Building Your Community: Time, Distance, and Connection

Welcome back to Love in Focus: Building Community with an Only Child! In Episode 21, we embark on a journey into the foundational steps of community building. I share insights into the simple yet essential questions that lay the groundwork for creating lasting connections. Join me as we explore questions like 'What time and days work best for meetups?' and 'How far am I willing to travel to nurture these connections?' Delve into the thoughtful process of shaping the kind of community that aligns with you and your child's needs. Tune in for practical tips and heartfelt encouragement to kickstart your own community-building adventure!

Transcript

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Hi, my name is Fa and welcome to the Love and Focus, the podcast for Minds where we explore, discover, build community with our own each other. Let's get going. Okay. You know what I mean. Let's start with the program. Oh my goodness. Hi, I just wanted to say to you all that have been listening. I just wanted to give a shout out because I don't know you personally, except for my sister who lives in Wellington. Thank you, Maureen. She is the number one listener in Wellington. And so that was the most popular downloads in the city. And so I just want to say thank you to you. You're such a wonderful supporter, and I just love you lots. The next city is Galway, County Galway. So thank you to those who have been listening to me. Absolutely love you. Lots of hugs and loves. And the next one is Goshen, Indiana. I can assure you maybe that might have been one episode for my husband who has listened, and maybe five other friends who wanted to check out what has this lady been talking about since she started her podcast. The next city is San Jose. So those who have been listening in the San Jose City, thank you very much for listening. And also the Philadelphia and Pennsylvania. I am so thankful for the listeners in there as well. And so the countries, the top countries, United States, New Zealand, Netherlands, Ireland, and Costa Rica. I just want to say thank you so much for supporting my podcast, The Love and Focus, Building a Community with an Only Child. Look, if you want to be encouraged to start a podcast, I'm just reading my stats now. Uh so my podcast, I've only had 20 episodes, right? And so 20 episodes, 115 downloads, 10 countries, and I said 20 episodes, and 347 minutes. Now I'm congratulating myself because a you just do it one step at a time. And for those who are faithfully listening, you know I don't publish every week, but they do recommend to be consistent, and that's why I'm here today. First, I wanted to before the year closes up, I just want to say that I am so thankful that you chose to listen to me. And as you can tell, my episodes have gone from 15 minutes to 23 minutes, and I thought, you know what, cut it off at 23. And if you're wondering, can you do it? Yes, you can. You know, you can because there's someone out there that wants to listen to your story, hear what's going on, and you can give great tips, great advice. And speaking of great advice, I thought of going back to one of the beginning episodes, and because they were only 15 minutes, I wanted to talk about when you're building a community, there's so many layers. I was talking to a few friends of mine, and they said, Can you explain how do you build a community in the way that you do it? And I said, sure. You know, a few hours later, I was only just touching, there's so many layers to it, and I thought, you know what? How about if I just break it down each week in a podcast? And then those who are listening with an only child, because you know, I love my families with an only child, and especially because you know it takes time to build, like I mentioned the last episode, takes time. So if you are in a new season and you are in a new environment, new town, or even if you're in a town and you're just you know shifting to a different group, for example, um, your see Livia, we're no longer in the toddler stage, obviously, because she's six years old, we're in the child stage. Now I don't know, you know, she's six, and so I'm not hanging out with mums with an own, you know, that are little because our schedule has changed, and that is what you got to decide as well. So if you're listening, first big tip, mom, is ask yourself what type of community do you want to build for you and your child? Now, for example, when Olivia was young and she was a year or two years old, I had a lot of friends who, you know, they were also stay-at-home mums, but they had, you know, multiple children, but their children were a lot older. And so, you know, her and I hanging out with them, it wasn't always ideal because she had nap time, you know, and we all know your child needs to sleep, you know, when they're little. And um, well, you might say, Well, my child doesn't nap. Okay, that's fine. But my child, I mean, she was a toddler, she needed naps, and I needed a nap. And so doing activities with older children, even though I wanted to hang out with my friends, it just wasn't always convenient. So I had to look and then build, and then I wanted to be clear with myself: what type of community do I want to build for me right now? So that is a good tip. So ask yourself, what type of season are you in? You're like, what do you mean by that? Just take it the very first step. What type of like look at your schedule and really see when are you available? And it might be I'm only available two hours, and it might not be every day, because it depends on what you got going on, right? And so then have a look, so then you kind of know, wow, Monday's not good, Wednesday, eh. What really works for me is in the afternoon or the morning, it might be the morning for you for two hours or even an hour. Okay, now that you know what your time schedule looks like, then ask yourself, okay, so make it really simple for me, because I had Olivia, I didn't want to be driving far. Meaning I did far for me, because far can be relative, right? Far for me is if I have to drive more than 15 minutes, that's not gonna happen. It has to be a pretty, this better be like like whoop whoop exciting, because I I I'm not that type of person who loves driving for a long time and anything over 15 to 20 minutes, unless it's like I gotta do for shopping or doctor's appointments or things like that. I have to fine. But if it's just to visit people, I'll rather go somewhere close by. But if I'm meeting you and you're listening to this, and like you practically drive 40 minutes away or 30 minutes, it's because I love you. I will make that sacrifice because I love you. But generally, it's got to be within 15 minutes, honestly. And A, because Olivia, you know, you got 15 minutes there, 20 minutes, you got 15, 20 minutes come back, and depending on what your schedule is, you can spend most of your time in the car. Now, you might say, my my child and I, we love it in the car because we have we play games or whatever. So, whatever it is, ask yourself how far do you want to travel to meet people? And then once you get that done, so remember one, looking at your schedule, mom, when you're building your community, you're asking yourself what hours and what days realistically is it gonna work for you to meet people and build your community? And two, take into consideration when you're meeting these people, how far are you gonna meet them, like location-wise? And that way, and then ask yourself, why are you meeting them? Why are you meeting these people? Is it to get together so your child, is it more for your child? But I really recommend that when you're building a community for your child, make sure you build it for you too, because you're gonna put in the work. And I tell you, put in the work. Some people, I met some mums, and they say, you know what, it just takes a long time. They think after three meets, three meetups, yay, you know what, and maybe there is a group after three meetups, and it's just perfect, and it's your like sister, it's the mom group. Well, that is awesome, but you know, in my experiences, it takes a few meetups, especially if you don't know them, and because one, they got routines as well, and then two, you have to decide what kind of group. Is it just to socialize? Is it just to, you know, us as the group that you get information? For example, um, I know I read one group, right? Like my one was all about field trips for Olivia and I. I wanted Olivia and I to have, you know, children similar her age, and moms and dads, and with their grandparents and all their family members who want to learn and be engaging. I didn't want to be the field trip that you come and drop your child off, and I got to look after it. I look after a child and discipline, not discipline, but I don't want to be minding your child. If you're there, you're engaging. And what does that mean? Meaning, a you're taking care of your child, b, you're showing up on time, c you're happy to be there. You want to learn. And meaning, like you want to get in there, you know, and let your and just have fun. And so that's the type of fear trap I wanted for Olivia and I, and for parents to um, you know, that were hands-on. And so you really always ask families, I always encourage parents, what kind first just check your day or hours, and just start off slowly. So then when you know, as you're talking to people, right, moms, you're talking to other moms, like I said, remember, in the library, at the markets, or even at church, or even friends of friends, or when you go shopping, when you start getting out in the community and you start meeting people, you can say, Hey, what days are you available? and you can let them know, you know, mornings work for me, you know, two hours, an hour and a half, and then as you get to know people, you're gonna start filing away, like, huh, you know what? Once you start talking to them, and your child gets to know their child, you're like, Yeah, I think this would be a good fit, and it's okay if it does start a good fit, and then eventually it just you know, because things change, like that's not a good fit. That person, what a mistake, you know. But there'll be another podcast. What do you do with those who are like whoopsie daisy? It'll be it's a different group. This is not that. We'll talk about that later next year. But I just wanted you to start off with the basics of building your community. And I remember one lady, she said, you know, she started a Facebook group, and I said, yeah. And she had a lot of people come, but then she she told me, she said, Well, I started, I felt like I was always the one posting, you know, always the one starting the conversation. And I said, Yeah, it is. It's and she said she got tired of it, and I said, I get it. You get tired of starting the conversation, and she said it really felt like people were just taking and taking and taking. And I said, Yeah, I understand, but I once again I reminded her what type of community are you wanting to build and the people that are you're wanting to be in that community, and what are the hours? And because here's the thing: I loved my three years, I really enjoyed building it because I knew what it served. Like I didn't get tackled something fun, I was very clear what I wanted it for, and I could I should say clear, but you know, I had other people to help me. Like I had my sister, Maureen, and she helped me, and um, it was good bouncing off ideas, you know, talking about it first. So if you can have someone you can process, or if you want to say, hey, I have this question. You said, you know, I got my time down and I got what days, but I really need a process with someone, kind of like what the community will look like. Well, there's an email, send me your question, and if I can't help, we'll figure it out together. And that way, um, but if you have a friend, you can ask, um, or you know, your husband. My husband was helpful, you know, he'll give me some helpful tips and remind me when I'll be like getting frustrated. Then you say, Well, why did you build this? Who did you want it for? And I thought, and I said, Oh, yeah, that's right. I just wanted Olivia and I first to engage, you know, learn together. I really wanted her and I to learn to together in the community and have hands-on experiences. And I wanted more than just a library, and in the meantime, have fun and make friends and you know, have people join us along the ride. And that's what I wanted. So it never changed during the three years we were together, and we made wonderful friends, you know. We added on some, you know, as she got older, a little bit over the years go on, but it's gonna be different for everyone. So you may want a group that's just like an information group, like you get together and your group is all about, I don't know, learning how to, I don't know, eat more, you know, organic food. Or you want to, you know, your group swaps recipes, you get together and you guys are the recipe group and you just love it. Or the other group is um you guys are like I said, the walking club group. You guys just love to walk. You don't have to talk necessarily, but for two hours or an hour, you're walking, and depending how old your child is, either they're biking next to you or they're in their prayers. So it just depends, you know, and depending how big your group is, you might just want two or three moms, yeah, or you might open it up to different mums for different seasons, but once you understand yourself, because as you put more into it, and you know, meeting people and friends take some time, it takes some time, and the more you invest, like I always tell my family, if you want to have a friend, you need to be a friend. Yep, you want to have a friend, you need to be a friend and be a friend to yourself, meaning be kind to yourself. Why did I come at like be kind? Yeah, like lately I've been saying to my daughter, be kind, be encouraging, be loving. And I also say that to myself be kind, be encouraging, and be loving. So, moms, that is my tip, and I'm gonna keep repeating it for this episode. Is one ask yourself first look at your schedule, right? What times and what days realistically suits you, and then ask yourself why you want to do it within that time frame. Yeah, what's gonna motivate you to keep going and keep looking for these moms to join your community? And then another thing is once you've got that down, ask yourself how long do you want to travel to to meet these, you know, meet these new friends? Because then once you know, and then you start engaging, start looking, you know, it's kind of like going on a date. You gotta like weed them out to get to the nice one, yeah. So it I mean have fun with it, discover and explore your community while you're building your your own community. So once again, mom, you wanna have a friend, you gotta be a friend, and you also need to be in part of your community as well. So I absolutely want to encourage you and remind you that you are a wonderful mom. You're doing the best you can with the time that's given, and you're such a joy, you are absolutely joy, and just remember to give yourself a 20-second hug. And why a 20 second hug? Because it's good for you, moms. If you're listening, 20 seconds hug is good for your body, it's good for your spirit, and it's good for your mental health. If you can hug, like who's in the room with you? You say uh my coach. Workers. Well, if you can find someone, maybe your husband's in the room with you, and you can give him a good hug for 20 seconds, or your child's with you. Maybe like, um, I'm on the train. Well, maybe just give yourself a hug. Give yourself a hug, breathe in and breathe out, and just breathe in the love that you're receiving and breathe out. Like, whoo. Now, now that you've done the breathing in and the breathing out, you know, next step is the smile. That's it. Are you smiling? I hope you're smiling. Because um I'm looking at you. You're like, you cannot be looking at me. Well, if you can see me through the camera, like you're watching this, I hope you're smiling. Why a smile? Why isn't it when you smile? Well, at least you're like, um that you got some earbuds on, you can't see and you're in a meeting. So if you're smiling, like and they're like, Why is she smiling? You know, smile makes you feel good. Why? Because you are awesome. You are awesome. You're doing the best you can, mom, with the time that's given. You are absolutely loving, encouraging your child. You know, you're caring for them, you're serving for them, you're helping them to be the best they can as well. And also, you're a wonderful encourager to your husband. I mean, I tell my husband and my daughter, you're welcome. And they're like, What did we do? And I said, You're welcome. You're welcome. That should be my sign. Like, if I had a t-shirt, I would say, you're welcome. And I say with a lovely heart, like, yeah, you're welcome, meaning I'm part of your team, I'm part of your community, meaning when I come, I come with love, I come with joy, I come with solutions, and I come with a friendship, meaning me, I want to be a friend. But in order for me to be a friend, I gotta find a friend. Or like I said, you wanna be a friend, you wanna find a friend, you gotta be a friend. Meaning, too, you gotta love yourself. It's always a great place to start, is to like yourself and love. Love what you bring. And if you say, Well, I can only bring this, well, start there. You don't have to start like really big and massive, whatever that looks like. It's all validative to people. Like people might say, I can only bring one hour, or I can only bring five minutes. Well, those are the best five minutes. We'll take it. It's not the quality, it's not the quantity in some ways, it's the quality. But you're like, uh, well, we can talk about that later. You just don't make it complicated. All I'm just saying is you yourself are amazing, and you have so much treasure, you have a lot of gold, you have a lot of love, and you got that smile, and the way you move and walk, and the way you do your hair. So, once again, my name is Four. Thank you for liking and following me on this podcast for love and focus, building a community with our only child. So, I cannot wait to see you in um the next episode for 2024. That'll be next week. Whoop whoop. Okay, then God bless and happy new year. And once again, thank you to everyone who has been listening um to my podcast. I absolutely love and adore you all. Lots of love and hugs. Bye.