Life Unmastered
Parenting: From Overconfidence to Reality
We all start our parenting journey filled with overconfidence and a somewhat skewed idea of what raising kids is truly like. Picture this: two soon-to-be parents, armed with endless parenting books and advice from their families, thinking they're ready to ace this new phase of life. Fast forward some years, and the reality of parenting hits like a ton of bricks.
Parenting is not a one-size-fits-all experience. We all have our unique challenges, moments of frustration, and feelings of inadequacy. But it's also an opportunity to grow and learn along with our kids. In this episode, we talk about our leap from overconfident parents-to-be to the true reality of raising kids, and we share our ongoing journey of striving for better parenthood. If you're looking for a realistic picture of parenting, you’ve come to the right place.
Thanks for joining us for your weekly dose of confidently unqualified advice!
Let's keep the conversation going! Connect with us below!
Instagram: www.instagram.com/lifeunmasteredpodcast
Email: lifeunmasteredpodcast@gmail.com
Website: www.lifeunmasteredpodcast.com
We all start our parenting journey filled with overconfidence and a somewhat skewed idea of what raising kids is truly like. Picture this: two soon-to-be parents, armed with endless parenting books and advice from their families, thinking they're ready to ace this new phase of life. Fast forward some years, and the reality of parenting hits like a ton of bricks.
Parenting is not a one-size-fits-all experience. We all have our unique challenges, moments of frustration, and feelings of inadequacy. But it's also an opportunity to grow and learn along with our kids. In this episode, we talk about our leap from overconfident parents-to-be to the true reality of raising kids, and we share our ongoing journey of striving for better parenthood. If you're looking for a realistic picture of parenting, you’ve come to the right place.
Thanks for joining us for your weekly dose of confidently unqualified advice!
Let's keep the conversation going! Connect with us below!
Instagram: www.instagram.com/lifeunmasteredpodcast
Email: lifeunmasteredpodcast@gmail.com
Website: www.lifeunmasteredpodcast.com
This one's gonna be a hard one for me.
Speaker 1:It's gonna be a hard one for me too. I'm almost rethinking it, yeah.
Speaker 3:I mean taking an honest look at your parenting and like knowing people are listening to your flaws as a parent is gonna be interesting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I wish I would want to do this.
Speaker 3:It's too late now. Let's go. I don't know why this is like so surprising to me, but for some reason, my entire life I thought I was gonna be the best at everything.
Speaker 1:Wait, it's surprising to you that you thought you were gonna be the best.
Speaker 3:No, it's surprising to me that I'm not.
Speaker 1:I guess I should say oh, did you just realize that you're not the best?
Speaker 3:I mean, we were getting ready for this episode and I started like looking back and I suddenly remembered how my dad used to tease me all the time for being way too overconfident in my abilities.
Speaker 1:So what are we talking about? You're not the best in what In all things?
Speaker 3:Well, for instance, when I was a kid, I watched the movie the Mighty Ducks and after watching it I was like that's it, I'm gonna be in the NHL. Never skated on ice, never held a hockey stick literally asked my dad to come in the backyard with me and throw stuff at me so I could learn how to be a goalie.
Speaker 1:That's full confident Mike.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So what's surprising is I took that same attitude into parenting. I never refused to hold other people's babies. I avoided contact with little kids because they made me uncomfortable and I thought I was gonna break them. And then we got ready to have a kid and I just thought I'm gonna be the best parent there is.
Speaker 1:I mean, I guess there's nothing wrong with being confident.
Speaker 3:I mean, there's something wrong with not being prepared.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I think that we took steps to be prepared.
Speaker 3:We tried. Do you remember when I told you I was gonna be the best swadler ever?
Speaker 1:I do. And then you picked up the baby and it fell out.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was a doll.
Speaker 1:It was a doll.
Speaker 3:So they didn't let me test on a live baby, which is a good thing, yes, but yeah, that baby fell out.
Speaker 1:Oh, and you had the hardest time with the diapers.
Speaker 3:I did. Yeah, I mean, they move.
Speaker 1:But I still think you, even with all of the mishaps during that baby class, you still left as confident as can be.
Speaker 3:We took like at least a 30-minute class.
Speaker 1:And this is you in a nutshell. It doesn't matter what the top.
Speaker 3:You're like, I got this. So today we're gonna be talking about us as parents and what the parents we are versus the parents that we set out to be originally.
Speaker 1:Right. I remember before I had kids and I think this is fairly common. I think that a lot of people do this. They don't have kids, they're younger and they're out at a restaurant and this baby is throwing a tantrum. They're like, oh, my child will never do that.
Speaker 3:Or I'm never handing my child the iPad or the phone. Yes, yeah, that's a common one.
Speaker 1:And so I think that I had a whole list of things that I would never do as a parent, or that my kids would never do Like I. Just I assumed I'd be birthing perfect children.
Speaker 3:And they do everything we want them to do, all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and more so, that I was just gonna be this like perfect mom who would, you know, in turn, have perfect children, and that's just like proof of you know, maturity and lack of experience, and this goes on and on. But even once I became a mom and we had our first child, I still was like I'm, we're gonna do this right. You know I had all these goals and ambitions for myself as a parent, and Now we're six years into it and it's just clear that I was mistaken.
Speaker 3:Gone off the rails a bit, huh.
Speaker 1:So I mean, when you think, I mean I know you gave us a little About how you thought you're gonna be, but like what are some things that you really thought Parenting would be like for you?
Speaker 1:calm, gentle, understanding things that I'm not yeah, I really thought that I was gonna embrace the whole gentle parenting thing, that I wasn't gonna raise my voice to the kids, that we weren't gonna Spank like. I didn't know how I felt about that. I know biblically God says not to spare the rod, but I still felt weird about doing that to little beings that. I you know birthed.
Speaker 3:Well, he also doesn't say like break them in half.
Speaker 1:So well, of course, that's what I mean. I'm just saying I just I just thought that I would be this Calm patient person and I am I am not that on a normal day All of my family can attest to that but for some reason I thought that these little creatures that Don't listen, that cry and whine constantly and talk back. I was just gonna be like it's okay because I love you. So I, yeah I think that just being experienced now not that we're pros by any means.
Speaker 1:Yeah we're still learning every single day. It's just, I feel like there's like a constant Reminder of like your Hilarious yeah.
Speaker 3:And that's one of the things I'll tell Anybody who will listen like the only like smart thing I think I know about parenting is, if you want to know how selfish you are as a person or have doubts about it, have kids, because there's nothing. I think that was the hardest thing for me was understanding, like Maturing in the fact of my time is no longer my time, like it's now all about, like your family, and whether it's kids or even being married is a huge part of that as well, because we need to interact and we're the ones who are married. We're not married to the kids, so there's all sorts of stuff that come with it, and all of a sudden you're looking around and it's the you, it's time to go to bed and you're like wait, I just, I've just finished taking care of everybody else. What do you mean? I have to go to bed and do it again tomorrow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, you can't even be sick anymore, yeah, basically. Yeah. I'm not the way that you used to be so, but I mean there's been a lot of things that have changed since we've had kids. I mean the number of kids.
Speaker 3:That's true that we had yeah, we originally planned said grow well, when we we agreed we. It was discussed that we wanted three kids and one of us got cold feet. It too.
Speaker 1:We had so many conversations about this. They were definitely three because I Wanted to start having kids right away. And Michael's like, no, let's take some time, let's be married. And I was like, okay, but If this? Is what we're doing. If this is what we're doing, we're gonna have to have them one after another, so we did that until we got to number two which was on schedule. Yeah, they're 19 months apart. And Then we had Carter and he was like that's it, I'm done. I'm like that was not the plan.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I couldn't keep going. It was a struggle and there were some things that went into that. I mean, obviously, having two very young children at the same time. But also, three months after Carter was born, we moved Two states away to Colorado with all the rest of our family in California. So it was really you and me in In a house in a different state, taking care of two very young kids by ourselves every day yeah, we, we don't have breaks really.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, now that the kids were, they were in school last year. That was as much of a break that we got, but we were both working that whole time that they were there and so, yeah, it's just, I get it, but it's still. There's a part of me that's still really sad about it, and I don't know if it's because I actually want a third kid or if I just that's what we agreed upon, that's what my mind was set on that's what I vision we had yeah and I, so now I feel like there's something missing, and so You've been 100%.
Speaker 1:There's been zero waiver at all. There was one time a few years ago when we thought I was pregnant and you did get Excited, and I think that's because you just didn't want to be, you don't want to have a kid, and then like look. Just like look back and be like, oh, I wasn't excited about you know. And then when we found out that I wasn't pregnant, you were so relieved but I was like kind of bummed. I'm like, can we try? And you're like, I'm not that like.
Speaker 3:Bummed out about it.
Speaker 1:But that was like. I was like oh, I think I've got an opening here and I was wrong.
Speaker 3:Well, I mean, if we were really gonna look at it and say, where did our bad parenting habits come from? Where do you think that was? Or like, where did we start to become the parents who we are not necessarily the parents we set out to be?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was gonna say I wouldn't necessarily say we're, I wouldn't say we're bad parents.
Speaker 3:No sorry.
Speaker 1:I just think that we're Very different from what we envisioned and I would say it's like what you said the very first thing Would be having a second child. Yeah. Jace was so easy.
Speaker 3:He spoiled us.
Speaker 1:He was. He's the reason why parents have kids again yeah and so quickly. I mean, he was so good. I mean, the newborn phase as it is is just so easy. They don't move, they don't talk back, their poop is contained in this little diaper and not on the floor. Yes, and so you know it's just easier. Like anybody who says that the newborn phase, they can't wait to get out of it, I'm like y'all crazy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, the sleep you get over, because you think, like once they're out of the newborn stage, that you're actually gonna Be able to sleep, but in reality you don't. They just come to you now, like instead of like them crying from the next room away, they're just crying at the bedside now right.
Speaker 1:So, and then, on top of all of that, jace was also like so happy all the time. He loved being in the car, he was easily entertained, we could take him to restaurants and For the most part, he would just hang out with anybody who wanted to carry him. And so we're like yeah, let's do this again.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he tricked us into thinking we could handle too.
Speaker 1:So I think we actually talked before about how we found out that we had been Carter. We don't need those gruesome details but I think that that was the hardest part in his first year that we experienced.
Speaker 1:Was like him being sick the first time. So I think that once we had Carter, we I don't, I just think that we instantly there was this sudden shift in our parenting, because now we had these two lives that we had to take care of and they both were so young and they both still needed so much, yeah, all the time and with Jace it was a lot easier because like we were Double-teaming him, like there was two of us on one, so it was easier.
Speaker 3:And as soon as Carter came we switched to man-to-man. And that was probably one of our first real parenting mistakes is Because she was breastfeeding. The majority of needs you met with Carter and the majority, and to counteract that, the majority of Jace's needs I took care of. So we kind of like Switched to man-to-man and I don't think we ever really like switched back.
Speaker 1:No, we didn't. I mean, they're Four and six now and we still. You give Jace his bath every night and I give Carter. You put Jace to bed. I put Carter to bed. You know when we're getting their meals ready, when we buckle them in the car, everything is. You know. You're Jace, I'm Carter, and I think part of that is because it's easy to just kind of Know what to expect when we're getting out of the car.
Speaker 1:There's no like which kid are you getting like? When you know we know we're not forgetting a kid in the car or whatever. We know that both kids are always taken care of. Because we kind of have our roles, I Feel like sometimes I'm missing out on certain things because of that Probably you more so than me, because I'm home with the kids all day and so I naturally have that interaction with them all the time, but when I tried to put Jace to bed he doesn't care, he's happy to have me put- him to bed.
Speaker 3:It doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:But Carter's like no dad.
Speaker 3:Well, and she says that when she knows you're home, but when you're not home, she's all about dad.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, she doesn't really have a choice then. But, if she has to choose.
Speaker 3:She chooses you.
Speaker 1:And she's like I think she's very much like you too she's cannot handle.
Speaker 3:It's the schedule, the schedule or the routine being out of sorts.
Speaker 1:So that's something that I regret doing, although I felt like it was necessary for us in that phase. I wish we would have kind of broken away from that. When sooner? Because now we're kind of just setting it and I think that that makes things difficult, because there's times where Carter only wants me and she like well, you know, have a fit about it, jace is, he's still easy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it doesn't matter. So he's like whatever who's here to give me attention, Exactly.
Speaker 1:But I also think that you had mentioned me nursing, you know, with Jace. With him being on formula, you were able to help. With the feedings, with the feedings you were able to get up with him in the middle of the night and I think that that helps with the bonding process.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it definitely did.
Speaker 1:And with Carter I was. You know, they eat every two hours when they're little.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and that threw me off too, because there is a difference with formula. It wasn't that often I didn't think I thought it like lasted a little bit longer, or I'm just I was more impatient.
Speaker 1:In the, when they're little, in the beginning, in the newborn phase. It's the same, Like the eat every two to three hours, but I do think that there's like more of a heaviness to formula and so he didn't, you know, need to eat as often as he got older. Where Carter, she, I feel like she was just nursing constantly or she'd get fussy and she just wanted to nurse.
Speaker 3:I can remember making sure you nursed Carter before we would get in the truck to go to Costco and having to nurse her again by the time we got to Costco.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it was like a 20 minute drive.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I was, oh, and then it's raining and I was upset and our stuff got wet.
Speaker 1:Nothing made you more upset than when we had to sit in the car and I nursed her. You hated it, and so I tried pumping and she refused her the entire time until she was like what? Over a year. I think I stopped nursing when she was 14 months. She, the entire time she refused to take a bottle.
Speaker 3:She wouldn't at all. So it's not like we tried to do the like, the pump and feed and stuff to like get me that bonding and everything. She was just not having it.
Speaker 1:And I think that that really you struggled with bonding with her and I think that was a big part of it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean unintentionally, yes, but looking back on it it's like, oh yeah, I was having a hard time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think you were. I think we actually looked into this before, like I was curious if there was like a male postpartum and there is paternal postpartum. I'm not saying that's what you had, but there are some things that I was like, oh, I wonder, if that is, but we suspect maybe. We do suspect. So there is some evidence.
Speaker 1:With Jace you were just like all about him and I think that there was just some overwhelm of you know adding another child and you were still having to work full time and we lived in a very small space.
Speaker 3:Where everybody was on top of each other all the time. All the time, yeah.
Speaker 1:And so I think that part of that. But like I remember, if I needed to get up I would like try to hand you Carter and you'd be like I'm just put her down and there just wasn't that with Jace, and I know that you've. You've bring that up often about how you regret that and it's, it's a good. I'm sad for you that you have that regret, but it's also one of those things that we can kind of hang on to, because we remember that there really is no getting these days back.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I think that's kind of something that's hard to realize about yourself as a person is it's like the most important job and guess what? Like you're not going to be perfect at it and you're going to make mistakes along the way. I think it's important to not like beat yourself up or completely tear yourself down on them, but of course Also it's it's like not an excuse to like not try right.
Speaker 1:Right, and I think that we can use these instances to make sure that we do better.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, I know I can remember later on, once Carter got older, like bragging to you about like, oh, she said she needed daddy for something.
Speaker 1:And like you still do that, you still do that. There was a major thunderstorm yesterday. We were in the car and it starts hailing and it is loud.
Speaker 3:It was big hail too.
Speaker 1:It was like decent size, and when you're driving it's even louder, because it's just like hitting-.
Speaker 3:Yeah, every window is just screaming.
Speaker 1:And so she's just in the backseat with her hands over her ears screaming I want daddy.
Speaker 3:That's right. She was when her life is in danger. She wanted daddy.
Speaker 1:And so, even now, anytime that she asks for you, you're like she wants daddy, but also too, if she's like daddy, can we go on a walk by ourselves, Just you and me. Your instant thought is what's up?
Speaker 3:Yeah, like you want ice cream. What's going on? She knows how to play the game. Yeah, already.
Speaker 1:But one thing. What is funny, though, is that, even before she was born, you told everybody that she will not be wrapped around your finger.
Speaker 3:No, I will not be wrapped around her finger.
Speaker 1:Thank you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's one of those shana-isms.
Speaker 1:What are they?
Speaker 3:Tried to get directions from her. It's fun, oh gosh.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I think you knew from the beginning, for from the beginning, that that's just not the person that you are.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think a lot of people told us that they did. Being she does melt my heart, though.
Speaker 1:Of course she does. You love her, she's your daughter. But it's not like you know. We've got friends who their daughters can do no wrong. You can't get mad at them, you know, and that's just.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's the way it works. So I feel like the majority of our mistakes are almost Carter related or the things that we regret as far as parents.
Speaker 1:Well, you're not saying that they're her fault.
Speaker 3:No, no, no, no, no. Not her fault, but like I find they're always like if I'm gonna lose my temper, it's generally around Carter or because of Carter.
Speaker 1:Yes, I mean it's both of them, but she definitely yeah.
Speaker 3:She has that.
Speaker 1:She definitely knows how to push those buttons.
Speaker 3:Yeah, well, I mean it's always been hard with her because Jace had the speech delay. And so, for even when he was two or three he wasn't really talking, so there wasn't really like much sass Like if he got upset he could like point at things and let us know what was going on, but there wasn't as much back talk or disobedience, whereas with Carter it was harder because she seemed so advanced at that same age and so I almost found myself like forgetting she's only two.
Speaker 1:Right, that's something I struggle with all the time, like you know, what do you mean? You can't do this. Or you know she's just having a major meltdown over literally nothing and I'll be like what's wrong? She's like I don't know. Yeah. And it's like, oh yeah, cause you're four and you've got all these emotions and you have no idea how to sort them out or what you're feeling. I'm 35 and half the time I don't know what I'm feeling and the truth comes out.
Speaker 1:Or what I want, and so. But for some reason it's in those moments when you're just frustrated because she's refusing to do something you know she is capable of doing. It's like it's hard to stop and remember oh, she's just four Cause. All I can think about is why are you not doing what I'm telling you to do?
Speaker 3:Yeah, and it can be something as simple as like hey, go grab your water off the table or put your shoes on, we're leaving, and then it's full blown 20 minutes of fighting cause she doesn't like the shoes that she has to put on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's another thing that kills me. I'll be like Carter what shoes do you want to wear? I don't know. You pick for me, so I pick a pair of shoes for her and then, no, I don't want those shoes.
Speaker 3:Magically, she knows which one she wanted and it's not the ones you picked.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she's just. She loves to play these games and I swear she's doing it because she's like I think this one's really gonna get under mom's skin right now.
Speaker 3:She could be. I mean, she's a little girl and she's learning how to play those games.
Speaker 1:So what are you trying to say?
Speaker 3:The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Oh my gosh, I guess I walked into that one didn't I Like, hey, where do you want to eat tonight?
Speaker 1:Oh, I see. Do you really want to get into this right?
Speaker 3:now? Nope, that's not the topic.
Speaker 1:All right, then, so but we will one day yeah. So, anyway, I think that, yes, there's lots of things that are Carter related, but Jayce has his things too, you know, and again, I don't think that the way that we respond to them is their fault. I often say that it is like why are you making me yell at you?
Speaker 3:Yeah, and that's kind of like. This isn't supposed to be a.
Speaker 1:Bash on the kids.
Speaker 3:Yeah, our kids are terrible and they make us not the parents we want to be. It's really we understand that we're the parents and it's our job to act like adults, but I also sympathize with parents who are struggling with that in that moment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that with everything that goes on in a normal day, not just for us but for any family you've got work, you've got the stresses, the finances, you've got you know a hundred other things it can just be difficult to sit in that calm gentle. Remember to be patient, remember to you know, be kind, remember to not raise your voice, remember their age. You've got all these other things going on. You're just responding to what's in front of you and, again, not making excuses for anything, just trying to be realistic in what's happening.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I felt that obviously anger is probably the biggest one for me. I feel like my patience with the kids in like that level of going from low to high on me is broken.
Speaker 1:Your anger gauge is 100% broken.
Speaker 3:Not that I'm screaming all the time or anything like that, but I mean small things tend to set me off significantly more than big things that go wrong.
Speaker 1:So this is something that we've talked about, and it's not just with the kids, it's in all areas of life, something that should be respond to at an 11,. You have it a one.
Speaker 1:It's something that should be a one you take all the way to an 11. And, for example, I was vacuuming the Jace's room the other day and there's this big pile of white stuff like pieces on the floor and I thought that he had shredded some piece of paper. And so I go to vacuum it up and it doesn't vacuum up, it all just pushes against the wall. So I bend down to pick it up. And then I pick it up, I realize I'm holding a large pile of paint chips.
Speaker 3:Massive.
Speaker 1:A huge pile. And I started looking around and he is sitting in his room at night peeling the paint off his wall in our house that we built less than two years ago. And I look at him, I call him in there and I'm like Jace, what happened? And he's like oh, I accidentally peeled the paint off the wall, but I had gotten a little bit of trouble.
Speaker 3:So now he's not only peeling the paint off the wall, but also lying directly to you.
Speaker 1:And I'm like you already got in trouble. Mike totally would have told me if you were peeling paint off the wall. So I call Michael upstairs, I'm like, okay, can you come up here? I'm like, did you know about this? And he's like, literally, I ask him the question. He sees what I'm pointing at and he has to turn around because he starts laughing.
Speaker 3:It was just so good, like, I'm sorry. All I saw in that moment was everything that I did to my parents, and I was just like overwhelmed with it's beginning.
Speaker 1:And our kids are smart kids, so they know exactly what Michael is doing. He's hiding a laugh.
Speaker 3:Just not mature.
Speaker 1:So Jace instantly thinks that this is funny.
Speaker 3:He started smiling.
Speaker 1:Started smiling and he's like oh, I just did an accident, I already got in trouble, and so, like now it's like Mike's trying to recover.
Speaker 3:I'm still trying to recover from this.
Speaker 1:I'm just like, oh my gosh, now I'm mad at Jace and I'm mad at you.
Speaker 3:Oh, he got both of us in trouble. But like I can't help it in those moments, like see, like that is more of the parent I want to be Like I'm glad that I didn't lose my stuff on him in that moment, because when I look at that, it's just something like in, it's just a wall, and like we can repaint the wall, and I'm very much aware of the stuff that I pulled when I was his age and he is adorable.
Speaker 3:Yes and so like. For that I just I couldn't help it, I had to laugh.
Speaker 1:but on the other hand, if he is doing a back flip off the couch.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like a somersault off the couch or something like that. So you don't jump on my couch. Why are we jumping on the couch? Like it does not compare, it doesn't make sense. So how do I get Calm, relaxed, mike, on the couch situation?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think I'm sure part of that is because him Treating our couch like a trampoline is something that happens 45 times a day, every single day, and no matter how many times we tell him, he just doesn't care when. The peeling, the painting is something that is like the one and only time that happened, other than the time that the kids Were literally eating the wall. Yeah, and I don't know what it is with this kid in the wall.
Speaker 3:He literally was taking bites out of his window. Seal him and Carter both yeah, they both just decided to like chew our new house. There's pieces of drywall missing because they were biting it with teeth marks. Yeah, like there's teeth marks, you it's no, like, oh, I hit this with a toy. It's like, yeah, that's your teeth.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't, I have. And also in his room there's a giant like Whole indentation from him slamming his closet door, like his room is destroyed already which I also laughed at.
Speaker 3:Well, maybe that's it, though, because, from what we're talking about here, maybe One of the things that we need to work on the most his parents is consistency, because if, if these things are happening like that's the hardest part, right? But you've mentioned it? As a parent, it's not only just the kids, but you also have work, you have bills, you have finances, you have what are we having for dinner? Is their laundry done? So there's all these other things going on, and it's the hardest thing in the world when you see them doing some results on the couch or whatever to like. Take care of it, right then. And the reality is is if we would Discipline, right then, or take care of it, then, then maybe I wouldn't get to an 11 on the fourth summer salt.
Speaker 1:I feel like for me, that's completely accurate. I am so inconsistent and I know Everybody will tell you that when it comes to parenting, consistency is key. But for me, I feel like I Put my sanity above consistency. And so when I'm home with them all day long, if they're jumping on their on the couch but they're getting along and they're leaving like maybe letting me finish whatever task I'm doing, I Value that over telling him to not jump on the couch.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know that, I know that I probably shouldn't, but I feel like they fight so often these days, especially now that they're home all like right now it's currently summer break their home all the time around, each other, 24-7, and it's like I feel like I'm either breaking up a fight or I'm Telling them to not do something that they already know they're not supposed to do, and so when they're actually just like Content, I'm like okay, whatever, I'll fix the couch a little bit.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and to your defense though, too, when it's winter here in Colorado, you feel bad because it's they're not going outside. When it's 10 degrees, and you know their little kids, and so it. There's only so much room in this house for them to run and jump, and we obviously experimented with All sorts of things to try to give them energy to burn, and it just doesn't compare to being able to run outside.
Speaker 1:It doesn't, and I think too, it's hard To just to feel.
Speaker 3:I feel like I'm constantly yelling at them, if I am consistent and not necessarily like raising my voice, yelling, but I'm constantly you just feel like you're constantly like like a drill sergeant, like, no, like get in line, like and if, if we were to like stand over them and constantly like be correcting him, that's how I feel like it would come across.
Speaker 1:Exactly, and so I don't want to be doing that either. Mm-hmm. And then it's like we've had these conversations so many times. It's like, okay, what? What are we doing wrong? Why am I having to ask them the same thing 15 times in an hour? Why are they not listening to me? Why are they not? Why do they not care what I'm telling them to do? Are they? Are they truly forgetting? Like with Jace, there's sometimes where he'll do something and then he looks at me.
Speaker 1:Like he knows like he knows and but as like he's nervous, like oh, I just realized that I did that and I forgot that it wasn't supposed to do that like out of instinct. He just.
Speaker 1:So, but I know that that's not the case all the time. But like, for example, today, they're sitting and you're on the phone and they're just like chasing each other screaming, and I'm like dad is on the phone, you guys need to be quiet and 10 seconds later they're doing the exact same thing. And 10 seconds later they're doing the exact same thing and we're just like I. I can only put them in so many timeouts. I don't want to be spanking them because they're playing like that doesn't like. I'm trying, I try to.
Speaker 3:We try to reserve that for big things yeah and so I just I'm at a loss sometimes, and then it's like, alright, I give up and then, yeah, you're ready to beat yourself up and Like, walk away from the situation and just that's it. I blew it again today, so, but I mean, part of that, I think, is Just my inability to remember what it was like when I was a kid, because everything you're describing I distinctly remember doing with my brother and actually the reality is being told not to do something Made it more fun to immediately do it afterwards. And, for example, we were taking a trip to Vegas Vegas one year and my brother, me, his girlfriend and my friend were in the backseat of the car.
Speaker 1:How old were you?
Speaker 3:We were older, okay, but my dad had just told us to quiet down and stop rough housing because, even as we were a little bit older, we had picked up Toothpicks from the restaurant that we stopped at and we're secretly stabbing each other with them. So my dad flipped out and told everybody to throw away their toothpicks, which we did, because he was angry, except one of us. There was just silence, and I need to ask? We heard this little and we looked directly in the middle of us was my friend who lifted up the toothpick and proceeded to stab all of us, knowing we couldn't make noise because my dad would lose his crap.
Speaker 1:Oh, I thought it was gonna be you who had the toothpick.
Speaker 3:No it wasn't, but it did make it more fun.
Speaker 1:So I Understand that, because at that older age you know we did the same thing.
Speaker 3:We were little. I see the same. Look in Jace's face.
Speaker 1:I get that, but I also too. There's a huge difference between teenage years and our kids. They're very young right now. Yeah and it's not like well, what am I gonna do? Take away toy? Okay, they've got 50 other ones to play with. You know, I put them in a timeout. As soon as they get out, they're back to whatever they were doing, like there's only so much that you can do or Jace's in timeout and Carter's over there consoling them, because she doesn't think it was warranted.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So it's like in these moments I'm just like I am clearly doing everything wrong and Then I put them to bed and I'm just like man, today Was hard. I hated how much I raised my voice. I Wish I would have done this, that and you know ten other things differently, mm-hmm. And so it's like okay, tomorrow I'm gonna do better. And then like that, if we have a copy and paste day of the day.
Speaker 3:Yeah Well, it's hard. It's hard to be the quote-unquote perfect parent. Like the reality is is we're people too, you know, and people don't do anything perfectly, so why is something as huge and and important as being a parent gonna come across is perfect?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I don't think that I'm striving, I'm not even striving to be perfect. Oh, because that's, that's an impotent, that's impossible. Yeah. I'm just Wanting I don't even know, I'm just like wanting to end a day. I mean, and we do, we have lots of good days.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we're definitely speaking like.
Speaker 1:We're just, we're focusing on those hard days. Yeah. Right, but I do. I wish I had less of those hard days. I wish I had less of the days where, as soon as the kids go to bed, I instantly want to just like go in there and hold them and, like you know, apologize yeah.
Speaker 3:Well, it's also hard because, like there's so much info that we see, whether it's social media or movies or anything like watch Bluey and we'll be like, why can we not be like the parents on Bluey?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it Bluey's hard. Bluey is such a great show and I think that it has inspired lots of parents to be like Better yeah. But I think, too, is something that we needed to remember, is that that's a one it's a show. Two, it's a cartoon show.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they had to draw that reality.
Speaker 1:Right and even then, like in those shows, it shows that the parents have days where they mess up, and it shows that their parents aren't playing these games with their kids all day long. Yeah. And so. But yeah, even something like Bluey can make you feel like an, an, an, an.
Speaker 3:Adequate. Thank you, yep, I got you back.
Speaker 1:Thanks, man, parent. And so you think about social media too. You don't have social media, but I have it and I'm in with Bubbles and Belly laughs. I'm in a, you know, parent space. Mm-hmm. And I get people who message me all the time about like, oh, you're such a good mom, how do you have time to do this? And they just make me out to be this, you know, glorified, perfect parent. And anytime I get a message like that, I always, always go out of my way to be like no, Not me, not me.
Speaker 1:This you should have seen all the pictures that I got where the kids are fighting with each other and I'm, like you know, reprimanding them, or it's just like this is a small, tiny portion of our day and, of course, as they get, as I got older, they played much better. But I think that, even though I'm not setting out on Bubbles and Belly laughs to look like this amazing parent, I'm just sharing an activity that we did. People will create in their mind, whatever it is that they think. You know they, just they could, they only see this little piece of your day.
Speaker 1:And so they're just making their own assumptions and not it's not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but I think that it's. It can be unhealthy if you're just seeing all these moms all day long on social media that are showing you this snippet of their day, cause everyone you've heard this all the time like social media is the highlights. Nobody's out there. Not very many people are out there showing all the awful pieces, and when they do show the bad things, people just attack them for it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like how dare you do that Right.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, it can be a very dangerous thing to compare yourself to. You know everybody else online.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I agree, and I also think, though, that there's a lot to be learned out there. And I think that's important too is being a parent is don't use the fact that you're not gonna be perfect as an excuse to not be perfect, like there's nothing wrong with trying to be a better parent and to learn and grow as a parent.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I think that we have to learn from our mistakes.
Speaker 3:Yeah, otherwise there's gonna keep happening.
Speaker 1:And we have to, you know, do our best to break bad habits and learn better techniques. And, just like with anything else, you have to always be trying to better yourself, or else you kind of just Grow stagnant.
Speaker 3:Exactly. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think that as a parent, you have no other choice, because they are constantly growing and changing and have different needs, and you are just forced into this. You know ever, never ending cycle of figuring things out.
Speaker 3:There's so many things as a parent, and like your parents hopefully will tell you if. But like I can remember people saying, like just wait till the next set of problems, like there's always the next thing right. Like when they're newborns it's always like man, it'll be so much easier when they can walk Wrong, it'll be so much easier when they could talk Double wrong, like it's just, it's the next problem. And guess what? The problems get stickier and grosser and bigger.
Speaker 1:Isn't it funny. We spend those beginning, you know, months like trying to get them to walk and talk and then, all of a sudden, you want them to sit down and shut up. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Like, why are you talking nonstop? Why are you talking nonstop? And it's like you'll have moments where at least I do where it's funny like those are the moments I think I love the most as a being a parent is when, like they just melt you with, like the innocence, like something about telling Carter okay, you have to be quiet because daddy has to focus on this, and her being like, okay, I'll be quiet, daddy. So what does that do? Like in the same breath, like it just and like, okay, so like that's what this does.
Speaker 1:She'll constantly be like Carter, hold on, mommy has to just finish this one thing for work. And she'll be like okay, mommy, look at this trophy that I just won. And then she'll go into this whole backstory and I just like don't have it in me to cut her off. And then, as soon as she like goes, take a breath, like okay, baby, one minute. And she'll be like okay, but then real quick, and it's just like the cycle keeps going. But it's like she's so cute, it's just like yeah.
Speaker 1:But I just feel like I love them to death and I want to be a perfect parent for them. I want them to look back on these years, their childhood, when they reflect. I don't want them to end up in therapy because of anything that I did Like. I don't want them to look back and be sad or have things that they're bringing into their future relationships or whatever. I just don't want to be the cause of any heartache for them now or in the future, and I don't think that we are. I think that we are very hard on ourselves because we love them and we only want the absolute best for them. But I think that when we've talked to our friend we've talked to so many friends who say the exact same things and have the exact same issues as we have and when we're around other people's kids not everybody's kids we've got plenty of friends who have amazing kids, but there's some kids that we've run into at the kids' school and whatever, and I'm like, okay, our kids aren't so bad.
Speaker 3:We are totally ruining them.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:Parents do that, by the way, and if you say you don't, you are lying.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, my kids are better than everybody else's kids. That's just like part of being a parent.
Speaker 3:Everybody believes that.
Speaker 1:So anyway, I think that's just like the we're just we're trying to survive, but we're also trying to just love them the best that we can and we want them to grow up to be strong and independent and loving and kind and all the good things.
Speaker 3:Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1:And so I think that because of that, we're hard on ourselves, and but I think that that's that can be healthy. I don't think that we need to sit in our guilt and, just like you know, hate ourselves, but I think that a healthy bit of guilt is good.
Speaker 3:Yeah, motivates you to do better next time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all right so do you? Feel terrible. Now I do. Do you want to go? Do you want to go hug the kids?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think we should, I think we should, I think we should, I think we should.
Speaker 1:I think we should All right. Well, this was I think. I'm hoping that a lot of people will relate to this. Yeah. But I'm curious to hear from other parents. You guys, we want to know what you guys struggle with, if you guys have any tips or tricks or special techniques or whatever it is that you do to make parenting easier for you, or what are you guys doing to discipline your children when they don't listen to you on the 100th time.
Speaker 3:Because we're running out of holidays, to threaten taking away.
Speaker 1:Santa only comes once a year, yeah.
Speaker 3:I got. I need something else for that in between.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you guys can send us an email at lifeunmasherpodcastcom. You guys can also reach out to us on Instagram at lifeunmasherpodcast. But until then, we'll talk to you guys next week. See you.