Speaker 1
00:01
This is a live broadcast of the Crossing Guard tapes coming to you from an undisclosed location. What you are about to hear is true. This is an unauthorized account of Mike Limbo and his time as an agent for a covert organization known as the Guards of the Realm. The Guards had been a shadow society operating underground for more than five decades and, until recently, had remained virtually unknown. When Mike's secret tapes were discovered, they were brought to the attention of government security agencies, where they have received the highest priority. Join us as we bring you the first installment of the Crossing Guard tapes. 

Speaker 2
01:03
It's dark. I can barely make out any shapes, or maybe I can't. It's frustrating because my eyes can't seem to adjust to the light or the dark, whatever. A deep, rumbling sound is pulsating far away. Somewhere. It's a vagina slamming a 10 ton sledgehammer against the walls that'll slab at the bottom of the ocean. Now it's far away. I can feel each and every thud in my body. The sound doesn't go away, though. It builds faster and louder. As the sound becomes clearer and more intense. Soon, it has taken over all my senses and I can't escape it. Pounding, pounding, pounding. The giant is smashing my brains to bits with this god damned hammer. Stop it. That's when it dawns on me that I've been sleeping. 

02:38
I wake up and the light hits me like a freight train right between the eyes. Ah, fuck. I look around the room and I have no fucking clue where I am. How did I get here Disturbing? What the fuck? Lying on a cot in a room that looks an awful lot like a jail cell, complete with bars and a tiny slit window high up on the wall? Everything else the floors, the walls, the ceiling are all concrete. There's a toilet in the middle of the room too. Funny thing is, I didn't even remember getting arrested, but then I noticed the dead silence. There didn't seem to be anyone else around, no signs of life, as quiet as a tomb, not a single solitary squeak or peep or creak, nothing, nada. I called out to see if anyone was out there, but no one answered. Hello, my mouth was parched, drier than a desert. God, I heard to speak, but I did anyway A little louder. 

Speaker 3
04:22
Hello, is anybody there? 

Speaker 2
04:29
My voice must have echoed for about an hour. Sounded like a huge gymnasium, but it felt more like a huge, empty, concrete prison, cold, miserable. Finally, I began screaming at the top of my lungs. 

Speaker 3
04:50
Hey you fuckers, I want my phone call. 

Speaker 2
04:56
Nothing. 

Speaker 3
04:59
That's the law you know. I know my rights. 

Speaker 2
05:04
Everyone gets to make one phone call and I want it now, now. 

05:17
My vocal cords were totally shredded. I couldn't have screamed again if I wanted to. I coughed and a little blood trickled out of my mouth. Eventually, a guard appeared around the corner, followed by a few orderlies dressed in white. One of the orderlies aimed a gun at my thigh and fired something into my leg Not a bullet, but something. I remember giving him the finger and then getting very, very sleepy. I told him where he could shove it and then I took another nap. When I woke up I was in a straight jacket hanging by my feet from the ceiling of my cell. 

07:06
But I think I've gotten ahead of myself. In order to really understand it, to comprehend it, we have to go back to where it all began, january 16th 1987. I really, really like my new job. I know I'll really get into it if I give it a chance. I mean, it's not the most demanding job in the world, but that's exactly what I need right now, especially after all the shit I've been through. Pay isn't exactly great, but if I can find a cheaper apartment I'll still be able to afford to keep my car and, god, I love my car. I would rather die than to lose that car, but I think this job is going to work out just fine. Things are looking up January 23rd 1987. Well, I've been on the job a whole week now and finally feel like I'm settling in a little. It's pretty great. It's giving me some discipline that I've needed in my life for a long, long time. But I like it. 

08:59
I forgot to set my alarm last night. I ended up getting to work a little late. Mr Jakeman, my boss was pretty pissed off. I apologized Four words backwards, sideways, and I promised it would never happen again. But he just wouldn't listen. But you know what he did? He fired me. He told me to drop by tomorrow and pick up my first and last paycheck. He told me to return my stop sign and the Warned Cross invest. What does he think I'm going to do? Steal him. Of course I'll return him. 

10:07
I can't believe I was such an idiot, though it's an honest mistake. It was totally my fault. I just have trouble sleeping, sometimes Lay in bed for hours Trying to force myself to go to sleep. By the time I do finally fall asleep, I can't wake up. That's why I have to remember to set my alarm the night before. So stupid though Damn it, I have no one to blame, but myself, disappointed myself, mr Jakeman, the kids, as if he never has problems sleeping. Give me a friggin' break. Notice that I didn't curse, I said friggin' instead of. You know what I mean Trying to act more professional. These days, swearing can make you seem ordinary and not very educated. The training video emphasizes language and personal grooming as important crossing guard traits, and it's something I'm really working on. Guess there's no reason to go to sleep early tonight, though I would go out and have a drink somewhere if I had any money, but I don't. Maybe I'll just go downtown and walk around See what I can find. Nothing else to do, really. 

Speaker 1
12:27
You have just heard the first chapter of the crossing guard tapes. We are shutting down our transmitter now to prevent the deep state from tracking our signal and, dear listeners, due to the FBI's tireless efforts to recover the tapes, they could be monitoring any mentions of our site. So please rate, review and share this podcast at your own risk. Until next time, coconspirators, stay alive and spread the word. The crossing guard tapes was written and produced by Jim Waters, featuring the voice talents of Tommy Nicolai and Pat Waters, with original music from Pendulum, incorporated Technical support and marketing courtesy of Jaz Garewal.