E4: Consent Is Needed Before We Start

In this episode of Kinking Out Loud, I talk about consent! Of course you already know the importance of concent during a BDSM session, but what about before a session even starts? Many people don't even think twice about the importance of consent when you're just getting to know each other. 

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Transcript

 Hello, welcome back to Kinking Out Loud with Gothicc Hel. Today I want to talk briefly about something that is really, really important. Consent.  Consent is the one thing that you always need to make BDSM work, and without it you shouldn't even try doing it.  Everyone knows about having to get consent from subs to do anything.

Always, always get consent from Especially the subs.  But I think one thing that isn't talked about at all.  Something that is really important, consent is needed by both parties. That's something that is often overlooked.  Because, of course, it's important for subs to give consent, since they are the ones who are receiving it, the ones who are on the vulnerable end of things.

But!  It seems to be overlooked heavily that the dominants also need to give their consents to do anything to be in a scene. And especially  before a scene starts even. I have subs coming into my inbox a lot.  And then immediately talk to me like I am a dominant woman.  And I never did consent to this. I never gave my consent to be talked to like this.

Even though you think it's a good thing, it is not.  Uh, you, you need to get my consent to do anything BDSM or kink related. Otherwise, yeah, you're doing something I don't want to do. And. Even if you think you're doing the right thing, even though you think you're doing something respectful, it really isn't. 

There are multiple occasions, not only for doms, but also for subs, where people go into each other's inbox and start doing kink related things right away, without consent. For example, many doms... well, at least some doms, go into inbox of people who are outwardly and openly submissive and start off by saying  bow down to me slave i own you now or some stupid shit like that like call me mistress now i am your goddess like things like that it's not just femdoms it's dominance in general  Thinking that just because it says you're submissive, that means, oh, I am allowed to be dominant towards you, I'm allowed to treat you like a sub.

But the thing is... The thing I don't think people think about, even, is that these submissives are people, too, and these people did not give you consent to do this to them.  So every time you go into someone's inbox, uh, a submissive's inbox, and treat them like that, well, you can't really complain when that same thing happens back then, can you?

And just like submissives get dominants in their inbox, talking to them like that,  Dominants get the same thing from  submissives, and obviously, it's more frowned upon when it's from the dominant to the submissive, because the submissive is apparently in the, you know, the weaker position, the underdog position.

HOWEVER, That doesn't make it okay to do the same thing to dominants. I think it's really fucking rude when subs come to me and call me mistress, or goddess, or whatever, like honorifics in general. It annoys the shit out of me, and it makes me really uncomfortable when submissives speak to me like I am their friend.

Femdom like I am their mistress. I don't know. It's it's just something that I find a pet peeve, really So although a sub might think it's a proper etiquette and like being polite It isn't it doesn't feel polite to me It only feels like you're actually seeing me as a fetish object like a like kink dispenser When you talk to me like that, I didn't consent to you engaging in Kink play and fetish play with me and yet you're doing it.

Don't call me mistress Don't ask me what you want me to tell you to do. It is really fucking rude I don't know you I didn't say it's okay for you to, to project your kinks and fetishes onto me. Yeah, I know I'm a femdom. I know I outwardly express myself as being a dominant woman. But it doesn't mean you can talk to me like that.

It's really, it's, it's just gross. And it's just as gross when doms do the same thing, don't get me wrong, I think it's absolutely disgusting. Especially when doms talk to subs in a derogatory manner. It happens a lot because somehow it seems to be the standard, especially with female dominants  and male submissives.

I can't really count how many times I've seen a fandom call a male submissive a pig, or a maggot, or a worm or penick or something. A complete stranger. A complete stranger being called these things by a dom. It's completely insane. So here's a lesson for both dumps and subs. Don't treat your partner or your soon to be or wanting to be partner like a fetish object right off the bat, because you need consent.

You need to ask them, hey, is it okay if I call you this? Is it okay if I do this for you? Don't assume they want you to do that just because they present themselves in some kind of way, just because someone outwardly presents themselves and says they are submissive. It's not an invitation for a dominant to treat them as such without consent.

Same goes for subs and doms. I am dominant. Many people are dominant. That's not, it's not an invitation for you to talk to me like I'm your dom. And not an invitation for you to talk to me like that at all, without my consent. Ask me first. Ask if it's okay. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. You'll never know until you ask.

And if you do not ask and just assume, I'm going to be pissed.  And most likely I'm just going to either ignore you or tell you to fuck off!  So, consent is important, not only in scenes, but way before a scene even happens to. This is very, very important and something I don't think people think about at all.

Of course, you know you need consent if you're going to fucking beat someone up with a whip, if you're going to punch them, or hit them, or flog them, or spank them, or gag them. You know you need consent for that. But somehow, you don't think it applies to it before that happens. I think that is such a dumb thing that people don't really understand, and it happens to me every single fucking day. 

It happens every day to me. Every single day, some sub, or some person even, just someone who isn't even outwardly submissive,  but still sees me as a kink object, as a, as a femdom, talks to me like I am supposed to be their dominant. And it's really, really dehumanizing and gross and I fucking hate it. Of course, I love being a dom.

I love being a femdom. I love being dominant. I love my subs. I love doing everything like that. I don't like it when people breach consent. I don't like it when people do unconsensual things to me, it is not okay, and I really hope nobody else does that to me or someone else. Subs, dumbs, get consent first.

It is fucking important.  , thank you so much for listening to this very angry rant about consent,  . I hope to  see you again later.  .