Are you actually fixing the thing that needs to be fixed?

 want to talk about something many of us experience. You ever feel like you're working tirelessly, yet things just aren't improving? Maybe in your relationship, you're constantly walking on eggshells, avoiding uncomfortable conversations, or trying to make excuses for your partner's behavior. You find yourself doing more and more, hoping it'll keep your partner happy and the relationship intact.

But let me tell you, I've seen this pattern before. People like you pour their energy into superficial fixes like financial success, physical appearance, or even sexual promiscuity, thinking it'll save the relationship. But the truth is, it's often the wrong focus.

You might feel temporarily relieved when things seem to improve, but soon enough, you're back to feeling anxious and empty. You're stuck in this cycle because you're not addressing the real issues. Instead of diving deep into emotional connection, vulnerability, and trust, you're chasing after surface-level fixes.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hello friends today. We are talking about this question of I'm working so hard, but why is it that what I'm doing doesn't seem to be working. Um, and this might come about in many different ways, but ultimately the crooks of that are you feel like you've been working relentlessly hard? You have been doing everything in your power to keep your partner happy to keep the relationship going to keep the family together. Whatever it might be, but you've been doing so so much. And yet somehow. It still feels difficult. That is this underlying sense of anxiety. You find yourself walking on eggshells, or you find yourself muting yourself in various different areas in your relationship that you feel unable to ask certain questions, or you're not able to talk about certain topics. You're not able to shut session emotions. It feels really awkward for you to say, Hey, I'm not actually okay with this. I'm not happy with that. Or I'm really uncomfortable with a thing that you did just that. Those conversations feel incredibly difficult and actually you might want to avoid them entirely. And then what you also do on the other hand is that your working really, really hard to repair the relationship and by that. Is that you might be filling in the cracks. So, for example, if your partner does something that doesn't feel so great, you. Make excuses for them, or you justify their behaviors. He say, you know what? They've had a really bad day. The stressed. Sure they weren't super nice to me, but they didn't actually mean it. It's it's just because they had a bad day and you, and you kind of dismiss certain things. But actually through the dismissal of the certain things that just goes on and on and on. Or you end up doing more into the relationship you pour in more and more and more of yourself. So you are changing yourself to try and make your partner happy. You are working harder at work so you could bring home more money so that you can buy more. Lucrative. Extravagant gifts for your partner or take them away on weekends or whatever it might be. But, but ultimately you are doing more in the hope that doing more and catering your partner more is going to keep them happy. And so. D D just as a bit of a brief outline. When you all in this state and you are working incredibly hard to keep the relationship going and to keep your partner happy. You all going to fall into one of two categories or in fact, you're actually likely to fall into both categories, but they both come about at different points. The first category is. I am grafting. Yeah, I I'm doing all I possibly can do, because I believe that me doing these things. All the right things to me to do, and me doing these things. All the things. Uh, going to maintain the relationship and actually that if I don't do these things, then it's all my fault in terms of why the relationship might break down. So for example, and, um, you know, looking back on certain clients that I've worked with, I've known. Countless of people, why they have worked so hard in their career. And they have achieved such amazing success, financial success, career success status. And they've done all of that because actually they were in hope that them doing all of these things. That they would then be able to be a better provider for that partner. And therefore it would actually keep that partner around because their partner would say, Hey, you know what? You're successful. That's really attractive. I want to be with somebody who's super successful as well. And so they kind of ended up getting in this really weird immeshed phase, uh, believing that that level of financial achievement will that full mean that the relationship is sustainable. Or I've also worked with clients where they'll do more and more things. For example, they will have more and more cosmetic procedures. Or they will try and diet more and more. They will try to lose weight. They'll try to change our parents so that hopefully they feel that they're more attractive to that partner. And therefore it keeps that partner still interested in them. Or I've even had people where they've approached me. Uh, clients of mine and they've done things like. They've ended up being more sexually promiscuous. All, they actually encourage their partner to be more sexually promiscuous in the hope that doing these things. We'll actually sustain the relationship, thoughts. The thing that will fix the relationship, we'll save it because it's almost like, well, if I give my partner this permission, Then I pay more. Therefore I'm able to hook him, my partner even longer. The relationship has maintained. Everything is great. I am great for being able to do this. And so, uh, almost in this category of people, why you are doing more and more and more, you're doing more and more in the hope that all of these things. We'll keep your partner around. However, what also ends up happening, and this is particularly true. Uh, I would say across the board, it's definitely true for every single client who has ever approached me. And I guarantee even if you've not approached me, that this is probably happening for you. That you doing more and more and more, you probably not focusing in on the right thing that you should be doing. And I'll tell you now I've had so many people who I've ended up working with. And they have been struggling for years. I had one particular client who was saying that she'd been struggling for 25 years with her. Marriage. And for those 25 years, she has been self-sacrificing and doing more and more pouring in more and more of hisself. So that she could keep the relationship together. And interestingly, even though she was doing a lot, she Getting so much energy, so much time, so much of her soul. But she was focusing in on the wrong thing, believing that actually her being more physically attractive or her doing certain things for the family, her giving permission slips left, right. And center. That those are the things that would save the marriage. But I'm going to be Frank. And for those of you who know me, you'll know that I'm honest. And sometimes I'm a bit blunt with my honesty, but, um, I'm always going to be honest with you. Sometimes we're focused in, on doing the wrong thing. And you'll know that you're focused in, on doing the wrong thing. If the sense of you walking on eggshells or the sense that you're still walking a tightrope. Is still present, even if it's in the background. And you also know that you're focusing in on the wrong thing, particularly if there are significant fluctuations in the relationship. So what I mean by that is that you on one day feel really great because your partner has received the gift that you've given them. By the way it doesn't have to be a concrete gift. It could be just the simple act of you. Improving your appearance and you got a compliment from your partner, or it could be that you've actually bought them a weekend away, or it could be that you've given them a permission slip for them to be sexually promiscuous. Whatever it might be, but. You'll have moments when you feel great. And you'll think, oh yes, I did it. Finally. I'm keeping this relationship together. I finally did the thing that needed to be done and I've cracked the code. But then all of a sudden, given a few days, your down in the dumps, again, your anxious again, you're not sure about what it is that you need to do. You're not sure about what direction to go in and if you're cycling between the. Oh, yes. Finally, I cracked it. Then you're going to, oh, I'm actually really anxious here and I feel really empty and I feel really disconnected. I feel hollow if you're going between these two places. I'm telling you now you're not focusing in on the right thing that you should be focusing in on. And often people avoid. Looking for help people often avoid relationship coaching or therapy. What I've context is that you're going for, but people avoid it for so long. Because they believe that they know the answer and they believe that the answer is, Hey, I just need to get abs and that will fix the relationship. But let me tell you now, abs are not going to fix your relationship. If your relationship has got cracks all over it, like hubs are not the way. Sexual promiscuous see is not the way. Financial rewards and not the way. Because actually relationships are so much deeper and relationships are really about connectedness. And it's also about what is meaningful and fulfilling. And more often than not, we are searching. For that sense of meaning. In superficial levels. And this is search true. And I can definitely tell from professional experience on personal experience that. Often we get so caught up in these objective metrics that we forget about what the true meaning of our relationship has. And, uh, let me tell you this. So. With objective metrics. So I'm really referring to other things that we can see that we believe automatable as human beings. We like to have the fastest solution. And by foster solution, we also look at things that are more concrete. So for example, if I weigh this amount, then the number on the weighing scales, that is the objective metric. And so therefore that becomes my target. And I believe that that is the thing that's screened to fix my relationship. Or if I earn this amount, I eat the number in my bank account. If I have this amounts, or if I achieve this status in my career, I E the actual title that I obtain. Whatever it is boats. We ended up focusing in so much on these objective metrics. That we believe that it's BS things that we need to what, towards that visa, things that are going to fix our relationship. Because we ended up also associating these objects and metrics with all sense of Southwest. And we believe that our partner would associate our sense of self-worth based on these objective metrics. So just as a quick run through, in terms of what this means while. I might be somebody who is really anxious about whether or not I'm good enough. And I really basis on my fiscal parents. And so what I might do is that. If I have six pack. Then I feel like I'm good enough because I've got a six park. And so the six park somehow subconsciously I associate six pack to be equivalent to my self-worth. Therefore I am worthy because I have a six block. But I also believe that my partner will believe that I'm worthy because I have a six pack. And so we ended up really focusing in on the subjects of matric, which. By the way is, is often really not the thing. Right? So whether or not I have a six pack that's, that's something, but my worth is totally not attached to that metric. Th th the in reality, there is no association. So if I said to you, Hey, think of one of your best friends. Now put a price tag on them. If they have a six pack or put a price tag on them, if they don't have a six pack. You'd look at me like I'm insane for even asking you this question because you wouldn't be able to put a number on them. And the number is almost like their worth, but somehow we end up doing that for ourselves and we believe that our partner is doing that too, as well. So we ended up getting tangled up in this, in this really big, messy area. And we're constantly looking for these objective metrics to mean something. And these are the things that is going to fix the relationship, or these are the things that are going to make sure that everything is hunky Dory. However, when I start talking to clients about actually. These objective metrics are just subjective metrics. Whereas the real meaning behind your relationship is how connected you all, how valued you feel. How able you are to be vulnerable with your partner and feel safe in that vulnerability, how much you're able to expose yourself and really delve in deep in terms of having that security. What I'm talking about, these concepts. These concepts are not necessarily objectively measured, but the things that felt. And more often than not people shy away from this. And people shy away because actually it feels really frightening. They can't really see the emotion. They can feel the emotion where they can't see it. And. When people often trapped in this, I need to work harder. I need to do X, Y, and side. These are the metrics I need to achieve, because this is the thing that will save the relationship or the marriage. All the family. When people are in that state. Your really focusing in on the wrong thing, because the thing that we should really be focusing in on is the emotional connectedness is the vulnerability is the sense of safety is the security is the trust is the loyalty, all of these things. This is what the relationship is about. That's the deeper truth of any relationship. Whereas the objective metric is the objective metric. And it's not to say that you can't have a six pockets, not say that you can't. Uh, achieve your career goals or your financial goals. It's not to say that you can't do those things. Of course you can do those things. But those things are not associated with your worth. Or the viability of your relationship. And if you believe it is. The some thing deeper going on. There's something really that needs to be looked at and really needs to be resolved on a deeper level, because otherwise you will. You'll be finding yourself, circling around and around trying to get to the next objective metric. And you'll never get to the right metric. And I'm not sure if this fits in with your experience or something that you felt, but I know professionally I've had a lots of people contacting me, talking to me about their struggles about the fact that they are trying really hard to police that partner. That keeping shtum when they feel like the ag going to approach a subject that would upset that partner and they want to avoid obsessing their partners. So they just deal with that issue on their own. Um, and what often happens is, is that they recognize that there's a problem. They know that. There's a sense of instability. There's a sense of insecurity that feeling really anxious, but they don't know how to deal with that. And rather than delving in deeper in terms of what is the cause and what is the underlying issue here at the very core. They ended up jumping to the concrete stuff. I E I need to get this status, or I need to earn this amount, or I need to look this particular way. And they jumped TVs things. Because actually looking at the core issues, I E the issue that I don't feel safe. I don't feel like I can be vulnerable. I don't feel like I can express myself. Or be honest and Shap hots of me. Those questions are a lot harder to sit with and there are a lot harder to process. And that's the point when you really need to be okay to lean into the darkness. And so there's a core biopsy love, and it's by Bernay brown and apologies. I might be paraphrasing here, but she ultimately talks about the more that we lean into the darkness and the parts of us that we've been hiding away from. The more white we will find. And I totally believe in this and, and I've seen it hundreds of times with my clients on. It's so true because often the parts of us that we've been avoiding for so long, I E the parts that make us feel anxious, the parts of us, that we don't really know what to do with that we feel insecure about. We're really worried about what the outcome or the consequences, all. All of those parts, fuel Sarma. inside of us. And so it makes sense that we operate and we go into fight or flight mode. We want to run away from those parts. But in reality, the moment that we are able to step into the part of us that we've been hiding away from the part of us that is actually anxious about how we feel about ourselves. And anxious about how our partner genuinely feels about us. What anxious about the fact that we can't be vulnerable or we're having to hide away sets in parts of ourselves, because we feel that there's a level of shame. Or there's a level of potential rejection or there's a level of insecurity that might be an argument that would happen. The moment that we start tapping into those things. Those are the things that we should be working on. Not the surface level stuff, because like with anything in life, if you're wanting to succeed in something you need to get to the core, you need to do the hard work. You need to look at the things that all not necessarily comfortable, but actually the more skilled we become in these areas, the model we know about what it is that we've been trying to hide away, the more awareness we have and with awareness, we can actually take an action to change. Right? We can never change something. That we don't know. About because we don't know it. Right. So it's, it's truly about finding out am I looking at the surface level stuff here? Or am I actually looking at something that is deeper? The thing that is truly going to make a difference. And whether you start looking at the deepest stuff now, or you start looking at the deepest stuff in 10 years time, I'm telling you now you'll going to have to look at the deepest stuff at some point, especially if you're wanting to feel okay, and to feel grounded within yourself, but also to be able to develop a nurturing, unsuccessful relationship, because. Focusing in on the surface level stuff will only give you surface level responses will only give you surface level rules. Whereas looking at the deepest stuff of the cool runes and what might actually be going on into the surface, particularly around vulnerability, safety, security trust. The moment that you're able to lean into those things. And you go deep, the deeper your outcome will be the batter. The more successful your outcome will be because you're actually connecting. On a mental, emotional and fiscal basis. And with that, I would highly recommend that you do this with somebody who is a professional, who is skilled specifically in this area, because, uh, I've seen countless therapists and countless. Coach's out that, and I'm not bad mouth thing therapists this whole. Uh, but what I'm saying is, is that I've seen a lot of people out there who are practicing, but that notes a highly skilled in this area. And sometimes we run a risk of. I've uh, difficulties around pacing. I'm not going to go into too much detail about light hair, but, but ultimately my biggest advice to you is please do this. With a professional who will be able to support you on continue in the best way possible. So please make sure that you're looking out for specialist. I hope that this episode has been helpful for you. And of course, if you ever wants to get in touch, You can find my details in the show notes below. And until next time, take care.. 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