3 Reasons why self-love is MANDATORY: Relationship Success

Today, we're diving into why self-love is crucial for successful relationships, whether you're single, in a committed relationship, or navigating the dating scene. Let's explore why prioritizing self-love is essential for both you and your relationships.

Many people hear the advice to love themselves more, but the true significance of this often gets overlooked. Think of self-love as the foundation of a house you're building. Without a sturdy foundation, your house won't stand strong. Similarly, for a relationship to thrive, you need a solid foundation within yourself.

I've seen countless clients struggle in relationships, experiencing pain and heartache. Often, they blame external factors or their partners, but the truth is, our internal state plays a significant role. Relationships serve as mirrors, reflecting our inner workings. If our internal landscape isn't healthy, our relationships will suffer.

Consider two individuals dating the same person. One may confidently walk away from a toxic situation, recognizing their worth and ability to heal. The other may cling to the hope that their partner can fix them, perpetuating a cycle of unhealthy relationships.

Your foundation dictates the dynamics of your relationships. With a strong sense of self-love, you're less likely to tolerate harmful behaviors or engage in self-sabotage. You'll establish boundaries and communicate effectively, fostering a healthier connection.

Furthermore, a solid foundation attracts security. Anxiously and avoidantly attached individuals often find themselves in toxic cycles, whereas securely attached individuals prioritize honesty and consistency.

Lastly, self-love enables you to give fully to your relationships. While no one can pour from an empty cup, having a strong foundation allows you to support and uplift your partner, creating a reciprocal flow of love and support.

In essence, nurturing self-love is the key to building fulfilling relationships. Just like maintaining a house, investing in your foundation ensures long-term stability and happiness. So, remember to prioritize self-love—it's the cornerstone of healthy relationships.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hello friends. Oh, welcome back. Um, and today we are going to be talking about why self-love is necessary. Absolutely necessary. If you want your relationship to succeed. Whether you are single, whether you are married, whether you are in a relationship with somebody or whether you've been dating again and again and again, but you just call seem to have that commitment with somebody. Regardless of what state your aunts. For a relationship to be successful. It is absolutely mandatory that we have self love, absolutely mounted tree. Now I'm going to be doing a different episode with regards to how do we actually move towards self-love because of that in itself is a hurdle. And I know personally, professionally, it can be very, very challenging. But. Let's talk about why it is absolutely necessary. And I don't think people in very clear as to the true reason is why it's necessary. So you'll see a lot of stuff on social media that says, Hey, you need to love yourself more. And it sounds great. Um, but a lot of people actually dismiss it and they brush it off and they say, yeah, no, I love myself and off. Uh, I just really want to focus on all my relationship. Um, but the truth is, is that for your relationship to truly succeed. The core. Needs to be solid. So. I must fall that I would like to introduce as if you're watching your self building a house. Okay. Now, For you to build this house, you have to have a secure foundation. Otherwise, if you're just putting brakes. On top of the ground. Then, you know, your house is slightly full over. It's not stable, it's not secure. Whereas actually we need to dig deep, underground. Lay the foundation. And from then we can build up points on actually our house is going to be a lot more steady and a lot more solid. And this is very true when we all trying to build a relationship on what won't seem to be successful within our relationship with wanting that relationship to be fulfilling, meaningful, loving, compassionate, caring. We need the foundation and guess what? The foundation starts with you. And let me tell you this, because I've worked with hundreds of clients now. Y they've really struggled in that relationship. Why they have gone back and forth. They've experienced a lot of pain. They've had a lot of heartache. They've gone from a abusive relationship to another one, or they've just gone through and stagnated in various relationships where they didn't really feel fulfilled, but they thought, Hey, why not? I'm a partner's law. And it saw me, it's like kind of meandering or almost just allowing things to happen, but they're very passive in that. So, you know, the. The clients at different stages and they have different experiences within their relationships, but ultimately it doesn't actually feel that fulfilling. It's not, not satisfying. Um, and they are unsure as to how to really achieve relationship success. And his one of the core issues, it really starts with you because you all the consistent factor in any relationship, you all your constant. And. When we enter difficult relationships, we actually enter difficult relationships. Not necessarily because of the other person being difficult, but it's actually because of what's going on inside of us. So subconscious processes within us that are getting a vote and they get in, you're listed by what this person is showing us what they're mirroring to us. And I'm sort of, I know I've spoken about this in previous episodes of mine, but ultimately any relationship we answer. He is very much a mirror. It's a subconscious mirror of what is happening inside of us. And so if what's happening inside of us, isn't healthy. Gasol screen to be married out to us. The relationship and that screen to be unhealthy as well. However, if we've got a healthy internal, then what is married? Outsource is also a healthy relationship. And so I'm going to demonstrate this with a super simple example. And I think there's something that anyone of us can relate to. But if your mind, chin, there are two different people. And at different time points, they've dated the same person, right? They've been in a relationship with the same person. Let's say this person that these two people have datas, this person was extremely critical. Was extremely harsh was very punitive. It felt like whatever that partners did was just never good enough. All let's say that this person has been unfaithful to both partners, right? And what you'll have is you've got partnering, you've got partner B now partner, a might say. You know what. This isn't really right for me. There's something that's just not aligned for me. I'm just not okay with that. I need something different. And they walk away and they walk away with a clean slate. No guilt, no shame. Sure they might feel upset because the relationships ended or they feel upset because they've been betrayed. Sure they might have those difficult emotions, but they feel solid in themselves that they're able to walk away and they walk away with a clean slate. It feels okay. That's person a. Person B on the other hand, wants to keep going at it at the relationship that wanting to repass something. That actually feels beyond the point of neuropathy. It feels so, so damaged. They feel broken. They feel really, really broken that on the floor. And yet they believe that fixing this thing with that partner is the only way that they will be fixed. So what happens for person B is that they put on so much reliance on their partner. Changing on them changing, pest and be changing on somehow through them changing the partner, changing, whatever it might be that miraculously partner B will be fixed. And so one phrase that I like to use for this is. You are the one who brought me and you have the parts fix me. This is what partner B believes. However person a on the other hand person a says, you broke me or you hurt me. I have the power to heal myself. I have my own palette. And so you can see here. And again, like I said, I think this is a situation that any of us can relate to is that two different people experienced the same situation, the same relationship. But they both respond in very different ways. Partner a is much more empowered. And they have their own sense of stability and that reclaiming their own power despite being hurt. And so this is very much an empowered state and they are much more likely to go ahead and choose a partner later on in life. The more likely to choose a partner who will be respectful, who will maintain their boundaries, who they will be able to communicate with. They'll feel safer, have security, they'll have a deep level of trust, a deep level of connection. That able to go ahead and find that person because that foundation I E theirself is solid, is secure. All right. And so what happens that is that the solid foundation that's going on inside of them, is that full, married within their relationship? So anybody who doesn't meet that criteria. Or who doesn't align with how solid that foundation is, the relationship just doesn't flourish. So even if person a goes ahead and start dating somebody else. Uh, but let's say person a has got a secure attachment style. They go out and date somebody else who might be anxiously attached. And the anxiously attached partner keeps saying, I need, I need reassurance. I need reassurance. I need reassurance. Or they are anxiously attached partner kind of Tesla and pushes them away. However it might be, but the person who secure or just say, you know what. This doesn't align for me. I need clear boundaries. I mean, consistency on the trust. Any connection and you're not giving that TIMI. And again, they walk away with a clean slate. So for person, a regardless of who it is that they meet, it doesn't really matter because they will early enter a committed relationship with somebody who actually mirrors. The solid foundation side of them. Whereas person B on the other hand, They ended up in difficult relationship after difficult relationship because their foundation isn't solid. And actually they're hoping that that partner will build their own foundation. And so person B is almost going for the easy route and I'm doing that in inverted quotes because it's not actually easy, but what they end up doing is that they play so much. Parties search Preston's on their partner being the one who can fix them or being the one who can heal them. Even though the, in reality, that's not actually the case. Because you are your own constant, you are your own human being. And the foundation is inside of you. It's something that gets developed inside of you. And it's not as something that's external. And so the moment that you notice yourself relying on your partner to fix you, because they're the one who broke you. Then, then we really need to look at this foundation of y'alls. Because. You know, often people will say, yeah, but you broke me. You broke me. You broke me. Therefore you need to fix me. And as much as that might appear logical on some level, in the sense of, Hey, you cause me injury and therefore you should take responsibility. As much as that would be nice for them to take responsibility over the injury and for them to validate you. But the truth is is that if you're relying on them, if you're waiting on them to do that, You will forever remain in this vulnerable state because you are ultimately giving away your power to them. You end up vulnerable and you remain in victim hood and they have all the control. And FYI, no one should ever have that level of control over you. Actually the healthiest way of being is for you to empower yourself and have your own foundation, because whether it be this relationship, the next one, it doesn't really matter. If your foundation isn't there because you'll just cycle back in the same leap, it might be different faces. It might be slightly different problems that come up, but it will be the same thing that will come up. I guarantee it. So. Going back to, you know, what even this title is about is three reasons as to why self-love is super impulsive. Now. I've kind of alluded to some of these reasons, but I'm just going to distinguish the three main reasons as to why it's super important for you to build up your own foundation. Um, and this is crucial for your relationship to succeed. Now first reason. Is that. If your foundation is solid, you are less likely to tolerate. Harmful behaviors. You are less likely to tolerate on healthy patterns. And so this is unhealthy patterns that either you do. Please take responsibility and accountability. I'm all about LA. Unhealthy parts, sins that you do or unhealthy patterns that your partner does. And so what I mean by this is that sometimes if let's say a little bit anxious, And, uh, we might either be anxiously attached or we have high-pass traumas, and we're really anxious about how relationships go. We're really worried about how a partner feels about this. Let's say where, where that person. Now what slightly to happen is that we are either going to overcompensate in terms of our relationship. And so we might almost, um, give our partner lots of permission slips for things that actually we're not okay with. We might not express how it is that we feel, or we might be dismissive over certain. Uh, harmful behaviors. And so. What we're doing that is that way literally enabling on healthy things. And, and so we're putting ourselves in a harmful position. We're putting ourselves at risk because we are inadvertently giving a permission slip saying to a partner. Hey, you know what? You can treat me badly because this is what I believe I am with my foundation. Isn't last, I feel free to fill it up with toxicity. That's that's subconsciously what we're communicating. That's once thing. The other thing is, is that we might actually be self-sabotaging that relationship. And so let's say we're entering with somebody who is actually quite healthy in terms of how they respond. Uh, but what we end up doing is, is that we're constantly testing them because we're not believing that they will be consistent, that they are trustworthy, that they are who they say they are. And it is just, what is. Uh, we have a lot of doubts, but all those doubts are within us because actually they are the cobwebs that are living in our call set that we've not looked at. All of this stuff is happening inside of us. And so what we end up doing is that we'll constantly testing our partner. Is there a, my D things like, um, we just ignore that messages for a little while, or we go a little bit cold to me. We want them to message us even more, or we pretend that we're floating with somebody else or whatever it might be. Um, but, but, but where we end up kind of like testing certain things. To see what the relationship is like. Can we do this? And we might do this from an innocent place in the sense that we want them to prove that they are genuine, that they truly care about us, but aren't, she, that's not a healthy way of being actually it will push the right people away and it will only attract the wrong people. And so. The first reason as to why it's so important for us to build that foundation for ourselves is because we are less likely to tolerate harmful or unhealthy patterns. And. When difficult things do you come up? We all likely to face them head on. So for example, if our partner does something that we're not happy about, where lightly to say, Hey, you know what, I'm really uncomfortable with this. Or we're more likely to communicate our needs. We're more likely to communicate our emotions. We're having boundaries and we're executing them, which by the way, execution is. Uh, a hard part to do, right? So a lot of people talk about having boundaries and you kind of understand conceptually what boundaries are, but holding your boundary. That's a whole other thing. Right? So, so, so that becomes a lot easier. If you've got your foundation, if you don't have your foundation, you might think that you have boundary, but actually you bend over backwards very easily. And you believe that you're doing the right thing, whereas actually you're doing harmful things in the long term. Okay. Number two. In terms of why it's important to build your foundation is because it invites security. So what I mean by that is that. Often when we have an unstable foundation. We end up attracting people who are guess waltz. Also not very stable. It might not be very stable in a different sense, but that also not very stable. So if you know much about attachment styles and I'm going to briefly run through them here ASAP. People who are anxiously attached, IE people who believe I'm only good enough. If I work really hard to please my partner. They often attract people who are avoidantly attached and avoidantly attached people, a people who often maintain a distance, they are likely to withdraw and they can actually feel really cold and they can feel neglectful. And those two are a perfect much. You asked me why. Because logically, it might not make sense, however, subconsciously it makes perfect sense. And the reason for that is because the person who is anxiously attached, they believe they have to prove their worth forever more. In order to get love. Uh, the person who's avoidantly attached believes other people have to prove. I love forevermore in order to believe that they're truly loved. And so in a way it's almost like a jigsaw puzzle and the two pieces fit together. One person is working really hard to prove that they love their partner. Whereas the other person needs, slept partner to prove a lot that they love them. And so, and so subconsciously it's a perfect much, however, people who are securely attached, if they ever enter a relationship will go on dates with either an anxiously attached or avoidantly attached person. They check out. They, they, they don't allow those relationships to last because it doesn't align with them. People who is securely attached to no, that worth. You've got lot stable foundation about themselves. They want consistency. They want honesty. They want transparency. They want security and that's because that's, what's actually going on inside of them. And so. That if they experience either end of the spectrum, the anxious or the avoidant, they, it just doesn't align with them. And so they just don't feel that connection and they walk away. So that's one side of it. View of the side of how it invites security into the relationship is often people who are either anxiously attached or avoidantly attached. They have got doors and walls. And those doors and walls are shut off. And so what happens is that they become extremely suspicious. Of healthy behaviors from their partner. So if their partner is doing something that's really nice. They don't quite believe that, or they believe that it's contingent upon something. They don't believe that there were the enough of just being loved and just enjoying that love, just really experiencing it, delving into the relationship, feeling connected the constantly on edge. They don't believe what it is that they're seeing. There's always this bit of doubt. Well, this bit of suspicion in that mind. And so it might be lingering around in the background and it might look something like this. Well, If I I'm guessing this behavior, this affection for my partner, it's because I did X, Y, and Z. So I really need to keep up that behavior or I need to amp up my behaviors. Um, and, and so you just end up with this realm of conditional love or conditional with. On the other hand. If your partner does something really nice, you might be like, oh, this feels really uncomfortable. I don't really trust it. What's going on here? Have they done something? And so we might end up pushing up partner and really testing them and pushing that Wilson's but not, should we then create a distance and that in itself, sabotage this relationship. So either way, what was sabotaging the relationship. And we're really preventing any level of security or any level of safety developing because we're not allowing ourselves the opportunity to learn that, Hey, this relationship could be safe and secure. And that's because we don't have the foundation for security because that foundation is inside of us. And so the third reason as to why it's super impulsive for us to develop power in foundation shaky when it comes to relationship is because. The more that you have in your foundation, the more that you're able to give. And so when we're talking really about a relationship thriving, Eight is really about figuring out or recognizing the fact that a relationship or requires a hundred a hundred. Now I hear a lot of people saying relationships are 50 50, and I totally disagree with that relationships and never 50 50. They shouldn't be 50 50. If you're really looking for successful, healthy, nurturing relationship. They should absolutely be 100, 100. That would be the ideal. However, we also know that sometimes things happen in relationships, right. Uh, in the sense that sometimes I might be feeling bad, you might be feeling bad. We might be struggling with our own thing. We might have a brief moment, or we might have difficulties at work or something else might happen. So I might have my own struggles. You might have your own struggles. And so sometimes we can't pour in a hundred. However. What. Would ideally happen for healthy relationship is let's say if I can early pour in 80, I need my partner to be able to do the one 20. I need my partner to be able to back me up a little bit, to support me, to lift me up and to carry me. I'm not saying that they have to carry me the entire way and two free infinitives do this, but no, I'm talking about. Uh, really being able to, to hold each other up. And so if we have a really solid foundation that aren't, she gives us the ability to give the hundred. Um, to be able to top up and support our partner whenever they need, but also vice versa that we're inviting in our partner to be able to top us up whenever we need at. And so this is really fundamental for a relationship to thrive for a relationship to truly succeed and succeed. Long term is that we both have to be able to give in as much as we possibly can today. And so, you know, sometimes when I'm saying, like, for example, that we can only give an 80, you know what, we might only be able to give an 80 because we've got all this stuff going on in our personal life. That's really, really challenging, or it might be 50, or it might be 40, whatever the number is. But if that is our hundred percent for that day, because we're literally giving as much as we possibly can do. But our a hundred percent is actually 80%. Or 40 or 30%. Or whatever it might be. Then that is our hundred percent and that in itself is okay. But also our partner is able to support us and lift us. And so. You know, sometimes like with buildings, we need to fix the building. Right? Sometimes we have a crack in the wall. Sometimes we have issues with foundation, whatever it might be, but actually that's when we need to start topping up our foundation, particularly if this issue is ongoing long-term if it's, if it's a blip or if it's like a one time instance, one time event and actually. It's able to be processed in a really easy way, then let's hop. See fine. However, if you. I foresee that it's going to be something that's a bit more longterm again, absolutely recommend that you seek out professional help because the more that you are able to build and strengthen your foundation as individuals. And as a couple. The easier it is for you to build up your house and you can build the most extravagant, lucrative, beautiful hurting together. But you need your foundations to be solid. And obviously love to hear your comments and your feedback on this episode. So if you like as always, please get in touch My details are in the show notes below. And until next time, take care. 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