"My husband is too critical" or am I overthinking it?

I discuss how individuals often question whether their feelings of anxiety or insecurity are self-generated or provoked by their partner's behavior. I emphasize the importance of discerning between personal issues and those originating from the partner, as failing to do so can lead to ongoing anxiety and uncertainty within the relationship.

I illustrate how individuals often initially blame themselves, assuming their anxieties are unfounded, but over time, these behaviors persist, leading to confusion when attempting to address them with the partner. I explain how you may unwittingly internalize blame, leading to a normalization of problematic behaviors in the relationship.

Furthermore, I explore the concept of projections, explaining how your personal histories and insecurities influence behavior within relationships. I discuss examples where individuals attempt to compensate for perceived inadequacies by striving to meet unrealistic standards set by themselves or their partners. These behaviors, rooted in childhood experiences, become projected onto the relationship, shaping interactions and dynamics.

I encourage introspection to identify and challenge these deeply ingrained beliefs, emphasizing the need for professional support to navigate these complexities effectively. I stress the importance of understanding your own projections before attempting to address issues within the relationship, as this clarity enables you to communicate more effectively and work towards mutual healing and growth as a couple.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hello my friends. Today we are going to be talking about this question of is it me or is it my partner? And this is something that comes up so many times when I'm working with clients or even people that approach me on various different platforms. But the question is, is it me or is it them? I'm feeling really anxious. I'm feeling panicked. I Don't know what is going on. I feel like I'm on edge all the time. I'm constantly questioning myself. I'm constantly questioning whether I'm the person who Is just anxious for no reason and I'm the 1 who's being hypersensitive or I'm the 1 who's worrying about something when the signs aren't really there? Or is my partner doing certain things that is hurt for? Is my partner the 1 that's actually evoking these insecurities inside of me? Are they the ones who are actually betraying me or they're doing things that are hurtful? Whether that be objectively hurtful or just implicitly hurtful, but but it's actually them and it's not me. I'm simply detecting that they're doing something that's harmful. And this real distinction between is it me or is it them is absolutely crucial that we figure out what the truth is because if you don't know the truth you are going to Constantly be in battle, you're constantly going to be in the state of anxiety, the state of uncertainty, insecurity, and you're not going to know how to respond to your partner. But also, you're not going to know how to respond to your own emotions, to your own thoughts, the things that come up inside of you? Because you don't know what the truth is. You don't know how to navigate these things. And more often than not, when I see people who in this state? They've been in this state for a long time. And, you know, whether it be weeks, months, or years? But they've been in this state of I don't know, is it me or is it them? And they're constantly questioning this. They're constantly in this dilemma. And for me, what's really sad about seeing this is the fact that they've been struggling for this level of time. Because often, the typical response, and I don't know if this is true for you is that people will assume it's them to begin with and they'll say oh maybe I'm just being a bit instead of here or maybe I just read that message wrong or maybe I'm just a bit too hyper alert about this. Maybe I'm the 1 who's being anxious for no particular reason? And so often what happens is is that people take on board these messages, and they start looking inwardly. They start themselves and they start believing actually it's all me and it's nothing to do with my partner. But then as time goes on, these behaviors go on, The problem goes on. Everything's maintained. It's really hard to have these conversations, and you know it gets to a part where Everybody is so used to this particular pattern that if you do decide to bring it up in conversation with your partner, let's say in a couple of months time even though you've been enduring it for this long it becomes really confusing for your partner because It's been normal for a few months. Right? And so the moment that you start bringing it up as if it's an issue, it doesn't compete for them because they're like, what the hell? Like, I thought This was fine. We've been fine for a long time. Uh, now you're suddenly bringing this up as if it's problematic. But how could it be problematic? Because you treated it like it was normal. You actually took on board all of this anxiety and you placed it on yourself as if it was your anxiety to own and I had no doing in it. And so the moment that you start broaching your partner about it and saying, hey, you know what? I'm actually really not comfortable with this or this thing is making me really anxious or really apprehensive. It's making me question myself. It's making me question the relationship. It's confusing to the partner who's all of a sudden receiving this message and partly it's because we've operated in a way that it's been normal. Right? Because you are the 1 who has taken on the blame, but then you've gotten to a point where, you know what, this has been ongoing for quite a long time that I'm really struggling to sustain it here and something's gotta give, something's going to snap. It's either me or the relationship or my partner or that something is going to give. And so all of a sudden you I get to this point of actually is it just me or is them? And I can't be holding all of this. Like, I'm trying my very best to manage my own anxieties. I'm trying very much my very best to calm myself down, But somehow it's not working because the same problem keeps getting invoked in me again and again and again. So let's talk about how do we process this and also how do we definitively Stan? Is it me or is it them? Who's bringing what to the table? Because I'll be totally frank with you guys that Either partner or both partners should I say is always bringing something to the table because we do not operate in isolation So you have history before your partner ever existed in your life, and guess what your partner also had history before you ever existed in their life. And so when we come into a relationship together we don't come in isolation. We don't just home all of a sudden and we are clean slates at the moment that the relationship is conceived but no we actually bring in our history And they bring in their history as well. And so in the relationship dynamic, it's both of our histories communicating with each other. And that's when things start to become really complicated. Of it? And it becomes really blurry, and it's unclear whether it's me and my history that's talking here, or if it's them in their history that's talking here or perhaps it's actually both and we're both evoking each other in different ways? So let's figure this out. Now the first thing that I would say, and this is really the first step is figuring out what your personal projections are, and I'm saying that you need to start off with you at your own point? This is vital and if this doesn't occur then you can kind of forget about rest and I'm just being completely frank. Apologies if that seems a bit blunt but I'll always be honest with you now we need to start with yourself. And when I'm talking about projections, what this really entails is that We all come with history. You've had your own history. And so we're talking about your upbringing. We're talking about the relationships that you would have had with parents, which, by the way, has a significant impact in terms of how you develop your relationships in the future. And it has a significant impact in 2 different ways. So first way is how you were treated by your parents and how you ended up feeling. Whether or not it was maliciously intended by your parents because I get a lot of people who say to me hey but my parents meant well, so I don't really understand why I'm like this, that that's that's besides the point. And I'm not here to blame anybody's parents at all, but why I'm here to say is is that sometimes parents make mistakes inadvertently. They don't mean to but sometimes they do stuff absent mindedly And they're also human. Right? Our parents are all flawed. They all have things that are missing and it's just things that children need and we all have these wounds these pain points that have been developed from our upbringing. Some wounds are deeper and bigger than Liz? But that's okay. And, again, I'm not here to blame any parent, but what I am here to say is the Importance of recognizing what was actually created inside of you as a consequence of how you were treated by your parents. So Let's say if they had really high expectations and you had to work really hard to be loved or to receive affection or to receive approval to get the thumbs up from them to get a pat on the back? If that was the case, then even though they may have had high expectations because they actually wanted due to perform really well in life? So the intention might have been good, but actually the consequence of how they treated you was that you ended up developing this sense of, Oh, I need to work really really hard to make other people like me. Otherwise, I risk rejection. And so it's actually that sense that you develop the feeling that you get as a consequence that's the thing that carries throughout your life and all the way up until adulthood And this is the part of you that gets projected into a relationship. And so how it would work or look like is that You may be with your current partner or maybe it was with past partners, but it'll be with somebody, and You'll be working really hard to show them the best parts of you, the the most attractive sides of you, and you might be working harder and harder and harder to show just how attractive you are. And so so for example, and I'll give a couple of examples with clients that I've worked with? So it might be that, you know, when you're first starting to date, you're very pleasant, you're very polite, you dress really nicely, plea and you, uh, show all the good qualities about yourself. And by the way, this is pretty normal. Um, but as time goes on rather than you almost being open to the fact that you've got flaws like everybody else and They see you with bad hair in the morning or they smell your morning breath, whatever it might be. Instead of that happening, You actually up your game, so you may then go on crazy diets to lose a lot of weight. Or I know that I've had 1 client in particular where historically, this was before we started working together. What she would do in relationships is that she would present or best side? But she was in this long term relationship, and what she ended up doing was she would have several medical procedures, cosmetic of procedures to make herself look better and better and better and it was almost as though the, uh, bar was constantly being raised because even though she felt like she may have pleased him at some point, her partner at the time that is, then all of a sudden it it didn't feel enough and so she had to go level the next level the next level and particularly with age she had more Botox, she had her eyelashes doing, she ad? A couple of different procedures anyway, and and it was almost as though she just wanted to keep up with the original perfect image that she thought was perfect? And in this, there is a huge sense That what she was actually projecting into the relationship and stuff that she was actually doing was all rooted in this sense of I need to work really hard to please other people, to make sure that other people like me, to make sure that my partner likes me? And if I don't work really hard, then I risk them rejecting me? And in this particular client, for example, she was really focused in on her appearance. But I know with other clients that I've worked with, They focus in on slightly different things. So it might be I work really really hard in terms of buying my partner gifts, in terms So taking them out on various luxurious states, doing grand gestures for them, or it might be I work really really hard at my career so that I earn more money so that I can support my partner and actually show them how great life could be with me financially because I'm giving them that level of security or it could be that I'm working incredibly hard and driving and achieving so much so that my partner sees how intelligent I am and so therefore they must love me even more? And or or at least maintain that relationship, maintain that affection? And so whatever it is, uh, the the person is constantly working really really hard to make sure that their partner still wants to be with them, still wants Stick around. And this is all a projection of how they feel about themselves. Else? Because I'll tell you now, the number of couples that I have worked with whereby their partner is their saying, but I don't I don't get it because I don't actually want to criticize. I've I've not criticized you, have I? Like, I don't think I'm criticizing you. And and, you know, you you were great. You look perfect. Sizing you? And and, you know, you were great. You look perfect before the cosmetic procedures. So I don't really care if you You earn this much or this much. It doesn't make any difference. So you know and it gets really confusing. Right? Because the person who's working so so hard is adamant, absolutely adamant that their actions are going to make their partner like them even more, All of them even more rather. And they're adamant that this is what they need to do in order to maintain the relationship and that they believe somewhere in their mind that their partner is demanding all of these things from them. However, in reality all of this actually comes from you, from that person? Because those are familiar messages from history. Now I've also worked with couples whereby it's looked different, So in the sense that perhaps they weren't striving as much to begin with, but something then got evoked by their partner and it was objectively It was evoked on a real sense, on a concrete sense, and so, uh, they ended up working harder and harder. So, uh, just as an example. I know with 1 client that I work with, she's in her late thirties now, but I remember meeting her when she is in her early thirties. Uh, I've not worked with her for a while by the way, but, uh, I remember when I met her in her early thirties what she noticed in terms of her relationship was that she was constantly wanting to improve herself. She already had a trait of wanting to work hard to please other people or she was worried that other people would reject her and so her level of worth was conditional to how she performed how as she looked? But actually there was a lot of stuff that was explicitly being evoked by her partner. So for instance her partner, he did have stick tendencies and her partner would say things like you've gained a bit of weight there shouldn't you go to the gym And she would go to the gym. She lost a ton of weight and then it was the next thing. Hey, you're a bit skinny there. Do Do you not think you should build some abs? And so therefore she had to go back to the gym and build some abs and and so the the journey that she was going on was never ending because the level of criticism, the level of expectations. All of these things were never ending and so in that situation this latter example that I'm talking about we can see that actually it's not just her but it was the projection of her partner as well. And like at the very start what I was is talking about is that we all come into relationships with our own history. You and your partner. So there's always going to be something that you project into the relationship and there's always going to be something that they project into the relationship as well. So in the latter example that I gave what The the lady, the woman that I was talking about, what she was projecting me into the relationship was my worth is conditional upon how I look or upon how I perform. And so she already had this belief inside of her that I would only be loved if I did x y and z to please my partner. And so she ended up with a partner who explicitly was telling her You need to improve yourself otherwise I'm going to back away. I'm going to end up with somebody else because this relationship isn't enough for me. And so what he was projecting was incredibly incredibly high expectations, a huge level of criticism and This huge power imbalance. And so from his history so I did couples work with them, and then from his history, He experienced a lot of traumas and a lot of them were based on abandonment. A lot of them were based on this power imbalance, And he could never be good enough. And so what he was projecting into the relationship Chip is that if he can't be good enough nobody else can be either. And so he was very much projecting into her that hey it doesn't doesn't matter what you do because you will never be enough. And she already had this projection of I need to work harder in order to be better. And so you can see how these 2 people, uh, evoked and projected into each other's wounds, into each other's vulnerable points. And so they were just upping the game up and up and up from from both sides? And so both of them were caught up in this dilemma. And so This often comes up in particularly in terms of is it me that I'm just not enough for my partner. I'm just not good enough. I'm of doing enough? Versus is it my partner who's being really critical here and actually that this is all on them? And so the way that you would really distinguish this is ask yourself this question. This feeling that I have right now about myself, is it a familiar feeling? Have I felt this before? And when was the first time that I felt this feeling? And I really want you to sit with this and please take as long as you need with this question. But it's really sitting down and really considering when was the first time that I felt this emotion? When was the first time that I felt that I wasn't enough or that I had to work hard to make other people happy or that I would risk rejection or I would risk my partner leaving me if they saw something embarrassing thing about me? When was this feeling first experienced? And I can pretty much guarantee you that you would to experience something of the sort, even though it might be a different situation, different type of experience. So for example this sense of not being good enough even though as an adult it might be around let's say physical appearance actually in in childhood? It might have been around intelligence so so it might be in different domains but the feeling of not being enough I can pretty much guarantee that This is something that would stem back from childhood. And so if this is the case, I really want you to trace your mind back to that point, The earliest memory and just park your relationship to 1 side for a moment. Uh, park that question of is it me or is it my partner? Just Just put that to 1 side for a moment and really get back to that first experience that you had with that feeling. And When you've got into that space I really want you to ask yourself in this moment as a child What allowed me to adopt this message? What allowed me to adopt this story? Because as a child we're Constantly trying to make sense of the world and we believe that we are the center of the universe. Not in a not in a grandiose way, not in a narcissistic or anything like that, but simply because we are children. We're trying to figure ourselves, our position in the world, and so we interpret everything that's going on around us to mean something about us. And that's simply because of us trying to create a sense of safety and how is that we operate in the world? And this is very much an evolutionary development. This isn't based in biology in terms of our neural networks, so this is just how it is? And so it's really asking what allowed me to adopt this message? What allowed me to adopt the story that led to this feeling? And when we've discovered that, it's really then sitting with this idea that actually this was a story that I adopted it wasn't necessarily stemming from me it didn't come from me originally but it was a story that I adopted And so it's really through processing, and I would really advise having professional support, and obviously if you want help you can reach out to me, but it's really about processing how valid that story is, how valid is it to this present today? And how true is it? How true is it that you are not enough? Is it really true? Is there Can you guarantee with a hundred percent accuracy that this story is true? And so that might be a yes or no answer. And so then I would really advise you to step into this sense of if this is not true what examples have I got when this story was not true? And so you might be drawing upon examples or experiences of situations when you were with family or friends or trusted individuals where you felt enough where you felt appreciated where you felt valued and you didn't have to work so hard at it or it might be from a small experience of the stranger smiling at you and actually that in itself would demonstrate that somebody saw you regardless of anything else regardless of what they knew or didn't know about you and so that in itself would open up the window of your enoughness And when you really process what's actually going on inside of you and so what it is that you'd be projecting, then you Can figure out okay this is my feeling I know that I have a tendency I know that I have vulnerability around feeling like I'm not of? That would be your stuff. That would be your projection. And so then to figure out what their projection is, your partner's projection, tion is something that is outside of your projection. So for example, if it was my partner who was just Not emotionally available. This is the I'm trying to have a vulnerable conversation with them, but actually what I'm getting is very little response. If that's the case then I'd be considering, well, maybe that's something to do with them, maybe That's their bag. Maybe that's to do with their history, what it is that they've gone through that actually they just at this present moment don't have the capacity to hold emotional vulnerability? And so what they might be projecting, and I'm just giving you an example here, is they may be projecting this level of avoidance or this level of insecurity, this level of not being safe? And actually emotional Vulnerability is a bit too frightening and so they have to have defenses up. They may be projecting something around the sphere or a wound around abandonment And so obviously I don't know your individual cases, but I'm just simply giving examples of what might be the case. And so when you figured out what your projections are it's a lot easier to then put a definitive line in terms of well I know that I have this vulnerability around feeling like I'm not good enough or whatever your vulnerability might be, that projection, And so figuring out okay. So sometimes when I feel like I'm not good enough, I hide parts of myself that I'm ashamed of or I work really hard to make sure that my that's happy or I lose loads of weight or I buy lots of extravagant gifts or whatever it might be, but but it's figuring out what your and is on what you end up doing. And actually that that's something that you do because of your fear, Regardless of whether or not your partner evokes that fear, when you figured that out, then you could distinguish, okay, so this is my projection of my action of my fear, then whatever my partner's responses are, that's their stuff That they are unable to hold me emotionally or they're really struggling to have these vulnerable conversations or they might be and serve or they might be, um, critical of me or whatever it might be so so that would be their projections gens and their projections come from their own wounds and their own history their own story that they would have developed from their own childhood? And with this work in terms of figuring out well what's me and what's you, It can be really cloudy. It can be so hard to see the difference, and the only way that we can figure out the difference is really starting off with you? Because you have pure control over yourself. You don't have control over your partner unfortunately, but you do have control over yourself. And so this is the point that I would really heavily recommend that you seek out professional help because at this point, You can then figure out okay so if this is my wound, if this is my projection, what can I do about this? What can I do in terms of really healing that inner child or really reprogramming my subconscious mind so that I'm not constantly falling back into the cycle again and again? Because the less that you project into that relationship, the less risk you have of going along with something that doesn't align with you, doesn't fit in with your values or that makes you feel more and more anxious, less likely you're going to do that, but also the less likely Leave that you will do that for a while and then 2 months in, 3 months in, you're trying to have that awkward conversation with your partner and then your partner says, what the heck Because this is all about this has been ongoing for a while and then all of a sudden you're bringing this up. This doesn't make sense. And so the less risk you have of catching your partner off guard, for example, and and then them becoming really defensive or potentially really attacking. Because for them, it's almost like this is out of the blue because they've been so used to how things have been before. It wasn't a problem before. Why is it now? And so I would heavily recommend that you start off with yourself, because the moment that you clear up your own projections the clearer your vision will be and so you're no longer striving for that well I have to be good enough I have to do x y and z to please other people so that I'm not so that I'm not rejected, so that I'm not falling into these difficult patterns. And the moment that you figure that out, the easier it is then to see the relationship work together as a couple? If you're wanting your relationship to survive and to survive long term, it's then really about doing couples work in terms of figuring out what's Your projection? What's my projection? How do these feed into each other? How do they fuel each other in an unhealthy way? And actually, how do we cut the ties? How do we cut the cords so that we're not falling into the cycle again and again? How is it that We can heal both of our own projections so that we can meet and reconnect. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.