The Sullivanians:Through a Blue Window ((c) 2019 shelley feinerman's Podcast
CULT! This podcast chronicles the rise and fall of the Sullivanian Institute and its members. The psycho-sexual therapy] and institute existed on Manhattan's Upper West Side from the 1970s through the 1990s. Directed to abandon family and friends, as we all were, after five years my life was inextricably altered. The podcast begins with my childhood, then goes on to my time in the Sullivanians, and 20 years later, its self-destruction when it was characterized as a cult. It is entitled Through a Blue Window: The Sullivanians and is dedicated to mother, Ruth.
The Sullivanians:Through a Blue Window ((c) 2019 shelley feinerman's Podcast
Through a Blue Window( Annie and voted out of apartment
"I am asking the apartment to ask Cora to leave. I don't have to say anymore. My therapist said I didn't have to give my reasons and that I could just ask the apartment to ask her to leave. You could either vote yes or no based on my request."
This is what Annie, my once-upon-a-time ally and friend in the group asked of our roommates, in the apartment where I had lived for three years. I had heard this uncompromising reasoning many times in my five years in the group. To me, it was bullying.
In the end, it was majority rule and I had a week to leave. A group apartment was forming on the 12th floor of our building and that was where I wound up. This new apartment coming together in the middle of the winter didn't exactly include the cream of the Sullivanian crop,
.
A week after I moved upstairs, Stan, my fourth and final therapist - a former history teacher - in another bizarre twist, asked me if I wanted to move back because if I did, 'I should call the apartment and ask for a house meeting and say that I should be allowed to move back because Annie had bullied my roommates." This is exactly what I had said to him weeks before. To this day, I don't know what held me to the chair because at the time every impulse I had was urging me to grab Stan by his bony shoulders and shake him until he fell apart.
Listen to this episode and hear how Stan's incompetence and Annie's bullying helped me recover the resilience I thought was lost.
The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow can be seen on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you
There was a podcast, there was a book through a blue window, and this is a chapter from that book. When I was asked to leave my apartment, the group was mutating into a dangerous hybrid, but I was oblivious to the precariousness of the situation. An unbeknownst to me. Annie had found an ally in Sondra, and together they were perpetuating a coup. It was November, a week after Thanksgiving and my fifth anniversary in the group. It was a Friday night time for the weekly magazine meeting, the magazine I'd created, and that night myself and six others were expelled.
Speaker 1:The following morning, after a fiftiful night of sleep, I awoke to the dissonant sounds of voices coming from the kitchen. It sounded like a full house. It seemed that my roommates had come home, dreading what was to come. I lay in bed, trying to find comfort in the familiarity of my room, but there was none. It was cold in the sun-drenched room and I dressed quickly, pulling on my old jeans and a t-shirt for making my way down the narrow hallway to the kitchen. Annie was still in running shoes and red shorts and was in a heated discussion with Sondra and Joanne. Their voices dropped to a whisper, however, when I entered the room.
Speaker 1:I poured myself a cup of coffee from the pot on the stove and sat at the white kitchen table watching Annie over the rim of my cup, trying to remember the guileless look of the woman I'd once thought of as a younger sister. That person was gone. The curves of her body had been exercised away into a sinewy hardness and the softness of her face replaced by the tight mask of righteous indignation the look I'd first seen when she banned Sondra from the summer house. In her obsession to not gain a pound, she developed a nervous tick of sorts. Every 30 seconds or so she'd drop her hand palm to her stomach as though she was hitching up her pants, but in reality she was checking that her washboard flat stomach had been suddenly ballooned. I watched her repeat this motion again and again. Good, I'm glad you're here. Annie finally said, looking in my direction, I'll take make this quick. I have to shower before my breakfast date. But, korra, you should know she said it was my idea that the magazine start over without you and the others. You were really provocative there. You don't belong and I'm not sure you belong in the magazine and I'm not sure you belong here. I'm calling for an emergency house meeting tonight and you may want to call your therapist. Then she turned and walked from the kitchen. I did call Stan, but the session hardly prepared me for Annie's continued onslaught.
Speaker 1:Later that night, when we sat down, she got right to it, talking about me as though I wasn't there. I've tried living with Korra after the summer, but I don't want to try anymore. I'm asking the apartment to ask Korra to leave. I don't have to say anymore. My therapist said I don't have to give my reasons that I could just ask the apartment to ask her to leave. You could either vote yes or no based on my request.
Speaker 1:It was deja vu all over again, back to the time she'd asked the Marxist class to get rid of Steve Berman because of what her therapist the same therapist had said, except now I was the disruptive force. Stop talking about me as if I'm not sitting right here. Annie. Listen, we were once good friends. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Because it does to me. I really do care about being here, about being in the group, but just in a different way. I'm confused and I've been talking about you, the group, the apartment and therapy, but I need more time. I don't understand why you're doing this. I think I deserve more of an explanation. No, you've had plenty of time and I don't want to explain or talk to you.
Speaker 1:Beverly said I could do it this way, so I am.
Speaker 1:I'm asking the apartment to ask Cora to leave. Sandra, what about you? I asked, turning to in her direction, but Sandra's doughy face went blank. I'm sorry, cora, but Annie's right about this. I don't get this. Sandra, you told me you felt betrayed by Annie when she threw you out of the summer house. Well, this is the same thing. Can't you see that you moved into this apartment because of me and we've talked about leaving here some day together. Does that mean you'll be thrown out next? What made you change your mind? Sandra repeated what Annie said I was a bad influence. This went on for the next two hours. Annie, relentless and as immovable as a mountain. Sandra Har-Eka At first I was calm, repeating much of what Stan and I had covered in my session that morning, but then I was crying, choking out the words I don't want to leave the apartment.
Speaker 1:It's been my home for almost three years. The strike meeting, ollie, the magazine, maria Lainey all leaving, and now this. I don't know what's happening. Can't you wait a little longer? No, I have nothing else to say except that I want to vote. Annie said again, there are two choices yes or no. Beverly said I could do it this way. Okay, fine, do it your way, but I'm not going to sit here while you decide my fate. And you're all fooling yourself if you think this is an Annie's little power trip. If she's allowed to do what she's doing without explaining, with the tacit help of her therapist, then I can leave. I stood up. I'll be at Ollie's. You can call me there with your decision. Joanne yelled after me to come back, but I grabbed my knapsack and jacket and was halfway out the front door. It was three in the morning when Joanne called and Ollie, who just didn't get it, had fallen asleep. It's unanimous, cora. We think it's best for the apartment and for the group that you work out your problems elsewhere. I'm sorry. I did try, but in the end I went with the majority. I don't know if you heard this, but Cynthia Roth is forming a group apartment up on the 12th floor of our building and I think they're still looking.
Speaker 1:The 12th floor apartment coming together in the middle of the winter didn't exactly include the cream of the Arletian crop, a mismatched assortment. There was another disillusioned true believer like myself, two fringe members and one poor soul new to therapy, who didn't seem to know what the hell was going on. And it was my only option. A week after I moved upstairs, stan, in another bizarre twist, asked me if I still wanted to live in my older apartment, because if I did, I should call the apartment and ask for a house meeting that I should be allowed to move back. You see, he said Annie was being a bully. To this day, I don't know what held me to the chair shock, disbelief, betrayal because at the time every impulse I had was urging me to grab Stan by his bony shoulders and shake him until he fell apart. Instead, I forced myself to look away to look at his stack of Louis Armstrong albums neatly piled in the corner, and to look at his irregularly shaped black case that held his trumpet. Stan had recently taken up the instrument and sometimes I could hear him practicing as I waited for my session. He was terrible.
Speaker 1:Cora, cora, did you hear me? Yes, I heard you, don't you think it's a little late? You told me Annie was right, for God's sake, about everything. You ordered me to take Ollie to a group party, and you know how that turned out. How the hell can I call for a house meeting when I don't even live there? Whose great idea was this anyway? Weren't they listening to you in supervision these past few months? Or maybe you missed a few sessions? You sound angry, cora Angry that's an understatement. I'm furious. But you know what? This is just perfect because I realized something. Annie did me a favor. I don't want to live with her either. She turned into her mother, a reproachful bitch with no imagination. It was really the idea of the apartment when Maria was there, when Lainey was there, when Annie and I were friends, that I wanted. So I'm okay with this.