The Tightrope: Balancing Career, Motherhood, and Everything In Between
Being a mother is wonderful, hard, and everything in between. Being a working mother is its own brand of chaos. Join hosts Jess Feldt and Daniella Cornue as they discuss the challenges and the triumphs of being a working mom today.
The Tightrope: Balancing Career, Motherhood, and Everything In Between
Where's My Village???
Ever pondered the profound truth within the African proverb "It takes a village to raise a child"? Join co-hosts Jess Feldt and Daniella Cornue as we unravel this concept, highlighting the collective responsibility we hold in fostering the future generation. Our chat goes beyond the surface, addressing the pressures that working moms face in American society's individualistic climate. Through our personal journeys, we peel back the layers on how societal expectations can hinder mothers from seeking the support they need, and how we can shift toward a more inclusive approach to parenting.
As you tune into our conversation, you'll discover that building a supportive 'village' isn't a solo mission; it's a dance between individual effort and societal support. We share our insights on the challenges of creating businesses as makeshift support systems, and the impact of cultural shifts on community interaction and parental burnout. We explore the barriers of seeking help, the guilt it triggers, and the importance of intentional community-building for both mothers and children alike.
Reflecting on the current landscape of familial support and the necessity for a more connected society, we leave you with thoughts on how to integrate the act of community-building into our daily routines. It's not just about nurturing our own families but also about cultivating a nurturing environment for all. Join us for this heart-to-heart as we navigate motherhood's tightrope, balancing career and community—one step at a time.
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To connect with us further, please reach out to:
Jess Feldt: www.jessfeldtcoaching.com
Daniella Cornue: www.levillagecowork.com
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And you tend to hear mom saying where is my village, like, where is my support, where is my help? And I think it's a really interesting response to that proverb because if you go back to its roots, it's an African proverb and actually what it is saying is not that we need to help moms or that we need to help parents, but that collectively, it is actually the responsibility of the village, of the community, to raise a child.
Daniella Cornue:Hello to all of our exhausted and exhilarated working parents and welcome to The Tightr ope, a show about balancing career, motherhood and everything in between. We are your hosts, Jess Feldt, and this is Daniella Cornue, and this week, on The Tightr ope, we're going to be talking about the illustrious village and what that means for working women as they navigate motherhood.
Jess Feldt:All right. So for today's episode, we are going to be talking about a proverb that I'm pretty sure all of us have heard a million times over and, Dani, I know you've heard of this proverb before, and that proverb is called it takes a village to raise a child.
Daniella Cornue:Yes, I in fact named my business after this proverb, one that I hear often. And well, tell me what we're talking about specifically with this proverb. Tell everybody else, because I know.
Jess Feldt:Yeah. So I wanted to talk about this proverb it takes a village to raise a child. Because you hear it all the time, you hear it everywhere, but the lens that it typically takes, I feel like, nowadays is, hey, we need to support moms, we need to help moms. And you tend to hear moms saying where is my village, like, where is my support, where is my help? And I think it's a really interesting response to that proverb because if you go back to its roots, it's an African proverb and actually what it is saying is not that we need to help moms or that we need to help parents, but that collectively, it is actually the responsibility of the village, of the community, to raise a child
Daniella Cornue:It's so important to lean back onto our community and into our community. The other we can talk about this is a different one, but can you have it all? Can you do it all? And I believe that that is impossible unless you have built support systems for yourself. You cannot do all of these things that you want to do as a working mother unless you have support systems. But I can see it in your face that you're like this is part of the problem, Daniella. Why do you think this is part of the problem.
Jess Feldt:It's a bit a part of the problem because, again, we are asking mothers to create this for themselves, right, we are saying this is a problem that you need to solve, you need to go and create your community, and I'll say, sure, there's an element of that, right, we all form community, we all give to community, so we're all a part of building that. But I think what we miss specifically here in the United States, more than other countries, is this element of it being a shared responsibility on the community at large to support our children, to raise our children. And I think you see that, not just within communities as we have them right now, but within federal policies, within business policies, and that is really, if we wanna talk about support, we need infrastructure.
Daniella Cornue:Well, before we get into your utopian society, I wanna come back around to the what do we do now? That's always my perspective, right? What do we do now? Cause no one is coming to save the mothers. I talk about this all of the time. I wanna break down the problem first and then we can talk about actionable steps for creating solutions, Because right now, unfortunately, it does fall back on the mother, so I wanna come back to that. Let's talk about the problem first. What do you think the biggest problems are right now?
Jess Feldt:Well, one of the biggest challenges that I see to this here in the United States is our individualistic society. Yes, so, if you are familiar, all countries and cultures live on a scale of either individualistic or collectivist. Example of collectivist cultures would be many Asian cultures are collectivist.
Daniella Cornue:I saw a video about this recently love my Instagram where there was a woman on the train, or she had been. I don't know if you guys have seen this, but she's on the train and she sees this child that's alone and she kind of freaks out. She's like where's your mom? Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. And this Japanese woman has to explain to her that, like no, this is very normal here, because we see it as our societal responsibility to take care of each other's children.
Jess Feldt:That is certainly not the American way, no, yeah, and I think many people would say we wish it was right. Or individual people sure would look out, but as a culture, no. In the United States, we are much more individualistic. You can see it in phrases like pull yourself up by your bootstraps, right. We see everyone as being fully accountable and responsible for themselves, and the way that you can see this show up is anywhere in social media, anywhere in the media where people are talking about policies for working mothers, for families, such as paid family leave or different benefits. Don't look at the comments section, because when you do, all you will see are people popping into the comments section saying it's not my responsibility to pay for your child.
Daniella Cornue:Oh yeah this is your choice. This is you decided to have children, so now it's your problem.
Jess Feldt:Right, it's your thing, you can't afford to have children, then don't have them. And so you can see it's, we have this very much this. It is your responsibility to have children, and so, all of a sudden, the village completely breaks down and disappears 100%.
Daniella Cornue:Well, because it's a big challenge. Again, we'll talk about ways that women can do this, but I always think that this is kind of poisonous and a very. It just leans back in to how, in the United States, we do not value women and we do not value mothers, and yet, without children and without babies and without mothers that drive all of these all and, frankly, drive our economy, it doesn't work. I talk about this stat when we when I was pitching to investors and we were doing all of this I talk about this all the time In the 1960s, there were six people of working age for every retired person. Today, the ratio is three to one. By 2035, it will be two to one. Who is paying our taxes? Who is going to prop up this economy when people decide that they don't want to have children anymore? Because that's what's happening?
Jess Feldt:Right. I mean, I can even say my sister is one of those who is childbearing age and really sees her life as a bit better off without children because she can go and travel and she can spend her money on things that make her happy and she loves my kids, she's a fabulous auntie and that kind of satisfies. I think that I don't know if you want to call it like the maternal or the nurturing side of her, but she sees, you know what my life looks better without kids and I don't have a desire for that and I don't think she's alone in making that call.
Daniella Cornue:Oh, she absolutely is not alone in making that call. I mean, the US birthright has declined for six straight years and 19% since 2007. We know these stats are happening. Women are choosing not to have children because they are sick of making the sacrifices that are required of us in order to have children. Right, how do we tip that scale? What do we do to change that?
Jess Feldt:That's always the big question, right, and I hate phrasing questions as can we? It's just so binary, it's either yes or no, and I love to reframe questions, is it? How might we? How might we begin to change that? And this is complicated. Let's not say that it's not Otherwise. People have been trying to shift this within the United States, within the way we operate in communities, within infrastructure and policy. They've been trying to change this for decades. This is not simple, but I think there are ways that we can take a look at it within ourselves and say, well, what can I do? What can we do? And then how do I contribute to the broader society around us?
Daniella Cornue:Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense. I mean, I know, for me this was why I created the village right, this is genuinely why I built my business, because I didn't feel like I had the support systems to parent the way that I really wanted to parent was really what it came down to, and my mom lives far away, and so does Nate, so we didn't have a family support system. None of my friends were having kids yet and I felt really, really isolated. That is a terrible feeling to feel alone.
Jess Feldt:We're lucky in the sense that we have Ryan's family, who all live within a three mile radius of us, and so we've had that different experience of having that built in community. And I know that many people and many people intentionally right have chosen to move for very intentional reasons we wanted to be closer to more job opportunities. For many intentional reasons, people tend to leave or leave that built in community, and I think what we would say, what we would hope happens, is that then the community that they are in, that surrounds them, is able to support that family wherever they choose to live or wherever they choose to go right.
Daniella Cornue:Do you think that's the case?
Jess Feldt:Clearly not, but to say that's what we would hope, right. But I think it goes even further that with some of this, with some of the messages from society, especially going back, if you think of those comments of it's not my responsibility, you chose to have children, you know you're making those decisions. We have impacted the psyche, I think, of many families and many mothers to believe that it is their individual responsibility and that by accepting help, then you actually are burdened on other people who are asking for it, right. Well, because if you think about it, if it's my responsibility and I'm asking for help, then I'm a burden, right? And oh my gosh, no one wants to be a burden on someone else.
Jess Feldt:I mean, I can even think of we collectively have a friend, and I remember this friend having something happen in their house and we were all on a chat like how can we help support this person? And one of our other friends chimed in. I was like, oh, they'll never accept help, they would never accept help. And so I think, in a way, we do need to look inwards a bit to say, wait, have I taken on this belief that by accepting help or by asking for help, right, I am needy. I can't do it on my own. I'm a burden to others, because if we have that belief, then we're never going to truly feel like the responsibility for contributing to our families is in the collective, if that makes sense, Right.
Daniella Cornue:And I think that it does start within ourselves. Right, we I hate to say this, right, because you talked about this earlier you kind of said, well, we've made this a mother's problem and as if we have time to deal with another problem. But unfortunately, I believe this, this is what this is. This is a problem. I'm not saying that it's not a problem, but it is my problem, it is our problem as mothers. And so one, yes, I think, looking inwardly, like how do I just simply accept help or really reach out without shame? Oh, yeah, because I think I, I people ask me out there, like, how do you do all the stuff that you're doing? And I say it over and over again, I do not do it alone.
Daniella Cornue:I do it with a support system that I built over the years, and this support system it does not happen automatically. It is was not given to me. These are friendships that we're talking about. I don't have my mom close, but I can call her. I do have that support system. That is part of the village being able to call my mom and have an amazing relationship with her.
Daniella Cornue:But if I need support physically, right, I have to reach out to the village that I did build for myself, and I think this is something that people take for granted. Actually, I think they think, when people say, like where where's my village? I'm like, girl, you have to build, that you do. Or, or boy, or dad or whoever. And this is the other. Let me talk about how creating these friendships often fall on a mother, and maybe they should fall on a parent, as a, as a group, basically. But I think that that is something that people kind of they're like well, I don't have a village and I'm like well, have you been making mom friends? Have you been working at that? It is, it is to. You have to make yourself vulnerable, and people are not good at doing that. How did we become friends?
Jess Feldt:you owned a business and I worked there.
Daniella Cornue:Yeah, but then you could have just. But that's what I'm saying, Jess. That is what I'm talking about. People come into Le Village sometimes and they're like, well, I haven't made any friends. I'm like, well, you've been here for two months. Friendship takes time and investment. It is not that I owned a business and you worked there. Yeah, that's not why we're friends, that's not why we continue to work together.
Jess Feldt:True, very, very true. My answer was a little facetious, but I think it is, and it comes back to a bit of the chicken or the egg problem. Yeah, and maybe this is something that we mothers again, maybe part of the responsibility that we take on hopefully society or fathers do as well is breaking the cycle of. I think you nailed it when you said the shame around asking for help and giving help to others and accepting that, or the shame of reaching out at all. Right, I think maybe that's something the chicken or the egg. When I go back to that, I mean like yes, it takes effort to ask for help, but what if the community was offering more help? Would you accept it? And it goes back to the cycle.
Daniella Cornue:That's a vicious cycle.
Jess Feldt:It's a vicious cycle where it's like, well, I have to create my community, but if your community tried to rope you in, would you accept it? Right? And it's the cycle that goes around and at some point we have to break that cycle that says I am less than if I accept or ask for help.
Daniella Cornue:I see it at Le Village. People would be like well. The people tend to congregate in this room. They call it the chandelier room and if you wanted to chat or reach out, you went and sat in the chandelier room.
Jess Feldt:It's like the buddy bench at school. Basically it's like the buddy bench where, if you don't have anyone to play with it recess, you sit on the buddy bench and then someone will come play with you and someone will find you. Yes, exactly.
Daniella Cornue:But it is the act of admitting and going and sitting. It is In that room and that is scary and so many people I've talked to, well, I don't know, I don't know any moms in there and I'm like, well, you're never gonna meet anybody unless you go in there and make yourself vulnerable and reach out and see who you connect with. That is the first step. You have to reach out. We've created a space that literally encourages this. We don't want people to just show up and work.
Jess Feldt:yeah, and I think we need to .undefined same thing in our neighborhoods as well. Yes, With reaching out and trying to meet people in our neighborhoods. I actually noticed a big difference with this the pandemic because no one was going anywhere, so people were taking a million walks around their neighborhood because what else are you going to do? And even though we were still social distancing and I might've been on my porch and they might've been on the sidewalk I met so many more people in my neighborhood over the pandemic that now I don't think I've seen them since because we're just not we're not reaching out so interesting that you bring this up we.
Daniella Cornue:So you talked a little bit about American and our just being isolationist, right?
Jess Feldt:Individualist, not isolationist, individualistic.
Daniella Cornue:Well, I think that there's an interesting study and I'd have to look it up when I don't have it in front of me. But you triggered something in my memory about the death of the American front porch and it coincides with around the time that the television was created. So, but people used to congregate on their front porch. That was where community was built and so there was nowhere to go, right, you would go and you'd sit outside on your front porch and you'd have your tea or your cocktail or whatever. Your neighbors would be on their front porch and everybody would be around and moving. And then, around the time that the television was created, people stopped congregating on their front porch and they should have been congregating around their televisions, and it was in some sense the beginning of the end of community and neighbors and neighborhoods, because now people don't go outside, right, they just side all the time, you know.
Jess Feldt:That leaves me curious about something which is, I mean, granted, not now. It's Chicago, it's winter, it's snowing, it's, you know it's not really snowing, yeah, not now, but let's say it's you know, nicer weather or even decent weather. If one day a week, you know, you chose to go sit outside on the porch or just take a walk around the block at a time when people are out, if you would naturally begin to build a bit more community, because I think what we often come up against is it feels like something extra. It's something extra. I have to add to my to-do to go out and build community or meet people or schedule lunches or dinners, and with everything else on my plate, I don't have time for something extra, so it falls off. What ways could we naturally begin to integrate some of these things into our day to day? That's not something extra.
Daniella Cornue:I think that one of the things that's really challenging is that Support comes in a lot of different ways too. Those support systems can look so many different ways. It can be text chains, it can be this, it can be that I do run into some of this too, where people are like well, I have my friends, I don't need new friends, I have my friends and I'm like well, I think that having family support systems, a village of people that you trust with your children, or, frankly for me at this point, honestly, that Vivie likes their children, that's a big thing for me. I'm sorry, I love several women, but their children are not the same age as my children, right? And? Or my children. My child does not dig the way that their children play, and that's OK. They're not necessary.
Daniella Cornue:There are layers to a village too. You can have levels and layers and whatever else, and building community around. This is something I feel like young moms do not really understand until they're in it. But you need to build a village for your child. It's not necessarily just for you, right, and that will. That village will come for that. But, frankly, like you and Ryan are so much a part of Nate and I's Village because our kids are the same age. Yeah Well, Allie, like we are besties because our kids are super tight, like I have that, that's my village for Vivie, then I have my village for me and then I have my village that is for our family and our husband. There are layers to all of these pieces and you don't have to shut people out because you feel like you have enough, because, frankly, there's no such thing as too much support in this journey, right, right.
Jess Feldt:What it boils down to for me is two pieces here. It's accepting the vulnerability and realizing that, no, if we want a village, we have to be more collectivist. We have to see ourselves responsible for the community, and that means that you are not a burden by asking for help or by needing help. That should be assumed. We should not assume that families can do it all on their own, because I think that gets us to where we are today, with where it feels like I can't do this. So maybe I don't want children, and you know what. We need kids. We've already covered that, right, we need mothers, we need kids.
Jess Feldt:I think the second piece here, then, is how do we nurture what we have? How do we give to? Because, again, if we want a community, we have to give to the community as much as we want to be able to take from the community. So that's the we element of this, of being able to do it. And I'm going to add a third, even though I said two, which is we also live in a society where we vote for people who create infrastructure for our villages, and if we want to live in a society where we feel like, no, it actually is everyone's responsibility to grow happy, healthy children and happy, healthy societies. We need to vote for people that support that infrastructure.
Daniella Cornue:Yeah, and I think that I think that that obviously policies touch families on so many different levels. What do you think are some actionable items that moms can do while we wait for the utopian society that will prioritize motherhood and create all of these wonderful policies that? What do we do in the meantime.
Jess Feldt:Okay, before I get to that, I'm just going to say it doesn't have to be utopian. I just want to call out that the United States is the only developed country without paid family leave. I think we all know this. Yes, we are also the most individualistic country in the world.
Daniella Cornue:I'm disagreeing agreeing with you, Jess. I'm just saying that we haven't had a house speaker in weeks, and I am not holding my breath, so I just want things to get fixed anytime soon.
Jess Feldt:It doesn't have to be a utopia. Utopias mean we will never get there, that's true.
Daniella Cornue:Okay.
Jess Feldt:I have to believe that there is hope that we are moving in that direction and we will. What I think we can do first is look within ourselves and say am I willing to accept help? Am I willing to ask for help? If I am, who would be the five people that I would feel comfortable asking for help from? Yeah, that's really tangible. And if you don't have five people that you would ask for help from, how might I begin to create five? If that?
Daniella Cornue:makes sense, yeah, or foster relationships with five, or sometimes it's so simple, right. And again, I think it's really scary. I am not. It's so funny. I run spaces full of community. I have built tons of community for myself, but we talk about this a lot. I actually am not that kind of an extrovert, I'm an introverted extrovert. An extroverted introvert I always get them confused, but basically I will get up and talk in front of a crowd of people, but if you get me in front of 30 people that you expect me to connect with, I tend to panic. I do not like that, that's okay. Know who you are. When you're reaching out within friendships, don't do it with 30 people. Just talk to that one mom in your kids class that looks on the same level of hot mess express and make that bond. It just takes a little friendly comment and people. The thing is, if you reach out, almost always someone will take your hand, yeah, and then accept it back. And then accept it back. Exactly, exactly. I love it.
Jess Feldt:All right. So, as we always do this is where we are talking about career, motherhood and everything in between. So, Dani, what is your everything in between this time?
Daniella Cornue:Oh my God, I got the flu and I think I've talked previously about trying to work out and I have not been doing very well on that, so I'm trying to get back on that horse, but right now I'm trying to just go for walks for 15 minutes a day. That's like my new like. Okay, maybe I don't have the hustle to like do a full workout, but can I go for a walk? Awesome.
Jess Feldt:My everything in between is kind of connected to career, but a little bit different. I have a new mentor and I'm really excited about it, and I think I mean talking about community. This new mentor relationship for me is someone that I think I can lean on in community as a solopreneur yeah, and that's a village that I'm really excited for right now.
Daniella Cornue:Join us next week while we talk about parental burnout and what you can do to combat it
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--tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; background-color: rgb(252, 252, 253);"> </span><span data-v-ddf6351a="" class="transcript-element" data-mindex="52" data-eindex="46" data-key="5246State1674. 912" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-pan-x: ; --tw-pan-y: ; --tw-pinch-zoom: ; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width: backdrop-sepia: ; background-color: rgb(252, 252, 253);"> </span><span data-v-ddf6351a="" class="transcript-element" data-mindex="52" data-eindex="48" data-key="5248University1675. 274" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-pan-x: ; --tw-pan-y: ; --tw-pinch-zoom: ; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-color: rgba(59,130,246,. 5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; background-color: rgb(252, 252, 253);">University thank A This is 2022 peak pandemic care. 66% of working parents meet the criteria for burnout they have nothing left to give.
Daniella Cornue:That's next week. So until then, just put one foot in front of the other. Thanks guys.
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