap with what I put, but it might not be the same. Like you might look for different things because you're a different person, so you'd have to edit it a little bit to yourself. So I have the first section, which is like basic criteria. Attractive. And I'm scar scoring everything on a score from one to five. So one is unsatisfactory, two is below average, three is average, four is above average, five is exceptional. So I have the base criteria attractive. Um, I'm attractive to him and I also put, he's taller than me. That's, that's something that's important to me. Um, doesn't say anything like, It's fine. You know, that's just for me, and all of these are just my own personal choices, and it's not any judgment on anything. Um, I put he has a, a relevant job. What does that mean? Um, a job that when he talks about it, my eyes don't completely glaze over and I have no idea what the hell he's talking about, or I'm completely uninterested. It's a job that I can sort of understand somewhat. I don't know. It's an industry I can wrap my brain around so it makes sense when we talk about it because, you know, we're gonna be talking about work a lot. Uh, and he has a, you know, he's good at his job and, and it's a, it's a decent job so. Uh, kind, but he's kind, he isn't sarcastic and he's kind to me and to others around him all the time. This is super important to me. Again, I don't like sarcasm that I find it mean. Um, I, my body has a visceral reaction when somebody is and like nasty, sarcastic to me, even if they're like, oh, haha, I'm just playing. It's just funny. I, no, I don't like it. I, it took me a while to realize that from some guys who, like, I'm just teasing. And I'm like, okay, maybe that's your sense of humor, but it doesn't, that doesn't work for me. Um, I really, really don't like it. And, uh, then I have healthy, he exercises and he eats well. Because this is also important to me. Um, and then again, I'm rating everything. So you're not gonna, like, not everybody's gonna get a high score on all of these. And that's the thing, like you can't find the perfect person who exactly matches everything. What you're trying to do is find somebody who's as closely compatible to you as possible. It doesn't, it's never gonna be perfect. So, um, even my boyfriend didn't score. High on like the highest score on all of these. But he did get an overall pretty high one. Oh man, he's gonna hate this when he listens to it. Uh, he did hate it. And it, like, I've explained to some people and they're like, this is so fucking weird, Ava. But, um, honestly, it's game changing. If, if you're that kind of person who, who, I keep repeating myself, but who, you know, you think chemistry is everything, or, you know, chemistry is not everything but. You get blinded by it and then you make bad decisions. So again, um, this is a game changing spreadsheet. Okay, let me go back to what I said. So then I have interesting, we have good conversations, uh, confident, like doesn't make self-deprecating comments or, you know, feel secure in himself. Now I have funny, he makes me laugh. Fun. We have fun together. We like doing the same things. Chemistry. I have chemistry on here. It's important. Uh, you know, there's a spark there. There's this mm, juicy connection. I have hygiene. He smells good, takes hair of his hair. This is super important to me. Um, and again, this is something where before I was like, wait, is that just shallow I don't want a clean person, but it doesn't matter to some people. Some people don't care about other people's, like personal hygiene, and I realize that I do really care. So again, there could be some different matches there for some people, but for me that's something that's really important. Like how well you clean your house, how well you take care of yourself. You smell good like a man smelling good. So important to me. Again, some people don't care. Um, some people don't even have a sense of smell, so that's like really not important to them. It's fashion. He cares about, um, dressing well and takes care of himself and pays attention. Doesn't need to be fashionista, doesn't need to be obsessed with it, but he cares about what he's wearing. This is important to me. Um, before, again, this is something that I thought maybe this is shallow, maybe it shouldn't matter, but I realized, uh, as I've been in relationships, this is something I care about. I take care of myself, and I would like to be with the man who takes care of himself as well, so, Um, open-minded. So he spends more time saying good things about others rather than bad things. And he's not judgmental. Oh man, this is so important to me. I get, I get proper triggered when people are just talking shit all the time about others, uh, things they do. Like everybody has a different life journey. And of course I sometimes am judgmental, sometimes I do talk shit about people, but like sometimes. Oh, I try hard not to. I try hard not to, but sometimes that's like people's go-to that is their, the way that they are. They just love to be judgmental. Um, and for some people it's fun, you know? They love that gossip. They love to talk crap. Uh, or so, sorry. That's not even the only thing about open-minded, being open-minded as well is like, Believing things are possible, being open to trying new things, being open to new ideas. Um, it's really important to me that somebody's open-minded, uh, just about things that might be different and some people are not that way. So this is, and, and, you know, two people who don't welcome or want to try or, or believe in, in different ways of doing things, they might be really good together. Authentic. I put, I feel like I'm seeing the real himn. There's some people I've had chemistry with that I've known for years, and I'm still like, this is like a secret you that I'm not really seeing. Um, and I like it, you know, like, this is the full me, that's my boyfriend. He's just, this is who I am. Take it or leave it. That I have energy. This is so important. Energy, high vibes positive. I like positive people. Um, some people are like repulsed by overly positive people. I like really positive people. Um, I feel fulfilled, light and happy hanging around him. So it's not only his energy, but how does my energy feel after I spend time with him? And then I have sex. I won't go too deep into that. You can decide, uh, that what's important to you. Then I have, so that's like the basic criteria section, and then I have, um, what I have called here. Masculine criteria. Again, this is not gonna sit right with everybody. And, uh, this is, I guess, people who are dating men or people who are dating somebody that they want to have that kind of masculine polarity. Uh, so doesn't even need to be a man. Just if you wanna be on the o, like the. More feminine side of the, of the polarity, whether you're dating a man or a woman, then you'd probably be looking. So I'm looking for somebody with masculine criteria. So, uh, also when I wrote this, I was kind of going through this journey of reconnecting with my feminine. I know this kind of topic doesn't vibe with a lot of people, but it's really, really changed the way I look things and the, the, it's, it's, it's very helpful for me, and I'll probably record an episode about it. At some point, but the criteria that I have here was he initiates and he's organizing the dates I didn't organize at the beginning. He was the one who came out to Barcelona to see me. Um, he's done so much and I could just see he was like really leading the relationship and taking the initiative and I really needed to see that. And in order to do that, I had to sit back and not, and not do it to see if he was gonna do it. So again, a lot of these things takes time. Uh, that's why you should pace, pace relationships. We took a few months before we started actually being official cuz you need to wait to see these kind of things. You need to vet the person that you might make your partner. Don't jump into it cuz you cannot see if you're compatible or not at the beginning. It's just impossible. You need time. So again, on these criteria, I also put like, he opens doors for me, he pays for me, and now we're, now we're splitting costs. But you know, earlier on he was paying for dates and it's just like that kind of courtship that I really liked and appreciated and that was important for me to see. Um, he was like texting and reaching out and like, just taking the, the initiative and, and, and leading the relationship. And then I have this section that I called showing interest Oh man, this is so funny. So basically, obviously somebody should show interest, but um, you know, there's so many people who are dating who are like, oh, I'm confused. They're acting like this. It's mixed, uh, mixed signals. Um, and frankly, there should be no confusion at all. So I don't even know I have this whole section, like I should just have, I am not confused. Uh, because if you're confused, then you're just not, it's just not a thing. It's just not gonna work out. Cause they're not interested. So anyway, I put showing interest in this section that he's reliable. Oh my god. Reliability is so, so important to me. That's a value I care about. Like when people say they're gonna do something, I really get sad when they don't do it. I'm not saying they have to do this, but if they say I'm gonna do this. Uh, then I would like for them to show up and do it. Um, so he, I remember when, after I met him, I kept traveling. I was in the Greek, I went to the Greek islands and really well, he texted me, he said, I'm gonna call you at 9:00 PM Or was it 1:00 PM? I don't remember. It was like a time, I think it was 9:00 PM Um, 9:00 PM on the dot. Literally on the dot. My phone rings and I was like, okay. He said, he is gonna call me at nine. He called me exactly at nine. Uh, whereas, you know, some other guy could have been like, I'll call you at nine and then either not call me or call me late. Uh, and they're just showing you who they are and like, what kind of like, are they reliable? Do they say what they're, say they're gonna do? And he called me exactly like right on the dot of when he said he would. And I was like, okay, he's so reliable. And he's always been that way. It's just very reliable person and this is really, really, really important to me. Um, showing interest. So then there's texts me regularly, calls me regularly. One, I am not confused by him. Honestly. If, if it's, if I am confused by him, just remove it until he can be clear on what he wants. Cuz somebody who likes you is not gonna confuse you or somebody who's like, likes you and also has an intention to build something with you is not gonna confuse you. Um, yeah. Attention is not intention. It shows curiosity about me in my life. Compliments me. I do love a compliment. One of my love languages is, um, words of affirmation. Um, love to hear them and I accept them. Some people can't, don't like to be complimented. I like it and wants me to meet his friends. He invited me to meet all of his friends, um, like a few months after we met. I think he was probably testing me too in a way, just to see how well I got along with them. But they're all lovely people. Um, and I also wanna see what kind of people he hangs around with and how they talk about him and those kind of things. Those are all important to kind of have that, that vibe of, of who this person is. Uh, cause the people they spend their time with does say a lot about them and shares his day with me. And then I put marriage criteria. So for me, again, I do wanna get married. You might completely wipe out this section, cause that might not be something they should care about at all. So you do have to kind of edit these based on what you are looking for. But for me, marriage criteria was like, is this, is this gonna be the man that I wanna marry? So then I have, um, you know, these are things that takes a long time. Like to figure out you need to be dating the person, uh, for a while. And dating doesn't necessarily mean you're in an exclusive relationship. Then even once you start the exclusive relationship, You're still feeling it out before you decide these make these big decisions, which I guess it's obvious. But anyway, my marriage criteria is growth, one of them. So he's self-aware. He has an open mindset, um, and he, he works on himself fine financials. He makes decent money and takes good care of his money, desire. This one's probably the most important one. Um, he wants marriage and children. Uh, if I wanna get married and I wanna have kids, and the man I'm with doesn't wanna get married and doesn't wanna have kids, seems pretty straightforward. So the desire has to be there, the learning potential, I admire him and I feel like I can become a better person by being around him. And this is so important, like one of my life goals last year as well was to just like, Have more balance and relax more and like be more in the moment and experience more pleasure and joy. Uh, cause I was like getting really burnt out. Workaholic, uh, just worked so much and I couldn't really take breaks. And since I met my boyfriend now, he's also really helped me like relax more and live more in the moment. And, uh, just have a lot of joy and kind of have that balance that I was looking for. So I feel like that has helped me become a better person in the way that I wanted to. Um, and then values that we share the same values. Then I have a section that's red flag, so these get negative points rather than positive points. So these are also things to look out about. So protective about his phone, like don't, won't answer calls, won't open his phone when I'm around it. That's fucking sketch. Uh, I don't like that. And then another one is, spends too much time on his phone. So are, are we able to have connection time or are we able to have like one-on-one time together where he's actually paying attention to me and to us? Or is he just staring at his phone all the time? Or like if we're going out to dinner, he is just staring at his phone. Let's find that really rude. Um, does he mention other hot girls? Strippers. Hookers. I had to put this like, there's literally guys who do that. Um. And again, I was like, oh, well, you know, whatever. Let them be open about what they want to talk about. Sure, that's fine. But actually I don't feel comfortable with it. So that's a boundary of mine. I don't really want to talk about that. Is he caught in any kinda lie? This is obviously a huge red flag isolation. If he has no social life and only wants to hang out with me, that's a red flag for me. Uh, I need somebody who's quite social. I'm really social. I, and I also like, need my space and I need him to be able to have fun on his own. Ego gets really defensive, easily offended, takes things really personally, like really, uh, kind of this defensive stance or always trying to show off or something. Uh, that's, that's a red flag for me. It's just too much. I just can't deal with egos. Negging again, I've mentioned this so many times, puts me down or someone else down, even if just joking, I hate this, uh, don't wanna deal with it. Don't want. To hear negative talk, overly mysterious. Again, this is probably some that kind of goes ahead with the like, authentic part. It's the opposite of it where I don't really know anything about them and they're not really opening up to me. Red flag for me. And again, self, self hater. So if they put themselves down or hates on themselves in any way, uh, I don't like that. I, I think it could be worked on probably if they want to. Like that's something that they have to choose to do. Uh, and a lot of people go through that phase and then come out of it, but I just, I don't wanna hear negative talk about them either. So Yeah. Then I have, so all of these different sheets, you have the different like candidates and you fill it out. So I wasn't actually dating anybody else, uh, when I met my boyfriend, but I put like some other people from before it, like to benchmark. Um, and not all the ones that, you know, had ended nasty or something, but it's just like, And some people I have stories with that I, I still saw in a high regard. And, uh, I just put them on there just to compare. So again, I didn't have technically other candidates, but I put them on here and boyfriend scored pretty high. Uh, won't tell you his score. That's private information. Um, But, and then it really made sense as I was looking at the other ones where some people I might think, like at the time I was thinking that we would be great together. And when I looked at this, I was like, oh, well this makes sense actually, we're not compatible. Um, and suddenly it eased, like I, it made it really clear like, oh, it's good that I never pursued that. And if you're dating somebody, like dating multiple people to, you know, find a relationship. This is where it starts to become a lot easier to understand whether somebody's a good fit for you. So again, it might sound weird, but it does include attraction, does include chemistry, love, all those things, and it just makes it so much clearer whether you're making the right choice or not. Again, if you wanna copy this spreadsheet, I'll send it to you, the video, um, explanation of how to use it. All you have to do is leave a review for this podcast, take a screenshot. And you can DM it to me@purposefulliving.co on Instagram. I'll link to it in the show notes. Um, or, uh, that's it for now cause I don't have an email for this yet, uh, so just find me on Instagram. Um, and that's it. That's it. That's my episode for today. I am gonna go back to enjoying this London Day now. Uh, I hope the sound was all right and I will see you guys next week.