Loving their potential, not their reality: 3 things to watch out for

In this discussion, we're exploring the recurring question of whether someone is in love with the reality of their relationship or if they're enamored with the potential of their partner. The speaker delves into scenarios where individuals might be facing challenges and repeating patterns in their relationships. The central question posed is whether one loves their partner for who they are or if they're holding onto an idealized vision of what the partner could become.

The talk emphasizes three key considerations:

1. Love Bombing and Grand Gestures: The speaker urges listeners to examine if there has been an element of love bombing in the relationship, where partners shower each other with extravagant affection, possibly masking underlying insecurities. Grand gestures, while appealing, may not be sustainable or reflective of day-to-day reality.
2. Self-Esteem and Acceptance of Bad Behaviors: The discussion highlights the impact of low self-esteem on the perception of worthiness in a relationship. Individuals with insecurities might put their partners on pedestals, accepting harmful behaviors because they feel deserving of such treatment. This leads to tolerating difficulties in the hope of achieving potential future happiness.
3. Neurological Processing of Reality: The speaker explores how the brain might blur the line between reality and imagination. The subconscious defense mechanisms could come into play, emphasizing positive characteristics and downplaying negative aspects, creating an exaggerated, idealized version of the partner.

The advice is to step back, evaluate day-to-day interactions, and consider if the relationship aligns with one's values and provides stability. The speaker encourages self-reflection and seeking professional support if necessary, emphasizing the importance of embracing the reality of the relationship for true growth and improvement.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hi friends. We all going to be talking about this question of, am I in love with reality or am I in love with that potential? And this is something that comes up time and time again. And I see it when I'm working with couples or with individuals. And the story will often go something like this. I've been with my partner. Things used to be really good things could be good. They've got a loss of positive qualities T them, I love them. They've got some really great characteristics. But I don't actually know what's happening. We've been arguing, we've been going back and forth. We've been cycling in the same problems again and again, and again. And I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to make myself feel any better. I don't know how to respond anymore. And so we're constantly in this battle, in this turmoil. And. The question that's either explicitly asked by clients or it's actually something that's going on into the surface, but ultimately the question somewhere is, do you want me to love my partner? Am I in love with my partner or do I just love the potential of who they could be? And this is something that's crucial for us to investigate and really explore really unstamped because this will allow us to figure out well, how sustainable, how viable is this relationship? Often the biggest issue that will come up, AEs thoughts, people all so in love with the potential, their partner that they actually forget about the reality of who they are, how they are. Um, the. Concrete nature of how their relationship comes out. And so that constantly in bottling in turmoil, really wishing and hoping and waiting for the beautiful potential, this idealized Remont sized fantasize to vision that they have in their mind of what it could be. And they're tolerating a lot of pain. They're tolerating the difficulty of the now for this imagined potential. But the reality is, is that the potential may or may not happen. And so that's something to really consider because if it doesn't happen, then you're ultimately just staying in a space of pain in the hope that it will. So it's almost like this dangling carrot in front of you. And you're so focused in on the carrot that you don't really care about how exhausted you are. You're just constantly running for like carrots, but sometimes you never get that carrot. Right. And so it's really figuring out actually, am I in love with that reality? Or am I in love with the potential? Because that in itself will really get you to think hard about what is the viability of this relationship? Is this relationship something that is truly aligned with me? And really looking at some hard questions in terms of, well, If this does have the possibility. I know that the reality isn't quite much at the possibility actually, what is it that could be done, that we could work towards the potential that we could get to that space, why it does feel incredible. It feels meaningful. It feels fulfilling. And we're both aligned with each other. Now let's dive in. So there are three main things I really want you to watch out for when you're considering this question of, am I in love with the reality, or am I in love with the potential of who they could be? The Fest question. Really that Springs to my mind when I'm working with people is what is their experience says with this partner throughout that term of their relationship? And so. It's really looking about how that relationship is evolved over time. And let's say if it's a short term relationship and then all of a sudden they are infatuated with their partner, but then they're experiencing a lot difficulties, locked dynamics, a lot of arguments, a lot of controversy. What might be happening in that moment is that actually. There's an issue of love bombing that has happened at the start, or even if it was a long term relationship, but they might've been cycling through periods of difficulty, periods of pain, periods of criticism, harshness, abuse, manipulation. But then in comes in the love bombing phase as well. So the first sign, really to watch out for it. Hot is. Has that been an element of love bombing going on? And so for you to really investigate this as when you have experienced grand gestures of affection from your partner, particularly one, it wasn't really just Fido. It was kind of contextually, not really the norm. So they might have taken you off to Paris for the weekend. Two weeks after you guys have met. Or it might have been some really, uh, luxurious vacations when it was just kind of spur of the moment. It was just really random. And so, you know, this is something to really consider because the thing is, is that all these things are really nice and actually to be on the receiving end of lift bombing. Feels good. Right? Like you wouldn't want to go away for the weekend or who wouldn't want to be treated really, really well. Uh, the reason why it is definitely something to consider though is because this is out of the norm. This is not something that is sustainable or viable. And for the fact that something is really, really Grund in terms of the gesture and it doesn't really marry up to what you would expect. Day-to-day. Or you wouldn't expect it in a sustainable, secure, safe relationship. Is because that person that you're with isn't necessarily that safe. Oh, so what I mean by this? And the reason why people often love bomb is because that wanting to show you that they are amazing. And the wanting to hook you in to the relationship. And so, uh, just to really explain psychology behind it. So the person who's doing the love bombing, they often have a very, very fragile sense of eager and very fragile sense of self with. Now, this is really underneath the surface. So very cool. They're actually feeling really, really fraught child worried that there'll be abandoned, that frightened of being abandoned. They believe that nobody really loves them to that. Very cool unconditionally. Wrapped up in that is a sensitive superiority. The sons of To see the sense of defensiveness. And so they're working very, very hard to avoid other people, seeing their fragility to see that they actually really fair. Questions around their worth. They really fair that other people will not see them worthy. So the low self-worth that's very, very deep, hidden at that core. Over that is the sense of defensiveness, because they're really trying to protect anyone, seeing their fragility, because they're worried that if anybody sees them. And CC vulnerabilities that people will definitely leave. So, so they work really hard to defend and protect against that. Over that is a layer of superiority. So they might actually be really grand dairy similar. The elements of narcissism, either traits or full on narcissistic personality disorder. And then with that, you also experienced love bombing. So where they present themselves with really, really, really grand gestures. And Paul, if that is to say, Hey, you know what? I am capable. Uh, doing all of these amazing things, therefore I am worthy because guess what? Like you. You're not going to say somebody. Is not worthy if that taking you away on vacation and they're doing these really grunt. Gestures for you. You're not going to say to them much. That's not cut enough. You're likely to get hooked in and you'll likely say, wow, this is incredible. And the fact that you'll say, wow, this is incredible. That really. Feeds. That sense of what I thought really helps them to feel better at that core. And your guessing hooks into the relationship as well. You're kind of getting caught off guard. And actually you, the receiver of the lift bombing your investing more and more into that relationship. And so what happens in this space of look bombing is that you're really witnessing that potential because they have the potential of showing you that much affection, that much attention, that much care, respect. Love. And what you're really seeing is the possibility of what that relationship could be. It's not to say, what is the reality or what is sustainable or what you will see day in, day out. But you are witnessing the potential of what it could be. Now when it's something that's really grand. And if it almost feels like actually this relationship is either nothing at all, or it's really hurtful versus the other extreme end of really grand gestures. And there's nothing in between. There's like no shades of gray, it's all black or white. If that's the case. Then chances are your remaining hook 10 based on the hope that you're going to get that love bombing again, that you're going to get that potential again, because they've shown it to you before you've witnessed it you've felt incredible during it like the level of dopamine, the level of oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins, all of the feel-good hormones, but also the fact that you were treated so well, that feels incredible. And so you're almost at the stage where you're tolerating the block in order to get to the white. Aren't you're recognizing that there's no shades of gray, whereas for a sustainable, healthy relationship. Sure. You might get grand gestures now and again, but actually there are shades of gray right there. Little ups in their little downs. Um, the fluctuations are miniature, but the fluctuations are normal and they're frequent and that's actually part of having a sustainable relationship. And figuring out whether that is a gray zone, the gray zone. Indicates the actually it's a healthy relationship and that is the thing that's sustainable. And so you're witnessing the reality of thoughts. Whereas if your reality is either black or white, it's all on a thing then actually that is the reality. And what you're in love with is the potential of the love bombing. So that in itself would give you an indicator actually. Am I just waiting for the dangling carrot? And eventually I get a bit of a lick from that carrot, or am I just in the statewide? I'm actually in love with our reality. So, so that's something really to consider. The second points can set at AEs issues around your self esteem, self worth, and self confidence. This is absolutely crucial because often when people are feeling fragile in terms of their self-worth and they're really unsure about actually, am I good enough to be loved? Do people really care about me? Do people really love me. Do people really feel that I'm worthy without these conditions? I'm not. She just good enough. Just the way that I am. If people have a lot of insecurities around that will often happens, is this phenomenon around comparison? Now automatically we have this mechanism and it's biologically ingrained that we compare ourselves to other people. And from an evolutionary perspective, we compare ourselves to the people more for a sense of protection. So we're trying to figure out what our position is in the world and how we navigate the world by figuring out. Why we stand on? W why other people stunned. So, uh, from a biological perspective, we've actually developed this comparison more first survival mode. For a survival mechanism when we were cave people. However, now we don't necessarily need to survive to that level, but actually the comparison mechanism is still that. And so no one would comparing where really comparing our sense of worth. And we're seeing are we good enough compared to the next person to the next person, to the next person? And sometimes we're asking all we go to nephro partner. And so when we are in that state of asking ourselves, are we good enough? And we're really questioning and doubting ourselves and our self worth. We end up ultimate sickly placing our partner on a pedestal because we don't feel good enough. Therefore, they must be better than us to some degree. And so if they're better than us, to some degree, we are more likely to fall in love with that potential and tolerate a painful reality. Here's what happens is that if we're perceiving our self-worth to be low, We're also likely to accept. Bad behaviors. We're also likely to accept more harmful behaviors or behaviors that are equivalent to a low self worth. So it's often this question of. I don't feel very good about myself. This is the treatment that I'm receiving that for. I must be worth this treatment. So if my partner is criticizing me, Then I must be worth that criticism because that's what I'm getting. But also that is what I'm worthy of. And so you end up getting trapped in this loop around self-criticism and low self worth. And you're tolerating. Uh, difficult behaviors from your partner. And you're also giving those difficult behaviors of permission slip. You're almost justifying those difficult behaviors because you feel like it's equivalent chore with. And with this Cassie GRI, your tolerating. Difficult behaviors, which is the reality. And you're hoping for the promise that at some point you will be good enough at some point, the criticism will end because you've worked so, so hard at improving yourself, whatever it might be. So let's say your partner is constantly criticizing you. Uh, let's say if it was for your body weight for your appearance, for your intelligence, and then you work really hard at that thing. You're really hurtful that the moment that you improve in that realm, then all of a sudden you will get that carrots, right. You will get that potential. And so your, your, basically on this treadmill, trying to avoid rejection. And so the reality that you've got that is that you've got this. Overbearing shadow this overbearing cloud. Of possible rejection. And you're running really hard tools. The sunlight tools, the sun that's in the distance. But it's almost like it's the sun that's setting and you're constantly moving towards the sunlight is setting. You never quite get to full sunlight because you're constantly driving in the same direction. Where is setting? And so your, your in this moment where you're looking for the potential, I E. Seeing the full sun. But you never quite get there. And your reality is that you'll just escaping rejection and rejection is driving very closely behind you. The third thing to consider in terms of, am I in love with that potential? Or am I in love with our reality? Is really neurologically based. Now. Our brain. Each tree cannot tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined. It really cannot tell the difference. So that's why sometimes, you know, when you're in a dream, it feels so, so real in that moment. And that's because your brain is literally taking it as if it's fact. And that's why sometimes when you wake up soon after a bad dream, let's say your still pops hating. You still feel like you're in it. And it takes you a few seconds to kind of orient yourself. Again, it's because your brain believes that thoughts, reality. But just to highlight the point, the brain does not know what is real and what is imagined. And that is also applicable when you're considering, am I in love with the reality of my partner or am I in love with the potential of my partner? And so what I often see, and I see this a lot with clients or people, you approach me on various different platforms and they say, you know what? My partner has X, Y, and Z characteristics. They're really funny. They're really good looking than nice to the people that this, the thought, whatever it might be, but, you know, the point. All of these characteristics that they believe a really desirable about that partner. And so they talk about it. So, so much. Almost to the point where that justifying difficulties in that relationship and then justifying issues around communication that I can't express myself, that actually I'm hiding parts of my identity.'cause, I don't want to be ashamed that I don't want to be rejected. And then the Army's justifying all the difficult things that are happening within the relationship. And the using reasons such as oh, but my partner has all of these great qualities. So it's kind of okay if I tolerate these spot things, because you know, there's some good stuff as well. And so what happens in that moment is that the brain Archie gets a little bit confused. And so it recognizes that there are these difficult things it tries to defend. And so this is when your subconscious defense mechanisms kick in, it tries to defend against looking at how difficult these bot things, all. And actually how much this is impacting your life and the sustainability of the relationship. If you all can to continue bearing these spot things. Nine of tries to avoid all of that and it defends and it protects against that telling yourself different stories. In lieu of prioritizing. Oh, but they're great. They're this? They're that. These are all the amazing qualities. And so what happens is that you'll then end up almost fantasizing this potential possibility of what your partner could be like, what they could do, how they could behave in a relationship. You all really delving into that. Funtasy and the coolest fantasy, because. You all. Over emphasizing all of their great qualities and your brain is literally then starting to create neural circuits that go around and around and around enforcing that good qualities, that potential good qualities, but so much so that where over amping it. And we make it seem to be far better than what the concrete reality is. If you were just looking at a TV screen and you were watching somebody else who was the same in terms of their behaviors or characteristics, We amp it up and we also mute the difficulties. We kind of ignore it. We suppress it. We dismiss that. We define the gate set. We avoid it. But basically we're muting the difficulties. Which might actually be the reality in Lewis, this imagined potential. And the imagined potential is really based on potential characteristics that they might have. But where over egging it we're really overemphasizing how great those characteristics are and where. Almost pushing ourselves to be more and more in love with that individual because they have simple characteristic. So, uh, just to kind of illustrate something. So I remember talking to a client of mine. A while back on, she was saying to me that there was this relationship that she was in and it was an on and off relationship in all fairness. And she said to me, oh, But, you know what, though? He's really funny. So when I asked her. Why. So what's actually kept you together and then she just kept repeating the same sentence. Oh, yeah, no, he's really funny. And you know, we got on, he's really funny. And I kind of looked at her and I was like, well, this is your relationship just based on the fact that he's funny. And she kind of stumbled and she saw the it's walking a little bit around the subjects and saying, yeah, but you know, he's nice and we have fun together and we're able to laugh together and you know, those sorts. That's what it's all about really essence. And let's hit her in a sense, but. Uh, the people not funny. Like, do you have friends love funny as well? And, you know, rancid this conversation in terms of, well, actually, just because they have this great characteristic and I'm not saying that you shouldn't go for someone who's funny. Um, but just for the fact that somebody has this characteristic, are we over egging? Egging it, whereas actually other people may possess the same characteristic as well. So you could also be in a different relationship with somebody else who is also funny, but they also have various different characteristics. Which you all aligned with that is much Shang up with your values and in that relationship, Then that would be more of your reality. Whereas here, the reality is, is that funny? And then there's not a whole lot else. And so it's really considering, well, what is the reality of that characteristic? So that potential, and it's only slight stepping outside of your head for a moment. And. You know, the, the biggest advice I would give is almost looking at them as if you're watching them on TV. So if you were to imagine that you're no longer in this, you're not in this relationship, you never actually met this person in reality, but you've been watching this TV show and you got to know this person via the TV show. You've been watching them. How'd you actually feel about them watching how they are, how they act. How do you feel about that concrete on current reality? Because this is the thing that we're really working with. And so, uh, If any of this resonates for you listening, I would really advise that you stop to record. Day-to-day what your interactions are like, what your conversations, like, what your values are like. Are they aligned? Are your characteristics signed as well? And how extreme the highs and lows that you have in your relationship, because the more that you understand that the more that you can then figure out, is this the reality, or is this a potential I'm in love with ha. And also it's figuring out actually, if it's got a potential, but the reality isn't quite aligned to the potential. And this is the potential that I'm really looking for that is really seeking out professional support in terms of watching, how can we resolve some of these issues, these triggers, these difficulties that come up between each year that you'll cycling around. Because the more that you can resolve these, the more that you can step into something that feels healthier. Because if you're just constantly chasing the potential, as opposed to really embodying the reality and being okay with the reality, then the truth is, is that actually the something. Not okay in the relationship, but something that needs adjusting the something that really means deep assessment. And re-evaluating. Where is being more accepting, being in a state of content with the reality that in itself can give you a level of stability, a level of grounding, and there's always scope to improve. There's always scope to connect more to. Love each other more to embody each other more, to embrace each other more and to really grow together and nurture together. But it's really figuring out actually am. I just took since the sponsee that is imagined in my mind. I'm not so thing that I'm really hoping for and I'm tolerating the bad stuff and almost dismissing the bad stuff. Or am I really sense in reality? And it's the reality that I'm looking to improve. If any of this resonates with you, please get in touch. My details are in the show notes below, and until next time, take out. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.