In this episode, Maeva breaks down the top core wounds that people carry with them from childhood that stops them from being able to reach breakthroughs and results even if they put in the work.
If you've ever...
- Felt inadequate, or have had feelings of not being enough or not being a good person
- Made the same mistakes in relationships over and over again
- Unable to improve bad habits, like money management or making mistakes at work
- Felt numb or disconnected to your emotions
- Or feel resentment, betrayal or abandonment from others
This episode will be a very powerful listen!
Follow Maeva on Instagram for more content: https://instagram.com/purposefulliving.co
Want some 1:1 coaching with Maeva? Fill out this form: https://forms.gle/RfBKV8MpCiZu7vBy8
In this episode, Maeva breaks down the top core wounds that people carry with them from childhood that stops them from being able to reach breakthroughs and results even if they put in the work.
If you've ever...
- Felt inadequate, or have had feelings of not being enough or not being a good person
- Made the same mistakes in relationships over and over again
- Unable to improve bad habits, like money management or making mistakes at work
- Felt numb or disconnected to your emotions
- Or feel resentment, betrayal or abandonment from others
This episode will be a very powerful listen!
Follow Maeva on Instagram for more content: https://instagram.com/purposefulliving.co
Want some 1:1 coaching with Maeva? Fill out this form: https://forms.gle/RfBKV8MpCiZu7vBy8
Welcome to purposeful living the podcast that empowers you to live your life with intention and purpose. I'm your host, Maiva Cifuentes, a business owner, investor, marketer, psychology graduate, certified confidence coach, cat mom, and improviser. I'm here to break down the woo woo. Into practical strategies that make actual sense for those that love the idea of leading with their heart spirit and universal guidance, but struggle to make any logical sense of it. I'm here to talk it through in practical terms and help you put it into action. In this podcast, I talk about communication and confidence. How to communicate effectively with your body, your mind, lovers, partners, co workers, clients, and friends. Through science, anecdotes, personal experiences, and practical exercises, we'll explore how your lifestyle and habits contribute to living your best life. Good afternoon. Hello, you listener. Thanks for listening to this again. I'm here recording from my home office in Barcelona. It's sweaty. I have like the blinds pretty much, or I have like these shutter things, like the European shutter things that you roll down and it can go pretty pitch black. It's pretty cool. But normally I like light. Anyway, I have them rolled down halfway because it's super hot and um, I don't want the light to come in and heat up my apartment because my air conditioning is broken for now. Mom, if you're listening to this, by the time you get here, it should be fixed. Do not fret. Um, you know, I have been trying to get it fixed for a few days. So anyway, today I'm talking about core. Wounds. Um, which is a really interesting topic. It's something that I learned a lot more, well, I've always been kind of aware of some of mine. Um, and I wasn't aware of other, others, and I started learning about it last year when I did some coaching and some somatic healing, but, uh, I will get to that in a second and yeah, I'm just really excited because I have one more week of work and then. I am going to Croatia. I go to Croatia every single year. I've been going every single year since 2013. It's my favorite place in the world to go to in the summer. And I've been to so many places in Croatia. It's actually really the Balkans that I go to every year. So I always go to Croatia because I go to this music festival there. Uh, if you know me, you know, I'm a fan of UK bass music. That's where I also met my current boyfriend. Um, we both love it, but yeah, there's a festival there that I go to every year. That is amazing. Um, and it used to be in Pula, which is kind of in the North, somewhere close by to Venice, actually Venice, Italy. So it's in the North of Croatia. And then I've kind of traveled all around Croatia, um, like all down the coast all the way down to Dubrovnik, which is. Just phenomenal. Magnificent. I mean, one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen in my life. Um, it's quite expensive and super touristy, but oh man, it's literally breathtaking. Like, when I drive around the corner from the airport, I actually gasp for air every time when I see this place, and not a lot of places have that effect on me. Um, I'm not one of those people who easily cries from beautiful things. I have friends like that, and I find that so beautiful. When I see somebody just crying from like a beautiful moment or seeing something beautiful, uh, it's really touching. There are always water signs. It's always gotta be a cancer, like a pious disease or something that does that. Maybe not. Maybe they got some influence. But I struggle to do that. But I still, like, it takes my breath away when I see. Dubrovnik. Um, but I'm usually on the Dalmatian coast, like Split, Zadar, the islands down there, Hvar. I'm going to go do, um, five days on one island with my friend who I haven't seen since 2019. Last time I saw her, we did a road trip in the Algarve region of Portugal, which was a weird time to go. It was like springtime, April or something. So it wasn't really the season and there wasn't that much going on, but it was still cool to visit. I haven't seen her since then. We used to both be kind of nomadic. Well, her more than me. Um, and so it'll be pretty cool to see her again. And uh, yeah, so we're doing five days on the island and then I'm going to meet my boyfriend to go to the music festival. And I was supposed to take three weeks of vacation. But I will not be doing that anymore because, um, the company is in a transitionary period. I'm telling everybody all hands on deck. So I just feel kind of weird if I'm like, okay, everybody's got to work really hard this period, but I'm just going to fuck off for three weeks. Not really in alignment. Um, last year was actually the first year in my entire career that I've been able to take an actual extended vacation. I do always go travel in the Balkans every summer, but, um, I always brought work with me. I would take just one week off for the festival and then work as I travel. And last week, last year I took the full, it was like three and a half weeks off. It was amazing to be able to disconnect like that. And I really wanted to do it again this year, but the company needs me. So I'm not going to be like full working full time, full time. Um, but I am going to. Um, like work a little bit. I'll be like probably off Slack, low key, just catching up on some stuff that I'm doing with this coach that I invested in and, uh, moving any sales deals forward. We'll probably try to stay low key and solve some critical internal, internal things that we need solved right now. Um, I'm still really excited. I can't. I can't with this heat here in Barcelona, like, and be in the city. At least I have the beach here, so that's nice. I'm going to go to the beach tomorrow. Um, and I've been going a decent amount. Probably every time you hear me recording, I'm like, I'm about on my way to the beach or something. I think after this, I'm going to go, uh, find a rooftop hotel with a pool and do a little, catch up on a little bit of work. I just need a beautiful location. The location that I'm in makes such a big difference for me. And honestly, being like, I don't know, maybe it's, I feel like I've put love into my apartment. I feel like I have, but maybe not enough. Maybe it's not beautifully decorated enough and I, I, I don't think I'm that great at interior design. I would love to work with an interior designer, but there's something just about staying inside my house all day that drives me completely insane. And now it's all dark as well because I have all the blinds down and it's hot. Oh, my poor cat though. I, I get a lot of mom, cat, cat mom guilt from leaving him here. So I do spend some time here, but. Yeah, I'm going to go to a nice rooftop hotel and catch up on stuff. But first I'm going to try to record, well, I'm going to record this episode and maybe one more episode to catch up. I need to record three episodes really, because I'm going to be on vacation for the next two weekends. Um, but anyway, uh, yes. So let's talk about these wounds, shall we? So. Inner child wounds. It's a really interesting topic. It's, it sounds weird to talk about, yeah, inner, your inner child. Um, it is your inner child though, because it is stories that You have told yourself as a child when you went through something painful that you possibly did not understand. Um, so for example, it could be the smallest thing. It doesn't have to be like a crazy trauma. But as a child, we're, our brains are developing. We're constantly telling ourselves, uh, trying to explain things to ourselves and what they mean. So this happened. Therefore. That is the fact about it. And as we mature, um, these things, you know, we could technically understand that these things are not true anymore, but we've kind of stuck with the stories and, um, we don't really realize until we do the work that we have been telling ourselves these stories because it's been so long that we have been telling ourselves these stories. So, we have beliefs about ourselves. For example, I am unworthy, a lot of people have this belief, or I am flawed, or, um, people don't like me, all these kind of things. Everybody has their form of core wounds, or their, like, story that they are telling themselves. Um, it's really this deep rooted core thing where you, maybe it's generational guilt. Uh, it could even be something religious, like, oh, I don't deserve. I shouldn't do this because I shouldn't want something good for myself or you reject yourself or a lot of them are passed on from generation to generation. A lot of women, for example, watch their mothers, uh, judge themselves, like talk about how they're fat, how they need to lose weight or something like that. And even though the mother never said anything to the daughter directly about like, you need to do this, just watching your own mother who you think is. the best person in the world talk about herself like that you start to internalize it and you start to think that you also are too fat so it's these kind of things that we internalize as children um so as kids when we're growing up so first we're like our full authentic You know, there's, we don't hold anything back because we haven't learned societal nor, norms, right? We are just these animals, basically. And we are all animals, but what kind of stands humans apart from other animals, uh, from non human animals other than, uh, you know, our brains? brains and abstract thinking and language, those kind of things, is the societal norms. Actually, I think that some other animals have societal norms as well, but that is neither here nor there. But so as we're going up, we're our full authentic selves, and then we start to experience constraints. Right? So Our parents, elders, our peers start to tell us, no, you shouldn't do that. You shouldn't be this way. You should be this way. They're trying to teach us cause that's what it is as humans. We're teaching ourselves things or they're showing you experiences. But then we start to experience disapproval and punishment. For being our true selves. So for having our unique feelings, for expressing our emotions, like maybe you have a tantrum and they're like, don't have a tantrum. Okay. You start telling yourself stories about that, uh, for having your own thoughts, for having your own interests, for having your own needs. So every time that gets like put down and tells you, you're deepen. Through childhood. They deepen as you become teenagers because you keep finding ways to confirm these stories and then you put up barriers. So, the barriers earlier on protected us as children. They protected us from being hurt from these, you know, indications that you should be different from what you are because you're learning how to fit into society or you're learning how to fit into your immediate society and niche and environment. Um, but as we grow into adulthood, adults, and we want to live a free life and we want to be, return to being our authentic selves with everything that we've learned, These barriers limit us from being able to experience this kind of freedom and authenticity in our day to day lives and in our relationships. Um, core wounds cause a lot of fatigue, so we are... They really stop you from being able to get to what you want. So I like to talk about, um, you know, manifesting your dreams. But again, I said this whole podcast would be about trying to translate this woo woo stuff. So I really have to be careful about the language I use around manifestation. Um, but these wounds are something you do have to work through in order to get there. It's not even enough to do the other kind of work. So for example, if I want to... Make more money. So I'm not gonna say manifest more money. If I want to just have more money. So we have dreams I think a lot of people misinterpret this word So it's not like I dream to fly first class and some people be like, I don't really care I don't dream about that. It's like yeah, but would you love to fly first class? It's like yeah, but I can't okay Boom, there you have your limiting belief. I can't why not cuz I can't afford it. Okay, why not? Oh, cuz I don't make enough money. Okay, so You know, you could really have anything that you want, but you have to dig into these, these beliefs and also understand your desires and those kinds of things. So even if you said, okay, I actually do want to make more money. And this is important to me because I would like to have financial freedom. I would like to make, um, these choices, but then you have this core wound that is That's outlandish. I don't deserve this money or what am I going to do with this money? It's unsafe for me to have this money. Why? Maybe you've seen your parents fight over having money in the past and you say, Oh God, money brings drama. Um, you know, or maybe you had one of your parents who was really, really tight and like, Um, what's the word? Uh, stingy with their money, you know, or maybe you had one money that was like, one parent that was like spending money like crazy and it was like really bad. Anyway, you told yourself the story, money is bad. For example, that could be an example of a core wound. Um, Even if you're like, okay, I'm going to learn how to make more money. I have a good job. I'm upscaling. You're always going to keep rejecting money because in your mind it is causing problems. So you're not going to plan like, how am I going to spend this money in a smart way? How can I be a good person with this money? You're not going to think about those kinds of things because you want to. want to be rejecting it because you have this story that money is bad somehow. Um, so we do like before you start doing this other kind of work on like, okay, how do I build confidence here? Um, I am interested in changing my mindset in these places. You do have to look at these wounds that you have, um, because you have to, Like these stories are really, really strong in our heads and they make a big difference for, and I'll go through some of the wounds. A lot of the ones I've written here, I have experienced firsthand. Um, some of them a lot stronger than other ones and, and being able to get over them has really, really unblocked a lot of things for me. So one of the first, okay, so I'll just go down, go down the list, for example. So one big one is, I'm not enough. I'm not enough. Oh God. This is such a big wound that so many people have That I am NOT enough for my partner for example This is one that I had really going on that I'm not enough and it's kind of mixed with this other wound I have that like I'll always be left. Hey guys, just wanted to quickly interrupt this episode to pop in here and say I am opening up slots in my calendar for one on one coaching in September of 2023. I'm only going to be taking on about two clients at the time because my time is super limited between running the business. I'm also doing a bit of marketing for another business I've invested in, plus working on this podcast. So I can only take on two at the moment, but it's going to be extremely Powerful. If you're looking for ways to feel more confident at work. Speaking to your boss or colleagues, or if you're frustrated because things just don't go your way and you want to be able to change that and take responsibility for it. Or you want to be able to speak your needs more comfortably in dating, in a relationship with your partner, or even just, you know, be that person that can receive instead of everyone always taking things from you. Um, this is going to be super valuable for you. Um, so I recommend that you jump on it as quickly as possible. You can either fill out the form in the link in my bio or just send me a DM and we can get that on the calendar, uh, booked and ready to go. So it's a bit of an abandonment wound, but I'm not good enough To have fulfilling friendships. I'm not good enough for a really really great partner who Loves me and cherishes me and shows me this every day. I am NOT good enough Or I am NOT enough for this dream job that I want to have. So this is a really, really core one. And this is something that I did a lot of work on last year somatically. And I didn't even, I mean, I knew that it was kind of always there. I always thought that I wouldn't be enough, um, for great relationship for me. It was always related to relationships, romantic relationships. And actually now I'm starting to explore friendships as well. Like, do I have that one for? friendships, it's possible that I do. And sometimes you don't even know that you have it. But I basically did this like, um, I don't even know what it's called, like deep dive into my past. And I was imagining me as a child and just trying to understand what these wounds are. And a big one was that I am not enough. So this, I am not enough wound is, um, crazy. I don't know if I want to say popular, but just super common. Um, a lot of people have this wound and it might even, you might even like know it already that you have it. Um, Or you might not, not. Maybe right now you're starting to recognize yourself in it. But the core belief is basically, I can't do enough or I cannot, I am not enough. So, I cannot do, I can't decide or act, or I cannot do enough. I must have done something bad sometime in my life and that makes me, like, separate from love. Um... And so these people, you start to become, like, to prove yourself and to prove your worth, you start to become an overachiever or an over doer. Uh, so you really try to do a lot to the point of... self deceit. So you really struggle with being over efficient, over perfectionist because you think that you by yourself or for example, you're like giving all the time. So if you're in relationship or friendship, you always feel like you need to do things for people. So, Oh, don't mind, like, don't worry. I'm going to go and like do this huge favor for you. Uh, that is really, really inconvenient for me, um, because I have to prove somehow that I am, like, I can, I can be something that is worthy. Um, you know, or you are, you feel like you have to work for love. Um, I realized I had, like, I had this wound. Well, I guess I knew it for a long time, but I really like when I did this inner child work, it was just shocking like where it came from. And I actually went back to the exact kind of, not the exact moment, but the exact time period where I created this belief. Um, and so inner child work is really, really beautiful work because it is related to, you know, the stories that you told yourself as. as a kid, which now you're like, Oh shit, that was a small child. That was like a seven year old who came up with this. And I'm still believing the same story that my seven year old self came up with. And I still believe it every day. Whereas when I was seven, I also thought that if my abs were strong enough, I would be able to like lift both of my legs up and float and defy gravity. I also had that belief, which has been disproven by gravity and science, but why am I still holding onto this other belief that I came up with at the same time? So I have to like do stuff for everybody to be enough for them. So, um, this is a big, big core wounds that a lot of people have. Um, so then there's also people don't like me, people just don't like me. Um, and this is kind of an interesting one because likeability. Well, first of all, it's, it has, this one has many facets to it. So first of all, not everybody's going to like you. Like you're never going to get everybody to like you. If, if everybody likes you, they probably only half ass like you and you're probably not being your authentic self. Um, so if you're really, really being yourself, people, some people are not going to like you. I think still a lot of people can like. You know, you can be a likable person. So that's the other side of it is that likeability, just like confidence, just like communication is also a skill that you can build and learn. So there are some, um, like of course the kind of people you like are going to differ. Everybody's got their own taste of what, who is likable, who's not likable, but there are some common themes that you actually can work on. If you feel like you're an unlikable person. Um, there are common themes that everybody kind of seems to agree on when somebody is considered a general, generally, generally unlikable. So, for example, arrogance. If you're arrogant, you have an inflated sense of your own importance. You are condescending. You talk down to people. You assume that you're superior and you never listen to the perspective of others. When somebody is trying to share an accomplishment with you, you either went up them or you belittled, belittle them. Um, People don't like, people don't like, uh, an arrogant person and you're also more likely to be seen as less less friendly, less intelligent, less productive. Uh, and it's really bad for your career in general. I mean, unless you're like Elon Musk, I guess. Um, so this is something that everybody has been arrogant at one time. We're all experimenting with how to be, how to, um, you know, be confident. And sometimes. As you experiment, it can come off as arrogance, and so you don't want that. If you can work on that and be a little bit self aware, already you can become a little bit more likable. And then you have like, non verbal... Non verbal, um, communication, so if you are like very closed off, um, If you are, you know, not speaking in a friendly tone, You don't have warm facial expressions, you're like not smiling at people, This is also things that make you a little bit less likable, And this is just kind of agreed upon, you know, globally. And also being disinterested or aloof. If you're like... Distracted when people are talking to you or you're on your phone all the time Or you just like don't care about what they're saying Or like obviously don't care about what they're saying or you just monopolize and only want to talk about the thing that you want to talk about That's not a very likable thing. It will reduce likability. Um, so be genuinely curious. Honestly, everybody can be interesting. You just have to pull out the things that you find interesting about them. Um, again, don't be prying or nosy, but show, like, be actually interested in people. Um, So these are some things like be like, also, if you're negative, if you're just like a Debbie Downer and super pessimistic, I mean, some actually pessimists love being with other pessimists because misery loves company, but most people like a positive person. So even if you're not like insulting or arrogant or derogatory, um, like Just a negative attitude makes you unlikable. So, if you are concerned about people not liking you, you can say, How can I see more positivity in things? How can I, you know, be kinder to people? Um, how can I be more curious about people? Can I listen more actively? And can I be humble? Um, and realize that we're all facing the same journey. So that said, you know, I used to think... And I'm still battling with this, because I've been going through the phase where I'm like, Oh shit, people, everybody hates me. Um, which is not true. That is just a core wound, because I have a lot of people who like me. But it's sometimes like a story that I tell myself, like, everybody hates me. Uh, or nobody likes me. Um, for the, you know, you have this kind of anger towards it. It's like, well, fine. Well, if you don't like me, fuck you. You know, this is who I am and this is, and you better deal with it. Um, and that's just not a purposeful living way of approaching it. So for example, um, I've, I always thought that I wasn't very good at relationships. I always thought that, mm, I'm never gonna have, like, this man who adores me and cherishes me, and, um, you know, does all these nice things, and I was also kind of like, well, I am who I am, uh, and you better fucking deal with it. And I think a lot of women actually have this attitude, probably a lot of men too, but a lot of women are like, don't tell me what you like in a woman. Like, I'm just going to be me. I'm not going to make this effort cause fuck men. And you're like angry towards them. Um, and then you don't make any effort to like be good relationship material. And this is something that I came like realized in my journey is like, you actually have to make an effort to be good relationship material. Um, so like be open to them, be trusting, be. Like, let yourself have fun. Uh. There's a lot of different things there and it's not betraying myself at all because I'm still being genuine through it But it's working on those things. We're like, okay, actually We are social creatures and I do have to put in this work to like have better quality relationships. And I have a really high quality relationship now. And I actually put a lot of effort into it and I put a lot of effort into myself. Like, how can I be more confident? How can I get rid of these abandonment wounds? So I'm not. Um, but how can I better communicate my actual needs? So I am communicating my needs because I was like, sometimes you can be simultaneously needy while not communicating your needs. And then you become passive aggressive and resentful. So like, how can I work on all of those, those things to have higher quality relationships? And I worked a lot on that and now I have a high quality one. And I think if you're looking at it in general, like being a likable person, you can actually be intentional about being more likable. And it's not, does not necessarily need to come from a fake place. Like, it's not about changing who you are. You should, like, the more confident you are, the more genuine you are, the better it's gonna be. And you can also make an effort to say, actually, why don't I give this person a chance and see if they could be interesting. Actually, why don't I put my phone down? and pay attention to what they're saying. Um, actually, why don't I let this person tell their story instead of me thinking that my story is way better and that maybe I should be self aware and realize not everybody just wants to listen about me. So you can see, like, I hope that as I'm explaining this, you can see how you can remain genuine and true to yourself while also making these efforts to become. more likable or to like just improve the quality of your relationship. So that is a skill. It's also a core. wound where you're thinking everybody hates me. So that's kind of different because even if you do the work to become more likable, you may still have this story going on in you. And that's when the inner child work could be really useful to do because even if you do like add these skills, this is the kind of thing, even if you add the skills, even if you learn them, if you still have this story in your head that you have not healed from your childhood, it's going to keep. Like it's not going to like, even if you learn the skills, you still need to get rid of this, of this wound. And that's through normally like somatic and inner child work. Um, if you want to know more about that, you can book a one on one with me, which the link is the link is in the show notes, or you could DM me on Instagram at purposefulliving. co. So another wound that you have is. There's something wrong with me. I am bad. I am flawed. Um, a lot of people have this core wound where like, there seems to be something wrong with me. And so this like compensating personality, personality is I have to be perfect. I have to prove there's nothing wrong with me. So you're always seeking validation, perfection. Um, and you actually are like clingy and controlling because you want to be Perfect. So these people are perfectionists, um, and they need a lot of validation. And, or, um, people who have this wound of there's something wrong with me, they can also be, you know, have an avoidant attachment style. So they're like, I am, you know, I can't have a relationship. I'm not good at relationships because there's something wrong with me. And so they're always pushing people away that they care about. They're not able to invite intimacy into their lives, even though they might want it. Um, they're really just pushing, pushing away because they say there's genuinely something wrong with me. So again, core wound, you have to go back to your childhood to figure out when this occurred. Um, like the moment in which it occurred. And it's just really, really interesting exercise to do is to figure out when your pain started happening. Um, other core wounds that you can have is, I am not safe. So it could be either I am not safe to express myself, which is a big one, or I'm just not safe in general to be myself, I'm not safe in a relationship, or basically, so if you feel it's not safe to express yourself, that's gonna show up as, you know, Um, you think that you're too much. So you think if I, if I have to be the calm one, I have to be the one who, um, is like the peacemaker. Otherwise, I am not going to be loved. Uh, other people, they can show their emotions. They can act out. People are still going to love them. But if I show my emotions, um, then I'm not going to be loved anymore. So this can, again, this comes from childhood where you watch your parents, maybe when you cry, your parents were like, don't cry. Or maybe one of your parents was very, um, I had like depression. Maybe one of your, your parents had like depression or anxiety and they were going through it and they weren't able to like be that example of emotional maturity to you and maybe they acted out, uh, and then you had to kind of show up and be the parent and be like, okay, I am the, like, somebody's got to be in control around here. So that's going to be me. And you put that on yourself as a child. Imagine that as a child you put on the responsibility because everybody else around you is acting out and being really emotional but not in a healthy way. Or like maybe you find one of your parents crying somewhere and it's just like a repeated thing and they never talk about it in a healthy way. And that kind of puts it on you where like, I cannot express myself because I might set them off. I might make them upset. Or maybe they tell you not to. So it becomes to a place where you are very uncomfortable being vulnerable. And again, uh, because you think you're going to maybe get left or you think people are going to judge you or you're just not going to be accepted somehow. So even with your closest friends, you're like, you know, they're like telling you about their day. They're like, Oh, what about you? And you're like, Oh no, no, no, no, no. Don't worry about me. Don't worry about me. Let's talk about you because you don't feel safe sharing with them what you are going on. What's going on inside of you? Oh, this is really hitting me in the core. I definitely have this wound as well. I feel like I have all of them to some degree. Some of them were a lot stronger, and I've worked through them. But now, as I'm talking about it, I'm like, ugh. I really still struggle, like, feeling safe to express myself. Because you're like, I will Um, want to make everybody else feel safe and I'm somehow not going to get accepted if I express myself. I'm going to be too much. So again, this is stuff that happened in your childhood where it could have been something super minor. So maybe it could be somebody being like beating you if you cry, but it doesn't have to be that extreme. It could also be just, um, seeing a Parent not be emotionally, super emotionally mature and then you take that responsibility upon yourself because for some reason, you thought that that's what it meant that you had to do. And then you carry that on with you into adulthood. Um, so this is another core wound to like recognize that's really going to block you from developing these really intimate relationships that are key to living a happy and healthy life. Um, So, signs that you may have an unhealed core wound. Um, one is you often just feel inadequate. So if you have these repeated thoughts in your head like, I'm not enough, I'm incomplete, I'm unlovable. Um, and you just think that. Or if you're, oh my god, one thing that would always go through my head is like, if somebody expressed love to me. This is so sad coming out, but if somebody expressed love to me and I'm like, Oh, they're just being polite or they're just trying to make me feel better. Um, or they're just saying that because they're my boyfriend and they like, just, uh, you know, want to feel like a good boyfriend themselves, but they don't actually mean it. And this is actual things I would say to myself. And sometimes I still catch myself saying that and it's really sad, uh, but at least I'm self aware and I'm like, Oh shit, that's my story. Like that's not correct. But that is a story that I had like held onto for 20 years longer. Um, so if you hear these kind of things in your head like, Oh, they're just being polite, they don't actually mean it. You may have this kind of core wound where you feel inadequate. Or like, I'm bad, I'm imperfect, I'm powerless. Uh, if you constantly feel a sense of abandonment, resentment, or betrayal. So also another core wound is something like, I will always be left. I am always a placeholder for this person to find the actual one that they want to stay with. Or I saw like a comedian the other day said something like, I am a foster home for guys. So they come, they heal, they fuck, and then they go on to their actual wives. Um, and this. I mean, a lot of comedians, I guess, they joke about their wounds, and I guess it makes it funny, but, um, that's a really good example of this kind of core wound. Of like, nobody, I'm not enough, nobody will ever stay with, like, everybody will always leave me. My friends are gonna leave me, my family's gonna leave me, and this is something, maybe you saw as an actual example, like, people left you in your life, so you say this is the permanent scenario. Um, if you are a perfectionist, If you gain your self esteem from the outcome of what you do rather than the intent, the intention of what you did, or you always have to be perfect, you may have some of these core wounds. If you have chronic anxiety, so if you are always anticipating... This feels painful because I've actually like... But if you're always anticipating being let down, or you're always anticipating when they find out that you are unworthy, like, oh, I'm new, so now they're going to like me, but I'm going to have to change friends or change boyfriends soon because they're going to get to know me and they're going to get tired and they're going to leave because... I am not interesting enough, or I am not fun enough, or I am not feminine enough, or I am not these things enough, and they will leave. Uh, and you think this deep down inside. You think it's really true, and you may not be totally aware of it. But maybe something is ringing true for you as I say this right now. Um, and really the first step is becoming self aware and then trying to find out, When did this, when did I make up this story? Because we are literally the same as anybody else, and you can see examples of people who, like, we're all imperfect. Animals here you see examples of people who have long relations who have these things and it's really just us getting in our own way And self sabotaging if you like repeat the same old the same mistakes over and over again in your relationships because you have this like negative programming and you don't find the confidence or courage to change it. And you're like, this is just how I am. And this is just how it's going to be. You may have one of these core wounds that you need healed as well. Um, if you find comfort in your misery because people pay attention to you because they're like, Oh, poor Maiva. She's never going to find a boyfriend. I'm like, yeah. Oh man, it sucks. I can never find a good guy. Or like, I'm going to do a comedy bit because, uh, I mean, I'm not a comedian actually. So I could probably do it in like Improv. I do some improv comedy. Like, oh, I always find good bits from like how funny it is to feel sorry for me. Or you're just like that like if I it's scary like if I did this work to improve myself And then I still got rejected Then it would be true or like I prove it somehow like I don't even want to do the work So I don't want to take the risk that You know, I do the work and then the outcome is the same. So there's, or, you know, I don't like, there's so many reasons that you might feel really comfortable in this place. Um, because it's the story that you've always told, said about yourself. Um. If you behave dishonestly or inauthentically, so again, it's kind of passive aggressive ish. Like, if you pretend to like stuff that you don't like, or if you pretend to be a certain way, um, just to gain the acceptance and validation of other people, you may have this core wound. Um, if you're emotionally numb, if you're like, I don't care about any of this, I don't feel anything. I, everything is kind of meaningless. I don't know why anybody cares about anything. I literally feel nothing. It is a defense mechanism. It's a defense mechanism to try to protect you from these wounds like coming true. Um, or like you want them to come true because it would validate. Your story, uh, so you kind of make yourself feel nothing and this is learned and then you can also always feel like an outcast Like I'll never fit in all those people are like really close and have friends and haha They have fun and I'll never have that because I'm different from them and nobody can like understand me Then you have these core wounds. So as I'm recording this podcast, I'm like damn I thought I had done so much work on these core wounds Um, it looks like I have more work to do, because I do still kind of resonate with some of this stuff. So, yeah, there's different, different kinds of core wounds, which is, as I mentioned, you have your abandonment, betrayal. You can also have physical, sexual, mental wounds, like, I'm ugly, or I'm stupid, or even things like, I'm not a good speaker. These are all core beliefs. Um, I'm not interesting, or I don't, I'm not deserving of that, that's a big one, which is kind of, it's kind of mixed with I'm not enough, but then there's a big one like I don't deserve that much money, or I don't deserve, I'm a bad person, so I don't deserve to have a loving boyfriend, I don't deserve to have this, or have that, so these kind of things are all these core wounds. So, Really, how to understand these is a lot of deep introspection, uh, possibly you could work through it with a therapist, possibly you could work through it with some inner child work, um, right now as I'm talking to you, if you're really honest with yourself, you might have recognized yourself in some of these. You might have said, oof, I kind of felt something there, like, that's something I've told myself. Maybe you're like, oh, but that's it, but it's true though, like for me it's true, it's not. It's, it's not true, these stories. Um, so that's my story for there. I hope this was interesting for you and gives you a little chance to do some retrospection. Uh, and I'd love to hear about how, um, you know, how this resonated with you. And that's it for today. Uh, for this episode and thank you. If you made it all the way to the end, you rock. You're awesome. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you. Outro Music