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Dalton First United Methodist Church Podcast
How Fear Ruins Relationships - Pt. 3 of Bless This Home - Pastor Steven Usry
Have you ever considered the profound impact of truth and fear on your relationships, tracing back to our very first family - Adam and Eve? Hold on tight as we explore this intricate relationship, using my personal experiences as a guide.
How Fear Ruins Relationships - Pt. 3 of Bless This Home - Pastor Steven Usry
You are listening to the Dalton First United Methodist Church podcast. To learn more about Dalton First United Methodist Church, visit us online at DaltonFUMCcom. We hope that today's message from Pastor Stephen Usry inspires and encourages you.
Speaker 2:A couple of weeks ago, we started a brand new series called Bless this Home. It's in the month of August. What we're talking about is family. We're talking about being a strong, healthy, successful family, and our prayer through this entire series is that God would truly bless our homes. I always provide a message outline for you, so if you flip towards the back of your worship guide this morning, I'll invite you to turn. There. You'll find an outline of the message. You'll also find some blanks that are there. I'm going to invite you to fill in the blanks. As we go through the sermon today, I'm also going to invite you to underline some scriptures, so it might be helpful for you to grab a pin located there in the seat back in front of you, and together we're going to dive for the third week into families, and what we're really talking about is relationships.
Speaker 2:Now, if you were to ask me, you might get an answer from different folks, but if you were to ask me what is one of the most essential things you have to have to have strong and healthy relationships, I would tell you that, for me, that answer is authenticity. You got to be real, you got to be honest, you got to be truthful and you've got to have really clear ways of, in your home and in your family, really being real. You know, the Bible says it this way in Ephesians 4, let our lives lovingly express the truth in all things, speaking, truly dealing truly and living truly. Great relationships we know this are built on trust and if you're not truthful, you will tear down trust. Right, in order to build trust, you've got to be able to tell the truth.
Speaker 2:So today we're going to go back to the original couple, the first family, not the Bidens, the first family. We're going to go back to Adam and Eve. Okay, and what we learned about Adam and Eve is they had a problem with the truth early on, okay, and because of that, it's going to bring them some hardship, but I thought it'd be just helpful. We're talking about family. Let's go back to the first family. Let's go back to Genesis, chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3, and let's remember their story. Now, listen, church.
Speaker 2:Here's the idea. If there was ever a couple that had a chance to have a perfect relationship, it's this crew, right? I mean, think about it. They don't have jobs, they don't have work schedules, they don't have in-laws, they don't have children, they don't have any problems, right. And yet they screwed it up, right? We're going to look at how they messed things up. Now.
Speaker 2:The reality is, even in their perfect world and they had a perfect world, in their perfect world when sin entered their little perfect world, so did something that we don't talk enough about, so did fear. Today we're going to read the story from Adam and Eve, and I want you to think about how, when sin entered their world through some poor choices, right, when sin entered their world, so did fear, and that fear affected their vertical relationship with God and it affected their relationship with one another. And so what I want to talk to you about today is how, in every home, in every little small family or the extended family, in every home, truth matters and fear can really tear down your relationships. That's true of your homes, that's true of church. If you're a part of a church where the truth is it being spoken on a regular basis throughout the body, you're tearing down trust. You're not building up trust, right. And so today I want to talk to you about fear and how I can destroy Relationships, and if you have your pen, I know so many of y'all y'all are sitting there patiently waiting for the next little blank. One of the games that some of you guys told me is you're trying to guess the next, next blank. Before I get there right, can I go ahead and give you the three main blanks? I'm gonna. I'll go ahead and give them to you.
Speaker 2:We're gonna talk about how fear damages relationships, and you can fill them in. We get defensive, we get, we get distant and we get demanding. Let's dive in, alright, we get. We get defensive, we get distant, we get demanding. The first one is this when I'm afraid of my faults, I get defensive. When I'm afraid of my faults, by the way, everybody in this place has faults. No, that's not one perfect, all right. Every one of us has problems. We don't like to admit it. There's not a one of us in the crowd likes to admit our properties. You might, you might continue to do, but nobody wants to admit their weaknesses not one of us. But we all have them right. And when it comes to our faults that's what we're gonna talk about first when it comes to our faults, we, we get defensive. Let me give you an example.
Speaker 2:Not long ago, I was driving the car, had the family in the car with me. I'm driving the car and I make a wrong turn. I turned before I was supposed to turn and everybody in the car noticed it. Everybody noticed dad's mistake, okay, and they started calling me. What did I do? No, I'm meant to do that. I'm meant to go. I want to show y'all something different over. I saw it kind of come up with excuses. Right, you know how we can go this way and it'd be much better, and we need to snow the roses along the way, right? And I started coming up with all my excuses. How do I? Have you ever done that before? Have you ever been defended a stupid mistake that you make? Why? Because when it comes to our faults, we get defensive. This isn't the way we operate. It's just a human thing.
Speaker 2:Let's go back to Adam for a minute. God shows up and you know people beneath fruit Well, they were told not to right. God shows up and God says to Adam Did you eat what I told you not to eat? Notice Adam's answer and you might want to just get your pen and circle and underline some things. Adam's answer the woman. Underline that one, the woman you put here. Circle that one. So notice that he's out of the gate. He's not going to own any of this, right? This is his wonderful moment to defend his stupid mistake. Alright, he's going to blame two people out of the gate the woman, by the way you put her here. He's going to blame God, too, right? The woman that you put here with me gave me the fruit and I ate it. And suddenly God has a moment with Eve. What does she say? Eve says the snake tricked me into eating it. By the way, you called this. I want to write your margin.
Speaker 2:We accuse others, we blame them for our faults and we excuse ourselves. And, by the way, we are professionals at this. Alright, we are really good at being able to accuse and blame. And this one passage of Scripture do you see what's happening? Do you see how the relationships are being affected because of somebody's faults and their errors and their mistakes, and how they're blaming Because? Why? Because when we're afraid of our bloopers, our fiascos, our failures, we by nature get defensive.
Speaker 2:Now, guys, this is in every relationship, and I think the most important thing is we've got to recognize this and quit fooling ourselves right, and quit trying to cover it up. The Bible says it this way in 1 John if we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth. By the way, fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth you know what that's called Pretending. We will pretend that we don't have any problems, that we don't have it. It's not, it's other people's faults, never Me right. Let me give you a little coolness.
Speaker 2:When I got married, me and Julie got married. Julie came from a family that was not on time for everything. They were early to everything. All right, they show up habitually early. They are never going to be late. I bet you can already guess what kind of family I grew up in. I grew up in a family that showed up late to everything. I never knew what happened at the beginning of church. It never happened for me. We were always late and it was such a big deal. I'm going to I'm telling the truth here For our rehearsal, for our wedding, my family showed up an hour late. We couldn't start the rehearsal. Do you think we've got problems coming? We've got two families who have different, very different sets. Now I can excuse my family, but let's be honest, I was young. I had the same problems. So me and Julie get married and she is a person who runs on time and she marries this guy who's just spontaneous, you know, enrolling and just going right.
Speaker 2:And what did I try to do? You know, I tried to defend, I tried to. I put up barriers, right. I didn't want to admit my faults of how I had learned to be. This is natural. It was going to be problematic for us, right? Why do you think we start church early around this place? Because I'm married into, I learned some ways to live. I did not right.
Speaker 2:What I'm saying here, guys, is you know, when you want, you don't want to live in a family that is always defensive. And if you're hiding your faults, if you're not able to confess those faults to one another, you will be in a family where you're just playing a shulking, you're wearing masks. So the idea here is being able not to conceal or condone or condense your issues, your faults, but to confess them. When I'm afraid of my faults, I get defensive. Write this one down. When I'm afraid of my feelings, I get distant. When I'm afraid of my feelings, I get distant. You want a great example of that? Go to Adam. God calls Adam. Why are you hiding? Adam answered well, I was afraid and I hid from you. You might want to just tag three words there Hiding, fear, afraid. And I hid from you because I was naked. You see, what Adam's doing is Adam is afraid of these feelings, these errors that he's made, the disappointment that he has with God. And what's he gonna do? He's gonna, he even with God. He tries to pull away, he tries to hide from God. You see, the distance.
Speaker 2:When we don't know how to deal with our feelings, we will get distant with other people. Hey, here's a little clue. Let me talk to the women here. Men are especially good at this. Okay, when we don't know how to deal with feelings, men are really good at just kind of backing away, distance. We will just give space.
Speaker 2:I remember when I first got married and Julie would get emotional, I didn't know how to deal with that, right, and I would just. So I thought she needs space, I will give her some space, right? And then I would give her some space. I would back way away, and that made her more emotional, right, because why are you backing away? Because we don't men don't know how to deal so many times with feelings. By the way, women, you don't get off either, right? I mean sometimes, when you have your feelings, you will get distant as well. We do what Adam does. Distance is not good. You want a healthy family. You don't want that distance to happen. So you've got to be able to figure out how do we deal with our faults so we don't get defensive, and how do we deal with our feelings so we don't get distant.
Speaker 2:Here's just a few feelings I want you to think about. I'm going to go through it really fast. These are some of the feelings that the ways that we we don't know how to deal with our emotions sometimes and we just we begin to pull away from even the family members that we love the most. One of those is what I would call hurt feelings. Write that one down. When you're hurt, man, it's hard to admit. When you've been hurt, nobody wants to admit it. Maybe you've played this game in your home. Before you come home, something's not right and you say this is there anything wrong? Nothing wrong, I'm fine. Anybody have been there. Have you ever played this game before? Have you all played this game? Right? Nothing wrong, I'm fine. I just feel like something's wrong. Are you sure nothing's wrong? You seem a little distra right now. I said I'm fine. Why do we play this game? Because, hey, a little clue here it is easier to get mad and angry than admit you're hurt, and so we'll start getting mad. I said nothing's wrong right.
Speaker 2:And then we'll get all angry one another. It is so much easier to get angry than to actually admit your hurt feelings. Hurt feelings are hard to deal with. Here's another one not just hurt feelings, angry feelings. Write that one down. Angry feelings so many of us don't know how to get angry and do it well, right. I mean, I think some Christians think it's just sin for a while If we're resting in angry. Jesus got angry. Jesus knew how to get angry and deal with the right way. There's a right way to deal with anger and a wrong way to deal with anger. There's an inappropriate and inappropriate way to deal with those feelings. So we got to deal with that.
Speaker 2:Hurt feelings can make you get distant. Angry feelings can make you get distant. Here's another one. Write this one down. Sexual feelings can make you get distant. I mean, sometimes sexual feelings get scary. As a matter of fact very fact that I just said that in church some of you just guys got nervous and scared, just it, right, you did, and so many of us. We don't know how to deal with those and we'll start putting distance between us and other people. I got to go faster here, but you don't want defensiveness in your family.
Speaker 2:You don't want distance to happen because you don't know what to do with it. Here's another one. When I'm afraid of losing my freedom, I get demanding. By the way, the very first couple had the perfect setup. All of a sudden, fear and sin comes in. And what happens? You get the first battle of the sexes, all right, and it happens right there in the garden. And this is what the Bible says this is the result of their sin and the result of their fear. God says to the woman your yearning shall be for your husband, yet he will lord it over you". And from that moment, what Adam and Eve had, that was really beautiful and good. And from that moment forward, there's going to be this struggle, there's going to be this tension, there's going to be this battle for whose control and whose? And so get this. This was not God's plan. God's plan doesn't look like that. God doesn't want the distance, he doesn't want the defensiveness and he certainly doesn't want one to demand and dominate over the other.
Speaker 2:Many marriage and family problems can be summed up in two words. You might want to write them in your margin. Many marriage and family problems can be summed up in two words power stroke. There are so many couples that will come to me for marriage counseling and they are in a power struggle. They're demanding their own way. They feel like they're losing their freedom or they're losing their voice. And listen now, if you're in one of those families where you're fighting and you're competing and you're trying to get your way, the simple, biblical thing I would tell you is stop it, just stop it. Stop it. That person that is in that home with you son, daughter, mother, father, spouse they are not your enemy. If you want a healthy family, you've got to learn to be able to deal with these feelings, these feelings of fear. They are sometimes around our faults, sometimes they are around our feelings, sometimes they are around our freedoms, but they result in us wanting to behave in certain ways, to get dissent, to get defensive, to get demanding, flip that outline over or finish that outline. So let's talk about what you can do.
Speaker 2:Pastor Stephen, give me the good news. Give me the good news about how to have a healthy, strong family. Well, I began by telling you that I think one of the keys to having a strong and healthy family is authenticity. He's being able to say the truth, be real with one another, right. That's the kind of family you want being honest. And so I'm going to encourage you today to be honest in three specific ways. Alright, pastor Stephen, tell me how I can make my family healthier and stronger.
Speaker 2:I want to challenge you today to get honest in three ways. The first one is this one write this one down Be honest with myself. I've got to be honest with myself. Honest with myself, honest about my feelings, honest about my failures.
Speaker 2:The Bible says in Proverbs 20, the Lord gave us a conscience we cannot hide from ourselves. So one of the things we need to be able to do routinely is face our feelings that are making us to pull away or get to get defensive. I mean, it's being real with yourself, and sometimes that looks like stop, stop, you know, dismissing your own errors and your own shortcomings, and get real about yourself. So my encouragement is be honest with yourself. But the second one is this be honest with God. Be honest with God about your faults and your failures, your mistakes, your missteps. Be honest with God. You know, the real realization is God. God loves it when we're honest with Him. And here's the beauty, the good news God is never shocked, he knows everything. He's not surprised when you tell Him oh God, I'm feeling this way or I'm angry about this. He never is that way and he wants you to come with your honest, authentic self, because he's the one who can provide forgiveness and healing.
Speaker 2:The Bible says it this way we have no need to fear someone who loves us perfectly. His perfect love for us eliminates the dread. We're talking about fear today. Right, there's nobody who can teach you how to deal with fear better than God. He loves you perfectly. Be honest with yourself, be honest with God and then, finally, be honest with those closest to me. I mean really, really be honest.
Speaker 2:Look what the Bible says. It says in James 5, admit your faults to one another, stephen. That's hard, yeah, it is, but it's biblical. It's biblical Admit your faults to one another and pray for each other so that you will be healed. I would even add well, admit your fears and admit your failures, because when you admit your faults and your fears and your failures, now you're putting yourself into a place of healing. You know, guys, here is the good news the best years of your family, the best years of your marriage can actually be before you. But it all depends upon your willingness to get real, honest and truthful, because that's how you build trust. Pastor Stephen, that's scary, I know it is. I mean it's scary to admit your faults and your feelings, to admit your these things. But listen to what the Bible says 1 John 4-8,.
Speaker 2:Fully developed love expels every particle of fear, for fear always contains some of the torture of feeling guilty. I want to drive towards a certain portion of that scripture. Notice the first portion of those words. Listen to what it says Fully devoted and stripped. Fully developed love expels every particle of fear. Everybody, look up at me for a minute, anybody in this place ready to say I have fully developed love. You don't feel like you have that, and can I tell you I don't either. This is why we need Jesus. This is why you want a successful, healthy home. You know you and I, we won't really know and have fully developed love, but we know who does this choir a few minutes ago, saying leaning on the everlasting arms. You want a strong family, you want a healthy family. You need to know that. You need to lean into the one who knows fully developed love. You need Jesus in your home and in that place that's. He is the one who, along with you, can help drive out fear, be truthful, brutally honest and build deep levels of trust.
Speaker 2:This morning, as we close this message, I want to take just a moment to pray for you. I want to pray for your relationships, I want to pray for your family, and our prayer is God is at work. He's making you stronger, healthier, deeper, more intimate with one another. Let's pray, god. We thank you for every good and perfect gift. We know it's from above and the people are the most important gifts you've put in our lives. We think about them right now and how we love them, how we know them, how we care for them.
Speaker 2:God and God, we thank you for the families, the families we have right here in this church. We want to do family well. It's your invention, it's your plan, god. We know sometimes our sins and our fears really cause us to do family the wrong way. We will get defensive, we'll get demanding, we'll get distant. Jesus, we need you, we need you, we need you to help us be truthful and honest and talk so that together, god, we can go deeper and we can do family your way. I pray your blessing over every home, every family represented here, god, that we would have families that are growing, getting stronger and that are under your Lordship, under the banner of your care and your leadership. Thank you, jesus, thank you that you're working on us, shaping us, molding us to be more like you, and I pray this most holy name, jesus.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to the Dalton First United Methodist Church podcast. If today's sermon resonated with you, we encourage you to share it with someone who might benefit from the message. Join us for worship and stay connected at daltonfumccom. God bless and see you next week.