19. Why you don't want to have sex with your boyfriend/husband anymore

Maeva dives deep into reasons you can't find on the internet for why you hetero women don't want to have sex with their long-term partners anymore. And lots of them are in your control, without need for meds or hyponses!

Studies cited in the episode:
Orgasm gap study: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28213723/ 

Low sexual desire: https://www.jsm.jsexmed.org/article/S1743-6095(15)31335-7/fulltext 

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Transcript

1:15

Hello beautiful people. So, it is 7 30 in the evening. I, uh, it's a Monday evening. I normally I never record these podcasts, uh, in weekdays, but I'm trying to build a buffer. I'm trying to build a buffer till the month and, um, get ahead so I can actually have some weekends off and I can purposely live, which is not just continue to work every weekend. Uh, so I'm recording here on a Monday night and I have a pretty saucy, Episode for you today, I am talking about why women don't want to have sex with their longterm partners anymore. So, I think this is a very, uh, common problem for a lot of women is they're sexual, they're dating, things are going well, they love having sex, and then they get into a relationship, they love the guy, he's amazing. And little by little, a year goes by. Especially if they start living together and they suddenly don't feel like having sex with their partner anymore. So then they start going into, you know, searches for solutions. What's wrong with me? What kind of pills do I have to take? Um, do I need to get hypnosis? Do I need to do something? Cause there's clearly something wrong with me, right? Wrong with my sexuality because I've always been somebody who loves. they say, why am I not loving it right now? So, you know, a lot of women they'll go to the doctor to try to figure out what's wrong with them. Or they'll succumb and just say, well, you know, women just want to have sex less. But let me start by saying that scientifically it has been debunked that women have lower libidos than men. Um, they just don't, but women do lose their desire. sexual desire towards their long term partners faster and more often than women. So it is a very interesting, uh, topic to be discussing. So we're taking Makaruts. We're getting targeted for ads saying, do this and your libido is going to go up. Do that. Um, but you know, that might not be the answer. And in today's episode. I'm going to dive into things other than the regular health things, because obviously things like, uh, hormones and meds, you're taking diseases. You might have all of those obviously have a very important role, but I did notice most people will look at that first and then say, okay, well then there must be something else wrong with me and then try to fix it from that perspective and then give up when I have Um, other news for you that it's actually not that simple. There are things that you can do to increase your desire to have sex with your partner, and it is in your control. So I'm going to talk about that today. In a study of more than 50, 000 people, 95 percent of heterosexual men said they usually are always orgasm when sexually intimate, while only 65 percent of heterosexual women said the same thing. So this is a topic, the orgasm gap, I don't think that's news to, to many people. We all know, we all have this picture in the movies. where the couple is having sex and the guy comes and he falls over on the bed. He's like, Oh, that was so great. Did you come? And she's like, yes, I came to the wrong place. You know, she's just not, she's not having it. And, um, Um, and they kind of just sit there and put up with it. So we have this orgasm gap and there's a lot of different reasons for this. Women take, you know, women are more sensitive or women just approach sex differently, but we're so biased to the way that men have sex that we don't approach it. We don't think about the way women have it. And also that. You know, we're going to say society teaches us not to speak up for ourselves, uh, but we also choose not to speak up for us to ourselves because we're just not trained that way. Right. So we can, you couldn't even imagine a scenario where your woman is sleeping with a guy and then she has an orgasm and then she stops and says, okay, we're good. And the guy would be like, oh, all right. Awesome. Which is what happens all the time with women. The man will come, and the woman will not, and everybody will be like, Oh, wasn't that great? And nothing will happen. Um, and it's not only the men to blame. The women will just be, say nothing. Whereas, if you think about it from the other perspective, if a woman were to come first, and be like, Alright, wasn't that awesome? The guy would be like, Um, yeah, but I'm not done. Uh, you have to do, you have to continue this. You have to finish this. Sorry for my brothers listening to this. I know he listens to my podcast. There's going to be a lot of talk about sex in this. Um, but the man would not let that be the end of it. He would say, okay, well then give me a hand job or blow job or something like that. And he would fight for his own orgasm, which women do not do. So that's something to talk about. Honestly, if men didn't fight for it, would there be such this orgasm gap? I mean, of course they go faster, but it's also them taking responsibility. So that's something to think about. So women, many studies show that women orgasm more when alone. Then with a partner, so they do orgasm. They tend to orgasm the least when their partner is a man. So if their partner is another woman, then the gap is a lot, um, it's a lot smaller. So what is this thing about having a man in the room? The orgasm back is bigger, but you know, women are sexual creatures. They have orgasms. They masturbate as much as men. Um, yet. Up to one in three women between the ages of 30 and 59 experience what they perceive to be low libido at some point in their lives, whereas only one in five men experience low libido. And I believe that a lot of these moments are not actually low libido. But it's something else because low libido is a medical thing and it might not be low libido. It might be that you're in a monogamous relationship that you are not feeling fulfilled in and you have these other things going on and you just don't want to have sex with your partner. But if you were to put, if you still masturbate, if you still were to be put in a situation when you were single and you would still want to have sex with somebody. That means you don't have a low libido. It means it's specifically towards your partner. So what does that mean? Oh, yes, I love my partner though Still this can happen and this does happen. Even if you love your partner 20 percent of marriages are sexless Sexless means you haven't had sex in one year or longer But sometimes some people only have sex once every six months. It's every three months And of course, this goes without saying, everybody has different levels of sexual drive. There is differences in sexual drives. I'm not saying that the healthy person or the person who fixes this or whatever that it needs to be fixed. I'm not saying that then they're going to be having sex every single day or want to have sex with their partner every single day. It ebbs and flows and everybody has different baselines, but this is something not to be ignored. I think way too many women just say my sex drive is lower or I actually don't want sex that much. That often but they haven't addressed these other things and it might not be fully true because if you put those women if they become Single, I bet those women will be having more sex because they want it and because they like it um so before you say My sex drive isn't is just not that high Please listen to this episode and consider these other things that might be going on. Um, because sex is very important in a relationship. It's a really great way to bond. It's a really great way to release love hormones, bonding hormones. Um, it's a great way to, to be intimate. There's just, and it's so good for you on so many other health levels. It's a basic human need. So, it's also some people are just not prioritizing sex in their relationships. And they should be prioritizing it just like you should be prioritizing exercise and eating healthy where you're like, well, I don't wanna make it a chore. Well, you can find a way that makes it fun for you exercise. You need to prioritize it in your life. Um, and for some people, it feels like a chore, but some people find the way that works for them the way that they enjoy doing it. And you have to find a way to do that to also have sex with your long term partner because it is a super important part of your relationship. And it's a super important part of your own health. So. You know, some women are in this situation where they're like, Oh, well, my man, I told my man I have low sex drive. I have told him I'm not that horny most of the time, but then you're masturbating like every day or every other day. So what does that mean? So the problem again, it's not your libido. It's that you don't want to have sex with him anymore. And sometimes it's hard to admit that sometimes it might just be, so I'm going to dive into the things I'm talking about today are if you actually Do love your partner and want to stay with your partner, but sometimes it also just might be that you're repulsed by him and you actually don't want to be with this person. So that's one thing to think about. That's not what I'm going to be talking about today because I'm hoping you're, I'll record another episode about how to know if you need to break up with somebody, but sometimes it's the case that You're actually just repulsed by that person and you are in this relationship, you're like, Oh, but he's so nice. Oh, but he does all these nice things for me. You don't owe somebody a long term partnership and relationship just because they're nice to you. Okay. Just because they treat you good. You deserve to have a sexually fulfilling relationship. So that's one thing to think about. That's not going to be the only thing that you can be with your soulmate and still lose interest in having sex with that person. So again, it's going to be ebbs and flows. Relationships change. There are phases. You might be more stressed sometimes, but let's dive into it. And so is it libido? Because libido is a, is a medical term. It's a medical level of your desire sex drive, but is it him or is it you? There are things that you might be doing that are not helping in this situation. So it's not a black and white issue. And it's, it is affected by the things you hear the most, of course. If your, your hormone levels, for example, have a big play in it. Uh, if your estrogen is really low. Then you do get vaginal dryness. You lose your sex drive. That's, that's a total thing. If your stress is really high, and that's also something I'm going to talk about, it's really hard to, to like have a high sex drive when your stress is really high. And you might be taking medications that get in the way. So all of these things, I, these are the thing kind of things you would talk about with your doctor. That's not what I'm going to be talking about here today, but these things you should, what I'm going to be talking about is you also should try. So is it you or is it him? It might be both. I talk about purposeful living, so that means living that you take action on, you take responsibility of your own life, you live your life with purpose. Right? So, most of what I want to cover on this episode are things that you can be doing, but there are things that he might be doing that takes away from your desire to have sex with him as well. So, things that he might be doing are, he doesn't see, he doesn't see you, see you. He doesn't treat you like you are super attractive anymore. You don't get compliments from him. You get all cute and he barely looks at you or he looks at you and he's like, where are you going? Doesn't show this desire. And we want to be wanted, we want to be cherished. But if he's not putting in that kind of attention to you, that can turn off your sexual desire. It can deteriorate it over time. And it's normal, you don't want to have sex with a man who doesn't compliment you. Another thing you might be doing is he's not sharing the household workload. Women have always done more than men in the household, so they've always, you know, they're cooking, they're cleaning, etc. I say get a cleaner, that solves most of the problems, but some people don't want to do that. So they're cooking, they're cleaning, and today, before it was the man provided financially, and today it's a 50 50 household. If not, the woman making more a lot of the times, especially the kind of women who would be listening to this kind of podcast, they might be making more. than the, than the, their male partner. Yet, doing more work at home. Woof! If that's not a recipe for resent, and resent is the path to not wanting to have sex, I don't know what is. So, lack of household share. Another thing that he might be doing is acting like a fucking child. So, he doesn't know when the kid's doctor's appointments are. He, he couldn't even remember, he doesn't know what clothes fit the kid. He doesn't know where things are in the house. He can't clean up the house. Um, he is a child, and most women avoid having sex with children. So if you have to mother him constantly and he's not showing up as the man of the household, you probably are losing sexual desire for him. So this is also... about leaning into your feminine energy a little bit more and biting his masculine. Another reason you might not want to have sex with him is He doesn't work on himself. He's not hygienic. He's not clean. Maybe he actually smells and that's a huge turnoff and he thinks it's the pheromones or whatever or like I'm trying to have healthy hair and not shampoo it. No, it's gross. Maybe he doesn't work out and stay healthy. He doesn't dress well. He's just a blob. Women are expected to spend so much time on and money. being beautiful perfect creatures and then men become absolute fucking blobs and wonder why their women don't want to sleep with them. That's another reason men need to step up a little bit in that place. Another thing he might be doing is he doesn't try to get good at sex. He just stinks a finger up there, pumps away, doesn't take time to do foreplay, to caress you, to love you, to learn your body. He's done. He flops over onto the bed. While you lay there confused. He's like, Oh, that was great. So after I said all this, maybe I have your blood boiling. Fucking men. Oh, goddamn men. Those bastards. No. Back up. This is purposeful living. Remember? So we are taking our own responsibility. First of all, your responsibility is to vet and choose the right man. So if you're like any, all the things I'm about to say, I feel like that would never work my man. Cause he doesn't care. Cause he doesn't treat me right. Well, maybe you need to purposefully get yourself out of that relationship. But before you do that, there are things that you need to learn how to do communicating and standing up for yourself. So we're going to talk mostly about what women can do to increase this desire. And if none of that works, then maybe it's time to start questioning something. So again, we're all looking, we're all trying to figure out why don't I want to have sex with this wonderful man? What is wrong with me? Well, you know what? I have been in that situation before where I'm trying to find pills to increase my libido or something. And I'm like, I don't know what is wrong with me. As soon as I'm single, it's back. Or it was back in that scenario, but it's not that anything is wrong with you unless you have a true underlying medical condition for it. In which case, please do see a doctor. But before you all try all these pills, all these hypnoses, all these trying to figure out what's wrong with you. I want you, I want to invite you to try the things I'm talking about here. It's actually normal. Heterosexual women in the aggregate face a problem called habituation to a stimulus or everybody faces that. But in, in the relationship they face it earlier on than men in a longterm relationship. In fact, longterm relationships and monogamy. tend to suppress women's sexual interest in their partner. If that's not a crazy fact, I don't know what is. So long term monogamy does require women to do all of the giving. When they're in their feminine, they should be doing the receiving. That's how they feel safe and open to have sex. But they're doing all the giving. They're doing more housework. They're doing the childcare. They're sleeping less. They're working more on their appearance. They're going more to the gym. They're doing it all, and they're bringing home half of the bacon these days, if not more, and they're supposed to want to have sex with this guy? Hmm. Crickets. Sound the crickets. So, Marta Mijanov, University of Nevada in Las Vegas, um, also said in 2017 sex therapy research conference, long term relationships are tough on desire, particularly on female desire. Okay, so this is probably not news to you as you are listening to this, but um, let's talk about it. Let's dive in. So the first thing that you need to do is learn what your sexual preferences and desires are like how you actually like to have sex, what actually things that you like to do. I think we've been so accustomed our whole upbringing to ignore our own needs. We're just the man is supposed to want us and we're supposed to be the thing that is wanted. And then we're, you know, we want to be wanted. That's normal, but then we don't think about what we want. So we don't know what we want in bed. We just think we want the man to come. And so we don't learn what it is that we like. We don't explore those kinds of things. So you need to explore the kind of things that you'd like. There's some things that I can recommend. Oh my God. Yes. com is a website where there's all of these guides, like things that you can explore. There's like 12 essential. movements or things that you can do to explore what your sexual preferences are. And you could also try some audio. There's audio porn for women. I think there's one called Quinn Q U I N N and they have all these audio recordings and it's specifically for women. There's all these different categories and I would just make it a mission of yours to kind of Sit and start studying what, what do you like? What is turning you on in all of those things and start seeing if you can explore some of those things with your partner. So learn what it is you like, uh, and start this. And it's okay if you don't know immediately, you know, something might be a yes or no, or maybe it might be a hard note. You're like, hell no, I don't want to try that. Or yes, definitely. And this. I'm intrigued. I'm willing to try. Um, so you have to find somebody you trust. Ideally your partner, if you, Or listening to this, I assume you have one. Next thing you want to do is practice openly communicating. So again, we have these women who will say, it's fine, or they'll like, you know, they're sleeping with the man, they can't get into orgasm, they fake an orgasm, and then they say, you know what, it's fine, don't worry about it. I would rather this be over. I would rather this be over than you continue trying. God, but that's actually because they're not communicating what they like in general. So it's not that they're saying, I want an orgasm and saying, um, you know, this man is just jackrabbiting or doing stuff, you know, there's a lot of other things that might not work for you that you do have to communicate all of those. So it's going to take some work there. Another thing you have to do is learn your erotic blueprint. So erotic blueprints is something created by Miss Jaya, who is a sexual sexologist. She's an award, she's a somatic sexologist. And so the erotic blueprint is a map to your own wiring and what turns you on. And there's five different erotic blueprints. And this was quite fascinating when I did this, this study of what the erotic blueprints are, because suddenly I was like, Oh my god, that makes so much sense because I don't get turned on at, with my I didn't get turned on at all by the same things that turned him on. And he kept trying to turn me on in the way that he was turned on. But I was like, honestly, that's just repulsing me. At the end of the day, you know, we weren't meant to be together. But, um, it's also really important to understand what your blueprints are. So there's five different ones. There's the energetic. which is the energy. They're aroused by, this is, this is what I am as well, like aroused by space, anticipation, teasing, tension. They, they like light touch. They don't want to get too heavy. Um, they're probably gonna get, they need a sa, a sense of safety. So they really need a calm, quiet space. They need to be able to breathe deeply. They need to be able to take time, and they'll easily shut down with overwhelm anxiety. If something, if they feel too overstimulated, if there's too much touching, too much things going on, they'll, they'll kind of turn off. So it really needs. And then there's the essential blueprint, which is about the vibe. So there's like taste, smell, touch, sight, sound. So they really need setting the mood. They need the right music, the right lighting, some nice smelling candles. The sheets are clean, um, and like a beautiful kind of thing. So, uh, they really want to savor the experience. Um. If there's any kind of unflattering lighting or the wrong music, unpleasant smell, they're super turned off. The sexual blueprint, um, which to me was like the opposite of me because that's what one of my exes was that. I mean, you can also, as long as you're aware of what it is and you communicate it, it's fine if you have different sexual blueprints. But they're just very orgasm driven. They're aroused super easily. Um, they, they can be, they're aroused just by looking at bodies or just like thinking about sex, um, or watching sex and they're just like very much into the sex thing. They're not so much into going slow in the whole experience. Um, they're, they're kind of, they're very just focused on the orgasm and not so interested in exploring other avenues of pleasure. So it can be quite. It can cause a lot of issues if you're, if they're with somebody who's not a sexual one. And then there's the kinky blueprint, which is, you know, they are turned on by the taboo. So they're excited by situations that are outside of the social norms or it's deviant. So they want like power dynamics, stepping out of their comfort zone, pushing edges, psychological sensation, fetish based kink, all those kinds of things. And, um, they can often feel shame around this. So they have some emotional barriers to communicating their desires because it's, you know, taboo kind of things. And then there's the shape shifter, the fifth blueprint, which gets all, like, it likes a little bit of everything. In any case, everybody has a percentage of each one. It's just, it's, you know, it's like the personality tests. So understanding this can be quite game changer. And also if you do her, she has like a course, I think. where they teach you how to communicate it to your partner and that could be very useful. Like what, what things to try and what words to use with your partner. Okay, so these are the first things you should do. And then there is the big, big topic of resent. So none of the things that I just said will matter if you let resent build up in your life. So the conversations that you're not having, the sweaty palms conversations you're not having, you need to have those. You need to get those out of the way. You should live your life. Like, your main goal should be to eliminate resent at all costs possible. Do not hold things inside. Say what you have to say. Otherwise, sex becomes very difficult, because resent ruins it all, and resent builds up. Um, and I don't mean, you know, exploding, being like, You never do this! You n You need to do it in a way that's effective. So it's not just anger release. It's actual, you're trying to get action done, not just anger release. You're trying to incite an action from your partner. You need things to change. So if you've been listening to any of our podcasts, I talk about ways to communicate this. If you do need help, reach out to me. I help people communicate, get out of resent. Um, that is one of the things I like to coach my clients on. So You know, these women are like, our sex life diminished because this man just does not understand how exhausted I am from doing literally everything related to household maintenance and childcare. And he has no interest in my feelings or needs. At least it feels that way. But we haven't communicated, have we? Not in a way that's effective. Probably just in the naggy way, which does not ever get received by men. Um, and he's not interested in satisfying me in the bedroom. He's sexually selfish. Again, have we communicated these things in a way that gets through to men? Have we been effectively communicating? So you really got to focus on this. I need to just like really get rid of resent on both sides. Well, you can't control him communicating his needs. He needs to do that himself, but you can communicate things that you, and I bet you, there's conversations you haven't been having. So you need to have those conversations. Get it out of the way, get through that painful thing to get back into being able to have desire for him. Another thing women aren't doing is turning themselves on, embodying their own sexuality. We're again, putting the responsibility into somebody else's hands. He's not doing enough to turn me on. He's not seducing me. He's not turning me on. Well. Lady, Vanessa, uh, it is your responsibility to turn yourself on. Just like if he gets horny, it's his responsibility to get off. I mean, the idea is that you're gonna, you know, join and enjoy it together. But you should be prioritizing and making time to turn yourself on and become a sexual being. What is it that makes you feel sexy? Is it wearing nice lingerie? It's for some people it is. Is it eating a little piece of chocolate or whatever, watching something, reading a novel, erotic novel, whatever it is, you need to start making time for that the same as with your physical health and your nutrition. It's important to prioritize you staying a sexual being. That's how you can. Because if you don't, if you're at 2%, you're like, I'm exhausted and then you're not going to ever feel like you want to have sex with him. So it also means making that space for yourself. Don't work yourself to death and then just get home. You're like, Oh, I got a plan. I got to do this. I got to organize. I got to do that. No, you need to take a break and you need to wind down. You need to take a bath and enjoy some sensuality and some. Reconnect with your body. Um, otherwise you're just gonna, somebody who spreads super thin is not going to feel sexy or sexual. And also somebody who is a blob all the time and doesn't dress themselves nice or make themselves look nice, however that is for them. Again, not going to feel like a sexy person. And next thing is set your boundaries. So if you just, you need to up the standard, basically up the standard for how you want to be treated. So if he's just a blob all the time, you're like, I want to be taken out on a date. And he's like, well, let's just watch Netflix at home. No, no, you do not accept that kind of standard. You say, okay, well, I'm gonna go do something else. I want to take myself on a date because I want to do something fun. Um, if he's coming in with stuff all over his face and you find it gross, you also need, babe, uh, this, I, I feel uncomfortable when you have food all over your face. It doesn't really turn me on. Um, I'll be back, you know, let me know when you, if, it's fine, you do you. I don't control you. I'm not gonna control you. If you love to have food all over your face, that is your business. That's definitely not mine, but I'm not going to be around you while you have food on your face. And have boundaries for what you're doing in the house. Why are you cleaning all the dishes? Why are you picking up all the socks? Either get a cleaner or stop doing it yourself. Have boundaries. Don't do things that, that cause resent, um, up to the point where, you know, you're just an used. sock. That's what you feel like. And, and this is to the point where some women are like, well, he just wants to get off. And so I'm just the one who's there and I'm his wife. So it's appropriate thing to do. So that's why he's having sex with me, not because he's turned on. So how could you be turned on? It's just a bad, nasty place to get to. And it all comes from not having boundaries and not managing resent because you really need to prioritize managing resent. Whew. Okay. Then I have two more. Solving your inner core wounds. So I do have an episode about your core, about the core wounds. You can just look that up on Spotify, finding your core wounds. But if you have core wounds that are anything like, you know, I am not wanted. I'm not desirable. Um, I'm not sexy. I'm not enough. Uh, I'm going to be abandoned, any of those kind of things you need to work on that because that really stops you from being able to relax into the moment, get into your body, get out of your head and just enjoy the moment with your, with your loved one. And then stress. So I talked about this. It's really hard to just get into the moment because sex is about being in your body and not being in your head. You really have to get out of your head and stop thinking about things. And If you're stressed, if you're thinking about something else, it's really, really, really hard. So manage your stress, take breaks, stop trying to over perform, stop trying to compete with everybody, especially him. Let yourself get taken care of and let him know, you know what, I can't, I can't operate at this speed anymore and it's not good for our sex life, so I need you to take a little bit care of me. I need you to cook dinner and clean tonight because I just need to relax. Let yourself relax, let yourself breathe. Drop a hobby if you have to. This is me telling you this at 8 o'clock at night on a Saturday. Um, Those are my tips for you. And I recommend, I bet you if you tried some of these things, you might not think that there's something wrong with you. You might discover a lot about you that you hadn't thought about before and you might not need to take all of those pills or have a hypnosis because I don't think there's something wrong with you. Just how much shared what it is that turns you on. Um, that's me. If you listen all the way to the end, please do like, you know, subscribe. I publish every week, uh, on Sunday and please share this with somebody that you think might, might find it useful. And, uh, thank you so much for your time and attention. Appreciate you.