Beyond Incarceration: From Hopelessness to Healing

"Beyond Incarceration: A Journey from Hopelessness to Healing" with Sonya McDonald, a remarkable Women in Recovery graduate who shares her personal story of overcoming adversity and addiction, finding hope, and transforming her life.

For almost 30 years, Oklahoma stood at the forefront of this issue nationwide. While currently ranked third, the state still exceeds the national average by twofold. 

Many women who end up incarcerated have faced a history of trauma, abuse, and limited access to education and economic opportunities. A significant proportion have struggled with substance abuse or mental health issues, often stemming from untreated trauma. Addressing these underlying issues and providing comprehensive support systems is crucial in breaking the pathway to female incarceration and today's guest knows firsthand about these issues. 

Our guest today is Sonya McDonald. She grew up in a violent home where she endured several types of abuse. She started experimenting with drugs and alcohol at age 13, and by age 19 was in a full-blown addiction. By 23, she was convicted of a felony, and by the time she was in her late thirties, she was homeless, and she felt completely hopeless.  She desperately needed to address the many underlying issues that were the result of many traumatic events that occurred, but she didn't know how or where to start. Then she was accepted into Family & Children's Services' Women in Recovery program in Tulsa, Oklahoma. 

Women in Recovery, also known as WIR, is an intensive outpatient alternative to incarceration for eligible women facing long-term prison sentences for drug-related offenses. WIR uses a whole-person approach to address the multiple needs of a woman by developing a pathway of opportunity with comprehensive services and removing barriers, ultimately avoiding incarceration. By working with the criminal justice system and utilizing evidence-based curriculums, women conquer their addiction, recover from trauma, address mental illness, and acquire the essential economic, emotional, and social tools to build successful and productive lives. 

Sonya graduated from Women in Recovery in 2015, and she currently works as a program coordinator at Tulsa Lawyers for Children. 

Support and stay connected to us. First, be sure to hit that subscribe button wherever you're listening to us. Subscribing ensures you never miss an episode, and it's absolutely free. It also helps us continue bringing you quality content.

Consider leaving us a review. Your reviews not only make our day, but they also help others discover the podcast and join our community.

Share this episode with your friends, family, and anyone who might find it interesting. Word of mouth is a powerful way to grow our podcast family, and we truly appreciate your support.

We're always eager to hear your thoughts, ideas, and suggestions for future episodes. Visit www.okstateofmind.com for all of our episodes. You can also email us at communications@fcsok.org with any episode ideas or questions. We'd love to connect with you.

Thank you once again for accompanying us on the journey. Until next time!

Transcript

Dee: 0:00

Hi, and welcome to OK State of Mind, a podcast by Family Children's Services based in Tulsa, Oklahoma. This podcast seeks to satisfy inquisitive minds, eager to delve into the realm of mental health and overall wellbeing. Join us on a journey to gain insights into the intricacies of the human psyche and draw inspiration from stories of resilience and hope. Moreover, we'll unravel the fascinating science, the invisibilia shedding light on the whys behind our behavior and overall mental health. I'm Dee Harris, your host today, and our focus is examining the cycle of female incarceration in Oklahoma. For almost 30 years, Oklahoma stood at the forefront of this issue nationwide.

0:46

While currently ranked third, the state still exceeds the national average by twofold.

Dee: 0:51

Many women who end up incarcerated have faced a history of trauma, abuse, and limited access to education and economic opportunities. A significant proportion have struggled with substance abuse or mental health issues, often stemming from untreated trauma. Addressing these underlying issues and providing comprehensive support systems is crucial in breaking the pathway to female incarceration and today's guest knows firsthand about these issues. Sonya McDonald grew up in a violent home where she endured several types of abuse. She started experimenting with drugs and alcohol at age 13, and by age 19 was in a full-blown addiction. By 23, she was convicted of a felony and by the time she was in her late thirties, she was homeless and she felt completely hopeless. She desperately needed to address the many underlying issues that were the result of many traumatic events that occurred, but she didn't know how or where to start. Then she was accepted into Family Children's Services' Women in Recovery program in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Women in Recovery, also known as WIR, is an intensive outpatient alternative to incarceration for eligible women facing long-term prison sentences for drug related offenses. WIR uses as a whole person approach to address the multiple needs of a woman by developing a pathway of opportunity with comprehensive services and removing barriers, ultimately avoiding incarceration. By working with the criminal justice system and utilizing evidence-based curriculums, women conquer their addiction, recover from trauma, address mental illness, and acquire the essential economic, emotional, and social tools to build successful and productive lives. Sonya graduated from Women in Recovery in 2015, and she currently works as a program coordinator at Tulsa Lawyers for Children. She's one of the most inspirational women I know. I met Sonya in 2016. Welcome.

Sonya: 2:55

Thank you. It's nice to be here.

Dee: 2:56

So Sonya, I'd love for you to tell about your story, what happened before you were accepted into the Women in Recovery program?

Sonya: 3:06

Well, it was, you know, chaotic. The vicious cycle of addiction continued on and on or off and on for years prior to being accepted into the Women in Recovery Program. As a child, I experienced all types of abuse physical, emotional, sexual that led to me. At an early age or what I feel like is an early age experimenting with alcohol and some drugs, it was much easier to escape from the pain that I had endured. Then look at it or deal with it or try to understand it again. You know, I'm, I'm still a child or a teenager at this time, so, in the home there was a lot of violence and domestic violence primarily. My parents did not physically abuse my brother and I, but we saw it on a daily basis and it was horrific. It was also confusing because our parents were very loving to us. And my dad, it was very evident how much he loved us. But it was like living with a walking time bomb. We never knew when he was going to explode. And, you know, we never understood the reasons and it was, it was frightening as a kid. So, again, those types of experiences as a child and teenager, young teenager led to me experimenting with drugs, alcohol, as I mentioned. And by age 19 I was in full-blown addiction. And with that came being involved in, in, drug activity or at least Seeming to always fall into or choose an unhealthy partner that I was in a relationship with and we got in trouble and for drug related charges. And that led to me eventually being incarcerated. And I served three years in the Oklahoma Department of Corrections. While I was in prison, I, I didn't get any help for the many underlying issues that I had. I didn't receive any treatment, any rehabilitation. It was actually more traumatizing. So I had that to deal with upon my release and that whole experience led to so many barriers upon my release that it was almost impossible for me to succeed or be successful because none of the issues that I had the disorders that I, I now know that. I developed because of the trauma and more trauma and domestic violence I couldn't heal. I wanted to be better. I wanted to be successful. I had goals, I had dreams and hopes. I had two small children that I loved with every bit of my heart and soul that I wanted to be a good parent, a present parent, a healthy parent for but it was just, again, those barriers. It was so difficult to secure employment once I had a felony on my record. It was difficult to secure housing or housing in a safe neighborhood. I would seek treatment often because, I don't think that I ever woke up and said, you know, Hey, I want to be an addict today. You know, I want to make horrible, unhealthy decisions today. The things I did, I didn't understand why I did them, and I desperately wanted help most of my life. Just didn't know how, didn't know where to start and when. I did find the very few resources that were available to me at that time in terms of treatment or therapy, I couldn't afford it. And without health insurance, you just, it wasn't available. It was, it was nearly impossible. That was very discouraging and it made me very angry and, you know, that, that anger fed my addiction because I didn't know what to do with it. And just cover it up, you know, escape from it. And that, led to a life of, of pain and suffering and hurt, and as much as I would've liked to believe that I was being a fairly good parent, mother to my children, I wasn't because I was neglecting them, at least emotionally. And the realization of that, once I started to see, or at least I, in their behaviors, I might know that, you know, I could possibly be responsible for this. The impact of my unhealthy relationships and my children witnessing me being beaten and, you know my children and I running down the street trying to get away from a man who was chasing us down in a vehicle and, and shooting a, a gun at us that impacted their lives terribly, and so then I'm carrying so much guilt and shame, and so nothing ever seems to be resolved. Nothing ever seems to get better, no matter how hard I try at this point in time, because there just is such a great need for so many things, kind of like wraparound services, if you will that an individual like me desperately needs to get better. Because, you know, and sadly society wants to look at individuals like myself who, who have been incarcerated, who, who have been in and out of jail as bad people, you know? And that's, that hurts.

Dee: 9:16

I want to go back to the early years of your addiction and the cycle of that. Yes. I mean, your parents were they aware that you were experimenting or using, or any of those types of things early on? I'm sure you were numbing your own experience. Right?

Sonya: 9:32

Absolutely always numbing the pain. They became aware when I was about 16 years old because I tried to hide it because interestingly enough, my dad, who was an addict they, they were strict with my brother and I. So I would've, been disciplined or I didn't want to get in trouble. And You just didn't talk about things. And I think that's very common in a lot of families. That you don't talk about things in these, family secrets, if you will. So My mother was kind of always the, the pillar, the the one who was felt safe in nurturing. And my dad as well, as I mentioned, it was so confusing because he was very loving as a father to us and we had great childhood experiences and vacations in the midst of all of the, chaos and the violence and the screaming and the criminal activity and the drug trafficking and all of those things that my brother and I were exposed to. So. It was just never anything stable. And we all need stability. So, it was living in fear constantly and constantly being angry because, so often we are what we learn. And it was modeled to me that, that anger, that yelling, and I, I be, I became a lot of that. So it just, it just wasn't anything that any child or person should have to live with, but most importantly, Once we are aware, as I became as a young adult and decided, you know, this isn't what I want to do, this isn't the path I want to take, there should be help out there. For us.

Dee: 11:26

How did you finally get the help you needed?

Sonya: 11:28

Many different treatment facilities. 30 day, 90 day, 60 day six months. Other specialty courts and programs that temporarily seemed to help fix the problems or helped me to address the issues. Being diagnosed incorrectly and medicated on medication I didn't need did not help because that, definitely made me unstable and, sometimes erratic and depressed. So navigating through that and figuring that out was, wasn't a great experience at all. And frustrating and confusing. It took many trips in and out of jail. It took many times that I would have sometimes multiple years in. I won't call it recovery, I'll call it abstinence, because it wasn't until I was in a vehicle with my children, my daughter, who was a young mother at this time. A teenage mother, my granddaughter and my young son. And we were in the vehicle at a gas pump because I was about at a gas and we were living from hotel. The hotel. I was basically in complete survival mode. The only thing I did was think about where and how, where we were going to stay, how I was going to get that meaning maybe sometimes the money for the hotel in a place it was at least somewhat safe or what, you know, to me was safe, which was difficult. And I. Needed diapers for my granddaughter and I needed to feed my children. And so I went into the store and I stole items that my children needed. A lot of'em, clothes, food, diapers, all of it, and some things to return for a gas card so I could get us out of there. And, Figure out where we were going to stay for the night that I was caught shoplifting. And after that things did not just magically get better. I didn't, you know, the light bulb didn't go off and I. Certainly didn't stop those behaviors. And, and again, operating in that sort of survival mode because I didn't have a job and it was difficult. When I did seek employment and I was hired on, it was very difficult. And addiction to maintain that you know, to, to even make a commitment that I could keep some days. So that was a feeling of complete helplessness hopelessness because it just didn't seem like it was going to change or that there was any help from me. After all these years and. I would often cry and scream out, you know just help me. I want help. Just show me the way I'll, I'll do the work. And the main reason for that at that point in my life was again, as I mentioned, my teenage daughter was a young mother, and I had recently learned that she was in addiction. At least she was experimenting with drugs herself, and it wouldn't be long before she was in full-blown addiction. And that is exactly what happened. And that was a, a pain, a level of pain that I had never experienced before. And I didn't think that there could possibly be anything worse other than. Death of a child, then the realization that my daughter was going down this same destructive path as myself, and that was sort of the turning point inside of me. That made, led to, after getting arrested, probably three or four more times for shoplifting, pretty much the same scene scenario. That led me to. You know, beg and plead with my attorney who was representing me on these, these well they weren't misdemeanors at the time, but they are now, thankfully. I had known a couple of women who were successful graduates of this Women in Recovery program, so I had a little bit of knowledge about the program, and I was blown away. By the way these women looked and how wonderful they were doing and they were just thriving. And I wanted that. I wanted that. And I, was a believer even early on that it worked because these were women I had known in addiction for several years that I never thought would be where they were, so I wanted, That and I begged my attorney to apply for Women in Recovery. And that's how that process got started. So it was. Then that I realized there is possibly some hope. I had lost many homes, vehicles, jobs along the way, being in and out of jail because of. Fines and costs. I couldn't afford to pay my fines. I would choose to pay rent and provide for my children myself before I paid those fines. It just, it was a no brainer. I, that was the way it was. So you were in fight and flight for most of your life. Absolute. And now you're in this women and recovery program, which is a very structured program and it's also most successful for women who are ready to get better. Early on, was that difficult for you to shift your life in that way? The difference with me and a lot of maybe younger women who enter the program. I was a little bit more mature in terms of age and also as I mentioned, I was ready. I wanted, I wanted change. I wanted help, and most importantly, I wanted to help my children. I wanted to stop that vicious cycle. Of addiction and I was willing to do whatever it took. So, I entered the program ready and willing. The program is very structured and interestingly enough, that is key. That has been key and it is key today in my success. Absolutely. 100% accountability. Actually owning things, looking at them and having that accountability, that was, that was tough because again, in that survival mode, in that kind of fight or flight, Mode so often for such long periods of time in my life, I didn't really know how to always tell the truth. Were you in your addiction still when you entered Women in Recovery? I wasn't, only because I was in jail for so long. Not the place the best place to, you know get off the drugs and, it just, It's not ideal, but I had that time. So again, there are a lot of women who were, you know, pretty much fresh. Right. So you had, you were able to really concentrate on the trauma issues. I was, and you know, I was aware of those because over the years I sought counseling when I could afford it and when it was available. So I focused on, what was causing. Me to, have these risky behaviors to make these impulsive decisions and to, choose a partner that was not healthy and quite dangerous in some instances. So, yeah. It was really interesting to me that I didn't lose my sort of soft skills, if you will. And, and this is kind of touching on the employment piece of the program which, Is so important because we have to be job ready. It's required, in the program, requires you to have a job. Not at first, because none of us are ready for that. We need to focus on healing. We need to, to focus on a lot of things before we get to that phase there are different phases, so That, that piece of becoming confident and comfortable in my skin because of mock interviews and practicing and the wonderful employment specialist that women in Recovery has currently and has had in the past is, is so important. It was also. The, the case management piece of it. I had a lot of health issues and dental issues. I didn't feel good about myself and I wasn't confident. And all of those things were addressed pretty much early on in the first phase. So I, I learned to smile again on the outside, maybe before I was smiling on the inside, but it wasn't long that they matched. Because this program is intense. It is hard. It is painful and it feels quite ridiculous at times. But you know, of course I know today that, that there was a reason for that and it, and it worked. Trust the process. Your tears are welcome here. And you know, there's a lot of women who don't get along with other women kind of out in that drug world, if you will, or in that lifestyle of addiction and criminal activity. Women aren't usually nice to each other. There's no trust, there's no real friendships. There's. Just really animosity and jealousy and it's kind of a dog eat dog world. So, so many women have trust issues and I had my own, but again I was just ready and willing.

Dee: 22:15

So employment, as you'd mentioned before, along with housing and all of the things that you need to continue and function in society. I mean, you have a great job right now. I'd love to hear kind of your pathway into your current role.

Sonya: 22:28

Well, you know, I'm going to share just a little piece of a story. So in the early phases when you get your privileges, In the Women in Recovery program, you have to earn that. And a judge has to approve the whole team. Women in Recovery, staff court services, a judge. When you get your privileges, there's a little bit more freedom involved. And one of the important things is that we can go to outside meetings, recovery meetings, 12 step meetings. And some close friends of mine and roommates at the time were walking to one of our first meetings and I just started speaking into existence that I'm going to have a career and it's going to happen within this program. It's going to happen while I'm here because opportunities are endless. And these were kind of affirmations'cause that's part of what we do. We learn how to do that. It feels really weird at first. Now I can't go a day without it. Write it on my mirror even if I have to. But it was something that I was. Intentionally preparing myself for, I, I went above and beyond in trying to learn, or maybe any opportunity that became available that I heard of within the program, whether that was a speaking engagement or extra volunteer work. I just, you know, I, I was raising my hand, let me, I want to pick me. And so it was two weeks before I graduated the program, so 2015 that I interviewed for an administrative assistant position, and I believe I was handpicked. And I feel really proud of that, but also very fortunate, very grateful. And I went, I think I was one of three that interviewed for the position at Tulsa Lawyers for Children. We represent abused and neglected children in Tulsa County. And I just thought to myself, I've always wanted to be a lawyer, but I'm not going to law school at this point in my life. So this was probably one of the closest. Positions or, opportunities I might have. So that, that happened. And so I started off part-time. I graduated the program and I've been there over eight years now and my title is Program Coordinator because I wear many hats. I, I do many things. I'm also considered a legal assistant because I do all of that as well. So paralegal, I do everything a paralegal does. It has been the greatest and it's not just a job I have a career. And that, that, Alone in itself is, is profound. It is. It's a dream come true and that position has helped shape me into the woman I am today. It is so important to have. An employer or a company or a business or organization that that believes in second chances. Because we do heal, the brain can heal. We deserve second chances. And if we put in the work and we've done it, We deserve that spot just like anybody else.

Dee: 25:45

Which kind of wraps us back to this stigma piece of judgment based upon your past. Judgment based upon, oh, you were on drugs. Oh, judgment based upon, oh, you were incarcerated, labels and those types of things. And you've come so far and I know when I first met you, I was just, So drawn to your energy, your gratitude. I mean, you are just this incredible person that I, it never even occurred to me that you probably have had those labels thrown at you your whole life. And how do you, how do you even address that in society? How do you do that?

Sonya: 26:23

You know, I, I didn't for so long and, and, you know, carrying that sort of shame and humiliation. I mean, I was, I felt humiliated. If I was approached in a way that felt you know, attacking or judging or, again, there's a stigma attached to it. I felt like mistreated and, and, and just really, really kind of, well, I was devastated. In most instances. And that's because I never wanted anyone to see me that way. That wasn't who I was or, and it's not who I am, that was a result of substance abuse disorder that was caused by so much trauma from the time I was two until near, oh, 10 years ago. So it felt horrible. And, and it just makes you not want to face it. So again, it sets you back. It's back in that cycle of shame and guilt and, and sort of just feeling not not good enough. And it hurts, it, it really does hurt because people can be so cruel. Society can be so cruel and, you know, it's really, it's really their loss because we're talented, we're articulate, we're intelligent. We're probably going to work harder because we have something to prove really, not to society or them, but to ourselves. You know, like, I can do this. And we do feel like, We want to prove ourselves.

Dee: 28:09

I know that Mimi Tarrash who runs the program over there was talking about the employment partners that Women in Recovery has, And I would say all of them have said that the Women in Recovery graduates that are hired are the best employees.

Sonya: 28:25

Well, we sort of learn that work ethic in the program. Yeah. There's lots of, program expectations that kind of help develop that, or, teach that if you. I don't know how to do that. So yes it is part of the program and, we are just ready to go and willing because yeah, we, we want to be seen as equal.

Dee: 28:47

Well, you are doing so many wonderful things, not only for abused children in Tulsa, but for your yourself and your family. And I know you've had struggles on and off. Do you want to speak to the dual generational aspect of all of this?

Sonya: 29:00

Yes. Yes. I think it's, I think it's so important because it's reality that's what was in my family, you know, it was my grandparents and uncles and aunts, all of them had been affected. Breaking cycles is difficult. Most people don't know any better. Honestly. They've never been modeled and no one modeled anything different to them. And a lot of the times those families are living in communities where it's more common than other communities, and it almost seems like that's the way of life. And the young people may not even see anything wrong with it, and it makes it so easy for this cycle of abuse and addiction and in and out of jails and institutions to just keep going, and the whole poverty aspect of it all. Thinking that's the norm and that there's just not anything better or no way for them to get out As I felt trapped, you know, I felt so trapped. Like, I'm not supposed to be here. Like I don't want this, I want better for myself. I want better for my children. I want out. But it feels like there's no way out sometimes. The truth of it is my choices and my addiction impacted my children. And there's sometimes no stopping that cycle unless you're actively doing something about it. And in order to do that, you need support. There's got to be resources and services available, or it is the inevitable. Yeah, this is a forever thing. It doesn't stop, you don't graduate the program and you're cured. There is no cure. There's always work to do. And, and, and yes, as we go on longer in recovery and, and sort of filling those voids or replacing those unhealthy habits with healthy things the risk, you know, it's, it's less and less. The possibility of, of relapse or making an an unhealthy choice becomes less and less. It's retraining the brain and it's a new way of life. And as you grow in recovery and on that journey of healing that spills over into your children and your grandchildren, and even distant family members. I've noticed with myself that, just watching me on my journey some of my family members, it, it gave them the motivation or the, the hope that there was also hope for them as well. So it's that ripple effect, but there's always work to do, and I think that someone who's experienced trauma it is vital. It is vital for their life to maintain connected to really, embed themselves within a community or that tribe of support, as I like to call it. I think we kind of, developed that at WIR at least I did. If you don't do that, if you don't stay connected and you sort of have this idea that I'm all better and I don't want to do this, or you maybe want to withhold working on something or disclosing or sharing with your therapist a traumatic event that happened, or something along those lines, it's going to keep you sick and it may not come back and haunt you, but it will come back with a vengeance.

Dee: 32:29

The continuing care program is wonderful.

Sonya: 32:31

I mean, it's the hugest gift in the world to me. It is the the best gift I could have ever received.

Dee: 32:36

And it is about continuing the work. And I know it's hard'because life is difficult.

Sonya: 32:42

And it's busy

Dee: 32:43

And busy and things get thrown in your way and in your pathway. Mm-hmm. And, and, continuing care is is a giant beacon, I believe, for those that want to continue to do that work. Mm-hmm. And need that support and as you said, the tribe of women. What gives you hope at the end of the day?

Sonya: 33:02

What gives me hope is that, in the last five years, I would say especially, we've really moved the needle on awareness and educating our state communities, people about, what this really looks like and, and why people use drugs and why they make terrible decisions that lead them to wind up in the criminal justice system. It's really talking about things, having conversations. It's really also, some of the heroes like Chris Steele and Mimi Tarrasch, and Colleen McCarthy and just, I could name so many wonderful criminal justice reform advocates that are also advocates of, of people who suffer from mental health issues. What gives me hope is that, again, people are talking about it, and when you talk about things they lose their power, if you talk about things that are negative, they lose their power. Let's get it out there. You know, let's, let's help others be able to find their voice to talk about the things that have kept them sick, or let's, open these doors and provide resources. Let's address these issues on the front end before people get to jails and institutions and spend, decades incarcerated; unnecessary, when we could be, Treatment over punishment it. That gives me hope because I'm seeing that now. Like, it, it's unbelievable because I've been doing this a long time. Yeah. I've, you know, was in my addiction off and on 20 years. So it gives me hope. To know that there's so much work behind the scenes going on behind the scenes by many, many people. There are so many advocates now in these, these, these young people that are just, gung-ho about using their voice and, and advocating for those who, who don't have one or that can't, fight for themselves. So that gives me so much hope. The awareness efforts. You see billboards all the time about now, you know, mental health and stuff. Substance abuse disorder. When it used to just be, you know, you're a druggie and you're a bad person, you're a criminal, you're no good. That stigma is going away and we're moving into let's, let's find a way to help our people. Let's build stronger communities by providing resources. So, it's a lot that gives me hope because 10 years ago you didn't see much of that. And, and it's great.

Dee: 35:33

Thank you for lending your voice to that narrative that is continuing to grow and thank you so much for joining us today.

Sonya: 35:41

Well, thank you. It was, it was an honor and a pleasure to be here. And, I want to lead by example and make a path for those that come behind me.

Dee: 35:51

If you found value in what you heard today, there are a few ways you can support and stay connected to us. First, be sure to hit that subscribe button wherever you're listening. Subscribing ensures you never miss an episode, and it's absolutely free. It also helps us continue bringing you quality content. Consider leaving us a review. Your reviews not only make our day, but they also help others discover the podcast and join our community. Share this episode with your friends, family, and anyone who might find it interesting. Word of mouth is a powerful way to grow our podcast family, and we truly appreciate your support. We're always eager to hear your thoughts, ideas, and suggestions for future episodes. Visit okstateofmind. com for all of our episodes, and you can also email us at communications@fcsok.org with any episode ideas or questions. We'd love to connect with you and thank you once again for accompanying us on this journey. Until next time.