6 steps to self-love after heartache

Let's talk about self-love today. Why is it crucial? It's necessary in any relationship, whether you're single and looking for a partner or struggling with your current relationship. Social media talks a lot about self-love, but here's my take. Loving yourself isn't easy. If you're listening, you've probably dealt with self-doubt and insecurity, making it hard to love yourself freely. Conditional assumptions about love, like "I'll love myself if I achieve X," add to the struggle. So, how do we love ourselves unconditionally? It's about realizing our worth regardless of achievements or appearances. This can be tough to grasp because we're used to conditional worth.

Breaking out of this cycle is crucial. Self-criticism reinforces conditional worth, creating a negative loop. This loop becomes ingrained in our brains, affecting our emotions and responses. But breaking this cycle changes relationships. It improves communication, boundaries, and confidence. So, how do we break free?

It's about understanding the deeper intentions behind self-criticism. We often criticize ourselves to motivate improvement, but this stems from childhood experiences and circumstances. Forgiving our past selves and recognizing that worth isn't tied to achievements or circumstances is key. It's about offering ourselves the same compassion we would a friend in need.

So, write down messages of self-compassion and repeat them daily to rewire our brains for unconditional self-love. It's a process of unlearning old beliefs and embracing infinite self-worth.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Ally friends today. Let's talk about this issue of self-love. And why. ACE is crucial. It is absolutely necessary. In any relationship that you have, whether you all single annual looking to develop a relationship, whether you're all with somebody and. You are struggling in terms of your relationship with your partner. And you're looking to improve things. Now there is a lot of talk on social media on various different platforms with the importance of self-love. So I'm not telling you anything that's new there. However, there's a couple of issues that I have with this. Now, the first thing is. That loving yourself is a hard task. Right. So a lot of people often talk about, well, it's important for you to self-love and shul. Absolutely. I'm behind not 100%. It is important. However, the execution of it. Isn't so easy and it's not so easy because I'm fairly certain that if you're listening to this, you have had some level of self-doubts inside of you. You have had questions about your worth. You felt insecure about how good enough you are and all of these issues. Therefore indicate that there's an issue with regards to how freely you feel that you can love yourself. And my prediction. Is that this is also tied in with this conditional assumption of love. So for example, I can love myself. Or I'll feel better about myself if I leased that way. Or if my partner is happy with me, If I achieve the status. If I look a particular way. If other people treat me in the sense. So, so let me say, like, I will only be lovable or I will only be good enough if. Fill in the gap. And so. We end up really struggling with this idea of self-worth and we all constantly imbecile in terms of how can we actually love ourselves? What is possible? And. Ease it even possible for us to love ourselves, our whole, we worthy enough of unconditional love. And so unconditional love is a different concept to the conditional love that. I've just mentioned that. So unconditional love is this idea of. I am worthy and I am good enough to feel loved. To receive love. I am love. Regardless of Amy thing else, regardless of any metric. So unconditional love. An unconditional worth. To receive love is based on the principle. That for the very fact that I exist for the very fact that I am a human being. And I am here. I am breathing. I have emotions. I feel I'm experiencing life. I am connected with something that is greater than me. Like the universe for the front that I'm here. I'm also Worthy. Just that full-stop. I know a lot of people, whenever I present this concept, it's almost like I'm speaking a foreign language. And sometimes it feels really difficult to compete because. Often the response that I get, particularly from clients or just even people on social media with various platforms is yabba. What? From north. She worthy. Like the bigger, because it's true. Right? So like, what if I'm only going to know if I actually make sure that my partner has clean cheese in the morning or what if I'm only good enough if I have able to earn this level of income, what if I'm only good enough if X, Y, and Z? And so the, the, the. Ended up being hooked into this conditional worth. That I'm only good enough to receive love if I look or if I am X, Y, and Z. And so I really want to bring a point of what the differences are and actually, how do we get to self-love unconditionally? How do we get to that state? Because the state is super important. So, uh, before we delve into, how do we get that? I really want to talk about the impulsive once. Okay. So. Here's the thing. A lot of people. All attached to that condition. The conditional level of that with. Breaking the stone in a super simplistic term. It's only slight people have this underlying belief thought aren't you need. To hold onto this belief. I need to believe. Uh, I I'm only good enough. If I look a particular way, because that's the only way that I'm going to look that way, or I need to, and this level of income and belief that this level of income will make other people like me because. Let's see. Early way that I'm going to achieve that level of income. So if you're following my train of thought here, We often have this. Core belief of I'm only worthy if I do this, or if I achieve that. And my partner will only believe that I'm worthy if I do this, or if I achieve that. So, so, so we have this conditional belief around our worth. But then comes in the next stage and the next stage says, yeah, But I meet. To have this, otherwise I'm never going to do this thing, or I'm never going to achieve that thing. And so, you know, we might have personal goals, right? So we might have goals in terms of our parents or our career, our level of income. All of these things, we might have those goals and those goals are totally fine to have. And I encourage goals by the way. I'm not saying that I'm against these. However, what we also end up doing is that we believe, and we associate that. Our worth is absolutely contingent upon us doing these goals. And these goals will only ever be achieved if we're hard on ourself. And so we ended up guessing in this time. And I've seen this so many times with clients, I would say 95 to a hundred percent of the clients I've worked with. They've ended up being trumped in the cycle. They believe that they will only achieve that goals. They will early be able to do these things. So how these things, if they're hard on themselves. And so they end up having a lot of self criticism. So they talk to themselves in a really negative way and they say, you know what? You're just not good enough. You're just a bit fine. You're just a bit ugly or just not working hard enough at work. You're just not earning enough money. You just start having enough money in your account. Uh, whatever it is, but, but they end up in this self critical narrative. And you can see how trapping nada is, because if you're talking to yourself in that way, well guess swol, you'll the early person listening to that narrative as well. And if you're listening to that narrative, You all maintaining the fact that your worth is conditional to that narrative. So your reinforcing this negative cycle that I'm only worthy of X. If I do Y. And I need to be hard on myself to get Y but then the ulcer lowers my sense of self wet. So I feel even worse about myself. And the cycle just repeats itself. And guess what? This is mapped out in your logically. Physically in the brain, we do have chemical changes. And what the changes are is that we end up creating a neural pathway and a loop and the loop keeps going around and around and around. Maintaining the self critical narrative. And this son gets associated with a fight or flight response. This literally gets imprinted in your nervous system. So you always respond with the sense of panic with the sense of angst and you feel sick in your stomach. Your chest is claps. You feel tight in your throat, you get all of these responses. If you don't do that thing because you believe, uh, oh crap. If I don't do the heart thing, I'm definitely not worthy. My relationship's going to break down. My partner's going to hate me. Everything is ruined. And so everything that almost spirals out of control. And so this is. This literally becomes neurologically imprinted and it's subconsciously imprinted. And so he, you can see how trapping this becomes. And so for me, offer anyone else on social media that you may have heard to say, Hey, you just love yourself more. It's a bit of a difficult ask, right? It's a really, really difficult task in terms of how do you want shady that when you're trapped in this loop and you're just simply going around and around. But the importance of getting out of that leap is vital because the moment that you're able to get out of that loop, The status of your relationship changes and it changes in multiple formats because then you are able to communicate better because you feel that you're worthy of fact communication. You feel that your emotions are valid and the other people are meant to be listening to them. And, and actually that you're valid enough to self express. You are able to hold better boundaries with your partner. And so you're less likely to tolerate abusive behavior or. Inappropriate behavior or behaviors that are harmful and cause a lot of insecurity and ruptures in the relationship, but also you develop more confidence. And higher level of resilience to be able to deal with the obstacles. So. That happened in a relationship and you feel more strength inside of you to be able to overcome those obstacles. So the importance of breaking out of that cycle is huge. So let's move on to, how do we actually do this? Now. There are two different, uh, processes that occur. Side-by-side. But basically smack touts and that, eh, merit imprint of each other and the two processes are what happens subconsciously and what happens neurologically. So whenever we are able to shift what was going on in our subconscious mind, It actually starts to be imprinted neurologically. And so with both sides, what we need to do is cuts the ties or cuts that loop. That is constantly going around. And create a new loop. So we're ultimately unlearning what we've learned before. And we are breaking that cycle birth subconsciously on your illogically. It got some printed neurologically. And we are trying to create a new leap, a healthier leap, a leap of. Infinite self worth. And by the way, yes, I am saying infinite. And so the moment that we are able to do that, subconsciously that also gets imprinted in your logically. And so we have got. The amazing technology that has proven neuroplasticity and your plus to seashore. So we have the power through our mind to change what happens biologically. And I know that I've done a couple of episodes previously on epigenetics. It is something that I am super passionate about because I think it's just incredible how the mind can really affect our genetic coding, how it can affect our neurological wiring. Right? So the moment that we actually start doing this stuff on a conscious and subconscious level, And we really start to embody it emotionally. We can literally change our genetic coding in terms of what genes are active or are inhibited and also the neural network. So this is. Based on really great science here that I'm talking about. Okay. So I'm not making this up. This is, this is a hundred percent scientifically evidenced and it's just absolutely beautiful. Okay. So let's talk about the steps of how do we cut those previous leaps and how do we create new, healthy leaps now? I mentioned before. That we often go down the path. Earth self-criticism and self-criticism is very much tied in with low self worth, low self esteem, low self confidence. And yet somehow what we ended up associating and interpreting that we need to be critical of ourselves in order to improve. I'm going to introduce now a new school, a fault. And this new school of thought is that we don't actually need to be critical in order to improve. What's important is that we learn the message and the intention behind what we were doing before. And we unlearn some of those messages. So I'm just going to illustrate an example, and this is step one, by the way. So step one is what is the deeper intention here? So when we're looking at the previously cheap and you notice yourself in this self critical tool. I want you to step out of yourself is if you are stepping out of your own body and you're looking down upon yourself as if you're an objective observer of this, self-critical talk. And I want you to ask yourself the simple question. What is the deeper intention here? And so the deeper intention behind your self critical thoughts is likely to be something around. I need to be better, or I want to be better. I want to motivate myself more. I want to improve myself. I want things to feel safe and I want things to feel secure. Now, now that you've gotten what that deeper intention is. I want you to stay with that deeper intention. And then number two is I want you to ask yourself. This story. And this action that I lent. About being critical. Why did this come from? When did I first get familiar with this story or this narrative around criticism, and I really want you to spend. Quite a bit it's I'm thinking about this. And so it's really then delving into when was this familiar? And so you might notice yourself thinking, oh gosh, like I'm always self critical or I always talk in a bad voice towards myself. That's the only way that I've been able to get through life this fall. And you know what? That might be true. But I want you to trace back through your timeline and really get to grips with when did I first learn to be self-critical? When did this first occur? And when was this really a familiar pots? And for me, From its inception. Is there, you might actually know. As you see yourself going bots childhood, and you might think, oh, you know, I actually started being a bit critical of myself at school and I wasn't getting straight A's or I started criticizing myself because I wasn't as. Good looking or didn't feel like I was part of the popular group in school. And so when you starting to get familiar with, when did this feeling Fest arise? I really want you to trace your mind back then. Uh, number three. If you have a photo of yourself as a child, please dig it out from someone. But if you don't, I want you to bring the image. And really, really vivid image in your mind of your child's self of the point when you first started noticing yourself, talking negatively towards yourself or criticizing yourself in some way, I really want you to delve yourself back into that place and really bring the image to life. And Allison. Adults. This is number three, by the way. As an adult. I want you to look at that image of your younger self of your child, self. And as you're looking at that image, From a resource to place as an adult with the wisdom that you know now. I want you to actually forgive your child self. I'm going to pulse hair. Because that sometimes needs a bit of time to land and sink in. I really want you to forgive your child self full believing. That he or she, they were not good enough. I want you to really step into your child's self. And really from an adult perspective, really looking at your child self. And forgiving that child full believing that they had to get straight A's. Otherwise, they were worthless. Or that they have to be a part of the popular group. Otherwise they were worthless. I really want you to forgive that child. Because the truth and you know this with your wisdom as an adult, the truth is fat. Nurture child. Houseworth based on the academic Nick kitschy easements. It's a no child has their worth based on whether or not they're popular. That is not the worth of a child. So please do offer forgiveness. For that child who believed that that was true. And so we've forgiving the belief. Uh, number four. And this might resonate with a lot of you as well. Number four. Is really considering the circumstances under which you develop that belief. And so a lot of people in loft, clients of mine have grown up in some really harsh circumstances where family dynamics really harsh, really harsh expectations on them. There's a lot of criticism. Those are shouting all the might've been alive, neglect and up since. Uh, but, but they've dealt with traumas during the childhood. And so again, it's really looking at the second stances, that dot child. Grew pen. And it's also recognizing that the circumstances. We're not the responsibility for the child to own. And I want you to repeat that message to your child self. Looking at your child self, that those messages were not yours. Those circumstances were not yours. To be responsible over. And again, I'm pulsing here because I really want this to land for you. And this is crucial. Because often what people will do. And again, if this happens for you, I just want you to be aware of it. Take a mental note, please shift. But often will happen. Is that your looking at your younger self and you're saying, oh yeah, but you know, I needed to get straight A's otherwise I was getting to get smacked. If that's the case. I also want you to look at circumstances. The circumstances were. A child would have been hurt. For not achieving a particular thing for not achieving a particular level. And actually that hurts was not the responsibility of the child. That's something that should've never happened. But that was never your child's self to earn. Your child self. Nevin needed to or not. And shouldn't have owned that. But unfortunately, Through circumstances, your child's self adopted that to mean something about your worth. Number five. Is a really want you. To offer yourself. The truth. And so the truth may be. My worth. Was not based on my academic achievement. Or actually my academic achievement was just what it was actually means. Nothing. Now that I'm 50. And I got an, a back when I was in school. Like, it means nothing. I want you to sit with what your truth is. And Paulson care as well, because I really need you to think about this. And so the moment though, you then get short treif. I want you to finally go into number six and offering yourself compassion. And one way of really doing this as a, want you to imagine yourself as if you were talking to a friend and knew your friend was experiencing these difficulties or these thoughts. So these on-sites, he sees beliefs about that with. And let's say your friend said to you, I'm only good enough. If I look up a particular way. What would you tell your friend? What would you tell them? And chances are, you would say something with kindness, you would recognize us suffering. And you would meet that suffering with compassion. And so our really a cue to direct that inwardly. And the reason why I'm saying in March and if it was a friend, because sometimes it's easy to externalize and sometimes it's easier for us to be kind at somebody else in his tools ourselves. But I really want you to spend a bit of time and really offering that sense of compassion towards yourself. And when you've done this. Please. Right. That message down. And I mean, don't type, it don't text it. Get pen to paper. Write that down. And when you've written that down. I want you to write the same message. Daily. And the reason why I'm saying write the same message daily is because we are trying to shaft. What is wide neurologically. And so there's a lot of research out there that shows that the more that we are able to repeat these patterns and repeat new narratives. The more that we're able to shift something. And so I'd love to hear your feedback on this episode. And of course, like always, if you ever want to get in touch my details all in the show notes below. And until next time, take out. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.