Don't be a victim: Get relationship empowered

In this discussion, I want to talk about the dynamic of victimhood within relationships. It's a challenging topic, and I always aim to be honest, even if the conversation is uncomfortable. My intention is rooted in compassion and love to help you improve, heal, and progress. If you feel triggered, seek support and prioritize self-care.

Victimhood in relationships often involves blaming a partner for causing hurt. While it's valid to acknowledge harmful behaviors, consistently pointing fingers can disempower you. A prevalent trend is labeling behaviors as toxic but continuously blaming the partner. This approach inadvertently gives them power and control over you.

The Karpman drama triangle illustrates that when feeling like a victim, one may identify a persecutor (the bad guy) and wait for a rescuer to save them. This dynamic puts a lot of responsibility on the person who caused the harm. While it's natural to hope for change and apologies, relying on external validation perpetuates victimhood.

The key is to recognize that your emotions are valid without needing someone else to acknowledge them. Empowerment comes from internal resources, and pointing fingers or waiting for validation from the person who hurt you keeps you in a disempowered state. True empowerment involves looking inward, recognizing your worth, and redirecting the energy you use to support others towards yourself.

Breaking the cycle of victimhood requires understanding that you don't need external validation to heal. Instead, focus on labeling behaviors, not individuals, and ask yourself, "What now?" Embrace self-validation, tap into your internal resources, and consider how you would support a friend in a similar situation. Empowerment involves stepping out of victimhood, gathering resources, seeking professional support, and rewiring your internal framework.

In an empowered state, you become less likely to attract negative energy and can respond differently to hurtful behaviors. Ultimately, the goal is to hold your power in the relationship, refusing to give someone else control over your emotions.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Highlight my friends today. I'm going to be talking about some difficult dynamic size C around victim hood within a relationship. Um, just as a bit of warning, I am going to be talking some hall strengths here. So for those of you who know me will know if that's, I, I'm always going to be honest with you, even if it's an uncomfortable conversation, even if it's something that might be difficult to have, but I'm always going to be truthful with you. And that comes from a place of compassion and love. Because I want you to improve and I want you to heal and I want you to be able to progress. So, this is what this is really about. And for those of you that might feel vulnerable or triggered by any parts of this conversation, please do seek support. And please do just make sure that you're looking after yourself, you're doing whatever it feels is in line with your self-care practice. Now let's begin. Victim hood relationships. How do we get empowered? Um, this is very much inspired by this repeating theme that I have seen. Whether it be with my clients, whether it be in clinic, whether it be on the retreats that I host, whether even be on social media and just random people contacting me. But the theme is always around victim hood. And his, how it might go. And sometimes it's really obvious. Sometimes it's a bit more subtle, but I'm just going to talk you through what the process of victim hood is. So. Often when we've experienced a painful, dynamic, painful interaction with somebody, let's say our partner. What happens is that we say we are hurt. You are the person who hurt us. And we point the finger at our partner or the person who injured us. And. Here's the thing, although that might be true and that your partner has done something that was hurtful. The more that you set that pointing the finger, the more disempowered you actually become. Now, this is huge movement that I've seen on social media. I think it's been done with a good intention, but it's actually led us down to a pretty disempowering path. And this movement is less. That we identify harmful behaviors, behaviors that are toxic behaviors that could be hurtful for us. And we're labeling it as such. We're saying this behavior is not okay. This behavior is really hurtful. This is unacceptable. This is bending and breaking my boundaries. This is pushing me to the limits that you should not tolerate these things. And all of these messages are well and good. And that, that well-intended. But here's my caveats. The thing that I've seen in the problem that I've seen a loss of clients falling into is that they will sit there. They will. Point out harmful behaviors that their partner is doing. They'll continuously be pointing at that partner that the partner is doing hurtful things. They may remain in that relationship continuously pointing, or they might leave that relationship, but it's still pointing. And the issue with the pointing. Is that the more that you point responsibility at your partner? Inadvertently, you're actually giving them power and you're disempowering yourself. So how it goes in reality is that you end up spending so much of your time and energy blaming that person. And by the way, I'm not saying that they're not to blame and I'm not at all condoning abusive behavior. That's not all what I'm saying. But what I am saying is, is that you spend so much time pointing the finger and saying your partner did X, Y, and Z. They are horrible. They all this, they all that. But with that, you're also expecting them to change. You're also expecting them to take on responsibility to say, you know what? I hear you. I'm sorry, I'm going to improve. Now. This is a concept that I want to talk about and it's called the Karpman drama triangle. And basically what it's about is finance. Whenever I feel like I'm a victim of a particular circumstance. I have a very high chance of doing two different things. The first thing is, is. Finding a persecutor and pointing the finger. So it's basically saying I'm a victim in order for me to be a victim, there has to be somebody who's the bad guy, the bad guy. Isn't me. Right. Like the has to be somebody who's the bad guy who injured me. Because I'm injured. And so I label my partner or the other person as being the bad guy. I labeled them as being a Pesach. You sat and I'm pointing the finger. I'm constantly blaming them. However, by that very virtue of the. That I'm a victim. I'm also waiting for a rescue. I'm also hoping that somebody will come out and save me because otherwise. I wouldn't be eviction, right. If I could save myself, then that would negate me being a victim. Uh, swol, right. And slower. If I'm a victim. I'm pointing the finger blaming and Pesach. Uh, pointing somebody at being a persecutor, but then I'm also sat there waiting to be rescued by somebody. And guess what often happens is that I'm waiting there hoping to be rescued. And I'm hoping. That my partner, the person who hurt me will be the ones come and rescue me. I'm actually by pointing the finger and saying you did something horrible to me. And then for me to implicitly be expecting them to change, to apologize to rectify their wrongdoing. I'm also hoping that they then would rescue me and say, you know what? I did something terrible to you and I want to help you. I want to make this all Basser. I want to X, Y, and Z. And so. I'm sorry that pointing. Blaming them, but then I'm also wanting the person who hurt me to also rescue me. So with this. We then enter this really complex dynamic Y. The person who has potentially been abusive or hurtful, whether it be objectively, whether it be. Intentionally or unintentionally, but the person who has done the hurtful behaviors. We're also hoping for them to rescue. You. We're Herbing them to save you. We're hoping them to amend their behaviors, but we're also putting on a lot of hope on this individual. We're putting on a lot of responsibility on this individual. We're putting on a lot of demand and requirement on this individual. Side note hair. I'm not as all saying that they shouldn't apologize. Um, Obviously, if they apologize, that would be nice if they change their behaviors again, that would be great. If it came from a genuine place of them wanting to rectify that wrongdoing. That would, of course be nice. Of course it would be because then it would either give you two, a chance of improving your relationship and being able to continue and having a fulfilling. A successful relationship. Or if you ended the relationship, actually, then at least they wouldn't be hurting other people in terms of their own relationships with our own onward journey in life. So of course them changing and them no longer doing those harmful things. I would be really nice. But for you to set that, needing them to change. That's a whole different story, because if you need them to change, you're automatically placing power and control in their hands. When they're the ones who actually hurt you. And nobody should have that level of control or power over you because you're basically sat there, pointing the finger, saying you hurt me, but you're also wanting them to validate your pain, your hoping, but you, by you pointing the finger that they would then turn around saying, you know what? I agree, I did hurt you. I did something awful to you. And by them admitting that that's also them validating your pain. That's also them recognizing that they did something that was hurtful, disrespectful, abusive, critical, dismissive. But your ultimately waiting and hoping that they can validate your injury. The truth is. Your injury has always been violated. You do not need somebody else to tell you yes, you are right for feeling this or no, you're not because your feeling is your feeling and your feeling is. A million percent valid. It's always been valid. And so you don't need them. To change and for them to validate your emotions, it would be nice. Don't get me wrong. It would be nice. But for you to need, it would also mean that you would remain in victim hood. And you're relying on them to rescue you. And the problem is, is that if you rely on them to rescue you, if you're relying on them to validate your emotions, to say, Hey, you know what? Yes, I did hurt you. And then all of a sudden you feel relieved. If that's what you're relying on. You will always remain of XM because they will always hold the power. They will always hold the control because. Your looking for that validation and that support externally from them that actually you don't feel empowered enough in yourself to stand up and say, you know what? That socks. That hurts. I'm going to change course here. I'm going to do something different here. And that's true empowerment. So people who are not wanting to answer this victim had state. Uh, people who would genuinely wanting to empower themselves, this really comes from in-depth work. So this really comes from looking inwardly and really considering what is actually going on here for me. How do I feel about the situation? And can I find the pallet inside of me? To change direction, to shift, to move towards my deeper desire. And let me tell you this, you have ample resources inside of you far beyond what you consciously know. That you can draw upon. And what I mean by that is, you know, often, particularly when we're feeling really injured and we feeling vulnerable and we're feeling heads, those states are really painful. And sometimes we do need external support and, you know, the external support would come from trusted individuals. So by trusted individuals, I'm talking about people who you feel safe around, who, you know, are reliable, who, you know, are loyalty. You. Those would be trusted individuals. But. When you are looking in with lane. Often you'll notice the pain. You'll notice the vulnerability. That's the thing that screams out the loudest. However, there will be another part of you that feel small resource. There'll be another part of you that is able to tap into a sense of strength. That's able to tap into kindness, compassion, empathy, like you are able to be kind with. A stranger or your friends, or like you're able to have supportive comments to wards, a friend who might be struggling or a family member, like you're able to problem solve for other people. That in itself shows if you're able to do that for the people you have that skill set somewhere inside of you. We just need to be able to utilize it and actually direct it towards yourself. So often what people end up looking like core and to pick spray. Syrian saying is that they will work so, so hard to support their friends, to be counting towards other people, show compassion tools of the people to help them problem solve. Given practical supports. On the, do all of that for other people. And that is really showing that level of results. That's really empowered. That's really active. That's really proactive. And that's actually progressing, not moving further in life. That's actually moving towards. People's goals, right? And if you're able to do that and support your friends with that own goals, whatever it might be in their own lives. Actually, we really need to be redirecting that energy towards you. And often people have this resistance around doing that. And that's because it's actually to do with our self-worth. So often people would see that their friends are more worthy or have higher value somehow compared to themselves. And so their friends. Yeah, it's right. That I'm supporting my friend. So I'm not, I'm giving them all this attention, love and cab because that with it. But then when I ask my clients the same question of, well, uh, you not worth that level of care and attention and love and support from yourself. Then the not sure then they kind of question themselves and they pause and it feels. Tense. Because they have this question around. Well, how good. And if I'm, I am I really worthy to receive this level of CA. And that in itself is part of the crux of why people end up remain in victim hood, state. Because they're really uncertain about themselves. They've been injured. They have been injured. Of course they have been. But at the same time, they're not sure about their own worth of rescuing themselves or validating themselves or getting up and empowering themselves to move towards their deeper desire. Actually, the sitting there in victim heard pointing the finger, blaming their partner for doing X, Y, and Zed. And again, it's not say that abusive behaviors are. Uh, okay. Or just fight. Not all saying that, but the, but the issue is, is that you're sat there, pointing the finger. Blaming the person, but also hoping for the rescue to calm. You're hoping for the validation. To calm to say, you know what? You are worthy enough of getting cat love and attention. But you're relying full, not validation from somebody who has actually caused you that injury. And so you end up forever remaining and perpetuating the spectrum heard. And so people you end up in these long-term relationships with this particular dynamic, what often ends up happening is, is that hateful behavior happens. I feel hurt. I point the finger. We have conversation. It might turn into an explosive argument or it might be a silence treatment, or it might be. Uh, really way to phase in the relationship. They apologize. At some point I feel a bit better because they've apologized. I've been rescued. My emotions have been validated. All my worth has been validated. But in that title. I am literally giving them the power. They have power and control over how I feel about my worth on how valid I. I am. And so the cycle then repeats itself. Right? Because then the next document happens that pointing the finger. I feel hurt. I feel like I'm a victim. I'm waiting for them to validate me. They come over, they rescue me. They apologize. I feel better. And you can see the cycle just repeats itself again and again, and again. But with all of this, you are remaining within victim hood. So a true empowered state would be. Choosing. To not point the finger. And this might be a really hard thing for people to get their heads around. And this might be quite evoking for some people. But the reality is, is that the more that you point the finger, the more that you remain in blaming. Then it also means the more that you're accepting victim hood. And again, it's not to say that I'm condoning. Persecutory behaviors. I'm not condoning abusive behaviors at all. But what I'm saying is, is that it's really about looking at it from an objective sense. So the objective sense would be that behavior. We'll snot. Okay. So not labeling the person, but we're labeling the behavior. Distinction, please label the behavior what's they did specifically was not. Okay. And it was hurtful. It socks. What now, what am I going to do now? And so it's really about this question of what now and the what now is really tapping into what resources do I have. And so by the fact that I'm labeling their behavior, rather than pointing the finger at the human being. Then I am reducing the risk of me falling into victim hood. That that in itself is a crucial stage. And so that is also saying, well, what now? Do I want to stay in the situation where I'm giving them power, where I'm relying on them for an apology where I'm relying on them for validation. Well, actually the, what now would be, I know. That I've been hurt that in itself is my own validation. I don't need somebody to tell me that I've been hurt because I know that I've been hurt. Like I can feel that emotion inside of me. And so when you've recognized that, and when you've entered that self-validation state. Then you can start experiencing and really a feeling around inside of yourself. What parts of me feel most resourced? And so the part of me that might feel most resourced, an easy way of tapping into that is considering, well, if a friend was going through a situation, what would I be doing for my friend? How would I want to respond? What would my friend need in this moment? And the more that you're able to connect to that, the easier is then to start really recognize saying, how can I embody this and implement it towards myself as if I'm treating myself. As if I was treating a friend. Because when we really get to that stage, Then we are starting to really have this internal conversation. It's almost like this internal dialogue. And I'm calling a dialogue rather than a monologue, because it is different parts of us talking to each other. So we've got the part of us that feels vulnerable. That saying, I feel really hurt. And then there's a part of us that feels more resource that talks to the part that feels hats and says. That's okay. You didn't need that behavior. You didn't need to tolerate that abuse. Actually, we need to feel protected. And so these parts of you that want to protect yourself, well, how are we going to be more protected? And so the protection make home from. Having a Clara boundary or it might be from changing our behavior from not really exposing our vulnerability in a particular sense, or it might be in terms of gaining professional support. Uh, how do I have a way at Lux, but we're really needing to step into our own pallet because the more that we remain in victim hood, the more we will remain in victim hood. And quite frankly, that doesn't really get us anyway. And again, I'm not dismissing your pain at all, but actually if you're really wanting to step into an empowered place, it is really by stepping out of victim hood and gathering your resources. As a, would this, it's also about connecting to professional support, really about getting tools and methods in terms of how can I actually rewire my internal framework? Because the more resourced you are in the more empowered. You all. I guess waltz these dynamics in terms of the hurtful behaviors that you will or have been experiencing in your relationships that is much less likely to occur, and it's less likely to occur because. For someone who is empowered, who is strong in that power. They don't attract that kind of energy from that partner or if they, even if they remain in the same relationship. But watch what happens is, is that if that partner then. Evokes or repeat some of the behaviors, actually the responses from you would be very different and you then end that cycle. Of having that back and forth, difficult dynamic with your partner. A bit because you're so empowered and you're so resourced that your no longer tolerating it, you're no longer engaging in it because you no longer giving them that level of power to validate you or to be in control of your relations, that actually you hold all of that power. And so it should be right. Nobody should have that level of control over anybody. And so I'd love to hear. What your thoughts are and what your reflections are in. Please. If you're wanting to get empowered in your relationship. Feel free to contact me at my details are in the show notes below. And until next time, take care. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.