Ever rejected someone who was 'too nice'?

Hello and welcome back. Today, I'm going to delve a little deeper into the issues we have about our self-worth. The reason for this is because many people come to me with relationship problems, feeling unappreciated or undervalued. Regardless of the relationship issues they present, the common thread is doubt in their self-worth. This doubt manifests in how we view ourselves and what we believe we deserve, ultimately affecting our relationships.

You may relate to the idea that two people can enter the same difficult relationship but respond differently. One might assert themselves while the other struggles with shame or guilt. The success of our relationships reflects what's going on inside us, not just the relationship itself. So, let's talk about self-worth and its limitations.

Our self-worth is based on past experiences, especially during our formative years. Explicit experiences, like critical parents, and implicit ones, like feeling flawed despite parental support, shape our self-worth. We create upper and lower limits for our worth based on these experiences.

The upper limit is what we believe we're worthy of receiving or achieving. Anything beyond this makes us uncomfortable or guilty. We either reject it or feel undeserving. The lower limit is what we won't tolerate in relationships. We're unlikely to accept treatment below this limit.

As our experiences fluctuate within our worth bandwidth, we adjust our expectations accordingly. If someone treats us above our limit, we may feel guilty or reject it. Conversely, if they treat us below, we may tolerate it or excuse their behavior.

Recognizing the difference between ego (questioning worth) and essence (infinite worth) is crucial. We're born with infinite worth, but societal conditioning makes us question it. Releasing ourselves from worth limitations means recognizing our inherent value.

As babies, we never questioned our worth. We demanded what we needed because we assumed our worthiness. But as we grew, we internalized stories about our worth based on others' actions. It's essential to separate their actions from our inherent worth.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hello. And welcome back. Today, I'm going to be delving in a little bit deeper about the issues that we have about our self-worth. And the reason for this is because as much as people come to me with regards to pain points in their relationship, That perhaps they're struggling with their spouse, their partner. Or they found themselves repeatedly entering. More and more difficult relationships where they feel challenged or they don't feel appreciated. They don't feel head. They feel undervalued. Even though people tend to come to me, presenting all of these problems with regards to that relationships. The common thread that occurs between every single person. Is a doubt in their self-worth. And so what this really shows is that when there's something that is fundamentally fragile, Shaken. Unstable insecure inside of us and how it is that we view all self. I was sense of our own value. And what it is that we deserve, what it is that we will tolerate when we have questions and issues and doubts around that realm, all to do with us. It ends up being married out in relationships in front of us. And so even learning people come to me, like I said about issues within their relationships, and they're really wanting to work towards. Having loving, healthy, meaningful relationships that they feel fulfilled, where they feel understood where they feel cared for, where they feel loved. Even though that's the ideal goal. That's the thing that they see. And so they're so focused in on Lance, but the real issue is what is actually going on inside of you. And the way that I always illustrate this, as I say, well, The thing is, is that you can have two different people who enter a really difficult relationship. But the two different people might respond very differently. One person might be willing to have those Frank honest, difficult conversations, and they get to a point where they feel assertive and they do what is right for them. And what is right for the relationship. Whereas the other person. May struggle with feelings of shame or guilt or anxiety fair. Doubt. And so they're constantly in this turmoil trying to solve something. But they don't necessarily take an active approach to it. And actually they hide away. Or they might end up being the aggressor. And so I think at any of us can relate to the idea that you have two different people entering the same situation, but actually both people respond very differently and not in itself shows. That the success of your relationship is really a reflection of what's going on inside of you, as opposed to necessarily the relationship itself. So I really want to spend some time in this episode talking about our self-worth. And particularly, I want to talk about limitations of all self-worth. This is something that a lot of people don't know about. This is something that a lot of people don't talk about. They don't think about they don't consider and trumps is all. If you've been in therapy or if you've been in coaching before. Issues around self-worth self-esteem self-confidence will come up or probably has come up if you've already been through that process. However. It might not be that clear that there were limits around Joel self-worth. Onto the real limits in terms of upper limits on low limits. So I'm going to delve into this a bit deeper. And. I also just want to mention that this is actually something that's quite innovative. This is something that's quite unique. Um, this is something that you're not going to hear on any other type of podcast or any other kind of the run of the mill psychologist or therapist or counselor or coach. So you've heard it here. Right. I just want to make that clap. No. When we're talking about our self worth, our self worth is basically how it is that we view ourselves what it is that we believe that we all wear the, of having and not worthy of having. What it is that we believe that we deserve. What it is that we will tolerate. And so the way that we perceive our own self worth and the value that we hold will very much reflect. And how is that we interact with other people, how it is that we behave around to the people. So for instance, If I had a really fragile sense of self worth. And I believe that I was less worthy than other people then trumps is all I'm going to prioritize other people's needs above mine. And so in that moment, I've already created this. Imbalance of worth that I am less than, or the people and that full of the people should be prioritized above me because the party is based on the worth or the value. Of each being in that situation. And so I'm just giving that as an example to show that actually, whatever it is that we believe about ourselves, how we perceive our self-worth is always going to be married out in our relationship. And if you can imagine that that cares day in, day out with your spouse, with your romantic partner, or even with colleagues, with family members, with friends. So often what I tend to find clients approach me saying. Yeah. But how can I possibly think differently about my worth when other people treat me in this way? So if other people are treating me poorly, then it must mean that I am not worthy. And I am observing them and I can see that they get trapped in the cycle, but also it's very much a perpetuating cycle and it's a bi-directional process. So just to really spend a moment here, breaking it down in terms of what, what does this all mean? And what was actually happening here? Well, Let's say if I believe that I'm not worthy, or if I believe that other people are better than me somehow. I am more likely to go into situations. And tolerate situations. And behave. Within these situations that would confirm what I already believe about myself. So if I believe that somebody else's better than me, I'm more likely to enter situations where the other person treats me poorly. And I'm tolerating it because somewhere in the back of my mind, I believe, well, they can treat me poorly because they all better than me. And so our almost justify it in my own mind. I don't necessarily take step back and think, Hey, we're both human beings. We're all equal. But a more likely to allow it to occur more likely to accept that behavior. From them. And I'm also more likely to treat myself I'm treating them in the same way. So, so I entered the situation, they treat me poorly. I accept it. I tolerate it. I think it's okay. I justify it to myself because I say, Hey, you know what? This is equivalent to my worth. So it's okay. But then also I treat them. In a way where I prioritize them style sous, they are invited to treat me poorly. And even when they treat me poorly, I still treat them very, very well, which that in itself means that I'm maintaining that imbalanced power dynamic, whereby I'm putting that worth above mine, that putting that worth above mine and wedged, maintaining this. Status quo. So. This becomes really, really challenging. And actually it's a perpetuating cycle where both reinforcing this difficult and painful. Dynamic. But for us to really get out of it, it really starts with us. You have full control over your self, and unfortunately we can't control other people. So it's buy-sell that we get empowered and you get empowered in your decisions and in your own actions. Now, well, let's move back to this idea of self-worth and having limitations of our self-worth. With our self-worth. It is very much based on past experiences, experiences that we would have had during LFS seven years of life. How our parents treated us. Whether that be explicit treatment. Or whether that be implicit things, sensations, beliefs, feelings that we developed when we were reading between the lines of how is it they treated us. So for instance, We might've had explicit experiences with our parents. If they were really critical. Yeah. Or if they were physically absence. Or a F we were crying. We were in distress at various points in our life, and they just didn't have the emotional capacity to hold us. And they just ignored us. All of these things are explicit because we can clearly see it. On an objective level. It's almost like if I had a camera and I was filming this, you would be able to see those actions. However, we also experience implicitly without parents and the implicit things all a bit tricky and they can sometimes be quite sneaky. So the implicit treatment would be things like. Even Laura, I might grow up in a household whereby. My parents were relatively supportive. They were present at times. But if I didn't necessarily meet their expectation or if I didn't behave in the way that they would have been pleased of or proud of. Then I would feel like I'm fundamentally flawed. So just as an example to illustrate this. Let's say if I grew up in a household whereby my parents were really well established. That they were doing so well in their careers or that they put me in private school or they sacrifice themselves. They moved to a different country so that they could give me a better life. Let's say if any of those experiences were true for me. I am reading between the lines slash they might not necessarily tell me, Hey, we were taught books off so that you could have your, a better life. Or they might not necessarily say, Hey, we're spending all of this money on you, so you better achieve very well. Th they might not explicitly say that, however, by observing their behaviors and by observing their commitment and what it is that we do, they do. Then we start to interpret those actions to mean something about us and about how we should be. And we then start to relate that to our worth. So for example, if my parents were really well established in that career, And perhaps I grew up and I tried my best academically, but I just wasn't guessing the A's. Maybe I was just an average student. Then I would start to believe that I am fundamentally worthless or there's something wrong with me or that I have to work really, really hard. In order to meet their expectations and their expectations or this never-ending goalpost, I'm constantly chasing. So, yeah, you can see how early experiences, whether it be explicit. So objectively observed or implicit. We'll then have a huge impact on how it is that you view yourself. And with this, that is also a bandwidth that we create with regards to all self-worth. So much in a bandwidth that is an upper limit of what is we believe that we are worthy of. And there is also a lower limit of what we believe we all with. Yes. So let's start with the upper limit. The upper limit is ultimately this line. It's a, it's an invisible line, but it's a slide where we believe. I am worthy of everything. Up until this much. But I'm not worthy of anything above that line. So, for example, I am worthy of somebody. Buying me a gift on my birthday. But I might not be worthy enough of somebody buying me a cup of coffee on a random day. Actually, if somebody does that, I would then feel really, really guilty because I've not done anything to earn that. So with the upper limits in terms of our bond. Intuit for our self-worth. What it ultimately says is I am worthy of receiving and achieving a pencil this level. But if I get met with an experience that is treating me above what I believe that I'm worthy of, I don't know what to do with that. I feel very, very uncomfortable with that. And I almost want to reject that. And so the rejection. Actually comes about in a couple of different ways, and this can have really impact the type of relationship that we enter and the type of people that we invite into our lives. So, uh, I'm going to kind of use some numericals here just to illustrate this point, especially for people who are just listening on TV, don't have the visuals. But. Let's imagine that there's a scale of one to a hundred. And we, and this scale is with regards to. One self-worth. Now, what we might see is that our worth might. Only be between, let's say 40 and 60 percents. So anything that we receive between 40 and 60%, that feels okay. We feel comfortable with that. However, If somebody then treats us in a way that we perceive to be above 60%, I E. That's cup of coffee on a random day, just because. If somebody treats us above the 60%, we don't know what to do with that. It's not actually within our schema. It's not within our template. It's not within our subconscious. We literally don't know how to respond to it. And it's let me slate. There's a glitch in the matrix, right? Because it's not in our reality. So if somebody treats us above the 60%, we're likely to respond in either guilt because we feel excessively guilty. Like we've not earned it. We've not done anything for it. And therefore it's not actually ours, or it should not be ours. And so we might subtly reject it because the guilt is so great. And with that guilt, it's almost like we feel like we've done something wrong, even though. Objectively. We know that we've not actually done anything. We've not asked them to get us this cup of coffee on a random day. But, but we feel guilty. And so we want to. Very quickly, hide it away, push it away. Excuse it. Dismiss it. And do it very politely. Or we might actually go the other way and we might actually have this repulsion towards it. And we went home. Almost like a disgust sensation towards that. And so a typical example that I would share around lists is have you ever been on a date with somebody. And the person is so nice. The so nice. And at the same time, you find them really boring. And you don't want to stick around the state and actually you just want to walk away. So for any of you who has experienced that, or perhaps you've even had the EQ from somebody. That happens. When the other person is treating us above the 60% above what it is that we believe that we all with above thought a preliminary of all bandwidth. And so the reason why we respond in these ways is because we let, she don't know what to do with it. It's not in our template. It's not within our subconscious, it's just not within our reality. And so we push it away. But also what this means is that one way going about our day-to-day business, when we actually enter relationships, Even though we want somebody to treat her swell. We want somebody to love us. Somebody to love us unconditionally, as much as those things are true. We don't know how to deal with those things, because those things are not integrated inside of us. Those things are actually rejected whenever we experience them, because it's not within our reality. It's not something that we're familiar with. And so we reject the things that we actually want. And so then itself can be a really, really difficult point because we, we simply just don't know how to handle it. We might get suspicious over it. We feel the Towards that we feel guilty towards that. We feel like we have to repay it. It just doesn't quite compute. So the easiest thing to do is just push it away. No. Interestingly, let's save somebody treats us below our lower limits. So let's say our limit lower limit is 40% and somebody treats us below that they treat us 30, 20 time. We are not going to tolerate that to begin with in their relationships. So if somebody treats us a 30 or a 20 and we've just met them, Were unlikely to want to meet them again, were going to try and getting out of that situation or ending the relationship there in that. And that's that, that's the typical response. However. If somebody has entered the realm between 60 and 40 and they've treated us within the realm that we believe our width to be. We then expand our bandwidth for them. So let's say I enter a relationship with somebody and you know, they start treating me a 60. Than a 50 than a 40, then maybe a 60 again, if that fluctuating in terms of their treatments, but it's within that bandwidth. I'm okay with that. I accept it. Even when it's a faulty. Relax. Is that because actually I've also experienced a 60 as well. So it feels normal. It feels akin to what it is. I'm used to. Let's say with time, they actually drop, how is that? They treat us. And so instead of them treating us a 40, all of a sudden, there's a moment when that's a 35 or 30. It might be shocking to begin with, and I don't know how to computer. But I let it slide and I'm making excuses for it. I almost think, oh, that was a bit strange. Um, but it's okay because I've witnessed the 60 before. I've witnessed them treating me well before. And so it's it's okay. It's just some kind of arrow something, or maybe I'm at fault. Maybe I did something. It's a little more likely to either dismiss it and excuse our behavior. All we turn it inwardly. And we believe that there's something wrong that we did. And we somehow curate blame on not accept blame upon ourselves. As time goes on and we've experienced more and more and more of these. I would bandwidth no longer stays at a 60 and a 40. Actually it starts to reduce over time. And so then it becomes 50, 30. Then it might become 40 20, then it might become 30 10. And that's where the real risk is, is that we are constantly going further and further down. And that is really, really dangerous territory. And you can imagine that would be really dangerous territory because we are more willing to tolerate on dock sapped, harmful behaviors. Because we believe that that's equivalent to our worth, but we also treat our partner. Wow. And allow the mistreatment, because again, we believe that that wavy. More within us and we all that full, not worthy. And so we were inadvertently maintaining the cycle, but also making the cycle worse and worse and worse as time goes on. Hence my point, why it's super important that we really get down to all self-worth. And really consider how it is that we evolve from this. How is it? We break this. Now I'm going to draw upon some of the work around at carts whole. And so a, he had spoken some amazing words and he really introduced this idea that there's a difference between the ego and the essence. So the ego is the part of us that really bottles with regards to our self-worth. So this really ties in with the bandwidth that is related to our self-worth. So for example, I am worthy of this and I am not worthy of fonts, but. It's always in question of what am I worthy of and what am I not worthy of? However, there's also something called the essence and now the assets is really why we want to be. The essence is the part of us that says. For your very existence. For the fact that you are breathing. That you are living. That you were born. That you are at one with the universe. Your worth. Is infinite. Your worth doesn't even come into question. And that's really the ideals learn to be in. Because if what constantly battling with our worth, we are constantly going to be battling with our worth. And so we are constantly trying to jump hoops, trying to do things to make ourselves worthy, but guess what? We always forever maintain that bandwidth, wherever that bandwidth is. Or it's not she to free ourselves from that bandwidth is really recognizing that our worth is infinite. So, if I was to ask you, Hey, put a price tag on your friend. You wouldn't be able to do that, right? It is. It's a bit of a ridiculous question for me to even ask, to put a price tag on your friend. And you wouldn't be able to do it because putting a price tag on them means that you have to put a worth on them. You have to put a value on them, or is actually, you couldn't do that because the value is infinite. It's not even something that you would consider questioning. You might want to connect with certain parts of their personality and disconnect with other things and maybe fluctuate in terms of your friendship and, you know, things like that can be quite transient depending on what's going on, but you wouldn't necessarily be putting in a number on them. And so it's really about considering this idea that when you were born into the swirled, you as a baby, you had never questioned your worth. You just cried. You just asked for attention, you asked for food. You demanded these things and fought, she didn't ask for them. You demanded them because you assumed you're worth. And then actually for your very existence of being here. That you were absolutely worthy of being fed, of being played with, of being warm, of being cuddled. All of these things were just assumed you never questioned any of those things. You as a baby, as you were born, however, as you grew older, You started accumulating all of these stories with regards to a worth, and you made all of the behaviors of other people to mean something about you. So, for example, your parents being super accomplished or your parents wanting you to do X, Y, and Z for them to give you attention. All of these things. You, you rated stories about what that meant about your worth as a person, to being able to see that that was fast off. That was their actions and that's something that's perhaps unresolved inside of that. That's perhaps coming from that own traumas that they were unable to deal with. And unfortunately you were just a witness to that. If any of this resonates with you. And also if you're wanting support and help with regards to any of the topics that our thoughts about, please get in touch. My details are in the show notes below. And until next time, take out. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.