E9: Are You Doing D/s Right?

Have people told you that you're not a real Domme if you act a certain way? Have you heard that you're not dominant if you make the first move? Maybe you've been told by a perfect stranger that you way of submitting isn't submissive enough... Well, let's talk about that.

Transcript

 Hello and welcome back to Kinking Out Loud with me, Gothicc Hel.  Today I'd like to talk about a subject that is kind of personal in nature, about being a dom.  You see, many people ask, how can I be a dom?  And many people will tell you all sorts of things. You will often hear About what makes you a real Dom.

This is something I see all the time, all over the internet. Many people preach a lot about what makes you an actual, real Dom. And I'm going to tell you right now.  You have to stop listening to people that say that. They do not know what they're talking about and trying to dictate what is and isn't.

Being a real dom is just absolute bullshit. The only thing that actually makes you a dom is that you are dominant. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous things. on my many years on social medias. For example, it's not dominant to follow subs on social media platforms, which I think is absolute garbage.  Subs are not some kind of lower entity that does not have their own  Humanity. 

They are not, in reality, people who are below you. Like, this is a very misunderstood thing about being a dom that you need to, like, detoxify your mind of right now.  The fact that  subs are submissive and below as dominants  is only a fantasy. It is a consensual fantasy that both parties has to be in on. 

You cannot actually treat the submissive as if he or she is below you unless they've consented to it.  And there is no such thing. As not being dominant because you are communicating with a fellow human. I've heard people say things like, Oh, you should absolutely not contact the sub first. And I think that is the dumbest fucking shit. 

Do you seriously think that you should just sit there, do nothing, and wait for people to come and find you before you actually do something at all?  I am not the type of person who thinks that that is a way to do anything.  And people seem to think that making the first move is somehow... Not dominant. And I don't understand that.

I think making the first move is very dominant. If you go out and you contact someone, especially a sub you have an interest in,  you shouldn't talk to them as if they are your inferior. That is just how it is. You talk to them, first and foremost, as a fellow person, a fellow kinkster, what have you, things like that. 

Find out what kind of things you have in common. Ask them about their day. Approach a submissive if you would like to. I think that is entirely fair. I think it is very, very cool to be the person who makes the first move. I've also heard people say you are not a real dom if you get nude.  If anyone sees you naked, if you sell naked picture, if you have an OnlyFans where you get undressed and have sex with your boyfriend, partner, or sub, ooh, God forbid you have sex with your sub, that means you are somehow Lowering yourself and making yourself less dominant.

And I really don't understand this thought process that somehow being a sexual creature and showing off as a sexual creature is somehow just being lesser, I think, as dominance. And, or women, we should be able to decide what we feel is empowering. And I absolutely think taking your clothes off is empowering as fuck.

Having someone worship your body inch by inch is absolutely empowering.  And a really gross attitude that I seem to have experienced way too much and that I see newer doms or even experienced older doms just perpetuate all the time is the I am better than you because I don't do that. And that is a very toxic, Attitude to have.

I think the most dominant thing you could ever do is to do whatever the fuck you want regardless of what other people think about you. And it's extremely sexy to have consent of the submissives that you approach before you actually treat them like submissives. As long as what you're doing is safe, sane, and consensual.

I say be dominant in any way you want. Don't let people gatekeep what makes you a dominant. I think that is a very shitty thing to do. And the only person who gets to define who you are as a dominant should be yourself. Not anyone else. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Do your thing. But remember to be safe and remember to treat your fellow humans as humans, first and foremost, and everything will be absolutely okay.

However, the same goes for submissives. I really don't like it when dominants or submissives Tell other submissives that their version of being a sub is wrong, or that they're doing submission wrong. It is very toxic, and it's very, very annoying for people like me to have to tell someone that the way you're doing submission, the way you're doing dominance, it's not actually wrong. 

It's just how you do it. That's how you like it. That's what you do to feel submissive or dominant. And that is entirely okay. And you shouldn't have to be told by other people that you're not good enough in the way you're doing things. That your way of doing it is wrong. If acting or behaving in certain ways makes you feel either dominant or submissive or any type way that you enjoy, You should just do it regardless if other people tell you that it's not this or that.

In my honest opinion, there is no wrong way of doing kink as long as it's safe, as long as it's consensual, as long as it doesn't negatively affect anyone else. You do you. I know that's a cliché, but you do you. And if you're a complete newbie to all of this, to, to dominance, to submission, to whatever, the most important thing that you do is to talk to other people in the community, or just find podcasts, such as mine,  and resources are all over the internet, and you can find it very easily.

There are many things in the BDSM community that you can actually do wrong, and you need to be told how to do it correctly, such as shibari, it's roleplay, it's dangerous, and also um, Breathplay, aka choking. Choking is actually a little bit more dangerous than you might believe, but I'm going to talk about that in another episode.

The only thing that you can't do wrong is dominance and submission. Because you're... way of doing it is the right way. Whether dominant or submissive, switched or just kinkster, hold your head up high and tell everyone who's trying to tell you how to do that to fuck off. That is the end of this episode.

Thank you so much for listening to my podcast. Have a nice day.