128. Love is a battlefield with Mr. Gratitude

Ever found yourself wondering why love seems to be a battlefield rather than a blissful haven? Relationship consultant Brandon, known as Mr. Gratitude, joins me to unravel this mystery, guiding us through the entanglements of dating and relationships. We tackle the complex web spun from unhealed childhood wounds and the deceptive allure of trauma bonding, offering insights into how these factors can lead us to repeat unhealthy relationship patterns. Brandon's expertise sheds light on the essential steps toward healing and the dangers of searching for a partner to fix what's broken within us.

Dive into the heart of what makes or breaks a partnership as we explore the dance of empathy and accountability. Brandon and I dissect how a lack of empathy can doom relationships and discuss ways to foster it through personal growth. As we navigate the conversation, we touch upon the evolving roles of gender in relationships and society at large, delving into the implications for leadership, communication, and the nurturing qualities vital for a compassionate world. This episode is a journey of self-discovery and an invitation to reshape the dynamics of our intimate and social connections.

Wrapping up, we'll share personal anecdotes that highlight the power of autonomy, choice, and compassion in the face of conflicts. I recount a recent lesson in overcoming aggression with calmness and empathy, illustrating the profound impact of our responses to fear and anger. Plus, stay tuned for a sneak peek at my upcoming course, "The Guide to Better Dating," and a heartfelt reminder that reaching out for help, whether in relationships or facing addiction, is a sign of strength, with people like Rick and myself here to support you. Join us for a conversation that promises to enrich your understanding of the ties that bind—and sometimes constrict—the heart.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:11

All right warriors, welcome back to the battlefield of the mind. I'm Rick. I'm here with Mr Gratitude himself. Brandon, Welcome back. If you haven't seen before, he's been on before with us. Relationship coach, relationship expert what do you call yourself these days? Is it evolved or is the same thing still?

Speaker 2: 0:29

You know what? I always go by relationship consultant. That way I'm in the safe zone and it makes people ask questions like what is a relationship consultant? Because everybody knows what a dating coach is, but nobody knows what a relationship consultant is.

Speaker 1: 0:45

What is a?

Speaker 2: 0:45

relationship consultant. Folks navigate through breakups, divorce, dating relationships, how to build better, bigger and stronger. Helping folks recognize red flags Because, as we both know, so many people get in relationships and they don't know what they don't know. They think it's healthy when you and I know it's not healthy.

Speaker 1: 1:08

Yeah, that's a good way to do it. I like to tell people, especially I like what's your, what is your relationship like? Interview process that's what I say how are you interviewing? Because I watch people all the time get into dynamics. We're like all right, looking at your resume here looks like you've cheated on every partner you've been with. You have terrible credit and so you're going to want me to co-sign for everything, destroying my credit. You don't have a car. You have to borrow my car. I'll have to drive you everywhere. Of course, you're definitely going to be abusive, controlling and probably try to isolate me from all of my friends, making it so that I have no support system, so that way, you can just take everything from me and abuse me in every way. Does that sound right?

Speaker 2: 1:52

Happens all the time.

Speaker 1: 1:55

Happ, take everything from me and abuse me in every way. Does that sound right? And then like that's me. Oh don't forget, I'm gonna fuck all your friends. Oh good, call correct um. When can you start?

Speaker 2: 2:02

right and I'm like how did you interview this one?

Speaker 1: 2:05

what interview process did you have? Like, there's red flags all through here and they're like but he had cool hair or his swag was awesome and you're like you. You, you hired this guy off a swag. What are you doing?

Speaker 2: 2:24

You know it is, though, rick, is that that old adage of misery loving company, and people just thrive on the red flags. And then now it's like a trend right, we see it all the time of like, oh my toxic red flags, let's meet up and talk about each other's toxic, toxic red flags. It's like they, they, just they, they love it.

Speaker 1: 2:38

They're calling trauma bonding a dating prereq. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Speaker 2: 2:42

What? Yeah, we're, we're. We're in some interesting dating times, that's for sure.

Speaker 1: 2:48

Oh man, I got a few. I got a few solid ones in here. Um, let's start off with something I know you wanted to bring this up today and let's jump into the one where, like people have unhealthy dynamics because they are dating equal or up to themselves. So an unhealthy person is attracted to unhealthy people having unhealthy relationships, and then when they get damaged from having an unhealthy relationship, they go right to another unhealthy. They jump right to another unhealthy. They jump right like immediately. It's like they're like I'll break up with you right now. I'm already texting a new one. It's like it's been eight seconds.

Speaker 2: 3:21

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 3:22

Talk about this. What are you seeing out here, where people are like just jumping from relationship to relationship?

Speaker 2: 3:27

You know, the number one thing I'm seeing is when people are doing this is stints from inner child wounds, because the things that we mold into as adults, nine times out of 10 are coming from childhood wounds. That could be abandonment issues, that could be somebody that was molested or raped at a very young age, which obviously that's tragic, but a lot of folks don't want to recognize those demons, they refuse to do the work and they want to scapegoat their scars on other people. The way I like to say it, rick, is you are not voluntarily taking love from a spoon, you are taking it from a knife and you are bleeding on people that didn't cut you, and that's what these folks continue to do.

Speaker 1: 4:08

That's an interesting way to say that too, and it also seems like when they're used to something toxic or abusive or harmful, they're attracted to what they know, but then, like you said, you want to attract somebody that's similar to what you understand, but then expect them to be a cure. Yeah, exactly, that's an interesting game. It's like you act just like people who abuse me, but I want you to be the cure.

Speaker 2: 4:35

And it all comes down to psychology and it's I'm going to go back to that almost like that Stockholm syndrome, and they don't know what they don't know and so they think that it's healthy behavior. But the caveat to this and I talk about this a lot is that when the good person comes along, the person that genuinely wants to love them and nurture them and support them, they freak out and they run the other way because they don't want that. They're looking for chaos within the peace, and when they can't find chaos in the peace, they ghost that person, they leave that person because they don't know how to handle healthy relationships.

Speaker 1: 5:12

Or they become the chaos and sabotage a good person to make sense of what it all is yeah, yes, it's a wild ride to watch too.

Speaker 1: 5:20

You watch somebody like this guy's being too good to me. I'm going to abuse the shit out of him because that's what I know. And you're like, oh no, that's hey. Wait, you're going to create a curse for the good one, just like somebody did for you for the good one, just like somebody did for you, I think you're. You're onto something with this. One is jumping from relationship to relationship and we call it childhood wounds, but let's just, I like to call it curses. Like you got, you've been cursed Like there's a, there's a hex on you and then you carry that hex over to other people, a pain or a hurt in you that you don't know how to heal from or let go of. You then give to the next person and give to the next person. It's like emotional STDs. If you will, can't get rid of this shit.

Speaker 2: 6:01

Right, yeah, yeah, you're not wrong and I struggle with you. Know I'm not a psychologist and I never have claimed to be, but I know enough to be dangerous in the psychology world and I think the part that that blows my mind the most is when you have somebody that seeks a third-party professional rather it's a therapist, a counselor, somebody like me. They invest in themselves but then they don't follow the investment and then they come back and say I should have listened to you and I I can and I can't figure out why these folks continue to do that.

Speaker 1: 6:35

I've done the same thing For me. I want to hear your opinion. No, I'll jump in. Go ahead. I want to hear what you found.

Speaker 2: 6:42

Yeah, and I find this recurring pattern that it doesn't matter what I say, what advice I give them, they validate it. They completely say Brandon, you're right, this is great, I'm going to do this. But then it could be going back to an abusive ex, it could be going back to a promiscuous pattern, which you know what. That's fine. I'm a very sexual person too. But if you're going to make a boundary, you are discrediting and devaluing yourself and the less you respect yourself, the less they respect you, and you just keep this revolving door and I mean nothing changes if nothing changes.

Speaker 1: 7:16

That's true and, with that noticing, whenever I've worked with couples, I try to avoid relationship couples if I can. I work far more independently to make sure they break their own curses, have their own accountability, their own authenticity, and then match it together instead of try to work with a codependency. It doesn't work Right. The one thing I'm noticing is every single couple that I've had that's ever had an issue that didn't work is that it seems like good advice but one person generally is not willing to do the work. They say they are, but they don't. And you have one person who's like I did all the things but they didn't do theirs, and they're like well, you're not my boss. And then you have an unwilling partner who just sabotages all the growth and then blames the other person who is growing for making them feel bad because you're doing it, making me feel bad, which makes me not want to do it. So this is all stupid and it's all your fault. And you're like, yeah, wait a second. Without willingness, you don't have relationship.

Speaker 2: 8:16

It's true, it seems to be very common.

Speaker 1: 9:18

One person expects the other person to change so that it's better for them, without evolving or growing with their person.

Speaker 2: 9:21

Well, I'm going to circle back to and I drive this home all of the time about empathy. We are living in a world where so many people lack empathy and no relationship will survive without empathy period. And so if we're going to continue to gaslight our partner, to not validate our partner, that all comes down to empathy. Right, Because we don't have to agree with our partner, but we have to validate the way they're feeling, because everyone's perception is their reality. So if we're making a commitment, if we're going to therapy, whatever that looks like, if we're having healthy confrontation in an argument, you can't tell your partner's needs and concerns that they're minimal, that they're crazy, that it's just this, that it's just that, and that is the number one problem that I see when these situations happen is they lack empathy.

Speaker 1: 10:14

I have two theories. Whenever I work with women, empathy is one of the three things I tell them to work on. But I noticed you can't get to empathy if you don't work on the first two. First, there has to be accountability, second, authenticity, and then you can have empathy. But if you don't understand or like yourself, you can't be empathetic to another person. And if you're not accountable, you are trying to assign accountability to make it so you can alleviate feeling bad about things that you've done by making others feel bad, so you never have to, you know, ever grow or be responsible for, like your element of the relationship. And so the empathy seems like you can't really practice that until they actually know themselves well enough to relate to another person's pain. But if they're constantly wearing a mask, you can't relate to another person's authenticity if you don't have any.

Speaker 2: 11:07

Well, the greatest truth is authenticity. That's where the greatest truth comes from. You know, when we're 100% authentic. That is our truth, and that also goes back to the you know the knife. The knife analogy I use is these folks are continuing to bleed on people that didn't cut them and they're okay with it, and that's why their relationship will fail time after time after time, because they're not being authentic. They're scapegoating others, which leads them to lacking empathy.

Speaker 1: 11:36

And no willingness to do otherwise, which means the relationship is doomed before it started. 100%, Because if you don't want to change and you wait for the other person to heal you for something they weren't a part of, it's going to die. Especially, here's one we had yesterday you saw, when we were live yesterday when people go well, what do you do if you, just you just can't trust people? Did you see what I said? I'm like then you don't date. Right, Exactly, If you can't trust, you can't date. They're like well, how do you make them? They have to earn trust. I'm like no, they don't. No, you either give trust or you don't give trust.

Speaker 2: 12:11

That's it. Yeah, we had a big topic on that and I feel that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Speaker 1: 12:23

I will until you show me I can't trust you. Then a mistake, and they learn for their mistake. Can I trust you again? Right, that's a choice, not like. Well, now, since you messed up, I become the upper hand in the relationship, which now allows me to shame you for your mistakes for years. We don't become a slave to our mistakes. That's correct. And this is where another thing is. People now feel, because you made a mistake in the relationship, I am now the one who can tear you down, because you owe me, because you're the one who made a mistake, which then means you're the unhealthy one. Well, I didn't do the bad thing. It's like you're doing it now. You're just calling it good.

Speaker 2: 13:02

Yeah yeah, relationships aren't tit for tat and manipulation isn't a connection.

Speaker 1: 13:07

No, well said, manipulation is not a connection. Well said, and that's where people are getting it really goofed up. I have a theory. I threw this out the other day. If you want to iron it out with me, sure.

Speaker 1: 13:19

So with the concept of leadership. Generally speaking, if somebody is the leader of anything, it could be a leader of an organization, leader of a community, leader of a group, leader of the team. Leaders very rarely are receiving high empathy because leaders have more accountability and responsibility, and so it's often the leaders can do 10 things right, one thing wrong and they're just, oh you, screwed up. But if everybody else screws up, it's just a learning lesson. Leaders seem to be held to just a higher standard than everyone else, and so if the concept is, men are supposed to be leaders, wouldn't it only make sense that leaders aren't seen as human and so that's why their emotions aren't going to be noticed or validated? Would it make sense? If there's anything in there? Just before I get into today's society stuff, just the concept itself why women aren't showing empathy to men is very common or even, truthfully, it's probably more like the masculine, feminine, like whoever's in the masculine isn't getting the empathy is generally what it is, because right when the role reversal it's the other way.

Speaker 1: 14:27

But just a theory that could. I've got it mapped out, but I want to hear just with that piece where leaders don't get empathy but men are supposed to be the leader of the house, wouldn't it only make sense that empathy is removed from leadership?

Speaker 2: 14:41

you know, there's a couple parts to this rick, and I think part of this we may not agree on and that's. That's perfectly okay, yeah, but I uh, I just did some content on this too. Speaking of what you're talking about and where you and I agree we've talked before is the best leaders lead from behind, right? I think we've talked about that before and I'm I'm a firm believer in that. But I also feel that if a man a firm believer in that, but I also feel that if a man and I want to make sure I'm wording this right too is if a man is not in tune with his healthy masculinity, because we know society likes to call masculinity toxic nowadays, and I don't want to go down that road.

Speaker 2: 15:18

But there is a certain element, and we're not even talking about, you know, a man and woman. We're talking about masculine and feminine energy, because the same dynamic can flow into a gay relationship. I don't want to exclude anybody, right, but if said masculine energy is not allowing the feminine energy to feel safe, that feminine energy has to step into the masculine, and that is another huge problem with a lot of relationships now and why so many men are not getting the empathy that they truly deserve from their feminine partner is because a lot of men are losing touch with how to stay in tune with their healthy masculinity. That's what I'm seeing. I'm seeing women have to take leadership, stepping out of their feminine, and they're having like that shouldn't happen. That shouldn't happen. And they're doing that because a lot of men are not taking the initiative to be the graceful leader that we're trying to speak on.

Speaker 1: 16:13

Okay, so I'm not disagreeing with you yet. So I was waiting to see the part I disagree. Okay, that stuff is happening, that's true, those are happening and I'm with you on those elements. But even still, let's just say the masculine is the leader energy, if it's done correctly. I have seen dynamics where the female does take the the masculine role and the male takes the feminine role and they're able to make it work. I have seen it. It's not common, super rare, but I have at least one couple that like no, they're doing okay and like they've just accepted that role and that's fine. Always anomalies there's an anomaly, it's an anomaly, it's the only so, but in any case it can work. But the amount of empathy for the leader and just leaders in general, seems very low. And that means even like the company president or whatever, the captain of the team if it goes wrong. People aren't like they're having a very human moment, they're like they fucked up, they should be out, we should kick them out, we should vote them out, like there's an immediate punishment. Consequence high accountability for leadership.

Speaker 1: 17:15

Now, with just this piece, I'm just going off of the traditional concept of if the men are supposed to lead, just period, they're supposed to. Well, women today are taught they don't need to follow. They can be independent and don't need to follow anyone. There's truth to follow. They can be independent and don't need to follow anyone. There's truth to that. Well, now, if that's happening and even if guys are leading from behind and going I'll provide, I'll protect, I'll preside and women are taught to not follow. You can do it on your own. You don't need a man. You can do this without him. You can do it better than him. Well, even if he is, I'm being cool as a leader but you're not following. This means he'll still be treated without empathy because he's supposed to have, like the DNA leadership element of male, but a female is not in her feminine, so she's not going to offer any kindness and compassion, empathy or nurture, which means these guys are still held to the standard of leadership without any of the benefits of leading.

Speaker 2: 18:12

Yeah, that was a theory that I was noticing.

Speaker 1: 18:15

I was like where, what's going on here? Because leaders aren't treated like humans I.

Speaker 2: 18:21

I think that this is what I see and this is you have a theory, I have a theory. My theory is, know, the changing of the tides or the changing of the guard. Right, I feel that what is happening is because there was such a stereotype and stigma around men and men, masculinity and misogyny and all this bullshit, right, that now, and for men, it's okay for men to sleep around. But now I think, all of this catching up women and I'm not, I'm not on the side of either, or right now, I'm trying to speak as neutral as I can, but I feel that a lot of women that that suppression, now they're coming back and they're saying you know what? We didn't have a voice, we didn't have this. Why can't we sleep around? And I think that it that that guard is changing and so, with that tide, that energy is I don't need a man, you can't leave me. I'm a strong, independent woman. Fuck men. And that's the tide that we're at right now.

Speaker 1: 19:15

So I already have a theory. I've been talking about this for a couple of years, because the writing seems on the wall. What do you think happens? Where do you think this goes in the next, like 10, 15? Where do you think this goes?

Speaker 2: 19:25

We're going to. I'm talking overall picture. The birth rate is going to continue to drop. The divorce rate, as we stand right now, is at 67% 67%. Okay, that divorce rate is going to go up. Relationship in general are going to go up and we're going to see a society that is very independent, very selfish, very narcissistic, very living alone, doesn't want a partner, sleeps around with whoever they can. Their relationships as we know it essentially will be dead. There will be no more interdependent relationships.

Speaker 1: 19:59

I would probably say for a big part of the hypergamy pyramid, it's going to be just isolation and chaos. And it definitely seems that way. And right now, if I had to say like, with this shift where women are getting power and authority, it doesn't seem like they are powerful and authority with compassion and kindness and empathy and nurture. It seems like they've just become the new authoritarians who want to discipline, punish, hurt, ridicule and it's even women against women. Like it's not like just guys, it's brutal right now.

Speaker 1: 20:31

It is and here's my theory is weak people in power, because weak men in power also do horrible things. Weak people in power do terrible things and when somebody wants to have power but not responsibility, they want to have authority but don't want to have to do the not responsibility. They want to have authority but don't want to have to do the heavy lifting. They want to tell everybody what to do, but I don't want to have to be able to do it myself. No accountability being weak leaders. And if that's the case, it turns into power and not leading. And this is where name tag leaders come in People who are I'm your boss, do what I say instead of I have the best intention for all. Follow me.

Speaker 2: 21:10

We've got away from that.

Speaker 1: 21:11

Right and so well, there's still. There's going to be small groups that still do this, but there will be probably a big majority in this generation. I have three daughters and so they're watching and they're already going like you guys are idiots, because, like they're watching what the ladies are doing now that they're like the first generation of absolutely do whatever you want, are just really doing a tough job, and so even our daughters are like we're not doing that yeah, I got three girls too, yeah that's gonna make you.

Speaker 1: 21:39

Our generation is gonna have a lot of undateable women. Next, the societal element is gonna shift against women and there's gonna be a lot of happy cats Right.

Speaker 2: 21:50

You know, if you I want to get into something as we're talking about this you just kind of triggered me with something is a lot, of, a lot of younger women we're going to talk under 30. Well, I'll even push it to under 35 are under this impression, and we have the explosion of the Instagram model, the explosion of the thirst trap, all of these things, and it's still continuing on. Only fans, right, and that's a whole. That's a whole other thing, cause I can't blame these women for making great money. There's, there's nothing wrong with that, but that's. That's another, another topic.

Speaker 2: 22:23

But a lot of women are getting this precondition that they're you're. I'm sorry to tell you, ladies, and you can, you can try and prove me wrong, but if you want a real man, a man that's going to honor, respect it who you are, that body floss is not going to work. I don't care if the man is 25, 35, 40, it's just not going to work. It's cool to look at as a man, it's great to look at for a minute, but we have no respect for you, absolutely no respect for you, period. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 22:49

Yeah, it's going to be tough because they want the high value males. But high value males aren't shopping in that department.

Speaker 2: 22:57

No, no, they're not.

Speaker 1: 23:00

That's why I have, that's why the thing where it's like, well, we were suppressed and so why can't we sleep around and women.

Speaker 1: 23:07

It's a very different value system that we use for dating, though Men don't use hypergamy like women do, and so we have a very different value system. And so we do value the lower body count versus the higher body count. It's not me being a monster about it because, like I've talked to guys, we're like guys do sleep around more, no question. Not better or worse, there's no question Right, but we do have. There's a reason for it. Women are attracted to guys who attract women. Yeah, that's a real thing. Women compete with women.

Speaker 1: 23:39

If there's the one guy who's like he's so awesome, like there's a competition, they do and they don't care. Loyalty's out the window, they don't care. That's a thing. But us guys it's not always the same way as boys like it's not the same, it's not. No, now there are, remember, bottom level hypergamy. There are scumbags. I didn't say there aren't scumbag dudes. Now there is there's scumbag dudes, don't get me wrong, but that's not the majority. But you've seen best friends like just throw that out the window for, like the basketball captain or something like whatever.

Speaker 2: 24:12

Oh, I've seen family. I've seen family do it.

Speaker 1: 24:14

Jeez Like you know wild.

Speaker 2: 24:17

Well, and another thing I want to make clear too is he touched on the sleeping around part. Here's the thing Like, if you are doing that, it's not that said man may judge you or think you're low value, it's that we don't want to know about it. So don't don't make it apparent Like if you've been with a hundred guys, great, Okay, Like we're. We just don't tell us. Like we don't want you to lie, but at the same time you don't.

Speaker 1: 24:41

you've been with a hundred guys in your town. Though You're going to be brumping into this, she's going to have to jump states and start over. But if you are on OnlyFans or you are a porn star, it's going to be difficult to hide your past and go, like everybody I know can just jerk off to my girl masturbating.

Speaker 2: 24:59

Right. Well, I think the point I'm bringing it up is because I don't want to shame anybody. There's a lot of women who feel shamed if they slept with a lot of men. It's not. It's not about being shamed, because I know psychologically, both men and women. We do find healing in sex and that doesn't make it right. But there's a lot of healing done in sex because we we feel for that moment in time we're loved and we're wanted and we're appreciated, and it's that, that seeking for that, that that loving feeling, that why both men and women are doing this. So I'm not shaming women for sleeping around, I'm shaming you for making it known. That's the difference.

Speaker 1: 25:35

Interesting. So it's like it's better to do things that you should be keeping a secret, but that's not shameful.

Speaker 2: 25:42

Live your truth Right, but that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 25:44

Live your truth.

Speaker 2: 25:44

I'm not telling you. Keep it secret. Keep, but that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 25:46

Live your truth. I'm not telling you, keep it secret. Keep it secret, but it's not shameful.

Speaker 2: 25:50

Well, I'm not telling anybody to be a liar, but what I'm saying is is why? Why make it known? Why make it known? That's your personal private life. If you're happy and it makes you happy and you're not hurting another soul, I don't need to know about it. But if you, if you've doing that and a disease arises or something, well then yeah, you need to. You need to let somebody know if you have herpes or some form of other STD, let them know and make that. Let them have that decision. But to be flossing in and making it seem like you're, dare I say, a slut, like that's that devalues you, like it yeah, that's a whole road we can go down.

Speaker 1: 26:29

Well, it's, it's true, and we don't have to go that road. But let's go into something. I did a training with the ladies yesterday where we got into even what you were just talking about who checks who? Now, guys, guys, because of all the me too phases and all that stuff, the guys have really put a lot of effort in. Let's not be total assholes anymore. Don't hit a girl. The guys like that was men checking men, stop hitting. Well, that's kind of common sense, but you'd think so. But like no, back in the day I mean you take it probably the fifties forward men hitting women was a regular thing for all history.

Speaker 1: 26:57

And so men checking men had men stop hitting women. Women never did a protest, that one, to make men stop hitting them. Men checked men. Yeah, that's where that came from. Now, if you go into who checked women, well, it was always women checking women because we stopped punching them in the face and we stopped slapping them around and we decided you know what, being verbally abusive is probably not the best way to have a good relationship. So we removed our check system and the accountability that we would hold on women. Today's society, guys aren't doing that. We don't have that system anymore. But throughout history, women would be like we're going to check women. And, of course, how do women check women? Reputation, demolition. They would go oh, she's been sleeping around with everybody, watch out for her, she's a pariah, watch out for these things. Like women would do their way to check women and they would do it, you know, socially and now that has gone away too Women are now glorifying bad behavior instead of checking each other. That is so true. Well, who checks women?

Speaker 2: 28:05

now, yeah right, who does, and it's a competition to see who can not be loyal. And I don't get it and thank goodness, like I have a good one, so I don't. I don't worry about those things, but so many men do and they're few and far between and I don't get it Like either you want to commit or you don't, or you want to be in an open relationship, whatever that looks like. But give that person an opportunity and I don't know, man.

Speaker 1: 28:33

Well, it's standards and boundaries at that point. Well, the point where I was getting to this is that, uh, talking to the ladies, I'm like they're like it seems like we have to self-check. Yeah, Like it's the first time I can think of where you're not being checked and you have to now check yourself, which means we're back to accountability, we're back to authenticity, before we even work on empathy, but now it has to be self-work because you, all the support systems that would have kept us in line are now gone. There are no consequences to the bad behavior.

Speaker 2: 29:07

Well, and and and women, they do need to check themselves. Because here's the thing you and I, men, are social circles. We don't have social circles, we don't you, we don't bond through social activities. I mean through social interaction. We bond through activities, and I don't think don't bond through social activities, I mean through social interaction. We bond through activities, and I don't think. I think that's another problem. About going back to, why aren't men getting the empathy they're not understanding that, as a woman, they could go to anybody and have a social circle. You and I, we don't we. I don't reach out to rick and say, hey, rick, like I'm gonna pour all my emotional you know damage on you and just, typically, we don't do that.

Speaker 1: 29:40

And women do? I don't. I don't mind, you can call me man, I got you.

Speaker 2: 29:43

I know I'm saying in general though, men's social circles they're, they're not like women's, that's true, men just don't bond like that.

Speaker 1: 29:51

Well, this is the interesting thing I'm noticing, because the warrior's way mindset is a big community and it's getting stronger and stronger, and I am noticing that some of these guys are finding the most empathy they've ever received is from other guys Because they're going damn, I've been in your shoes before.

Speaker 1: 30:07

I know what that feels like, or I've had that level of rejection or lack of appreciation, or I know what you're feeling, man, you know. And so the guys actually are getting much better at going. Hey, bro, I'm getting my ass kicked here. What are you seeing? Like oh, I'm with you, brother, that sucks. Instead of going like be a man, stop being a bitch cowboy up Like no, they're like bro, that hurts, man, I've been there. What can I do to have your back through this? Guys are actually getting far better at empathy and I think it's going the other direction.

Speaker 2: 30:37

We're able to be strong but we're able to be open and caring about people's feelings.

Speaker 2: 30:43

Yeah, and they are getting better. And, by the way, I've been in on some of those calls and let's step aside from that previous conversation I just want to commend so many of those men when I come on these calls, to just see their willingness, their inner strength to want to be better, to want to change, to listen to other men and not say, hey, fuck you, bud, I'm right, you're wrong. Like I, like kudos to each and every one of you men that attend Rick's calls, like I, I respect the shit out of you and I just I just wanted to tell you that. So, yeah, I appreciate you, bro.

Speaker 1: 31:13

Thank you, yeah, we, we get some pretty cool people to come in too. There's, we have fun calls, and so it's it's a high honor for guys to be able to open up and go. Let me put some stuff on the table and, uh, with the second second rule, and no blame, no shame, no judgment, like do your thing, man, where you're at's where you're at, we don't kick your ass for it. Life's already hard enough yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 31:32

So a bunch of dudes appreciate that, appreciate it, yeah yeah, with this one, I just noticed the checking element of people is getting tough because we are not able to connect anymore. People are going into combat instead of connection and manipulation.

Speaker 2: 31:45

Oh, I love that.

Speaker 1: 31:46

It's very difficult to be able to go like how do I love you or open up to you when we're so busy hurting each other from the hurt we had from before.

Speaker 2: 31:54

You know what Go ahead.

Speaker 1: 31:55

Go ahead. I did a training this morning. That is something. I think that is the only tool guys can use today in a healthy way, and we've talked about this before. But I really think we need to clear this one up for both sides, because there's a couple of really big things that are missing.

Speaker 1: 32:14

So, with the checking thing, we're not hitting girls anymore, at least we're attempting to not do that. Guys are still like we don't hit them anymore. It's not working. Women are hitting guys more than guys are hitting girls these days, which is weird. That's facts. That's facts. Same with cheating, well, which is only because we're just not hitting them. So we stopped hitting and we're like you know what the me too stuff and abusive guys and bad dudes. We're going to try not to be abusive guys, and so more guys are punching bags now than abusers, which is really interesting to watch that number switch to.

Speaker 1: 32:41

And so the only thing that I can think that we can do correctly is autonomy. Now, this is done poorly if not, if not planned out correctly. Now, for those of you who don't know what autonomy is, it's being able to have the independence and choice that, if I'm in an abusive relationship, I can leave. It's being able to say if I have to go, I can go. I'm not trapped, I'm not stuck, I'm not in a position where I have to stay because I can't leave or I can't do anything, having the ability to go. If this is unhealthy, I can leave.

Speaker 2: 33:17

Now, where does this?

Speaker 1: 33:18

get messed up, Mr Gratitude.

Speaker 2: 33:21

Well, it comes back to the trauma bonds, the Stockholm syndrome, the who else is going to love me? They get brainwashed, they get manipulated and I'm going to say it again that manipulation isn't a connection and they refuse to seek the resources. And if you're refusing to seek the resources, I mean we're almost beating a dead horse here. It's like I guess the point to bring home is gosh, damn it, get some help, get some help. You can't do it alone. I've been doing this a long time. Rick's been doing this a while. I have never seen a person in my life that is able to heal alone. It's just not possible.

Speaker 1: 34:01

It's definitely the long way If you are doing it doing it.

Speaker 2: 34:02

It's, it's the longest of long ways. It truly takes a village and that and it takes swallowing your pride. It takes investing in yourself, even if it's a friend just to talk to, to say, hey, I'm fucked up, like I need a hug, like what can I do? Because trying to heal on your own. I don don't recommend it.

Speaker 1: 34:19

It's fair enough. Fair enough. Well, let's go back. I want to get into this manipulation thing you talked about. Autonomy is manipulation. Autonomy is not going to be. I got one foot out the door and if you don't do what I tell you to, I'm leaving you. Right, that's not autonomy, that's a threat. This is ultimatum stuff. This is unhealthy. Not autonomy, that's a threat, this is ultimatum stuff. This is unhealthy.

Speaker 1: 34:44

Autonomy is not a weapon, it's a boundary. It's a non-negotiable standard that I hold where, like as soon as you start abusing me or cheating on me, or showing no willingness in a relationship to want to be growing together, or we're completely neglectful and have no intention to change, once I realized this relationship is not going to be a healthy dynamic, this is getting more and more unhealthy. I have the ability to leave, should I want. Also very important, this is not just a male thing. This is a. Both parties should have the option to go if unhealthy. Right, that's healthy autonomy, and I bring that up with my girl and I. We have healthy autonomy. She has her money, I have my money.

Speaker 1: 35:31

If either of us did something that became so toxic to the relationship that it wouldn't survive, we could go and go, this isn't going to work. We can leave. But because we have autonomy and you have option, I choose her every day. I am not stuck, I am not trapped, I am not bound by some horrible consequence. I can leave this week and be okay, and she could leave and be okay. But that option is unnecessary because we choose to work so hard on making life better for each other that leaving would be ridiculous. It would be worse to go to be without her than to be with her, and vice versa. For her, I make her life better more than not being together. For her, I make her life better more than not being together. And that makes it so the ability to have any consequence to check somebody being extremely unhealthy. It seems very necessary for a healthy relationship. Otherwise we enable bad behavior. Right.

Speaker 2: 36:36

And we lose our identity.

Speaker 1: 36:37

Yes. That's a big one that I that I talk about is people losing their identity Get into it, talk about it, because people will create their, they are the relationship and then they stop being themselves. Go for it.

Speaker 2: 36:49

Yeah, yeah. So very similar to you, rick, I'm in a very healthy, loving, nurturing, supportive relationship where we have our own life, but we love the crap out of each other, you know, and I have my me time and she never questions it. She wants to do something independently, go on a walk, whatever it is. I don't question it because she has a right to do that. I don't want to ever try and control her, but what I see happen is, let's say, you start dating somebody new. They're really cool.

Speaker 2: 37:15

You guys are hanging out once once a week. Then it becomes two times a week, three times a week. But hanging out once once a week, then it becomes two times a week, three times a week. But it gets to this point, to where it's like, hey, I'm going to come over. Oh wait, I'm supposed to go to the gym right now. You know what? I'm going to miss the gym. I'm going to come over to you. And what happens is now you're seeing this person, you're forgetting yourself, you're your self-love, and that leads to regret, that leads to being codependent Yep, resentment. And when you leave that relationship or, god forbid, the day comes they pass away. Now you're left alone. You will not know how to survive, because you've lost parts of you that you can't get back.

Speaker 1: 37:57

And that's what I mean by that. I get strategic with the wording you didn't lose it, you gave it away. Well, yeah, you sacrificed your authenticity for what would be the illusion of love, but it makes it so that if you are loving, it's not you. That's fair, yeah, and that's where it gets tricky. I did a. I actually have a theory on this. I did a video a couple of years ago on that, talking about how it seems like the higher the commitment, the more that that ownership you need to start changing things happens. And so I did a video talking about, like when we first met, I would hang out with my boys or play Call of Duty, or we had my baseball team or whatever it was and all of the hobbies and all the things I did.

Speaker 1: 38:42

You loved me for how active I was and how I was. And you come over and my bachelor pad was very. There's no pictures on the wall and it's, you know, it's all just dude stuff. I have one futon, like it's like it's just the dude place. You're like, ah, I love it. You're independent, you got your own thing, and at that point you start getting into like, let's move in together. Higher level commitment, next level commitment.

Speaker 1: 39:09

Well, now the way that you do things starts to interfere with the way that I do things. So my system and your system is now clashing. So I like the laundry over here and I don't like this futon. We should get a new couch and I think that you're playing too much video games. What about us time? And your friends come over a lot. Do they need to? This is our place, this is my place too.

Speaker 1: 39:24

And now the things that I liked about you now start interfering with my system. So somebody has to sacrifice. And you're like, okay, okay, I'll start changing a couple of things. I love you, so I'll do that. My friends will come over last and I'll cancel my account for that thing and I won't play baseball this season because we need us time and OK, fair enough.

Speaker 1: 39:45

And then it goes to a next level commitment where let's get married and now I own you. And once I own you, now it's going to turn into. You need to start doing what I say. The towels need to be folded my way, the dishes have to be my way. You need to be folded my way. The dishes have to be my way. You need to put things my way. This needs to be my way, and somebody will generally concede to whoever has the most particulars. It needs to be their way. And they start sacrificing themselves.

Speaker 1: 40:11

Now, this isn't just women, this is like. Whoever that one is with the particulars starts to try to call and demand the shots, and the other person will either argue or concede. I either sacrifice or give what I am for your happiness. Okay, have you noticed that they don't get happy? By the way, there's always another thing that's not the way they want it to be, and so you're starting to sacrifice who you are. You don't hang out with your friends, you don't even play Call of Duty anymore. You don't have a baseball team, you don't work out, you're not doing your laundry has to be that way. And now you have to be on the schedule and you have to do things that they say. And now you don't do any of your stuff anymore. And then let's throw a kid in there.

Speaker 1: 40:51

Next level commitment, and now we don't even have time together because now it's all on them. I don't want you doing any of your stuff because you should be devoting things for me to take care of the other person and it's kid time and we don't have us time anymore and I'm burnt out or I'm touched out and I don't want to talk anymore and I'm already overstimulated, I don't want to get into it. And now the relationship has gotten even more goofed up because the commitment level is higher, the resources given are maximum and the appreciation, the connection, the love has started to dissipate. It seems like higher commitment. Without new agreements at every level, somebody will be sacrificing who they are and it just starts to kill the relationship because at that point you're not you, they don't respect you anymore, because you don't even. You're not even you anymore. And the relationship is now loveless, connected, disconnected.

Speaker 2: 41:47

There's no intimacy, there's constant complaining, nagging, and the whole thing is unhealthy because there were no boundaries, no new agreements and no connection, right, yeah, well, you, you, the boundary part is huge and something that we've been talking about kind of the theme of this conversation. Empathy, too, because what's the difference and what's the separation between compromise and sacrifice? Right, and that's new conversations need to happen. Compromise, sacrifice and if you, the way I like to verbalize it, I mean the way I like to look at it is, if you can't willingly and joyfully do something to accommodate your partner, that you, then that's sacrifice, that's not compromise. And, yeah, I, I most dynamics that you're speaking of is, I would say, probably 75 to 80% of relationships there's more sacrifice than there is compromise.

Speaker 1: 42:51

I want to challenge the wording here, and here's why Because there's a healthier way to do it. My initial just think on this Compromising even if I go like shoot, if we go into old Rosenbergberg and start getting into what's compromise. He's like compromise is just both of you don't get the way you want. He's like it's just the less cool version of both of your things. That's kind of what compromise ends up being. And then you got a sacrifice, while there are sacrifices that should be willingly made. Let's change it up a little bit. Instead of compromising, let's agreements, and instead of it being a sacrifice I have to make for you, I'm happy to serve.

Speaker 2: 43:25

I can get on board with that. I want to be on service.

Speaker 1: 43:27

I'm happy to serve my partner, and that's why I tell my baby all the time. I'm like how can I serve you today, babe?

Speaker 2: 43:33

Yeah, and that's great. That's a great point. And right, the verbiage is a little different, but that's a great point. We were on the same track. Like I love doing things for her because I know it's going to make her life better and I'm not miserable doing it either. I'm not like, ah well, shit, it's going to make. No, you know what. It's going to make me happy to see her happy and that's why I do it. She doesn't give me shit, she doesn't try to control me, she doesn't say why didn't you do this when I asked you to do it? She doesn't do any of that. Yeah, she gives me the freedom to enrich her life and that's why we work.

Speaker 1: 44:08

So that's where it gets tricky, though. If I say I have to compromise who I am or compromise my things for you, that has a even just saying it feels a little not positive, even though it feels like a loss in some way.

Speaker 1: 44:15

If I say, well, I have to sacrifice another Tuesday to make sure she's okay, you like, well, I have to sacrifice another Tuesday to make sure she's okay, you know, that feels like, oh man, I'm, I'm really losing something and you can see how that resentment would start to store up. But same dynamic instead of saying let's compromise, I'm like well, baby, let's make an agreement that works for both of us, Like that works for me and that works for you.

Speaker 1: 44:32

Let's make an agreement. Well, now, that's a good term Teamwork, instead of compromising. It's less of a loss term and more of a growth term. Well, just like sacrifice, while it is a part of it, like I'm honored to give, call that sacrifice a service. I'm honored to serve my family. I'm honored to give and serve for them. That feels more like purpose and growth and connection than it is. I have to sacrifice another night for you. I agree.

Speaker 1: 45:02

So, I'm just playing with the words to make it so like, instead of you going, you should be sacrificing. Or even where they start going, you need to be serving me like. No, I'm honored to be of service for my people.

Speaker 2: 45:13

Instead of.

Speaker 1: 45:14

I have to sacrifice for you. That feels like a loss system and not a growth system. That's the only. I'm just playing with the words, I guess.

Speaker 2: 45:22

And, and it seems more genuine and authentic.

Speaker 1: 45:26

Yeah, people start using that. Make agreements, not compromises. That's a higher truth. Start serving, stop sacrificing.

Speaker 2: 45:35

Yeah, I love that.

Speaker 1: 45:37

Yeah, I think these are good, but I do want to just make sure that we don't kill this autonomy thing by making it a poisonous thing. Autonomy is just necessary for you to say it's not me one foot out the door. You better do what I say, or else I'm leaving you and pushing on abandonment and pushing those things it's going to be like. Are you growing with me? Are we doing this together? Do you have willingness? Are you as our this together? Do you have willingness? Are you? Is our effort together? Do you want to fight for this or not? If you're in, I'm in, but if you choose that you're not in and I have to, then just be under your heel and you will abuse me, tear me down, call me names, just treat me like trash cheat on me like, just hurt me and try and tear me down and isolate me from anything that I am on myself.

Speaker 1: 46:24

I have to be able to walk away and be okay. And if I'm not with you because I'm stuck or trapped, I'm with you because I choose you.

Speaker 2: 46:34

Yeah, that's how it should be. Choosing you, we're choosing each other every day. As cliche as that sounds like, you should choose each other every day. If you can't, you shouldn't be with that person. You know a great analogy. What I love? I don't know if you've ever seen the movie End of Watch with Jake Gyllenhaal. Okay, there's a great scene in there where they're cruising on patrol and they're talking about cause he starts dating Anna Kendrick and and his partner looks at him and says you know what? You got to ask yourself this? If you can't live without her, you need to let her go, and I love that because it's true. If your life is going to be better without them, let them go. Let them go.

Speaker 1: 47:12

Well, also, if you can't live without them, is that maybe the idea that um you become codependent? Well that, yes, there's there.

Speaker 2: 47:22

There's truth to that. But my point was adding to what you're saying is it's like, if we know that this person isn't right for us, let's, let's not be a selfish prick. You know, like they, somebody's going to give them what they deserve. Like, don't hold on to them just because they bring you something that you're being selfish about. What are you doing for them? You know, and that's where that analogy, that terminology comes from I'm not going down the codependent road but I the meaning yeah yeah, no, I.

Speaker 2: 47:46

I believe that. I think that we know, like we know, if they're going to be good for us or not. Why are we holding on to these people? Yeah, and people do it all the time is very true.

Speaker 1: 47:56

I think that's a hard thing, and this is where stop being so hard on each other. Do you have, do you have, any experience of people who weren't doing the best they could? Yeah, I didn't say good job, I just said this is your best. Yeah, people are doing what they believe is the best, yeah, and they don't know what they don't know, they don't know. They're not trained Well, because the people who did their best also weren't trained either. Well, that's why we do what we do. Yeah, pretty tough dude Pretty tough.

Speaker 1: 48:27

We're at 45. Do you got to go or you got some more in you?

Speaker 2: 48:32

Yeah, let's cover one more topic. I mean, there's always so many great things that you and I can discuss and throw out here and I just I can't change the world by myself. And you know I'm really passionate about people and about love and the dynamic of relationships and I I want to make people just more self-aware that it's okay to be who you are. And and let's talk about the dirty things, the bad things right, Like people steer away from. I'm a sexual person. They're going to judge me.

Speaker 2: 48:59

Who gives a shit? Like, be a sexual person, be who you are, because you can never say the wrong thing to the right person. Somebody is going to come along and love you for your hurts, your fears, your hopes and we got to get away from let's be a fake person, let's keep a mask on and let's be on good behavior and let's not be empathetic when at our core, I think every human being has the capacity to be empathetic. And I want to continue doing what I do to just spread that awareness of like, hey, be who you are, Like, it's okay, you don't need everybody to accept you, you only need one person to accept you.

Speaker 1: 49:34

That's it, that's good, I like the way you said you can't say the wrong thing to the right person when it comes to the communication element, because I mean, like I could see how you were getting into how people are not able to just disagree and they get into some sort of like control system fight, flight, freeze, fall and I have to control this conversation somehow. What do you think the biggest issue with communication and relationships is Judgment, judgment, judgment. So we judge Instead of listening to understand.

Speaker 2: 50:09

I'm judging to condemn. Yep, that's the number one thing I see when I ask a client, when I say why didn't you bring this up to your partner? What is this? Well, I was afraid of this, they were going to judge me, or I feel embarrassed and I go. But wait a minute, wait a minute. You share a bed with this person, you share a checkbook with this person, you share a home with this person. If that's your feeling, then why the hell are you living with?

Speaker 1: 50:31

this person. Well, maybe I would probably go the other direction. Why would a judgment hurt you so bad?

Speaker 2: 50:38

Well, there is healthy confrontation. We'll talk about that.

Speaker 1: 50:42

Why would a judgment be so upsetting, like if I told you you're a 10-foot troll, like that's my, that's my, I'm judging you, you're just a troll and you're like right, okay, I guess that does that hurt your feelings at our core.

Speaker 2: 50:56

Humans want the acceptance right we we talk about. Psychologically, humans thrive for acceptance, but that acceptance causes us the most hurt, you know, if we go back to like and I'm not going to go into religion, but even buddha talks about letting go of attachment. Right, if we, if we could let go of attachment more, it would save us from being hurt as much. Let go of the outcome, let go of the judgment, and you're going to have less hurts.

Speaker 1: 51:20

I actually would take it a different direction than Buddha as far as not just attachments but just the control. And so again but the reason that judgments bother people is because there's at least a partial piece of truth in there that you don't want to talk about.

Speaker 2: 51:33

Well, and they're trying to control the outcome of the judgment.

Speaker 1: 51:35

Again. Now we're back to control, and that's where judgment is only for control. By the way, judgment is just to try to knock you down so that way you get back in line. And that's what people do. That's why they blame, they shame and they judge is to try to keep you in compliance to what I want you to do, which is an unhealthy authoritarian. This means I become the authority because I'm mean.

Speaker 2: 52:03

Yeah, and I don't understand it. I never will, because I don't want that control. That's exhausting. Like to try and control somebody just drains the shit out of me. You know, being a dad trying to like, dare I say, control my kids and guide them to be good little human beings, that's draining, let alone trying to do that to an adult. Well, are you scared?

Speaker 1: 52:21

What do you mean? Are you just scared? Are you scared of what's going to happen with everybody and just terrified of everybody doing stuff and all the things that could happen and go wrong? Are you scared? Not at all.

Speaker 2: 52:29

Not at all, not at all. I just believe that everybody has Go ahead.

Speaker 1: 52:33

That's why you don't need to judge. To control Okay, I see where you're going. You see, most people I see who have to have control have a high core. Fear system Makes total sense Like they're terrified and because I'm scared of what could happen. I need to be in control of as many things as I can, even you. But since I can't physically control you, I'm going to have you knock yourself down through judgments, nagging and criticism, so that way you just become submissively complacent.

Speaker 2: 53:07

Right right, I won't be able to force you, so I'm going to make you force yourself, you know the hard part with this rick is where do we separate the control factor to wanting to be a coach? At our core, like for me, I always want to see people do better right, and I've learned a lot of hard lessons. I failed my way to success and if I see something that I know that person's going to fail, I know that that pattern is going to hurt them. I want to help them. I want to say, hey, if you, if you, if you could take my two cents, like that's not going to be good for you. So, but some there are some that take that as controlling or, you know, possessive.

Speaker 1: 53:52

I got you.

Speaker 2: 53:54

And that's a line that's really hard to define.

Speaker 1: 53:57

I've got you. This is a big reason why I wrote the first book I wrote Everything is a Choice. This is the part that eliminates you having to be accountable for the decisions of others. Our job as coaches if you're a good coach, I'm going to challenge anybody out there for competency on this one. Jobs as coaches if you're a good coach, I'm going to challenge anybody out there for competency on this one Our job is to reveal paths for people to choose, not for us to force them to go down it.

Speaker 1: 54:18

And so I go, like you do. I see you doing this pattern over and over again. But did you know that if I move this bush, there's a path that goes to a place you want to go? But now, since you didn't know that was there, you have a decision to make. Are you going to go down this path that's less traveled, that gives you the goals and results that you want, or will you continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result? You now are in choices. Now my job is to reveal the options and help you have higher awareness that you can make choices differently than you did before to get results that are different than what you've always gotten.

Speaker 1: 54:53

That's my job, you do not have to do that, though you can choose your same old bullshit every day and go. It's not working. I'm like no, it's working exactly like it's supposed to. You just keep doing the same thing.

Speaker 2: 55:06

Yeah, that's more of a. That's a very philosophical approach. I'm very like more direct about it and I, I want to be more philosophical about it and be like hey, uh, confucius says that if you do this, you're going to end up this way. I, I want to work on that and I've been trying to work on that because I I've been called out sometimes of people thinking that I'm too direct or too assertive and and it's hard to hear, but there's parts of it that are truth there. Sometimes I lack tact and I need to be more tactful, but I get my point across.

Speaker 1: 55:40

I get my message across, sure, well, it's one thing to go like. All right, everybody, let's consider all of your feelings here. So the stove is turned on Now. I understand that some of you have a certain feeling about it. Like we can do this long-winded way. We're going you touch that shit. It's going to burn the fuck out of you. Like you can say that too. And so the thing is and this is where it gets tricky, and this is our daughters have taught us this I'm going to let you know that this is going to burn the fuck out of you. Who's going first?

Speaker 2: 56:08

There you go.

Speaker 1: 56:13

You said it. You delivered it differently. I yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, who's going first? I didn't say, don't do it right, I've got the med kit.

Speaker 2: 56:18

You just said, hey, hey, this is what I know. It's your option if you want to do it or not they're like how do you know it burns.

Speaker 1: 56:23

I'm like here's my scars. Who wants to join me?

Speaker 2: 56:26

I got the med kit yeah, I've been slowly, slowly getting my message across more that way, um, but, man, people are just so used to me in my content. They're so used to me being direct and assertive that the moment I try and be soft, people don't want to hear it. They're used to me like it's is.

Speaker 1: 56:45

There is a skill to this and I to be able to switch between all four sides is is a very high level like coaching tactic. It's hard to do because I've had my guys because, remember, we got four elements to us. To be able to switch between all four sides is a very high level coaching tactic. It's hard to do Because I've had my guys because, remember, we got four elements to us Mind, heart, body, spirit. And to be able to shift is different dialects and so, depending on who I'm talking to like right now I'm being very cerebral this is mind to mind, but if you were going through some stuff, I would switch to heart.

Speaker 1: 57:10

Yeah, I would open and be compassionate. I'd be like, brother, I'm here with you, let's get into it. What do we need? I'm connecting with you. I would be open and vulnerable with you. That would be a different tactic. But if we were getting more physical or action-oriented, I would be more aggressive, more assertive, harder my language would be more difficult. Like I'd be like let's go, come on. Like it'd be harder because it's action time.

Speaker 1: 57:35

But then if we're being more spiritual or more, uh, connected through our purpose and our our, you know, soul to soul, it's a very different energy. It's a very there's tears involved with this one. Like it gets different because there's a surrender to my brother. I'm gonna open my heart to you. You're my guy and I'll be there for you forever, man, like I got you bro, like there's a different energy that'll open up with my heart and soul. Come to you.

Speaker 1: 58:00

But if it's, if it's tactics in action, it's going to be more aggressive and so being able to switch depends on who you're talking to.

Speaker 1: 58:07

And I've got videos through like final battle guys who have gone through my program and it's final battle, which all weapons out and we go in and we start breaking curses, we start killing monsters, like, whatever demons are in your closet, you open the fucking closet and we go in. Now some guys are the aggressive type and I have to go, get your fucking shield up, let's go. And they're like, yes, and we go in and we, we break this generational curse. But then there are some guys who that hurt in. There is heart side and you have to go in there and it's going to be like man. I'm like the open-heartedness that we have for each other and the the dialect changes completely, and so that's a skill of being able to practice through those that people have to be able to accept your authenticity, of being able to wear which hat you need to wear for which battle, and so for you to go, let me work on this other hat. It only makes sense that people go is this a new hat, dude? What the fuck? What?

Speaker 2: 59:01

the fuck are you doing? Well, and the hard part with that is because people think that you're not being authentic with them, which isn't true. But I want people to understand that you don't get all of me. Like you get to see fractions of me. It doesn't mean that that's not the real me, but like you're going to see my, like my, my girlfriend's going to see a different side of me that you don't get to see. I'm going to see a different side of Rick that, like, some people don't get to see. You know, you don't I mean, but people don't. On the outside, a lot of people don't understand that. They think that you might be being fake with them, or why did you say this and now you're saying that, Like you don't understand, I'm being real with you but you don't get all of me, you don't.

Speaker 1: 59:38

True, that's very true. I also don't mind those questions Like why did you say this here and why did you say that there? I actually really enjoy those questions. I Thank you, like I actually find, um, I I actually have done something. This is something I think everybody can use.

Speaker 1: 59:55

Is people think challenging is for confrontation, when, if you just switch your belief system, challenging is for connection. I'm asking you why you did that, not because I need to hurt you, but because I'm seeking to understand. And if I have a belief system that you're asking me the ever dangerous letter, why I'm not going to take it as you're just trying to make me look stupid, I'm going to assume you really want to know. Yeah, and so that's where I think people get mixed up too is like why did you do that? Or why didn't you take out the garbage, or why did you wear that shirt or why did you say that. And people like, fuck you is why you know. And like, whoa, wait a second. Immediately defensive. That wasn't an attack, that was seeking to understand, slow down, and that's that's why I I kind of don't mind it when people go like why did you say it there this way and why did you say it that way, I'm like I'm actually glad you asked right.

Speaker 2: 1:00:45

Well, and that defensiveness you know it is not you. It's like a lemon right, like we can only take so much. It was something else to tick them off, and you happen to be the trigger point, so yeah well, how we handle that though yeah, I mean we have, and this is where the different versions of us come out.

Speaker 1: 1:01:02

I'm gonna give you a story that I think you can you'll appreciate, just for, like, the way that we handle things being different. Our, uh, our daughter it was like this week, this last week, uh, she doesn't listen to my podcast, so I'm just gonna tell it the way I think it went. So she just got her license, like within the last handful of months.

Speaker 2: 1:01:19

She's 16 just streets of the world watch out.

Speaker 1: 1:01:23

listen, we've already caught her taking turns like andretti. We've already seen her doing stuff. We know she's a type seven personality, so she's gonna want to tigger her way through her car driving. We got it, okay, right? Well, she was driving home late night after work. She's she's a good little worker. So she was driving home and Andrea comes and hits the window and says somebody's outside hitting her car, they're banging on her window and so I'm like, okay, I got to go out to this. It's dad time, it's warrior time, time, right. So there's somebody out there and attacking our daughter's car. So they're hitting the window and they're pissed off and they're screaming. It's a lady, she's got to be maybe around 50 and she's really, really upset. She's hitting the car like just screaming and angry.

Speaker 1: 1:02:05

Right now there's a lot of people who would come in body side, aggression side. You're attacking my daughter's car, I'm gonna fuck you up, get the fuck off my property. Like this. Most would come out aggressive, right. The type of warrior that was needed for that wasn't go punch a 50 year old lady. It's not gonna work in this one.

Speaker 1: 1:02:25

I went out there and I very calmly was like hey, hey, hey, what happened? And she was like she took that turn and I almost hit her. I had to slam on the brakes. She's not driving very good, she's doing this and that, and I'm like, wow, that must have been very scary, are you okay? And she was like I'm just really flustered. I'm really and you can see she was fighting between fear and fight. She couldn't, she was. I was like I'm imposing and so she's like not going to punch me, but she's like I'm just oh, I was just flustered. I'm like that was very scary. I'm glad you're okay. I'm glad you're okay. Is there anything that you need? I'll take care of. That's a kid. She's a kid I'll take care of, but are you okay? You leaned with love. And then she was like I was just oh, so flustered and I was like let's calm down. And so I've got you, I've got you, and I calmed her down and then I had her, sit in her car.

Speaker 1: 1:03:19

I'm like let's take some breaths, are you? You're okay. She's like I'm okay, it a few minutes. She's like I'm gonna take a minute. I'm like good, if you need something, we'll get you some water. She's like no, I'm okay. Thank you so much. Thank you, and she's thanking me now.

Speaker 1: 1:03:39

Real talk, the odds of this 50 year old lady blasting through a light and my 16 year old, who's only been driving for a couple months, fucking it up. Listen, I'm just gonna lean towards this. Probably my kid, like it probably was right, probably was, but she learned that sometimes when you drive like an idiot, people follow you home and hit your windows. So life can get fast, really, really quickly, like it'll. Someone will be really pissed off because you just didn't want to pay attention, you thought bad things don't happen. So being a protector in that moment was with compassion, was all that was needed. Because if I came out and choked some lady because she was scared, what kind of terrible leader, what type of warrior, what kind of man am I if I don't take the second to fight heart side when needed?

Speaker 2: 1:04:27

Well, and in most cases we just, like I, keep saying lean with love, because that's what it took. If you didn't lean in with love and you leaned in with aggression, who knows what that could have went right. She could have got more angry, she could have slapped you, who knows. But your calmness I mean even you talking like I'm not angry, but you just saying it like that kind of, gave me a calming sensation, like cool, like this guy's safe, he's not going to. You know he's not going to, he's not threatening, and you, you calmed her down. That's, that's great.

Speaker 1: 1:04:58

Well, leading in on the safety security element, and the point of that story is is there's a lot of times that our girls are doing that. Your girl's going to be angry, she's going to be frustrated, she's going to be frazzled, she's going to be upset. And you get to choose what type of warrior type you bring into the dynamic. Are you going to get loud and scream and call names and berate and talk over and interrupt?

Speaker 2: 1:05:21

Or are you going to say hey, are you okay?

Speaker 1: 1:05:23

Calm down, I've got you. You're all right Now. This is different from the very poor advice of weather the storm. Have you ever heard that?

Speaker 2: 1:05:32

If she's going through her stuff, weather the storm of her aggression yeah, no, I don't, I don't like that you go through it together I've never.

Speaker 1: 1:05:38

I've never agreed with that. But I've seen other men's groups where the guys will go through and they say we're supposed to just weather the storm and she just starts tearing me apart and I'm supposed to just stand there. I'm like now, bullies, don't stop hitting people because you got in the fetal position. What are you talking about? No, you hold the boundary on this one and go. Hey, this conversation is too unhealthy, I have to remove myself.

Speaker 2: 1:05:58

Yeah, and you know, really you're supposed to feed off each other's energy. You know, kind of like the situation that you're talking about with the story, you know you de-escalated it. She fed off of your energy and that's a total stranger. It doesn't matter who it is. It could be a stranger, it could be a romantic partner, it could be your child, it could be a family member. We feed off each other. If you're coming in aggressive, that now don't get me wrong. There's the anomaly, there's the psychopath that it doesn't matter what you do. But let's face it, how, how often, like maybe once in our lifetime? You know like yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:06:33

You are right, though. Just that energy thing, somebody matches somebody. I think everybody's seen, like where the toddler is losing their mind in the store and eventually, like the kids screaming, screaming and mom eventually goes shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Speaker 2: 1:06:47

Oh, it's worse.

Speaker 1: 1:06:48

That means you, the toddler one. You ended up matching the kid's energy. Like somebody's energy gets matched, and so it's the same thing in a relationship. If one person's going hard and the other person's like what's going on, either they're coming down and going I'm sorry, it's cool, I'm my bad, or you're going to be like shut the fuck up and you're all both yelling at each other. Now somebody's matching energy, trained or untrained. That's where it comes down.

Speaker 2: 1:07:12

It is so amazing, rick, how well it works, and I don't want to keep beating things up here and we'll wrap this up here shortly, but I think this is such a great topic about calming our partner and feeding that energy.

Speaker 2: 1:07:24

And I'm going to use me as an example again, because your story kind of inspired me to talk about it. It's like same thing with my partner. She is a stress case. She has high anxiety, she, she gets very overstimulated and freaks out and I not once have ever taken that away from her. I go give her a hug and what I do is because you're, a calm body equals a calm mind. I give her the biggest hug and I go like this, right across her chest and I just rub it and I go baby, it's okay's okay, like it's okay, and almost immediately, rick, she snaps out of it because of that energy. Now could you imagine if I was like what's wrong with you? Why don't you calm down, like what the hell is wrong with you? How can you imagine how that would go?

Speaker 1: 1:08:04

Yeah, it definitely calms anxiety immediately. Stop freaking out. You're freaking everyone else out. That calms anxiety down right. Stop freaking out. You're freaking everyone else out. That calms anxiety down right.

Speaker 2: 1:08:12

It will. But that's where a lot of people go wrong though. You see it, I see it, and I'm like no, you can't do that, Like, no, Like you're making it worse. Anyway, we could go off on that too. We always talk about such great topics.

Speaker 1: 1:08:26

Oh sure, actually we've beaten anxiety. I sure I actually we've beaten anxiety. I have a. I have a course that people can buy for just I've made it 30 bucks. I've actually wrote it out I beat. Here's how to beat anxiety. It gets people.

Speaker 1: 1:08:35

I think I knew about that yeah, pretty badass like I break it down step by step that if you do this, you can actually train yourself out of anxiety, and it's been working over and over again. People call me all the time like I bought that for 30 bucks. I just like I just want to help people, just 30 bucks. It should be 300 hours. It's like 30 bucks. I'm like just try it out and they're like that has made it so I stopped needing medication. I don't have the panic attacks or the triggers anymore. I don't get overwhelmed because I have it.

Speaker 2: 1:09:01

I have these new tools and tactics yeah, we've talked about that too, so it works yeah, or you can rub her chest though, too.

Speaker 1: 1:09:09

That works. Actually, I always, I always, recommend rubbing her chest. That's, I'm with you, mr gratitude all the guys are going to be very thankful for rubbing her chest.

Speaker 2: 1:09:17

That's I didn't say I didn't say squeeze her breasts, I said rub her chest. And I even yeah, I knew, I knew I was going to get some kind of flack for that.

Speaker 1: 1:09:27

But but it's a good tactic.

Speaker 2: 1:09:30

I'm just being playful yeah, no, it really is. It really is. That's why they also say to you know, psychologically, if you get an ice pack and you put something here, just anything in this region really calms the body. And so almost immediately, man, I just start rubbing right here close to the collarbone and she's like boom, just comes right down off of it.

Speaker 1: 1:09:47

Yeah, it's good safety. Security and I think that's one of the things next time we'll have to talk about is what does it really mean to be a safe place for your person?

Speaker 2: 1:09:56

I love that we can, we can. That would be so good, because making each other feel safe should be number one in a relationship. Man, it's, it's great, and there's so much, not only the safety part, but just the healing, bringing up things you never knew you had scars about. And I'm not talking about not being emotionally available, I'm talking about you're like damn, I feel so safe and healthy. I didn't know I had this scar, baby, I want to share something with you. That's, that's safety, yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:10:23

This is very important. This came up last night, If you saw in there. Why is it that they shut down when I talked to them?

Speaker 2: 1:10:30

I think I did see that, but I don't know if I saw the answer.

Speaker 1: 1:10:32

Yeah. The simple answer is because you've proved to them you're not safe to talk to. Yeah, oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah, yeah. People stop talking to people who they've shown that if I talk to, if I share things with, you, you're going to react Correct.

Speaker 2: 1:10:46

And I see that happen more on the female, on the women's side than I do with men, because there's a lot of men that don't know how to communicate their feelings. And we're going to, we're going to work on that and and a lot of the men in on the warriors calls are working on that and they're growing. And yeah, I just can't bring that home enough that I just I really enjoy jumping on those calls and I got to try and jump on it more. But every time you reach out to me it's like I'm wrapped up in something.

Speaker 1: 1:11:10

But yeah, Again, it's opportunity, not obligation. Cool, it's always an honor man. Well, Mr Gratitude, if people are like I want some more relationship stuff. I really love what Brandon's doing here. Where do you want them to go to be able to jump in with you? What do you want them to do?

Speaker 2: 1:11:26

Yeah, so many places. I'm very grateful that I'm able to have the outreach that I have and being able to connect with me. So, first and foremost, if you'd like a session with me, you can always send an email to MrReviewMe23 at gmailcom, but most people like communicating with me on social media. I do keep my direct messages open on TikTok and on Instagram for clients that want to work with me. That's where the majority of my future clients reach out to me. I do have a podcast as well, which, by the way, I need to get Rick on here real soon. I'm rolling into season four. I kind of had a break when my dad passed last year, but we're revamping, rick, I'll get you on there.

Speaker 2: 1:12:06

I have a course out as well that I just launched near the end of last year. It's called the guide to better dating, cause I know so many folks are struggling in the dating world and in this course, I teach you how to spot red flags, how to know when somebody is emotionally available and how to start off your dating relationship with that person. So check that out. All the links are in my bios and my social media. You just hit the link tree and, yeah, those are the ways to connect with me.

Speaker 2: 1:12:35

I appreciate each and every one of you that are listening to this podcast and, if I can just leave you with a couple of things of there's help out there for you, no matter what. You're struggling with relationship, addiction, anything don't be afraid to reach out for help. There's so many people like Rick and myself that we don't want anything. We don't ask for anything. We're here to help. Granted, we do have a business to run, but I'm not going to turn anybody down that just needs five minutes to talk, and that's what I want to leave you with.

Speaker 1: 1:13:02

My dude. Very awesome, brandon. Thanks for hanging out with me today, dude, I appreciate you, appreciate you brother.