E3: Submissive Tops & Dominant Bottoms

Have you ever heard about a "dominant bottom" & "submissive top"? Probably not! I've often met people who do not understand that although these seem like complete contradictions and that I must've meant something else, but in this episode I explain the differences and definitions. Maybe you finally found a label that you've been looking for? 

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Transcript

 Welcome back to Kinking Out Loud with me, Gothicc Hel.  Today, I'm gonna talk about dominant bottoms and submissive tops. This is a topic I've been wanting to talk about for a really long time, because it's a passionate opinion of mine and something that seems to confuse a lot of people.  The words dominant bottom and submissive top seems to be direct contradictions.

Seeing as top and dominant means you are the one on top, and is usually in charge of the scene. And submissive and bottom means you are the one at the bottom, the one who's usually at the receiving end.  These terms are used interchangeably, and you may just assume I meant to say switch, which is a person who isn't always dominant or submissive, but switches between the two. 

But no, that's not what I meant. I myself am what I call a dominant bottom.  However, I don't submit even when I'm the one who's in the typical submissive position.  I don't take orders. I don't give up control, and I don't submit to my partner's commands and wants.  While I do like using a gag, being paddled, being tied up, and many other things you'd think only a sub would like. 

And whenever I tell people I like being a bottom, they always assume I mean I'm a switch or a sub, but that's not accurate. A sub enjoys being told what to do, they enjoy being ordered around, told to obey, and many subs really only want to please their dominant. This is where the submissive top comes in, or what's called a service top. 

A service top, in contrast, is the one who's topping, taking on the typically dominant role in the scene. But the difference between a switch and a submissive top is that the service top doesn't have any kind of control of the scene. They only do what the dominant has told them to do.  Often, they play by very specific instructions and directions from the dom, and usually do not have any kind of wiggle room. 

They don't really want to be in charge, but are only topping for the sake of pleasing their dominant as an act of servitude.  Personally, I like being topped in the bedroom only.  I view it as my sub pleasing me the way I want, how I want. My sub is always fully aware they have absolutely no control or power, and that they need to pay close attention to how I react to what they're doing, because my pleasure comes first, and their job as a sub is to ensure I'm satisfied after. 

As the power exchange never really changes, and the dominant never actually relinquishes control, the term switch doesn't really apply.  Once the scene is over, I go back to being on the fully dominant side, praising my son for doing a great job at pleasing me.  And it always ends with aftercare.  Hopefully, explaining the difference between these terms has helped you in some way or another.

Maybe you've been kinda confused and haven't really been able to put a word on what you feel you are. Sometimes people feel like they need to put their things in boxes to be able to categorize who they are and what they do. And sometimes... The term switch doesn't really apply, you don't always feel like that's who you are.

A lot of people seem to confuse what it means to be a service top. Maybe they think they're dominant. In reality, many subs usually just want to be the one pleasing. And sometimes that does mean to take on the kind of dominant role, but their ultimate aim is to please. That doesn't mean service topping is only done to please the dominant.

It is okay and perfectly natural to enjoy taking on dominant role. Doesn't mean you think you are a dom, doesn't mean that you are a switch. You can enjoy things that typically are in the dominant category and still not classify yourself as a dominant.  Just like a dominant can enjoy being on the receiving end, without being actually submissive.

I think it's really unfair and dumb that people always seem to classify liking the more submissive things as being an actual sub. Just because I enjoy things that seem to be submissive doesn't mean I am submissive. And I think it's important to know you can enjoy things that aren't typically what you considered dominant.

or submissive without feeling like you have to categorize it as either. There are also many people feeling shame around being submissive in a way. I know I've felt that kind of shame before, thinking that liking submissive things being done to me means I am submissive in some way. Of course it doesn't mean that.

It only means I like what I like and I don't have to make it. A label of any kind, and especially not a label that I don't feel fits me.  Being submissive in and of itself is not shameful at all. The only reason I feel ashamed for liking traditionally submissive things is because I have, in fact, been shamed for it.

I have been told that I have to be submissive for liking those things, and I'm not actually a real dom for liking them. However, this is Inherently untrue. And some people feel like they need to categorize things, even though these categories doesn't actually fit. You are the one who decide what kind of categories you fit into.

And most importantly of all, you don't have to label it, but I feel like these labels are very important for people like me to explain that although I like being on the receiving end, and I like the more, the more submissive side of things in the bedroom, It doesn't mean that I am a sub or a switch. I can enjoy things without being classified as something I don't feel like I resonate with, and so can you. 

And a very important thing regarding these things is that you should never let anyone else define you. You are the only one who knows what you are and who you're like and what you're like. And you don't have to explain yourself to anybody. But sometimes people just want to define you instead of just asking you.

And I hope these definitions may be useful. For people like me who know what they want and also know what they are. And sometimes those labels are confusing. I really hoped I helped shed some light on things. Thank you for listening.